286 Is Keegan capable of taking ca

en accused of 'diving' to get Celtic a penalty against Kilmarnock), the at times 'over-physical' on-field antics of players such as Neil Lennon, Dianbobo Balde and Johan Mjallby, and the acts of several unnamed individuals, has undermined the standing of the club. And whether all or none of the offenders are brought to justice for their actions, even the most biased Celtic sympathiser should be able to see that after missing out on the championship and the UEFA Cup, the club bore all of its deficiencies and showed an inability to be respectful or stoical in times of disappointment'it was not a pretty sight.
Will Keegan stay when the money dries up? David Hulott doesn't think so.

When, in these financially trying times, a club with debts of £37 million are reported to have pledged to back their manager to the tune of a further £20-30 million to spend over the summer, the alarm bells should surely start ringing. When the club in question is Manchester City and the manager is Kevin Keegan, there should be a mad rush for the exits and a call to the International Rescue.

It's little wonder that former chairman David Bernstein and director Chris Bird opted to jump ship, as the signs were looking more than a little ominous for a club that always seem to give their astoundingly loyal supporters far more grief and heartache than is really good for them.

Now though, new Chairman and Chief Executive John Wardle has said that Keegan will be largely restricted to Bosman and loan signings. It's difficult to envisage Keegan being particularly happy, or indeed capable, at the idea of working under such restrictions. His modus operandi has always been a case of spend, spend, spend with regards to transfer dealings. History suggests that it has to be severely doubted whether he possesses the tactical acumen to mould those currently at his disposal into an outfit capable of challenging for Europe on a regular basis.

Remarkably, they could find themselves in UEFA Cup action next season as a result of the laughable Fair Play League. Although Sweden could still apparently pip us, England are currently in pole position to be awarded a place on the basis of our referees not giving as many free-kicks or cards as those in other countries (something for those who continually berate officials on radio phone-ins should perhaps consider?). Although only fifth in the national table, the four sides above them are already guaranteed European action next season, so City look set to sneak in via the cat-flap.

Despite the outlay under Keegan on new players at City, over £40 million in a couple of years, the club still look in need of major surgery if they are to progress. A replacement for Peter Schmeichel is an obvious requirement, but the whole defence looks badly in need of some major attention. The midfield is in need of a couple of decent holding players and the attack has actually gone backwards since the signing of Robbie Fowler.

Already, the man who did much to make Brut and bubble-perms what they are today (i.e. a laughing stock), has been linked with a number of players who, despite the fact that they wouldn't actually cost a penny in transfer fees, would certainly add a few million to the City wage bill over the course of the season. Whether the likes of David Seaman, Steve McManaman, Antoine Sibierski and Keith Gillespie are really the type of players that would be of any benefit to the side next season, never mind in the long-term, has to be doubted.

Seaman has had enough problems behind the England and Arsenal defence in recent times, so quite how he would cope with one featuring the likes of Richard Dunne and Steve Howey, who sometimes seem to possess less pace and have a bigger turning circle than that of City fans, and alleged funnymen, Bernard Manning and Eddie Large, doesn't bear thinking about! Dunne, Howey, Sylvain Distin, David Sommeil, Sun Jihai and Lucien Mettomo cost a little under £20 million between them and yet it has be considered unlikely in the extreme whether any of them would feature near the top of any wish list of Premiership manager seeking defensive reinforcements over the summer.

Now that Marc-Vivien Foe's loan deal has come to an end, City are trying to "do a Fowler" and re-negotiate his transfer fee down from Lyon's asking price of £7 million to somewhere in the region of £4 million. Even should they succeed in signing him on a permanent deal, the midfield still looks woefully unbalanced. The need for someone like Matt Holland to play the holding role is obvious to anyone other than Keegan it would appear.

The attack has been similarly expensively assembled, with Nicolas Anelka, Fowler, Paulo Wanchope, Vicente Matias Vuoso, Jon Macken and Darren Huckerby brought in at a combined cost of somewhere in the region of £35 million. Fowler's career is going downhill faster than a four-man bobsleigh team, Macken and Wanchope have both missed an entire season through injury and Vuoso's appearance record to date is equal to that of Britain's scororat last weekend's Eurovision Song Contest. Anelka is certainly capable of performing at the highest level but, given his temperament, he is always liable to go off in a sulk and demand a transfer.

Which brings us back to Keegan. A manager who hasn't exactly been renowned for hanging around when the going gets tough. Without the open cheque book that has followed him from Newcastle United to Fulham to his first two years at Manchester City, will he be prepared to stick around and be judged on his coaching ability? I foresee a vacancy in the Citizens' dug-out in the not too distant future.

281 Transfer blunders of the seaso

Goalkeeper
Mart Poom, Sunderland
Like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, Howard Wilkinson's final purchase in a long career in football manager was to buy a goalkeeper. Desperate for goals and midfield inspiration with Reyna injured, he spent £2.5m on a goalkeeper. And then didn't play him. Good keeper, bad decision.

Defence
Teddy Lucic, Leeds United
An inspirational purchase from the short reign of that Tango inspiration, the ever orange Terry Venables. A Swedish international, notionally a right footed midfielder, played him at left-back ' or was it the other way round? Never quite sure what Venables was doing as he sought a fast return to the TV studio where he at least talks a good game. Leeds have now released Teddy.

Rio Ferdinand, Manchester United
Cost £30m and suffered a series of injuries but didn't actually play that badly. Unfortunately for that much money in a transfer market that moribund he did not offer value for money. May be the most expensive defender for years to come ' and may struggle to live it down.

Pascal Cygan, Arsenal
French player of the year ' but lets face it, how many good French players actually play in France? Single handedly lost Arsenal the title with his ability to unsettle an otherwise decent defence. Has made Oleg Luzhny and Martin Keown look high quality ' which tells you everything.

Ferdinand Coly, Birmingham City
Dreadlocked deadloss. Was awful against Arsenal and subsequently didn't improve. One of the few duds of Steve Bruce's time at Birmingham, released at the end of the season.

Midfield
El Hadji Diouf, Liverpool
£11m badly spent. Perhaps like a lot of foreign imports his second season will be better than the first. He may have suffered a bit from being played out of position ' but then again a lot of players get that at Anfield. His spat at Celtic crowned a very mediocre season.

Lee Bowyer, West Ham United
We think he played for West Ham ' but there seems little enough evidence of his exploits. Yet he seems to have enough admirers for his agents to be touting around his services for a couple of million a year. Not been the same player since being found not guilty ' he was better on trial. But his touching loyalty to Leeds, who initially paid his legal fees, and West Ham, his boyhood team are a modern fairy tale.

Bruno Cheyrou, Liverpool
By common consent the worst purchase of Gerard Houllier's reign. Worse than Biscan, less effective than Heskey, less ball control than Traore. Nobody can surely be this bad but worst of all, how many people outside Merseyside even know he played 28 goals for Liverpool? Liverpool descibe him as Cheyrou is 'a lively and creative goalscoring left midfielder but can also play as a striker'. Yeah, right.

Paul Okon, Leeds United
Poor at Watford, another mystery Australian purchase from Terry Venables. His pace is ponderous, his passing is OK as long as he's given ten minutes to pick one and his goal threat is missing. Has reportedly stated he is unhappy at not being in the first team at Leeds. Unhappy ' someone's paying him as a professional footballer! As Terry would say, 'you're 'avin' a larf'.

Forwards
Robbie Fowler, Manchester City
Even at £6m Fowler barely troubled the scorers after his January transfer. Will he now be transferred in ever decreasing circles until eventually Tottenham will be interested ' at least then he will know it is time to retire.

Tore Andre Flo, Sunderland
How Rangers must have laughed to get £8m for this striker. His best days are so far behind him he cricked his giraffe-like neck looking for them around Christmas. Has scored on his debut for every club side he has represented, which suggests two things. Firstly, fans take at least two games to make their minds up and secondly the point he won against Manchester United stopped Sunderland finishing, humiliatingly last. What? Oh.

Manager.
The candidates are Peter Reid, Terry Venables, Chris Coleman and Mick McCarthy. And despite a late surge from big Mick, Terry Venables wins by a clichd mile. Took a genuine title challenging team to the brink of relegation, flogged a couple of players, took the morale high ground and escaped with a couple of million in his back bin. I'm getting nostalgic its just like the 80's again.

283 Is it time for Martin O'Neill

Is Martin O'Neill running out of challenges in Scotland?

They may have lost the UEFA Cup final in extra-time and the Scottish Premier League title by the narrowest of margins, but despite the lack of silverware engraved with the name of Celtic this season, it still has to be seen as one of progression for Martin O'Neill and his men. How many of us would have predicted that they would still have been in European competition at Christmas, never mind contesting a final in May? I certainly can't think of any other leagues where 97-points wouldn't be enough to have won the title by a hefty margin either?

But where do they go from here? Does anyone seriously think that Celtic are even remotely capable of challenging for the Champions League next season? They will have to come through two qualifying rounds, which could theoretically involve having to overcome the likes of Galatasaray, Dynamo Kyiv, Ajax or even AC Milan (should they fail to win the Champions League), just to reach the group stage.

Given the lack of TV revenue in Scottish football, due in no small part to its uncompetitiveness outside of the Old Firm clubs, they are never likely to be in a position to compete with the European giants when it comes to the transfer fees and salaries commanded by the world's elite players. In any case, even were they able to compete financially, would the likes of Ronaldinho, Djibril Cisse or Roy Makaay (all strongly linked with moves south of the border) be particularly thrilled at the thought of lining up against the likes of Kilmarnock, Partick Thistle or Motherwell on a regular basis? It has to be doubted.

With many of their key players - Neil Lennon; Johan Mjallby, Chris Sutton, Alan Thompson, Paul Lambert and the prolific Henrik Larsson - the wrong side of 30, the ability of the current squad to improve much beyond where they are now looks unlikely. With Larsson seemingly adamant that he will be leaving when his current contract expires at the end of next season, it is tempting to think that O'Neill might regard it as the ideal time to move on himself. Indeed, had the UEFA Cup run not taken them all the way to Sevilla this year, there has to be a serious doubt as to whether O'Neill would even be there now.

Despite what is a largely unblemished managerial record, there probably aren't many opportunities that would tempt O'Neill in the Premiership at present, even were he tempted to move on at the present time. Habitual suitors Leeds United have recently appointed Peter Reid, while another potential candidate, Aston Villa, recently opted for David O'Leary (himself seen in some quarters as O'Neill's eventual successor at Parkhead). Glenn Hoddle could be living on borrowed time at Tottenham, but ENIC look unlikely to sanction his dismissal yet, not with three years of his contract still to run anyway.

In reality, probably only the jobs at Old Trafford, Highbury or, perhaps, Anfield would offer O'Neill the opportunity to better his achievements in Scotland. That said, Sir Alex Ferguson looks increasingly determined to die with his boots on at Old Trafford, while it seems unlikely that Arsene Wenger would want to leave Highbury with his arch nemesis currently in pole position in their own worryingly puerile little game of name-calling and point-scoring against each other.

That leaves Liverpool, where Gerard Houllier must surely get his expensively assembled squad off to the proverbial flying start if he is still to be in charge by Christmas. If the call comes for O'Neill, it will surely be the right time for him to move back to the Premiership.

285 SPL: Bad winners and bad loser

Celtic have a lot of hard luck at the end of a long season, but James Prentice for one is not happy with their reaction.

