85 90 - day two

WATER COOLER

The players football union counter terrorist unit has received a warning. The first genuine, black contender for the post of England manager is going to be assassinated in the run up to the 2006 world cup finals.

The following takes place 89 days before the start of the world cup finals in 2006.

Ten hours later Tinker and Boston were discussing the Palmer threat next to the water cooler, in the corridor outside Boston's high technology CTU facility.

'Nice water.'

'I've got to say I preferred the Buxton that we used to get.'

'But anyway Boston, what do you think about the Palmer threat?'

'Well it is plausible, he's upset a lot of people in a short length of time…'

Palmer was a journeyman footballer. She became an England international largely through perseverance and a lack of alternatives. Her initial foray into management was unsuccessful. However following a sex-change in late 2003 her profile and management successes improved immeasurably.

There have been rumours and innuendos especially when her high profile affair with Prince William ended following an etiquette scandal concerning four cream crackers and a jar of marmite. But her management successes have been unquestioned. To take Cheltenham Town to the Premiership title and then on to the European Cup final was nothing short of miraculous.

Her innovative 'dog-sled' formation was now being copied the world over as teams abandon width and concentrate on driving straight down the middle of the park, occasionally shouting 'mush'. The 2-2-2-2-2 formation was ridiculed initially - but is now widely regarded as the future of football.

'…but I'm in meetings all day, could we discuss it at lunch on tomorrow.'

'OK, I'm sure its something and nothing.'

Said Tinker, enigmatically.

'Castlefield, hmm, I seem to remember we did have an outstation there, but there was a scandal when one of our operatives shot a suspected drug dealer. The drug dealer turned out to be a diplomat from a country that we've recently bombed the hell out of. Do you think there might be a connection?'

'I'm not sure, but wasn't Palmer coaching in that country last summer, before a disastrous qualifying sequence dumped Serbolakia out of the World Cup finals, ironically allowing England to qualify?'

'Now you come to mention it, yes.'

'Boston, we have a problem.'

'Do you have to keep saying that?'

'I think it makes me seem a bit more quirky.'

'We'll talk more tomorrow.'

'Do you think we should speak to Palmer?'

'Not yet, not until we've assessed the threat.'

'Fine. Do you know who decided we should change the water supplier?'

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90 is a work of fiction, none of the characters exist and if there are any coincidental name/career/organisation matches with real life then they are not intended and hopefully will not cause offence.

83 Roy Keane.

Amid the acres of newsprint committed to detailing the exchanges between Roy Keane and, seemingly, the rest of humanity has there been a story reported? How can a player that Alex Ferguson describes as the ‘best professional he has ever worked with’ walk out on his country after foully abusing his international manager?

As the marching bands heralding the start of the four weeks of fun, fun, fun start to stretch their legs, the only leg stretching that Roy Keane is up to is with his dogs in the Cheshire countryside.

Various rumours about a News of the World splash on Roy Keane’s private life have so far proved unfounded. But there have been press leaks of every internal meeting between Keane, McCarthy and the players. On top of this press articles from several players including Keane and Quinn have inflamed and worsened the situation.

Is this lackadaisical attitude to the modern press appropriate? Given that tabloid journalists are getting more intrusive by the day, the full and open access that they are given to the Irish team by the football association of Ireland (FAI) looks increasingly nave. Volatile footballers are always saying inappropriate things in the heat of the moment. With proper management of the incidents in place, these comments are quickly forgotten.

Look at the training ground bust-ups for Sweden with Ljungberg and Mellberg fighting, or the problems the Danes have had. These incidents were in themselves as serious as the Keane and McCarthy spat. But the press was denied access and the situation was managed.

If Alex Ferguson is able to call the other nine world cup players from Manchester United and tell them to make no comment on the affair, and have his wish carried out, is it really too much to ask for the FAI to tell its players to say ‘no comment’ when a microphone is pushed towards them?

