647: The Agitator #7

by : Antony Melvin

MONDAY
Called back from holiday to oversee the sale of a series of Chelsea players and staff members following the weekends result. It’s a Chelsea free-for-all this week, and we’re charging double. So Fabio Capello (Roma) is set to swap jobs with Claudio Ranieri (Mirror), or is it Juventus’s Marcelo Lippi (Sun)? John Terry has begged the Chelsea owner not to sack the manager (Star, Express) – especially for an Italian who might want to buy Italian defenders. Who knows who will be manager next term? Well we do and they clearly don’t.

The tabloids quickly decided that the players they bigged up last season are now in line for the chop and are clearly not as good as some of the (other) papers may have had you believe. In particular Makelele (wishes he was in Spain), Hasselbaink (too old) and Veron (permanently injured) have been picked out (Mirror, Star, Sun). Purchased for £45m, current value £15m, perhaps Abramovitch could get a guest spot on Price Drop TV. Failing that he could buy it. Anyway these lads are now ‘in play’ and the rest of the hit list will leak out over the next few days.

TUESDAY
Gordon Strachan could soon be back in management either at Spurs (Sun) or as Scotland boss (confusingly also Sun). Leeds want to erect a statue or rename a stand in John Charles memory (Mirror). Our guess is the stand being renamed; it’s cheaper.

Some astonishing news that Gerard Houllier may keep his job if he gets fourth place in the league (Star). Well we’ll let you in on a secret, Gerard has already been guaranteed another full season at Anfield. Liverpool are not happy with the alternatives and simply put don’t want to appear to back a manager with money and then sack him before the players have had chance to settle (see Spurs). Liverpool will be managed by Gerard Houllier into 2005 and beyond.

WEDNESDAY
Leeds coach Kevin Blackwell is a contender for the Southampton job (Express, Sun). Do Leeds have coaches? If so how have they got a team that is talented enough for a top-10 finish into the bottom 3? Is it all luck? Perhaps Southampton should give Peter Reid a call.

Random breath tests wil be performed outside every match during Euro 2004 (Independent) – something that would have never been allowed in George Best’s hayday.

THURSDAY
Southampton are poised to name their new manager in the next 48 hours (Sun) – is it Kurt Russell? Whilst Spurs flop Helder Postiga has flown to Kuwait for treatment on a mystery thigh problem (Various) – barndooritis or somesuch.

Got an urgent call from Liverpool following some not-so-secret meetings in Bangkok that Rick Parry attended (Express). What followed was as beautifully finessed as a seven from dummy allowing you to cover East’s king with an ace. So we all accept that a group of Thai businessmen are about to, ahem, pump in some money. Of course we do.

FRIDAY
Manchester City are looking for their own Roman Abramovitch (Star), well they are a good Jewish club – but what good has that done Leeds or Spurs in recent years?

And in a comedy moment Sepp Blatter has said that he will not stand in the way if Celtic and Rangers decide to play in the English top flight (Mirror), well he could wheel his cake trolley in the way and then there is no chance that the Celtic hoards could fight their way past that. Except in some kind of low-grade ‘It’s a Knockout’ kind of way. No, lets not go there.

SATURDAY
Monday was for deadwood, and Saturday the second phase of Chelsea’s dastardly plan. Which is quite simply to buy the half of Real Madrid’s first team that isn’t retiring in the next couple of years. The ‘swoop’ includes David Beckham, Ronaldo, Raul, Luis Figo and Roberto Carlos (Star). The reality is they will get Figo.

Perhaps we can boost this Jordan versus Posh thing sufficiently to get Beckham back in to the country, then Becks can be resprayed white (he appears to have turned a bit orange recently) and reintroduced into London. It’s a bit like the Sherlock Holmes ‘Silver Blaze’ story, so if you fail to hear a dog barking tonight then it’s probably because Chelsea have sealed the Beckham deal. You heard it here first. Etc. I think this weekend working is disturbing me. I feel peculiar. Where is my copy of ‘The Prince’?

Antony Melvin
28/02/2004

643: Harry Flatcap and I'm a footba

by : Steve Heald

We all coughed and looked down at our steaming mugs of alligator urine.

Back at HQ the production team have been a little worried that Gerards eviction perhaps wasn’t down to what was being viewed on the TV…though I was glad to see the miserable bugger out of the way. And yes, you may be skeptical about the big hug I gave him just as he was leaving the jungle and whispering I’ll miss him, but football manager are big strong beasts who are used to this sort of behaviour. It’s natural, Gerard may get the sack in a weeks time and the natural procedure will be for the new incumbent at Liverpool FC to call him up and wish him all the best. They may then go for a few beers together, split a bottle of whisper, and bitch about the chairman and the playing staff.

What worried the production team though was the thought that a lot of confused Liverpool fans thought this was a vote to evict Houllier from the job as manager of Liverpool and voted on masse for an eviction. If this is the case it should be interesting to see what sort of reaction he receives back at Anfield when Liverpool next play at home and the majority of the fans have splashed out on an 0898 call hoping to see the back of him.

Personally, I’m coping fine. Perhaps because I have managed football clubs all over the world I am used to the spartan conditions and worrying when you will next touch a decent meal. It is very similar to my time as manager of Rochdale, though the local villagers seem a lot more civilised and welcoming to strangers.

I’d just like to pass on my regards to Terry Venables, who has offered to send out illicit chocolate, beer, and recent editions of the News of the World in return for media rights, share option, and a lump sum to be paid in used notes inside a brown paper bag. Thanks Terry, we’ll bear it in mind if we feel things are desperate. But at the moment we are still positive and enjoying the experience.

Until next week.

Regards

Harry

--

Steve Heald
18/02/2004
Well well well! Hello, Harry Flatcap here, still reeling in the shock news that bookies favourite Arsene Wenger has been voted off the show and is on his way back to Heathrow as we speak.

It really was his own fault too. After my public rejection of Terry Venables’ kind offer to play us with booze, chocolate, and tabloid newspapers the viewers became suspicious when Arsene was filmed surreptitiously floating in the giant lake on a lilo, glass of Sauvignon in one hand, copy of Le Figaro in the other, a Terrys chocolate orange nestling on his lap.

Startled, the other managers quickly rounded on him.

“You…you…you!” stammered Kevin Keegan, wearing his heart on his sleeve and visibly quite upset that a manager should attempt to pull of a naughty trick. “…you naughty trickster!”

“Er excuse me” intervened Graham Taylor. “er, linesman, you’ve cost me my job. I’m out of work tomorrow. Thank you very much for that.”

“Er, Graham?” I questioned “I think you are getting a little mixed up here, remember, Arsene, the booze, the chocolate?”

“Oh yes! Carlton! F***king hell Carlton!” I think the sun really is getting to Graham now.

“Well in my day” opined Bobby Robson “behaviour like that would earn you a ruddy good clip round the ear. No wonder this country is in the state it is. And he’s French. French football managers? In England? Wouldn’t happen in my day. Can you imagine Wor Jackie taking orders from a French man. He wouldn’t have minded fighting his battles for him and liberating his country but…”

“OK Bobby” I intervened hastily. “We get the message, you don’t want to over heat yourself in this climate. Isn’t it time for your afternoon siesta?” But when I turned round Bobby was snoozing like a baby, cradled by Trevor Francis. I think those two have developed a bit of a crush for each other. Trevor likes talking to Bobby and Bobby seems to like sleeping whilst Trevor carries on blissfully unaware that Bob’s gone.

So the good natured banter and dressing room style bonhomie had been shattered by a traitor in our midst. I didn’t give Arsene too much of a hard time as he had given me a couple of slices of chocolate orange and a glass of his claret on the proviso that I didn’t grass him up. Therefore I felt honour bound not to say anything at the kangaroo court that had suddenly sprung up after I’d tipped the lads off about his dishonest behaviour.

So Arsene was gone, and Graham, Bobby, and Trevor, the 3 favourites to be evicted early are still there. Trevor always seemed a dull whinging

“I’m better than you lot” kinda guy, always looking down on us but with little in the way of personality to back up his pretensions. Bobby meanwhile was considered to be the air head, his old brain fuddled with old age and overdoses of Sanatogen. However the curious relationship the two have developed has given the show a love aspect similar to the tale of Jordan/Peter Andre on I’m a Celebrity get me out of Here. It’s easy to see why the comparisons have been formed; Trevor plays the Peter Andre role to Bobby Robson’s Jordan.

Personally, I’m surviving still, and seem to be able to manipulate events to ensure whilst I’m not the favourite at this stage I’ve not been close to an eviction. Hopefully I can continue work on my latest ploy, convincing Kevin Keegan that yes, the voices he hears at night are voices in his head, and perhaps what they are telling him should be adhered to.