Everybody who's anybody in football knows that the tabloids love to sensationalise events on and off the pitch at the country's top clubs. After all ' it's one of their chief marketing methods to make their papers hit the streets with an almighty wallop. Matters in Scotland are no different, and while the red tops have claimed many of the exploits of the Old Firm to be 'the most important for centuries', Monday's Daily Record was entirely realistic in describing season 2002-03 the 'most exciting title race of all time.'

The last year has seen Rangers crowned domestic champions while the Celtic came within touching distance of a UEFA Cup win. While this has undoubtedly raised the profile of Scottish football at home and abroad, recent unsporting behaviour on behalf of Celtic has threatened to take the shine off what has surely been the closest but most exciting campaign in living memory.

Since Rangers beat Dunfermline 6-1 last Sunday to confirm their 50th championship win by the slenderest of margins, Celtic's Chris Sutton has publicly accused Dunfermline of 'lying down' to Rangers, and Martin O'Neill's post-match comments after their last game of the season smacked of bitterness and an incredible lack of sportsmanship. As a result of Sutton's outburst, Dunfermline chairman John Yorkston has demanded an immediate apology as well as threatening legal action against the club and the player; should the Celtic striker escape punishment from an SFA disciplinary hearing, it would be one heck of a let-off.

However, as Celtic showed incredible animosity in berating their luck, the attitude of the Rangers team has been one of utmost respect and magnanimity. Manager Alex McLeish has publicly acknowledged Celtic's efforts, and believes that while Rangers were worthy winners, 'the dividing line between success and failure is so thin'. Rangers midfielder Ronald de Boer also spoke wisely, saying that the Parkhead club's exploits would probably have been rewarded any other season, which was a complete contrast to anything expressed in the East End of Glasgow.

In another twist in the tale, the Daily Record reported on Tuesday that Kilmarnock's goalkeeper Gordon Marshall ' who played for Celtic for much of his long career ' was told by the Bhoys' players during Sunday's match that he must help their cause by letting in as many goals as possible. After the game, when it was known that Rangers' triumph had won them the league by virtue of goal difference, the Celtic players attacked Marshall, telling him in no uncertain terms that he was a traitor to the club and had let them down. This understandably infuriated Marshall, especially as the game was his swansong and had been made Kilmarnock's team captain for the day as an acknowledgement of his service to the club. He told the Record, 'There are some Celtic players who I have no sympathy for. I was annoyed and outraged by some of the stuff that went on.'

At the final whistle, Marshall left the field to boos and jeers from Celtic's travelling supporters and received jibes from their players. However, the poor behaviour that has cast a shadow over the end of such an incredible season does not stop here. It has now emerged that after Kilmarnock refused to allow Celtic to take extra ball boys to Rugby Park to keep the ball in play for as long as possible, an anonymous letter was received by the Ayrshire side, which accused them of pandering to the needs of Rangers and behaving in an unfair manner as well as stating that Celtic would make Jim Jeffries's side pay for not letting Celtic have their own way by trouncing them on the last day of the season. This letter can only have been written by someone from within the football club, which asks many questions of Celtic's professionalism as a football club.

The row that has erupted after Celtic ended the season with no major honours seems to have been engineered to take off the shine off Rangers' winning campaign, and will have come as little surprise to most supporters from the blue half of Glasgow. I went on holiday to the Canary Islands in 2001, the summer after Celtic's treble-winning season, and was greeted by a sea of green and white. Many followers of Celtic had travelled over from Ireland to celebrate the title win throughout their holiday, though their behaviour left a lot to be desired and turned out to be disruptive and totally despicable.

There were a number of Rangers supporters that I met while in the Canaries ' all of who were congenial - and most of us could not walk down the street without being greeted with abuse from nearby Celtic supporters. Many were drunk, insulting to the locals and antagonistic towards Brits as well as Rangers fans, and gave the impression to many that when they have a significant win, Celtic Football Club simply cannot celebrate in style.

So, in light of recent events, Celtic are bad losers as well as having been bad winners. In press reports in addition to those mentioned, the Bhoys have claimed despite Rangers' triumphs, they are the better team in Scottish football. While the final league table proved that the two clubs have been close throughout the season, the bottom line is that Rangers have done marginally better on the pitch, and it is that which has won them the league.

The Holy Bible states that a man shall reap what he sows, and even though many now believe the Good Book to be archaic, the lesson taught certainly applies to Celtic's recent behaviour. While Martin O'Neill berated FC Porto for unsporting conduct after their UEFA Cup Final defeat, the behaviour of himself and Chris Sutton (who has be

284 European Cup Final preview 200

Will it be catenaccio as usual for the Champions League final?

An all Italian final was probably the least predictable result even when the quarter-final draw was made. But it is a final that may have the purists drooling ' but the neutrals will turn up very much expecting a low scoring match, with few chances perhaps settled by the first goal or even extra time and penalties. Or is this unduly pessimistic?

Juventus are the favourites because they have won Serie A at a canter. Lets forget being outplayed by Manchester United and the fact that they have defenders older and slower than Laurent Blanc because this doesn't appear to matter in Italy. Zonal defence, with a registi in front and not committing more than two men past the ball is the way to play. Its like Liverpool ' but duller.

To get to the final Juventus have beaten some good teams but have suffered from patchy away form ' a useful pointer for a neutral venue. Their home form has been excellent winning six, drawing the quarter final at home to Barcelona and being outplayed by a half strength Manchester United side in the second group phase. But away from home Juventus have managed just two wins in eight games ' at Kiev and crucially at Barcelona.

Missing their creative linchpin for Juve may be their undoing, whilst they are more prolific goalscorers in Europe than Milan, Nedved is their joint leading scorer with just 5 goals. On Wednesday if Del Piero (5 goals) and Trezeguet (4) can get an early strike then they could power Juve towards a third European Cup.

AC Milan have been ultra-professional in the group stages. They have taken the 1-0 to a new level of art form. It seems at times that if Milan go one nil up then the opposition seem ready to take the nets down and make some sandwiches for the after match meal

In both group phases Milan won their opening four fixtures to immediately qualify before fielding weakened sides that did less well in the dead rubbers. Incredibly seven of these eight wins were by a single goal, and four by winning 1-0. Milan have scored just 21 goals to get through 16 games to qualify for the final, but have only failed to score three times.

If the game involves goals then Juventus should win, they have scored 30 goals in getting to the final and have only been shut out by Newcastle United and Manchester United ' so perhaps they will be pleased they are not facing attack minded opponents. A tighter game will surely favour Milan. Milan have scored only 21 and conceded only 14 goals in the sixteen Champions League proper games ' showing that when they get a lead - they keep it.

The odds favour Juventus, and it is likely that they will attack Milan and go for the early breakthrough that could leave Milan with too much to do. But I favour Milan to weather the storm, score mid-way through the second half and complete a famous one-nil victory. One-nil is the most popular final scoreline after all.

N.B.

This could be the game to bring the word catenaccio into the English Lexicon. A word reminiscent with the Italian game in the 1950's and 60's. In 1955 Vittorio Gassman interpreted Shakespeare's Hamlet with Italian football in mind regarding the fear of defeat (and possibly relegation to Serie B). Plus ca change ' as the Spanish might say.

B or not B, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The goals and penalties of outrageous refereeing,
Or to resort to the catenaccio against a sea of adversaries
And, by opposing, severely bruise them. To defend—to limit,
No more; and by obstructing to say we end
The heartache of the goalkeeper and the thousand irregular charges
That retrocession is heir to. To dodge, to dribble;
To dribble, perchance to draw; ay, there's the point
That may save us from the B,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No team returns.

Thanks to Brunel University for the educational bits.

www.brunel.ac.uk/faculty/arts/EnterText/hamlet/Tempera.pdf

282 Are Spurs fans looking forward

Tottenham fans are not overly optimistic about the new season and Chris Laker looks to capture their mood.

Tottenham are 150/1 to wrestle the Premiership title away from Manchester United next season, a price that may seem long, but the bookies are actually being surprisingly generous.

Glenn Hoddle's side have had a nightmare campaign, despite topping the table early on and playing some attractive football, they fell away quicker than Alex Higgins at an all-night bar.

Missing out on Europe will hit the White Hart Lane club badly, and they'll find it even more difficult to attract top players than they did last pre-season.

The crunch time for Hoddle may lie in whether he can offload many, or any of his squad in a bid to add to the reputed £8m Chairman Daniel Levy has freed up.

This though is where the problem lies. Where can you find clubs in such a poor state of mind that they'll sign Steffen Iversen, Milenko Acimovic, Goran Bunjevcevic, Mauricio Taricco and the like?

Iversen for a start has failed dismally throughout his Tottenham career. Bought by Gerry Francis what seems like 50 years ago, the Norwegian striker has been beset by injury problems and facing up to the somewhat depressing fact that he doesn't cut the mustard as a prolific goalscorer.

Acimovic meanwhile looks like a typical Tottenham player. Fancy, quick feet and nice to watch. But for all this, he hasn't come anywhere near to gaining a regular starting spot, even being replaced by Kazuyuki Toda, the Japanese international signed half because he was dirt cheap and half as a marketing stunt.

Bunjevcevic and Taricco are of a similar ilk. They are versatile, no frills and can do a steady job. Unfortunately this is the type of player Hoddle has to go for in today's game. Long gone are the days of parading quality world-class performers like Jurgen Klinsmann to the fans.

Reports linking Leeds' Mark Viduka with a Spurs move must be way off the mark as he can take his pick of top Italian sides rather than transfer to a club with less going for them than his current one.

It could also be time for some more established players to be sold on. Teddy Sheringham is already off the wage bill, so Darren Anderton, Chris Perry and Gary Doherty should follow him, while Stephen Carr seems destined to go the way of Sol Campbell next year when his contract expires, entitling him to a big-money free transfer.

This pre-season will provide an interesting insight into how far Hoddle can take his beloved club. It will be no good saying you want Morientes, Crespo or Salas like last year and then getting Qu Bo of China, it won't wash with supporters who have already begun to get restless.

280 Ashley Michael's review of the

With the season over for everyone bar Milan and Juve, Ashley gets reflective.

With the evenings getting longer, the weather getting a bit warmer and the arrival of cricket on TV it can mean only one thing: the end of the football season. It seems only a matter of weeks since Spurs were looking down from the top of the Premiership table and Arsene Wenger was talking about Arsenal going the whole season unbeaten and yet now the trophies have been shared out amongst the usual suspects and it's dog walking time again for Roy Keane.

It seems only sensible at this point to make up a series of random awards and hand them out. So here goes.

Most pointless signing of the season:

Some strong contenders here. El Hadji Diouf at least reminded everyone he exists by spitting at Celtic fans whereas Bruno Cheyrou may as well have had "ANON" written on the back of his shirt. Jesper Blomqvist continued his comeback from his knee problems by nearly getting a game at Charlton and Manchester United new boy Ricardo showed his class by conceding three penalties in his handful of appearances.

The winner by a distance though has to be Paul Okon. Unable to make the grade at Watford, he found himself the cornerstone of Terry Venables' midfield and Leeds found themselves in the bottom four. Coincidence? No (although the rest of the team were rubbish as well).

Biggest disappointment of the season:

It's a lot of fun when you win it (which is obviously easier for a Manchester United to say than, for instance, an Exeter City fan) but the FA Cup final is always a rubbish game and this year was no exception. One scrappy goal, a decent save from David Seaman and that's your lot. Burnley 4 Watford 7 it wasn't.

