202 Chelsea’s taming of the Shrew

Shrewsbury away in the cup would be most top teams dream of a fourth round tie. But following Everton crumbling in the third round many pundits had this one down as the banana-skin tie of the round. That Chelsea won at a canter says a lot for how far they have come and something about how far Everton have to go.



Chelsea played aggressively, and that’s the correct attitude. There’s no point pussy-footing around with opponents who believe they will have to scrap for ninety minutes if they are going to get anywhere. Without showing any disrespect Chelsea set about showing that they could match their opponents for physicality.



In particular the forwards Luke Rodgers and Nigel Jemson were given a rough ride. Rodgers, the pacy and tricky Shrewsbury forward, who unravelled the Everton defence in the third round, was bundled into the ground on a number of occasions. His effectiveness diminished as the tie wore on and the result got more and more certain. Jemson had to have treatment to his head on two occasions in the first half, and his desire for the scrap had faded before half-time.



Once Chelsea had demonstrated their physical prowess they then had the additional edge of talent and stamina that a lower division side could never handle.



Why was this so different to the third round. Quite simply Everton thought they would win and tried to outplay their opposition. By the time they realised they were in trouble Shrewsbury had too much confidence and were throwing crosses into the Everton box that Everton eventually failed to deal with. Although Everton got back onto level terms this seemed to be the moment they relaxed again and yielded the initiative. When Nigel Jemson is strolling into the box, unchallenged for headers it’s clear your defenders have overindulged at Christmas.



The pity was that Everton versus Chelsea would have been the tie of the fourth round. But who could begrudge an old-fashioned manager a giant-killing win over the team he supported as a child and went on to captain them through their most successful years.



Perhaps the two points that tonight separate fifth placed Everton and fourth placed Chelsea in the Premiership are more indicative of the respective managers. It is clear that David Moyes gets more from his players week after week than their collective talents should enable him to. But perhaps he cannot raise them for the one offs. Everton have lost 7 league games, all to teams in the top 12 and have avoided defeat against the top 4 teams just once this season, when Wayne Rooney burst into the public eye with his late winner against Arsenal. It appears that Everton are at or even above their true potential most of the time, a fabulous endorsement for a young manager.



Whereas Chelsea have lost to West Ham and Leeds in addition to dropped points against Middlesbrough, Bolton and Fulham. One other statistic that hurts Chelsea is that they have won only 4 times by a single goal, which suggests that they are uncomfortable in pressure situations – the top 3 have between 6 and 8 one goal wins to their names. Chelsea may not be the soft touch they were once, but they are still not title material when they are this careless in winnable games. So perhaps Ranieri isn’t taking Chelsea to it’s potential height this season, thus suggesting that Chelsea could be a genuine title challenger next season.



So Chelsea have quality to spare and Everton are playing on the edge and it took a small border town to expose the gap in potential between the top two blue shirted teams in England.

201 Czech mates

anspired only one of them had a free window in their diary and is
currently ‘resting between assignments’ so we had to thank Paul Ross coming
here and enjoying the haggis hotpot and peas supper night laid on by the
supporters club.



However a packed social club were anticipating the arrival
of Diana Ross so there were angry scenes when the crammed lounge was advised
she wasn’t coming. I tried to personally placate the angry mob with an
announcement stating



“The money raised today may pay the wages of a hitherto
unknown eastern bloc centre half for 2 weeks so thank-you for kindly
donating your cash tonight.”



But the crowd were insistent that they wanted
their money back and then reported us to Trading Standards so when we did
our sums we were actually out of pocket. You’ve got to ask the people who
complained and demanded their money back – Are they loyal supporters of this
football club? Do they really deserve the opportunity to watch a team of
young boys, some only just out of nappies, heroically representing their
town week in week out? I hope the people of Dingwall will question their
motives thoroughly this week and put things right by cheering us on to
victory against Alloa on Saturday.



Don’t forget you can e-mail me on [email protected] – Please do, even
the African chappies have stopped e-mailing me and it’s getting very lonely
out there!



Enjoy the game!



Regards



Harry Flatcap


Whilst the paucity of deals during the current transfer window is indicative of the new austerity sweeping across the footballing world, there are signs that clubs from eastern europe could be major beneficiaries in finally be able to compete on something approaching an equal playing field.



As with most eastern european countries, the Czech Republic have traditionally been an exporter of players over the past decade or so. However, over the summer, the domestic league even managed to entice back Euro 96 stars such as Petr Kouba and Karel Poborsky (Sparta Prague), Radek Bejbl (Slavia Prague), Jiri Nemec (Chmel Blsany) and Miloslav Rada (Teplice). Whilst they might all be edging towards the twilight of their careers these days, it has to be a welcome sign that they were willing to return to play in their homeland again.



Even if accepting that the best young talent will still inevitably be sold abroad, the likelihood is that they will remain to develop in the Czech league for longer than at any time since the Velvet Revolution. This can only have a positive effect on crowd levels and the ability of Czech clubs (not to mention those of Russia, Ukraine, Yugoslavia, Croatia, etc) to compete against those representing the historically stronger clubs in the Champions League and UEFA Cup. This is long overdue as, with the brief exception of Dynamo Kyiv, no club from the east has looked remotely capable of challenging western europe's domination of the major trophies of late.



The signs of improvement are already apparent in the relative success of Czech clubs in european club competitions this season. Sparta and Slovan Liberec were both desperately unlucky not to progress beyond the qualifying stage of the Champions League. Sparta, Slavia, Viktoria Zizkov and Liberec all making decent efforts in the UEFA Cup. Indeed, Slavia have realistic ambitions of securing a quarter-final place, having drawn Turkish side Besiktas in the 4th round.



The national team were, with the possible exception of Holland, probably the best team not to make the finals of World Cup 2002, somewhat surprisingly falling to the Belgians at the play-off stage. Even so, new coach Karel Bruckner has started in impressive form as successor to Jozef Chovanec, remaining unbeaten after 10 games in charge. Although their quest to qualify for Euro 2004 will face a major obstacle in the form of the Dutch, any country that can call on the excellent Pavel Nedved is always in with a chance. Even if the automatic qualifying spot ultimately proves beyond them, the play-offs look well within their compass.



A number of youngsters have already broken into the national team, with the outstanding Borussia Dortmund midfielder Tomas Rosicky the pick of them. Goalkeeper Petr Cech, defenders Zdenek Grygera and Tomas Hubschman and Michael Owen's Anfield understudy, Milan Baros, were all key members of the team that won the Under-21s European Championship in Switzerland last year.



It might be asking a bit much to expect them to emulate the achievements of the national teams of Euro 76 (although it must be stressed that this was as Czechoslovakia and contained a high percentage of Slovakians) or 96, but there is undoubtedly a wealth of talent coming through the ranks of Czech football.

199 Harry Flatcap and the Bozzy bl

Hello and welcome from the land that time forgot! At least that’s how it
feels after attempting to bring new players in during the hectic transfer
window. More about that later, but good afternoon from Victoria Park, the
home of homely Ross County (well three quarters of it is, we still need to
lose the bloody ‘jail end’).



I could feel a level of expectancy amongst the players as we trotted out for
the first game of my tenure, against sleeping giants St. Mirren.
Expectations came crashing back down to earth as the giant awoke, crashing 5
goals past us as we struggled to cope with so many new faces in the side.
Still it’s early days, we are still 9 points above the drop zone, and 21
points away from promotion, which is still achievable if we could string a
decent run together, and the boys at the top of the division collapse
(perhaps literally, if we are to achieve our ambition).



I don’t like to make scapegoats for defeats but I’m afraid I lay the blame
fairly and squarely on the shoulders of our ex-goalkeeper Mark Boznick. He
had a ready-made excuse for every goal he conceded on Saturday but for his
erratic display we may have taken a point from the game. This is how
explained the goals to me after the match:



Goal 1: The ball seemed to have mutated into a swirling fireball, spinning
dangerously towards him. He decided the best course of action was to curl
up and hide in the back of the goal net until it had gone.



Goal 2: A feeling of euphoria added with the nerve to be able to do
anything had taken over his body, hence as the ball was smacked goalwards by
the St. Mirren striker Mark was perched on top of the crossbar attempting to
tightrope walk across the goal.



Goal 3: The game was just a few seconds into the second half, and Mark had
emerged out of the dressing room whilst the tannoy was playing the ‘Cheeky
Girls’ track that is currently a big number on the hit parade. Hence as the
ball sailed into the goal area Mark had stripped down to his vest, arms
pumping up excitedly, blowing furiously into a whistle and then shouting
“Oooh! The beats got me big time! Having it large style!” as a St. Mirren
striker easily rounded him to tuck the ball into the net.



Goal 4: Mark was at the side of the pitch attempting to buy a Mars bar from
the refreshment bar behind the goal when a speculative punt sailed into the
back of the net.



Goal 5: As we expected Mark to gather a straightforward cross, we realised
to our horror he had fallen asleep, spread-eagled on the goal line.



After the game we realised Mark still has a long way to go in his attempts
to rehabilitate following on from his sacking at Chelsea and told him we
were terminating his contract. “F*****g Nazi!” he screamed at me as I broke
the news to him that same day. I wish him luck in finding a new club but
don’t expect me to give him a decent reference!



As stated above we’d tried to bring a whole host of new faces in for the
trip to wherever St. Mirren may be. I’d told the Chairman (I must find out
what his name is) that we needed to attract some big names to the club,
generate a bit of interest. He voiced his concerns about the club
stretching itself in the market, but I told him not to worry as I’ve decided
to speak to some of these African guys who keep asking me to help smuggle
money out of Nigeria. It’s a gamble, but I’m sure Mr. Owen, Mr.
Hasselbaink, and Mr. Gudjonnsen would appreciate this method of raising
funds! I’m still waiting for news about how successful this method of fund
raising will be, I’ll keep you posted.



Speaking of gambling, as a responsible football manager I was shocked and
alarmed to hear the stories breaking about top players blowing millions
during gambling binges. With this in mind, as the players boarded the coach
to travel to St. Mirren I gave them a stern lecture about the dangers of
gambling and how I wouldn’t allow it on the coach. I wanted the players to
concentrate on today’s game and be mentally prepared so therefore I wanted
all the chatter on the coach to be about football, specifically today’s
game. The coach set off and for the first half hour there was a stony
silence. Then, one of the young lads I’ve drafted into the squad, 17 year
old Denis Commandment perked up.



“Boss, who we playin’ today then?”



Ah,
the naivety of youth! Almost on cue, my mobile phone bleeped into action.
Anticipating yet another agent attempting to sell me the latest young
Afghani superstar, I steeled myself for the sales pitch only to realise from
the instantly recognisable west country accent it was my old mate Chic
Mannon, a team-mate from my days as player-coach down at Yeovil Town, and
now a top horse trainer.



“Ere’ Flatcaaap!”



The west-country accent was unmistakable.



“Gort a top tip
for yer this afternoon Flatcaaap…”



Well it couldn’t of come at a worse time
could it! So I had to discreetly take the details off Chic (as I do like
the odd flutter myself) and waited for the opportunity the get the bet on.
Once I’d named my starting 11 I knew what to do. One of my subs was an
American guy, Frankie ‘Four Fingers’ De Lash. I asked Frankie to sneak away
from the ground and lay the bet on. And that was the last time I saw
Frankie. The next day I called his agent and told him what had happened.