“Kill the other contestants…kill the other contestants…give all the food and drink to Harry Flatcap…resign as City manager…let Harry take over…you want to run around with your underpants on your head…underpants on head…underpants…”

So far we have a distinct eye twitch and a strange glint in the other one whenever he sees a knife. This project is progressing well.

The next task given to us by the programme producers is to create a fully working oil refinery using bamboo shoots, reeds, a bit of rope and an enthusiastic hippopotamus. This should really test our mental toughness and sort out the real football managers out here in the jungle.

All the best until next time.

Harry

--

Steve Heald
18/02/2004

646: LEAGUE CUP: Middlesbrough's cu

by : Ashley Michael

Martin: Why?
Andy: Allardyce seems to have some sort of American Indian thing going on.
Martin: What do you mean?
Andy: Well he seems to take little treasures from his victims like with Reid’s monkey. We could be looking at a possible scalping here tonight.
Martin: Talking about what’s in store let’s find out what the bookies have on offer.
Andy: Yes the bookies have had another good payday for this brawl and Big Sam has been installed as 1/3 favourite with Keegan generously placed at 2/1. However the bookies specials on offer tonight include, outside interference from the City’s Gallagher brothers Liam and Noel at 7/1. Alex Ferguson to show up and batter Keegan for old time sake at 14/1 but the real outsider is for Bernard Manning to enter the ring and squash everything in sight at 40/1.
Martin: Oh boy, that would be a sight to see! Anyway both fighters, and the millions of fans around the globe, are desperate to get this thing underway so let’s head down to ringside for the all important ring introductions.
Ring announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Premiership Managers Brawl! Let’s get ready to rhhhhhhuuummmumble! Introducing first is the host fighting out of the blue corner, weighing in at 13 and a half stones, standing tall at 5ft 9, wearing the light blue of Manchester City it’s the one, the only, Kevin ‘The King’ Keeeeeeeggggan!
Keegan jogs out from behind the entrance curtains to the sound of Oasis classic ‘Rock and Roll Star’ and the home fans go mad for it.
Martin: What a reception for the former England boss.
Ring announcer: And introducing his challenger…
The crowd’s wild cheers instantly turn to jeers.
Ring announcer: Weighing in at a 16 stones, standing proud at 6ft tall, and wearing the white Bolton strip, it’s the one and only Sam ‘The Clubber’ Alllllllarrrrrrrrddddyyyyyccccceee!
Sam storms down to the ring as his entrance music ‘Fighter’ by Christina Aguilera echoes around the stadium, with his monkey close behind him.
Martin: Wow Big Sam is well up for this. He’s like a runaway train heading down to that ring.
Big Sam rolls under the bottom rope and pounces on Keegan like a huge panther.
Andy: This brawl is underway with a bang and Keegan’s under the cosh already.
Big Sam sits on Keegan’s chest before unleashing a volley of venomous left and rights at Keegan’s face. Martin: There’s no way Keegan can stop this assault even if he wanted to. The Clubber has his legs locked over Keegan’s arms leaving the former England boss open for all attacks.
Keegan’s face has been bust open already when suddenly he manages to lift his legs up and wraps them around Big Sam’s neck, rolling him to the floor.
Andy: What a move by Keegan. I’m pretty sure he didn’t learn that on Moss Side!
Martin: There’s no way he learnt to move like that. Probably learnt from his time in Germany!
Keegan has Sam on the canvas and gives back some of the punishment he received from the Bolton boss.
Andy: This is an awesome response by Keegan. You can never count this boy out. Just look at that amazing comeback in the FA cup against Tottenham when they were 3-0 down at half time with 10 men. He loves fighting off the front foot.
Martin: He certainly does but while he may be great at attacking his defence is always liable to be exposed. Just like that!
Big Sam has grabbed Keegan’s armpit hair and yanked a chunk out like it’s a bad tooth.
Keegan howls like a baby and relinquishes his devastating leg lock around Sam’s neck as he falls to the canvas in sheer agony.
Martin: That’s got to hurt.
Sam rolls out of the ring and picks up a steel chair.
Martin: I know everything’s legit in PMB’s but, come off it Sam, …
Big Sam folds up the chair, lifts it above his head, and hammers it over Keegan’s forehead repeatedly.
Andy: This is uncalled for. Keegan was already cut open but now there’s more blood running down his face than there is running through his veins.
Suddenly the capacity crowd roar uncontrollably as two staggering figures are seen heading towards the ring.
Martin: Please don’t say that this is who I think it is?
Andy: Well I don’t know. Who do you think it is?
Martin: Little and Large!
Andy smacks Martin full in the face.
Andy: You stupid imbecile. Why would they be here?
Martin: Well Eddie supports City doesn’t he?
Andy: If I remember correctly I think you’ll even find that he had trials for them but no it’s never going to be them. Think about another gruesome twosome.
Martin: Oh no. Not Richard and Judy?
Andy: No.
Martin: Jordan and Peter Andre?
Andy: No.
Martin: Not those flipping Pop Idol losers Sam and Mark is it? What are these fans cheering them for?
Andy: It’s not them, look, I’ll just tell you … It’s only the fabulous Gallagher Brothers!
Martin: Oh my, call security, and secure all your valuables … Liam and Noel are in the house!
The Manchester faithful go ballistic as the Oasis stars climb into the ring slightly inebriated drinking bottles of lager and start shouting abuse at Allardyce.
Liam: Oi fatty. Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size?
Sam stops decking Keegan and turn around to face Liam, his face etched with anger. Liam points towards his older brother.
Liam: Yeah … fight him!
Noel looks on stunned as Sam stares down the Oasis guitarist.
Martin: I wouldn’t want to be in Noel’s shoes.
Andy: Yeah I know … talk about dressing in the dark. Not only is white shoes and black jeans a fashion no-no he’s going to suffer from some serious feet problems.
Martin: You really are a freak!
Big Sam propels himself at Noel but the Oasis star shows his fast feet and slyly steps out of the way, leaving Sam to collide with the ring post.
Martin: Oh that was nasty. It sounded like a car crash.
Liam strolls over to his brother and holds his hand up in the air to wild cheers from the City crowd. Noel pulls his hand down and shouts at his kid brother.
Noel: What do you think you’re playing at?
Liam: Ha ha. I’m mad fer it me! C’mon let’s ave it!
The crowd roars like City have beaten Man United to win the title.
Noel: Ok.
With that Noel swings for his brother and floors him with one single punch and shrugs his shoulders.
Noel: He said let’s ave it so, er … I did!
Noel picks up Liam’s bottle of lager and takes a swig before throwing the empty bottle into the crowd.
Andy: It’s nice to know some things will never change.
Martin: Well at the moment in the ring we have three men down and out. Big Sam is in the corner flat on his back. Keegan is lying in a pool of his own blood and Liam Gallagher is out for the count thanks to his brother. What an action packed brawl we’ve served up so far!
Andy: And we’re nowhere near finishing yet. Look whose showed up now!
The spotlight pans up the ramp to reveal the new celebrity golden couple Vernon Kay and Tess Daly walking down to the ring.
Martin: Vernon Kay and his missus! What are they doing here?
Andy: Well Vernon is Bolton’s biggest celebrity fan. He’s obviously here to stick up for Big Sam.
Tess Daly wearing a daring short skirt and low cut top stands on the ring apron and seductively calls Noel over with her index finger and a warm smile.
Andy: I smell a trap.
Noel looks at the lovely Tess bemused as he takes a step backwards. Tess slowly bends over showing Noel her luscious long legs and ample assets as the City of Manchester becomes awash with photographers eager to capture the moment forever. Noel’s eyes pop out of his head but as he steps forward Vernon crashes a guitar over Noel’s head. The crowd boo wildly.
Vernon: Do you really think you could have a chance with my Tess? I don’t think so.
Martin: That was dirty. Leading the poor guy on only to smack him on the head with the very instrument that’s made him his millions. That’s just out of order.
Andy: You never know. Liam might wake up soon and put Vernon’s head through a television screen.
Martin: Don’t be so ridiculous.
Vernon and Tess rush over to Sam in the corner and try to get him up.
Martin: Where’s that monkey? He’s a mercenary that monkey!
Andy: How can you say that, look!
Just then the monkey shows up with a first aid kit and dashes to Sam’s aid.
As Tess, Vernon, and the monkey, stay at Sam’s side a further two figures are spotted walking down to ringside.
Martin: Don’t tell me Jordan and Peter Andre have shown up now!
Andy: No chance. It’s the funniest double act on radio ever and big City fans Radio 1’s Mark and Lard!
The City fans cheer again as another two of their faithful people head down to ringside.
Andy: This is great. Hold on a minute.
Martin: Where are you going?
Andy: I can’t miss this opportunity. I’ll be right back.
Andy jumps out of his seat and runs towards Mark and Lard.
Andy: Alright there lads, look I’m a huge fan of the biggest show and I was wondering if I could have a bigadee bigadee bong in the style of Jim MacDonald for me and Martin at the commentary table.
Mark and Lard look at each other and nod their heads.
Mark and Lard: Ok then.
Lard: Bigadee bigadee bong so it is!
Andy: Oh that was superb! I’m so happy. Now go and do whatever you came here to do.
Mark and Lard then climb into the ring and pull Vernon back by his long hair and start swinging him around their heads with it. Tess starts screaming and jumping up and down showing off all her bits again, much to the pleasure of the fans at ringside.
Andy: This is great! I haven’t had this much fun since we went to Amsterdam.
Suddenly Mark and Lard let go of Vernon’s hair and watch him fly out of the stadium, quickly followed by a concerned Tess and a crescendo of groans from the crowd as the lovely Tess leaves the arena.
Back inside the ring Keegan, Allardyce and both Gallagher brothers start to come round.
Andy: This will be interesting. All four of them back on their feet at the same time. Big Sam has the odds against him here.
Keegan starts to come round.
Keegan: Where am I?
Mark: You’re at the City of Manchester.
Keegan: Who am I?
Lard: You’re Kevin Keegan, manager of the best team in Manchester, Manchester City.
Mark: You stupid idiot. What do you tell him that for?
Lard: Because it’s the truth.
Mark: Why didn’t you tell him he was Muhammad Ali then he’d have won this brawl easily!
In the other corner Sam Allardyce is talking the same nonsense.
Allardyce: Who am I?
His monkey whispers in his ear ‘Muhammad Ali’.
With that Allardyce stands up and wallops Mark and Lard, leaving them flying into the crowd.
Andy: Oh my, as if Sam wasn’t hard enough to beat, he’s now just turned into a super heavyweight!
Martin: And if he looks behind him he’s got both Gallagher brothers to dispose of.
Big Sam turns round, ducks a few wild swings by Liam and Noel before knocking both of their lights out and, like Mark and Lard, flying into the crowd.
Martin: If I were Keegan at this moment in time I’d play dead because he will meet the grim reaper if this carries on.
Keegan staggers to his feet only for ‘The Clubber’ to spot him and crashes a thunderous right hook on his chin forcing him off his feet and out of the stadium.
Andy: That was unbelievable! I’ve never seen anybody clean house so fast before.
Martin: I take it that guy who played Jacko in Brush Strokes from the Flash adverts doesn’t count?
Andy: Of course not! We’d better get Chris Kamara outside to see if Keegan has finally kicked the bucket.
Sam celebrates with his monkey in the ring as the Manchester crowd throw paper cups and rubbish at the victor.
Meanwhile out in the streets Chris Kamara has spotted the decaying body of Keegan on the floor.
Kamara: All right Andy and Martin. Right I’m just checking for his pulse … no, I can’t feel a thing. This brawl is over.
Suddenly Keegan leans forward and grabs Kamara by the neck.
Everybody screams but Kamara pulls his right hand back and thumps Keegan back to the ground splitting his head open on the concrete below him.
Kamara: Ring that bell will you! This brawls over!
Martin: So Big Sam has progressed to the last eight with another thrilling battle in Premiership Managers Brawl, the only fighter so far to win two fights. Can Charlton’s Alan Curbishley equal Big Sam’s winning streak next week as he takes on the oldest manager in the league, Newcastle’s Bobby Robson.
Andy: It will certainly be a test of young pretender against the master. Who will reign victorious and join Sam in the hat for the quarterfinals?
Martin: To find the answer to that and a whole more questions besides join us in a fortnight’s time when Premiership Managers Brawl will return.
Andy: Until then fight fans!

