132 Harry Flatcap denies bribery a

Hello and welcome to the latest news from the world of the Florida
Worldcoms. Harry Flatcap here with the low-down on a difficult week for all
Worldcommers.



The week started with an investigative enquiry from the Leagues management
committee. They wanted to know what I meant exactly when I mentioned last
week that Worldcom wanted to “buy” the league title this season. Mr. Leppok
was able to diffuse the situation by pointing out our league record since I
took over, surely if we were buying games we wouldn’t be losing as
spectacularly as we have been under my tutelage. Not so sure if it was the
line of argument I’d have liked us to take, but the leagues verdict “The
team is currently run so incompetently that it would be impossible for the
management team at the Florida Worldcoms to order a round of drinks, let alone organise any degree of complex bribery scam. We conclude therefore that the Florida Worldcoms are indeed clear of any bribery insinuations that may have lurked prior to the Leagues investigations.” This exonerates us fully and allowed us the chance to concentrate on the vital Boston Stranglers top-of-the-table clash.



Or so we thought. On the night prior to the tie I had to sack feisty
midfield ball-winner Dennis Foolish. The team were camped in their Boston
hotel playing ker-plunk, a favourite pastime of the lads when away in a
hotel prior to matches. It appears Dennis ran into a dispute with team mate Malcolm Goliathson about the number of marbles each player had accrued during a particularly tense contest that had a lot of money riding on it. At this stage Dennis’ legendary temper got the better of him, belting
Malcolm so hard that he broke Malcolms jaw in 3 places. The resulting
fracas involved every player in the squad, all 22 of them, plus myself, Mr.
Leppok, ol’ papa Baird (the club doctor, and at the age of 92 really doesn’t need this hassle), and a few innocent bystanders grappling in a recreation room at the hotel. Mr. Leppok had to write out a cheque for the damage immediately, but as we had smashed some valuable antiques in the room (mostly over each others heads) you can understand why the hotel manager was somewhat perturbed, and perfectly justified to throw us out into the street that evening. Suffice to say, 30 of us, squad and management, unable to secure any alternative accommodation at short notice, sleeping down a back alley with meths-swilling hobos was not the ideal preparation for the game ahead. You could see the looks of surprise and disgust on the Boston players as their noses picked up the whiff of urine emanating from their
opposition when the game commenced.


As a consequence of his actions I immediately sacked Dennis Foolish.
Mortified, he went howling to his agent that we weren’t within our rights to
do this, so he marched back with his agent and solicitor who bamboozled me
to high-heaven with legal jargon explaining why we couldn’t sack Dennis.


So I spoke to the League who upheld the sacking and stated we were within our rights to do so under the circumstances. So Dennis and his agent got the American Players Football Association to point out that he has a contract that needs to be honoured therefore the contract stands and Dennis must be allowed to continue in employment with the Worldsoms. So we were granted a special hearing in court and the judge decreed we were right to sack Dennis.



Dennis’ legal team counteracted by taking the case to the Court of Human
Rights, who stated that “Dennis is a human being and his freedom to strike
another human being shouldn’t be denied by fascist employers.” So we immediately got in contact with George W. Bush who personally decreed that
“We had the right, as honest decent US citizens, looking to hold together
the democracy that makes this Country great, to sack miscreants such as
Dennis Foolish and grind his butt into the dust. I applaud the stance and
zero tolerance shown by the Florida Worldcoms and I believe that if more
employers are prepared to act as strongly this country will continue to be great.”



Having said that, I then realised that we needed Dennis’ strong-arm
tactics in midfield for the Boston game therefore let him off with a 2 week
fine and a promise that he’ll apologise to Malcolm.



So with the unrest in the camp you can perhaps understand why we lost in
Boston last weekend. And yet things started so promisingly. We raced into
an early 2 goal lead, with star-striker Clint Mattesson leading the way with
both goals. Unfortunately he celebrated his second by pulling his shirt over his head Ravenelli-style, sprinting to the supporters arms aloft, and promptly crashed into the advertising hoardings falling awkwardly and breaking his wrist. We hope he’ll be fit for our matches this week.



With the loss of Clint, I decided to preserve our lead by turning to a more
negative formation (we had employed 9-0-1 up to losing Clint). It was
working, we were heading for half-time with the Boston fans booing and
slow-handclapping, so effective were our tactics. And then our new coach,
Fred Shuttleworth, who I hoped would be with us prior to the game, actually
arrived, straight from the plane, and got to work. Unfortunately his unique
method of instilling fear seemed to momentarily paralyse the team and
amazingly Boston scored twice in injury-time to go in at half-time all
square 2-2. To compound matters Fred’s half-time ‘team-talk’ failed to have
the desired effect as the players went out onto the pitch looking like
rabbits caught in the headlights as Fred continued his unique motivational
technique from our dugout.



