179 Into The Valley

Whilst Charlton's prudence with regards to players' salaries and the transfer market over recent years has to be applauded when compared to many of their debt-laden peers, it is still difficult to comprehend the thinking behind the early season sale of Mark Kinsella. Every player has his price but, even accounting for the recent dip in player valuations, Kinsella's was surely higher than £750,000?! It seems almost treacherous to question any of Alan Curbishley's decisions, but the fact is that the Addicks, without the talismanic "Super Kins", looked ill-equipped for anything other than a season long struggle against the drop in the opening weeks of the season.



Now though, with Scott Parker not only filling the void left by Kinsella, but fast developing into one of the best midfielders in the Premiership (an England call-up really should be imminent), the south-east Londoners have strung together an excellent run of results and pushed themselves up to a relatively comfortable mid-table spot. Indeed, there is even talk of securing an unlikely UEFA Cup spot.



Curbishley has a wealth of talent at his disposal, much of it homegrown, with the likes of Richard Rufus, Paul Konchesky, Jon Fortune and Kevin Lisbie all regular members of the first team in addition to Parker. The club's ability to pick up bargains on the cheap has also been paramount to the club's success, with Dean Kiely, Chris Powell and Jason Euell all playing key roles in the club's attempts to establish themselves as a long-term Premiership force.



It has long been the club's goal that should they manage to consolidate their Premiership status for a third successive season, that their future ambitions will be more than those of mere survival. To do so, it would appear that both the midfield and, in particular, the attack, will need strengthening.



In midfield, Parker, Konchesky and Claus Jensen have real quality, but the supporting cast is generally both ageing and little more than workmanlike. The pre-season signings of Robbie Mustoe and Jesper Blomqvist have done little to address this. In an attempt to address these shortcomings, Curbishley has switched between a 4:4:2 and 3:5:2 formation during the current campaign, with Luke Young and Konchesky employed as wing-backs.



Aston Villa's Hassan Kachloul has been linked as a possible new face when the transfer window opens, although it has to be doubted whether he would be prepared to take the drop in wages that such a move would entail? If there is any truth in the rumour of Konchesky being a target for Liverpool, the need for new faces is all the more acute.



The limited attacking options at Curbishley's disposal are a more pressing concern, given the burden on Jason Euell to provide the goals, with his co-strikers bringing back memories of Carl Leaburn, in being seemingly incapable of hitting the target with any more accuracy than a drunk in a public urinal.



Derby County's Lee Morris has been regularly linked with a move, although he is hardly regarded as prolific himself. Cardiff City's Robert Earnshaw has also been mentioned, but it has to be severely doubted whether Lennie Lawrence would either need to, or be willing to sell his star player, even to the club where he made his reputation as a manager? Given that there is so little between those in the upper echelons of the Premiership, the prospect of European football next season could well depend on who, if anyone, is brought in to partner Euell in January.



It would be refreshing to see a club getting the rewards they deserve. How many other clubs can boast a board of directors that keep a low profile and who have been persistently loyal to their manager (which has been well reciprocated)? A club that have stuck to their principles with regards to developing their own players and refusing to get swept up in the spending frenzy that has brought so many clubs to their knees? A club that has done more than possibly any other in forging links with its community? There won't be many who would begrudge Charlton a crack at European football next season.

178 Aussie rules

ure luck I'm sure.

ROY KEANE

Don't know what happened to this man ' If you know his whereabouts please let me know at [email protected].

'GOD BLESS HENRY'

Terror group devoted to Henry Kissinger. I read on www.squarenews.net that this group has suffered internal strife and has splintered into two separate
entities: Provisional GBH and Real GBH. Both separate groups stand for solidarity towards Henry Kissinger and promote all good things to him but both are currently staging a running battle against each other. Insiders
say the bitter divide was triggered by allegations of a rigged tombola during the GBH annual dinner dance.

SIR ALEX FERGUSON

Still moaning his way through games at Old Trafford, but since Nick Brown's arrival has been able to devote more time to his horses. He is regularly seen at places such as Ascot giving the hairdryer treatment to bemused
looking horses, and blowing spittle and gum into the faces of race stewards as he witters on about the unfair treatment his horses receive.

RONALDO

Despite almost signing for Florida, Ronaldo ended up at Real Madrid where he is doing quite well. Is being used by the Brazilian government in a joint
campaign with Pele to up the birth rate in his native Brazil. Pele is advertising viagra whilst Ronaldo has had a haircut modelling the female anatomy in the hope that males will become excited as they watch him play
and subliminally a quite different message is being transmitted.

ULRICH LEKERMAN

Fortunately I haven't run into my nemesis journalist since I departed from the USA. However in the spirit of Christmas I will tell Ulrich that I have had a message from a Mr. Lekerman, here in the UK. Get in touch Ulrich, and I'll pass on the details, as you may well have relatives over here!

JOHN OBMAR

When the news that the Florida football team had folded, tough guy Obmar became a full-time cop. Criticised for his tough-guy approach, Obmar was fined 2 weeks salary and suspended for 1 month after executing 27 illegally
parked motorists in one day. After a public outcry amid accusations that the police were becoming pinko-liberal-homosexuals, the fine and suspension were lifted, and Obmar promoted to Chief of Police.

PAUL ADAMS AND TONY MERSON

Both sponsored for extensive promotional deals with 5Bellies Florida lager, these 2 youngsters found the relentless touring and drinking too much and are both in the Betty Ford clinic as we speak. Will be released soon, and
will immediately commence a new advertising contract, with Alka-Seltzer.

FRED SHUTTLEWORTH

Poor old Fred just can't keep out of trouble. After being arrested
initially for allegedly burning down a pub (with his wife still in it) and then admitting to a series of building society heists, Fred was spotted whilst on remand on the TV show Crimewatch. He was charged with impersonating a police officer and admitted his intentions were to steal all
the unclaimed booty shown on the show, and to mug Nick Ross in the car park later. Nick admitted later he almost had a nightmare over the whole incident.

DENNIS FOOLISH AND MALCOLM GOLIATHSON

Dennis broke Malcolm's cheekbone in a hotel incident when they both played for Florida in what was thought to be a dispute over a particularly heated game of Ker-Plunk. It later transpired Dennis broke his cheek because Malcolm broke his heart'the pair were secret lovers but Malcolm had met
somebody else.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Still in the news regularly, may have started WW3 by the time you read this column.

WAYNE FONTANA

Now aged 5. Child genius, his ability spotted as it transpired he was the only living human who could explain how the American Soccer League Play-Offs
operated. Accepted into Cambridge, starts his masters degree in thermo-nuclear physics in 2003.

STEFAN EFFENBURG

Keeping a very low profile after making a small fortune as manager of Florida Worldcoms after I was unfairly sacked. Intelligence reports have surfaced on www.squarenews.net that Effenburg is capable of building his own
nuclear weapons arsenal in his back garden in Bavaria. He is a madman and not to be trusted, George W. is hoping to send his inspectors round to his house any day now.

HUGHIE RODGERS

Closet homosexual, it later transpired he was sharing a secret love nest with Malcolm Goliathson'hence the broken cheekbone'

PRINCE CHARLES

Prolific letter-writer, I last received one from him telling me to never leave the British shores again as I am an embarrassment to the nation. He also asked if I knew anybody who would like some genuine Congo cow-hide rhythm drums, Rhodesian native lint spears, and a stuffed Koala bear,
Commonwealth presents that he didn't much care for. 'Had the bally things in Loot for weeks and not a sniftah'Would you be interested in them Flatcap?' If you'd like them drop me a line and I'll pass your details onto the Prince.

RON ALDO

American waiter unwittingly caught up in the 'Ronaldo' scandal. The
pressure of becoming the worlds first $50m waiter, and the subsequent collapse of the Florida Worldcoms proved too much for Ron. He has grown pimples and can be seen working in a branch of Macdonalds in Florida.

GEORGE SATEN

CEO of Worldom, his lawyers claimed he was hit on the head by a fly baseball 5 years ago causing him to lose his memory, make stupid decisions, and be unable to add up correctly. Released a free man, he immediately sued the US
government for wrongful arrest and walked away with $1b.

Hopefully I'll have sobered up enough to update you properly next week.

Enjoy the rest of your Christmas!

Harry Flatcap

It's not as if England don't find it difficult enough to qualify for major tournament finals, but their World Cup 2006 ambitions have now been further hampered by the recent FIFA announcement that Europe will sacrifice a qualification place in favour of Oceania. Given the quality of football in Oceania, FIFA may as well have simply handed Australia a bye to the finals.