Colin Illingworth
27/02/2004Since the appointment of Steve McClaren as successor to Bryan Robson
Middlesbrough have established themselves as the Spurs of the north. Each year there are a few weeks where they threaten to get dragged into the relegation battle followed by a good run and talk of Europe before they finally settle into mid-table mediocrity. As this season approaches its climax things are pretty much sticking to the script, Boro being twelth at the time of writing, eight points above the relegation zone and ten points below the fourth Champions League place. This season, however, they have the added bonus of the Carling Cup final.

It is the result of the Carling Cup final that will define Mddlesbrough's season. Should they win not only will it bring a first ever trophy to the Riverside but will also take the club into Europe for the first time - clear progress. Lose, however, and questions will be asked. Is Steve McClaren's spending really taking the team forward? Why do they need yet another striker when they already five front line strikers and a tendency to play just one up front? Will they ever get another opportunity as good as this one?

Middlesbrough's strengths and weaknesses have been almost set in stone since McClaren took charge: an extremely solid defence but a lack of flair in midfield and a shortage of goals. This season has been no exception. Joseph Desire Job has five goals, Szilard Nemeth four, Massimo Maccarone three, Michael Ricketts three and Malcolm Christie two (plus a broken leg). It was hardly a secret that McClaren spent January trying to bring in another striker but moves for Emile Heskey and Mark Viduka both fell through.

The loan signings of Bolo Zenden and Gaizka Mendieta have brought some flair into the Boro midfield but, along with top-scorer Juninho, they have struggled for consistency. On the occasions that they have produced the goods Boro have looked an effective outfit, such as in their recent wins over Manchester United and Arsenal (twice). Claudio Ranieri may particularly rue letting Zenden go given Chelsea's lack of width and cover for injury-prone Damien Duff. The emergence of Stuart Downing on the left has also been a definite plus point. Expect to see him in an England squad at some point in the future.

In defence Boro have been their traditionally excellent self. Danny Mills has been solid, consistent and as unpopular with opposition supporters as ever and the partnership of Southgate and Ehiogu is still one of the best in the business. Mark Schwarzer has been his usual presence between the sticks.

The only potential worry for Boro’s defence is the confusion over Mills’ future – there still seems a great deal of doubt over whether or not his move will be made permanent at the end of the season. It would still come as a great shock if he did not make the switch at some point, though. His attitude towards a Leeds return is well known.

This season Middlesbrough have seen themselves left behind in the league by supposedly smaller clubs such as Fulham and Charlton, clubs with smaller crowds and much less spending power. While Steve McClaren is still very highly rated by many in the game (hence the links with the Chelsea job this week) he still has much to do to make Boro into one of the Premiership’s top sides. He needs to make the possibility of Europe a yearly event at Middlesbrough, rather than the once in a lifetime thing it currently seems to be.

The Carling Cup has come in for its fair share of criticism but this Sunday both Bolton and Middlesbrough will be desperate to win it. Sam Allardyce, ever the realist, would probably say his main goal is still keeping Bolton in the Premiership but he knows that winning a major trophy gives a massive boost in both status and morale. For Steve McClaren it offers an even greater opportunity – the chance for Middlesbrough to finally win something and show that he is taking them forwards, step by step.

Ashley Michael
24/02/2004

645: Premiership managers brawl: Sa

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Hello and welcome to another pulsating episode of Premiership Managers Brawl, the contest that makes a night out on the town with Lee Bowyer and Jonathan Woodgate seem tame! Tonight we’re in the fantastic setting of the City of Manchester stadium for a fight that has more spice than a pot of paprika. If certain sections of the press are to be believed then it’s not just his life that Kevin Keegan is fighting for tonight against Sam Allardyce but also his job! Big Sam has done well to distance himself from the talk but this brawl will surely add more fuel to the fire.
Andy Gray: Er yeah…Hello? I am here you know! Jees it’s like being at home with the missus. Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. I come to work so I can talk and what do I get? You running your mouth like an old woman!
Martin: Alright Andy. Keep your hair on. What is it you would like to say?
Andy: Do you know what, you’ve got me that wound up I’ve totally forgotten.
Martin: Ah never mind. I’m sure it wasn’t anything important!
Andy: Oh yeah, it’s come back to me. Big Sam will be seething after last weeks 3-1 defeat at the hands of Keegan in the league and will be looking for revenge tonight, and the chance to show his players how to fight.
Martin: You’re right Andy and don’t forget that Allardyce has already tasted blood in this competition when he destroyed former Leeds boss, god rest his soul, Peter Reid.
Andy: You what? He tasted his blood? What was I doing when this was going on?
Martin: It’s a figure of speech you fool!
Andy: Oh… right. Because I know Sam stole Reid’s monkey. I wonder if that will be on show tonight? Everyone loves a monkey!
Martin: I’m not sure if the monkey will be here but no doubt we’ll find out in a few minutes as this brawl is just moments away and, back by popular demand, you’ll pleased to know that we have once again been granted exclusive backstage access to both fighters and our roving reporter Chris Kamara caught up with them earlier.
Kamara: Here I am with Kevin Keegan ahead of the biggest battle of his life. Kevin you’re looking good, I guess last weeks victory over Sam in the league has given you a lot of confidence?
Keegan: Well it hasn’t done me any harm finally recording a league victory.
Kamara: I know I’ve said it already but I must say you really are looking fantastic, what sort of training have you been putting in?
Keegan: Intensive training. I’ve been kicking Robbie Fowlers backside for a few weeks now and I think you can see the benefits on both of us!
Kamara: What about defensively Kev, have you picked up any tips on how to protect yourself because Sam has an awesome punch?
Keegan: Of course I have. I live in Manchester don’t I!
Kamara: Finally, it’s been rumoured that Allardyce is after your job. I guess you’d love to knock him off and stop these vicious lies from continuing.
Keegan: Knock him off? I’d love it, just love it, if that happened! C’mon!
Kamara: Ok Kevin, thank you.
Kamara: And now I’m here standing with Keegan’s opponent Big Sam Allardyce.
Big Sam is standing there dressed for action with Peter Reid’s former monkey on his shoulder.
Kamara: Sam you’ve already chalked up one victory in this competition by disposing of Peter Reid …
Allardyce: Yeah and I stole his monkey, look!
Kamara: Yes congratulations on that. Will Kevin Keegan be your next casualty?
Allardyce: Have I guided Bolton to the Carling Cup Final?
Kamara: Erm, yes, but what’s that got to do with this?
Allardyce: Well there’s your answer.
Kamara: Nothing more to add?
Allardyce: No I’m going to win, simple as that. This will be easier than 1-2-3.
Kamara: Well there you go boys.
The monkey starts playing with Kamara’s hair and he swings to tell it to ‘get off’ but Sam stares at him and he backs down.
Kamara: Back to you at ringside.
Martin: Oh the fighting nearly started early there!
Andy: He should know not to mess with people’s monkeys… especially not when he’s on the shoulder of Big Sam.
Martin: Well both fighters feel confident. I wonder who has the moves to back up the talk?
Andy: I’m a bit scared for Keegan.

