164 Mexican Wave

sky high and they certainly look to be decent value when it comes to winning the trophy when compared to others. An on-form Rivaldo could be a key factor to their progress.



BORUSSIA DORTMUND - Champions of Germany and the nation's best hope in the absence of Bayern Munich. Probably lack the allround quality to go all the way, but a stern test for anyone nonetheless. Tomas Rosicky is a sublime talent, although he could do without the triple salchows. As with many of the Bundesliga's finest, the lack of truly top class strikers would appear to be their undoing. Being drawn with two of the giants of european football makes any further progress seem unlikely, though far from impossible.



LOKOMOTIV MOSCOW - Probably edge out Basle as the most surprising name in the hat for the second group stage. Came up on the rails to snatch second spot behind Barcelona by winning their last two games, despite missing young playmaker Marat Izmailov through long-term injury. Solid defensively and there will be few who will relish a mid-winter visit to Moscow. However, with the domestic season having just finished (in which they were crowned champions), the Russians will surely be seeking little more than damage limitation and a nice pay cheque?



REAL MADRID - A less than impressive start to the season in both La Liga and the Champions League. Holders and hot favourites to retain their title, although there's been little to justify such faith to date. A squad of fantasy football names, with a wealth of attacking options. The defence on the other hand is far from impregnable, with the ageing Fernando Hierro and Ivan Helguera not the traditional looking central defensive pairing, with both more comfortable further forward. The defence is further handicapped in having to accommodate possibly the most over-rated player in world football - Roberto Carlos (Thora Hird could be accommodated at left-back given the way in which both Brazil and Real play). A reputation built almost exclusively around one free-kick.



PREDICTION: 1) AC Milan, 2) Real Madrid



GROUP D



BASLE - Having administered knock-out blows to both Celtic and Liverpool, the Swiss champions may well be capable of taking crucial points from Manchester United to make an unlikely treble of vanguished British club sides. Formidable home support should ensure that Christian Gross' charges are no push-overs, although they are highly unlikely to progress any further. Argentinian strikers Christian Gimenez and Julio Rossi have proved themselves a major threat and could well trouble defences further. Spare a thought for former president Rene Jaggi, who left in the summer to take over at the Bundesliga's current bottom club Kaiserslautern. Top quality timing Rene!



DEPORTIVO LA CORUNA - Injury-plagued, but still good enough to qualify above Lens and Bayern Munich with some comfort. The Riazor may have lost some of its fortress-like aura, but it will still take a very good team to dispose of La Coruna. Will be desperate for playmaker Juan Carlos Valeron to return from his broken leg, and could also do with a couple of their central defenders back from the treatment table. The long-term loss of keeper Jose Molina for a second bout of cancer treatment is an altogether more serious blow. Look particularly strong up front, where Roy Makaay has been in excellent form and Diego Tristan is an outstanding striker.



MANCHESTER UNITED - A surprisingly stress-free saunter through their first group. Attempts to follow in Madrid's footsteps in assembling a squad of expensive signings, has actually resulted in one that is looking painfully thin in depth as a result of cost--utting around the fringes though (spending £30 million on Rio Ferdinand always looked a risky investment given the limitations elsewhere in the squad). Currently plagued by injuries, United appear to be pinning their hopes on the return of the talismanic Roy Keane. The need for a strike partner for Ruud van Nistelrooy is patently obvious to everyone with the possible exception of increasingly deluded Ferguson. Few can match their Champions League know-how and the midfield, when fit and on form, is still the equal of any. A warm welcome surely awaits La Coruna's Aldo Duscher?



JUVENTUS - Following two years of woeful under achievement, Juve have certainly set about making a vast improvement this time. Alessandro Del Piero has been in fine form and the club are still unbeaten in Serie A. Probably vye with AC Milan as the most genuine of the Italian challengers, in that the squad looks well-balanced and has good strength in depth, with Marco Di Vaio and Mauro Camoranesi being excellent additions to those at Marcello Lippi's disposal. David Trezeguet's knee injury is causing concern, but a midfield featuring the industrious Edgar Davids and the excellent Pavel Nedved, in front of a customary tight defence suggests that the quarter-finals beckon.



PREDICTION: 1) Juventus, 2) Deportivo La Coruna


When Mexico lost 2:0 to the USA in the last 16 of the World Cup in Jeonju, South Korea, there was a huge feeling of anti-climax among followers of El Tri. Having produced some excellent performances in the group stages, it was difficult to comprehend how they could perform so woefully against their beloved northern neighbours.



With coach Javier Aguirre leaving to take up a pre-arranged post in Spain with Osasuna after the finals, the national team has been in a state of limbo ever since, as the notoriously bureaucratic Mexican Football Federation took an age to decide who should replace the departing coach.



Argentinian-born Ricardo La Volpe has been named as the new man at the helm, chosen ahead of Brazil's World Cup winning boss Felipe Scolari, ex- Boca Juniors' coach Carlos Bianchi and the legendary Hugo Sanchez (hugely respected as the greatest Mexican player ever, but regarded as arrogant and aloof as a manager). To add extra spice, there is little love lost between Sanchez and the new incumbant, with the former insisting that only a Mexican-born coach should lead the national team. The fact that La Volpe is a Mexican citizen and that his Toluca side beat Sanchez's UNAM 4:1 did little to help such an argument.



Although the national side haven't played since the finals (a rare lull for a side that seem to be entered for countless meaningless competitions), La Volpe can be confident that he will inherit a squad with a number of top notch players. Whilst white-booted striker Cuahtehmoc Blanco is the most high profile, the one truly world class player is undoubtedly defender Rafael Marquez, a player brought through the ranks by La Volpe at Atlas. The Monaco defender was superb in the group stages of the World Cup, and although his combined Kung Fu kick/ headbutt on Cobi Jones in the USA defeat received the red card it deserved, it shouldn't detract from an otherwise excellent finals. Recently, Marquez has been linked with a move to England, with Fulham reported to be expressing interest. Should anything materialise he would, somewhat surprisingly in these cosmopolitan times, be the first Mexican to ply his trade here.



Whilst debt-laden Brazilian and Argentinian clubs continuously export their best players to Europe, Mexican players tend to stay put. This is largely as a result of the Mexican league not only being the strongest in the Americas with regards to ability but, consequently, also in terms of paying wages. Now however, a few players are beginning to make their way in the major european leagues. As well as Marquez, fellow World Cup star, the excellent midfield playmaker Gerardo Torrado is now with Sevilla (although yet to start due to something called a broken metatarsal?), defender Manuel Vidrio and striker Carlos Ochoa have followed Aguirre to Osasuna and centre-back Sergio Almaguier is now with Galatasaray.