The players will have to get used to this new regime, particularly indomitable Ugandan centre half Clementine Ungondu. It says everything about Fred’s tough approach that mid-way through the

131 Will West Ham be hammered?

Bottom of the table after seven games, with no wins and only one clean sheet, are West Ham already Nationwide bound. West Ham were in plenty of trouble this time last year, following a seven goal drubbing at Blackburn, so are they about to come good? Unfortunately the omens don’t look good and another rash prediction is certainly in order. The distinctly unhappy hammers for the drop.

In any division the first ten games usually spell out the season ahead. Championship challengers are in the top half, and relegation fodder are already looking at their West Ham fixtures for the points to propel them to safety. Along with Sunderland, who could well be this season’s Leicester City, West Ham look like classic relegation material.

David James must be wondering how much good he is doing for his England prospects when he is constantly picking the ball out of his net. But England regulars rarely play for England’s top clubs. Of recent England keepers only David ‘mid life crisis’ Seaman and Ray Clemence have played for top English clubs, and Clemence even left Liverpool in their pomp when he grew tired of trophy success and joined Tottenham Hotspur. James could well be an England regular – but not from the Nationwide League.

Jermain Defoe was being touted as the next Darius Vassell (or is it the former Alan Smith) but now he seems as bemused as anyone as Paulo Di Canio either swears quite crudely or accepts his substitution is good for the team, depending on who you believe. Quite simply West Ham are in more disarray than this time last year and Glenn Roeder is facing the biggest crisis of his short managerial career.

West Ham have been building good sides for a few years now only to sell their better players shortly before the team can kick-on. Harry Redknapp may well have stayed longer if Rio Ferdinand had stayed. Frank Lampard (junior) is now being touted as the new Paul Scholes (slightly fatter, fewer goals, less mobile, err not as good) but his sale a year ago broke up the trinity of Cole, Carrick and Lampard that was set to sweep all before them.

Before the season started there was an impression that too many hammers were on good money and in the comfort zone. But still it seems bizarre that the fans should turn against Michael Carrick, their home grown (if Geordie) midfield talent. But it is part of a growing discontent in East London that could well end with relegation.

It is too early to say that West Ham are down, they are barely a win away from safety after all. But it seems that their season is now set. They either get some wins together very quickly and then can settle into mid-table mediocrity. Or they are set for a season long struggle against relegation. Every season a settled Premiership team finds the sands beneath their feet moving, is it West Ham’s turn?

130 NATIONWIDE: Spotland the brave

It's difficult to think of anything much to say about Rochdale. A town famed for little more than the portly Liberal MP of a generation ago, Cyril Smith and a couple of singers in Gracie Fields and Lisa Stansfield. The local football team have certainly never looked as if they would be making any headlines.



Plying their trade in the bottom division of English professional league football for what seems an eternity (or since 1974), the Spotland faithful who follow Rochdale have spent more time in the basement than Fred West. With the exception of a League Cup runners-up spot in 1962, when the trophy was even more worthless than it is now, Dale have been the perpetual struggling small northern club. The wonder is that they have managed to avoid the Conference trap door.



Now however, there are definite signs that the club could be on the up. New player-manager Paul Simpson has, probably, inherited the best young squad in the club's history. Consequently, there is a real chance that this season could see them secure that elusive promotion that could see them mixing it with the glamour boys of Oldham Athletic, Port Vale and the like next term.


Rochdale's strength is that the club's youth policy has produced a wealth of attacking talent, leaving the club with probably the most potent attack in Division 3. In addition to record signing Clive Platt and Paul Connor, Simpson has at his disposal young attacking players of the calibre of Patrick McCourt, Lee McEvilly and Kevin Townson. All are major assets not only from a playing perspective, but from a long term financial viewpoint for the club, with each almost certainly destined to eventually move on to a higher level.



Simpson's pre-season sortie into the transfer market does appear to show that he has what it takes to carry on the good work of his predecessor, John Hollins, in that he set out to improve the obvious weaknesses in his squad. Steve Macauley was brought in from Crewe Alexandra to bolster the central defence and the midfield was augmented with the additions of Chris Beech (Huddersfield Town) and a player regarded as something of a star turn in Division 3, in Lee Hodges (Scunthorpe United). With the recent addition of 37 year old Ian Bishop from Barry Town (were those rumours concerning him and Trevor Morley true?), Simpson's squad appears to have all the requisite qualities needed for promotion. Who knows, there might even be a Gracie Fields revival to mark the occasion?