“Jeez! You told Frankie Four Fingers to lay a bet for ya? Do you know how
he got his name Frankie Four Fingers? He lays daft bets and gets in trouble
for them.” For some reason the song ‘Viva Las Vegas’ floated strongly
through my head at this point.



“Flatcap – I’m on my way over to your
stinkin’ country right now!”



And ever since I keep seeing Frank

198 Hammertime

onceding a measley six goals in the process. At 9-2, Morton certainly have some appeal though.



Looking at the Nationwide league programme, Bristol City would seem to be about as safe a bet as you can get at home to Stockport County. Scott Murray has been in fine form all season for City, leading the way in a free-scoring team. Carlton Palmer's position in the County hotseat is becoming increasingly vulnerable, with only the prolific Luke Beckett looking capable of upsetting the form book. Given City's ability to score and County's to concede, 4-9 for the Robins is hard to argue against.



Cardiff City should be capable of staying in touch with the race for the second automatic promotion spot with victory over Huddersfield Town at the McAlpine Stadium. Huddersfield are slowly beginning to come adrift at the foot of the table and, despite being able to call on Andy Booth and Martin Smith, have only scored a paltry 19 league goals in 27 games. On top of that, they are in such dire financial straits that when they sacked manager, Mick Wadsworth, in midweek, they were immediately forced to re-instate him, after discovering that they were unable to pay off the remainder of his contract! The 8-11 for the Welsh visitors looks a decent price.



In Division 3, there could be an interesting battle between the relative moneybags of Hull City and the paupers of York City. Having secured the services of Jamie Forrester from Northampton Town for a nominal fee and Andy Thomson on loan from Q.P.R., Peter Taylor's charges should now have the requisite firepower to take the three points at 5-6.



If looking for value, Cambridge United have enough quality to pull off a shock against leaders Hartlepool United at the Abbey Stadium. Following their midweek victory at Macclesfield, the Monkey Hangers are already almost home and hosed in terms of securing automatic promotion. In the hope that they might now take their foot off the gas a tad, Cambridge look reasonable value to secre a home win at around 6-4. They are certainly more than capable of finding the back of the net, with the likes of Dave Kitson, Tom Youngs and Omer Riza all more than useful in and around the box. If the defence can keep Eifion Williams quiet, a vital three points shouldn't be beyond John Taylor's team.



On the continent, Juventus (1-5) should be too strong for Piacenza and Lazio (1-4) shouldn't be too troubled by Reggina in Serie A. The Bundesliga is also back in action, with leaders Bayern Munich (1-4) set to continue their precision to the title with victory over Borussia Monchengladbach, with Ailton (current league top scorer) inspired Werder Bremen (2-5) just staying in touch with a win at home to Arminia Bielefeld. Bayer Leverkusen (4-9) are perilously close to the relegation zone, but should regain some pride with a win over rock bottom Energie Cottbus. In La Liga, the two meanest defences come face to face at La Mestalla, as Valencia play host to Sevilla. Fresh from their 4:2 victory in Barcelona last week, Valencia (4-9) are expected to continue their pursuit of Real Sociedad and Real Madrid with another win.



Suggested bet: Man.U (2-7), Blackburn (1-2), Chelsea (1-3), Bristol.C (4-9), Bayern Munich (1-4) - accumulator


Charlton Athletic 4 West Ham United 2. Another game, another defeat and another display of defensive ineptitude from the team that are "too good to go down". Now, with only 14 league games remaining, it's becoming increasing apparent that some drastic action is required if Upton Park is going to play host to Premiership football next season.



The problems at the club are well-documented:



· a toothless attack, especially given the long-term injury problems that have denied them the services of Paolo Di Canio and Frederic Kanoute. Losing two such forwards might be a blow, but it shouldn't enforce the use of Ian Pearce as a centre-forward!



· a midfield that, for all its promise, looks lightweight and seems incapable of taking a grip on games or helping out the beleaguered back-four. Trevor Sinclair, in particular, seems to have become largely anonymous since returning from the World Cup.



· 47 goals conceded in 24 games! The defence doesn't contain a single player seemingly capable of organising those around him! Tomas Repka seems to be the prime subject of criticism from the stands, with disciplinary problems frequently affecting his game. That said, given the calibre of the defending around him, he would seem to have good reason to be angry.



· a manager, who not only lacks the support of the fans, but seems bereft of ideas as to how he can change things. In addition, the familiar sight of Glenn Roeder, standing silently on the touchline, arms folded, is unlikely to inspire either the team or supporters. His lack of charisma in front of the TV cameras certainly doesn't help endear him to the fans either.



· a club so ridden with debt, that should they drop into division one, there is little doubt that it will precipitate a mass exodus of players that will make any prospect of an immediate Premiership return highly unlikely. With transfer fees plummeting, it has to be doubted as to how much they will recoup from any such sale in any case?



To Roeder's credit, his calculated gamble in signing loathesome Lee Bowyer from Leeds United and Les Ferdinand from Tottenham on short-term deals do make sense from both a footballing and financial perspective. Whether either will be capable of turning things round so quickly has to be doubted, especially with regards to the ageing, injury-prone Ferdinand?



With time fast running out for Roeder to bring in any new faces, it could be time to sacrifice one of his saleable assets in order to bring in the required revenue to shore up a defence that seems destined to take them down unless changes are made. If Roeder could offload Kanoute, Sinclair or even Michael Carrick, he should then bring in a couple of semi-decent defenders in addition to a low-cost, direct replacement for the departing player.



Of course, with few, if any, clubs having any serious money to spend, it could prove nigh on impossible to sell anyone in the remaining few days of the current window. Indeed, given the limited time, perhaps any such option for rebuilding the defence has already gone? Matthew Upson would have been an ideal signing, but there is no way that the Hammers could have got anywhere near his transfer fee without having to cash-in on one of their star names first. If no such incoming deals do materialise, it must be time to gamble on youngsters Glen Johnson and Anton Ferdinand, if only to have a defence that the crowd, rather than opposing forwards, will get behind.

197 FA Cup 4th round betting predi

Given the recent, shocking revelations of Premiership footballers frittering away their hard earned cash in casinos, playing cards or on the nags, it would be highly irresponsible to encourage others to follow suit...so here goes!



Being a big cup weekend on both sides of the border, there are a number of seemingly "banker" bets on offer. However, unless you're in a position to put serious money on, you certainly aren't going to increase your bank balance by any meaningful level with a treble on Arsenal, Celtic and Rangers. That said, this might be why the Leeds United board are seemingly intent on selling their entire playing staff? If they can rake in £40 million, then punt the proceeds on what is a seemingly nailed on banker, they could bring in about a £6 million profit! Peter Ridsdale's probably on his way down to his local bookie at this very moment!



It has to be said, that if Arsenal play anything close to their potential, this could be the first game to feature a declaration at half-time. Odds of 1-40 should be confined to big accumulators or to those who have no comprehension of betting though. Farnborough's professionalism in jetting off to La Manga has to be applauded from a footballing viewpoint, although realistically the money spent would surely have been better off earning interest in the bank.



Dagenham & Redbridge might not have attracted the media attention of their Conference colleagues, but Carrow Road is certainly the likelier venue for a cup upset. That said, Delia Smith's Canaries are pretty formidable at home. Common sense points to a home victory at 1-5, although possibly not without a few scares along the way.



Having accounted for Everton in the shock result of the last round, Shrewsbury Town have served notice of their ambitions by refusing to sell Chelsea Buns in the town prior to the visit of Claudio Ranieri's team. Such action could well backfire, as it can only be surmised how apopletic with rage such action has left Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Gianfranco Zola and co.? Although Chelsea are always prone to a cup upset, it has to be doubted whether Gay Meadow will be the venue for a second Premiership scalp this season. Nigel Jemson and Luke Rodgers are a decent enough front pairing, but Chelsea have a more solid look about them defensively than the Scousers. Having conceded 49 goals in 26 league games, the same can't really be said for the Shrewsbury defence. 1-3 isn't great value for an away win, but it's difficult to envisage anything else.



Having only scraped past Bolton Wanderers after extra-time in a replay, in a tie that both clubs seemed determined to lose, it's difficult to have too much confidence in Sunderland's ability to get anything from their trip to Blackburn Rovers. Despite the midweek Worthington Cup loss to Manchester United, Graeme Souness will surely be capable of raising Rovers' game enough to see off the Mackems? Given that Sunderland didn't bother to put out a first choice team at Bolton, a price of 1-2 looks fair value for a home win.



Manchester United will surely gain revenge for their Old Trafford FA Cup defeat at the hands of West Ham United two years ago? The combination of the Red Devils' attacking power and the Hammers' atrocious defending, suggest that anything other than a fairly comfortable home win is highly unlikely this time round, even though it would be no surprise to see Glenn Roeder's side raise their game. At around 2-7, the price for a home win isn't exactly one to snap up, but it's difficult to make much of an argument for anything else. Perhaps a correct score flutter of 2:0 at about 6-1 could provide a bit of interest whilst sitting down to watch the game with the Sunday dinner?



Charlton Athletic could be worth a punt at 2-1 at Fulham/ Loftus Road. Current form is very much with the visitors and they look good value to take their place in the 5th round. Scott Parker is in excellent form and could prove to be a key man if the Addicks are to succeed.



Wolverhampton Wanderers look well capable of beating Leicester City at Molineux. The Foxes have had a bit of a dip in form lately, with injuries and suspensions beginning to take their toll. With Sheffield United breathing down their necks, Micky Adams won't be too disappointed at having to concentrate on the league for the rest of the season. The 13-10 for a home win could be worth a nibble.



There are plenty of potential upsets in the draw, with Brentford (Burnley), Gillingham (Leeds United), Rochdale (Coventry City) and Millwall (at Southampton) all worthy of consideration. The best bet could be Watford though. Having lost just two league games in 15 at Vicarage Road this season, they look overpriced to beat a shot-shy W.B.A. side that will surely be happy to be able to concentrate on Premiership survival. Russell Hoult could have his work cut out to stop the Hornets securing a spot in the 5th round at 7-5.



In Scotland, the Glasgow giants aside, there are a couple of bets that would seem to be worth having a look at. Falkirk are not only top of Scottish Division one, but have won nine of 10 home league games to date, scoring 24 goals and conceding just three in the process. The Bairns have a particularly lively forward line, with veteran Owen Coyle alongside Trinidanian Collin Samuel and young Lee Miller, both of whom have attracted interest from Everton. Hearts are no mugs, but could have problems in goal, with young Craig Gordon having to step in for the injured Roddy McKenzie. At odds of around 2-1, the home side do look tempting.



Another interesting bet north of the border could be Morton to win at Ross County. The visitors might be two divisions below their hosts, but in 22-goal Alex Williams, they possess a striker in top form. Ross County are pretty solid at home, having lost only two of 10 at Victoria Park, c

196 Newcastle are the only winners

From the moment that Robbie Fowler's proposed transfer from Leeds United to Manchester City collapsed, the signs looked distinctly ominous for the Elland Road club. Now, as speculation mounts that Jonathan Woodgate might be sold to Newcastle United in a bid to ease the debt burden at the club, the demise of the Fowler deal begins to look increasingly bad news for the Elland Road faithful.