Whilst it has long been unfair on the Aussies to come through their qualifiers, before coming unstuck against the likes of Argentina or Uruguay, the new system has surely swung too far the other way? Quite why the winners, and possibly runners-up (or New Zealand as they are more commonly known) in Oceania can't go into the two final Asian qualification groups, where they would have a far more realistic opportunity of qualification than the previous system, is unclear? Could it possibly be something to do with supporting Sepp Blatter's re-election as FIFA President? The Oceania Federation, like that of Concacaf, has certainly not been disappointed in terms of their reward for backing Blatter.



No, instead the Aussies will saunter through a group consisting of teams that would struggle against a team of bed-ridden octogenarians. Either that, or the likes of Vanuatu, American Samoa, the Cook Islands and Tonga are being seriously underestimated in the FIFA rankings? Meanwhile, as goalscoring records are re-written down under, any European nation will have to overcome considerably stronger opposition if they are to join the summer shenanigans in Germany.



It's not inconceivable that an improving, though low ranked, nation like Wales (certainly comparable in ability to Australia), could find themselves in a group with perhaps Spain, Czech Republic, Bulgaria and Estonia, finish second, then face a play-off with Holland. A somewhat trickier obstacle than that of playing against teams that are about as competitive as Bernard Manning at the Olympic final of the 400M hurdles.



It's often said that there's no such thing as a safe bet, but it would be difficult to blame the Australian FA for making a few preliminary enquiries as to spending summer 2006 in Germany.

177 Harry Flatcap's review of the

A merry Christmas form Harry Flatcap! I'm so happy you found the opportunity amongst your festivities to keep up to date with my column.

I'll let you into a little secret though. Football managers are incessant drinkers and spend the whole of the Christmas period absolutely bladdered.
That's why you get freak results over the Christmas period as managers make strange drunken tactical decisions such as picking players to play who are half way through a 2 year absence with cruciate knee injuries. If you watch shows over the holiday period such as 'The Premiership' you would think the panel of experts have pulled themselves together, sobered and cleaned
themselves up, squeezed into a tight suit and are ready to offer expert analysis of the boxing day highlights. Not so. Watch carefully and you'll notice that the experts viewpoints are edited from previous shows and linked
together to look new. For example, Michael Owen will score a goal and the programme editor will splice a bit of video footage of Big Ron going 'That Michael Owen, I tell you what, he's got pace to burn that lad.' He said that in August. So keeping within the spirit of football managers
everywhere I can vouch that as you read this I'll be lying in some
gin-sodden ditch with the mother of all hangovers somewhere in a field in Blyth, Northumbria (that, strangely, is where I usually end up, even though I'm doing all my drinking these days in Merseyside. Must be those halcyon
days I spent as manager of Blyth Spartans all those years ago')

This column was therefore written at the beginning of December and may be a little out of date by the time it goes live.

Because of the lack of relevant information, and due to the fact that us football column writers need to pad out a 'between-Christmas' column to fulfil our contractual obligations (please see any 'guest writer' in any
newspaper who has a column to write over the festive period), I've decided to cobble together a 'where are they now' feature looking at all the characters who graced the pages of Harry Flatcap whilst I was working in Florida. If this was a TV show I'd be sat in a chunky sweater with a
Christmas tree to the side of me, regaling and regurgitating the series as it happened with a ''and do you remember when' smile on my face. So, chunky sweater on, Christmas tree to my left, a glass of wine in one hand, a mince pie in the other. Let's begin:

CHARLES LEPPOK

Last seen in Florida state penitentiary, awaiting fraud trials as a result of his involvement with the Worldcom collapse, upon further investigation it appeared he had conspired with the Worldcom directors to bring a string of
fictitious footballers to the Florida football club prior to my arrival, in order to justify huge sums of money disappearing from Worldcom. The following 'players' all went through the books: Ronald Iniho, Denny Lison, Garry Incha, the Irishman Robert 'Carlos and the Korean 'international' Pe
Le. Awaiting trial for his crimes.

HUW LONCHENZA

Huw was the previous manager at Florida prior to my arrival, he resigned to become a missionary and spread the word on behalf of the Church of the Latter Day Dermatologists. It is believed he may have become involved in an
ecumenical dispute with a native African tribe entitled the Wankakanus as he hasn't been seen since he went to live in New York.

MICK HARFORD

One strong tackle too many for the ex-Wimbledon hard-man resulted in
initially a sending off, a 3 match ban, but then a subsequent indictment for manslaughter as his victim failed to pull through. Currently resides on death row, Massachusetts.

TERRY HURLOCK

After leaving Florida Terry found employment as a trainer working for that mad Australian, Steve Irwin who hunts down and then tickles crocodiles. The Aussie reckons Terry is far scarier than anything he has tackled in the
Australian outback. Hurlock now lives with Steve, resembling the set up in the 'Pink Panther' movies, whereby the Aussie comes home and Hurlock pounces
on him, Kato style, when Steve least expects it. 'He keeps me on ma toes ' Bonza character!' Is how Steve refers to his new housemate.

CLINT MATTESON

Injury-prone superstar Florida centre-forward is now looking for a new club after Florida Worldcoms were dissolved by the courts due to the Worldcom scandal. I'm very keen on signing him for Liverpool when the transfer window opens in January, however I can't talk to him over the phone to negotiate with him as he his whole head turned septic having his hair
trendily blond-dyed. As soon as he can use the phone we'll talk about getting him over to Anfield.

OL' PAPA BAIRD

At the age of 92 the Florida doctor has sadly passed to the great surgery in the sky. Perhaps it was foolish of him to celebrate winning The Florida over 70's annual triathlon event by downing a whole bottle of champagne,
swallowing 2 viagra, and attempting to 'get jiggy' with the winner of the Florida ladies over 70's triathlon winner.

CLEMANTINE UNGONDU

Scarily, the big Ugandan stopper is still bombarding me with letters telling me how much he loves me and how he'd like to play for me at Liverpool. Snitching to US immigration officials about the validity of his green card
was a bit below the belt, but hopefully it will keep him occupied until Joe Royle finally signs him for Ipswich, along with every other available centre-half in the world.

NICK BROWN

I sacked him, and he had to take a job as assistant manager of Manchester United to make ends meet. United were struggling and the media were banging on about 'end of a dynasty', Brown arrives and United have won 7 out of 7. P

175 Harry Flatcap and the unlikely

Hello, and a very Christmassy welcome to the world of Harry Flatcap.



I hope you are full of festive cheer. If so, why not buy my single,
available now in all good record shops. Somebody should, because the
proceeds go to a good cause. If you don't rush out and buy "Do They Know
It's Christmas" by a whole array of superstars such as Bob Geldof, George
Michael, Kylie, Frank Clark, Alan Ball, and Sooty (to name but a few), out
of work football managers such as Peter Reid will only be able to afford
Tennents Wickid-Strength this Christmas ? And imagine what sort of state he
will be in then come January? Apparently we sold less singles than Eminem,
who is at 75 in the charts with his song 'Cleanin' Out My Closet'. This
means Eminem has sold upwards of 14 copies of his latest tune ? How can a
man (and quite frankly not a very nice one) talking about doing some spring
cleaning sell more copies than a worthwhile track such as "Do They Know its
Christmas?" To paraphrase Bob Geldof: "Give Peter Reid yer ferrrkin money!"
Hopefully will shift more copies and we'll be on Top of the Pops next week.



Selling 14 copies of our record was a considerable success though compared
to Liverpool's latest result, a stupefying 2-1 defeat at the team hitherto
known as 'rubbish' Sunderland. To watch their goalscorer dummy our defenders
(all 8 of them!) by attempting a volley shot at goal, slicing fresh air
whilst scattering our defenders like skittles as they anticipated the shot,
and then the ball plops back at his feet to slot into the net ? Well it was
pretty galling stuff.



My main concern was the fitness of the players. Under the dietary regimes
introduced by Haard Stich the players are becoming positively obese. Our
teenage scoring sensation Michael Owen set off chasing a hopeful long punt
from tenacious young midfield scally Stephen Gerrard (the type usually
referred to in the media as 'thoughtful 30 yard through ball') and I noticed
that Michael has suddenly sported a remarkable resemblance to Las Vegas era
Elvis Presley. This was a worry, particularly when Michael had to stop and
lean on the goalposts, hunched over, gasping for breath. "I'll be all right
in a minute" he gurgled "Must be a bad bratwurst I ate this lunchtime". Back
in training the following day I decided to go and have a chat with The
Kaiser, to see if we could perhaps moderate the diet. Recently the bratwurst
has been washed down with copious amounts of Bavarian lager which I believe
may not be conducive to the lifestyle of a professional footballer.