Merit Award for services to comedy:

Kolo Toure's remarkable own goal against Aston Villa, very much in the style of a kid playing football for the first time, should not be allowed to slink away into the shadows and neither should Jerzy Dudek's role in the 'Forlangate' affair at Anfield. Special mention must also go to Peter Enckelman for conceding a goal direct from a throw-in in an incident reminiscent of an episode of Chucklevision.

The winner though is the now sadly retired David Elleray for allowing said goal. Did Enckelman touch the ball? We've all seen the replay countless times and the answer is clearly no. David Elleray knows a thing or two about comedy though and let the goal stand. Football will be a more dour, pompous affair without him.

Champagne moment of the season:

It would be nice to give this award to the moment when Arsene Wenger ripped off his tie in the game against Bolton, looking remarkably like Bruce Banner in his last few pre-Hulk seconds, but it has to go to Peter Schmeichel's incredible save against Liverpool when he denied Diouf, Baros, gravity and his ageing limbs, all in the space of two seconds. Too old? In a word, probably not. Enjoy your retirement Peter. You'll probably get a bit more peace and quiet at home than you did this season, playing behind Richard Dunne.

So there you have it. Another season done and dusted. Some old faces are leaving us (farewell Laurent, we hardly knew ye) and some new ones will be coming through to replace them. I feel all nostalgic now. Anyone for a game of cricket?

279 UEFA Cup Final preview

Celtic and Porto to fight out the first of this seasons European tournament finals.

Celtic versus Porto may not exactly set your pulses racing especially given the reduction of the tournament to little more than a shield competition. But this is the classic contest of youth versus experience. Martin O'Neill's mature (you could say old) team versus the exciting young team being developed by one of the younger coaches in top level European football ' Jose Mourinho.

This was very nearly an all Oporto final but Boavista were so devoid of ambition when at home whilst level in the tie (but going through on goal difference)

Celtic have got to the final by winning a series of ties where they were the apparent underdog. Every time Celtic have been portrayed as an underdog they have had good breaks to get an opening goal and have followed this up with determined play to close the game out.

Celtic's run in the UEFA cup this season has seen 8 wins, 2 draws and 3 defeats (plus a win and defeat in the Champions League qualifier failure). As Celtic have been beaten 3 times it shows that league systems or straight knockout systems are not that different in reality. Defeats can be recovered from and knockout tournaments can have dead games, like the return leg after Celtic beat FK Suduva 8-1 at home.

Celtic have struggled through some rounds but have still scored 25 goals and conceded only 9 and have bagged some notable scalps. Beating Blackburn home and away and beating Liverpool at Anfield may have caught the eye in England, but tough ties against Celta Vigo, Stuttgart and Boavista mean that Celtic are in the final the hard way ' through beating good teams.

Porto on the other hand have had a fairly serene time in qualifying for the final. Five times out of six Porto have won the first leg. On four of these times by 3 or more goals, effectively ending the tie there and then and on the fifth occasion winning the away leg first before doubling the advantage at home.

Only once have Porto flirted with elimination. This was by losing the home leg to Panathanaikos 1-0. Porto were forced to play some nerve-wracking football to eventually prevail 2-0 in Greece, and given Panathanaikos's usual home form in Europe this was a some shock.

Maybe Porto will be dulled by their relatively easy passage, but the way they dispatched Lazio 4-1 and 0-0 in the semi-final this would be a dangerous delusion for Celtic fans. This is a tough, tactically excellent team that is fighting for a coach who is being tipped for a move to a big league ' possibly back at Barcelona where he has worked for Bobby Robson and Louis Van Gaal.

This should be a closely contested final between top teams in mid-standard leagues. This is also a fascinating taste of the often discussed 'Atlantic League' where a number of teams from the second tier of European football leagues join up to create an alternative to the 'big five' of England, Spain, Italy, Germany and France.

It is easy to make a case for either team but Celtic do seem to be at their best in Europe in the tight corners they invariably find themselves in. I expect Celtic to concede a goal but get a late equaliser to take the game into extra time. This is such a balanced final that a penalty shoot-out seems quite likely ' and then it's anyone's guess.

278 Premiership team of the season

Where were the bargains found from the transfers last season?

The world and his tabloid editor are cranking up the transfer speculation background noise to deafening. We look back at which transfers that have made a real difference in the past season and the team we’ve come up with is pretty tasty.

Goalkeeper
Antti Niemi, Southampton
Just clears Peter Schmeichel as the goalkeeper of the season and given his ability the only real question that comes to mind is ‘How has he been this well hidden this long?’. If he had played every league game and maintained his goals conceded per games pattern Southampton would have conceded 36 goals just two more than the champions.

Defence
Matthew Upson, Birmingham City
The man who cost Arsenal the championship or after almost six seasons of waiting a player in a hurry to have a career? Everyone seems to have a simple opinion of Upson, but he now has an England call-up and his career is upwardly mobile – something that may never happened at Arsenal. Given that Arsene Wenger has bought 14 players who have played in defence for him – how he failed to give Upson a decent shot is mystifying.

Michael Svensson, Southampton
The other reason why Southampton had one of the best defensive records in the Premiership. Svensson may have missed Southampton’s best chance in the Cup Final but he has been a model of consistency and has shown that Gordon Strachan is a very shrewd transfer technician.

Florent Laville, Bolton Wanderers
Has offered the platform for Bolton’s survival that would not have been credible if Sam Allardyce had not shored up his defence. His risible dismissal against Arsenal was one of the few blots on an otherwise assured few months at The Reebok.

Joseph Yobo, Everton.
His season tailed off due to lingering injury but he was excellent as Everton built the platform for UEFA Cup qualification, only to throw it away on the last day. If Everton complete his £5m purchase then they can look to progress next season, as Yobo looks good enough and young enough to become very, very good.

Midfield
Jay-Jay Okocha, Bolton Wanderers
A free transfer who had originally cost PSG £15m and has wowed everyone with his ability and attitude. Could the era of the Carlos Kickabout be over. Possibly, but this lavishly gifted player has found a home at this club – perhaps that’s the difference. Whatever, lets hope he stays at Bolton and resists the temptation of a bigger club that will disillusion him and bring him full circle. The Premiership needs him.

Robbie Savage, Birmingham
Not a popular choice with anyone is our Robbie, but he is a dynamo on the pitch – a kind of defensive David Platt (not the one on Coronation Street). Not many fans would admit it but he would get in all but two of the midfields the Premiership can currently offer. £2.5m – a bargain.

Jason Koumas, West Bromwich Albion
Various clubs seem to have been chasing Koumas, but only West Brom gave him a shot at the Premiership. He seemed to be holding out for Everton but that pipedream disappeared and he settled in the black country. An aggressive, bombing midfielder who can play at a higher level. An England call-up would surely have been the result if he had played at a London club – but Mark Hughes saw the potential and quickly got him in a Welsh shirt. Don't discount another Premiership team going in for him as soon as the transfer window opens.

Marc-Vivien Foe, Manchester City
Creative and destructive player and goalscorer. A complete midfielder, who apparently is now too expensive for City to buy. His goals in the sticky mid-season patch stabilised the promoted team around him and enabled City to kick on into a top half team. West Ham sacrificed Foe to buy Kanoute, good player that Kanoute is – it was the wrong decision.

Forwards
Robbie Keane, Tottenham Hotspur
A classic Tottenham player, won’t score 30 goals but will get 10 great ones. An entertainer, with pace and ability, seems to swap clubs most seasons and if Tottenham nosedive next season he may move on again – but he leaves behind admiration for his, at time, breathtaking talent.

Christoffe Dugarry, Birmingham City
May not have got too many goals, but his presence in the Birmingham side has given them the stability to go on a run that has seen them finish in a mid-table slot. A classy player that will score plenty more if he sticks around.

Some contentious decisions, no Les Ferdinand, no Rio Ferdinand, no Pascal Cygan... perhaps a worst Premiership transfers team is in order?

277 Simon Lofts Review of The Seas

Simon Lofts review of the season benefits from distance.

You might like to work out how many points your side took off each of the other teams. I did this for Leeds and discovered that they got six off West Ham, so those games really were significant. They got nothing at all out of only Liverpool and Blackburn. For some reason the word 'inconsistent' springs to mind!

Between them Manchester United and Arsenal only lost 11 games. Leeds beat them both, a feet that was bettered by Blackburn who did Arsenal twice and ManU once. ManU's home defeat by Bolton was probably the least likely of all these.

So it looks as though the old adage that you can't win The Premiership if you lose 6 matches has once again been supported. Blackburn took the biscuit in 94/95 when they lost 7 times, ManU have lost six but won the title twice, and Arsenal did exactly this in 97/98. The old adage was actually on its last legs!

This season I've seen no live Premiership games and fewer matches than usual on TV, (The most disappointing being Barcelona v Real Madrid, which I watched on the Hispanic version of ESPN in Panajachel, Guatemala.) But here, anyway, are a few observations:

Very few teams are brilliant throughout the season, and not many are completely useless every time they turn out. When Arsenal beat Leeds 1-4 in September they looked quite useful. Somebody, (Wenger perhaps?) started talking about them being unbeaten all season, and from there on things started to go wrong. Was this hubris? When Leeds, by that time really struggling, won 0-3 at Bolton I thought that Bolton were doomed. Leeds weren't particularly good, Bolton were hopeless (but not literally, as it turned out).

Real Madrid have completely lost their way in La Liga, having looked at one stage the only team likely to deny Arsenal the Champions League. Meanwhile in Italy...

Teams go off the boil due to key injuries, shock defeats, and the loss of form of key players. This is obvious. But what can a manager do to turn a string of bad results around? (Often he's not given the chance to do anything except pack his bags.) Alex Ferguson must know the answer to this question.

One of the infuriating things about ManU is their ability to win away. I suspect that they still attract the top gates on their travels, which makes the game more important than usual for the home side and thus increases the pressure on them, whereas ManU are used to the 'extra' atmosphere. They usually thrive on it. Thus ManU may actually benefit from their popularity. I doubt it this is worth more than a couple of points a season, and if this is the case, so be it. Success tends to breed success.

I expect that Alex Ferguson will be looking to reduce their dependence on Van Nistelrooy. He is a phenomenal goal-scorer, this season responsible for just over a third of their league goals. (But this statistic backfires on me because Henry and Owen have both got similar ratios, whilst Beattie's is over 50%.) One way of doing this would be for Ruud to wear blinkers! (insert your own joke here!) I don't expect Barthez to be in goal next season. Although the papers raved about Ronaldo after the clashes with Real Madrid, the key difference was Casillas's obvious superiority. Arsenal also need a goalkeeper, and I'd like to see Jeffers and Parlour play more, simply because I believe that Premiership sides should always contain a few British players.

The 'Beckham to Madrid' story may run and run, if only because it sells newspapers. In Spain Beckham would be just another big fish in a big pond, instead of (according to some) the creator of the pond itself. He might prefer that.

I'm going to bury my head in the sand, and not pay any attention to football until The Premiership restarts, (apart from looking at squarefootball from time to time to see whether anyone actually reads this!) But I aim to do this every year and they always manage to sell me a newspaper or two.

273 Harry Flatcap ends the season

An end of season farewell for Harry.