623: Premiership hall of fame: Denn

by : Chris Sherrard

Lay down all challenges, the Dutch master has arrived. Arguably the most majestic player to have graced the Premier League, Dennis Bergkamp is one of those players that everyone enjoys watching. From the moment he set foot on Highbury’s finely manicured surface in 1995, he has made the arena his own. He has made English footballer a better place as well.

When Bruce Rioch parted with £7.5million to bring Bergkamp to this country even he couldn’t have fully predicted the impact his new signing would make. An uncomfortable spell with Inter Milan had followed a blossoming opening to his career with Ajax Amsterdam. He was twice Dutch player of the year in the seasons which preceded his 1993 move to Italy. A nod from the European and World player awards panels as well and all looked to be on course for Dennis Bergkamp to claim his rightful place as one of the finest players of a generation.

But he stalled in the black and blue of Inter, his progress halted by a discomfort in his new surroundings and a lack of freedom in his role in the team. Arsenal came calling, Bergkamp answered; the rest is a joy to recall.

Dennis Bergkamp possesses one of the most delicate first touches in the game. When he controls a ball, you can’t help gasping in awe at the ability and the manipulation of a master at work. The way he strokes the ball around a football pitch is akin to the way his compatriot van Gogh stoked a paintbrush over a canvass. The mastery is there for all to see. The ability is unrivalled. Bergkamp playing at the top of his game is one of the most privileged events any football fan can witness. Certainly in modern times.

Whether in the red of Arsenal or the golden orange of his country, Bergkamp has been a significant figure in strong teams. With all said about his approach play and creative instincts allowing others to benefit, the Dutchman has chipped in with his share of goals when it matters. Few have been tap-ins.

He scored 11 goals in his first season with The Gunners in 1995-96, 14 the next and all of a sudden Dennis Bergkamp had made his mark and you wondered how we had coped without him. He went to the World Cup in France in 1998 on the back of a grandiose campaign in north-London where he had won the league title under Wenger, bagged 22 goals and cleaned up in the awards for player of the year. On arrival on French soil he set about transferring his domestic form to the international stage. And he did it in style, piloting a flamboyant Oranje army to the semi-finals via some scintillating displays and goals like the memorable effort against Argentina. Although Zidane took the plaudits for his double in the final, many would argue that Dennis Bergkamp was the outstanding player of the 98 World Cup. I am one of them.

As it stands, the non-flying Dutchman is his country’s record goalscorer with 36 in 79 appearances. He has also bagged more than 100 goals for Arsenal. His contribution to the game extends further than just his goals. His outstanding technique, range of passing and control combine to form one of the best players ever. Not just in English football, but in football as a whole. The longer he continues to play the game, the greater the thrill for his legions of fans who have been witness to the Dutch master at his most mesmerising, exhilarating and thrilling best over nearly 10 years in this country. The legend of Dennis Bergkamp will live as long as the memory of those who saw him do what he does. And what he does, he does better than most.

Chris Sherrard
08/02/2004

633: Premiership hall of fame: Paul

by : Dave Thrilling

While his wife was facing her fear of snakes in the jungle, George Best was on a bar stool facing the prospect of an early grave. The tales of drink, lies, deceit, fear and despair that have plagued the former Manchester United magician’s life have similarities with another Irish legend who rightly rivals Best as the greatest player English football has ever seen. It is therefore fantastic news to learn of the recent appointment of Paul McGrath as Director of Football and Development at Waterford United.

Paul McGrath was one of the greatest defenders of his time. After being sold by Manchester United as Sir Alex Ferguson tried to rid the club of its drinking culture, he became known to Aston Villa fans as “God” and at just £400,000 Graham Taylor picked up the bargain of the modern era. He was strong, committed, a battler in midfield but ultimately a centre half whose sheer presence, natural athleticism and reading of the game made him stand out alongside any of his countless defensive partners and made light of the serious state of his legendary “dodgy knees”. His need to protect his knees meant he was often used like a Rolls Royce that was used very little in the week and a lot at the weekend.

McGrath earned the PFA’s Player of the year award in 1993 and was a cornerstone of the successful Irish team under the leadership of Jack Charlton. Paul McGrath played a huge part in putting Ireland on the World Football map and if you ask any Irishman to name the player that gave the greatest performance in an Irish shirt, McGrath’s performance against Italy in the 1994 World Cup would undoubtedly come out on top. These days, a McGrath 15 years younger would become one of the most expensive and sought after players in Europe.

What makes McGrath’s achievements all the more remarkable was his constant battle with alcoholism. As roommate for club and country Tony Cascarino highlighted, “For many years, Irish national team physiotherapist Mick Byrne would sleep outside McGrath’s door just to stop him going out. Hotel receptionists were informed not to deliver any alcoholic drinks, leave a mini-bar in his room, or order any taxis for him to escape to town. McGrath would bribe barmen to ensure that what appeared to be orange juice was topped up with Vodka”. It is even more amazing to learn McGrath’s confession that he was once drunk whilst playing against Alan Shearer. He still marked him out the game.

At Villa he went missing after reporting for training and later turned up at a nearby pub. With Ireland he failed to turn up for a World Cup qualifying match in Albania. These were just two of numerous incidents where McGrath’s indiscipline blighted his career. Many other episodes were covered up to protect him from the media. Even after his retirement, McGrath was sacked as a pundit at the last World Cup when the BBC found out about a drunken incident on the plane to Tokyo.

BBC documentary “Premiership Priory” televised last summer provided an insight into the work of a clinic established by Tony Adams (among others), set up to help addictions being fought by current and former footballers. By the end of the programme the therapist interviewed who had been helping McGrath through his recovery plan confirmed that he had been unable to contact him despite numerous
Phone calls. It is easy to understand how McGrath never opted for a management role, seemingly almost frightened to be amongst a crowd of people. The documentary also alluded to his childhood where he spent time in foster care. Anyone who has read his autobiography will understand the difficulties he faced during his early years in Ireland.

In the last few months McGrath has been spared a court ordeal by his ex-wife after being arrested for drunken and rowdy behaviour outside her house and close friends feared that one more drink could kill him. Best friend Joey Maloney has commented, “George Best was lucky – he got a new liver. But Paul may not be as fortunate if he carries on the way he’s going”. George Best may well have been lucky but whether he has had one chance too many is another question. I just hope Paul McGrath is lucky too and that his involvement back in football at Waterford is a watershed in his life. Thousands of football fans who idolised him on the pitch will argue that a bit of luck is the least he deserves.

Dave Thrilling
17/02/2004

635: The importance of a good capta

by : Alec Peachey

Roy Keane, Paul Ince and Robbie Savage are all players who have captained their respective teams. These guys are what you would describe as hard workers whose main abilities are to battle, motivate the players around them, and above all to never give up.

This is probably why they have all been or still are captains for their clubs/countries. Being a captain is a job that can often be overlooked by many and this seems surprising considering just how important a job it can be. Roy Keane is a fantastic example of this, although he’s not always the most liked player in the world he doesn’t care and gets on with motivating the team he is playing around. Many times you see him shouting at the team to get themselves sorted, but at the same time he is the first on the scene to extinguish any trouble when it flares up. These are the qualities needed to be a good captain so that the rest of the team can look up to you and think oh dear our captains not to happy, lets raise our game, it simply comes through respect.