With no Holland at this world cup the press has been casting its net far and wide to find someone that could be goaded into walking out and Ireland have been the patsies. Modern high-profile sports administration is not for well-meaning amateurs, and the FAI certainly appear amateurish over this entire affair.

If the press had been denied access to the Irish team, or even if their access had been properly managed, then Roy Keane would be preparing to play in Korea-Japan 2002. That the Irish team have not been protected, from a press pack desperate for any news in the run-up to this world cup, is a damning indictment of the FAI.

Mick McCarthy was right to send Roy Keane home, but with better management of the situation it would not have been so public, tempers would have cooled and we would all have heard the full story when the books get published in a years time. Ireland and Keane are the biggest losers here, but maybe the FAI will be forced to become more professional which will benefit Ireland in time for their next manager.

What price for the main beneficiary of Roy Keane’s antics to be the next manager of Ireland. So step forward Roy Keane who is now the favourite to be the next manager. One of Keane's favourite sayings is ‘fail to prepare, prepare to fail’. Perhaps he’s preparing for management of Ireland, a few years in advance.

82 90 - day one

MIDNIGHT CALLER

The players football union counter terrorist unit has received a warning. The first genuine, black contender for the post of England manager is going to be assassinated in the run up to the 2006 world cup finals.

The following takes place 90 days before the start of the world cup finals in 2006.

The phone rang, and the urgency of the gruff voice at the other end of the line immediately broke the sleepy reverie of the PFU boss Gordon Tinker.

'Is that Tinker?'

'Yes, do you know what time it is?'

'Yes I do, it's just before midnight.'

'Well I've had my horlicks and …'

'Listen, I'm calling from the Castlefield outstation. There is evidence to suggest that an attempt will be made to kill Carol Palmer.'

'An assassination attempt will be made on the first, serious, black, trans-sexual England team managerial candidate…'

Said Tinker, in a plot-outlining kind of way.

'…who is this?'

But the line was dead.

Tinker was immediately on the phone to his trusted head of counter-terrorism, Bamm-Bamm Boston (whose parents had an unfortunate Flintstones fixation, as his sister 'Pebbles' could testify to).

'Bamm-Bamm, we have a problem.'

'Tinker had a Tom Hanks fixation.'

'I'm listening.'

Boston, was a big fan of the hit TV sitcom 'Frasier'.

As head of the counter terrorist unit (CTU) Boston had a roving brief that combined a public relations cover, with a lesser known role as departmental 'license to kill' permit holder. The permit holder was also given exclusive fishing rights for a five mile stretch of the river Irwell, which caused no end of amusement to the office staff when he dropped his Walther PPK into the water and had to take it back to base for sterilising.

'We've just received information that the England management candidate Carol Palmer will be assassinated in the run up to the World Cup.'

'You're kidding!'

'That's not an appropriate response.'

'I'm sorry, I'm a bit on edge. My daughter, Curiosity, popped out for a kebab with a friend of hers an hour ago and I've not seen her since.'

'Is this relevant?'

'Well not right now, but it might be later. Who's the source.'

'They didn't tell me.'

'Are you sure it wasn't one of those hilarious prank wind-up calls from a radio DJ?'

'Well it could be I suppose.'

'Get some sleep sir, we'll discuss it tomorrow.'

Tinker was about to hang-up when he suddenly sat upright in bed. He remembered now about the Castlefield outstation - it was decomissioned almost two years earlier - what code was being used by the caller?

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90 is a work of fiction, none of the characters exist and if there are any coincidental name/career/organisation matches with real life then they are not intended and hopefully will not cause offence.

79 Arsenal are champions.

The other side to Peter Reid is his undoubted inability to control his players, brought about by an overwhelming desire to do so. Thomas Helmer a proven German international came to the club, admittedly past his best but a league above what we had, as a veteran he noticed the poor standard of training at the club and mentioned this to Reid, he barely played for the club. Steffan Schwartz, only this season made a similar comment and was cast out of the team, only playing after November when injuries dictated and has barely played since. The same is also true for Julio Arca, he stated he was disappointed with the way his career has progressed at the club and due to poor training methods had not become a better player since joining.