Hello and welcome to the last edition of this season of the managers notes from me Harry Flatcap. It’s probably just as well this is my last edition for a while as I’m currently out on bail facing charges arising from a couple of incidents at City’s last ever game at Maine Road.

Being a wheeler-dealer old school ducking and diving football manager when I heard that tickets for the game against Southampton were changing hands at upwards of £300 I decided I needed to have a bit of that. As the crowds began to build outside the ground I spotted an unsavoury looking individual who was bellowing out in a Mancunian accent

‘Any spare tickets?’

I approached him immediately with the 5 complimentaries I was allotted by the club only for this chap to reveal himself as an undercover policeman attempting to stamp out ticket touting at the ground. Just my luck! Before I could mutter “Do you know exactly who I am?” my head was thrust downwards and I was pushed forcibly towards a waiting police van and whisked to the local cop shop.

The duty sergeant booking me in asked me my name.

“Flatcap”

I responded.

“What, Harry Flatcap, City manager?”

“Yes. That is me. And I’m desperately needed to prepare for a football match and nobody knows I’m here. Please could you charge me and get me back to Maine Road pronto?”

“Well you’re in luck Mr. Flatcap. I happen to be a United fan, and I’m more than keen to ensure you’re at Maine Road in time to take charge.”

The policeman was as good as his word. I was charged immediately, given a police escort, and plonked back outside the front gates of Maine Road.

By now there was a real carnival atmosphere outside the stadium, and it was only 1.30pm – An hour and a half before kick off. The crowd built up heavily outside the main entrance as fans revelled in the excitement of the big leaving party. As I jostled my way through to the entrance I noticed our soon to be departing Bermudan legend Shaun Goater struggling his way across the car park as the man was given a heroes welcome. I tried to attract his attention though it was hard due to the volume of noise the fans made singing ‘FEED THE GOAT AND HE WILL SCORE!’

“Shaun! Shaun!”

“Hello boss! Special day eh?”

“What are you still doing out here – You should have reported at the ground at 1pm. You’re late.”

“I’m sorry boss, but it’s been mad out here. The fans are going crazy about me. This mob were waiting outside my house and all the streets were lined with well-wishers all the way to the ground. I set off 2 hours ago, and I only live 10 minutes away!”

“You know the rules Goater. No excuses. You’re fined a weeks wages and out of the team.”

Suddenly and amazingly the cheering noise ceased as my announcement kicked in. You could hear a pin drop. Slowly a couple of dissenters with broad Manc accents suddenly found their voice.

‘Y’ear that – He’s dropped the Goat.’

‘He can’t do that – Let’s get him!’

I had to run for my life as the mob went wild, hurling bricks that just
seconds previously they’d chipped out of the ground as a souvenir. I knew where to go, and threw myself back into the same police van that just half an hour ago had sped me to the cop shop. The van sped off back to the nick and once again I found myself in front of the duty sergeant.

“What’s he done this time PC Ridsdale?”

“Incited a crowd, enticed a riot situation. I’ve captured the whole thing on my video camera with me narrating the whole story. It started off with members of the public coming up to me and congratulating me on what a great job I was doing…”

There was something strangely familiar about this copper.

Once again, I was charged, bailed, and driven at speed back to Maine Road, and to ensure I got in safely this time I had to wear a mask that had been rustled up from a local shop selling novelties for the big days celebrations. Arriving in the ground looking like Osama Bin Laden was certainly not in the script for today.

Once inside the ground a fluttery secretary bounded up to me. The chairman wants you – His office – Now! I bound up to his office and entered. The chairman was on the phone as I wandered in.

“…So I don’t know where the useless bugger is…Can you get Posh Spice? She seemed to know what she was doing, think we may have got rid of the wrong one there…eh…Hang on a mo, e’s ‘ere now. Harry – Where the f**k ‘ave you been? Never mind now – What’s all this ‘bout dropping the Goat? The lads in tears. I’ve bought him a bloody farewell crystal vase with the words ‘SHAUN GOATER YOUR LAST EVER GAME FOR CITY 12/5/03, LOVE FROM ALL OF US’. Now yer not telling me I’ve wasted my money on this vase are yer? It was very expensive. The lads got to play. You ere me? And one more thing Harry. Did I, or did I not, specifically tell you you couldn’t invite some of yer mates to the ‘City legends’ parade? The procession of City legends has just taken place in front of the crowd and it was a laughing stock. Why on earth did you think that next to players such as Bell, Lee, and Summerbee that City fans would want to show their appreciation to players such as Steve Daley, Ged Brannan, Lee Bradbury, Jason van Blerk, Bobby Shinton, and Martin ‘Buster’ Phillips?”

“Well, they all played me for when I first managed the club, I thought they worked very hard and ran around a lot.”

“Harry in your first spell you lost 15 games on the trot and the club calculated that against the board, management, and players we received a total of 1,234,785 letters of complaint, 15,937 ripped up season tickets back through the post, and 732 death threats. Why you thought that I’ll never know. Anyway, we haven’t got time to deal with this now. Just go and sort out that bloody expensive rabble you call a football team and get me 3 points eh?”

I decided now wasn’t the best time to point out that I was also faci

276 FA Cup Final preview - Arsenal

Favourites, but missing key players.

Arsenal are favourites and rightly so. Even missing Sol Campbell and Patrick Vieira, missing through suspension and injury this Arsenal team should still be too good for Southampton. But this promises to be a close Cup Final, with two suspect defences there should be plenty of goals – but Arsenal should win the shoot out.

Thierry Henry is crucial for Arsenal. His pace, goal threat and even his set pieces are a great package. But allied to this he has as many assists as he has goals. This makes him the best forward in English football – if not necessarily the best striker. Although many journalists recanted given van Nistelrooy’s late season goal run, Henry remains a special, individual talent that should have been recognised and rewarded as player of the year.

Ashley Cole could easily be overlooked as a key player. As a full-back he gives this Arsenal team width when its notional wingers, Ljungberg, Pires and Wiltord drift inside. Pacy and always willing to get forward, he is increasingly a threat in the box – his deflected shot got the equaliser against Manchester United at Highbury. Despite not being a traditional defender, with his pace he is rarely caught out of position and he is crucial to the way that Arsenal play. A Cup Final goal for the only Arsenal trainee to make the grade under Wenger is not out of the question.

David Seaman has a late fitness scare – but will surely play. This could well be his last major match, and conceivably this could be his last competitive match. After a thousand competitive matches he is still capable of breathtaking stops like the semi-final save from Peschisolido, but increasingly he is prone to injury and offering attackers the odd half chance from parries. Like Peter Schmeichel he is a great of the English game and like Schmeichel no-one knows how much pain he is in after a match. But ‘Safe Hands’ will still be critical because Arsenal’s defence will certainly offer Southampton a few chances.

The final musketeer is Robert Pires. He may be transferred in the summer but on his day he is irrepressible. He is not as consistently effective this season as last, but this could well be the hangover from his knee injury. A smooth runner with quick feet and a blisteringly accurate shot, Pires would have fitted into Tottenham’s push-and-run side of the early sixties as easily as the Real Madrid side of today. One of the simplest players in English football he would find a role in every top division club. A match winner, but will he perform just one more time for Arsenal?

Arsenal, just like Southampton, have a rickety defence. In Arsenal’s favour is that they have more outfield players who are capable of exploiting any defensive shortcomings.

Arsenal, despite missing some big players, should still win this game six times out of ten. The talk of an upset is only realistic if Arsenal play below their potential. At their best this Arsenal team will win, but if they are anything below their best they could be on the end of the final shock result of a disappointing season.

Despite the protestations of Vieira and Wenger Arsenal have proved to be second best over the past two months. If they carry their form into the Cup Final they will lose. But there are fewer shocks, in the final, than is commonly believed and the favourite usually does prevail but the odds on Arsenal retaining the cup do not match their true chances and Arsenal offer little betting value. Arsenal to win 4-2.

275 FA Cup Final preview - Southam

Southampton are rank outsiders but should not be outclassed.

Given the overall quality of the Premiership, no team that finishes in the top half can be devoid of quality. Indeed Southampton boast three players who could be regular England players if they played for more fashionable clubs. Southampton certainly offer the value in betting terms and are probably the least fancied team with a genuine chance since Everton beat Manchester United eight years ago.

James Beattie is easily the most prolific English goalscorer around, the only competitors are Alan Shearer, who has retired from the international game and Michael Owen who is a fixture at international level. Going into the final weekend he was one goal behind the eventual golden boot winner Ruud van Nistelrooy. Like Thierry Henry, Beattie takes penalties and free-kicks and is equally effective from set pieces. A long-range free kick, just before half time, pulled Southampton level against Arsenal at St Mary’s and was the basis for their eventual victory. Beattie is a spectacular finisher as well as an accomplished box player showing that he is now very much a complete centre forward. In the past he has tended to score in spurts before going on long goal-less streaks, but with this fault now cured he must be expecting to score against Arsenal’s rickety defence on Saturday.

Wayne Bridge is unfortunate that he has come to prominence at the same time as the outstanding Ashley Cole – his opposite number on Saturday. Bridge may be a better defender but Cole is a decent defender and a bigger threat going forward. Bridge has suffered an injury this season, which would not be news for say, Wes Brown, but Bridge was set to play about 1000 consecutive games before the set back. Consistent, international quality and rarely injured the only surprise is that one of the Premiership big spending clubs haven’t made a big offer for him. He could be key to keeping Pires under wraps in the final.

Matt Oakley as a combative midfielder should by now have an full England cap to go with his four under-21 caps . But again the England managers preference for players that have European experience counts against him. Oakley is a similar player to Stephen Gerard at Liverpool, but without the extra touch of class that the scouser has. With the exposure that this game affords Matt Oakley should sieze his opportunity and could break into the England team if he can bottle up Gilberto.

The Southampton goalkeeper was desperately unlucky not to be named as the Premiership goalkeeper of the year as it must have been a photo finish between him and Brad Friedel. A fabulous shot stopper who as come to prominence as a result of Southampton’s great cup run and excellent league form. He may not have been nearly so busy if he had a pair of centre-halves in front of him who were better than merely average.

Southamptons excellent spine of Niemi-Oakley-Beattie is let down by the lack of a high quality centre-half. The newer Svensson may become excellent but his form can be patchy and Higginbottom has not settled yet. Defence is surely Southamptons weak spot as they have a combative yet creative midfield and a top-drawer centre forward, with the option of Ormerod from the bench.

Form is sticky at the moment as a number of players have been rested ahead of the Cup Final, including the 6-1 debacle at Highbury. But on their day this is an aggressive team that can play football. If Arenal think they only have to turn up to win then Southampton will win. If both teams are at the top of their games then it will be close because Arsenal are missing key players – but Arsenal should shade it. Southampton will win this match 4 times out of ten.

274 Age ain’t nothin’ but a number

ng
police charges as a result of the days events.

And so on to the game. Against my better judgement I allowed Goater to play, and he was rubbish. We lost 1-0 as the rest of the players were equally rubbish. After the game I wanted to chuck a few tea cups around, just to let the players know I was not happy. Unfortunately I wasn’t looking too carefully at what I was doing and to my horror as it bounced off the dressing room wall in a million pieces I realised I’d hurled the crystal vase that was to be presented to the Goat in a few moments time on the pitch by the chairman. The flustered secretary rushed off to break the news to the chairman, who was already striding onto the pitch, mic in hand, about to request the re-emergence of the Goat from the dressing room. To be fair to the chairman, he handled it really well as his mic went live just as the secretary was briefing him.