129 Tequila franchise

er-dinner circuit to this day, perhaps the most memorable was during his time as captain of Barrow when prior to a league game against Workington he stood up and said “Reet lads. ‘Ar kid needs new pair of shoes, so I want me win bonus this afteynoon. Anyone of you not givin’ it everything gets a good t***tin’. Ok?” Everybody, including the manager, nodded nervously in agreement, because you don’t mess with Fred Shuttleworth.



He leaves behind a coaching role with the Boat and Horses Pub team who play in the Rochdale and District Sunday Pub Amateur League Division 7, where his record was second to none. He also leaves behind the Boat and Horses Public House, where he was the landlord. And he also leaves behind his wife, co-landlord of the Boat and Horses, though he hadn't told her of his plans when we last spoke – Let’s hope he has by now otherwise I may have let the cat out of the bag!



Fred will be with us as soon as his green card arrives. He does have a
criminal record due to a couple of GBH’s he was found guilty for, though he tells me these were minor. The majority of the offences were small fracas that got out of control in the pub. Though there was one away from the pub at a church service and another one actually on the football pitch during his playing days, but he anticipates these minor misdemeanours will not stop him taking up his appointment real soon.



It would be nice to have him for the Stranglers game as the sheer terror he instils in his players will give us an edge not just in this game but in the future too.



Hopefully you will be there as well, and hopefully we come away with our share of the spoils.



Regards



Harry Flatcap


Question - Name the country with a top division of 20 clubs, regarded by many as both the strongest and wealthiest league on the continent. It's a league heavily laden with foreign imports (both players and managers), exports very little of its home grown talent and has recently seemingly given carte blanche to club owners to re-locate as they deem fit?



Answer - Hands up who said England? Good try, but whilst all the above could certainly apply to the game here, the answer I was looking for is actually Mexico (there was a pretty hefty clue in the title).



When it comes to meddling with their domestic game, there are few equals to the Mexican FA. Rather than settling for the standard concept of each team playing the other home and away over the course of a season to produce a champion, they appear to have set out to produce a format of such complexity that Stephen Hawking would find it difficult to comprehend.

The season is split into two stages, with each team playing each other home and away (reversing the fixtures in the second stage), to produce two separate Champions. There is no deciding game to produce an overall title.

The two stages were previously known as Torneo de Verano (summer) and Torneo de Invierno (winter). However, this has now been re-packaged as Campeonato de Apertura (Opening Championship) and Campeonato de Clausura (Closing Championship). A name change that undoubtedly took months of preparation at great expense.

The league is split into four groups of five.

The top two from each group qualify for the quarter finals, unless a third place team wins more points than a second place team from another group, in which case they will have to play-off against each other.

Relegation is decided on the basis of the average points accrued per game over the past three seasons (less if promoted in the interim period of course).

Never mind Wimbledon's proposed move to Milton Keynes, franchising is big business in Mexico, with clubs re-locating at the drop of a sombrero:

Atlante, previously sharing a stadium with the mighty Cruz Azul, have now moved to Neza on the outskirts of the capital. Necaxa (undoubtedly David Beckham's favourite Mexican club side) are set to quit the Azteca stadium (where they are very much the poor relations to the powerful America club) to take up residency in Aguascalientes in the new year. La Piedad, based north-west of Mexico City, were unable to finance a new stadium, so the franchise was sold to a private consortium in Queretaro (a middle class city a couple of hours drive north of the capital). They are now playing in the Corregidora stadium (a former World Cup stadium that has been empty in recent years) and changed their name to Gallos Blancos (White Roosters).



These are all relatively straightforward though compared to the situation brought about by the recent promotion of Veracruz. For the past six months, Veracruz had not only been the home to Irapuato, but had also been the adopted name of the club who had re-located there. However, following the return of the original Veracruz to top-flight football, they have, naturally enough, taken back both their stadium and their name. Now in turn, Irapuato (as was) have had to seek both a new home and a new name. They can now be found plying their trade in Chiapas (home of the Zapatista rebels) under the name of Jaguares de Chiapas.



And Wimbledon fans think they've got problems with Charles Koppel!

128 Harry Flatcap and the Strangle

Hello and welcome to the latest instalment of my diary from across the pond, Harry Flatcap here reporting from Florida, where it has not been a good week for the Worldcoms.



Firstly there was the disappointing 5-3 defeat against the team vying to win the regional league here with us, Boston Stranglers. Both teams were level on points going into the tie and a close game was anticipated. Sure enough, this was the case at half-time, with our work rate and commitment helping us inch ahead to a 2-1 lead. Unfortunately though news then filtered into our dressing room that superstar striker Clint Mattesson had been injured whilst fulfilling one of his contractual duties, the half-time lottery ticket draw.