Toluca stars such as defender Salvador Carmona and midfielders Israel Lopez, Rafael Garcia and Octavio Lopez will be expected to feature heavily in La Volpe's plans, as will those who played under him at Atlas, including Miguel Zepeda, Daniel Osorno and Juan Pablo Rodriguez. In addition, the new coach can still call upon the vast bulk of those present in Japan/ South Korea - goalkeeper Oscar Perez (apparently a transfer target of Deportivo La Coruna), left wing-back Ramon Morales, defender Melvin Brown and strikers Francisco Palencia and Blanco. There are also some decent youngsters coming through the ranks, with 20-year old Cruz Azul striker Juan Carlos Cacho probably the most promising of these.



If, as in recent years, the national team are invited to compete in the Copa America, and club sides are permitted to enter the Copa Libertadores, the strength of Mexican football can surely only grow? If more young players are willing to venture overseas and if the meddling of the Football Federation and the notorious corruption that pervades almost all aspects of Mexican life can be kept to a minimum, El Tri (as the national side is known) have the ability to become a major force on the world stage.

163 Champions League: Champions of

The latter would not only be considerably cheaper, but would surely be the better option in a 3:5:2 formation? Aston Villa's Alpay was previously linked with a move to Leeds, and would certainly be a decent and experienced acquisition to strengthen the defence. Nottingham Forest's teenager Michael Daw
There have been a few plus points amidst all the turmoil. Paul Robinson has established himself as a long-term successor to Nigel Martyn at both club and international level (although he has still to convince when it comes to dominating his box), a number of promising youngsters (Matthew Kilgallon, Frazer Richardson, James Milner, Paul Keegan, McMaster, Singh and Cansdell-Sheriff) are beginning to come through and Alan Smith has been in excellent, if typically combative, form.



The recent confirmation from Middlesbrough chairman Steve Gibson that Leeds did indeed come in for Steve McClaren prior to the appointment of Venables does suggest that the current tenure may be short-lived if results don't pick up soon and the right man (Paul Hart please!) becomes available. Whether Leeds could afford to pay off Venables' contract (£2 million per season, albeit for only two seasons) could be a key factor - it's a question that might need answering if results don't pick up very quickly.


O.K., so tipping Bayern Munich to win the Champions League pre-tournament wasn't one of the greatest betting coups in history. Despite their premature exit, the second group stage still contains many of the traditional giants of european football. With Spanish and Italian clubs making up half of the draw, and English clubs providing a further three, the draw has a certain familiarity about it. Will the Italian revival continue apace? Can Manchester United take another step closer to claiming the trophy on home soil (which would surely be the cue for Alex Ferguson to call it a day?)? Will Real Madrid's season finally take off as had been anticipated by the masses? Is there a team to emulate Bayer Leverkusen in the plucky underdog role?



GROUP A



BARCELONA - Awesome in Europe, ordinary in La Liga. The only club to go through the first group stage with a 100% record, although their domestic form has been far less impressive. As with Madrid, the Catalans are far more impressive from an attacking viewpoint than they are defensively, where the likes of Frank de Boer and Michael Reiziger hardly instill confidence. Despite problems settling in since his move from Argentina, Juan Riquelme could prove to be a key figure, alongside his fellow Argentine, Javier Saviola.



BAYER LEVERKUSEN - Still in a state of transition having lost Michael Ballack and Ze Roberto over the summer. Can still call upon quality players in the likes of Lucio, Bernd Schneider and Yildiray Basturk, but seem some way off being able to match last season's achievements. Will be desperate for the likes of Brazilian Franca, Bulgarian Dimitar Berbatov and Oliver Neuville to get back among the goals. Certainly capable of reaching the quarter-finals though, from what appears to be the weakest group.



INTER MILAN - A flying start in Serie A, although the performances have been of a Liverpool-esque dullness. Hector Cuper proved his coaching ability at Valencia though, so it would be foolish to write them off. Currently attempting to deploy a little more guile in midfield, principally in an attempt to accommodate Alvaro Recoba, in addition to the formidable strike partnership of Christian Vieri and Hernan Crespo, whose goals have carried the club for much of the season to date.



NEWCASTLE UNITED - Snatched qualification from Dynamo Kyiv with an injury time winner against Feyenoord. Plenty of pace going forward, in addition to the know-how of Alan Shearer. A defence that is porous at the best of times, never mind when up against europe's finest, will surely be exposed against the attacking qualities of those they now find themselves up against though? Whilst concentrating on europe could have a detrimental effect on their domestic league form, the prospect of further progress can't be discounted if the Geordies get off to a decent start. Bobby Robson will surely use some of the millions in extra revenue to strengthen a relatively small squad in the new year?



PREDICTION: 1) Barcelona, 2) Inter Milan



GROUP B



ARSENAL - Seemingly in the process of confirming their status, ahead of Manchester United, as the team to beat in the English Premiership. Started the season in a manner that suggested that they were capable of sweeping all before them, before a major blip in October. Now regaining early season results if not performances. Huge question marks over dodgy David Seaman and the central defensive partnership of Sol Campbell and Pascal Cygan has yet to convince. The returning Martin Keown will be a welcome sight for The Gunners.



AJAX - Signs of a resurgence from the Amsterdam side under Ronald Koeman. Not yet contenders for the title, but certainly moving in the right direction. With quality young players of the calibre of Rafael van der Vaart, Andy van der Meyde, Victor Sikora (a target for Fulham over the summer), Cristian Chivu and Zlatan Ibrahimovic and the experience of the returning Jari Litmanen, Richard Witschge and Aron Winter, Ajax are capable of matching the best on their day.



AS ROMA - For all their attacking options, a paltry return of just three goals from their opening group stage doesn't bode well for their long-term ambitions in the competition. Too many key players are past their best and there is an over-reliance on the creativity of Francesco Totti (currently hampered by a knee injury). Sure to be tough to beat, with Emerson the driving force of a physical-looking midfield. Serie A form has been disappointing, with the weekend's 3:0 defeat at Parma hardly a confidence booster and there are a number of injury doubts.



VALENCIA - Have added goals to a tremedous work ethic, to produce a team the equal of any in the competition. A wonderful midfield that is arguably the best anywhere. Ruben Baraja, David Albelda, Kily Gonzalez (out for two months with ankle ligament damage), Miguel Angulo, Rodriguez Vicente and Pablo Aimar provide a perfect fusion of endeavour and artistry. Now that the forwards, so long derided, have suddenly hit goalscoring form, Valencia must be considered potential champions. Twice Champions League bridesmaids, there will be few who would begrudge them the top honour this time.