A major knock-on effect is that Terry Venables' hands have been tied with regards to his attempts at bringing in the new players the team patently needs. Not only would Fowler have brought in a £7 million transfer fee, albeit in instalments, but his departure would have taken a further £6 million off the wage bill over the remaining three years of his contract. The latter could have gone a long way towards both Kleberson's transfer fee and salary.



For their part, Manchester City's attempts to renegotiate the terms of Fowler's transfer will have done little to enhance the relationship between Kevin Keegan and the City board. Keegan is renowned as one who wears his heart on his sleeve, so the collapse of a deal that would have gone ahead under the initially agreed terms is unlikely to have done much to strengthen his feelings towards chairman David Bernstein. Despite substantial expenditure and the resultant improvement on the pitch, the City squad still contains a substantial number of very average players. Fowler would have been seen as a significant indication of where their ambitions lie. Now there has to be a big question mark as to how long Keegan will be prepared to stay, especially should he feel that he isn't being fully backed in the transfer market.



As for Fowler, it has to be said that it would seem to be something of a fit of pique to deem it such an insult for City to renegotiate the terms of his transfer fee, that he would see fit to scrap the move? It's difficult to understand what effect this would have on Fowler's personal circumstances? At City, he would have been a first choice striker in a team that, in the spirit of their manager, play with an attacking abandon that would seem ideal for a penalty box predator such as Fowler. Any international ambitions he still harbours would also surely have improved in such a setting? Could it be that he wasn't happy with a pay-cut after all? Is there another, more lucrative deal in the pipeline? If not, it seems a strange decision to return to bench-warming duty at Leeds, in the knowledge that the club were willing to sell him at a fairly substantial loss.



It seems that Bobby Robson could be the big winner, with the Leeds board seemingly willing to do business on one of their so-called "crown jewels", despite previous pledges to the contrary. Not only has Robson declared an interest in Woodgate, but he also seems set to try and hijack any possible Kleberson deal. In the event of both deals actually materialising, the Geordies will certainly have the basis of a squad capable of mounting a major Championship challenge next season.



Still, having previously stated that Rio Ferdinand was only ever signed as cover for Woodgate, there is obviously no way that Leeds will even begin to consider selling their star centre-back! Either that, or Ridsdale and chums had better start looking for a safe haven in Baghdad!

194 The great fool of China

Having proven beyond all reasonable doubt at the World Cup finals that he has absolutely no future whatsoever in the game as a football pundit, recent months have seen Paul Gascoigne and his entourage resort to ever more desperate attempts in a bid at securing one last hurrah before drifting into retirement.



Despite picking up more Air Miles than Michael Palin as he scours the planet for one last chance to add a little extra income to his retirement pot, the signs are that for all his undoubted natural ability, Gazza seems destined to be left on the shelf as clubs across the globe are forced to face the harsh economic reality after years of excess.



In fairness to Gascoigne, it's difficult to comprehend some of the clubs that his agents have seen fit to try and secure deals with. Chinese football might be on the up, but for the sake of Gascoigne the man, it has to be hoped that his initial failure to impress on trial at Liaoning Bodao wasn't just a temporary blip! With his notorious "sense of fun", it would surely only be a matter of time before he made some Prince Phillip-esque faux pas on national TV. Whether this would result in a two match suspension or a major international incident can only be speculated, but I feel confident that the Foreign and Commonwealth Office have already sent out their best man just in case.



Having similarly failed to impress in a trial at DC United in the USA, his options appear to be limited to the lower Nationwide leagues (Gillingham, Exeter City, Darlington), Scotland (Dundee, Partick Thistle, Queen of the South) or Wales (Total Network Solutions). Although linked, St Pauli, facing relegation to the third division of the Bundesliga, have denied any interest. "Crack" New Zealand club, Auckland Stars sound far too serene, whilst the Maltese of Marsaxlokk would seem to have little going for them, other than a healthy score on a Scrabble board. Morpeth Town are also said to putting together a package to tempt him to the delights of Albany Northern League Division one football. Whether the local kebabs will be good enough to swing any potential deal could be a crucial factor.



Despite his reputation, he was probably the finest homegrown natural talent of his generation and it would be desperately sad to see him allowed to simply fade into obscurity. Taking all things into consideration, perhaps his representatives would be better advised to encourage Gascoigne to follow Eric Cantona into a career in beach soccer? Come on Paul, you know it makes sense. Pack the Ambre Solaire and flip-flops - Stamford Bridge beckons!

195 Keegan targets veteran superst

Kevin Keegan, still smarting from the failure to land Robbie Fowler from Leeds last week has turned his attention to another big name striker.



In a shock move, sources from inside Maine Road have revealed the name at the top of Keegans transfer window wish-list is legendary wing wizard Stanley Matthews.



However, the same sources have stated that Keegan is on a collision course with his cautious chairman who will insist on a strict medical before allowing Matthews to become a City player.



“As Stan has been dead for a couple of years now I don’t think the Chairman will sanction the move until he’s proved his fitness.”



an insider revealed today. Keegan is reportedly furious at further delays in his attempts to secure the players that will he believes catapult City into the top 6 of the Premiership.



The City man, wearing his heart on his sleeve, was visibly agitated talking to the press today as he admitted he was a long-term admirer of the ex-England winger, whose performances have been restricted of late due to his expiring in 2000.



“I’m sure that a fit Stan would give the place a lift and his ability to ghost around the pitch could prove a big plus for us”.



It is thought City have bid £7 million for the Potteries legend.

193 PREMIERSHIP: Wear too good to

When, in keeping with the current vogue for appointing "a safe pair of hands", Sunderland announced that Howard Wilkinson was to succeed Peter Reid in the managerial sheepskin at the Stadium of Light, the Wearside faithful were less than enamoured with the board's choice. Whilst the team under Reid were patently creatively inept, any desire for a young, high profile replacement certainly wasn't going to be met in the form of Sergeant Wilko. Bringing in Steve Cotterill from Stoke City (where he'd barely had time to learn his players' names) as his assistant may have placated the fans to a degree, but the pressure was very much on the new men to bring about an upturn in form with immediate effect.



Given performances and results, the sacking of Reid after 7½ seasons at the helm, was hardly a shock. That said, one can not help but question the wisdom of a board that backed him to the tune of £10 million just a few weeks prior to handing him his P45, in order to secure the services of Tore Andre Flo and Marcus Stewart? Flo in particular seemed a curious signing, especially if the intention was to bring him in as a Raelian-stylee clone for Niall Quinn? Quinn was one of the best target men in the history of the Premiership, Flo isn't!



Given that the club's goal drought has now extended to over a season and a half (a paltry 29 league goals last season, an even more alarming 16 goals in 24 games this), neither of the two new signings - both of which smacked of desperation - have had the desired effect. Coinciding with the alarming loss of form of the once prolific Kevin Phillips and the retirement of Quinn, it is obvious that something has to be done to address these failings in front of goal.



Having had to wait for the January transfer window to open, one would have thought that Wilkinson would be sitting next to the phone in eager anticipation of Big Ben's chimes summoning in the New Year in order to bring in a partner for Phillips. Instead, despite Jurgen Macho having performed heroics between the sticks and Thomas Sorensen recently recovering from injury, Wilkinson decided to splash out £2.5 million on Mart Poom from Derby County! Unless there are imminent plans afoot to cash in on Sorensen (a move to Arsenal wouldn't be out of the question), the signing of Poom seems incomprehensible? Thomas Myhre, a quality keeper himself, is now relegated to fourth choice! Now having a bit of cover is one thing, but does any club really need four top quality keepers on their books?! Bloody hell, Arsenal barely have one! Surely a cursory glance at the "goals for" column is enough to convince anyone where the club's priorities should lie?



In fairness to the strikers, with key playmaker Claudio Reyna out for the rest of the season, there is a definite void in the team's ability to create chances. As such, it's not surprising that they are looking to augment the midfield, with Matt Holland (Ipswich Town), Kazuyuki Toda (Shimizu S-Pulse) and Silas (Uniao Leiria) all recently linked with a move to the north-east. Possibly moving out could be fans' favourite, Julio Arca, with Espanyol rumoured to be showing interest in a deal at around £3.2 million.



With talk of David Bellion being Old Trafford bound and Wilkinson seemingly set on dispensing with the services of Stewart (possibly in part-exchange for Holland), the pressure on Phillips to rediscover his goal touch is clearly paramount to the Mackems survival hopes this season. Even so, Phillips aside, something is surely needed to rectify a paucity of firepower that makes Carsten Jancker look deadly?



Despite forcing his way into the Scotland forward line (no great achievement), Kevin Kyle has done little to suggest that he could be the long-term answer in attack, whilst Michael Proctor would seem unlikely to produce little more than the occasional goal at Premiership level.



With less than two weeks until the current transfer window closes, Sunderland's Premiership survival hopes would appear to be down to Wilkinson's ability to use the remaining time to secure a striker or two worthy of the name. Personally, I would suggest that John Hartson would seem to be ideal for Sunderland's current predicament, with perhaps Crewe Alexandra's Rob Hulse or Motherwell's Jamie McFadden more long-term, options.



Frankly, unless there is some incoming movement on the striker front, it has to be doubted that Premiership football will be on offer at the Stadium of Light next season.

191 Let the EU sort out football

The chairman gave me a guided tour of the ground and I was disturbed to find
the stadium has a ‘Jail End’. After my experiences in Florida State
Penitentiary the thought of playing in front of such a stand filled me with
a silent shudder. I suggested to the Chairman that perhaps in these days of
corporate sponsorship we should try and find someone willing to pay money to
change the name of the terrace. He agreed, so if you could suggest a
suitable name or sponsor for the Jail End at Ross County please e-mail me at
[email protected].



My first training session with the team was a bit of a shocker. I was at
the ground 10am on the dot the very next morning waiting for the players to
arrive. I was shocked as to how late they turned up as they all rolled in
about 8 hours later. I found all this rather shocking and demanded to know
why from the number 2 I inherited here Jockey Brodie.



“They’re part-timers Harry. They’re all working during the day.” Well
quite frankly I found this attitude rather un-professional, and I told them
so during my first address to them.



“I want winners here, who are prepared to work their b******s off to ensure
we begin climbing up the table. If you aren’t prepared to be here for
training at 10am every morning then you’re no good for me and you may as
well leave now!”



And to my astonishment the whole of the first-team squad
and Jockey Brodie turned around and trudged back to the changing rooms. No
wonder this club is in the league position it is in.



Anyway I’m not too perturbed about this as it gives me the chance to wheel
and deal and bring in a few new faces (well at least 11 of them) in time for
Saturdays match. With the transfer window open for another couple of weeks
I feel like a kid in a sweetshop. I decided my first transfer swoop should
be an audacious one, which would generate a few newspaper headlines and lift
our profile. I asked Manchester United if I could loan out of form rubbish
left winger Ryan Giggs until the end of the season.



“Sorry Harry” my old mate Fergie explained “Giggsys confidence is shot right
now, he’s not ready for the step up of playing at the level Ross County play
week in week out.”