I went over to the Kaisers office and knocked on the door. I could hear him
on the phone so decided to walk in. Unfortunately for him he didn't notice
me in the room but I caught every word he said.



"Zo, Herr Fergie, zanks to my bwilliant plan, ze might of Liverpool iz
crumbling. Zoon ze evil empire Manchester United vill wule the country
again. After zat ? Ze vorld!"



I barged over to him immediately "Not so fast Haard Stich ? For you the war
is over!"


"Gotten in himmel!" he replied "Harry Flatcap!"


"So the bratwurst and beer diet was a ruse to scupper our championship
chances and you are a secret agent working on behalf of evil genius Sir
Fergie?"


"And I vould have got away with it but for your meddling, Herr Flatcap. You
may have won ze battle, but ze var is far from over."



At this point I forcibly ejected Herr Stich from the premises with his P45 and got in contact with an old friend of mine who knew would be able to get the players back into tip-top condition.



"Hello, Peter Foster?"


"Who's that?"


"Harry Flatcap."


"Christ Harry, what do you want, don't you know my phone lines probably
being bugged?"


"Well I have a bit of a problem Peter with a few overweight football
players. Remember those slimming tablets you used to sell? Wondered if you
could bag me a few so I can put them in the lads Slimfast."


"Jesus Harry, I don't deal in that s**t anymore"


"But you were doing well, look how good Sam Fox looked?"


"Harry, haven't you heard? I'm having a few problems right now. And if I
were you, I'd be ready for a few problems yourself."


"What do you mean?"


"Well, remember when you were manager of Bristol Rovers, and you were living
in that house supplied by the club to you?."



Oh god! The news then suddenly broke. Apparently my 'mate', who told me he
could sort me out for a few quid if I vacated my club house in Bristol,
actually swindled me and the club and then flogged the property to some
lawyer called Cherry. I now ask myself was it worth the £50 I earned from
the deal? Peter really applied the pressure on me, saying that if I didn't
move fast Bristol Rovers would sack me and I'd be homeless anyway, on
account of the 27 game losing run the Rovers were embarked on at that point.
Peter was right, I was indeed sacked a week later, so the £50 came in handy
as it gave me the coach fare to get to the League Managers Association
Shelter for the Sacked. However, I could well do without further
controversy, and when the Toxteth Star got hold of the story they certainly
stirred it up:



"Man United loving, Jesus slandering, John Lennon goading, people of
Merseyside hating Liverpool manager Harry Flatcap, currently embroiled in
losing streak of 3 consecutive matches, is in further trouble today as his
name was linked to the great Cherie Blair/Convicted fraudster house selling
incident?



When interviewed by the Star all Flatcap would say on the story was
'I can tell you now ? Forget about the Man United loving bit after what Mr.
Fergie has been up to with his secret agents.' The Star hasn't got a clue
what Flatcap means by that remark ? But when you consider everything he has
said recently

176 PREMIERSHIP: Fulham look like

the Star says: SACK THIS MAN BEFORE HE DOES IRREPAIRABLE
DAMAGE TO LIVERPOOL FC!"



Harsh words, and a little unfair I feel. We are still 3 points clear at the
top of the league, we are in the Champions League (thanks to me), and we've
got a really big game against our local rivals Everton at the weekend. We
need to be careful here, form book goes out of the window, frenetic
atmosphere, it's who wants it most on the day, etc, etc. I have a board
meeting to attend on Monday after the derby where we will discuss appointing
a new assistant manager, and sorting out all the problems I currently have.



In the meantime ? BUY THE RECORD! (and don’t forget you can contact me at
[email protected])



All the best,



Harry



(this was written before the Everton league game)


Although Fulham are already on 22 points they are exhibiting all the classic traits of a team in free-fall. Given that all the teams below them are fighting for their lives, it seems that Fulham may be the kind of soft touch that gets dragged into relegation dog fights, and is then eaten alive.



Fulham are in relegation trouble for five specific reasons this season.



Firstly they are playing all their games away from home. Although they may have won a legal victory today with regards to redeveloping Craven Cottage, they are still stuck in Shepherd’s Bush for the next season at least. The Fulham fans are staging some kind of stay-away protest as well given that Loftus Road isn’t near capacity most weeks.



Secondly they have had a long, and ultimately fruitless, European experience this year. By entering the Intertoto Cup Fulham were able to start the season early and as a result had some flattering early-season results. Now that fatigue is setting in they could face a wipe-out holiday season that could leave them teetering on the edge of relegation by the middle of January.



Fulham have already played 35 competitive games this season, including 16 cup games. With five defeats in the last seven games it is clear that Fulham are now suffering with the league season only half over. Fulham will play a minimum of 55 games this season (if they are instantly dumped out of the FA Cup) and a maximum of over 60.



Thirdly, Fulham will be in relegation trouble if the four main candidates for relegation West Ham, Bolton, West Brom and Sunderland continue to pick up points. Fulham are now only 8 points of the bottom and 6 points clear of relegation, but the teams that could endanger them have not had so strenuous a season. None of the other serious relegation candidates (Leeds will not go down) have played nearly as many times. West Ham have played 21 games, Bolton Wanderers only 19, West Brom 20 games and Sunderland 22.



The fourth factor is winning the wrong games. Victories against Sunderland and Bolton aside, Fulham have been playing well in the wrong matches. They have beaten Liverpool and drawn with Chelsea and Manchester United. But have lost a series of games against the Premiership middle-classes, which coupled with their European form suggests that the team is more comfortable being the underdog but gets complacent in winnable games. Losing to Birmingham, Blackburn, Aston Villa, Southampton, Everton, West Ham and West Brom is relegation form. The single goals wins over Charlton, Tottenham and Leeds are what has kept them out of the bottom three thus far, and these are the type of games that they need to focus on.



Finally an expensive and misfiring forward line means that there may not be funds to rectify the situation when the fabled transfer window opens in January. 46 goals in all competitions, but barely a goal a game in the premiership. A squad that also does not know whether the manager is staying or going may have trouble attracting the best players.



Two wins and 8 points in the last 11 league games is relegation form, unless Fulham find some fresh legs they may not be playing top division football at their new Craven Cottage. Fulham are 15/2 to be relegated tonight. Good odds.

174 How can Liverpool turn it arou

o were less fortunate than me. The single was released within
the week, and with sufficient airplay we hope to top the charts and raise
money for these sad individuals. Here’s how the song pans out, with the
vocalist of each line listed:



Paul Young: It's Christmas time


Frank Clark: It is time to be afraid


Tony Hadley: At Christmas time


Peter Reid: You slide down the league and championship hopes fade


Glen Gregory: And in our world of plenty


Mick McCarthy: Chairman and fans can spread a smile of joy


Boy George: Throw your arms around your manager


Ron Atkinson: At Christmas time


Kim Wilde: But say a prayer


George Graham: Pray for the failed ones


Simon Le Bon: At Christmas time it's hard


Mark Lawrenson: When you're on the dole


Roger De Coursey/Nookie Bear: There's a world outside the hostel window


Graeme Sharp: And it's a world of dread and fear


Sting: There isn’t a decent game flowing


Alvin Martin: Just the bitter sting of tears


Bono: And the Christmas songs you sing


Alan Ball: Your ‘Ball out!’ chants of doom


Frank Sidebottom: Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you


All: Feed the managers


All: Let them know it's Christmas time


All: Feed the managers


All: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?


George Michael: And there won't be bungs for these managers


George Burley: This Christmas time


Keith Harris/Orville:The greatest gift they'll get this year is a spot on
local radio


Dave Watson: Where no ‘planning for the future’ grows


Sooty:


Prince: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?


All: Feed the managers


All: Let them know it's Christmas time


All: Feed the managers


All: Let them know it's Christmas time again


Phil Neal/Craig David: (Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone


Malcolm Macdonald/Kylie: (Here's to them) at the bottom the supporters pile
pressure on


All: Do they know it's Christmas time at all?


All: Feed the managers


All: Let them know it's Christmas time



Good stuff eh? We had a jolly good time making the video as well. Sting
brought some camomile vegetarian canopies for us all to eat and we got along
like a house on fire.



It certainly helped me forget my troubles as we’ve hit a rather sticky run
of form recently. I blame it all on the fans naturally, with their Flatcap
abuse creating a nasty atmosphere, though I can’t help noticing that the
players, under the dietary supervision of my assistant manager Haard Stich,
all appear to have gained a few pounds and look rather sluggish of late.
Perhaps the bratwurst diet isn’t working, we’ll have to review that.