PREDICTION: 1) Valencia, 2) Arsenal



GROUP C



AC MILAN - Undoubtedly the most exciting of the Italian challengers on paper. With Filippo Inzaghi starting the season in prolific form, Milan stormed through the first group stage. Any club that can do the double over Bayern Munich has to be taken as serious contenders. Top of Serie A as the second phase of the Champions League gets under way, so confidence will be

162 Tel's hell

It might be unfair to judge Terry Venables after just 15 league games at the helm, but then life's like that isn't it?! As results continue to disappoint, questions are being increasingly raised as to the manager's suitability for the task in hand.



Venables' claim that the club may not be good enough to qualify for Europe is difficult to comprehend given that the squad is little changed from that which David O'Leary managed to steer to successive European semi-finals? Not exactly the most sensible of comments when it comes to fostering team morale or winning over a less than supportive Elland Road faithful either.



The latest home defeat to the mighty Bolton Wanderers was, alarmingly, the fifth of the season already at Elland Road. Even allowing for the current injury situation, the decision to play Jason Wilcox as a left-back and Jacob Burns (who isn't and, unfortunately, never will be Premiership quality) in midfield does little to justify the hype that has built up over the years with regards to Venables' legendary tactical acumen.



Perversely the media, so often the architechts of managerial dismissals, remain steadfastly loyal to Venables. There is an element of the emperor's new clothes in the way in which the Karaoke Kid's reign is somehow deemed to be beyond reproach. There is an apparent fear of being exposed to ridicule for not appreciating or comprehending the tactical masterplan of perma-tanned one. Unfortunately, opposition teams don't appear have been reading the script.



As a life-long cynic, the feeling remains that Venables was appointed more for his media profile in a bid to pep up the plc, than his ability to achieve any tangible success on the pitch (the appointment of Max Clifford in an advisory role does little to dispel this belief). Many who support Venables have pointed to his popularity among those who have played under him previously. So what?! Page 3 girls are also extremely popular with many players, but I don't see anyone extolling the merits of Jordan as Premiership managerial material?



Whilst some will point to the financial turmoil and upheaval at the club, it should be noted that the only major transfers out of the club were Rio Ferdinand and Robbie Keane, so Venables can still call on a squad comparable to any in the Premiership. Quite why Keane, having returned from an excellent World Cup, was sold for a mere £7 million has never been answered, especially in the light of the long-term injuries that have kept fellow strikers Robbie Fowler and Michael Bridges out of contention? To be fair, Peter Ridsdale, whose reputation has plummeted with Michael Barrymore-esque speed, is probably the man to whom such questions should be addressed.



As for Venables' already infamous selection policy, it appears that he is determined to adopt his chosen formation, regardless of his reluctance to select those players at the club who could make this viable. Nick Barmby, being Venables' first signing, has come in for much unwarranted criticism, when the real problem is surely that he, along with the others deployed, simply isn't suited to Venables' favoured 4:3:3? Lee Bowyer's form is no better than erratic, as he continues to stall over whether or not to sign a new contract and Eirik Bakke seems ill at ease in the holding role. Olivier Dacourt, bizarrely overlooked at a time when the side is frequently being outnumbered in the middle of the park, is another whose committment can certainly be called into question at times. That said, he has done little wrong when called upon during the current campaign, to the extent that he has even forced his way into the French national squad. The belief that Dacourt is being pushed out, and almost provoked into deman
Quite how a three-man midfield bereft of Dacourt can also afford to omit David Batty is difficult to explain? Batty's best days are certainly behind him (and he is now out for six weeks through injury in any case), but his committment to the club, unlike some others, can not be called into question. The current situation surely necessitated his inclusion, not only to appease the fans, but to bring some steel and self-belief to a team that is patently badly lacking both.



Much has been made of Venables' desire to bring in his own men, but there must be severe doubts as to how much money will be available for rebuilding come the new year. Attempts to send Batty out on loan may have come to nothing, but with Jamie McMaster (Coventry City), Harpal Singh (Bradford City), Shaun Allaway (Grimsby Town), Danny Milosevic (Plymouth Argyle), Craig Farrell (Carlisle United - now a permanent deal), Domonique Krief (Sheffield Wednesday), Steven Ferguson (Hyde United) and Shane Cansdell-Sheriff (Rochdale) all currently out on loan, it is difficult to believe that they are being farmed out for anything other than to appease the bank manager (particularly in light of the current injury strife). In addition, Ridsdale has long said that he wants the club to register a net profit on transfers and that the squad is currently overmanned to the tune of four players. Frankly, the omens don't look good in terms of new recruits.



Come January, speculation suggests that Elland Road will witness more comings and goings than Ulrika Jonsson's bedroom. Those that could be heading for the exit include Batty, Bowyer, Dacourt, Wilcox, Ian Harte (a complete liability) Nigel Martyn, Michael Duberry, Gary Kelly and Danny Mills. Venables is said to want to revert to a back-three, that suggests that two wing-backs, a centre-back and a ball-winning midfielder need to be brought in. Brett Emerton, who has been linked for so long that he must be due a testimonial, is again said to be Elland Road bound and would be an ideal candidate for the right wing-back spot. On the left, Lazio's Juan Pablo Sorin and Pompey's Matt Taylor have both been linked.

160 Harry Flatcap in international

Hello Flatcap followers! Greetings from the dizzy heights of the league
leaders Liverpool! Our 1-0 success over Sunderland helped us to maintain
top spot in the Premiership.



Sure, it wasn’t pretty. Spoiling tactics, timewasting, defensive displays.
Men behind the ball, tough challenges, and sheer intimidation are something
you have to get used to when you are playing at home. Sunderland weren’t
much better either.



It looked like being a 0-0 draw, indeed many fans had left long before our
late late winner. Those that did say witnessed a splendid goal by our big
lad Hyppia. It was a tactic we have been working on greatly in training:
The lad with the long throw hurls it as far as possible into the penalty
box, our big lads crowd out their goalkeeper (with a bit of ‘off the ball’
for good measure for the goalie, any defenders in the way, and the referee
if we are truly desperate), and we hope to get on the end of it to force it
in the net. It worked, at the 437th time of trying (thank-you Opta
statistics for that one – As ever, most illuminating) that afternoon.



Speaking of Sammy, and being a bit of a footballing traditionalist, I think
it’s nice to see old names like Sammy gracing the Premiership. We need more
Stans, Billies, and Ralphs to help maintain the standards that made English
football great. Having a Sam in the team sets the right standard. So much
so, I left a voicemail message on Sven Goran Erikssons telephone saying why
had he yet again overlooked Sammy for the England team? He hasn’t returned
my call yet. I bet an English national manager would have called straight
back.