These incidents, where Reid's ability has been questioned have resulted in valuable players being discarded. This was most visible in the case of Chris Makin, a player who without question was the first choice right back and one of the few players guaranteed a place in the team. Sold to Ipswich for around £1.2m-for a player who was a guaranteed first team player this is unacceptable. The replacement was the aforementioned Bernt Haas who quite simply is a bad player.

Although we can't spend huge amounts of money we do have some to spend but the fear of making a bad buy, fear of signing another player who (with experience and ability) will question Reid's ability (as have Helmer, Jan Errikson and Schwartz) and his intertwined objectives with the board mean he won't sign a good player. Whilst in Div 1 you could buy a Phillips and give him time to settle in the team in the Premiership this is not the case, yet Reid still signs people like Varga and Haas. Where as we had a spine of decent British players we now are littered with poor foreigners. Where we had quality, not only have Sunderland not gone forward we have gone rapidly backwards. Selling Hutchison and Makin have been the final nails in this coffin, and out of all his bargain signings only Phillips and Sorenson have proved to be major assets. We are now the lowest scoring team in the league yet we all know Reid will not go out and sign the players we need, the fact Quinn plays more now than he has in previous two seasons is symptomatic of this. We deserve to go down this season, the fans have known how bad we are for some time now, but the media's attitude of look where you were and fan's expectations are too high have been the standard response to this.

I would suggest that the new stadium and playing in front of up to 48 000 people, having the third highest average attendance for five seasons (behind Man Utd and Liverpool then Man Utd and Newcastle) may have had some positive affect upon the team's performance also and as long as Peter Reid wastes money and falls out with players the club will only slide further backwards and be relegated next season. We need an overhaul of the backroom staff and the players. Reid won't fire his drinking buddies Heath and Saxton, and seems to either not know what good players are or be willing to take second best. I don't expect to win the league (or anything) but I do expect Sunderland to improve, Newcastle have shown that adding just a few quality players can have a drastic effect on performances and ability but I can never see Reid going out and buying three players who would walk in to our first team (who anybody would have heard of) and turn things around. We have needed a right winger for two seasons now, he hasn't come up with that, as more positions need strengthening there seems no evidence that Peter Reid can or will buy the quality required.

I don't expect trophies, to sign Ronaldo but just to improve. Under Reid this will never happen. Not least now due to his reputation for being pig-headed, a poor coach and our current predicament. A fresh start, via a new manager would make it easier for the club to attract decent players; regardless of Reid's failings he has reached a point where he won't be able to turn things around.
With a one-nil victory at Old Trafford, Arsene Wenger's team has swept to a third league and FA Cup double and twelfth league championship. Why have Arsenal dominated the English Premiership and yet failed to make a significant impact in Europe.

Compare and contrast, Arsenal building a very British team with spirit, battling players and sprinkled with some of Europe's best players. This is the kind of team that should win the title. Three league defeats in 37 games, six European defeats in twelve games. A British not a European force.

Whereas Manchester United sideline battling British style players like Stam, Butt and Cole in order to bring in players that can bring an extra dimension in Europe in Blanc, Veron and van Nistelrooy. Nine league defeats in 37 games, 2 European defeats in 16 games. A European not a British force.

Simply put Alex Ferguson has sacrificed the league in order to improve his chances in Europe. Arsene Wenger, by contrast, has always targeted the league title and has built a team that is ill equipped to compete in Europe - but is capable of scoring in every game and avoiding defeat in every away game domestically.

Arsenal appear to be where Manchester United were in 1994, brilliant at home but lousy in Europe. Whether Arsene Wenger is now willing to risk his new found pre-eminence at home to convert Arsenal into a European Cup challenging side is very doubtful. This Arsenal side will not dominate Europe.