Another opportunity arose. I was tipped off by some strange old bloke who
never leaves the club house from opening time to closing time every day that
there is an Icelandic fisherman living in the town who can play a fair bit.
The lads name was Gudur Eidjonsson, and he enjoyed fishing over here so much
he decided to settle (which is a little strange as the fishing takes place on
the East coast and we reside near the West coast of Scotland). I made
contact with Gudur but his lifestyle when I met him astounded me. We agreed
to meet in Dingwalls Scribes club, and during the hour I sat with Gudur he
rarely lifted his perspiring head as he desperately concentrated on the
games of bingo taking place in the establishment that afternoon. I realised
this wasn’t the man for me, how could you sign a player with a gambling
problem like that. However the same old man told me Mark Bosnich was
available on a free and as I believe from building from the back and a good
goalkeeper is the cornerstone of any good team I rapidly made him my first
signing.



Anyway, I shall sign off for the week, as I’m very busy building a new and successful dynasty for Ross County.



All the best



Harry


Modern football. It's rubbish isn't it? Skint clubs close to death,
footballers bleeding them dry with obscene amounts of money trawling into
their bank accounts.



So what can be done? I have my own personal views on what should happen,
though I'd be shocked if any of these changes took place.



For a start, there would be a great deal of resistance from the big boys,
who want to keep all the money and turn in great big salaries for
themselves whilst raking up big debts for their clubs. If a regulatory
body was to try and curb some of the Premiership excesses the big clubs
would moan that they would be discriminated against, that they wouldn't be
able to compete against the European teams if restrictions were in place.



No I don't know about you, but as a boy growing up in the seventies when
English football dominated the European game, the European Cup, the EUFA
cup, and the ECWC was the icing on the cake, a little different to the
closely fought English game we enjoyed here. It wasn't the be-all and
end-all as it is today, so I find this constant focus on super leagues and
the big European games a little alien.



Nonetheless, I would give the big boys the ultimate opportunity to see if a
European League is viable. I am a great believer in the pyramid system,
providing it is open and available to all on the basis of success on the
pitch. If such a league was to be set up, varying criteria would be used
to decide who would be invited (at least I hope it wouldn't be invite
only), but I decided to form a 20 team league based on performances over
the last 10 champions league seasons. Every team that won the tournament
over the last 10 seasons earned 4 points, runners-up 3, semi-finalists 2,
and quarter-finalists 1. If the league would have started in August 2002
this is who would have been in it based upon my system:



English clubs:


Leeds United


Manchester United



French clubs:


Monaco


Nantes


Paris St. Germain



German clubs:


Bayer Leverkussen


Bayern Munich


Borussia Dortmund



Greek club:


Panathinaikos



Italian clubs:


AC Milan


Juventus



Dutch club:


Ajax



Portugese club:


Porto



Russian clubs:


Dynamo Kiev


Spartak Moscow



Scottish club:


Rangers



Spanish clubs:


Barcelona


Deportivo La Coruna


Real Madrid


Valencia



Some surprises there then? Starting in this league would certainly ease
Leeds Uniteds European worries, whilst Rangers appearance would certainly
antagonize the Celtic fans, particularly as I'd expect these teams to
withdraw from their national leagues to take part in the European Super
League (ESL).



As mentioned though, I'm in great favour of a pyramid system, so I'd
expect 4 teams to be relegated from the ESL at the end of the season.
Their places would be taken by the 4 semi-finalists of the Champions
League for that season, as I'd expect that competition to continue, but
without the teams competing in the ESL. However I'd re-introduce the
European Cup, with the 20 teams all competing for it, and 12 'non-league'
teams invited (criteria to be decided). This would be a straight knockout
in the tradition of the European Cup in days gone bye,



What of the domestic game? The good news for Ipswich and Derby County if
the ESL had started in August 2002 they would have remained in the
Premiership to make up the numbers after Leeds and Man U had joined the
ESL. However, if Leeds were to be relegated in the inaugural season (and
you would expect that wouldn't you) and no English teams got to the
Champions League semis then 4 teams would be relegated from the
Premiership this season to allow Leeds to slot back into the Premiership.



You could argue that this would devalue the national game. After all, the
Premiership becomes a 2nd division to the ESL once it is in place. With
Man U out of the way, you would expect Arsenal to romp home in the
Premiership. Would they feel their success is devalued as a result of Man
U's disappearance? I think not. The fans will still enjoy seeing a
winning team and gain pleasure from this fact. Furthermore, teams like
Southampton and Man City have a very attainable opportunity to reach the
Champions League, which could then be used as a springboard for the ESL.



Meanwhile, the ESL clubs could still compete in the FA Cup and Worthington
Cup.



This may seem far-fetched, but I believe my next suggestion to football
would assure that the game would prosper in the long run to greater
effect.



I believe that the EU should become involved, and create a statute book
stipulating how professional football should be governed throughout
Europe. These are the objectives that I believe will create an equal
footing for the game.



Fairer distribution of TV money. The EU should state that money should be
spread in proportion
throughout the national game. Every nation has a different set-up, so it
should declare individually for each nation how this should be achieved.
For example, in England, it should be stated that TV money earned by the
Premier League and the Nationwide League should be split with 40% provided
to the Premiership, 30% to division 1, 20% to division 2, 10% to division
3. Should the professional set-up change in the country the leagues
involved have to gain permission from the EU to make the changes as it
will affect how TV money will be spread. The ESL would have a separate
set-up in terms of TV money generated which would ensure the big clubs
still earn a large amount of cash, though I'd like to see this watered
down over the years to ensure the money is stockpiled to help clubs in
legitimate hard

192 I don't want to go to (Chelsea

ship. In addition, I'd like to see a percentage of ticket
sales passed to the visiting club, this would also be a great boost for
the smaller clubs. The big boys will complain, but Manchester United will
still remain the biggest club, receiving more money than anyone in the
English game, so why should they worry about not being able to compete?



Special non-standard exception laws. Freedom of movement in the
labour force is all well and good,
but with football clubs attempting to build local identity it's a
different matter. Therefore the EU should state that football is an
exception to the labour laws, allowing the game to move forward without
bowing to rules that diminish it's standing. One such rule I would
introduce is that 5 national players must appear in every starting 11. As
an aside, I'm surprised that the current rule regarding academies hasn't
been challenged at the EU by some youngster down south who can't play for
Man United's academy because of his location. Personally I'd extend that to
cover the clubs fans?



Clubs no longer PLC's. Lets take a step back here. The clubs exist to
play sport, not to make
money. Of course the business aspect of the club needs to be handled
professionally, but if the greed culture is taken away from the clubs
perhaps we will see a greater diversity of successful clubs which ensures
all fans have the equal right of seeing their team achieve success. I
want to see repeats of what was achieved by Watford, Swansea, and
Wimbledon, rising from obscurity to the top division in the Country. All
clubs should be registered football trusts. Shares should not accrue a
dividend. Therefore the people holding shares in the clubs now will have a
say in the running of the club, but won't be there for investment
purposes. This will be interesting where the club has a complex
structure, such as the Chelsea Village organisation, but with the EU
directly enforcing the structure of the clubs, the people running them
will have no choice but to comply. Which leads us onto?



Tough compliance of the laws. Should any of the clubs be found not to be
conforming with the rules
and regulations, and the relevant governing bodies are failing to deal
with the problem, the EU should have the power to crack-down on anything
that does not conform to the spirit of the game. One thing I believe
shouldn't be contained is players wages. I feel attempting a salary cap
will only encourage clubs to find methods to pay players illegally. It
went on in the days of the maximum wage, and I see no benefit if this is
enforced now. Clubs should be encouraged to get a better grip of their
finances.



I think that it would take some time for the clubs to organise themselves
in readiness for these regulations taking place, so I would say the EU
should give clubs all over Europe 5 years to conform and prepare for the
new arrangements.



Fantasy, pie in the sky, hare-brained? What are your views? If anybody
from the EU or EUFA is reading this and think it's a good idea then I'm
ready and available if you want me to help implement this change!


During a spot of beach football last week, the Chelsea players kicked some sand into the collective faces of the Charlton team. Five reasons why Chelsea should get away with it and five reasons why there should be a replay.



Chelsea



1. Beach football is very attractive to the punters, and in this customer-centric world you’ve got to listen to them.



2. If we use a spot of word association then, beaches, Baywatch, then let your mind drift off to unfeasibly attractive women bouncing along in time to the music. This imagery alone is a case for the defence.



3. The pitch was at least flat, which is more than can be said for most Premiership pitches at the moment.



4. How can Chelsea flog their ageing superstars if they have to play more games. One whiff of a transfer to Barcelona and suddenly Jon-boy Hasselbaink is picking up a convenient injury within five minutes of his next game. This is another example of little people being picked on.



5. Nobody got hurt and, hey, it’s only a game.



Charlton



1. Before anyone blinks we’ll have plastic pitches again if this kind of nonsense isn’t stopped.



2. Beach football and Skysports. This is a recipe for some dreadful Eighties hit to be played as a backdrop to this story, and the thought of having to hear ‘Club Tropicana’ again fills this reporter with dread.



3. If the game isn’t replayed then Chelsea will be a step closer to getting back into the Champions League, Chelsea can then repay their debts and go on to be the dominant force in English football. And Ken Bates will probably be knighted and will buy Wembley for a fiver and will use it as a private Greyhound track and football theme park. If you don’t follow these things through to the natural conclusion, you only get a superficial grasp of cause and effect.



4. Sub-editors everywhere will be able to spend an extra half an hour in the pub because they can just rework the old Elvis Costello hit ‘I don’t want to go to (Chelsea)’ as a headline. Hic.



5. We will have anarchy if we continue to rely on well meaning amateurs like referees to decide whether a pitch has a playable surface. Perhaps now with Alan Titchmarsh no longer employed by Groundforce or Gardeners World, he could get a job as a roving grass troubleshooter. Whenever there is an issue with the surface he can be flown in to do a bit of raking in the Autumn (suppresses moss) or forking in January (helps drainage) or something. At least it will cut down on the number of mucky books he writes.



So not a clear cut issue, but at least it fills some column inches during the dreadful let down of the trasfer window. I mean another loan signing for Birmingham - is this the best English football journalism has to offer. Michael Owen's done what? Ah.

190 Harry Flatcap is the new manag

ong term, then Keegan will
continue to entice top quality players to the club. Motivating the players
into a footballing force should keep the money flying in Kevins direction.



The opposite scenario is a bleak one for all City fans.


The sky may be grey, outside may be miserable, but for Harry Flatcap the sun is shining again! Hello and welcome to the latest news from Flatcap world and yes! – I’m back in business again.



Earlier in the week I received a call from a very young sounding bloke who introduced himself as Des.



“Hello Mr. Flatcap?” he began.



“Speaking.”



“Hello it’s Des here from Brightstart Recruitment Agency. I think we may
have something you would be interested in.”



“Really?”



I was apprehensive as my experiences with the Job Centre last week
hadn’t raised my optimism greatly. In fact I was slipping into the
dangerous world of lying in bed in the mornings, getting up briefly to watch
Kilroy and then lounging around for the rest of the day until Cagney and
Lacey is screened at around 1am on UK Gold.