Eye witnesses tell me that the tombola fell off it’s stand, rolling over the unfortunate Clint, and damaging both his legs so severely he was unable to come out for the second half. I wasn’t happy at all about this and asked our owner Mr. Leppok to review other contractual obligations we have tied the players to in the name of club promotions. I must say I have some concerns: Hard man centre-half John Obmar for example, spends one day a month out in the tough neighbourhood streets tackling crime, as part of a joint project with the local law enforcement division (you may recall we even changed our name to the Florida Crimestoppers for a while but we soon dropped that due to safety reasons – Our ground was nearly burned down by rioters). This would explain the bullet wounds to his chest.



Similarly, in a promotional tie-in with 5Bellies Florida Lager two of our younger (and therefore more impressionable) players Paul Adams and Tony Merson spend their whole summer touring American bars encouraging locals to come have a drink with the star players. This contract runs for 3 months of the summer, with the players in the bars 6 days a week, from 10am – 11pm continuously. I can’t help but feel this is not the best way our young players should be spending time when away from the football club. Mr. Leppok has promised a review of all future contacts signed by the players.


I digress. The 2nd half against Boston was a disaster. With Clint missing The Stranglers ran riot, smashing home 4 goals to sail away with the match. Our consolation 3rd goal came very late in the game when a Boston defender took a throw-in and harmlessly threw it to his keeper who bizarrely allowed the ball to trundle under his foot and into the net. The ref decided the keeper did touch the ball hence giving the goal, though the Boston fans didn’t agree, promptly invading the pitch for a mini-riot. They are clearly a combustible bunch the Stranglers fans (that’s fans of the football team, not the rock band) bearing in mind they still were winning 5-3!!!



Unfortunately the crowd trouble broke out in the stand where our special guest, journalist Ulrich Lekerman, was stationed in the ground. At least we received a write up in his newspaper in a more prominent part of the paper than huddled under the small ads: His front page headline piece “NEATHANDRAL NUTTERS INVADE FLORIDA ARENA” was bad, but his closing paragraph “…and the biggest neathandral on show was the Worldcoms manager Harry Flatcap…his caveman approach to the beautiful game is having a detrimental effect on the players…you can almost hear them shouting ‘Ug! Ug’ to each other during the course of a game…Is it any wonder that fans behave in the manner they do when they are watching footballers who look ill equipped for a sporting arena and better suited to wearing loincloths, attempting to start fires with flint and chasing dinosaurs with spears…” Well! That’s the last time Mr. Lekerman and his family can expect a slap up meal from us for free!



Mr. Lekerman also questioned the continuing saga of our bid to sign Ronaldo. I’m reliably informed by our Worldcom advisors that there was a small hitch as to how much and where certain monies pertaining to the transfer should be deposited. But once these complex financial manoeuvres have been resolved there would be no reason why Ronnie shouldn’t be wearing the mauve and cream hooped Florida Worldcoms shirt before long. That will stop our good friend Lekerman complaining I hope!



Speaking of our Worldcom advisors, Mr. Leppok approached me in the week
after getting wind of a wheeze across the Atlantic. Somebody involved in English football administration (a Mr. Taylor, whose name rings a bell but I can’t place him) has suggested that the big clubs should fork out £100m to ensure one of their Premiership clubs isn’t relegated. Sensing the opportunity to protect their investment the Worldcom boys got wind of this and offered to “buy” the championship for Florida this season. I advised Mr. Leppok that such an idea goes against my values of good old fashioned sporting competition and asked him to reject the offer immediately. I’m yet to hear from him, but I trust that this idea will be quashed as it sounds rather a ridiculous notion.



Our next game is away and could be a stormy affair as we have to play the Stranglers again, which gives us a chance to crawl back to top spot in the division. I’m hoping my new assistant manager may be up and running by the time we visit The Stranglers at the weekend. After extensive advertising (we placed ads in the US version of Exchange and Mart) and through publishing my personal e-mail address on these pages (remember you can always contact me on harryflatc[email protected]) we generated the grand total of no applicants.


Therefore I’ve dug out my old black book and unearthed an old colleague of mine from my playing days, Fred Shuttleworth. Fred has been out of the professional game for a few years now (around 30) but he brings a wealth of experience and some interesting man-management techniques.



Fred has sourced a number of stories that old has-beens are plying on the aft

127 Transfer window victims. Manc

success on the pitch last week he dived on me and rather passionately snogged me. It took 7 of his teammates to prize him off me, as he was led away sobbing 'I love you boss'. Devotion to the cause, plus point. French kissing the manager, negative point. I'm trying to work out how to deal with a 6ft 8in Ugandan physical romantic. If you can suggest how to deal with Clementine, or would like to drop me a line, you can e-mail me on [email protected].

Before I go, I must wish all the best and bon voyage to Nick Brown, my ex-assistant manager and loyal servant to the club over the years, until I sacked him last week. He's landed a new job across the pond, and I wish him all the best as assistant manager at Manchester United.