Tottenham Hotspur are a team who currently lack a good captain and this really showed when they lost to Manchester City in the FA Cup. When 3-0 up at half time they along with their supporters must have imagined themselves coasting into round five. However as we all now know it was not to be as simple as this because Manchester City raised their game considerably in the second half and were a completely different team. They of course went onto to win the game 4-3 and the question has to be asked would this have happened to Tottenham if they’d had a good leader out on the pitch?

The reason I don’t think it would have done is because if the captain had been on the ball then as soon as they’d have let one goal in to leave the match poised at 3-1 he would have given a look to say hang on lads lets not let a comeback be on the cards. Striking fear into the rest of the team the players would have been more likely to keep it a bit tighter and play out for the victory. Sadly for Spurs that day no one did this and they weakly surrendered their great first half advantage.

When you look at England we are fortunate enough to have stayed consistent with the same captain for a while now David Beckham. He was first introduced as captain by Peter Taylor. His best performance as an England player and as captain was without doubt against Greece when he scored that all important free kick to send us to the 2002 World Cup. It wasn’t just the goal that made him stand out in that game it was his sheer persistence and never say die attitude that basically pulled the team through. Some would go as far to say that he single handily put us through; his determination to run at the Greeks and want the ball at every opportunity was there for all to see. The passion and pride that he showed wearing the three lions was a joy to watch.

If a team has a captain who has something about him whom manages to gain respect through his commitment then the team can be that extra bit special they are the heartbeat running through it. As Euro 2004 approaches we look forward to David Beckham leading our beloved England out into battle with no fear, just passion in his eyes and for this we have Peter Taylor to thank.

Alec Peachey
18/02/2004

546: The importance of being Arsene

by : Chris Sherrard

If this trend continues then there is at least some scope for comedy. Though some referees will follow Paul Durkin's lead and admit that they would have made a different decision if given a different view, there are bound to be those who stick rigidly to their guns no matter how absurd their decisions are. Oh how we would have laughed at the explanation offered by the referee who allowed Maradona's Hand of God goal to stand at the 1986 World Cup in Mexico. How we would have chuckled and sniggered at the thoughts of the Russian linesman who gave the Geoff Hurst World Cup Final goal 20 years earlier.

Or would we? More and more now football is becoming a serious business. With huge amounts of money involved, not to mention reputations and employment status on the line week after week, decisions are bound to be costly to someone. Hearing the explanation is scant consolation indeed for the manager sacked for being relegated, or the player banned for three games because one of his team-mates kicked somebody in the air.

Finally, I have to admit that if I had seen this article from a different angle I might not have written it in quite the same way. Does that make it ok?

Stephen Orford
19/01/2004He walked silently and alone through the dead of night in a shadowy North London suburb. Dodging the sleeping homeless bodies and heavy splats of rain which had fallen, almost incessantly, since he landed not quite fresh-faced on these shores as an unknown foreigner just weeks before. This certainly was different from the land of the rising sun which he had left behind.

Although not quite yet comfortable with the delicate, subtle differences between sushi and pie and mash he was slowly accepting his new environment. But there was something on his mind. Something which had drawn him out onto this dark street in the 3am rain. Was it a longing to be back in his homeland across the sea, which had kept him from his bed? Maybe he wanted to taste late-night life in his new city whilst collecting his many thoughts.

No matter what had made him walk the lonely, darkened streets of Islington, the sense of duty soon became clear when he was stopped by two well-oiled young men, cans in hand en-route home from the bright lights of London town. “Oi, mate. Hey mate, int ya the new guvnor of Auurrrsnal?” The confused expression on the face of the man pointed to a lack of fluency in drunken, cockney English but they pressed on, Paxman-esque, with their line of intellectual questioning. “Watcha gonner do wiv the back four? Innit time to gissus a decent midfield?” The foreigner shrugged his shoulders and moved on. As he edged away from them, the men passionately and in unison exclaimed: ‘I love you, you’re my best friend’. The foreigner just about understood this from his English classes at school in his French homeland. He concluded that the drunken duo were a gay couple much in love and keen to continue the English tradition of welcoming those from overseas with open arms. The bemused Frenchman smiled nervously and moved on but the thoughts of what he was going to do with his new team were indeed bouncing about in his head – albeit in a different language. And sober.

Important decisions were made there and then. He took a gamble on his untried compatriots. He decided the old guard had to go. He replaced them with fresh, sprightly Frenchmen unproven at the very top but loaded with talent and potential. He decided there and then that Paul Merson, John Hartson and David Hillier were dispensable. In their places he figured on Patrick Vieira, Manu Petit and unheard-of Nicholas Anelka. It was a gamble on which he was placing his newly secured job. But not only did he achieve what he had formulated in his mind that night, he did it in style and astounded many, angering some. His name was Arsene Wenger. He was, and continues to be, a winner.

That extract from my new novel – ‘The sentimentality of going over the top in the name of football’, by Chris ‘pass me a tissue’ Sherrard – highlights in complete factual detail the time Arsene Wenger came to English football. Ok, so it’s dramatising things in a way JK Rowling would be proud of but the success element of the story continues to ring true. This very season, with much focus on Manchester United and the cash-injected Chelsea, Arsenal came into the new year as easily the only unbeaten team in the league.

Thierry Henry’s contribution to the Highbury cause has been extraordinary. His ability and influence is beyond compare in football right now. He has been backed up by strong, solid displays throughout the team and Arsenal’s dominance and winning-streak shows no sign of dwindling.

But it is their manager who deserves most of the plaudits. It is he who has created this team and festered it into a redoubtable force. He it was who plucked Vieira from Milan’s reserves and Anelka from evenings out at happy hours in Paris bistros. He also has secured Sol Campbell for nothing from the other side of north London and turned Henry from promising winger into devastating striker. He also carefully phased out the old defensive guard replacing them with younger, livelier models. This has been his toughest task to date but it looks like he is close to establishing a back four which he feels can compete with the Adams, Winterburn et al unit. Just 14 league goals conceded this season bears witness to this assumption.

The big test is maintaining a challenge on both home and foreign shores. They are certainly well-placed domestically and the demolition job of Inter Milan in the San Siro served as proof that The Gunners can live with anyone in Europe on their day. They’ll hope that Arsene Wenger continues to be the man who leads their challenge because without him it is unthinkable for Arsenal supporters. He has become Arsenal. Well, that’s all I have to say. You are free to go. If you want me I’ll be filling in for Tarantino writing his new family film – ‘Do Everything You Can To Save Bill’s Life: Volume One’. First Aid Kit anyone?

Chris Sherrard
18/01/2004

587: Premiership hall of fame: Roy

by : Chris Sherrard

Don’t scoff! You may not like the man but Roy Keane the player is one you would definitely want in your team. Don’t lie. He is. He has been the driving, barracking no-nonsense heartbeat of the Manchester United team for more than a decade now and is still doing the business. Can’t nobody hold him down?

Roy Keane is the man his team-mates fear most. Some may call it bullying. Some may call it undue pressure. For me, though, if the Irishman wasn’t in Manchester United’s team they wouldn’t have got close to the superb premier league record which they possess. Simple as that. The way he cajoles and inspires and motivates and pushes his own team ensure that their standards are always at the highest they can be. There can be no complacent play with Keane in your team. He would not stand for it. And why should he? He doesn’t want to be giving everything he has to each match only for his team-mates to stroll through. If Roy Keane is playing hard, so are you. He is, as frightening a proposition as they may be, Sir Alex Ferguson on the field of play.

Where do you start when surmising what the Cork man brings to his team? Well, there’s his engine and ability to get from box to box and back again. Naturally some of his capabilities in this area have faded in keeping with the passing of years but what he has now is still better than what a lot of footballers will ever have. He can tackle impeccably. Ok, he might miss-time them on occasion but the vast majority of his tackles are hard and fair. In the air he is strong for his under-6ft build, his short range passing is always good, he links United’s play with neat, clever passes and is often the link-man for successful moves starting at the back and ending in the net. Few talk about the goalscoring side of Roy Keane these days. When he arrived from Nottingham Forest in 1993 it was that perfectly timed arrival in the box which he was best known for. That burst of energy to support his team was the major attribute United had paid close to £4million for. Yeah, and the rest. His current record stands at around fifty goals for Fergie’s men. The role he took up in the team post-Ince, Robson and Cantona and since the goals impact of Scholes and Cole served to curb the attacking instincts of Keane’s game. He tightened his reins. He sat deeper and done the hard work which allowed others to score the goals.