It is an international week; therefore many of my players will be jetting
off to meet up with their national colleagues. We have been bombarded by
Irish Republic officials wandering around the place, hoping that they may be
able to snatch any of the remaining players at Liverpool and claim them as
honorary Irishmen, in the wake of the cry-off of 11 Irish squad members from
their get together nexttweek. I can understand their desperation, but I
fail to see how interrogating Milan Baros, John Aare-Riise, or one of our
Senegalese lads (still trying to learn all their names) to see if they may
have Irish grandparents is stretching the point somewhat. I was asked the
question this week “What exactly do you do?” which I presume was in relation
to the time in the managers schedule when all our players have disappeared
on international duty. To answer the question, I will be on spying
missions, watching as many international games as possible, in the hope of
scouting a promising foreigner. To assist me in this area I am always
grateful to Sky, Channel 5, and Eurosport, whose unceasing transmission of
irrelevant international matches to fill up empty schedules ensures that the
modern manager of today needn’t leave his armchair to check out the football
scene. You do have to be careful, I was down at the Liverpool branch of
Dixons, asking them to install a digital system at my new Toxteth home (only
£5000 – Half my yearly salary – A snip!). I said to the assistant I wanted
to be able to scout hot young overseas talent on the channels and so far the
only channels I’ve received are Television X and the Playboy channel.
Hopefully this will be rectified before the international matches kick off.



To make matters easier I’m hoping to recruit an assistant manager to work
with me at Liverpool, so if you fancy applying please drop me a line at
[email protected] .



I would also like to pass on my congratulations to my teenage hot shot
Michael Owen and the news he’s about to become a dad. I chuckled with him
in the dressing room that he’s been scoring well on and off the pitch this
season! Don’t know what happened to the legendary Scouse wit as nobody
laughed along. Too many foreigners in the dressing room these days.



Anyway, that’s it for another week. I hope all you Liverpool fans are happy
with the job I’m doing. I know my chairman is. “We pay you 200 times less
than we paid the last bloke and I’ve noticed no difference in our play” So
as long as I maintain his support I know I’ll be OK. Let’s see how he feels
when January comes around and I want some money for new players! (If you
can suggest anybody who fit in at Flatcap’s Liverpool please drop me a
line!)



All the best



Harry Flatcap

161 Is the Manchester United era o

Given today’s results with the top two, Arsenal and Liverpool, losing and Chelsea, in third place, needing a late goal to rescue a point. You would assume that a 5-3 win over an in-form Newcastle side would be that start of better times. On the contrary the very way Newcastle went about their business suggests that this Manchester United side may have a couple of trophies left, but that the bulk of their achievements are behind them.



Manchester United are suffering with injuries, there is no doubt about that. Any team would suffer if it lost four first choice England players, Beckham, Butt, Gary Neville and Rio Ferdinand. But then when Roy Keane, Juan Veron and Phil Neville are missing I think a lot of fixed odds money will have been thrown at Newcastle United to win today.



The point is that the aura that Manchester United had gained at Old Trafford is now gone. Gone are the days when teams like Crystal Palace or Swindon Town or some such team would roll up at Old Trafford, expect to be beaten, and not be disappointed. This gave Manchester United a start against most teams and a win against some. All told some of the results they achieved would have happened anyway, but this ‘aura’ probably gifted them 5-10 points per season. Newcastle attacked because they expected victory, in previous seasons they may well have defended because they expected defeat.



Arsene Wenger long complained that teams were not trying as hard against Manchester United, because they felt they could coast to inevitable defeat and save their energies for more winnable fixtures. I’m paraphrasing but the point is clear, a dominating team gets away with games when they are playing badly, simply because their opponents have a mindset attuned to losing, and by the time they realise that they can win it is often too late.



This season Manchester United have not been able to coast in any domestic match as team after team have harried and hustled them out of their stride. The three-goal win over Everton (all the goals coming in the final five minutes, with two coming after the sending off of David Weir) remains their biggest win – and was far from convincing. 5-3 against Newcastle and 3-1 against Charlton are the only times that Manchester United have won by more than a goal.



Now the aura has gone in the league it is debatable that Manchester United have the capacity to surrender 5-10 points and still become champions. But given that no other team has grasped the mantle – although Arsenal were giving a very good impression as heir apparent two months ago – then it stands to reason that the title race will be tight and will go to a team getting fewer points than usual. Three teams got to 79 points last season, if any team gets that many this time they will be champions. And if anyone is going to get that many points its most likely to be Arsenal.



If the aura has gone in the league it most certainly has not gone in the Champions League. Here teams do not consider domestic form nearly as much as historical achievement. This is why Real Madrid and Manchester United can cruise in Europe but have to fight madly at home. At home in Europe Manchester United have won every game mostly by crushing margins, 5-0, 5-2, 4-0 and 2-0. In Europe the aura is still there and with the final being at Old Trafford the contrary thought is that Manchester United have a much better chance of being Champions of Europe than they have of being Champions of England.

159 When Sunderland win ugly the o

me to be closing for another week. It’s certainly a
different world managing a Premiership club. Yesterday I was invited to the
factory of the company that manufactures our playing kit and asked to select
some training gear to wear so that I’d look the part (their words not mine).
I was introduced to rows of rows of natty luminous tracksuits, the manager
of the plant telling me that some of the worlds top DJ’s wear their leisure
brands. I retorted “I’ve never seen Noel Edmonds or Tony Blackburn in any
of this gear.” The manager pulled a face at me. Some people just think
they know it all eh?



Don’t forget you can e-mail me on [email protected] – I’ve not had a
chance to investigate the hoard of Nigerian businessmen who have e-mailed me
recently but I certainly will do so as that looks like a promising business
venture.



All the best



Harry Flatcap


The most astonishing part of the 0-0 draw at Anfield on Sunday wasn’t the scoreline. After all Liverpool are stuttering (if not yet full-scale blipping) and Howard Wilkinson doesn’t usually send out his teams to get battered. The more astonishing statistic was that Sunderland had no shots on goal, not even off target. Only large slices of luck and inspired goalkeeping, by a keeper who couldn’t catch a beachball five weeks ago – clever psychology apparently, kept Sunderland in the game. But it seems that Sunderland have set their stall out. They intend to avoid relegation by playing ugly, grinding football. Will football be the loser if they succeed, oh yes.



As the season closes on the halfway mark Sunderland have scored no goals 7 times, 1 goal six times and have hit the heady heights of 2 goals only once against the hapless Tottenham team who were about to sweep all before them (well that was last month). In fact all Sunderland’s wins have fortuitously come when they have been playing teams in dreadful form, Tottenham in November, Aston Villa in September and Leeds United in 2002. They have evolved into a grinding side that gets a nose bleed outside their own penalty area. Even Gerard Houllier considers them to be overly defensive.