The future, domestically at least, for Arsenal is very bright. The only weak areas in the side are in the ageing defenders, who were poor in Europe this season, and in a support striker for Henry because Bergkamp's Indian summer can't last forever. However Wenger has already addressed most of the problems in the side. Out will go Dixon, Keown, Adams and Seaman and in already are Lauren, Campbell and Wright.

Arsenal therefore only need another centre half to partner Sol Campbell, a long-term partner for Thierry Henry and a fourth midfielder to add to Vieira, Ljungberg and Pires. If Arsenal can make these additions, which ironically, are the same additions that Alex Ferguson made at the start of this season to so little effect, then Arsenal could well defend their title

English football is at a crossroads. Manchester United are not the force they were, Liverpool are improving with every season and Arsenal have now the confidence to go with undoubted ability. Next season is a conundrum. Can United come good again, will Arsenal relax following their triumphs and will Liverpool break their 13 season league championship drought. Will Leeds, Chelsea or Newcastle break through or will there be a challenge from nowhere. Some people say that the Premiership is less exciting than it was, what do they know?

77 Peter Reid must go.

When he arrived he took a set of talented but under-performing players and made them play as a team. This resulted in instant promotion, however without a goalkeeper or goal scorer we went straight back down. Chris Andrews looks at Sunderland and sees only one way forward.

We then struggled for a period in Div 1, the pressure was on and with mounting injuries players like Johnstone got a game and be it by good luck or good fortune we became a good team. Phillips emerged and this exciting team reached the play-offs, the rest is history. Leaking goals, Williams and Craddock at the back were replaced by Butler and the solid Melville. We then saw the best Sunderland team of my lifetime (at the age of 23) and we were easily promoted.

This was an excellent team which Reid must take credit for. With regards to the premier league it was said we had a good team but poor squad. This was remedied by selling Bridges to Leeds and subsequently snubbing Johnston (one of our best players). However we had an excellent first season as the momentum continued from the previous season, we were patchy but despite press reports actually played decent football and it wasn't the case that the big boot to Quinn was the only tactic.

Following this the additions of Arca and Hutchison were positive steps forward. We continued the good form though until around the Christmas of 2000. When presented with the chance to gain a European place, one or two quality additions would have assured this. However this didn't happen and spats with now Summerbee meant this good team lost another valuable asset. Whilst I accept, at least for the next five or so years we can't rush out and buy Ruud Van Nistelrooy (a player Peter Reid was offered for £4m and said he wasn't worth that much) there is no reason why we can't buy decent players in the £5m to £10m bracket.

Set against a backdrop of a stagnating team Reid's refusal to invest in quality players we have seen that the good team of just a few seasons ago not only hasn't been built upon but has degraded.

Where as Reid's bargain buys, to outsiders may appear shrewd their volume comes to a number of two (that I can think of), namely Phillips and Sorenson. Players such as Summerbee and Johnston have been allowed to leave for free (if the club were so lacking in funds surely this would not be allowed to happen and their departure would be anticipated and capitalised upon), while no replacements have been bought.

Rather than buy quality, cheap foreign imports or has been-never was inferior substitutes have been purchased. I am not concerned with league position per-se, what does concern me is simple improvement. The quality of the team has fallen and this has resulted in over-reliance of the long-ball to Quinn, this was not our only source of goals before. Whilst long balls were a source of goals a long ball to Thierry Henry is regarded in a better light than one to Quinn or Phillips. Besides this we had the chance to gain a place in europe, twice and both times these positions have not been capitalised upon.

Despite the impression that Peter Reid is a bargain hunter, the evidence far from proves this. Instead of buying a £10m player he buys four two or three £m players. For example last summer he bought: Bernt Haas, £2.5m, Medina, £3.5m, Laslandes, £3.5m as well as Mercimek and Bellion (for I don't know how much, around 250k or so each). Quite simply non of these players were good enough, the media however don't notice this as they are small buys, if he bought one player for this money and it went wrong he would then be held accountable. There are a stream of such players of a similar ilk, Fredgaard (£2.5m) and Oster (the same) spring to mind.