“ Wha! Yer f***in’ jokin’! Er, hello Maine Road! Hope yer enjoyin’ yer big day. As y’know, it’s the Goats big day today, as he leaves us today. So we’d like to give him a token of our appreciation.”

At this point the Chairman flustered through his pockets as Shaun stepped back on to the pitch to a riotous welcome.

“Shaun, as a token of our appreciation I’d like you to accept this 20 quid note.”

It was then the turn of the players to do a lap of honour and the clubs PA announcer thrust the mic towards me to give me a chance to say a few words.

“City fans! Enjoy your party! It would have been nice to leave Maine Road on a high, but we didn’t because this team is crap!”

The players stopped applauding the fans and then suddenly turned their gaze on me.

“But fear not City fans – I’m going to flog these lazy underachievers and bring in some big lads who can run around and tackle. I hope you will show more appreciation for what I’m trying to do here then. See you next season.”

I noticed the Chairmans henchman, Dennis Tueart, making a slit throat sign in my direction. Clearly he understands my feelings that we need to take extreme and drastic action within the club. The players didn’t seem to agree though, as they began chasing me off the field whilst an array of fixtures and fittings hitherto wrenched away from the stadium as souvenirs suddenly flew around my head. There was only one thing for it, I dashed straight out of the ground and back into that police van.

And so I come to the end of an eventful season. I have a board meeting to attend tomorrow which I expect will confirm the millions of pounds I expect to be able to spend this summer. That’s assuming I manage to stay out of the nick when my court case is heard. The thought has crossed my mind that perhaps a disappearing act may be the best course of action, so I can’t say for certain if my contract will be renewed for next season by SquareFootball. We shall see.

Enjoy the summer. If you can offer free legal advice, know of how I change my identity, can recommend any players that would fit the bill at City or can advise how I can get through a summer without football then please contact me on [email protected]. I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best

HarryThirtysomething should not mean imminent retirement

As healthy lifestyles increase in popularity and medical advances continue to be made, the general population increases in age. 50 is the new 40, apparently. And in footballing terms, 35 is definitely the new 30. It was not so long ago the you could regularly read interviews with new thirtysomethings who would passionately argue that, despite popular belief, they had ‘one or two seasons’ left in them.

Thankfully, the general perception is changing regarding the game’s elder players. But not quickly enough. Some fans and, more significantly, some managers are guilty of assuming that a player must be on the decline because he is in his mid-thirties. This is not necessarily the case. Or, even if deterioration is apparent, it depends on how good you were at your peak whether you can still make the grade. Alan Shearer may not be as good as he was in his Blackburn days. And that’s only a maybe. But to argue that he should be overlooked because he is no longer at his peak and is in his thirties would be ludicrous. The latest blinkered manager is Glenn Hoddle, who is casting aside Teddy Sheringham, one of his better and most popular players, and along with Robbie Keane, his club’s joint top scorer. How many young players at the club are going to be denied the expertise and invaluable experience of one of England’s most intelligent players? False economy, surely.

There is a feeling still perpetuated by the ageists, unwitting or not, that once a player reaches 30 you must simply cover your eyes and wait for his imminent, undignified demise. Players should be picked on their ability to perform and not simply discarded with the explanation ‘Well, he is 33 after all’. Financial straits and other exceptional circumstances aside, a player should only be put on the scrap heap when he can no longer make the team on merit. And even if he isn’t a first-choice pick anymore, not only could he be useful when the inevitable injuries and suspensions kick in but the knowledge and experience that a respected pro can hand down to younger members of team is priceless. It might be seem to be financially prudent to release the oldest the players but it could be short-sighted too.

But many in the twilight of their careers do still play regular, top level, first team football. What do the following players have in common? Bergsson, Desailly, Djorkaeff, Dublin, Keown, Marsden, Schmeichel, Seaman, Sheringham, Staunton and Zola? OK, they are all 34 or over. But they have all appeared more than 30 times for their clubs this season. Seaman and Zola have played over 40.

Regarding the latter two, 39 and 36 respectively, it would be unfair to argue that they are still not worth their place in the team. Two decent managers seem to think so anyway. The players themselves may want to call it a day but this might be because they have had enough of the rigours of the game rather than self-doubt. Zola has been magnificent for most of the season. And we all know that Seaman has made the odd high-profile error of judgement, but a handful of memorable clangers over twenty years is not too bad. And I would defy anyone to pick a save of the season above his gravity-defying effort from Paul Peschisolido’s header in the FA Cup semi-final. Arsene Wenger should get some credit. If he had been less resolute and listened to public grumblings about his ancient keeper (many from those who should know better), Arsenal might not have the chance to win some silverware this season.

What price on Teddy scoring at the Lane next season? For somebody else, I mean. We all know that you can win things with kids. But don’t forget that old boys still have a crucial part to play too.

272 England must not get carried a

Are Englands tactics finally evolving into something effective.

While England's 2-0 victory over Turkey finally brought some much needed momentum to a qualifying campaign that had begun in less than convincing fashion, it still highlighted the tactical rigidity that has characterised Sven Goran Eriksson's reign. The switch from a flat midfield four to a diamond was hardly revolutionary but represented the first genuine effort to try something different since the Swede took over.

After the unconvincing victory in Liechtenstein Sven had to concede that there was simply no way he could fit Kieron Dyer into the side without the team being unbalanced. Hence the introduction of Nicky Butt and the diamond.

The question is why did it take so long for a manager with such an excellent track record to change things? How many friendlies have gone by without England even looking at a back three, wingbacks or split strikers? The answer is too many.

Kevin Keegan's reign may be regarded as England's tactical dark ages (Dennis Wise on the left of midfield? Gareth Southgate in centre midfield?) but even he experimented with using Paul Scholes behind a lone striker, albeit Andrew Cole, in the 1-1 draw with France in Paris. Indeed, Scholes has played most of his games this season as a second striker but Eriksson has persevered with Heskey (then Rooney) and Owen. It is hardly rocket science to try Owen up front with Scholes just behind. This would allow Gerrard to partner Dyer (or Butt) with Beckham on the right. The extra man in midfield would help England to keep the ball better, the problem of giving possession away far too easily having haunted the team for far too long now.

Playing with one up front would reduce Wayne Rooney to the role of impact substitute which is by no means unreasonable, given his tender age. It would also give the opportunity for Kieron Dyer to finally establish himself at international level, something of which he is clearly capable.

As for the left hand side of midfield, after countless failed attempts with right footed players (Redknapp, Barmby, Sinclair etc etc etc) it must surely be time to give a chance to Gareth Barry, who must be utterly bemused to see the likes Paul Konchesky promoted from the under 21's ahead of him. He would also provide some defensive cover in front of Ashley Cole, who has at times been exposed.

Perhaps Sven will point to the fact that he is never given a full ninety minutes for his first choice eleven in friendlies, if he gets any friendlies at all, and that the tactical subtleties of being a lone striker will be new to Michael Owen, who is accustomed to being one of a front two.

However, the fact remains that England have been tactically weak at times - where was the plan B against Brazil? - and that Eriksson has enough quality at his disposal to make England genuine contenders for Euro 2004. The jury is still very much out on whether he is getting the most out of this quality.

271 The bowel loosening terror of

All the best

Harry
Who will fall, West Ham or Bolton?

Either West Ham or Bolton will be relegated today, and whichever team loses will be gutted and boned and may not see the Premiership again for years to come. There are some commentators who think that the Chelsea versus Liverpool game is important, but for sheer bowel loosening terror, who would be a Trotter or a Hammer today?

In a division where every place gained is worth an additional £503,000 in prize money there are there are several bite points for extra money. The difference between fourth and fifth is believed to be at least £10m – which is important for planning purposes and could be critical given the debts that Chelsea have. But the bite point of seventeenth and eighteenth place isn’t just about money, it could kill of the club that falls on the wrong side of the dashed line in Monday’s papers.

West Ham are in the gravest danger. Seriously in debt and reputedly with the seventh biggest wage bill in the Premiership, West Ham are in every way on the brink. The parachute payment would not stop any player with international ambitions looking to jump ship. And there are any number of ambitious players in east London. David James, Trevor Sinclair and Joe Cole would surely feel that, in a season that ends with the European Championships, they need to be at a Premiership club. The debts they currently carry will strip the team bare and administration is not unlikely if they can’t get good sale prices.

Bolton are favourites to survive but also have much to fear. This week they revealed that relegation may leave them with just seven contracted players. The fabulously talented Okocha would obviously go and Djorkaef and Bergsson would retire. All kinds of loan deals would fall through and Bolton would be condemned to a scurrying summer, picking up free transfers. Attempting to find jewels amongst the debris, just like everyone else. But this time without the Premiership carrot that Sam Allardyce has used to such effect over the last two seasons. Administration is less likely as Bolton have planned the last two season hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

The odds favour Sam Allardyce and Bolton, many sentimentalists favour Trevor Brooking and West Ham.

All things being equal Bolton would win and make the West Ham result irrelevant. But Bolton have suffered from a lack of goals and recent lack of desire to win games. The win over West Ham last month should have got them safe but last weeks turgid draw against Southampton was symptomatic of a lack of ambition.

West Ham should win any game against a team like Birmingham given Birmingham’s safety and West Ham’s desperation and coupled with a goal-less game at The Reebok – I see Bolton being dumped with an astonishing 42 points.

270 Harry Flatcap and his part in

As Harry and City wind down the season, Nic Anelka's change of attitude is explained.

Good afternoon, and welcome to the penultimate Harry Flatcap column of the season.

Well what a win! The City fans are still celebrating the magnificent 2-1 victory over Liverpool which maintained our Premiership survival for another season. And what a goal to win it! Many media pundits have talked about the renaissance of Nicolas Anelka and his re-instatement to the City first team. Well I’ve noticed an upturn in his attitude over the last couple of weeks so decided to plunge him into the team to see if he really could produce the goods. It worked, and I praised him in the papers to high heaven after the game.

However, I must admit, I don’t think I can personally lay claim to his improvement. I think one of his team mates can claim credit. It all started with the following conversation in the dressing room one morning before training.

Nicolas Anelka: “Hmmm. What iz zees smell? Iit iz very strwong?”

Richard Dunne: “Ah! That’ll be moi pies, would you like one Nico me old mate?”

Nicolas Anelka: “Er, I’m not sure..”

Richard Dunne: “Ah go on Nico me old lad, they’ll put some meat on yer”

Nicolas Anelka: “Zay! That iz good! Where can I get more of zese ‘pies’?”

Richard Dunne: “No worries Nico! Come with me after training, we’ll go for a pint and I’ll take you to the pie shop.”

The very next day Nicolas was a changed man. A little dishevelled, but smiling happily and carrying a number of pies in his kit bag. He was joining in the banter with the rest of the lads (“Ey! Robbie! You are, ‘ow you zay, a tossere!”) and also working much harder in training. He put this down to the need he had to run off the excesses of last night.

As you know, I belong to the old school of football management. I believe in treating the players like men, and now Nicolas was acting like a man I decided it may be time to give him a chance back in the first team. And watching him celebrate scoring the goal, initially by running past the Liverpool fans with his hand cupped around his ear, then stopping in front of the City fans and doing the ‘Paul Merson drink lots of lager’ celebration convinced me that I’d done the right thing.