Sadly
our Worthington Cup days are over, as Joe Royles team of 10 centre halves
managed to defend for 89 minutes and 59 seconds, their goal being a bullet
header from the one corner they had all match. Then we played Charlton, and
the atmosphere was awful, not only were Liverpool fans booing me but
Charlton fans because I suggested their nickname was ‘the addicts’ in last
weeks column. I sincerely apologise for this oversight, I have now realised
that my source for this information, my ‘Saint and Greavise bumper book of
football frolics 1986 annual’, was actually a ‘joke book’. However the
damage had been done and in a cauldron of hate we escaped with a 2-0 defeat
and our lives intact. Then last night we travelled to the mighty Real Madrid
in the Champions League where we had one of our bad days, still I feel the
8-0 reversal was a little harsh.



The good news is we are clear in the league, still going strong, and may
even have a number 1 hit single by Christmas. If you’d like to discuss the
ongoing Lennonscallymanugate issue (as the Toxteth Star are now referring to
it as) then please contact me at [email protected]



Peace and goodwill to all.



Harry Flatcap


Liverpool are in the middle of their worst run for 19 years (or since time began for many people in this now, now, now world). Houllier’s career now stands on a knife-edge. Gerard Houllier and the troops have been telling anyone who would listen that the bad run was over, but it is now threatening the entire season of a club that many people thought had the title in the bag just 6 weeks ago. With the Merseyside derby less than a week away we assess the situation.



A strong rumour is running through the city of Liverpool to the effect that Martin O’Neil has agreed to take over next season and Gerard Houllier will move upstairs. Moving upstairs is a footballing euphemism that covers the situation when a manager is too well loved to be sacked – but has become a bit embarrassing. He might ‘join the board’, get an ‘ambassadorial role’ or become ‘director of football’. In the past he might have ‘gone back to the boot room’ or like Matt Busby he might have been ‘given the club shop’. Moving upstairs suggests that you are really as welcome as your Uncle Norman who comes to your house at Christmas, swears, farts, gets drunk and makes lewd suggestions about TV personalities sexual proclivities. But most managers accept the extended employment without thinking too long about their ego.



Liverpool are highly unlikely to sack Gerard Houllier, despite his mad eyes and team tactics. But derby day offers a chance for Liverpool to kick-start the mid-part of their season. And regardless of the result a good manager will get a positive from the result and use it to motivate and move the team forward.



By thrashing Everton, Liverpool can still the many demons that are threatening their season, give their fans something to grasp onto and recover lost ground in championship race. Goals change games, and start runs, and by hitting the net a few times confidence will flood back and Liverpool can get the festive season off to a flyer. Beating Arsenal will then put them in the shake-up and early season jitters will be forgotten.



Heavy defeat can be used to motivate the team, in the same way that Ferguson kidded his players after the heavy defeat to Manchester City. Suggestions that long-term rebuilding was in order and that the players are in a comfort zone worked wonders at Manchester United, could Houllier work the same trick at Anfield?



The most likely result is a draw or a narrow win or defeat, but form goes out of the window on these days and new stars can be made. Is it time for Wayne Rooney to push on and become England’s present rather than the future. Expect Henchoz to see if Rooney can fly by giving him an early kick, because the last thing a square, slow back four needs is an embryonic Michael Owen bearing down on them. In avoiding defeat Liverpool may get a psychological boost akin to a cup final win, because in the current run they need something, anything to cling onto.



This is Gerard Houllier’s ‘worst month of my career’. He needs to start picking up points or he will find his reputation tarnished and his job endangered. After four years he needs to make a serious championship challenge because he is unlikely to be given much more to spend unless he does. Time may be running out for a man whose health problems mean that he may not want to go on for more than 2 or 3 years in any event – and resignation cannot be ruled out for such a proud man.



Derby day looms and those 90 minutes may define Houllier’s entire career. Will Houllier be remembered as a Bill Shankly, rebuilding and shaping a new force. Or will he be remembered as a Ron Atkinson, good for a cup run and the big games, but found wanting over a full season. Just 90 minutes may give the answers.

173 Harry Flatcap, does he know it

Hello, good afternoon, and thank you for reading the latest procrastinations
from the manager of Liverpool FC, Harry Flatcap.



It hasn’t been a good week. It appears that all and sundry were offended by
my column last week, when I stated I would be bigger than John Lennon once I
win the league this season. The local media has been bombarded by local
lunatics writing to newspapers, and phoning radio stations decrying my view,
asking how could I dare make such a comparison? Probably Everton fans
trying to disrupt our unfailing progress. This was exacerbated by local
church leaders who picked up on the fact that Lennon originally claimed to
be bigger than Jesus, hence I was claiming to be bigger than the great man,
at least by May when the league championship was wrapped up. True, I accept
that I may have spoken during a moment of giddy excitement when I made me
proclamation, but I feel the people of Liverpool (except the Everton fans)
will owe me an enormous debt of gratitude if I steer the first title to
Merseyside since 1991. And the advantage my team has over the great
Liverpool championship winning sides of the past is that none of my players
have moustaches that make them look like they are auditioning for the
Village People.



I certainly blame the newspapers and the radio stations for whipping up the
story into a media frenzy. As a consequence hoards of mad scousers have
been abusing me in the street, shouting at me, and generally giving me a
hard time due to my discussions about scallies last week. I’ve now had to
leave my Toxteth abode as I’ve had just about every nasty substance known to
man shoved through my letter box and sackloads of abusive letters were
ruined by the nasty contents spilling onto my hall floor every morning. The
letters page of the ‘Toxteth Star’ was bulging with letters such as this one
from a Mr. G. Marsden, Huyton’:



Dear editor



I’ve lived in Liverpool all my life and I was born here, 85 years ago. What
right does that Harry Flatcap think he has to slag off us Liverpublians?
I’m 85, and all my life I’ve only known a good honest bunch of people with
hearts of gold and a joke and a smile for everyone. Except Man United fans.
How dare he write the article he did last week about how he liked them?
Never in my 85 years have I met a Liverpublian who has the time of day for
them. I say he should resign now. Whilst writing in I’d like to ask when
are the local council going to get anything right? I’m 85 years old and
everything is getting worse, it isn’t like it was in the good old days when
I was born, 85 years ago.



Yours, Name and Address Supplied, Huyton.



And so it went on. My most pressing problem is to find new accommodation,
as presently I’m having to sleep in my office at the stadium. This is a
strange and spooky place to be at night, you definitely feel a a slight
chill and an aura bristling about the place. To back up this feeling the
ghost of Bill Shankly came visiting me the other evening. He suddenly
appeared peering over me as I lay on the office sofa, a bright light
illuminating his unmistakable craggy features. He beckoned for me to sit up
and he sat beside me, that familiar rasping brogue unmistakable.



“Flatcap laddie, you’ve got a lot of problems haven’t ye?”


“Oh, nothing I can’t handle Bill”


“But Harry, yer the manager o’ Liverpool, and the people of Liverpool hate
yer!”


“I’ll survive”


“Yer not Gloria Gaynor laddie. Yer need to work hard here. Win the people
over.”


“How do I do that?”


“Get the team playin’ football and keep yer mouth shut. Keep yer feelins to
yerself. Stop writing yer daft weekly columns. Yer’ll learn laddie.”


“I’ll see what I can do”


I didn’t tell Bill how I financially benefit from
writing this column and that it would be financially impractical to cease
doing this.


“Yer need to learn from yer mistakes and make amends for the future. I’m
going to help you here tonight son.”


“Are you going to whisk me back in time showing me sad images from the past
and my future.”


“Laddie – Do you know who I am? I’m Bill Shankly, not the ghost o’
Christmas past. No, I’m going to leave you with a thought. Think of how
precious this job is. Managing Liverpool is the greatest job you’ll ever
have. You need to honour the commitment. Think of all those managers who
are not working right now. Peter Reid. Bryan Robson. Mick McCarthy.
Think of the gift of management you have this Christmas…”


... and the image of
Bill Shankly slowly faded from the room.



At that stage the Chairman interrupted me.


“Er, Harry?”


he nervously coughed at me from the door frame


“are you OK?”


“I’m fine Mr. Chairman, I feel, er, spiritually lifted”


I noticed his glance down to the side of the sofa where two empty bottles of vodka lay empty on
the floor.”


“I, er, can see that Harry. You appeared to be talking to er, yourself?”