Roy Keane has won seven league titles with his current club. I would suggest that If he had played all of the 1997-98 season, rather than sweating it out on cycle-machines in the gym recovering from a serious knee injury, that figure would be higher. It’s hard to look beyond the fact that he was absent when United faltered and there when they thrived. Manchester United don’t often lose when Keane is marshalling the midfield.

I think, though, that the summary of Roy Keane as the footballer can be made pointing to the Champions League campaign which his club won in 1999. Of course, he didn’t play against Bayern Munich in the memorable final but the fact that Manchester United were there was down, almost entirely, to Roy Keane. In Turin, with his side trailing 2-0 after just ten minutes against Juventus, the time came for heroes to stand up and be counted. It came as no surprise to anyone when the fiery Irishman donned his superman cloak and dumped the Italians out of Europe. But what makes this even more impressive is the fact that he picked up a costly booking for a nothing tackle which meant he would not be playing in the final, regardless of the result. Did he cry and go to pieces, a la Gascoigne? Did he switch off and allow his thoughts to drift to his summer holidays? You knew he wouldn’t. Keane became the everywhere man. He ran the show like no-one had ever done before. Zidane and Davids were made to look like headless chickens in the farmyard cup. He scored one and drove the team on to clinch the match. This was to be Keane’s finest game of his career, and that’s quite a statement given the number of faultless displays he has put in since arriving at Old Trafford in 1993. It sums the man up - the way he put his team-mates, his manager and the fans above his own bitter disappointment.

No one needs me to tell them that he should still be captaining his country. The reasons and causes of Keane halting his international career on just 58 caps have been well-documented and much debated. He has, its fair to say, made a number of foes over the course of his professional career. But when the dust has settled on each of the arguments he has entered into, 2002 in Saipan particularly, the rationale behind his outbursts were often vindicated. The way he goes about things might not be to the liking of everyone, but the results speak for themselves. The methods may irk some but they demand attention.

Roy Keane is undeniably a footballer you need on your side.

Chris Sherrard
03/02/2004

579: 'Ear' comes 21st century footb

by : Chris Owens

For a country whose critics claim the only things famous about it are chocolate, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Poirot, Belgium certainly seems to throw up figures who help revolutionise football. Following Jean-Marc Bosman and his impact on the transfer system, a little known goalkeeper may have played his part in ending the sight of red-faced managers barking instructions from the sidelines.

Recently, the Genk goalkeeper Jan Moons played in their 1-0 victory over Club Brugge with his manager Aime Antheunie's instructions ringing in his ears, due to the intriguing use of an earpiece to aid communication. Moons said afterwards: 'Two or three times he gave me tactical information, which I passed onto my defenders'.

At the same time in Scotland, similar ideas are under investigation. Using equipment designed by Glasgow-based RF Sports, the company that provides the SPL referees with their earpieces and microphones, Dunfermline under 21s and under 17s have tested the use of earpieces in match conditions.

So is this the start of a technological revolution, with footballers running round with microphone headsets like pop stars and security guards do?

FIFA has been ambiguous in its response. Article 4 of the FIFA laws only states that equipment must not endanger the safety of the players, hence Edgar Davids' famous goggles being allowed. Spokesman Nicholas Maingot admitted: 'There is no reference in the rules to this because it is completely new'. A FIFA meeting in London on February 28 has been set to discuss this issue amongst others. But the FA seems quite open-minded. Executive Director David Davies told BBC Sport: 'We haven't got a firm stance on the subject, but we've always been interested in new technology'.

Not surprisingly, opinion within the game is split. 'Old school' bosses such as former Partick manager John Lambie are sceptical. 'Players need to be focused on the game at hand. They don't need a raving madman roaring in their ear!'. Dunfermline boss Jimmy Calderwood was also unsure, but on seeing the experiment at his club remarked: 'I was sceptical because I've got a big enough mouth anyway. But when you are away to Celtic or Rangers, it's difficult to communicate'. Scotland manager Berti Vogts seems even more enthusiastic: 'With this system a manager could change positions of his players very quickly and give individual team orders'.

As in many cases, football lags behind other sports on this issue. Formula 1 uses radios to communicate between the driver and pit crew. NFL quarterbacks are given instructions and codes from a number of coaching staff placed around the stadium. In cricket, controversy was caused in the 1999World Cup match between India and South Africa, when South Africa's English coach Bob Woolmer communicated to captain Hansie Cronje and fast bowler Alan Donald via a one-way earpiece. Although umpires are allowed to communicate with TV officials using similar technology, the traditionalists felt Woolmer's tactics 'went against the spirit of the game', an argument I feel many in football will echo.

Perhaps at the moment it would be too big a step to have even one player linked up to the manager via an earpiece. However, coaches and officials should not have any fears about implementing this technology. The system in Scotland, where referees and assistants are linked up so they can communicate, would be an excellent addition across professional football. More managers should follow the example of Sam Allardyce and Steve MacClaren, who already use microphone headsets to communicate with coaches placed around the ground, coaches who have better tactical views than managers confined to the dugout.

Whilst the debate continues, it seems managers will continue to have to have the vocal delivery of Chris Kamara to get their message across!

Chris Owens
30/01/2004

581: Premiership hall of fame: Eric

by : Chris Sherrard

Mention the name of this flamboyant Frenchman to any Manchester United fan around when he ruled Old Trafford with a proud swagger and they’ll tell you that Eric Cantona is truly the modern day king of football.

Mention his name to supporters of Leeds United and you’ll get a completely different viewpoint. No matter what your personal opinion of the philosophy loving foreigner is, you can’t deny his presence in English football made it a much brighter, more exciting place to follow football.

Eric Cantona crossed the Pennines in 1992 for little over £1million and instantly became part of the celebrated Manchester United family. His impact was so strong, and his performances so inspirational that he soon became a key member of that family. He became the head of it. Few United moves came to fruition without the involvement of the Frenchman. He orchestrated all that was good about Manchester united as they went about making the premier league title their own and it is to him that Alex Ferguson often points to as the driving force of their dominance.

For a crop of talented, but untried and inexperienced teenagers Cantona became the man they looked up to above all others. They had a role model they could approach an aspire to be and it’s arguable whether Scholes, Beckham, Giggs and the others would have completely become the players they are today without the Gallic God as their mentor.

The mercurially talented Cantona was much travelled before United’s call but he quickly settled in the north-west, forging a relationship of mutual respect with his team-mates and manager. His outstanding flair and creativity cut open many an opposition defence and the development of Cantona’s habit of scoring crucial, match-winning goals will have pleased Sir Alex beyond words.

Five English league titles, two FA Cups and two footballer of the year awards are the sum total of Eric Cantona’s mere six years in the domestic game. But his contribution will be felt for many years to come. He scored in almost half the international matches he played for France after entering the national team arena a year after the Platini-inspired Les Bleus had come close to World Cup glory in Mexico. He ended on 43 caps.

Of course, like so many talented people are, he was not without his flaws. He famously disagreed with a Crystal Palace fan at Selhurst Park back in 1995 and suffered the consequences of his ill-advised reactions. His temperament often overtook the footballing ability and his brushes with authorities, notably in his French homeland, became infamous. From a football point of view, Cantona’s displays in the premier league for Manchester united were rarely recreated when it came to European football. That he couldn’t transfer league form to the champions league remains mysterious but should be considered alongside the fact that he was among the greatest players we have ever had in our domestic league.

The King may have long descended from his throne among the Old Trafford public but his legend will live on. His image will always be that of leader to United’s brilliant new generation, idol of the fans and mesmeriser of defences up and down the country.

Chris Sherrard
28/01/2004

572: Leonidas da Silva 1913 - 2004

by : Errol Lawrence

If Pele was “the culmination of fifty years of Brazilian football”, his most illustrious predecessor was surely Leonidas da Silva, who died in January at the age of ninety after a long struggle with diabetes and Alzheimers disease.

A small, dapper man, with a broad smile and a casual demeanour, Leonidas was the most popular footballer of his time and the first Brazilian forward to win world renown.

Playing at inside- or centre-forward, Leonidas was a magician who possessed all of the great virtues. He had speed, excellent technique and an incomparable elasticity. He was the player who patented, if not invented the bicycle kick, and was known in Brazil as “O Homen Borracha” (the rubber man). Leonidas played for some of the great clubs in Brazil and Penarol in Uruguay and was capped 23 times, making his debut for Brazil in 1932 at the age of eighteen and scoring twice against Uruguay. He represented his country in two world cups, becoming the tournament’s leading goalscorer in 1938, with eight goals in four games. After that tournament, Europe feted him as “The Black Diamond” – a soubriquet which underwrote his value and the esteem in which he was held.