I believe he’s booked a holiday in Aya Napia for himself, Dunnie, The Goat, and Peter Schmeichel which should be a fun holiday for the lads and proves he’s finally settled in at Maine Road.

I would like to pass on a note of congratulations at this stage to our old friends down the road at Old Trafford and their superb championship victory. The Harry Flatcap football philosophy states that football is a simple game and that’s how it should be played. Stick a big lad up front, tell the rest of the team to lump it up to him at every opportunity, run around a lot, kick anything that moves. That’s how football should be played and that’s exactly how my old mate Fergie did it. I wonder, as United were struggling at the time, the poaching of my assistant manager Nick Brown earlier in the season may have determined the outcome of the Championship.

However you have to give Fergie his due for the special coaching he has given his star performer Ruud van Nistelrooy. If he’s not twisting, turning, beating defenders, or shooting for goal he’s generally falling to the floor as if somebody has sawed his legs off. Fergie has added that last element, the falling over, to Ruud’s game very effectively this season to great effect. It’s that attention to detail that wins Fergie titles.

And the millions of pounds to spend of course.

But a note to the United hierarchy, I’m a devout follower of this style of play and would be able to seamlessly fill Fergies shoes when the big feller decides to move on. Don’t forget about this Peter Kenyon! Meanwhile as a gesture of goodwill towards our Mancunian neighbours, and in order to overt the row about where the championship trophy should be presented at the weekend, I put forward the idea that the United players should receive the trophy in front of the City fans at the last ever game at Maine Road on Sunday.

“A nonsense idea”

Claimed my chairman, though he’s been in a strangely prickly mood since we won at the weekend, guaranteeing our Premiership survival.

“You’d better push us up the table with a good win against Southampton Flatcap, win us a bit of extra prize-money now this game has nothing else riding on it.”

So, we move towards the last ever game at Maine Road. The end of an era. Obviously I’m immensely privileged to say I’m going to be the manager of City at the last ever game at the great old stadium. When you think of some of the great names that have managed here over the years, great thinkers, tacticians, money managers, and personalities it makes you feel humble to be involved in the last game.

To be the last man ever to be abused by those great characters that make up the Manchester City support means I’ll be leaving my own unique mark on history. The club were talking about marking the occasion by inviting all the previous managers to appear on the pitch before the game but this idea was abandoned due to numerous factors, such as time frames (it would take too long to introduce every ex-manager) and safety factors (missiles being launched from the stands, SARS contracted from spittle, etc).

Incidentally, speaking of the worrying SARS issue I’ve reacted in a sensible fashion. I’ve barred our star Chinese defender Sun Jihai from setting foot anywhere near the stadium until the palaver dies down, and refuse to step inside a Chinese Takeaway again until the fuss has disappeared relating to this worrying disease. I’ve warned the players to take similar action.

Don’t forget you can send messages to me via [email protected] – I look forward to hearing from you, and next week I’ll bring you an update as to what will be an emotional last day at Maine Road.

269 Who do you think you are kiddi

Arsene Wenger can’t understand why he is being laughed at.

According to one article I read last week ‘in any other walk of life Arsene Wenger would be a nerd’. This contrasts sharply with the long love-in that the English press has had with Arsene Wenger. ‘Professorial’ would be the usual adjective, ‘speaks five languages’ would be the more common strapline. Has Arsene Wenger reached the point where he is likely to be hounded until he snaps?

It is clear from the deluge of press coverage that has accompanied the end of the title race (if not the end of the season) that Arsene Wenger has become a figure of fun. Football 365 that bastion of the zeitgeist is selling ‘Comical Wenger’ t-shirts. A sure sign that public opinion has shifted.

But still this week Arsene Wenger has been laying the foundations for future troubles. After beating free-falling Southampton 6-1 Wenger insisted that had Arsenal beaten Leeds they would have become champions on Sunday. Insisting, by inference, that Manchester United would fail to carry their blistering form into the final weekend. He pointed out that United had been ‘flat’ since their exit from Europe and that United had been ‘lucky’ that their opponents had nothing to play for.

All this is palpable nonsense as the wheels have been falling of the Highbury bandwagon for a few weeks now. The beautiful, sublime attacking of the autumn has been replaced with risk minimisation as Arsenal have tried to ease their way to the title. And like a horse getting a jockey a ‘non-trying’ fine Arsenal eased up just too soon.

Not pressing home an advantage against Newcastle when against 10 men; throwing on a defender for a midfielder when two up against Bolton; failing to attack Villa when they were there to be beaten; inadequate defensive reserves; these are the reasons why Arsenal yielded the title. When push came to shove Arsene Wenger got too sensible and it didn’t work.

The Wenger quotes have moved from the mock-triumphal ‘we can go unbeaten’, through the poetic ‘everyone thinks that their wife is prettier’ straight through to the silly ‘United were lucky’ and ‘[Arsenal] were really the better team’. Unfortunately titles are won in May and not in August.

All this smacks of a bad loser, and there is little worse to the fourth estate than a bad loser – unless it is a bad, foreign loser. Look back at the abuse heaped on John McEnroe, a palpably gifted tennis star from the 1980’s simply because he hated losing and was not shy to tell people.

Perhaps Arsene Wenger blames himself for Arsenals failure, failing to strengthen the rearguard was certainly a palpable mistake. Well if he blames himself he can now be sure that the media at large has also reached this conclusion. As he starts to plan for his eight season in English football Arsene Wenger’s long honeymoon period is over. He may well consider moving on within two years as a result.

268 Can anyone keep pace with the

How will Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Newcastle respond to the league success of Manchester United?

With Arsenal's defeat to Leeds confirming Manchester United as Premiership Champions, one of the big questions has to be whether there is anyone who can keep pace with the Red Devils over the coming seasons?

Manchester United, seemingly the only club in the upper echelons of English football capable of balancing their books, again look set to strengthen their squad over the summer. Of course, their priority for doing so is to secure a second Champions League success under Sir Alex Ferguson, although it certainly won't hinder their hopes of defending their Premiership crown next season either. It has to be seriously doubted whether any of the other Premiership front-runners are capable of indulging in similar levels of squad strengthening in the close season.

With Leeds having already come perilously close to financial ruin in their bid to compete at the top, there are unlikely to be many Chairmen who are prepared to adopt a Ridsdale-esque open cheque book policy once the transfer window re-opens in August. The situation isn't helped, in that all the main potential contenders to United's crown are themselves deep in the red.

Newcastle may have made an operating profit of £12 million in the six months to January, but Sir Bobby Robson has already spent £43 million in just two years at St James' Park. True, they can count on ticket sales that average out at around the 50,000 per game mark and they also appear to have adopted a more realistic approach to expenditure than Leeds (it could hardly be worse). However, the club also has a Securitisation deal to the tune of £55 million and there are definite warning signs that, should they fail to meet their lofty new expectations, there could be problems just around the corner.

Quite how Chelsea have avoided the fire-sale that has taken place at Elland Road is probably down to the fact that so many city institutions have money invested in Leeds, whereas Ken Bates still appears to dictate the vast majority of goings on at Stamford Bridge. To the best of my knowledge, Chelsea are currently £85 million in debt, with £52 million due over the next year. Even should they qualify for next season's Champions League, it appears doubtful in the extreme that there will be more comings than goings at Stamford Bridge in August. Should they lose to Liverpool on Sunday, there could well be a mass exodus on the horizon. In addition, there are a number of key players over the age of 30, all on lucrative deals, but with little transfer value in today's market.

Speaking of Liverpool, they too have invested heavily in their attempts to rekindle the glory days of yore, and the signs are that they intend to do so again before next season. Quite where this leaves the club's financial position has to be questioned? As it is, Gerard Houllier's squad still looks a few players short of being true title contenders. The deal to sign Steve Finnan from Fulham for £4 million is seemingly done and dusted, but they will need further additions if they are to progress beyond where they currently stand. The likes of Damien Duff and Djibril Cisse don't come cheap though, even in today's market though. Whoever does join the club, they will certainly be looking for a better return on their investment than that from El Hadji Diouf, Salif Diao and Bruno Cheyrou to date.

That leaves us with Arsenal. Whilst it would be unfair to take any credit away from Manchester United, it has to be said that the Gunners certainly assisted them in their race to the title. With restrictions placed on Arsene Wenger's transfer budget due to the Ashburton Grove stadium project, the danger is that the gap between them and United will grow ever wider. Whilst Sir Alex Ferguson is linked with multi-million pound deals for the likes of Ronaldinho and Duff, Wenger is seemingly scratching around with comparitively little cash with which to bolster a squad that is patently in need of reinforcements if they are to remain competitive at home and abroad. The likes of Phillipe Mexes, Rustu Recber and Danny Mills have all been linked and would all be available relatively cheaply.

For the sake of a competitive Premiership, it has to be hoped that at least a couple of the above can hang onto the shirt-tails of the Old Trafford club. The alternative is a league that could rapidly become more predictable than those of Scotland, Holland and Portugal, where at least two or three teams compete for the title each season.

267 Racism: Zero tolerance for rac

Can racism ever be stamped out by half measures?

The FA can consider themselves lucky that UEFA decided to merely fine them (although a record one of nearly £70,000) for the events at the recent international against Turkey rather than close the Riverside for England’s next home qualifier as, if consistency was a priority for European football’s governing body, should surely have happened.

Slovak fans were guilty of racist chanting during their home tie against England and UEFA ordered them to play their match against Liechenstein behind closed doors. So why the inconsistency? The FA will certainly have put a good case forward including their view that they have led the campaign to stamp out racism in football at all levels; that they were quite prepared to decline their ticket allocation for the away fixture in Istanbul; that the pitch invasions were merely joyful exuberance and not intended to provoke hostility; and that the racist chanting was perpetuated by a tiny minority.

It is the last of these defences that is becoming tiresome and, quite frankly, is simply not true. In a candid moment, the FA's head of marketing and communications Paul Barber said: “The minority of people that cause us problems has now become too large a minority.” And how right he is. How many times have you been to a match and joined in a chant that at the time seemed to be incredibly loud yet when you watch it afterwards on the TV, you can hardly hear a word? Yet you could have turned the volume on your set down and still heard “I’d rather be a Paki than a Turk” being belted out with worrying gusto. Or simply cast your eye round to have seen the thousands on their feet when some bright spark started singing “Stand up if you hate the Turks”.

Compounding this behaviour are the apologists in the media who stoke up the irrational racist hatred or, at the very least, are not forthcoming in their condemnation of it. Talk Sport’s idiotic breakfast ‘shock jock’ Mike Parry explained to a caller why the chant “I’d rather be a Paki than a Turk” had nothing to do with racism and was akin to saying “I’d rather be a blue than a red”. These type of nonsensical opinions merely give similarly racist idiots the credibility they desire. And the British National Party gaining more council seats shows that the issue needs tackling in a general sense, preferably with zero tolerance. Racism is quite plainly not just a football issue but our game needs to do its part and be seen to do it forcefully.

Closing the doors of the Riverside would have upset me greatly and in a selfish way I’m glad it didn’t happen. As a Middlesbrough supporter, I intend to be there and be proud that the national team have come to my home. And I totally understand the argument of those who say that a shutout would simply punish the innocent and have little direct effect on the transgressors as they would be quite happy to be confined to the boozer. But maybe it would steel the ‘innocents’ into being less tolerant of the fools who find pleasure in vocalizing their irrational dislike of foreigners, instead of many of them being dangerously complicitous by doing nothing or, even worse, joining in with a supposedly harmless sing-song.