“No! It was Shanks – Didn’t you see him? Oh Mr. Chairman, he’s helped me
see the error of my ways [except for the bit about doing lucrative weekly
columns]”


“Harry, if you need to take a bit of time off, perhaps leave the country
then we can arrange…”


“No! I know exactly what I need to do!”



I woke up that morning with a fresh sense of purpose. I knew what I had to
do. I contacted two old pop star friends of mine, Midge Ure and Bob Geldof.
Midge and Bob rounded up further showbiz star mates whilst I sent a minibus
down to the League Managers Association hostel for the unemployed and had
the clientele drive to a recording studio in London. It was an amazing day,
but by the end of it we had recorded a song designed to help the out of work
managers wh

172 Peter Kenyon just doesn’t unde

in the pubs before kick off, have a few pints together, have a good old singsong before getting behind your team at Anfield. Song is always something clearly associated with this City, because of the Beatles, but I must admit I cast enviable glances
across to Manchester, as Herman's Hermits, are, in my opinion, the best
band ever. Manchester also has the best television presenter ? I've always admired the quiet friendliness of Terry Christian, he is the consummate professional and always an entertaining watch. And don't forget the City gave us Coronation Street! So raise your glasses to the good people (though you probably won't meet too many actually from) Manchester and pass on your good wishes tomorrow."



I was rather disappointed with the abuse I received arriving at Anfield on Sunday, as a result of this newspaper article, from Liverpool supporters. I won't print any of it here as children read this column. Let's just say I was covered in enough spittle to make me look like Roy Hattersley at the conclusion of a particularly long political speech. Bearing in mind the shambles I inherited when I took over, and how I've steadied the ship I think this is harsh.



I will therefore make a proclamation to the people of Liverpool. I'm
going to win the league this season, and when this happens, I WILL BE
BIGGER THAN JOHN LENNON. Who was, if you believe him, bigger than Christ.



Personally I had no time for a bloke who looked like a hippy, parroted on about peace and then proceeded to bitch about everyone who came into contact with him, and spent his days lying in bed, being photographed naked with a mad oriental lady and taking recreational drugs all day long (John Lennon that is, not Jesus). What sort of an example of that? I'll tell you what it is? Look around Liverpool today, there are young people with non-sensible hair, who go under the title of
'scally', who don't work, laze in bed until the middle of the afternoon, take drugs, and get into plenty of mischief. Admittedly they don't parade naked with Asian ladies (at least I don't think so? I've seen no evidence to support the argument that they do), but I believe there is one person the sane people of Liverpool can blame for this malaise? John Lennon. He has corrupted the youth of this city for 40 years, and still his influence hangs in the air here. I was glad he didn't win the national poll to be named as the 'Greatest Britain' as I suspect that would be the whole bloody country going to the dogs.



Anyway on to the United game, and as you know, things were looking hairy when their hairy one put Man U 2-0 up. Here is where a manager like me can earn his corn. I instructed young golden boy Michael Owen, 17, to start kicking lumps out of everyone, as the referee would think him too much of a nice boy to be doing that sort of thing.



It worked a treat: Gary Neville stretchered off, his brother came on and in a moment of retribution aimed a kick at Michael, missed, ended up kicking Wes Brown by mistake. Result? Both stretchered off. On came David May, he slipped on the touchline paint as he trotted onto the pitch,
breaking his neck, back, and both arms and legs in the process. Fergie was now left with one defender, John O'Shea, who was doing OK and helping to contain Liverpool on his own until Fergie substituted him, bringing on Veron in his place. This was the breakthrough we needed and boy wonders Stevie Gerrard and Michael Owen both scored before big Sam Hyppia scored a rather bizarre winner in injury time. Completing one of his trademark big defensive hoofs upfield for the strikers to chase, he overhit it and the ball travelled 50 yards and landed in the back of an unguarded net. Barthez had characteristically ventured too far away from his goal and was sat sharing a cup of tea with a kindly old lady with a thermos flask who sits at the front of the Kop when the ball landed in the goal. He looked angrily around to remonstrate with his defenders but suddenly remembered there weren't any, so he stood around looking characteristically confused.



After the game Fergie defended his decision to make the unfathomable switch of O'Shea for Veron by telling the TV commentator "Look, I don't have to F**kin' answer that. You're a f**kin' idiot. And by the way, Old Trafford? Yer barred mate!"



So we're still well clear at the top of the league!



Two big games this week, firstly we play Ipswich in the Worthington Cup, and a chance for me to meet up with my old mate, Joe Royle. This could be a world record match with the number of centre-halves selected to play in any one game! Then we get to play the Addicts of Charlton at the weekend in the league. I'm told that they are nicknamed the Addicts because the town of Charlton has more heroin users per person than anywhere else in the world. Or so it says in my 'Saint and Greavise bumper book of football frolics 1986 annual'.



Don't forget that you can e-mail me on [email protected]



Get behind the lads, I feel glory is not far away!



Regards



Harry Flatcap


Peter Kenyon believes that English football cannot support more than 40 professional clubs. He means financially of course, because his viewpoint is dominated by his job at Manchester United. What he doesn’t understand is that English football hasn’t been able to afford to financially support more than 40 clubs for the past 50 years – but has managed to lose just four professional clubs out of more than 100. This contradiction is, however, explainable.



Football clubs never have enough money. Once you start with that one fact everything else is easy to explain. Most football clubs operate hand-to-mouth, they always have. Examples of local businessmen ‘saving’ clubs have long been the fodder of local newspapers. But having insufficient money isn’t the same as going bust. Most Mercedes driving farmers complain about how much money they have – but relatively few farmers live on the bread line.



Apart from Manchester United it is doubtful whether any club in the world makes enough money to justify anything other than an emotional stake in a football club. But people have always supported their team.



The Yorkshire mayor buying his local club to save it from bankruptcy is a great clich. But as Paul Weller once put it, ‘it’s only a clich because it’s true’. On 4 December, Peter Doyle, the Barnsley mayor bought his local club. He hasn’t done it because he wants to make money, he’s done it because he can’t bear to see his local club go under. This is the reality for most football clubs. There is so much civic pride invested in them that someone is bound to have the money and the ego necessary to believe they can make it work.



Thirty-odd years ago a local butcher bought Manchester United. So financial pre-eminence may be a generation to generation thing. There is no guarantee that Manchester United won’t fall on hard times, and if they do a league structure may be a nice comfort blanket. Fifty years ago the Manchester United management weren’t so proud as to refuse the proceeds from impromptu fund raising by the fans when they passed a blanket around the terracing.



The PFA say that players wages are not crippling football clubs but bad management. The truth lies somewhere in between. Players want as much as they can get and football clubs want the best players they can afford (and occasionally the best players they can’t afford). As a result first division clubs are reportedly paying wages that represent 101% of their turnover.



Football clubs will always be short of money, but that’s a long way from going bust. Given time to adjust the vast majority of professional clubs in the football league (plus the eight or nine full-time sides in the Vauxhall Conference) will survive, very much as they have done since the league was expanded in the early part of the 20th century. This is a difficult time for football clubs in the wake of the ITV Digital collapse. But time will save most clubs. They will continue to lurch from crisis to takeover and back again, but this is the essence of ‘below stairs’ football politics. It may not be for the purist but it works.

171 Harry Flatcap is bigger than J

Hello again, and welcome to the lofty heights of 1st place in the
Premiership.



I write this (Monday 2nd December) with a slightly groggy head as we
celebrated our victory over the old enemy Man United yesterday.



Sure, things did look decidedly iffy for a good few minutes after our goaly Jerzy Dudek committed a rather bizarre error, gifting long haired fop Diego Forlan a silly goal when the ball squirmed away from his body towards the man who if in my team would be told get your hair cut and then I'll pick you (just ask Patrick Berger!). When giving Jerzy what I believe is now known as the 'hairdryer' treatment after the game the lad had the temerity to turn around and blame me for the error. Jerzy alleges that prior to the game, in the changing room, after I'd given my motivational speech to fire the lads up ("Get stuck into them! Work hard! Want it! C'monnnnnnnnn!") I had my pre-match pie when I
noticed a particularly greasy spillage oozing from the crust dribbling to the floor. It made me think about the current ecological disaster happening on the north-eastern coast of Spain, the effect to marine and biological life in and close to the sea, the catastrophe that would blight the local community in so many ways for years to come, and made a mental note to book my holidays next year well away from the area.



Back to the task in hand, I was concerned somebody would slip on the grease patch and do themselves an injury so I acted quickly and found a rag of some description to mop the pie grease up off the floor. Unfortunately it would appear this was Jerzys shirt, and this caused the ball to squirm away from him for the opening goal.