Despite have the worst goalscoring record in the football league with just 8 goals (closest rivals Huddersfield, division two with 13 goals and Sheffield Wednesday, division one with 15 goals) Sunderland do not appear to have a plan B. Last season even the useless Leicester City outscored them with 30 goals, despite Brian Deane being their leading scorer with only six goals. In 2000/1 Bradford were the whipping boys but still managed 30 goals despite Jim Jefferies desperately selling every player with more than one leg. In 1999/2000 Watford managed 35 goals, in 1998/9 Nottingham Forest got 35 goals, in 1997/8 Newcastle United got 35 goals and so on.



Last season Sunderland got 29 goals in 38 games or 0.8 goals per game. Even by maintaining that dreadful record they would have 2 or 3 more goals, but that has proved beyond them. Kevin Phillips goalscoring feats of 1999/2000 and 2000/1 are now but a distant memory as his last three seasons goals scored are 30, 14 and 11, but this season injuries and form have restricted him to just 1 goal. But it is still only eighteen months since Sunderland finished seventh in the league for the second successive year, with 46 goals. 14 goals from Phillips, 8 from the transferred Don Hutchison, 7 from the retired Niall Quinn and 4 from the pillared Kevin Kilbane. A year earlier Sunderland got 57 goals. 57 then 46 then 29, this statistic is heading in one direction.



This season Tore Andre Flo is the only Sunderland player that has bagged more than one league goal, as his killer touch in from of goal has got him 3 goals – this leaves him as joint 21st leading scorer in the league behind marksmen like Danny Murphy of Liverpool and David Dunn of Blackburn.



Hard, disciplined work can get teams only so far. Perhaps Howard Wilkinson will get his team creating chances once they are away from the relegation zone. Unfortunately without scoring goals they will never get very far. Compare Sunderland’s approach with their rivals who are willing to trade goals to win matches and you can gather the paucity of their approach. By insisting on this grinding approach Wilkinson will have few friends in the boardroom and tumbleweed will be blowing across the deserted terraces at the Stadium of Light when Sunderland are relegated next May.

158 Harry Flatcap and the faulty B

As they used to say on the popular Scouse sit-com Bread – “Greetings!”
Harry Flatcap here to report on my debut week in charge of Liverpool.



My first game in charge was up in the Far East against Middlesbrough. They
have an excellent young manager, Malcolm McClaren, who has a fine record in
developing raw and somewhat precocious young talent and nurturing it along
until it can perform as a successful outfit and make a great profit in the
bargain. However I was optimistic that with the greater experience gained
throughout my career in a wider-reaching variety of football roles that I
could outwit Malcolm and steer Liverpool onwards in their march for the
premiership. As you well know now this didn’t happen, as Liverpool slumped
to their first defeat of the league season. I had decided to name the same
team that Gerard Houllier had picked in his last game in charge, which was
clearly a mistake.



I’m still trying to get a feel for the place and stamp my authority onto the
football club, so to start with a 1-0 defeat was clearly depressing, but as
we remain top of the league I won’t lose too much sleep over it. I must
admit though that I was becoming rather agitated as I thought the players
were not only ignoring my instructions, but were also ignoring me; their
shaking of their heads at me was becoming most annoying and I thought I was
about to blow. Imagine my embarrassment when I realized why the players
were ignoring me: In my desperation to make a good impression I forgot that
the team kitted out in all red were actually Middlesbrough, not Liverpool.
My instructions that day certainly created a lot of bemusement in both
technical areas!



We flew out to Switzerland for our Champions League clash with FC Basle the
next day (do FC Basle have ding-dong derby matches with their rivals FC
Sybill? Boom! Boom!). The press were making a great deal about the battle
ahead, making comparisons between the 2 rival managers. Indeed Christian
Gross was referred to as the “Swiss Harry Flatcap” which I found a great
tribute. Watching training closely the following day I decided to make a
few changes. We needed an enthusiastic ball winner in midfield, a leader
and organizer at the back, and after Jerzy Dudek’s error at the end of the
‘Boro match I felt I needed someone who could dive around the goal to good
effect. So I recalled Sammy Lee and Phil Thompson to the side, and changed
Emile Heskey’s role to goalkeeper.



Things started rather badly, and Basle roared into a 3-0 lead early in the
first half. My 3 changes seemed to have backfired: Thompson and Lee clearly
aren’t fit enough, and I ripped into them badly at half-time. It was only
at this point I realized they were also part of the coaching staff (like the
big lad, Joe Corrigan), and they both promptly handed in their resignations.
I had wondered why they both kept hanging around in my office; I thought
they were currying favour with the new manager.



Anyway at half-time I made the required changes, the resigned duo departed
and Hyppia and Gerrard came on. Jerzy Dudek went in goal as Heskey hadn’t
managed to catch a pop-rival style song show on television, let alone a
football, in the first half. The results were instantaneous, we charged
forward, and under my shrewd tactical knowledge (“Kick the ball upfield for
the fast lads to chase”) we turned it around and won 4-3! Result! We’re in
the Champions League still!



I was submerged by the media at this point after the game, all of them
wanting my views on what had happened, what my tactical masterplan was, and
miscellaneous musings on the football world today. Indeed I felt that my
star had already risen within the media and that I needed to rein in the
interest various organizations may show in me. Therefore I contacted the FA
of Ireland, to make them aware that if my name should be on their shortlist
for the position of Ireland manager, sadly I would have to decline as I’m
fully committed to Liverpool. I didn’t want them to waste their time
considering me for me to turn around and say no anyway. I felt their
riposte was tinged with bitterness that I would reject them: “Harry Flatcap?
Sorry, I’ve never heard of you.” Was the response from the FAI official I
spoke to.



Another journalist asked me what my views were with the issues at the FA. I
told him I felt terribly sorry for Adam Crozier. I believe him when he says
he kept some of the valuables belonging to the late Alan Hardaker to stop
them falling into the wrong hands. Fortunately as the case went to court
Ken Bates intervened and everything was settled amicably. The journalist
felt I may be getting a little confused here, but asked me who I felt should
be the new FA supremo. I replied that I felt great antipathy towards all
the leading candidates, because they had all sacked me at some stage in
their guise as football club chairman. The journo was surprised at this.
“What about Sir Hubert Crumpton-Smythe, chairman of Pughfoot and Felveham
District Sunday Amateur FA – He has never been a football club chairman?”
True, he hadn’t. However he used to serve as headmaster at the local public
school in the district and during a spell between professional management
jobs I was employed as sports master. Unfortunately Mr. Crumpton-Smythe
found he had no option but to sack me after numerous complaints were
received from parents, insisting their boys were traumatized after my
coaching sessions. This seemed a little over the top. Sure I was hard, but
always fair, and the allegation that I continually screamed “Run faster you
nancy-boy faggots or next time you’re running without yer pumps on – Just
yer y-fronts!” was not true – I only did this a couple of times every
session.