Leonidas was something of a pioneer and acutely aware of his own worth. One of his earliest clubs secured his services only after supplying him with two suits, two pairs of shoes and two pairs of gloves as part of his signing on fee. He was also the first Brazilian footballer to endorse a product – a chocolate bar named Diamante Negro was produced in his honour, which to this day remains one of the most popular in Brazil. His image was also featured on packets of cigarillos. He became one of Botafogo’s first black players at a time when Brazilian football was barely integrated – he was later manager of the club – and his style of play and popularity saw him held up as an example of racial integration in Brazil and helped football become firmly embedded in the culture of the nation.

In the early 1940s, a short gaol term for avoidance of military service did little to damage his public appeal. In 1942, after his release, a crowd of more than 70 000 people watched his debut for Sao Paulo. After retirement in 1949 he became a prominent radio commentator.

In Brazil, the memory of an explosive and singularly gifted player who paved the way for every great Brazilian forward from Ademir to Ronaldo remains indelible. Leonidas was an undisputed choice in each of the all-time representative national teams chosen by Brazilian media at the turn of the last century. A dramatised film of his life is scheduled for release in 2005.

Errol Lawrence
27/01/2004

622: Unsung heroes: Ray Parlour

by : Chris Owens

'It's alright, it's only Ray Parlour'. Remember the immortal Fanzone commentary of Sky Soccer AM's Chelsea fan Tim Lovejoy? Of course, seconds later the Arsenal man curls home a magnificent opening goal to the 2002 FA cup final, setting up the Gunners for the second leg of their double winning season. Whilst football may well be the 'new rock and roll', with players such as Beckham, Henry and Van Niistelrooy idolised as players are seen as 'celebrity icons', it's the 'old school' types like Parlour who help to keep the traditional link between the players and the supporters alive.

Whereas many argue it's difficult to relate to footballers in the modern era, what with their incredible wage packets and jet-set lifestyles, looking at players like Ray Parlour gives heart to us 'mortals' in the stands. You take a look at him and you think 'I can do that, I could be like him', despite the fact he is an invaluable member of one of the best squads in Europe.

Following his debut in a 2-0 defeat at Anfield back in January 1992, Parlour's early years typified the latter era of George Graham's 'boring Arsenal'. A hard-working but technically limited midfield player, many felt he was running on borrowed time. Indeed it seemed his best displays were kept for his legendary drinking sessions with Tony Adams, who recalls in his autobiography 'Addicted': 'It became a long-standing joke between Ray and myself that the birth of a baby was a good excuse for a bender and we should go to the hospital more often to check out the new-born so we could go out and celebrate.'

Many felt the arrival of Arsene Wenger - the man Parlour would soon dub 'Inspector Clouseau' - would spell the end of his time at Highbury. Even the man himself had doubts: 'There was a feeling I wasn't good enough to play for Arsenal. And when he brought in the French lads I had the feeling I was on the way out. Instead the manager sold Paul Merson. He gave me the chance I was craving.'

And how he grabbed that chance with both hands. Even if at times not an automatic choice, Parlour has played a vital role in Arsenal's resurgence, both wide on the right and infield, battling away in the engine room. The old attributes of hard work and commitment were coupled with greater professionalism and new found passing and dribbling skills, impressing the foreign imports so much that Dutch flyer Marc Overmars dubbed him the 'Romford Pele'.

New midfield players have been brought in over the years, seemingly to replace him in the squad, but he has fought for and kept his position, even with great players such as Pires and Ljungberg competing for similar roles. Many clubs have watched from afar desperate to tempt him into leaving, but to no avail.

Sadly Parlour has not had a great deal of international recognition. It is rumoured Glenn Hoddle stopped picking him after he turned up to a 'healing session' with Eileen Drewrey and asked her for a short back and sides! In the last couple of years he has been unfortunate that England has produced an excellent crop of young midfield players blocking his way back into contention.

With Parlour continuing to play an energetic part in Arsenal's pursuit of glory, Gooners can look with pride at 'one of them' who has come good. The 'Charlie Dimmock of Football' may be into his 30's, but will take some shifting from Highbury. And whilst stars like Pires, Henry and Vieira should be cherished, so to should boy from Romford, a player who the fans can really empathise with.

Chris Owens
07/02/2004

580: Premiership hall of fame: Tony

by : Chris Sherrard

If you are going to have any man leading your team out into a crucial domestic or international match the chances are that you’ll be calling on Tony Adams. The legendary Arsenal battler was the driving force behind many a fine display. Is he the best defender we have had in the Premier League’s history? I’d say yes.

Almost seven hundred appearances spanning 18 years of service with just one club underline the commitment and loyalty which Adams inspired throughout his illustrious career. He was the leader of all leaders and the defender to exceed all defenders.

From the moment the lanky teenager stepped onto Arsenal’s overgrown training pitch in the mid-eighties, Tony Adams has become synomonous with Arsenal Football Club. Infact, as he took his last bow in 2002 he had become the embodiment of the club. Even now, when you think of Arsenal it’s not long before you think of Adams.

His pride at playing for The Gunners was only ever matched by the honour he had in playing international football and representing his nation. It’s rather fitting that Adams was born in the most famous year for English football - 1966. Then, another great leader of men marshalled England’s back four with skill and elegance. Long term, Bobby Moore had a natural successor.

As a 22-year old, Tony Adams slipped the captains armband on and led his side with ease. It came so natural to him it was easy to overlook the fact that he was still so young. Within one season, in 1989, he had led his side to a heart-thumping title triumph at Highbury, a match which will long live in the minds of those who where there or glued at home to The Big Match on television.

It took a strong man to stand firm in the face of 1990’s highs and lows when, after helping his country to the semi-finals of the World Cup, Adams found himself on the wrong side of a two month jail sentence for drink-driving. But he bounced back to once again guide the north-Londoners to the league title - their second in three seasons.

He was a motivating influence in the England camps of five national team managers, whether he wore the armband or not. In his 66 displays with the three lions proudly emblazoned on his chest he rarely put a foot wrong. He rarely put a foot wrong full stop. He was the original Mr Consistent. Confident in possession and fearless in the tackle the Romford hero was as good a defender as there has been in the last ten years. Maybe longer.

And even though he lifted ten major trophies in a glittering career on the field, it is off it that most people will see the inspiration in Tony Adams. His honesty and bravery in tackling head-on the inner troubles which had threatened to get the better of him are admirable. The way he has tried to steer the younger members of his profession away from the pitfalls he succumbed to is indicative of the man. He is an inspiration.

Chris Sherrard
28/01/2004

644: UEFA 2004 ticket farce, part t

by : Paul Benjamin

Like thousands of others, I have been trying in vain to procure at least one ticket to see England at Euro 2004.

This is no great surprise; over 50,000 England supporters are rumoured to be arriving in Portugal this June and most of them won’t have tickets. Many, however, will have tickets that cost them ten times the original price.

The two official and - if you believe the authorities – only methods of buying tickets are through Uefa and the 16 competing football associations. Both will tell you that England’s games are sold out. However, it took me a total of five minutes to find countless agencies on the internet with tickets available for each game. A 60-second phone call to one of them revealed that I could buy 15 category three tickets (the cheap seats) for England v France, all sitting next to each other, for the princely sum of £4800. No, your maths does not deceive you; that’s £320 per ticket. The original Uefa price? 35 euros (£24).

There are many of these tickets available from all manner of agencies. Enraged, I phoned Uefa to find out why so few of us ‘ordinary’ fans are able to get tickets at their original price. All I got was the standard spiel, the same that can be found on their website. This includes quotes such as, “….Euro 2004, S.A. was taking legal action to protect its interests and those of its partners and clients. "We are being very strict with all illegal ways of selling tickets, and we will take judicial and criminal action against people or organisations who break our rules."

And, under the bleakly amusing headline of ‘Shady Business’, the statement goes on to say, “The business and legal affairs expert was also keen to remind the public that in many cases, those advertising tickets for the finals had none to sell, and that those who responded to such adverts were frequently prey to the actions of fraudsters.”

This is all very well for those who have paid money to a stranger on Ebay, but we are talking about what appear to be legitimate companies selling illegal tickets. I say legitimate because I have checked their VAT numbers and addresses, most of which are real, and the fact that they sell tickets for virtually every sporting event imaginable. There is a huge industry in ticket sales and it is possible to make vast profits from having organised teams of buyers snapping up tickets the moment they go on sale and passing them on to the public at wildly inflated prices.

The FA wouldn’t return my phone calls but have been making the same noises as Uefa. This issue has been going on for years and the authorities, whilst saying or publishing the right words, rarely seem to do anything about it. There seems to be an attitude of ‘ignore it, it’ll go away’. Maybe it’s a grand ruse to price the hooligans out of the game? At least that would be a slightly excusable policy but somehow one doesn’t get the impression that’s the plan.

Uefa’s press statement concludes with the following: “With the Portuguese government also co-operating with Euro 2004, S.A., …legal action could easily be taken against those who make fraudulent applications.”