After the game I publicly supported Jerzy like a good manager should do. I told the media what a great servant he had been for Liverpool (for the past year and a bit), and we would stand by him despite this most embarrassing goal. Privately of course I was seething with him ? He's been dropped, transfer listed, told to train with the reserves, and has been put in charge of the bacon butty round at the training ground which gives me the opportunity to goad him every morning with the tease "Careful you don't drop those now Jerzy!"



Speaking of bacon butties brings me nicely onto the progress my new
Assistant manager Haard 'The Kaiser' Stich is making around the place. I'm fully aware that continental thinking has improved the game endlessly over here, and one such concession made by clubs is to embrace foreign eating habits. Therefore The Kaiser has eliminated bacon butties as of this week? Now we have bratwurst hot dogs for our elevenses.



The other key area I wanted the Kaiser to assist me with is scouting, and already he's made his first significant discovery, as he found out what obscure hour of the day ITV transmit the Nationwide football highlights, giving me an edge on my premiership rivals as I can see the cream of young Nationwide talent before Fergie, Sir Bob, Arsey Wenger and the rest get hold of it. I've already been impressed by a number of young lads eagerly waiting to be spotted such as the boy Merson at Portsmouth. With the correct coaching he could play at a higher level. The little boy Wise at Millwall, if he grows a bit, is one to watch, whilst the enthusiasm his team-mate Claridge displays makes him another
one to keep a close eye on. However it is Wolves that wake me up at nights as their exciting young side is laden with possibilities? There are just so many exhilarating lads there, it must be like a conveyer belt of talent! The Kaiser keeps wittering on about Nottingham Forest, but I can't see the attraction there! Meanwhile, I apologise for not revealing the exact day and time the Nationwide games are broadcast, but I need to keep it a trade secret because you never know who may be reading this column!



The Kaiser helped me prepare for the Borussia Dortmund champions league
game, though I felt his info about his countrymen was completely cack! His analysis that the Germans would be of Teutonic stature, organised, disciplined, but without style or flair was a little stereotypical I felt, so I gave him a bit of a hard time about this rather lazily constructed report. I told him that things change, the Borussia team now has Brazilians in it, and everybody knows the Brazilians are laid back, a bit lethargic, but play with flair. So I was a little aggrieved to find out we were up against a disciplined and well
organised team that played without flair. Indeed the local paper passed comment saying that Liverpool also played without flair, but that is where the comparison ended. A 4-0 defeat was a great disappointment, but its early days in the champions league. It's not good to lose your home games in that manner though, I accept, and we'll make sure that we exact revenge come the return match back in Germany.



And so we welcomed our visitors to Liverpool, Manchester United, for our next league game 3 days later. Whilst I stated in my column last week that I had won the mind games over Fergie, I then set about welcoming the loyal United fans, the majority of whom travel hundreds of miles every week for the opportunity to watch a decent football team as opposed to the rubbish served on their doorstep.



You have to applaud people who want to watch a decent team so much that
they are prepared to travel such great lengths to see it. A piece I had written appeared in the local paper the night before the game, which ran along the lines below:



"I know you Liverpublians look forward to re-acquainting yourselves with the United fans every season as it is a love that runs deep. With the 2 cities just 30 miles apart I'm sure there is always bonhomie when you all get together. After all, the 2 cities are so similar in historical background the culture of both sets of fans is bound to be the same. You'll meet up

170 The fax of life

Right, so that's the fixed odds betting coupon, bottle of beer and sundry nibbles in place. Slump on the sofa, tune into Radio 5 Live, turn on the TV (with mute), hit "Teletext" on the remote and hit page 307. That's everything set for almost two hours of pure joy! Recreational slumming taken to the ultimate level for the football anorak of today.



I can't recall how it all began (probably as a result of an erroneous channel change on the remote?), but Ceefax has long become something of a raison d'etre, and life without it is now simply far too traumatic to contemplate. It might sound ridiculous, but I can honestly claim that the discovery of Text has been life-changing. Getting up in the morning is no longer the problem it once was - how can it be when Ceefax could have breaking news of a possible imminent transfer? Breakfast, dressing and morning ablutions can all be put off until the various TV teletext services have all been comprehensively checked for every last nugget of news.



When Gary Lineker made his one famous quip that the best way to watch Wimbledon was on Ceefax, most regarded it as a cheap gag at the Crazy Gang's expense. Personally, I regarded it as a perfectly valid point, although I'd strongly suggest that it's better to watch any team on Ceefax than on TV or live in the flesh. There have been numerous occasions when I've found myself at a game, only for my mind to wander back to how much more enjoyable it would be to be sitting in comfort at home with all the day's scores being regularly updated on the box. I've been in meetings where the urge to turn on the TV in the corner, just to see if there is any news about the Welsh Under-21 squad for their forthcoming friendly, has reached a worrying intensity. Pubs have been frequented for no other reason, other than I know that the landlord will permit me to check the results on page 313 on a day of international matches.



Then there's the worrying childish attempt in trying to discover who has scored via text before hearing the details on the radio. Once Alan Green declares that, "there's been a goal at Goodison Park and we'll be going there after this corner", the race to get to page 303 before he hands over to Stuart Hall is one that simply must be won! I know that the feeling of smug satisfaction that comes from discovering that Tomas Radzinski has scored anything up to five seconds before those reliant on the radio is wrong, not to mention utterly pointless, but it's something that petty male competitiveness is unable to resist.



Finding myself creeping downstairs at 2:15 in the morning for a quick update - just in case Grimsby Town have signed that left-back they were linked with, or the result of that vital Monday night clash between Uniao Leiria and Guimaraes has come in from Portugal yet - brings home the realisation that things might be becoming a tad unhealthy. Thankfully, I think that my wife is convinced that such late night meanders are as a result of my desire to catch the latest Shannon Tweed offering on Channel 5? That said, she did seem somewhat concerned at my attempts to explain the merits of Ceefax, through a combination of woefully limited Spanish and exaggerated hand signals, to my Mexican brother-in-law within the first 30 minutes of his setting foot on English soil. I'm not sure my explanation was all it could have been, as he seemed to regard it as just another typically English eccentricity, alongside warm beer and getting hammered by the Aussies at cricket?



Whilst the internet provides a comprehensive wealth of information, I still find myself using Text as my first port of call for information. There's just something more comforting and trustworthy about accessing information through the TV, and it meets all the required criteria for the modern day attention span. Then again, it might also be that accessing anything via the web can still be an infuriating pain in the proverbial?!



There are areas in which the BBC, ITV, Sky and Channel 5 could all improve the service. Giving regional team news is all very well, but living in the south-east, I often have a yearning to know of the goings-on at Lincoln City or Torquay United. The results' service for international football could do with being more comprehensive too, and match reports from the some of the more high profile overseas games would be a nice added bonus. Sod the RSI, the more pages the better!



It's truly frightening to think how much of my life has been spent idly flicking between Text pages. I appreciate that my behaviour is compulsive and that I have an addiction that really isn't right, but ....oh, look at that! Bristol Rovers have signed Bradley Allen!

169 PREMIERSHIP: How far will Ever

A late defeat at Newcastle may have stopped Everton from getting into second place, but the upward momentum of this side is there for all to see. This is largely the same dispirited team that Walter Smith may well have taken into the first division but for some bravery from the Everton board.



From the bones that were available, considering the well-documented cash problems at Goodison, Moyes has crafted a good side.



Richard Wright has recovered from his early season nerves and looks an England candidate again. When David Seaman hangs up his ponytail Wright may well have stiff competition from Robinson and Kirkland, as a new generation replaces the older Seaman, Nigel Martyn and David James.



The defence is now rock solid. With over eight hours passing between Freddy Ljungberg scoring for Arsenal and Alan Shearer's rocket for Newcastle. The emergence of Yobo and Weir as a partnership is very important, but suddenly Everton appear to have defensive options. With David Unsworth, Tony Hibbert, Alan Stubbs and Gary Naysmith (when fit) fighting to get into the team.



Much of the credit for the excellent defensive record must go to the midfield. Most teams are defined by their midfields, because they support the forwards and protect the defenders. The Everton midfield is very hard working but lacking in creativity. It's clear that David Moyes agrees with Gerard Houllier in how a team should play. Li Tie, Mark Pembridge, Lee Carsley and Thomas Graveson are all battlers, but aren't subtle. But they have built a platform that means that a team that is very much mid-table in scoring terms (10th) is able to challenge for a European spot. The midfield is Everton’s weak spot. Niclas Alexandersson no longer looks good enough and there are precious few reserves to come through.