Anyway, it’s ti

157 What is Houllier doing?

Liverpool team selections have seemed a trifle bizarre recently. And as a result the cohesive, solid outfit that was running away with the Premiership is now starting to let results slip. It’s not exactly that he’s picking the wrong players; it’s just that he seems oddly obsessed with playing them in the wrong places.



The continued use of Heskey as a left winger is puzzling. Why is Riise is being forced to learn to defend when he would be far more effective pushed further forward. Riise has a cracking shot and is a good crosser of the ball. On his day he is effectively a left-footed David Beckham. Heskey is not a natural ball player, he has pace and power but lacks the guile to get inside or outside a full-back with any regularity. Failing that he needs to have a long passing game – which he patently doesn’t have.



Tonight’s nearly (oh so nearly) show in Switzerland was exacerbated by the use of Hamann as an attacking midfielder. Leaving Gerrard to perform defensive duties was a clear case of square pegs in round holes. If Gerrard was unfit – and his withdrawal at half-time suggests that he wasn’t fully fit – then why was he risked? Either of the Senegalese / French signings Diouf or Diao would have been a better option to sit behind Owen. Even throwing another attacker on from the start would have made sense in a will-win match. But two defensive midfielders seem an odd choice in a match that Liverpool had to win.



Then there is the enigma of Vladimir Smicer. He has been played in central midfield in the Premiership recently, a position that only a handful of people outside the Liverpool coaching staff could possibly see him filling. But against Basle he was preferred to the muscular Heskey or the prolific Baros as a second striker. Although he got the second goal against Baros, he doesn’t convince as a hole player. Surely his delicate skills are more suited to wing play (or perhaps Scottish football).



Igor Biscan was tried at centre-half in the league cup last week and no doubt Sami Hyppia will be converted to a playmaker in the Francesco Totti mould before the winter is over.



Perhaps this is total football with a scouse accent. Perhaps a squad overloaded with defensive midfielders, can’t really respond when Michael Owen is kept quiet and Houllier is trying to see if someone can save him a fortune in the transfer market. There is very little wrong with this Liverpool side. But tinkering with nearly men may be recoverable in England, but in the rarefied atmosphere of European football (obviously not in the discarded and second-rate UEFA cup) it can be your undoing.



Basle maybe should not have been ranked 32 of 32 Champions League teams, but Liverpool lack width and rarely take the risks that made their performance tonight so exciting. Perhaps they will now see what a team they can be when they take risks and go on to be Champions. Or will Bernard Diomede be in goal for training at Melwood this week?

156 Harry Flatcap is manager of Li

Well it has certainly been a dramatic week in the life of Harry Flatcap.
Who would have thought it, me, manager of Liverpool?!?



The week commenced slowly enough, I was still in the League Managers
Association Homeless Shelter, munching on a bowl of cocoa pops in the dining
area whilst having a lively chat with Bryan Robson. Bryan had been quoted
in the press as thus:



“I’m extremely interested in the Stoke City job. I would like to speak to
the Icelandic directors about the position. I live locally, so the job
would be ideal for me.”



“But Bryan” I persisted, “You are wrong. You don’t live anywhere near
Iceland.” At this point Bryan got up and left the table shaking his head,
no doubt off to organise some drinking session with Reidy and the rest of
the lads. I remained where I was, as I always found Robbo slightly
incomprehensible. I don’t know whether it’s the accent, the mind-numbing
delivery, or the fact I suspect he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Not
like me of course, I need to steer clear of these people as it could damage
my credibility.



Visitors hour was looming close, and all the inmates became excited. A
couple of managerial vacancies needed filling and the lads all hoped that
maybe a chairman would come looking for them, and it wouldn’t be a family
member or friend waiting to meet them in the visitors room. There was
always excitable chatter as the clock ticked towards 11 o’clock. The big
talk had been that Graham Taylor, a more than frequent lodger in this
establishment, may well be preparing to return. He’s a popular guy Graham,
he always has a pleasant word and something to say, much like your favorite
elderly uncle. You just have to separate the wheat from the chuff when he
is speaking, and there is quite a bit of that I know, but he is a great guy.



To my great surprise a member of the shelter staff called my name and I sat
down in the small cell-like room at a small desk. I did not recognize the
agitated looking man sitting opposite from me across the battered wooden
paper receptacle.



“Harry Flatcap? I’d like to offer you the job of manager of Liverpool.”


“Uh? But surely, you don’t need…”


“You’re right. We didn’t. There has been, what I’d call, an ‘administrable
misunderstanding’” The Liverpool director explained what had happened.
Apparently the Chairman had barked at one of the Directors “We need a flat
back four” during a match and the director, a little hard of hearing, an
avid reader of squarefootball.net and allegedly, a little bit tipsy thought
he’d said “We need Flatcap”. The director asked the chairman if he wanted
it fixed and he said “Yes, speak to Houllier, sort it out.”



As a consequence Gerard Houllier was dismissed as manager of Liverpool this
week, and replaced by me.



I had a difficult face to face with Gerard as I bade my farewells to the
remaining managers in the hostel, to a man they uttered the words “You jammy
git”. As I headed for the exit door Gerard was entering the hostel, Gerard
looked for all the world like a broken man.



“Who iz thiis Harree Flatcappe?” he mumbled as he stumbled in to the shelter
with glassy eyes. I was tempted to go over to him. To sympathize. To tell
him I understood his predicament. After all, wasn’t I sacked as manager of
the Florida Worldcoms with the team flying towards a play-off final? I
understood the pain he felt and wanted to tell him that a man of his
qualities would soon be back in football.



But sod it! Harry’s back in business!!! I may consider however the
possibility of appointing Gerard as assistant manager. After all, as
everyone knows, anybody connected with football who is French is brilliant.



So I made my way down to Anfield and the impromptu media frenzy. I was
touched by the Chairmans reaction to me. He burst into tears upon my
arrival, and immediately I realized this is a man I could work for as his
emotional involvement was evident immediately.



I traveled over to the training ground and was immediately impressed by the
facilities at the training complex. I made my way over to where the
goalkeepers were practicing their skills and made my observations to one
member of the group.



“Hey you, the tubby one! I’m sorry mate, but you won’t play for me in that
condition, you’re going to have to lose a few pounds…”


“But I’m Joe Corrigan, the goalkeeping coach.”


“Oh…er. Well keep up the good work Joe, perhaps soon we can have the
Liverpool no.1 in the England team eh?”


“Well I don’t think so boss…he’s Polish.”



I can see that I’m clearly out of touch with what’s happening over here
after my brief sojourn in America. But I’m sure I’ll soon reacclimatize as
I try to change Liverpool’s league position (mental note – must check out
where Liverpool are in the league).