264 Liverpool dreaming

Liverpool need a total overhaul, tinkering at the edges won’t be enough.

Gerard Houllier’s assertion that Liverpool are only one or two players short of a title winning side seemed oddly timed despite seven wins from eight. But after a tame defeat against a mid-table team who are only playing for potential European qualification by not getting booked this bold statement needs to be challenged.

Michael Owen was also toeing the company line last week with an almost identical quote. Perhaps Liverpool are attempting to convince themselves, because very few people away from the Liverpool club can agree with them.

In defence Hyypia has had a poor season, and whether he is now past his best is debatable. And like at many top clubs his replacement Traore is proving to be inadequate. Henchoz continues to be quietly impressive and Carragher may be a good long-term bet at centre-half but they are the only positives apart from the battle between two good goalkeepers. In defence Liverpool need two good full-backs and a squad centre-half. Say Carr from Tottenham and Finnan from Fulham – but even more ideal would be Dominic Matteo from Leeds, who Liverpool should never have let go in the first place.

In midfield Hammann may be itching for a return to Germany, but the team is desperate for a creative player. Losing one of the established midfielders may open the way for the introduction of Joe Cole or Jay Jay Okocha (depending on coming results). And the Leeds fire sale means that a number of high quality players will be available in the summer. A move for Harry Kewell should surely be attempted. Gerrard and Murphy are good enough, Riise should be pushed into midfield more often and El Hadji Diouf is young and could become a fine player.

Up front Baros and Owen are not a pair, but are the best two forwards available. Heskey may not be everyones choice but he at least gives them a different option. Given the amount of financial turmoil around, a good centre-forward will surely be available for next to nothing.

From Houllier’s angry reaction to the idea that letting Anelka go has now hurt Liverpool, it is clear that the forward area has occupied the managers thoughts recently. But the best thing to do is not to reinforce mistakes. This Liverpool team needs five high quality recruits to become a championship team and Liverpool’s preoccupation with proving that past buys were not mistakes could cost the team dear. Arsenal and Manchester United can carry their expensive mistakes like Wiltord and Veron. Liverpool cannot.

Liverpool need to rebuild and if Houllier cannot wait that long then it may be time for him to move upstairs and allow a manager like O’Neill to bring Liverpool back to the top table in English football.

266 Arsenal blow it

half-time team talk.

'Ok, yeah. Second half guys, we've got to go for it, y'know? Team power? In the second half, right, I want you to play the ball, on the deck. Possession football. Shaun Wright-Phillips, push up front and well play 4-4-2, with 2 natural wingers providing thrust to support the attackers whilst the 2 central midfielders will operate in a holding role to support the additional width we will create on this big pitch''

I had to act fast and rushed into the dressing room.

'Victoria! I've just been talking to a journalist. They tell me there are no stories about you or David in the papers tomorrow.'

'My god! I must see my publicist. Guys ' Can you manage without me? I'm off!'

And with that she disappeared. She won't be back.

'Lads! Keep it simple. Long balls for the big lad to get on the end of. Bags of aggression.'

Anyway, the aftermath of our spineless defeat. How did Trevor Brooking, of all people, manage to mastermind such a victory? I asked one of the West Ham players at the end, and he gave his reasons.

'I think it was his team talk. I've never felt so relaxed before a game. He started to talk to us, and I think I must have drifted off. I started the game in this kind of trance which must have helped me as I never tensed up despite such an important game.'

I can't abide with this theory as I've only the one way to operate which has proved successful over the years. After the match I screamed at the players, and the ball boys, the kit cleaner, the groundsman, the receptionist and Mr. Patel on my way home for good measure.

So, onwards to Liverpool, scene of some happy memories earlier in the season as I led the Liverpool team onwards towards a champions league challenge until I was rashly sacked and Houllier re-instated. I'll supply a report of the game in the next edition of Harry, but if you want to contact me you can on [email protected]

All the best

Harry

Arsenal turn an eight point lead into an eight point, and terminal deficit, in eight short weeks.

It is too easy, too facile to suggest that Arsenal have lost it rather than United have won it, but the evidence is there. Even last month it was there for Arsenal if they could hold their nerve or just beat United at Highbury. Arsenal did neither and now face Southampton shorn of confidence and injury riddled. Just what went wrong?

Titles are won or lost in attack, not defence. For the last ten seasons the champions have been either the top scorers or the second top scorers. Defence isn’t as important – but is still crucial. Not to labour the point but Arsenal’s defence is suspect. And in the final weeks of the season a number of teams have played on this weak-spot and have inflicted defeats and draws in games that Arsenal would have won easily in the autumn.

Arsenal have dropped nearly 20 points from games they have led and this demonstrates that their defensive obduracy is now a distant memory, with Martin Keown the last living example of the nasty, brilliant defence that George Graham built over a decade ago. Arsene Wenger has failed to rebuild the defence and it has cost him.

Going forward Arsenal have a fluency and a number of sublime talents but this has not been enough. In the run-in Arsenal have dropped too many points, in the last seven games they have dropped 12 points – whereas United have only dropped the two that the draw at Highbury cost them.

Manchester United have now won eight of the last eleven titles, which matches the Bob Paisley Liverpool team. They have won by picking up the necessary points during the three distinct stages of their season. Firstly by staying in touch when injuries and operations hobbled them in autumn. Secondly by getting a series of late equalisers and winners in mid-season that got extra points against Chelsea, Everton, Sunderland and Bolton. Finally they have become the form team in the Premiership at exactly the right time.

Another less obvious reason for their success is that United have excelled against the top sides for the first time in years. In the 9 games played against the other top six sides, United have won seven, drawn two and lost none. These six-pointers have meant that a series of below-par performances against the bourgeoisie have not hurt them as it did last season.

United have had weaknesses, Ferdinand looks overvalued, Barthez continues to be too short and Keane is not the player he was. But the plus points of the inclusion of two truly world class players in Scholes and Van Nistelrooy largely outweighed this. 63 goals between the two don’t tell the tale of their late season pre-eminence. In the last nine games Van Nistelrooy has 13 goals and Scholes has 6, the kind of striking that wins game after game.

The table doesn’t lie and Manchester United have proved that they are the best team over a full season. Whether Arsenal can now gather themselves given suspensions and injuries to justify their odds-on status for the cup final is now debatable. Southampton on current form look very capable of making this a very miserable season for Arsenal.

265 Harry Flatcap sacks Posh Spice

Harry lets City slide towards relegation but at least managers to get rid of Posh Spice.

Good afternoon from Maine Road, home, but not for much longer, of Manchester City, and me, Harry Flatcap.

It's not been a good week to be a City fan. Following on from our 1-0 defeat against West Ham we're still in with a chance of being relegated. I find this very hard to understand. We have a lot of top quality players here, and yet we are fighting it out with Graham 'Turnip' Taylor and Villa, Fulham with no ground and no manager to their name, Leeds and their insane quest to replicate the bad old days of Manchester City with their spectacular failure at exorbitant cost, Bolton and their manager who looks like a Viz cartoon character, and West Ham, with a certain Mr. Brooking in charge.

It was probably a mistake of mine to talk to the pressmen prior to the Hammers game last weekend and say

'West Ham don't frighten me in the slightest. Brooking has been working as a journalist all these years. You can't just go from working in the media to managing a football club. There are a lot more skills involved in running a club. Anybody can work in the media. I foresee a very easy win at the weekend.'

I now admit those comments didn't help as I'd forgotten that pressmen also work in the media and their reaction to my quote was rather aggressive.

'BEAT ARROGANT HARRY TREV!'

Bellowed the Daily Star on Saturday morning.

'GIVE HIM ONE FROM US TREV!'

Was the not-so-subtle Daily Sport (I didn't buy it before you ask, Mr. Patel our local newsagent kindly allowed me to scan the headlines on Friday morning)

'WHO DOES HARRY FLATCAP THINK HE IS?'

Needlecraft and Embroidery Weekly. Clearly my comments had angered the whole journalistic community.

So on the day of the match as the West Ham ensemble arrived at Maine Road I sounded out Trevor to bury the hatchet and wish him the best of luck for his debut game in charge.

'Well 'Arry, heh-heh, I thank you very much for your, heh-heh, kind words, of supporrrrt. Iiiits very, kind, of you to say, heh-heh, such a thing before, such a vital game. Iiiit reminds me, of, a game, heh-heh, back in 1974, here, at Maine Road. Iiiii said, to Pop Robson'''

I couldn't take any more of this so decided to give my lads a quick psyche up with a bit of a tea-cup smashing in the dressing room. I couldn't believe it when I stepped out of the dressing room to see Trev still stood in the hallway talking away.

''don't take, heh-heh, your stockings off, heh-heh, until, later. Phiiiiil Parkes, heh-heh, a very, hairy man. Iiiii remember, heh-heh, down the, chicken run''

I ventured off again smartish only to re-appear as the teams were lining up in the tunnel before the game. He was still there!

''Bobby Moooooore, heh-heh. God bless him, heh-heh. The Krays, heh-heh, lovely, lads, heh-heh, perfect gentlemen''

At this point his backroom staff dragged him down to the technical area where he stood throughout the 90 minutes. And the half-time break. He was clearly struggling down there. West Ham had to defend a corner early on in the match. He shouted across the pitch to the West Ham
defence

'Thomas, Repka! Heh-heh, er, Thomas, er, could, you, heh-heh, cover the, left, post, for the, er, heh-heh, duration, of the corner, being taken, at, that end of the ground, heh-heh, and then, move, forward, heh-heh, aaaas the, ball, heh-heh, is cleared, presuming, heh-heh, the ball, er, is cleared''

'Too late gaffer'

Shouted Paul Goddard.

'The balls already in the other half of the pitch.'

But I couldn't dwell on Trevor's problems as I had a few of my own. Namely, in the assistant management department. The appointment of Posh Spice has not worked well. Firstly, the players turned up for the match in the morning after a group session at Posh's beauty parlour and I was shocked.

The smart club blazer, shirt, strides, and club tie had been replaced by a sarong. All the players sported nail varnish. And disconcertingly every player had been given the latest David Beckham blond mullet hairstyle. Now this look may suit somebody like David Beckham, but Shaun Goater in a blond Beckham wig? I really couldn't see how that would help his performance on the day. There also seems to be a fan-backlash over Posh's appointment. I'd forgotten to take into account 'The Man United Factor' when making the appointment until I realised that Posh Spice is as popular to City fans as a bloke shoving broken glass up your rectal cavity would be.

The chairman wasn't happy as he cornered me prior to kick-off.

'Flatcap! You idiot! I've just had a look outside. It's like bloody Baghdad out there! The natives out there are calling for Posh's head with more venom than the Iraqis denounce Bush! And as for selling shirts with POSH on the back ' I've spent a bloody fortune on extra quantities of the letters P, O, S, and H and no bugger wants them. It's coming out of your transfer fund Flatcap!'

And yet after the game, a spiritless defeat, he remained largely buoyant.

'Looks like a nailbiter all the way to the end of the season eh Flatcap? Wonderful, just think how great the last day will be. Media attention, mass sales of alcohol and fast comfort food, brilliant. Good lad Harry, keep it up.'