The other main problem Everton faces is in terms of goals. Despite boasting a decent forward line Everton don't score many goals. Radzinski is a constant threat with his movement and aggression; he unsettles defences and creates opportunities for others. He ran Arsenal ragged and Wayne Rooney benefited because the Arsenal defence gave him time to look up and shoot, which may not have been there, if they hadn't been blunted by Radzinski's tireless running. Rooney is raw and willing, but he is not old enough or experienced enough to lead a Premiership forward line for 90 minutes. David Moyes has been very canny in using him largely as a late arriving substitute. Many players look better when they are fresher than the players they are facing, and for the moment, gifted as he is, Rooney needs that edge.



Kevin Campbell is in his final season or two in the top flight. He has been playing a long time since his breakthrough with the Arsenal team at the end of the 1980's. Always appears quicker than he is, he is a tough customer but is limited. Now that Joe Max Moore has not had his work permit renewed more emphasis must fall on Duncan Ferguson’s recovery. Will he ever be the player he was in his first spell at Everton? Under Joe Royle he was a big powerful goalscorer. But injuries and lifestyle have taken their toll and Moyes would probably offload him if he could.



David Moyes is clearly a talented manager, but if Everton does not find the finances to back him he may well leave when one of the big money teams comes calling. Given that Arsenal, Manchester United and Liverpool will probably all change their manager’s over the next two years (now there’s a prediction!) Everton probably have this time to properly back Moyes. Perhaps now is the time to abandon Kings Dock, force Liverpool to share a new joint stadium in Stanley Park and use the money saved to build a new Championship winning side.



Everton are the only club in world football to have managed 100 years in their domestic top division. The least that this grand old club deserves is that, now that they have found a manager who may match the fans ambitions, the manager is given the money to push the club forward. If Everton wait and Moyes is snatched from them then a truly historic moment may be lost.

168 Rent boys

With only a handful of Nationwide league clubs currently in a position to pay transfer fees, economic reality has dictated that the rest have had to increasingly rely on introducing their youth team players to first team football or signing out of contract players on short-term contracts. The other option, and one that is being increasingly exploited, is to sign players on loan deals.



The latter have now become such a major factor, that any club looking to appoint a new manager would be wise to check the contact list of the prospective candidates well before the interview stage.



A prime example is Coventry City, where Gary McAllister seems to have spent the opening months of the season trawling through his address book to try and secure additional players for a promotion push. At present, he has Richie Partridge (Liverpool), Gary Caldwell (Newcastle United), Craig Hignett (Blackburn Rovers), Jamie McMaster (Leeds United - who are apparently attempting to have a player on loan at every Nationwide league club before the end of the season), Dean Holdsworth (Bolton Wanderers) and Ben Williams (Manchester United). In addition, Brian Kerr has just returned to Newcastle United after a month's loan at Highfield Road.



Whilst McAllister must be commended for his ability to strengthen the squad at his disposal, it does seem a little strange that he can currently call upon up to six players who are not actually under contract with the club? Good luck to Coventry, but it does call the spirit of the game into question when players are brought in on loan deals, even though finances dictate that there is no chance of a permanent deal materialising.



The Sky Blues are certainly not alone, with Grimsby Town and Bradford City, two typically hard-up clubs, certainly among those using the system to maximum effect. Things are such, that there seems to be barely a club in the Nationwide that isn't fielding at least one loan player.



Premiership clubs who send out their players benefit both in terms of reducing their wage bills and in having their young players gain experience at first team level. The worry, as clubs increasingly cut-back on the size of their squads, is that we are going down the road where Nationwide league clubs could soon become little more than nurseries for the Premiership. With Premiership chairmen seeking, and seemingly gaining, ever increasing powers in the game, there has to be a possibility that the current trend will eventually lead to the likes of, say, Leeds using Bradford or York City as a feeder club, Liverpool doing likewise with Crewe Alexandra, or Arsenal with Brentford.



It's been speculated that this might have happened previously, but there is a distinct feeling that the current climate is condusive to such moves.

167 PREMIERSHIP: Time for a change

As Alex Ferguson's inability to accept any form of criticism reaches ever increasing levels of paranoia - it can only be a matter of time before some poor journalist or fan is marched out of Old Trafford by security for upsetting Fergie and "dealt with" in a manner traditionally favoured by Saddam Hussein in the Iraqi parliament - there are signs that the search for his successor might be reaching a new level of urgency.



The current United team is desperately in need of reinforcements in a number of areas, as Ferguson has now admitted himself, and there are increasing signs that the infamous siege mentality he has built up over the years at Old Trafford is no longer the benefit it once was. The belief is growing that the club is in major need of fresh impetus. The question is whether Angry Alex should be permitted to oversee the transition, or if a new man should be installed to start from scratch?



The good news for the Old Trafford faithful (and not so faithful), is that there are now a number of quality British-based candidates who would appear to have the requisite credentials to replace the red-nosed ranter.



Sven-Goran Eriksson - Rumours that he came close to succeeding Ferguson when the Scot originally announced his plans to retire seem to have more than an element of truth about them. Subsequent questions over his selections, tactics and formations with England, in addition to his unlikely dalliance with Ulrika Jonsson, have certainly made him a less attractive proposition than he once was.



Martin O'Neill - Has been successful throughout his managerial career, from Wycombe Wanderers to Leicester City to Celtic. Must surely be frustrated at the lack of competition in Scotland and the consequent failings of the club in making an impact in the Champions League, so a move in the near future must be a distinct possibility? Probably the best option in terms of the temperament required for the job, but would he be prepared to adapt his favoured style of play to meet United's expectations?



David Moyes - Excellent work at Preston North End was rewarded with a move to Everton, where he has turned a desperately poor side into one that exudes confidence. Possibly lacks the top level experience for the United boardroom to take what they would regard to be a gamble on him at this stage. Could also be in the running to eventually succeed O'Neill at Celtic, where he began his playing career, or possibly as a future Scotland boss (assuming the national side pick up from their current standing).



Steve Bruce - Given his track record with regards to loyalty, Bruce is the least likely of the contenders to think twice about any job offer. Difficult to judge his credentials in that he has yet to stick with any job for any meaningful length of time, although he is doing as well as can be expected during his current stint at St. Andrews.



Mark Hughes - Old Trafford legend who has taken to intermational management like a duck to orange sauce, developing excellent self-belief and morale among players and fans at the same time. Would be a popular choice among many, but a lack of club management experience will surely count against him when it comes to the top job in the Premiership?



Steve McClaren - The one contender with coaching experience at Old Trafford. Well respected during his time coaching England and has proved relatively successful at Middlesbrough, although it should be noted that he has had the funds to support him at a time when most managers are having to count the pennies. Besides, looking good in comparison to the hapless Bryan Robson is something that a half-witted urang-utang could have done.



Gordon Strachan - Fiery Scot in the Ferguson mould, but with an honesty and sense of humour sadly lacking in his former boss. Relegation with Coventry City is a major black mark on hic CV. Has done well on a limited budget at Southampton, but would probably considered too outspoken by those at the helm of the Old Trafford hierachy. Could well have a future across the Pennines at Elland Road if the current rumours are to be believed?

166 Turkish Delight

n my book.



However I’m not going to pay Fergie too many compliments as our game with
United is looming on the horizon and I know that means I have to engage in a
spot of ‘mind games’ with the Manchester United tactician. I know through
years of experience how this works, you just bleat and moan about everything
in site which guarantees your rival manager will be adequately peeved,
hindering him in preparing his players for the big match. So, in order to
kick-start the mind games I committed the following quotation to the media:



“I hope the referee will be strong in the United game. I hope he doesn’t
start to pay attention to Fergies stopwatch and concentrates on is own. I
hope he doesn’t listen to the whining of Gary Neville and allow this to
predetermine his decision making. I hope he spots the fact that Ruud Van
Nistelroy seems incapable to stand up in the opposition’s penalty area and
doesn’t immediately assume a penalty must be awarded. I hope he doesn’t
concentrate on Beckham’s nice hair and forgets that on occasion he will
commit fouls and elbow opponents. I hope he won’t be dazzled by the sheer
awfulness of Phil Neville and forget to keep up with play. If the ref
ensures all this doesn’t happen we may get a fair game out there.”
Apparently this incited Fergie to commence mind-games of his own, however
the newspapers failed to print any of his ranting as apparently he was so
wound up by my quote that he was unable to string any words together without
throwing an obscenity between every syllable. So I win the mind games – Now
onto the real thing!