Enjoy the game!

Best wishes

Harry FlatcapWho would have thought that having too small a squad would hurt 'the richest club in the world™'. Following the worst start to the season since the 1980's the Manchester United squad is now down to the bare bones. In every other season there would be a frenzy of transfer speculation before Sir Alex Ferguson went out and bought a utility player, who could cover until his stars come back. But not know. The transfer window slammed shut before Ferguson could get hold of the full-back and forward his squad desperately needs and injuries have since exacerbated the situation.

Manchester United have, in contrast to main domestic rivals Arsenal and Liverpool, been stripping their squad down. Liverpool and Arsenal have five big money forwards, whereas Manchester United have three. Liverpool and Arsenal have between eight and ten midfielders whereas Manchester United have seven plus some youth players. In defence, Ferguson allowed the experienced Irwin and Johnsen to leave, leaving only seven defenders with any first team experience, and of these seven Gary Neville had a long-term injury, O'Shea had less than ten starts to his name and Phil Neville is useless. When Wes Brown broke his ankle in the first game of the season a pattern was set that is threatening to sweep away United's season.

When your outfield squad is basically seventeen players plus some untried youth players, questions need to be asked about the planning. Either Manchester United have a whole tranche of brilliant youth players ready to step in or the management team has made a major mistake. Having seven first-team players injured simultaneously is traumatic, but Arsenal would have coped, Liverpool would have coped, for goodness sake even Chelsea have better depths of reserves. Although Winston Bogarde would probably still not get a game.

The word from Old Trafford is that there are very few unknowns ready to push forward. Darren Fletcher, Michael Stewart and the plainly out-of-his-depth Luke Chadwick need to do an awful lot to become the new Giggs, Scholes or Butt, but they are now the main alternatives to Phil Neville in midfield. If Veron fails to recover from his groin strain over the next couple of days then Stewart could well be anchoring the midfield in the Champions League.

The defenders and forwards are an even better kept secret and only seasoned reserve team aficionados could pick out a Nardiello or a Pugh. Webber has got a couple of goals at Watford and may find himself recalled pretty quickly. The lack of strength in depth in attack is the most obvious; with Diego Forlan as first change it is no wonder that there have been no late winners for Manchester United this season.

Squads win championships, for several seasons now there has been little to choose between the first eleven that any of the top five or six can turn out. Indeed given Manchester United's poor recent record against both Arsenal and Liverpool you could make a genuine case that the Manchester club had the third best first eleven, but usually had the strength in depth to sustain a season long campaign.

But the reality is now that Manchester United hasn't got the team, the squad or the hunger to win a Championship. If Ferguson can pull his team through this challenge then he can rightly be hailed as the greatest of all British managers. If not the doubters will say he should have retired when he said he was going to. And the doubters are thick on the ground this week.

126 Harry Flatcap signs Ronaldo

nd some new players over the web. I tried a search of 'dangerous strikers' and ended up on the official website for Arthur Scargill! I think I need more help in this area.

Anyway, that's it for this week, whether we win lose, or, a bit of a difficult one for you guys this one I know but bear with it, draw, keep cheering the Worldcoms on and let me know the implications the result has on our season because I'm buggered if I can work it out.

Best wishes

Harry Flatcap

STOP PRESS ' OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS ANNOUNCE RONALDO TO JOIN THE WORLDCOM'S'MORE NEWS NEXT WEEK!Managers diary week 5

Hello and welcome back to the busy world of the Florida Worldcoms. And boy has this place been busy in the past week! After leaking the stop press news that Ronaldo is on his way here to join us, this place has become media frenzy!

Let me assure all you Worldcom fans out there (I mean fans of the team, I can't imagine too many people are fans of the organization right now!) that Ronaldo will be joining us real soon! When! I hear you ask. Well, we still have a few things to iron out in negotiations with Ronaldo's advisors, but I'm assured by our people who are doing everything behind the scenes right now that the deal should be thrashed out soon. I've not spoken to the lad myself, but I've seen him play a few times and he looks a tasty striker. We'll work on his game too, so he'll be a better player for playing here in Florida with me. I'll improve his work rate, getting him back to defend, getting behind the ball, tackling, and overall stamina. I've done it before. Not many people are aware that Lee Dixon, as a youngster, was a wild free-scoring centre forward with blistering pace and long flowing hair.

I worked with him as a youngster coaching his youth team and under my tutelage he became a much better player, I'm sure you'll agree. I also demanded he had a haircut, as I can't stand those poncy floppy Southern Hemisphere hairstyles.