I’ll let you know next week about how successful my early days have been in
charge of one of the biggest clubs in the world!



Don’t forget you can contact me on [email protected]. A Mr. Ed
Lekerman did that, asking me if I could put him in contact with the reporter
Ulrich Lekerman, as they may well be related. I’m sorry Mr. Lekerman, but
as that journalist is my nemesis I sadly can’t assist. However I do appear
to have received a lot of e-mails from Nigerian businessmen offering me
untold riches if I help them legitimately smuggle millions of dollars out of
their country – I’ll certainly be looking into the possibilities of that!



All the best



Harry Flatcap

155 The toughest Premiership yet

There is always an element of conjecture involved in trying to assess the relative strengths of teams over the last ten years. But the facts seem to suggest that this is the toughest Premiership for several years – and probably the toughest since the year after the ‘breakaway’ when Manchester United pipped Norwich and Aston Villa to the title in 1992/1993.



Why is it the toughest Premiership?



Basically the number of big wins and uncompetitive games are now running at an historic low. As a measure we have looked at the number of times teams have scored four or more goals in a game, because that is the point when a Saturday Evening Green/Pink/Purple ‘Un generally starts using the word ‘rout’.



Before bonfire night in 2000, there were twelve ‘routs’. With the standout performances being Manchester United demolishing Bradford 6-0 on a night when Bradford could, astonishingly, have gone top of the Premiership and Chelsea thumping Coventry 6-1. Both teams on the wrong end of these results were relegated.



Before bonfire night last season there were thirteen thumpings, when Blackburn Rovers drubbed West Ham 7-1 to intensify the pressure on Glenn Roeder. West Ham seem to be making a habit of starting badly. Middlesbrough, Everton and Bolton also hit five goals against West Ham and two of the side that were eventually relegated – Derby and Leicester.



This season has seen only six big wins; the best being a measly 5-1 win for Arsenal over West Brom and Blackburn getting five in a seven-goal thriller with Newcastle.
History would seem to suggest that West Brom will now be relegated, although Newcastle will probably get enough points to escape.



Are there fewer routs because the number of red cards issued has fallen? Last season there were 70 red cards issued over 380 fixtures or a sending off every 5.4 games. This season 23 players have had early use of the bathing facilities in 118 fixtures, or marching orders being issued every 5.1 games. So if anything referees are brandishing more red cards this season than last.



So have standards risen? It seems that the desperation to remain amongst the elite has raised the game of most of the also-rans in the division. There has been much talk of a three tier Premiership over the past few years, and although this division still exists it seems that the first tier now consists of just three teams, Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United (the bookies will offer 25/1 bar these three). The distinctions and membership of the other two tiers are blurring and perhaps disappearing.



If the new Premiership second tier does now contain the other 17 teams it can only raise standards. Most teams can now look at a European spot every few years and this does appear to be altering the style of play in the Premiership. Although the speed of the game is unrelenting, passing and ball retention are now prized commodities. Witness Blackburn’s attempt to pass Celtic to death last week and you realise that there are few hit-and-hope sides left at the top level in England.



Will we see a Southampton or a Fulham in the Champions League? Possibly. But the end of uncompetitive matches and a more European style of play could finally see the Premiership as a whole become the best league in Europe. This is an accolade that was lost in Heysel and has taken a generation of football before it is even within sight.

154 Graeme Souness, prodigal son

but did he not recall making such disparaging
remarks about Ipswich when he was manager of Man City? I nodded benignly
until I noticed David O’Leary sprinting towards the barred windows, hands
flailing, screaming demonically as he flew past my chair.



“Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! Get me out of here! I wanna be a
football manager! Oi’m only a baby! Another second of watching ‘This
Morning’ and I’ll stick me ‘ead through the TV set. Where’s Risdale? Gimme
moi money! Venables! I’m after you!” “There there Mr. O’Leary” a care
assistant tiptoed over to the now sobbing Irishman. “I’m sure another job
will come along soon. Now you’re all off to the golf course soon so lets
have a nice cup of tea and forget about all this eh?” O’Leary walked away,
his red raw eyes telling me he’s had quite a few moments like this since his
job was snatched from him in August.



Speaking of Joe, I had a phone call from my old Ugandan centre-half when I
was in charge of the Florida Worldcoms, Clementine Ungondu. He was missing
me, telling me how the team had struggled after I was sacked and the
management team were all locked away, and it looks like the team will fold.
Therefore it looks like Clemantine will need to find a new club. I told him
not to worry, Joe Royle was about to re-enter club management which means
every available centre-half in the world will soon be signing for Ipswich.
Clemantine felt that was great, he could come over and live with me! Er,
yes, I replied, we’ll see what happens…



For the time being, I’m happy to catch my breath since my release from
prison and subsequent deportation had left me feeling a little
disorientated. You may feel I’ve replaced one grim institution with another
but that isn’t true. I’m with like minds here, honest football men. I’ve
smoked a pipe with Jimmy Armfield, had a chat about the good old days with
Jim Smith, and helped George Graham squish his blackheads (even when
destitute George is very proud of his appearance). True, I’ve also sat
nodding and grinning at Kenny Dalglish whilst wondering what on earth he was
talking about. I’ve listened to Jimmy Hill rant about all sorts of things
without having the faintest idea what he was talking about (god bless him!).



And I’ve nearly got into a fight with Ruud Gullit. Well hasn’t everyone?
But these people are the same as me. I belong.



Still the time is right to get back on my feet, and I’m putting the feelers
out for any new positions that may turn up. If you feel you know the right
job, or want to make contact with me, please e-mail me on
[email protected] .



Regards



Harry Flatcap


When Souness left Liverpool in January 1994, after being sacked / having resigned / by mutual consent (delete as applicable) – who would have thought he would go on to become one of the most respected of British managers. With the possible exception of Bobby Robson, Graeme Souness is now the best-travelled manager currently working in the Premiership. With Blackburn poised to achieve their best league position since Kenny Dalglish left, we look at the phoenix that is Graeme Souness.



Below the top three in the Premiership the results and positions of teams are getting more and more difficult to predict. In particular there has been the emergence of five teams – Blackburn, Everton, Tottenham, Middlesbrough and Southampton – with the verve and ability to challenge for European places. These teams are now manoeuvring to replace the established near-elite teams of Chelsea, Leeds, Aston Villa and Newcastle.



Interestingly none of these teams have a manager with a history of trophy success except Souness. He was a winner after adding British talent(?!) like Mike Marsh and Mark Pembridge to his Benfica side or Kevin Campbell to his Galatasaray side or English talent like Chris Woods, Trevor Steven and Terry Butcher to his Glasgow Rangers side that won three championships. He was less successful at Southampton and Torino.