“I believe we have the perfect role for you. In fact it’s so perfect that I
think the job was created with you in mind…It’s a job as football manager
at…”



FOOTBALL MANAGER! I’M BACK! It’s always nice to be wanted and
somebody wants to give me a chance to prove again that the other 27 sackings
I was merely the victim of circumstances. I’ve been very unlucky in
football management but it’s in my blood and once you have it in there it
never leaves you. I realised that Des had been wittering on and I hadn’t
been listening but it didn’t matter, he didn’t have to give me the hard
sell. I tuned back in to what he was saying.



“…so get yourself up to Victoria Pak tomorrow, meet the Chairman, should be
a formality and you will be unveiled as the new manager.”



Victoria Park –
I’m the new manager of Stoke City!!! Fantastic news. Another big club, a
sleeping giant, waiting for one of the games big characters to come along
and re-ignite their fire. Just one question for Des:



“Er, Des, weren’t you the bloke who phoned me from the double glazing
company live on the radio last week?”



“Yeah, but you’ve got to move where the money is haven’t you…and recruitment
is where it’s at!”



Two days later, a rather sheepish Mr. Flatcap finally arrived at Ross County where a rather inpatient chairman was waiting for me in the Victoria Park club bar with a dishevelled journalist asleep at his feet.



“Flatcap! Where have yer been laddie?”



“Er, got a bit lost on the way up here Mr. Chairman.”



“This is a town with a population of 6000, there aren’t too many football
stadiums around here Flatcap. Where did you go wrong?”



“Er, Staffordshire.”



“Eh? Anyway, no time for that. Let me explain. I’m the new chairman of
this club. I’m a local man, worked all my life building my business. I
bought this club last week and I wanted a straight-talking, no-nonsense man
at the helm. Who is cheap. That’s why I want you Flatcap. However, I
believe in rewarding success. There is a considerable bonus for you if you
can get County promoted this season.”



I noticed the journo had a newspaper crumpled alongside him. I picked it up
and looked at the league table. Ross County are in division 1, and
currently reside 21 points off a promotion spot.



“I must warn you laddie,
with promises of bonuses for success I believe there should be a carrying of
the can for failure. Your contract stipulates that you will be sacked
without compensation should County be relegated this season.”



This clause
warranted a little concern on my behalf as my untold personal fortune has
been built upon the early settlement of contracts. Still, a further glance
at the league table highlighted the fact that County are 9 points above the
drop zone, so no cause for concern there.



“OK laddie, sign here.” And with
my name scrawled upon the contract, Harry Flatcap is the new manager of Ross
County!



Immediately, the previously inert journalist sprung to life.



“Harry Flatcap – Archie McLekerman, Dingwall Argus”



“Dingwall – Where’s that then?”



“You’re in it.”



“I thought this was Ross?”



“Er no, that’s the name of the county, as in…Ross County...”



“Ah…”



“So what do you know about the club Harry?”



“Not a lot, to be honest Archie.”



“What about Scottish football and division 1 in general? I expect that
being the manager of Liverpool you had scouts keeping a keen eye on events
over the border?”



“Oh aye yeah, I’m…very well up on Scottish football…ahem…”



“So what do you make of your first opponents, St. Mirren?” Thank god I’d
spied Archies league table, and had recent experience of working on the
radio which enables ex-footballers to hone the skill of talking about an
area of the game they know absolutely nothing about but managing to sound
like an expert all the same.



“Well Archie, it’s important to get off to a good start. We are in no-mans
land in the league table but with St. Mirren level on points with us it is
important that we use this game as a springboard to a much higher league
position. But what we must avoid doing is winning this game and shooting
ourselves in the foot by losing the next game, therefore allowing St. Mirren
the chance to leapfrog us in the table…”



“Well I can’t see them doing that Harry.”



“Why not, they’d be back level on points with us again.”



“Yes, but they’d have to win the game 18-0 to go above you.” Damn! Should
have studied the league table a little more carefully. Our goal difference
is 0, but St. Mirren, level on points, had a goal difference of -18. This
rattled me somewhat.



“So Harry, what do you actually know about the playing style of St.Mirren?”



“Er, they do they still play in black and white stripes?”

189 Kevin Keegan. I'm a believer.

As I write this it is looking a formality that Robbie Fowler will become a
Manchester City player at some point this week.



Antony Melvin wrote an interesting piece about Kevin Keegan on
squarefootball last week, and as a City season ticket holder for over 25
years I thought I would add my views to the debate about where the Keegan
roadshow will eventually take City. Or more worryingly, where will the
wheels fall off?



Prior to May 2001, I would have agreed wholeheartedly with Antonys view that
Keegan can’t be considered a long term prospect at Maine Road. After all,
his track record of quitting when the going gets tough seems to point that
in that direction. His Newcastle departure still seems shrouded in
confusion as to exactly why he left, though the general feeling points to a
fall-out with the board. His England exodus was clearer – He couldn’t hack
it, he was getting out.



When news circulated that Keegan was rumoured to be the new manager of City
these misgivings sat in my mind. My view was that a club as volatile and
erratic as City, with their habit of falling on its backside with
embarrassing regularity wasn’t the club for a sensitive soul such as Keegan.



The opposite view was that here was a marriage made in heaven, the meeting
of two enigmatic entities, who may hit the troughs and circle the skies but
never do anything mundane or uninteresting. So far this view has proved to
be correct and together City and Keegan are reaching highs neither has
witnessed for years. But for how long can it last?



My initial scepticism regarding the appointment of Keegan was blown away
within the first evening of his appointment. I phoned my dad, who shared my
views about Keegans coming, and we both agreed that it wasn’t a good move.
Later that same evening Keegan appeared at a fans forum which was broadcast
on local radio. It was unbelievable, the charisma the man exhibited turned
me from a disbeliever into an excited fan all over again. Keegan
transformed me from a fan low suffering the aftermath of a turgid relegation
from the Premiership into a believer again. I called my dad, a greater
cynic you will never meet, and he was equally euphoric. “The guy won me
over, I can’t wait for the new season.” This is the great skill of the man.



He is able to whip up enthusiasm, to motivate, and to convince you that
your trust should be placed with him. To be able to do it at Maine Road was
his greatest victory yet, remembering that City fans, after their fill of
Swales, Allison, Bond, Lee, Ball, et al making tall promises that were never
delivered had reduced City fans to steadfastly refusing to embrace any
optimism generated by the club. Keegan changed this, and helped create a
new culture at Maine Rd. And boy did he deliver as we romped to the 1st
division championship last season.



Come the summer of 2002 and City clearly faced a dilemma regarding how they
approached the new season back in the Premiership. City had backed Keegan
generously during the division 1 term, surprising many who felt this was a
real gamble based upon the climate the majority of Nationwide clubs faced.
Back in the Premiership, it was clear City would need to invest further if
they were to avoid plummeting straight back down again.



Now Citys finances
aren’t the steadiest as the club attempts to pay debts off from the distant
past, and current chairman David Bernstein has worked prudently to ensure
the club moves forward on a sounder footing. But I’m sure everybody was
surprised at the level of spending City embarked on, the majority of the
cash spent bringing Nicolas Anelka to the club, the first truly world class
player to grace the blue shirt since Trevor Francis in 1982. Early wobbles
in the Premiership ensured that Keegan would be granted further funds once
the transfer window opened in January.



So where has the cash come from? There have been major hareholders
converting loans into additional shares, investment deals with US banks,
increased revenue from sponsors, kit suppliers and the TV money.
Additionally moving to the new stadium without having to finance it or deal
with the maintenance of it gives us the advantage over Premiership clubs
such as Liverpool, Everton, Spurs, and Arsenal who will all be looking to
relocate at great cost in the near future. Buttsome shareholders were still
concerned enough at the last AGM to raise their worries. The optimism that
can be taken is that Bernstein is an experienced operator and as an
accountant with a wealth of experience gained working on the board of some
of the largest companies in the country.



But all the financial skills in the world are pointless if the investment
isn’t matched with performances on the pitch. The key issue with signing
Keegan is he attracts top quality players to the club. How else would City
lure Anelka, Fowler, Benarbia, and Distin to the club? Keegan also demands
these sort of players at Maine Rd, and here he holds the advantage because
should the board refuse to buy big no doubt Keegan would become
disillusioned. Here lies the rub. If Keegan walks out now, the likelihood
is that the big names will follow, or even worse fail to perform which would
cost the club millions. This I believe the reason why Keegan has been so
genuinely backed – It is cost-effective to do it! The Fowler deal could be
the real benchmark for the Keegan/Bernstein relationship. The jury will be
out on how Fowler will benefit City initially, however should he fail to
deliver surely the board will be nervous about pumping so much money Keegans
way to be spent on just one player.



So the equation is clear. If the board can deal reasonably with Keegans
spending without jeopardising the finances l

188 What’s the point of Fulham?

Over the last few months, I’ve been taking a look at the Premiership table in a more in-depth, analytical way than ever before.



What led me to this was the plight, or lack of it, of my own team Tottenham Hotspur, who under perform more times than Rod Stewart with a brunette.
However, setting aside the fact that Everton, Manchester City and Southampton are ahead of them in the race for Europe, it is not with Spurs that my bewilderment lies.



No my bug-bear is with Fulham. Who? You know, that sleeping giant of a club that little Mo Fayed bought to strengthen his case for British citizenship.



The trouble with Fulham though is that while having aroused from their slumber enough to climb from Division Two to the Premiership, being back in the top flight appears to have taken everything out of them and become docile again.



This is not all Al Fayed’s fault however. It may be fair to say he knows as much about the beautiful game as anyone does of County Cricket, but the finger of blame must instead be waved firmly in the direction of the manager Jean Tigana, formerly of Monaco and probably waiting for the day he goes back there.



To put it simply the Frenchman has bought duds. I’ll give you the list and try and remember something, ANYTHING, that these players have produced this season.



Steve Marlet – £11million French who striker looks like Henry, talks like Henry, but plays like Henry Cooper.



Facundo Sava – Cheap Argentinian. Scores odd goal, wears mask so people don’t know he’s playing for Fulham.



Martin Djetou – Signed from Monaco. Injured a lot, fans wish he was injured more.



Abdeslam Ouaddou – Apparently described as the Moroccan Rio Ferdinand. Strange name, even stranger player (Ouaddou I mean)



The list could go on but I doubt the editor has enough space for the many achievements of Luis Boa Morte.



Anyway, the point is that if Fulham stay up it will be a minor miracle. While everyone talks up the strength of the top sides, it seems the weak keep getting weaker, meaning that amazing as it may sound, Sunderland still have a chance!

186 Harry Flatcap and the 6-0-6 de

Greetings to all followers of my weekly column. Harry Flatcap here with the
latest weekly instalment to my rollercoaster of a season. Whilst being
awarded with a gold disc for my song ‘Do they know it’s Christmas’ was a
boost, it just doesn’t compare to the day to day managing of a football
club. I miss the banter with the lads, the camaraderie, and keeping the
seedier night-time activities of my players out of the newspapers.



I’m still available, and actively seeking work after being sacked by
Liverpool over Christmas – How heartless can you get? Currently, after I
was bailed out of the ‘hotel’ I resided in whilst emotionally attempting to
come to grips with the sacking, I am residing at the squarefootball.net
editor’s penthouse suite. It’s fantastic here, all mod-cons, such as
satellite TV, so I’ve been able to watch a lot of football over the weekend
and keep up to date with what’s happening. This has been additionally
useful as the editor continually pulls in his contacts to get me some work
on the radio/television. It’s almost as if he wants me out of the house,
looking at the jobs he has lined up for me! Still it means I’m earning my
keep and able to replace the full case of the editors Thunderbird I downed
in one sitting just the other night.