Don't worry about what you read in the press regarding Ronaldo's move to Florida. Under the births marriages and deaths section of the Florida Enquirer yesterday there was a small story rubbishing the transfer, saying it was ludicrous the Brazilian would come here, on account of him joining Real Madrid just last week. This perturbed me somewhat I must admit, but my advisors tell me not to worry, Real Madrid are merely the 'middle-men', happy to make a small profit for holding onto Ronaldo temporarily whilst we sort his transfer out. Also hidden alongside the free ads of the Florida Evening Post was a quote from Ronaldo when asked about the move: 'Florida Worldcoms? Who? No, I'm a Real Madrid player, I know nothing of these Worldcom people? Are they a football team? Harry Flatcap? No, I not know a Harry Flatcap. Is he one of my agents?'.

But worry not Florida fans. Did Rio Ferdinand back in England not tell Leeds fans not to worry, he was going nowhere this summer except on holiday? Basically don't believe a word a footballer says because they do what their agents tell them to do and his agents are looking for nice accommodation for him and his girlfriend in Florida as we speak.

Anyway, this isn't the only important story surrounding us right now! Today we face a real ding-dong battle with the divisional leaders Boston Stranglers in the Worldcom Bowl this afternoon. As you will know we are neck and neck, level on points, going into this clash, so this game could decide the outcome of the division. Providing we give 100% effort and are prepared to stand up and be counted and play the good old traditional English way we will be OK.

We certainly did that last week with our stunning 4-0 victory over New York / New Jersey / Connecticut / Maryland / Manhattan Big Apple Metrostars. I feel this result will shut up the doubters who doubted vocally my abilities to spearhead Florida's championship challenge. Bear in mind this was the first time I'd been able to field talented striker Clint Mattesson, who has been beset with niggling injuries since I arrived here. Fortunately, he has now recovered from his recent problem when he was accidentally scalped in his local hair boutique as the hairdresser tripped up whilst neatening up Clint's trademark mohican hairstyle. Fit and raring to go, Clint scored all 4 goals in the crucial victory. And yet the local press still weren't happy. Hidden amongst a puff advertising piece for an open day at Coco the Clowns themed children's entertainment centre the Florida Standard stated 'A dour and resolute Florida side seemed happy to place 10 men in the defense zone, relying on quarterback-style long balls out of trouble for the quicksilver Mattesson to latch onto. Surely teams of greater status than the Metrostars will not succumb to the caveman antics of this ugly Florida side'.

Charming! I'm sure you good fans appreciate that the important thing about football is winning at all costs. Looking at your other tedious US sports such as basketball, baseball, and football with helmets I'm sure the result is more important than trying to entertain, because those sports certainly ain't pretty!

We're all about building a togetherness in the camp, and newspaper articles like the one above only help to draw us all closer together. I originally decided to ban the rogue reporter, Ulrich Lekerman at the Florida Standard who wrote the vindictive piece and I wrote off a fierce letter stating he would never re-enter the stadium until hell freezes over and he'll have to step over my dead body.

Unfortunately for me the reporter had a quiet word in our owner Mr. Leppoks ear and reminded him that there were a great deal of pitchside advertisements for the Florida Standard dotted around the ground. Therefore I'd like to cordially welcome as special guests in our executive suite today Mr. Lekerman to the Worldcom bowl today along with his wife, seven children, three parents, two grandparents, thirteen grandchildren, and their pet Chihuahua Mitzy. Hopefully they will enjoy our hospitality and Ulrich may be a little positive about us in the future!

One aspect of 'squad togetherness' I've had to curb relates to our Ugandan centre half Clementine Ungondu. He is a very nice man, but rather intimidating at 6ft 8 inches. Worryingly he has this habit of being rather overemotional, and after our

124 Harry Flatcap taps up Roy Kean

Managers diary week 3

Good afternoon and a warm Florida welcome to today's opponents, New York / New Jersey / Connecticut / Maryland / Manhattan Big Apple Metrostars.

And what a topsy-turvy roller coaster ride we had last weekend! Our 4-0 win over the Arkinsole Havana's ensured we have qualified for the end of season play-offs and keeps us in touch with the league leaders. I hope we do win the league because to be quite frank, that is the only element of the end of the season over here I can understand. I just hope when the play-offs loom somebody will sit down and tell me the important aspects such as where I have to be, on what date, etc.

Unfortunately, I never got to see our emphatic victory, which had the local newspapers oozing with praise in the usual 3 lines they give us below the Local Whist, Gin Rummy, and Bridge leagues buried somewhere on the sports pages. 'Back to their brilliant best'. 'Sure-fire to win the league on this performance'. 'Much-improved after last weeks clueless defeat'. These were some of the key phrases mentioned in the reports I read once I had the opportunity to do so.