His real annus horibilis was the year after his triple bypass, 1993, when Liverpool fans could see that their team was slipping from the best team in the country to become an also-ran. It wasn’t as if the most acceptable of the bad options to replace them, George Graham’s Arsenal, were stepping into the breech. It was their hated rivals on the other side of Lancashire, Manchester United.



Souness typically refused to resign despite Liverpool’s worst start to the season since King Tut, but was ousted in January 1994. The wise pundits at the time were sure that his big chance had gone.



Since then though his travels have improved him as a manager. He has always liked hard working players but his sale of McAteer who he has effectively replaced with David Thompson and Damien Duff shows that he now appreciates that hard-working and talented players are needed in these frenetic times, and a good engine is no longer enough. His team is very much a reflection of Graeme Souness as a player; talented, close passing, strong tackling and a never-say-die attitude that saw them through at Highbury.



The squad may not be strong enough to challenge for the title, but the first team is a match for many in England and Europe. Celtic were very lucky to get a goal never mind a win in the UEFA cup last week.



The future for Graeme Souness is very bright. Don’t rule out another move to a major European side. And, whisper this, don’t rule out a move to replace Ferguson at Old Trafford. It is difficult to get him to say so much as a vaguely unenthusiastic word about Manchester United. This despite Ferguson dumping his unwanted players, Berg, Cole and Yorke, and attempting to prise away talent like Duff. Souness is doing very nicely, but don’t for a minute believe that he feels he has found his true niche, for a man like Souness his niche will always be the very top.

153 Harry Flatcap is free

‘I’m free, to do what I want, any old time’. Indeed I am! Harry Flatcap
here with the good news that I’ve been released from Florida State
Penitentiary and deported back to Blighty.



The US Government Officials investigating the fraud investigations
perpetrated at the Florida Worldcoms soccer team have also exonerated my
name.



Senator Howard Kendall (I always wondered what happened to him!) read a
statement to the media:



“…The decision has been made to release Mr. Flatcap and no charges will be
levelled…The state prosecutors were in agreement that Mr. Flatcap could in
no way be implicated in a fraud so complex and calculating…Mr. Flatcap, due
to the level of intelligence required to avoid the fraudsters, became caught
up in a web of deceit, becoming an unwitting mouthpiece for the originators
of the fraud. Mr. Flatcap should be held no longer. However due to the
disparaging way Mr. Flatcap has undertaken his duties whilst in the US, we
feel it would be of benefit to the citizens of the US if he was deported
back to Britain at the earliest opportunity…” Well that suited me just fine!



The next day I was whisked, courtesy of the US Government, across the
Atlantic and back to the welcoming arms of The League Managers Association.
They run a hostel for destitute managers and have a refuge to avoid managers
having to sleep rough during those periods ‘between jobs’. I arrived late
at night to be greeted by the association chairman, Mr. Barnwell. He
ushered me into a small room with bunk beds full of ex-managers hoping to
rebuild their lives. It’s an eerie place at night. Amongst the heavy
alcohol-induced snoring you here the occasional sob, a mutter here and
there, “Should have played Christmas tree, not 4-4-2”. Occasionally the
dark atmosphere will be pierced by high-pitched screams emanating from
nightmares. “Van Hoijdonk! Di Canio! Collymore!” I tried to sleep but
was so very hard.



In the morning I clambered out of the rough charcoal grey blanket, had a
shower and a bowl of soup from the kitchen. I then made my way into the
lounge room and surveyed the scene. Ex-managers sitting round tables,
watching daytime television, playing cards, and muttering to each other.
Frank Clark was in the corner, blanket on his knees, melancholically
strumming ‘While my guitar gently weeps’ to himself. Alan Ball buzzed
around the room, reminding me of the cartoon character Road Runner. Instead
of uttering “Beep beep!” he worked his way round the room screaming in
peoples faces in his inimitable manner “I won a world cup winners medal
me!”. A care assistant was leading Roy Evans calmly away from the room.
“Come on now Mr. Evans, it’s time for your morning medication. You’ll feel
a lot better after it. We promise we’ll give you nothing French to eat or
drink today.”



Quickly I found myself a spare seat. Occupying the table with me were old
friends Peter Reid, Peter Taylor, and Ron Atkinson. Reidy was still uptight
after losing the Sunderland job, only just admitted to the refuge. Clearly
the worse for drink, he reminded me of Father Jack off the TV show Father
Ted. “Drink! Drink!” he drunkenly pleaded for more alcohol. Whenever
anybody tried to placate him he became very angry. “Feck off! Feck off!
Drink! Driiiiiiink! Inchy! Quinny! Drink!” Taylor meanwhile seemed a
trifle confused, in a world of his own, staring at his lap shaking his head
and mumbling to himself. “I’m the England manager. We’re playing Italy.
I’m the Leicester manager. We’re top of the Premiership. I’m the top coach
in the country…” Big Ron however, was bullish as ever. Sun tan topped up,
but uncharacteristically wearing a beige cardigan and pair of scruffy green
chord pants he concentrated on writing something on a piece of paper.
“Situations…Hollywood balls…Food and drink for the big man…No! No! No!
All been said before…” as he hurled the screwed up paper into an overflowing
waste bin. A passing nurse told me he was working on new clichs for future
commentaries.



There’s plenty of pundits in here, you’d be surprised. Apparently a big
coach comes around at the weekend to pick them all up and drop them off
wherever they need to be. They are given a clean set of clothes and alcohol
is forcibly removed from them. The nurses tell me it’s Mark Lawrenson they
feel the sorriest for. The BBC send a chauffeur driven car to pick him up
whenever the beeb are broadcasting a match and Alan Hansen insists on
sitting at the back, pointing and cackling wickedly as Lawro shuffles out of
the refuge straight into the car.



Visiting hours are eagerly anticipated here. Friends and family
occasionally drop by and the managers feign interest when they realise who
has come to visit them. The managers eagerly await the call of their name
to the visitors room however in the hope that it’s not friends or family,
but a club chairman, who can set them back on the merry-go-round of club
management for a couple of years before heading back here. The refuge is a
bitterly realistic place. The all-knowing staff nurses watch as Joe Royle,
fully kitted out in his de-mob suit and clutching his belongings in a tatty
Spar carrier bag, bounces around the room saying cheerio to staff and
residents. The staff know that Joe will be back, a bitter man, broken by
yet more unfulfilled dreams of glory. It might be 2 years, it could be 5.
But they know he will be back again one day.



Joe came over to me to say his farewells. “The only thing I don’t
understand” he told me “was why the Ipswich fans are so against my
appointment. I can only think it’s due to my Norwich connection” Dear old
Joe, I thought. I certainly didn’t want to burst his bubble when he was in
such a state of excitement,