Before that though, we start our Champions League campaign with a match
against Borussia Dortmund. Remember the Pool were tumbling out of the
Champions League under Mr. Houllier so it is already a result for us to be
in the 2nd phase. It is also a chance for the Kaiser to put one over his
countrymen in his first game as number 2! So hopefully we will be marching
through Europe and onwards to the latter stages!



All the best



Harry Flatcap


14th October 1987. England 8 Turkey 0. A game that was so one-sided that I, along with many others, left well before the final whistle. Taking into account that this was a less than impressive England team (when isn't it?) tells you something about the ability of the visitors during this period.



How times have changed! The recent draw in Italy, against a team that were in desperate need of a win (despite it being a mere friendly), was further proof of how far Turkish football has progressed in the past decade or so. Surely no other european country can surpass the vast improvement shown by the Turks over the past decade or so?



Hakan Sukur (a free agent in whom Graeme Souness has expressed an interest) might have been little more than a passenger at the World Cup (his continued selection being based more on reputation and popularity than performance), but he was undoubtedly a key factor in the rapid rise in Turkish football at both club and international level.



The performances of Ilhan Mansiz (available on a Bosman from Besiktas at the end of the season) at the aforementioned finals and the emergence of Nihat Kahveci as a regular goalscorer at table-topping Real Sociedad in Spain, suggests that coach Senol Gunes won't be lacking for firepower, especially with the likes of Hasan Sas, Arif Erdem, Umit Karan and Serhat Akin also in contention.



The real strength of the Turks though is surely in midfield. Emre Belozoglu is excellent, if volatile, with a reputation for powerful shooting. Okan Buruk, Tugay Kerimoglu, Umit Davala, Ergun Penbe, Hakan Unsal, Tayfun Korkut, Sergen Yalcin and the wonderful creativity and dribbling skills of Bayer Leverkusen's Yildiray Basturk provide a midfield that is ominously strong when compared to the woefully unbalanced look of the English quartet.



The defence is solid rather than spectacular with no nonsense players like Aston Villa's transfer-seeking Alpay Ozalan, the veteran Bulent Korkmaz, Umit Omat, Fatih Akyel and Ogun Temizkanoglu. Rustu Recber has established himself as one of the best keepers in the world, frequently linked with a move away from the Turkish league.



The Turkish game has undoubtedly benefitted from the number of German-born Turks who have been plying their trade in the Bundesliga in recent years, as well as the influx of foreign coaches and players into the domestic game. In recent seasons, Galatasaray have emerged as regular contenders in the latter stages of european competitions, although their UEFA Cup triumph in 2000 was marred by violence that resulted in the deaths of two Leeds United fans in Istanbul. Welcome to hell indeed.



Club football is in something of a dip, with Gala not only failing to qualify for the second group stage of the Champions League, but in finishing bottom of their group, failing to even qualify for the UEFA Cup, where Besiktas (who face Dynamo Kyiv) and Denizlispor (Lyon) are the only remaining Turkish representives.



Having already gained the initiative in Group 7 of the Euro 2004 qualifiers, Turkey, the seeded nation of course, are now well placed to secure automatic qualification ahead of England. Whether Sven-Goran Eriksson can inspire his men to take at least four points from the games between the two could go a long way to deciding the Swede's future (assuming that he hasn't already moved on, or that the tabloid press don't have any revelations about Sven and another old slapper to pass on?) - the omens don't look terribly promising.

165 Harry Flatcap plays mind games

(please note Harry wrote this weeks column prior to the European tie and
before the Man United fixture)



Good afternoon and welcome to the wonderful world of Harry Flatcap.



Indeed things seem to be getting better all the time after another late-late
win down at Loftus Rd. Tragically, in the words of Arsene Wenger, I didn’t
see it – Well nobody told me whilst I was in America that Fulham no longer
played down at Craven Cottage. It was panic stations when we arrived at the
Cottage and learned that we had to dash to Loftus Road and I must admit to
losing it with the coach driver when he stormed off the coach. Apparently
he drove the coach part-time as his main job is as a fireman. I asked him
if he could drive the coach fast, as if he was a fire engine driver at that
precise moment. He told me he would do exactly what he would be doing if he
was a fireman at that precise moment and promptly got off the coach, pulled
up a chair, set fire to a dustbin full of broken wood and sat outside the
coach with a placard that read on one side “FAIR PAY FOR THE LADS WITH BIG
HOSES” and “LET’S HOPE THAT NO.10 DOESN’T GO UP IN SMOKE EH TONY?” on the
other. Every time any of the lads tried to walk past him he bellowed “Scab!”
in our direction. “YOU EFFIN’ MILITANT!” I bawled back at him. “YOU SIT
AROUND ALL DAY, PLAY WITH WATER EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS, HAVE THE ODD DIFFICULT
SITUATION ONCE IN A BLUE MOON AND EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE A BLOODY HERO! I
WISH I COULD HAVE A 40% PAY RISE FOR WATCHING DAYTIME TELLY OR SLEEPING ALL
NIGHT!” At that point we started grappling and by the time I’d inserted his
placard where the sun doesn’t shine I realised the rest of the team had
disappeared without me.



Obviously it became clear to the players that the driver was going no
further with us so it was a case of ordering taxis and making the dash
across London to be there for the game at the last minute, and the first 11
to arrive were named in the starting line-up to ensure that game could
kick-off on time, and we weren’t penalised for a late arrival. This gave us
a rather bizarre formation, though I heard one wag on the radio after the
game claiming the fans were used to that this season. However starting the
game with 8 recognised strikers and just 2 defenders was certainly a ploy I
would never consider – That’s about 7 attackers too many in my book! In
this situation I would have told the bigger lads to hang back but left to
their own devices (remember the whole backroom staff walked out en-masse
last week) the lads decided just to go out and hope for the best. Not for
the first time this season, Liverpool were alleged to resemble a pub team,
and once again the team triumphed. However I believe the players responded
and learned from the situation ahead of them. After the Fulham striker Sava
scored to put them ahead he whipped a mask out of his sock and paraded
around in it. Why, I have no idea, but one of the players (Step forward
Stevie G!) had a similar idea. He ran back to the dressing room, produced
11 socks, cut eye and mouth holes and asked the players to put them over
their heads. The result of this worked miracles: Fulham had no idea, faced
with 10 outfield players all wearing balaclavas, who on earth they should be
marking, added to the fact that anyone wearing a balaclava always looks
instantly scary intimidated Fulham into surrendering their lead and we came
away with a 3-2 win! Even cherubic boy wonder centre forward Michael Owen,
17, looked intimidating, and I believe he scored all 3 goals, though nobody
is 100% sure because nobody could see the players faces as the ball hit the
net! We are now 5 points clear at the top of the league so the £100,000
fine by the FA for frightening the life out of the opposition was clearly
worth it, though our FD has requested we don’t repeat the stunt again!



Clearly, however, allowing players the opportunity to think for themselves
is not something that should be encouraged. To that end, this week I
unveiled my new assistant manager. I decided I wanted a continental
assistant manager, to help the club embrace European cultures and working
practices. And the fact that it seems quite trendy to appoint a continental
European coach, as well as cheap. Therefore I thought I’d follow the trend.
Man U have their continental coach, Sven has his Tord Grip, therefore I
announce the appointment of German Haard Stich as my new number 2.



I am a firm believer in racial stereotypes therefore I believe Haard will
bring us organisation, a sense of discipline, and be a bloody big hard
bugger to have alongside me when the s**t hits the fan. He joins us from
Turkish 2nd divisionnside Glastonfenergalasabegbesukerspor (I gave up trying
to find the team in the league table – Have a look at a Turkish league table
and you will understand why). Previously he played in German sides at all
levels (below the Bundesliga) and certainly looks the like a no-nonsense
German centre-half. So with a level of originality always evident within
football circles we’ve nicknamed him ‘the Kaiser’.



Speaking of the fan and the sloppy stuff Liverpool seem to be in it with the
Christian Ziege situation. It would appear the previous Pool manager
Mr.Houllier (just like everything else that happened in his time here – Just
ask the Chairman and the fans!) handled the purchase of Ziege sloppily and
was caught tapping the player up and picking him off at a discounted rate.
Getting caught tapping players is a ridiculous crime for any manager to be
trapped doing – Surely the competent manager is good enough to cover his
tracks and get away with this practise. Take Fergie for example – How many
times has he been vaguely accused of it but still has suffered no penalty?
That’s great management i