For those of you not aware of the events last weekend I will fill you in now. It would appear my comments in the last column regarding Henry Kissinger weren't too well received. As soon as my comments were released to the public domain 3 masked assailants ambushed my car as I travelled to the game, blindfolding me and dumping me in a strange, alien environment (a bit like Old Trafford to most Man United fans, but hey, I can laugh about this now but it wasn't so funny then').

One of the men advised me he was representing an organisation called GBH ' It's initials breathing terror into my every organ. He explained that GBH stood for God Bless Henry, and this terror group stood for everything Henry Kissinger had espoused during his illustrious career in the public eye. Basically I had moved onto their 'list of terror' because I badmouthed Henry. They confided to me that John Cleese is their number one target though because of the blatant use of his name in a 'humorous' manner when he filmed Fawlty Towers all those years ago.

Anyway, the kidnappers approached Worldcom, asking for a $50m ransom and a full apology, but eventually a compromise was negotiated and Worldcom agreed to make a payment to the organisation as a charity donation, which would 'help them out of a hole' so one of their accountants confessed to me.

Like American league tables, accountancy goes straight over my head, but the other term of my release was that I had to apologise for 'dissing' (as I believe you groovy young Americans call it) Henry Kissinger in this column. Therefore I AM REALLY SORRY FOR OFFENDING HENRY KISSENGER AND NOW UNDERSTAND THAT THE MAN IS A NATURALISED AMERICAN FROM EUROPE CONSEQUENTLY HENRY DOES HAVE A NATURAL UNDERSTANDING OF FOOTBALL AND TO SUGGEST OTHERWISE IS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE TO THE GREAT MAN.

Anyway, whilst all this was happening, my assistant coach, Nick Brown, took charge of team affairs in my absence against Arkinsole. Nick, you will recall, was also the previous manager Huw Lonchenza's right hand man, and he decided to make a few last minute changes to the team, ie. Dropping all the players and tactics I have introduced since I arrived here.

Some cruel commentators have stated this was the reason behind the Worldcoms emphatic victory, but I can't have subordination in the ranks, hence my decision to sack Nick immediately following on from the Arkinsole victory. I would like to place on record my thanks to Nick for all his help to this club in it's various guises over the last 8 years and hope is spell of unemployment ends real soon.

Therefore I am currently on the look-out for an assistant manager, but I can confirm, that despite newspaper rumours to the contrary Roy Keane will not be joining us as player-coach. With the current problems Roy is facing in England I thought it may be an opportunity for him to disappear to pastures new, whilst his enthusiasm and commitment would be a great example to the lily-livered fancy dan foreigners currently on display in our midfield.

I contacted Roy directly, but sadly his response was not what I hoped for: 'Fekkin play for you, you c**t? For a bunch of fekkin Yank tossers? You gotta be fekkin jokin' yer fekkin miserable fekkin excuse of a t**ttin' fetball manager. P**s off and die and never fekkin call me again. You got the message yer fekkin arse?' Certainly I had. Doubly so when his mentor, Sir Alex Ferguson rang me 5 seconds later saying 'Oi Flatcap, you fekkin w****r! Why the fekkin feck are you tapping up my fekkin best player Roy? Don't ye fekkin know who the feck you're fekkin messing with here? Ye know I've got fekkin friends who ye wouldn't fekkin like laddie, such as, er, Roy'So don't ye fekkin go near him again ye fekkin gobs**te, yer hear me? Unless Roy says it's OK for you to fekkin call him, and then I'll fekkin change my fekkin mind. Okay yer fekker?' Clearly a strong relationship with the two of them well suited to each other, so I'll look elsewhere for my right hand man.

Incidentally, if you would like to apply for the job, I have been provided with a computer and you can e-mail me your job application. My e-mail address is [email protected] . Similarly, if you have any comments regarding my column (unless you are a kidnapper then I'd appreciate it if you'd steer clear after last weeks experience thank you very much!) please drop me a line and I'll attempt to read your letters.

I'm not much good with this new-fangled technology ' I was shown how to use the internet the other day for the first time, and decided to see if I could fi

123 90 - day five

CLUBB

The players football union counter terrorist unit has received a warning. The first genuine, black contender for the post of England manager is going to be assassinated in the run up to the 2006 world cup finals.

The following takes place 86 days before the start of the world cup finals in 2006.

The warehouse was a mess. Boston noted the rat droppings, decaying furniture and rusting metal. Most of all he noticed Tinker's body and the ragged, bloody mess where his chest had been. The halogen lights erected by the police lent the scene an odd aspect almost as though this was a piece of modern art. The kind of art that wins idiotic art prizes and commissions. Unfortunately this wasn't an unmade bed, this was his friend, and this, Boston felt, should have been his fate.