First up, was a radio slot on Haddock FM, my old friends on the radio in
Grimsby. I was asked if I thought Burnley had any chance in their cup tie
with The Mariners on Saturday. My reply was the cup is a great leveller,
it’s about who wants it the most on the day, but my old mate Stan Ternant
wouldn’t fancy a trip up South for a cold and windy cup tie up in Grimsby.



I also added for good measure that should Burnley fail in the task perhaps it
was time that the Burnley board (is Bob Lord still there?) should perhaps
look at a new direction, ideally going for a manager with recent Premiership
experience.



Next up, I was asked to appear on The Dancing Shrew FM assa guest on the
Friday night sports talk show ‘The Expert Sports Panel’. It was indeed a
mighty panel of experts lined up to discuss the big game against Everton the
following day – Everton superstars of the past Alan Biley (remember the
bloke who looked like Hot Shot Hamish with his big blond mane of hair?),
Sandy Brown (scorer of the greatest televised own goal ever seen on Match of
the Day against Liverpool in the 70’s), and Alan Harper (always 2nd to Peter
Beardsley in ‘oddest looking footballer’ lists often held in those fanzine
magazines read by radical football fans these days).



As an ex-manager of
Shrewsbury I was there to offer a view from the Shrewsbury angle. The show
went exceptionally well – All 4 of us agreed that whilst Everton were the
big favourites this was the romance of the FA Cup, a real David and Goliath
tie which 99 times out of a hundred would be won by Goliath, but anything
can happen on the day and Everton needed to guard against complacency
otherwise they could find themselves on the wrong end of a cup upset.



I countered that should Everton fail to get through the banana-skin tie maybe
the stewardship of David Moyes wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and
perhaps Everton need to look at securing a manager with experience of
managing a Premiership club in the high-profile and passionate Merseyside
area. Or perhaps Kevin Ratcliffe would make a good manager at Everton based
upon his successful tenure as captain during the glory days of the eighties.
Should Ratcliffe leave Everton Shrewsbury should look at an experienced
manager who has proven himself by steering a club recently to the top of the
Premiership.



Clearly, my success on these shows was the reason I was asked at short
notice to stand in for Alan Green and host 6-0-6 on Sunday night after the
weekend cup-ties had taken place. Apparently my old mate Greenie had been
called away on important business, he had been nominated for a Nobel Peace
Prize in recognition of the sterling journalistic work he conducts on behalf
of the BBC and the fearless way he deals with ruthless dictatorships who
attempt to restrict the level of truth broadcasted by him.



The SquareFootball editor landed me the position, I heard him on the phone to
the producer of the show saying “Look, you’ve had Mellor and Green as hosts
of the show, will anybody notice anything different with Flatcap?” This
made me feel good as clearly the Ed regards me very highly to compare me
with those media experts. “Besides, I’ve got a hot date Sunday night and I
want him out of harms way.” This made me realise that perhaps I’ve
outstayed my welcome here and I need to get a job urgently.



I signed on
last week and the local job centre said to me



“We have found you the perfect
job that we feel would suit your skills and experience.”



“You’ve found me a football managers job?”



“We’ve found you a job in a football club.”



“What, assistant manager? Coach? Director of football?”



“No, more on the catering side.”



“Oh, I get it. PR. Corporate hospitality. Meeting and greeting executive
fans prior to games, that sort of thing. Up my alley that is…”



“Er, no Mr. Flatcap. There is an opportunity at Northwich Victoria in their
vending services division for senior beverage dispense administrator.”



“Hmmm…Would that mean, in laymen’s terms, working the tea hut?”



“Yes, I believe there would be an element of that, yes.”



“An element, as in, all of my job would be in the tea hut. That size of
element?”



“Hmm. Yes.”



Well I’m sorry. As one of my favourite motivational songs says (one that I
often play in the dressing room and encourage the players to dance excitedly
to as a way of psyching themselv

187 PREMIERSHIP: Keegan’s City bre

es up prior to a match) REACH FOR THE STARS!
CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN HIGHER! There was no way I could take a job as
demeaning as that! I’m still available football club chairmen waiting for
your call!



Meanwhile, in the studio hosting 6-0-6. Once again I proved that whilst
football management is in my veins, football punditry could be on my
intravenous drip and could replace the blood, flowing in my veins. Plenty
of interesting calls:



Spurs fan: Harry, I think Hoddles lost the plot at Spurs – He’s got to go.



Flatcap: I agree. Baffling selection, constant changing of the team. You
need a manager who rigidly employs one set formation and has done for the
last 25 years.



Fulham fan: Harry, Tiganas lost the plot at Fulham – He’s got to go.



Flatcap: I agree. You need an English manager who will sign good honest
English players who will roll their sleeves up and fight for you.



West Ham fan: Harry, Roeders never had the plot at West Ham – He’s got to
go.



Flatcap: I agree. No respect in the dressing room. Unable to motivate the
big names. You need somebody who isn’t afraid to give the so called
prima-donnas a bloody good kick up the arse. Whoops! Can I say arse on the
BBC? [away from mic] Is arse OK?



Des: Mr Flatcap?



Flatcap: Yes?



Des: Hello my names Des from Transparent windows I’m not trying to sell you
anything so please don’t put the phone down but I’d like to offer you a
superb deal if you’d agree to let us install some new windows and use your
house as a showhouse I’m sure you’ll agree it’s a fantastic opportunity and
as we speak one of our sales team is loitering outside your house waiting
for me to tell them to visit you and sign you up for this once in a lifetime
deal so shall I tell him to come round right now?



Flatcap: I think you may be confused – You are on national radio, did you
know that?



Des: So you aren’t at 55 Arcacia Avenue, Bristol?



Flatcap: Er, not since a Mrs. Blair bought the house from me.



Des: Ahh. Sorry to bother you bye. [brrrrrrrrrrrrr]



As the show entered it’s final minute I decided enough of the subtle hints,
and issued a heartfelt pleas from the heart.



“Football chairmen! Are you listening! I am available! Sack your managers
and make a call to Flatcap! I’m ready! I’m waiting! The path to football
success is yours to take if you call me on…[sounds of fracas in the studio
as Flatcap is wrestled away from the microphone]



Continuity announcer: We regret that due to technical problems the last half
minute of 6-0-6 featuring Harry Flatcap can not me transmitted. Instead we
hope you will enjoy listening to Manuel and his music of the mountains for
the next 30 seconds…



So anyway, I’m still looking for a job. And I’m getting itchy – We’re
nearly halfway through the transfer window and I need a football clubs money
to spend. If you want to offer me a job or offer advice please e-mail me at
harryflat[email protected] (please, no more dodgy Africans offering me the
chance to smuggle $30,000,000 out of some small banana republic via my bank
account as I can’t respond to any more)


The Manchester City manager Kevin Keegan has been in place for eighteen months and must surely by now have itchy feet. Keegan is an honest, heart-on-the-sleeve kind of manager and there have already been press reports that he has threatened to resign. Whether there is any basis for the rumours or not, Keegan’s career has had many twists and turns and it is clear that he is always willing to jump beffre he is pushed. Is he ready to jump though?



Kevin Keegan managed Newcastle from February 1992 to January 1997, his longest tenure. He took a team struggling against relegation to the second division up into the Premiership. He built Newcastle into a major player in the top division before his defining year of 1996. With the title seemingly in the bag, Newcastle bought Faustino Asprilla and the results trailed off to leave Newcastle as runners-up. He then spent a world record transfer fee of 15 million of Alan Shearer, and sold Andy Cole to bitter rivals Manchester United. When the next season proved to be less successful he couldn’t maintain his desire to manage the club and he resigned.



Keegan then took a year out before reappearing as Chief Operating Officer at Fulham, then in the second division. Within a few months the manager, Ray Wilkins, was sacked and Keegan took on coaching responsibilities. He promptly got Fulham into a position where promotion to the first division was a formality.



Then Glenn Hoddle had made some comments about disabled people and sins from past lives and as a result resigned, leaving England in the lurch. There was a media-inspired public clamour to get Keegan the England job and his Chairman, corner shop owning Mohammed Al Fayed, let him coach England 'for the good of the country' in February 1999.



England needed eventually to win a play-off against Scotland to qualify for Euro 2000, and two goals from Paul Scholes in Scotland were nearly undone by an insipid performance at Wembley, where a Don Hutchison goal almost brought Scotland back into it. A disastrous campaign ended in the first phase when Phil Neville gave away a penalty in the dieing minutes of the final group match. England then lost their first qualifying match for Korea/Japan 2002 to Germany, following another insipid Wembley performance and Keegan promptly resigned. He was England manager for 18 months.



In the summer of 2001, Manchester City sacked Joe Royle whose eventful tenure at Maine Road had seen a relegation to Division Two, followed by back-to back promotions into the Premiership and then relegation back into Division One (despite managing them for only 2 full seasons). Kevin Keegan was the new manager as he signed a, what can only me described as an optimistic, 5 year contract. Immediate promotion as Champions to the Premiership followed. Now Manchester City are settled in and are targeting European football.



Keegan's club career has been marked by a distinct pattern



Honeymoon period: Regarded as a new 'Messiah' by the popular press and many fans, promises to awake this 'sleeping giant' and embarks on a policy of heavy spending on good players and cheap signings of experienced pros and quickly gains promotion.



Salad years: Pushes the football club towards unexpected heights, interspersed with heavy spending.



Reggie Perrin period: Disappointment, poorer results, continued heavy spending, boardroom disagreement with spending policy, resigns and disappears.
Even his career at England had many of these features (except the heavy spending)



Clearly Keegan is now enjoying his salad years at Manchester City, he has been given the license to spend heavily and is building a side that is capable of winning things (insipid cup performances aside). The question all seasoned Keegan-watchers will be asking is, how long will it be before he starts going all Reggie Perrin? I give him until Christmas.

185 Rooneymania

The young Everton player is the name on every tabloid editor’s lips. Who is the real Wayne Rooney, who are his mates, what does he do in his spare time, has he done anything, err, a bit naughty. It’s like the centre pages of ‘Shoot’ used to be when opposite a be-permed Andy Gray the ghost writer would tell you his favourite colour, his best goal, and that, yes he’s supported Wolves all his life (or Villa or Everton or whoever he was playing for that week).



Wayne Rooney must be joy to most Evertonians. Stuck with a decade of under-achievement with the warm afterglow of the first Howard Kendall era now very cold. Having to put up with triumphal neighbours who seem to have grown with the Premiership without ever, actually, having to win it. Stuck with season after season of underachieving managers, takeover battles and mounting debts.



Then suddenly last year two things happened that have lifted the mood at the club and amongst it’s support. Wayne Rooney went from the likely next big thing to first team to monster, monster. Rooney hadn’t played 90 minutes for the first team more than a dozen times before he was being touted as an England player.



Then along came David Moyes, a moribund squad suddenly seemed to shake off the injury crisis that besets so many teams when morale is low. Everton avoided the impending relegation battle and this season have been a revelation, and as Liverpool stalled Moyes Boys silently moved past them.



