45 Beckham image rights negotiati

We have unearthed exclusive evidence regarding the negotiations behind David Beckhams image rights. Although handwriting experts are unsure as to the validity of the evidence, we present it to allow the public to make its own mind up.

These 'back-of the envelope' calculations were obtained through an undercover investigation that took place before the bin-men in Alderley Edge turned up. It is now clear that Beckham is looking to cash in every time his image is used on television, in the press and also on radio.

When he takes a corner kick he wants Manchester United to pay him extra if the action is used for match of the day, in a TV advert, on Sky or packaged up in an annual video. If a goal is scored from the set piece presumably he will want paying double - once for his image and once for doing his job!

Extrapolating from these findings David will also want extra cash for any of the following:

Celebrating somebody else's goal.

Tracking back (on film).

Reaction shot when Beckham is dropped and his replacement scores with a free kick.

Being filmed warming up.

Post match interviews, presumably not for saying anything interesting.

Even more sensational than these findings is the thought that children who put his poster up in their bedroom will be forced to pay Mr. Beckham an image tax of 50p per week, simply for using his picture. There is the potential for extra costs if the child then shows the poster to any of their friends.

When it comes to small children being menaced by debt collectors simply for hanging an image of their idol on the wall then surely there is something wrong with British society.

When presented with these findings, a hand-writing expert was not completely convinced. Dr. Hans Uneed, of the Bavarian Handwriting Correspondunce School [sic], said, "David Bekhams handwriting is nothing like that, it looks a bit like yours though."

43 Diego Forlan, Middlesbrough's

Forlan would have been a short-term disasterShot shy Middlesbrough are ruing their failure to capture the young Uruguayan Diego Forlan. But was he really the answer, or would his signing have heralded the relegation the club is so desperate to avoid?

Middlesbrough have now drifted into the relegation zone because they can’t score goals and Ipswich have suddenly discovered that they can play football. The situation would be more acute if it weren’t for the fact that the two teams below them seem destined for relegation.

Derby have a good attack, a decent defence and a toothless midfield (quite literally when Craig Burley plays). Leicester have a good midfield and a decent defence but are saddled with an attacking line up that will struggle in division one. Neither side have any money to spend, and only by selling their best hopes for the future; Christie and Riggott can the pair get in funds to avoid relegation.

Middlesbrough need goals and although Forlan scores well in Argentinean football he may struggle for some time before he is scoring regularly in England. South Americans – regardless of how talented they are – need time to settle in English football, and their first season isn’t likely to be their best.

Look at Juan Pablo Angel. The Colombian was signed a year ago and spent the tail end of last season acclimatizing. John Gregory, the Aston Villa manager, gave him time and this season he has come good, quickly breaking into double figures for league goals and targeting twenty for the season.

In the summer Manchester United signed arguably the best player from the best team in the world in Juan Veron, but he has performed fitfully. He was quoted as saying this week that it has taken him longer to adjust to English football than it did to Italian football and he should hit form soon. For an experienced player who will be expected to help his team make the world cup final in 2002 this is a telling comment.

Middlesbrough need an experienced, hungry forward, who can score goals. Teams are usually saved by a certain type of forward, and the talented but injury-prone Allen Boksic isn’t the right type. Diego Forlan would have been a short-term disaster, perhaps a long-term bargain, but a short-term relegation rubber-stamper. Everton were saved two years ago by Kevin Campbell after the ‘Cannibal’ jibes, Marcus Bent and Alun Armstrong, rejected by Blackburn and, ironically, Middlesbrough have turned Ipswich’s season around. Andy Cole will propel Blackburn to safety and there are more examples.

Derby, Leicester and one from Ipswich, Bolton and Middlesbrough is how the relegation battle is shaping up. Although there is still time for Blackburn, Sunderland and Everton to join the party. Middlesbrough need an out of favour goalscorer from a big club; e.g. Dwight Yorke or Dion Dublin. Failing that a hungry youngster from the Nationwide League e.g. Connelly from Wimbledon, Macken from Preston, Zamora from Brighton. Middlebrough have 16 or 17 games to get 20 points and safe, they need ten quick goals from a new forward. No time for risks. No time for the future. No time for penny-pinching. I wonder if Jordan will like the north-east?