Boston wanted a drink. He had already had two big swigs of vodka to get him this far. Now he was wondering whether he could quickly make his excuses and find some hope in the rest of the half-bottle hidden in his glove box. The senior policeman present, Chief Superintendant Clubb, broke his reverie.

'I know it's difficult, but we'll need to discuss the call you received that brought Tinker here.'

'There's so little to say, I had received a message to come here. But I was delayed by pressing family business and after speaking to Tinker he was happy to make the meeting.'

The lies took such an effort of will, small beads of sweat hung around Boston's hairline like little devils, every one threatening to betray him.

'What was the meeting about?'

'We are investigating a death threat against a prominent footballing figure.'

Boston hoped the half-truth would give him time to think. But the thoughts were not quick enough. But Clubb seemed uninterested in pressing the point.

'The letter you received clearly showed that you were the main interest point for this threat, but why weren't you called originally?'

Boston was jolted by this question, who was this Clubb? How did he know about the call Tinker received?

'What?'

Was Boston's lame response.

Clubb either didn't hear or ignored the question and made as if to leave. He suddenly turned back to speak.'

'Oh, one last thing'

Said Clubb, with a faint whiff of Columbo like bravado.

'Tinker was clutching a sheet of paper with the word Castlefield on it.'

'Yes, we know that there is a link to Castlefield.'

Boston replied, he was suddenly very tired.

'The funny thing is that the piece of paper was blood stained, I can't be sure but it seems that it was pushed into the Tinker's hand after he died.'

Boston couldn't think, everything was going wrong. The only person that he had told about his daughter's disappearance was dead and he was being taunted about Castlefield. He really needed a drink.

---

90 is a work of fiction, none of the characters exist and if there are any coincidental name/career/organisation matches with real life then they

are not intended and hopefully will not cause offence.

120 England's number one?

Blamed by many for England's World Cup defeat at the hands of the Brazilians, it was widely believed that we might have seen the last of David Seaman and that bloody pony-tail in an England shirt. However, despite the opinions of the majority, Sven-Goran Eriksson seems set to stick with the ageing flapper as we set out to try and secure qualification for Euro 2004.

when Seaman is finally encouraged to settle into a life of comfy slippers, Saga holidays and Werthers Originals.In fairness to Seaman, he has been a fine servant to his country, but surely now is the time we should be looking to bring in a long-term replacement for the Arsenal custodian. The problem facing Eriksson is where to look, especially given the longstanding reliance of Premiership clubs on employing foreign imports between the sticks.

The long time understudy to Seaman has been Leeds United's Nigel Martyn, but at 36 years of age and having recently been usurped as the Elland Road number one by Paul Robinson, it would appear that his international career might be over before that of the man he has long seemed destined to replace.

England's third choice keeper at the World Cup, West Ham United's David James, has managed to shake off his 'Calamity' reputation and would currently appear to be in prime position to take the gloves when Seaman is finally encouraged to settle into a life of comfy slippers, Saga holidays and Werthers Originals.

Richard Wright's move from Highbury to Goodison Park may look a backward step, but it does show Wright's determination to put himself in the frame as Eriksson's first choice between the sticks. Wright is undoubtedly supremely self-confident and an excellent shop stopper, but he does seem prone to blunders and infuriatingly inconsistent. Both sides of his game were in evidence in his first few games in the Everton goal.

Having stepped up to the first team, Paul Robinson is now surely in pole position among the new generation of young keepers? Like Wright, Robinson is capable of wonderful reflex saves, although he still seemingly prone to lapses in concentration. Particularly impressive during Leeds' Champions League expolits a couple of years ago, he deserves the chance to stake a claim for a place in Eriksson's squad for Euro 2004.

Chris Kirkland's opportunities to shine at Anfield have been few and far between since his big money move from Coventry City. Certainly looked the part at Highfield Road but, barring injury or a chronic loss of form, it's difficult to see him replacing Jerzy Dudek as Gerard Houllier's number one. That, of course, is always going to be the position for a second string keeper at any club, so it could be that Kirkland, like Wright, is forced to move on if he is to realise his international ambitions.

Arsene Wenger's problems in securing adequate cover for Seaman became almost farcical in recent weeks. This is probably more a reflection on doubts surrounding Seaman's ability to remain fit, rather than any slur on his current understudy, Stuart Taylor.. When called upon, Taylor was equal to everything demanded of him last season. As with Kirkland though, it is doubtful whether Eriksson would be prepared to opt for a reserve club keeper in his national squad, and certainly not in his starting line-up.

Now is surely the ideal time for Eriksson to make changes and install James as his new custodian of the onion bag. Wright and Robinson should be given the chance to cement their places in the squad. The alternative, a hunched old-timer with greying pony-tail desperately gesticulating as another ball sails into his empty net, is just too tragic to contemplate.