But Rooney has the media spotlight, and despite all his clever managers attempts to shield him, that’s where it will stay. Until it makes him or breaks him.



Rooney has that look about him that was obvious in Owen, or that Clough saw in Roy Keane, or Bill Shankly saw in Denis Law. He has star quality written all over him.



He seems to have the aggressive intent and ability of Liverpool’s Gerrard but delivers much higher up the pitch. His link play is very good, but his shooting is amazing. His positional sense will improve as will his heading. He doesn’t seem set up to be a poacher of goals, more a scorer of great goals, so you do wonder, even at this early stage, whether he will ever get 30-40 goals in a season. No doubt he will win goal of the season one year though.



But he’s still young, and to trawl through the list of potential world beaters who were found out before they were 20 is too easy. Whilst making predictions is also easy, it seems clear that an England call up, to the squad at the very least, will happen before the year is out.



The only real qualms I have about Rooney is his size. He seems too big. Which makes me worry about whether he will be injury-prone as time goes on. Some players like Mark Hughes were big and avoided injury, and some players like Duncan Ferguson are big and…



Wayne Rooney is a phenomenon, an overnight success, a media darling, a footballer. Second guessing how far he will go is silly. With real confidence you can say that he has great potential but he is not yet a great player. You only recognise true stars when they have retired – not before they have even started.

184 Argie Bargy

The growing hysteria surrounding Wayne Rooney, James Milner and Michael Dawson is such, that there are those who seem to think that England simply have to turn up to lift the trophies at Euro 2004 and World Cup 2006.



Undeniable though it is that England have a wealth of youthful talent coming through, it seems to have been forgotten that other countries have also been developing their own young players. Brazil have the likes of Kaka, Adriano, Jussie, Diego and Robinho. Spain have Iniesta, Javier Portillo, Jose Antonio Reyes, Miguel Angel Moya, Melli and Fernando Torres. Portugal have Ricardo Quaresma, Carlos Martins and Cristiano Ronaldo. France have Djibril Cisse, Phillipe Mexes, Florent Sinama-Pongolle and Anthony Le Tellec. There are even signs that, after a particularly barren spell, the Germans are starting to produce good young players again.



However, the country that really stands out in having the greatest depth and quality of young talent available is surely Argentina? Having long been a major exporter of players to European clubs, Argentinian clubs have long had to rely on developing their own players.



Putting aside the Falklands conflict, the "Hand of God" and Diego Simeone's antics in France 98, it has to be admitted that they have been one of the most consistently impressive teams in world football over the past 25 years. Diego Maradona, for all the baggage (much of it now around his gut), was undoubtedly one of the finest players in history and it's difficult to think of a more complete striker than Gabriel Batistuta over the past decade or so? The future looks equally promising.



In recent times, as a result of the general mis-management of Argentinian football and the dire economic situation within the country as a whole (five Presidents in a year is a cracking return), the youth academies have been forced to produce a new generation of stars as clubs are forced to disband and rebuild on a season by season basis. Such is the plight of football in Argentina, that contracts are often owned by agents and businessmen rather than the clubs. On the plus side - for those that have retained contracts - following the devaluation of the peso and the government's decison that all domestic debts must be settled in the national currency, those players sold abroad for dollars are now proving to be an enormous help in paying off club debts.



The player exodus, coupled with the debts and low crowds, due in no small part to appalling levels of hooliganism, have resulted in the inevitable cutting back of numbers in what have been traditionally large squads. Even so, despite a definite drop in the overall standard of the league, there is still immense quality coming through the ranks. With Javier Saviola (21-years old) and Juan Roman Riquelme (24) having now joined numerous other countrymen in plying their trade abroad, the new generation of stars in Argentina include 19-year old striker Fernando Cavenaghi (River Plate), his midfield team mate Andres D'Alessandro (21), Boca Juniors playmaker Carlos Tevez (18) and Colon Santa Fe striker Cesar Carignano (20). River Plate defender, cum defensive midfielder, Martin Demichelis (22) has recently agreed to a move to the Bundesliga with Bayern Munich and there is much speculation surrounding Independiente (the current champions) defender Gabriel Milito moving to either the Premiership or Serie A in the near future.



In addition to these new faces, come the 2006 World Cup finals in Germany, Marcelo Bielsa (or his successor) will still be able to call on established stars like Pablo Aimar (whose brother, Andres, is another of the new generation at River Plate) , Juan Sebastian Veron, Hernan Crespo, Claudio Lopez, Diego Placente, Juan Pablo Sorin and Walter Samuel. There will also be players of the calibre of goalkeeper Sebastian Saja, defenders Fabricio Coloccini and Nicolas Burdisso, midfielders Maximiliano Rodriguez, Mauro Camoranesi and Esteban Cambiasso and strikers Martin Cardetti, Martin Palencia and Alejandro Dominguez ready to play their part.



As for Bielsa, there was some surprise when he was kept on after the World Cup debacle. His decision to select Claudio Caniggia ahead of Saviola is still difficult to comprehend? Unless he can steer the team to victory in the Copa America, it has to be doubted that he will still be in charge come 2006? Possible replacements could include the former Boca Juniors boss Carlos Bianchi, ex-River Plate coach, Ramon Diaz and World Cup winner Oscar Ruggeri. No matter who is in charge, they can be safe in the knowledge that the strength in depth at their disposal should ensure that they make a far better showing in 2006 than in 2002.

183 Ranieri rotates Chelsea away f

me y’hear? Nothin’. If it weren’t for me you’d be editing
the readers letters in the Beano or somethin’. So keep it shut eh?



Ed: Er, yes Harry. But there was some good news – You had a Christmas no.1
with “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”



Flatcap: Did I? Did I really? A number one with those fekkers my so
called celebrity mates who are with me in the good times – But where are
they now eh?



Mr X*: Well I’m here for you Harry.



Mr Y*: No, we didn’t leave you Harry.



Mr Z*:



(* names concealed for fear of legal action)



Flatcap: Ah, thanks fellas! Yer the best, yer really are. Come here!
[lots of ‘touchy feely’ hugging and caressing can be overheard]



Ed: In fact, appearing as you did on Top of the Pops, in a clearly
emotional state, many people feel you helped guarantee the success of the
song this Christmas.



Flatcap: I was on Top of the Pops? Really? I remember singing the song in
front of a lot of people. Thought I was at a big party. Hic! I
r-r-remember thinking the words really meant something when I sung it just
after getting the sack.



Ed: Yes. You were lying flat out on the stage crying your eyes out.



Flatcap: Well it’s a very emotional song. And it was a big hit eh? So
should I get shome money now?



Ed: I think it all went to charity Harry.



Flatcap: Hurrgh! Typical! I’m deserving of charity. Me! When will some
charity help me out? God knows I deserve it…



Nikki: Mr. Flatcap? Louise says you must leave now. Here’s your bill.



Flatcap: What? Aarrrh! Er, I don’t remember ordering that!



Nikki: But I delivered it personally Mr. Flatcap.



Flatcap: Oh. Er, Ed? Are you sure I don’t get any of that money…Because I
think I may need it right now…Ed? Could you come and pick me and my
celebrity friends up, we’ve been told to leave. Er…could you bring your
cheque book also? Thanks Ed. Oh, Ed – When you put my column together –
Don’t forget to include that e-mail address of mine so that football
chairman can offer me jobs. So far the only people to use the e-mail
address are South Africans with politician relatives looking to siphon
billions of dollars into my bank account and e-mails from kinky women
offering me porn sites that may be of interest. Don’t know why they would
come to me….[sound of Harry falling of chair unconscious]



If you are a football chairman, South African fraudster, or a pornographer
you can contact Harry at [email protected]. However you don’t have
to fit into these categories to make contact – Feel free to send e-mails on
any subject (though he’s slightly more likely to understand it if it is
football related)



On behalf of Harry Flatcap, I wish you a happy new year!


Chelsea had three games over Christmas and New Year that could have seen them top the table. Unfortunately some manic squad rotation saw eight points dropped, including the defeat at Arsenal, and the virtual elimination of Chelsea from the title race. Having a big squad and rotating it, is seen by many as the way forward, a way to keep most members a bloated squad happy (except Winston Bogarde) but there are limits.



Chelsea have the Premiership’s most affable manager this side of Bobby Robson. Always ready to be modest and even smile following the gut-wrenching 3-2 reverse at Highbury. But his squad rotation policies of late, have threatened to turn an unexpectedly superb season into one of those what-might-have-been seasons that Chelsea fans are all too familiar with.



Over Christmas, Chelsea made seven changes then six changes, before another seven changes against the champions. What this did for team morale is anyone’s guess. But a dressing room with a sulking Gerald Hasselbaink in it can’t be pleasant at any time.



When Manchester United were reduced to the bare bones a few weeks ago, Alex Ferguson was forced to stop tinkering with his line up. Suddenly the results improved and a Championship challenge was launched. Back came the stars, out came the Christmas spirit and back game the defeats. Back-to-back defeats against Blackburn and Middlesbrough were nearly followed by disaster at home to Sunderland (perhaps Veron should consider a less slippy head polish). Squad rotation can be a tricky business.



Managers will always say that they have a big pool of players who need to be given games. Why have a big pool if many of the players won’t play from season to season? Why indeed. There seem to be so many squad members at the big clubs who have little role other than to fill out the pre-season squad photo and the reserve team bench.



Perhaps the old ways are still the best. In the seventies and eighties small squads of 15 or 16 were considered sufficient to win the title. One season Liverpool won the title by utilising only 13 players. What was important was the quality of the first 11, not whether your fifth choice centre-half could pass the ball, because you didn’t have a fifth choice centre half (if you needed another centre-half you played your centre-forward there like Birmingham did with Geoff Horsfield the other week).



These balmy old days allowed excitement to be spread around a little more liberally. In those days teams like Nottingham Forest, Ipswich Town or Aston Villa could be considered serious title challengers BEFORE the season started, people would genuinely bet money on them, even if they didn’t support them.



The reasoning behind big squads is simple. The managers create a pool of similarly talented players who are possibly a step behind the first team, but whose introduction to the first team won’t cause too much disruption. This theory is nice but Chelsea and Manchester United’s tinkering show that it is a flawed theory.



The recent moves by the 18 G-14 clubs (go figure) and the Nationwide clubs to introduce a salary cap could prove to be the answer. I have a sneaky suspicion that a salary cap won’t affect the salaries of the first team players overmuch, but will increase the pressure on clubs to reduce the overall squad size of first team players.



This process has already begun as Manchester United were hit by an injury crisis after offloading 10 squad players last year. The proliferation of loan deals from the big clubs is the last option before some tough decisions need to be made about actually offloading some of them.



Maybe a salary capped future won’t be as big a handicap on the smaller clubs as on the bigger ones. Clubs like Southampton have shown what a focussed small squad can achieve, and maybe Blackburn and Middlesbrough can also come through this season. Smaller squads and more shocks. Possibly, the early years of the Premiership being dominated by a handful of clubs will be looked back on as an aberration, as Nottingham Forest and Sheffield United battle it out for the 2010 championship. But only possibly.