The Chairmans mood was also embellished by the news that the aforementioned Posh had been sacked. Arriving back in the dressing room slightly late (Trevor had lurched into our technical area and I was having trouble navigating him) I overheard Posh delivering the

262 Why would anyone ever go in go

s, and that could now cost them everything – their players, many supporters and even place in England’s top flight.
Are goalkeepers mad and bad?

The lineup of contenders for this season's PFA player of the year award
contained six strikers (or maybe five and a half, depending on what you think of Paul Scholes). This isn't exactly surprising. Strikers score goals and goals win games. But where were the goalkeepers? Ask any Blackburn fan about Brad Friedel's form this season and their eyes will light up. Ditto Chelsea fans and Carlo Cudicini. Southampton owe a large debt for their excellent season to the impressive goalkeeping of Antti Niemi.

And yet where is the recognition goalkeepers deserve? Does anyone even remember who was voted the best player at the last world cup?

It seems as if every football magazine has, at some point this season, run an article along the lines of "Henry vs van Nistelrooy: who is the best striker in the world?" but how many magazines have tried to sell themselves with the prospect of "Friedel vs Keller: the battle to be US number one"?

The answer is none. Probably. So why is this?

The answer may well lie in some Euro 96 punditry words of wisdom from Ruud Gullit, who said (in his dodgy English), "Goalkeeper is goalkeeper because he can't play football". Gullit didn't get many things right, as Alan Shearer will testify, but he did hit that particular nail right on the head.

No matter how good a goalkeeper is he still trains away from the rest of the team. He doesn't run around getting tackled in midfield (unless he's Fabien Barthez season 2001/02) and he puts trousers on when it gets cold. He often spends the entire first half just pointing and shouting, stopping only to slice a backpass into touch. Cue lots more pointing and shouting.

Perhaps it's hard to identify with a goalkeeper unless you are born one. Most children grow up dreaming of scoring winning goals, be it at Wembley, Hampden Park or Shepton Mallet Community and Leisure Centre. Do any grow up dreaming of kicking backpasses and flapping at crosses?

The lack of recognition for keepers may well come from deep childhood trauma. Being put in goal in the playground meant you were either fat, rubbish or both. No-one under the age of ten chooses to go in goal. Bigger kids make the decision for them.

Whatever the reason, as long as there are strikers scoring goals there will be goalkeepers conceding them. It's a little known fact that, on average, six people a year are killed by falling crossbars. So next time you are screaming at a goalkeeper, perhaps for letting a gentle back-header slip through his hands and between his legs to the waiting Diego Forlan, remember - the poor guy is risking his life just by being there. Isn't that worth an award on its own?

Oh, and it was Oliver Kahn. Deduct yourself four points a la Boston United if you said Ronaldo.

263 EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Keith Ale

Lincoln City's remarkable season and run into the third division play-offs is reviewed in an exclusive interview with the manager, Keith Alexander.

In football circles, administration is a word that is no longer feared as much as it was a couple of years ago. Many now see it as ‘cleansing process’, an opportunity for a poorly run club to make some tough and sometimes very emotional decisions, but eventually to get its house in order and at least secure a short-term future.

In the last year or so, there have been a number of Football League clubs that have experienced a period of administration. Leicester City, Bradford, QPR and others have been taken over by an independent set-up at one time or another, and most seem to have come out the other side in a more healthy state. However, one club that has had very little mention at national level during their close call with the Grim Reaper is Lincoln City, a fact that irritates team manager Keith Alexander.

“Every time you switch the television on they talk about Bradford, Leicester, York – all sides that have been in administration. Lincoln City never gets a mention, and I think that’s totally unfair,” said the former Ilkeston Town and Northwich boss.

“To my way of thinking, we’ve done the best job of any other side that’s been in and out of administration. Leicester were a Premiership club and didn’t lose any players, Bradford were a First Division club who went into administration, lost a few players and brought them all back again, paying the likes of Ashley Ward £18,000 a week.”

Alexander was manager at Sincil Bank in 1993 but left after one season in charge after a hasty sacking by then chairman John Reames. Since his return to Lincoln, he has managed two non-League sides and was assistant manager at Mansfield Town under Andy King before he became Alan Buckley’s assistant in 2001.

The Imps went into administration last summer, and were only granted a reprieve from liquidation due to the acts of a ‘sympathetic’ judge at the High Court in Birmingham in addition to a gargantuan fundraising effort by supporters. The season before had seen the Lincoln City Supporters’ Trust taking full control of the running of the club, though their efforts didn’t manage to curb City’s financial problems.

Alexander was offered the job as manager on inferior terms than when he was Buckley’s assistant the previous season, but accepted the post, partly so that he could work in Lincoln once again, his home for more than fifteen years. Virtually all of Lincoln’s players from the previous regime were out of contract and others received pay-offs from the club as they looked to tighten their financial belt to prevent administration returning again.

On the eve of the new campaign, Lincoln were nominated as the bookmakers’ favourites to be relegated to the Conference. However, Alexander had other ideas, and plucked almost an entire new team – comprised mainly of young, effervescent rising stars - from the non-League to not only preserve the club’s League status but also to be included amongst the Division Three promotion candidates.

“York City went into administration and came back out of it – I tried to sign two of their players and we couldn’t afford them. We’ve ended up signing eight players for a total of £2,000. We (the management and club) don’t get the credit for it and, certainly, the team doesn’t”, said Alexander.

On Saturday May 3, Lincoln take on Torquay United at Sincil Bank knowing that just a point would mean that they will be included in the play-offs for the first time in their history. For the past week, the city has been gripped in anticipation of City’s possible rise into Division Two – former supporters’ trust man and now club chairman Rob Bradley expects a full house of 9,000 spectators to help roar the team on to victory. Howevvr, Alexander refuses to be unrealistic about Lincoln’s chances of promotion, and believes that their achievements so far have made him feel satisfied about the job they have done.

“If we don’t get a point and Oxford win 2-0, I will not be crying, because I know that we’ve given our best shot this year. We’ve done as well as we can do, and if it’s not quite good enough then we’ll have to do better next year.”

Alexander had a good career as a player and has gained valuable experience through some challenging roles in management and coaching. Nottinghamshire born and bred, he speaks warmly and frankly, always keeps his feet on the ground and realises the importance of making one’s own success, rather than hoping it will be handed to you on a plate. Towards the end of our interview, I turned to Alexander – who became the first ever manager of Afro-Caribbean origin in the League at Lincoln in 1993 – and asked him how he would motivate his players for a promotion push next season should they not make it this time around.

“In all honesty they shouldn’t need any motivation. They’ll have had a taster of what it’s like and they’ll have fallen short. That should be motivation enough – to do better next time.”

NB: Lincoln City secured their play-off spot following a Simon Yeo equalizer four minutes from the end of their match at home to Torquay.

261 Winners and losers 2003

Who were the biggest overachievers and who stunk the house out in the Premiership?

Before every new football season, experts and laymen gaze into their own crystal ball in all places from the Guardian sports desk to Jimmy Hill’s Sunday Supplement to the local pub and try to predict the fate of our Famous 92, from Manchester United to Mansfield Town, Tottenham to Torquay and Newcastle to Northwich. But even the most honed expert analysis cannot fully predict the future, and never seems to be able to prophesy any major anomalies.

This season has been no different, and neither has the Premier League. While many could foresee the deficiencies of West Bromwich Albion, the hopeful struggles of Birmingham and Bolton, and the need for growing concern at Sunderland, did anyone really know that Leeds United were to underachieve so immensely? Furthermore, who foresaw the emergence of Everton, now threatening to reclaim their place as one of the country’s best teams?

The David Moyes Revolution has at last brought some respite to Everton’s supporters, who have in recent years been more accustomed to checking they know the quickest route to Grimsby rather than making sure their passport hasn’t passed its expiry date. Like a breath of fresh air, Moyes breezed into Goodison Park in March 2002 with no pretences, simply stating that his first aim was to prevent the club from being relegated, after being left in a less than desirable predicament by former manager Walter Smith. Moyes met his primary target and the club went on to finish in 15th place, though the rebuilding work has not ceased, as the shrewd Scot adopted the challenge of building a new era of success for the Merseyside club.

As has been the case with Everton managers before him, Moyes has had few fiscal resources with which to rebuild his squad. However, he has made the best of what he has been given and has managed to bring cohesion to a squad of average players while giving them targets and a purpose for their efforts. New signings – former Arsenal goalkeeper Richard Wright and Chinese international Li Tie - have added scope to Moyes’s side, which has been credited for its effectiveness over the course of the season.

Moyes’s work is far from finished if it is his mission to cement Everton as one of England’s best clubs, as they were before they became also-rans in the 1990s; however, early signs show that his tactics are working. If he can continue to get the best out of average players such as Lee Carsley and David Weir while harnessing the prodigious talents of Wayne Rooney, Everton fans might even one day have the chance of being able to lord it over their fellow rivals Liverpool and banish that unwanted clich of ‘sleeping giant’ for years to come.

At the other end of the spectrum, Leeds United have been their own worst enemy since the beginning of the season. The close season sacking of David O’Leary appeared to be one of haste, the reason being that he had failed to establish the club as genuine title challengers, and had not made enough progress in Europe. His continual claims that the ‘kids had done well’ – praising the performances of his young academy graduates such as Harry Kewell and Alan Smith who are now more grown men than boys – appeared to have rubbed more than the media up the wrong way, though his departure can now, in retrospect, be viewed as something of a mistake by the club’s board of directors.

Last summer, Leeds appointed Terry Venables, who naturally attracted a fanfare of publicity upon his move, as most flamboyant characters often do. However, the former England coach and veteran of six league clubs failed to match even the achievements of O’Leary, and with the Elland Road club rapidly becoming candidates for relegation, the Irishman’s fate became Venables’s, and Peter Reid was installed as an interim manager in the hope of saving Leeds’ Premiership lives.

Reasons for Leeds’ demise appear to lie at boardroom level. After the departure of O’Leary, rumours of discontent and a rift between the Irishman and his chairman, Peter Ridsdale, appeared to add scope to his sudden exodus from west Yorkshire. With Leeds already heavily in debt, their decision meant they would most likely have to pay O’Leary an exorbitant sum of money for the termination of his contract in addition to the new one they had written for Venables. The sale of England star Rio Ferdinand – became a cult figure during his tenure at Leeds - for £30 million to Manchester United did little to improve feeling at the club, and the players who performed so well under O’Leary appeared to have become disenfranchised and uninterested in the success of their club.

With the ‘football crash’ eroding much of the value of British-based players and constant inept performances by Leeds’ starlets that belied their true ability, Venables’s relationship with the club’s supporters and board become more and more strained. While many Premiership clubs’ financial reports indicated growing losses, it emerged that Leeds’ situation was spiralling out of control, despite the sale of Ferdinand, meaning that the financial profligacy shown by Ridsdale signalled the end of his chairmanship. He and Venables both left the club, opening the door for a managerial return for former Sunderland boss Reid and a boardroom reshuffle.

Leeds’ reputation as a powerful, young attacking team – and one of the best in the country – has dissolved into one underachievement and disappointment. The players and managers involved have eventually felt the strain of fiscal burdens that have been self-inflicted by a chairman who had done so much work to turn Leeds back into a top club after years in the shadows. As consequences of years of over-spending have now been recognised nation-wide, football clubs need stronger leadership than ever in order to allow them to buck the trend and survive in a new era for the game. Sadly, Leeds’ ambitions were not built on solid foundation