182 Harry Flatcap has a number one

The pressures of office, the non-stop glare of publicity, the relentless drive for success at all costs. Just some of the everyday events that top managers have to deal with. In another privileged peek into the day to day life of an elite manager we find Harry Flatcap in a reflective mood.



(the following article was transcribed by the Square Football editor
directly from a telephone conversation that took place on Monday 30th
December)



Operator: Hello Louise’s den of latex lovelies, every whipping lavished with
care. Denise speaking, how can I help you?



Editor: Er, yes. I’ve been informed you may have a Mr. Harold Flatcap
currently residing at your premises?



Operator: ‘Arry Flatcap? Yeah, he might be ‘ere. Depends whose askin?



Editor: I’m the editor of squarefootball.net. You may have heard of me?



Operator: Don’t fink so. Aint you bin here before?



Editor: Er. No. Ahem. Is he there then?



Operator: Yeah, hes ‘ere. And will you tell ‘im – This ain’t no ‘otel – e’s
bin dossin darn ere for a week now.



The phone goes quiet whilst the operator goes to find Harry. All that can
be heard from time to time is a feint cracking sound and the occasional
“aargh!”.



Flatcap: [sounding very groggy] Urggggggh! Flatcap ere…whaddyouuwant?



Editor: Harry – You are contractually obliged to submit a report for this
weeks squarefootball.net. When can I expect it?



Flatcap: Get a tape recorder and I’ll give you something now.



Editor: OK Harry – Shoot!



Uurrrrgh! Where am I? What day is it? [away from phone] Nikki – Nikki
love, no love put it down, my dear – Get us a cup of coffee will you?
Thanks love [a cracking sound followed by a giggle can be heard].



So – Belch! - Let me see – What’s been happening to me over the last week?
What can I remember. First off was the scouse derby against Everton the
Sunday before Christmas. A bit of a strange atmosphere this one – Both sets
of fans were booing me as I took my place in the dugout prior to the game.
I blame the atmosphere generated by the fans for the poor performance by the
players. Equally Everton were just as bad, so I must be right on this one –
It was the fans fault. Nikki – More sugar please darling, yeah I’ll have a
full fry-up, thanks. Where was I? The fans. Definitely their fault,
though it didn’t affect Everton as much as they stole a 1-0 victory. So
I’ll blame the players to a degree as well. The fans, and then the players.
Definitely.



I seem to remember being on TV after the game defending the
young lad Gerrard after a ‘so-called’ X-rated tackle on an Everton player.
I firmly declared the tackle was fine, that the lad slipped, and that he’s a
good boy. He plays for England, he would never make such an awful challenge
that could seriously harm an opponent.



Then the TV company thrust a monitor
in front of me and played a video of the challenge. What could I say after
witnessing it live on TV? “I’ll sack him!” Was my immediate knee-jerk
reaction, which I hoped would earn me some brownie points within the media
after the game. I’d also begun tucking into my Christmas booze at this
stage…



Ed: Yes I saw the brandy bottle in your hand on the bench.



Flatcap: …so I guess I wasn’t in the best of minds to be making on-the-spot
decisions. I was shocked how quickly Stephens legal advisors were waving a
bit of paper entitled “Annulment of contract” under my nose to sign, and the
look of glee on Stephens face as he announced “I’m off to join a decent
Merseyside team.”



So then we had the board meeting the following day…er, gulp! Hang on a
minute [sounddof Harry running away from phone, sound of vomiting/retching,
sound of toilet being flushed]. Sorry, er, Nikki – Cancel that breakfast
love. Get me a Bacardi Breezer – Hair of the dog. The board meeting, yeah.
[sound of Harry gulping down Bacardi Breezer in one movement]. Nikki – That
feels better – Triple black Russian – Hold the ice. Thanks. [sound of Harry
necking drink straight down]. Same again Nikki [sound of Harry necking
drink straight down]. Aaaarrrh! Ferk! Now where was I? Parp! Yeah – The
board. The b-b-bloody b*****ds! They only went and sacked me! Sacked me!
The fuggin fuggers I tell yer they went and sacked me. So It’s just you and
me now Ed, against the world eh? ‘Cos yer my best friend Ed. I love you!
Nikki? Have yer got any spare change for some fags? Cheers love. I love
you, oooh yes I really do.



Ed: Er, Harry – You were sacked by Liverpool?



Flatcap: Yeah! The bluddy bluddy b******s sacked me y’know? Me! After
all I’d done for them. They treat me like this. I got them into the 2nd
phase of the champions league. I got them clear at the top of the league.
That was me! I did all that! And how do they repay me. The sack! [Harry
begins to blub like a baby at this point]. I don’t want to go back to the
managers refuge Ed! I can’t spend another day with Frank Clark and his
b-b-b-bluddy guitar! I was on a good thing here – Where did it all go
wrong?



Ed: I think it may be slagging off John Lennon, praising Man U fans, and
slagging off Scousers generally that didn’t help in addition to the stretch
of games without a win that has happened due to all the players putting an
average of 5 stones of weight on in the space of 1 month. The icing on the
cake in my opinion was allowing a £50m footballer to walk away from the club
without a transfer fee and immediately sign for Everton, of all clubs.



Flatcap: Eh? Y’what? Are you having a go now eh? Do you want some of me?
Yer fekkin fekker I’ll come down there and show you something. You’d be
nothin’ without

181 Transfer tittle-tattle

Now I'm sure we all enjoy reading speculation as to who might be about to sign up to join our club. Unfortunately, the reality is that, with a few exceptions, most of the transfer activity in the month ahead will almost certainly consist of a combination of swaps, loans, Bosmans and scavenging on poor relations from the Nationwide, particularly those recently relegated from the Premiership.



Even so, some of the proposed transfers we are supposed to believe are imminent are simply laughable! The fact that nobody has any real money available for squad strengthening seems to have been lost on many, with talk of nonsensical big money deals still filling the back pages of the tabloids on a daily basis.



Chelsea might still be in with an outside chance of the title, but are the board really going to sanction a big money deal for Claudio Lopez? I think not! Bolton have long been linked with a move for Julius Aghahowa. Was Sam Allardyce lucky enough to find £5 million in sixpences when he dug into his Christmas pudding? I've even heard that Luis Figo is seemingly destined for Sunderland! Perhaps the lure of trips to Grimsby and Walsall next season can swing that one for Howard Wilkinson? Leeds, despite debt levels that have brought down governments, have been linked with a £9 million bid for Wayne Bridge?! Yeah, and the Pope's put Lee Bowyer on a fast-track to sainthood.



To my knowledge, over the past couple of months, Leeds have been linked with bids for (wait for it) - Bridge (Southampton); Kleberson (Atletico Paranaense); Jamie McCombe (Scunthorpe United); Chris Riggott (Derby County); Jaap Stam (Lazio); Gareth Southgate (Middlesbrough); Alpay (Aston Villa); Heim Revivo (Fenerbahce); Muzzy Izzet (Leicester City); Michael Tonge (Sheffield United); Gabriel Milito (Independiente); Jens Jeremies (Bayern Munich); Jiri Jarosik (Sparta Prague); Luciano Figueroa (Rosario Central); Jason Gavin (Middlesbrough); Claude Makelele (Real Madrid); James Beattie (Southampton); Steve McManaman (Real Madrid); Paul Gascoigne (Jimmy Five Bellies Cash 'n' Carry); Josep Guardiola (Roma); Gianni Guigou (Roma); David Sommeil (Bordeaux); Darren Anderton (Tottenham); Adrian Jesus Bastia (Racing Club) and Khalilou Fadiga (Auxerre). Let's just see how many of these materialise shall we?



Will the likes of Bolton, West Ham and W.B.A. be prepared to gamble on their need to retain Premiership status against the liability of bringing in high earners on permanent deals that could damage their long-term financial stability? The idea of Fabrizio Ravanelli taking Derby County for £40,000 per week (before he graciously took a 25% pay cut) in the Nationwide has to be a cautionary tale.



Many have questioned the point in restricting player deals to set periods of the year in the first place. The idea of the transfer window was apparently to reduce the advantage of the bigger clubs over the rest and to encourage the opportunities given to younger players. Ironically, the window has come into being (or at least as far as the Premiership is concerned) at a time when financial sobriety has finally been forced upon the game anyway.



Even so, the European Commission never intended the system to be applied domestically in any case, suggesting that it will collapse if, and when, FIFA are legally challenged over its implementation. It's also difficult to comprehend the variations in how the system is used across the continent? One glaring example is in the French league, where clubs are entitled to one "joker" transfer in each closed period, whereas the rest of the major European leagues are stuck with dealing within the FIFA timeframes? Then there is the Ronaldo deal from Inter Milan to Real Madrid, which wasn't registered with UEFA until after the 31st August transfer deadline. I wonder why it wasn't vetoed?



The feeling that the transfer window could be a short-term handicap to Premiership managers might well prove to be correct.

180 Whose transfer window is it an

The transfer window popped into being last night like some kind of Pantomime Dame, but who wants it, and why does it exist? Nobody appears to want it, like it or even know how to use it properly. It is difficult to broach this subject without getting all little England but it does seem to be a European solution to a non-existent English problem.



A transfer window has been in operation to cover European games for a few years now. Given that when competing in Europe a level playing field is only fair, you can understand the concept. And more than that when Juventus bought Edgar Davids during the mid-European season transfer window a few years ago, and he propelled them to the final, you can even see the benefits that such a system brings. As Juve have seemingly tried to flog him ever since perhaps some of the pitfalls of quick fixes also become apparent.



But why has it been applied to the domestic game?



The Nationwide League don’t like it because it cuts off revenue. The smaller Premiership clubs don’t like it because they haven’t got the squad size to be able to cope with injuries and need to get players to plug gaps at short notice. And finally the top sides don’t like it because it upsets planning and happens when the season is more than half over and already shaped, and the players they want are ineligible for European football anyway.



Why does it adversely affect, say, the Dutch league if Birmingham City had been able to buy a centre-half to alleviate their crippling injury list. How can you expect Tel-Boy at Leeds United to wheel and deal when he is being forced to spend most of his free time coaching a load of free loading Australians.



When players palpably want to leave a club (like Lee Bowyer at Leeds or Alpay at Aston Villa) or when clubs desperately need to offload players (like Leeds or Chelsea) why should they have to wait for a predetermined window to sell. Why are clubs being forced to risk going bust waiting for an opportunity to sell a player, only to find they have so little time to do a deal that they have to accept a knock-down price. One of the good Derby players like Malcolm Christie or Danny Higginbottom could well be sold this month for one or two million. Given a freer market they would surely command fees of four or five million each.



Perhaps a reasonable compromise would be to allow the purchase of British only players from Nationwide League clubs, this would encourage scouting and might unearth some players that would otherwise have been overlooked. Players of the past like Keegan, Coppell, Waddle and Sharpe (not the soldier one, the one who might play Icelandic football) were all recruited from the football league. By reintroducing the habit of buying from the lower leagues the Premiership could alleviate some of the cash issues that beset non-elite English football.



And finally like good old Sven-Goran how can managers expect to maintain a bit on the side when they haven’t got the excuse of a ‘scouting mission’ or ‘checking out some young talent in Scunthorpe’ to fall back on. These Eurocrats are once again destroying a little piece of The British Way Of Life.