Excuse my cynicism but I won’t be holding my breath for that to happen. If it does, all well and good but somehow I think the fan is bound to lose out once again…

Paul Benjamin
18/02/2004

598: Its only a gameshow so...

by : Tim Heming

Cheesy; irritating; deceased, just a few verbals that trip off the tongue to sum up one of the most lovable breeds of our society – the gameshow host. Yet few would have imagined that these chirpy, amiable types are some of the most esteemed commentators on the greatest sport of all. Looking back through the annuls of daytime TV gameshows, I’ve dug out some classics for you!

“If it's there I'll give you the money meself!" Les Dennis makes a prediction as Gareth Southgate steps up to the penalty spot.

“Just say what you see.“ Roy Walker tries to tell the Referees Association that their job really isn’t that hard.

“Blankety Blank – and don’t forget to pick up your cheque book and bung” Les Dawson reporting on George Graham's Arsenal years.

“Let’s see what you could have won.” Jim Bowen rubs it in as Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle blow that massive Premiership lead.

“Can I have a P please?” Bob Holness on being signed up to UK Sport to make sure no further drug’s test go awry.

“Pot! As many balls as you can.” Jim Davidson on drug abuse, and Arsenal’s new signing having his testicles nibbled at Seville.

“You are the weakest link, goodbye.” Anne Robinson shows no mercy to a clearly below-par Marcus Babbel as he is shipped out of Anfield.

“Nice to see you, to see you Nice.” Brucie reveals Liverpool have been drawn against a French side in the next round or the UEFA Cup:

“It’s good but it’s not right.” Roy Walker, on Sepp Blatter’s ‘girls in tight shorts’ comment.

“Go Wild with the Eyals.” Dale Winton instructs John Hartson to volley Berkovic’s head.

“Come on Down.” Nationwide spokesman Lesley Crowther issues a plea to Leeds United.

“You AllWhite, They’re AllWhite.” Michael Barrymore comments on the potential colour clash in the Leeds Utd v Real Madrid European Champions League final that never was.

“But, we don’t wanna give you that.” Chris Tarrant sneers at the visitors to Old Trafford as yet more penalty pleas fall on deaf ears.

“Didn’t they do (Mother) well?” Brucie, again, on a thumping away victory for Celtic at Fir Park.

“Enter…Stranger.” Treguard (from early-90s kid’s fantasy role-play show Knightmare) to Emille Heskey as he approaches the six-yard-box.

Tim Heming
05/02/2004

578: Premiership hall of fame: Alan

by : Chris Sherrard

ALAN SHEARER

In the first of a potentially endless series, we take a look at the names and personalities who have lit up the premier league over more than ten years. Many called out for recognition, a handful got the nod. So, where better to kick-off than with arguably the greatest premier league player of them all? Step forward Alan Shearer.

Even if, like me, he hasn’t played for your club, you can’t deny that he is the finest, most complete striker we have seen. Shearer stands tall above all others as the goal-scorer supreme. Even now, twelve or so years after he first hit the net in a premier league match he is still listed among the top scorers in the country. The man is simply a phenomenon.

The youngest player ever to score a first class hat-trick when he was with Southampton as an 18-year old, Alan Shearer’s ascent to hero status really begun when he joined the revolution at Blackburn. Presumably watched in a Russian office by a young, excitable entrepreneur by the name of Roman, Shearer and Jack Walker’s Ewood outfit bought their way to the Premier League title.

Two goals on his debut for Rovers after his £3million plus transfer as a fresh-faced 22-year old made the football world take notice. They have been watching transfixed ever since. For the record he scored 16 goals in just 21 appearances that season and followed it up with 31 in the next campaign. Alan Shearer had arrived, big-time. 37 goals in the next season brought the league crown to Kenny Dalglish and his Blackburn boys and moved Super Al into football’s superstars bracket.

The title-winning season of 94-95 remains Shearer’s only team success but three consecutive seasons of 30-plus goals and dynamic, uncontrollable personal displays earned him a regular England berth, a handful of player of the year awards and a £15million trip home to his beloved toon army.

That world record fee now looks like a bargain buy and no-one on Tyneside would ever argue with the wisdom of Kevin Keegan’s purchase. Alan Shearer had come home. His time at St James has coincided with an avalanche of praise and records. I could tell you that he was the first man to hit 100 premier league goals, the first man to score 200 premier league goals and the first man to score over 100 goals for two different clubs.

We haven’t even touched upon the fact that Shearer possessed a scoring record of better than a goal every other game for England in an international career which saw him capped 63 times and lead the nation into a World Cup and European Championships. He also made the podium for both the European Player of the Year and World Footballer of the Year awards. None of this would surprise you, though.

Because no other forward can even come close to matching his goals record in the first decade of premier league football. He is the complete English centre forward. Un-movable from the ball, power of shot only equalled by a machine gun and an unrestricted range of goal-scoring combine to make Alan Shearer the greatest player we have seen in the last ten years.

If we see another player of Alan Shearer’s ability and influence it will be both a pleasure and a privilege.

Chris Sherrard
28/01/2004

641: Isn't it about time Newcastle

by : Chris Sherrard

Two hours later I pulled on a football top for the first time in four years. I’ve enclosed a cutting of the match report of the Eastway Rovers vs. Harchester game from the Daily Biz so you can judge for yourself how well you thought my debut went.

~begins~

FERGUSON IS HERO TURNED VILLAIN

Harchester seal late win against battling ten-man Rovers

Eastway Rovers crashed to a 2-1 defeat against Harchester as fallen idol Jack Ferguson had a game of two halves on his debut at Lea Road on Saturday.

The ex-Everton striker got his first match in football for four years off to a super start with the opening goal on 36 minutes. Ferguson picked up the ball on the edge of the box before cutting inside and rifling home an unstoppable right-foot shot that flew low past Harchester ‘keeper Viv Wright.

The assembled media who were watching Ferguson closely from the stands were filled with hope after this fabulous goal but were puzzled by the 19-year-old’s second-half performance.

He missed several clear-cut chances before taking his frustrations out on midfielder Marcel Sabatier after 54 minutes with a late lunge that saw him receive a straight red card. After remonstrating with the referee, Ferguson made his way down the tunnel for an early bath.

Harchester, too strong for Rovers’ ten men, scored two second-half goals through goal-machine Karl Fletcher. The first was an exquisite 15-yard volley on 67 minutes and the second was fired home from close range on 89 minutes to steal the three points right at the death…

~ ends ~

My debut didn’t quite go to plan. I got off to a wonderful start with what was a cracking goal even by my standards and I was really turning it on in front of the cameras. Then the second-half was the complete opposite. So what happened? Something happened at half-time. Custer had picked his moment to interrupt my game and resume his game.

I have to stop writing now, Jonny. Sophia and I have made plans for the weekend. Oh, I’ll explain all about Sophia in my next letter and, more importantly, what happened (between us) at half-time.

Write to you soon and thanks again for the money,

I owe you one,

Take care,

Jack.”

What next for Jack? A reply is in the post tomorrow, my boy. That reminds me, I must tune in to Sky One tonight at 8pm for the latest episode of Dream Team, the football drama in which Harchester continue with their season.

Jonny Hall
18/02/2004They were the bright young things of the English game. The team of exuberant and talented youths set to make a dent on the Manchester United/Arsenal domination of our domestic game. Even if not quite good or experienced enough yet, it was clear that they were moving in the right direction.

After a couple of promising seasons, tails were up and hopes were raised that this might, finally, be the year when success came to the black and whites of Newcastle United. It’s not just their own fans that were behind them. Most true football fans can easily recognise this to be a team, this to be a manager, worthy of success. And any success would do.

Newcastle United is one of those clubs where the faintest whiff of silverware is enough to trigger the most uncontrollable and vociferous celebrations imaginable. The support they receive from the fans is incredible considering that the number of trophies they have won in the last fifty years can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

But the tubs of silver polish have been kept firmly shut at St James Park since they won the second division championship in 1992-93 – their last sight of glory. Not many people would begrudge the Toon Army a trophy. Not many could imagine a more fitting man than Sir Bobby Robson to bring them it.

It doesn’t look like it will be this season though. Dreams of glorious Champions League evenings in front of packed houses at St James Park and a tilt at infiltrating the elite corps at the head of the Premiership faded before we had even left September. A modest Partisan Belgrade side pipped the Magpies to the group stage of Europe’s premier competition and the knock-on effect of this shock exit led to costly early defeats on the domestic front.

It was October before the Geordies won a Premiership match – an uninspiring 1-0 victory over Southampton. The gamble of keeping their noses out of the summer transfer market had backfired. Robson’s only pre-season signing, Lee Bowyer, has failed to inspire on Tyneside. He has played little more than ten matches due to injury, a fact which makes the decision to let crowd favourite, Nobby Solano, go to Aston Villa in January a questionable one.

It is Bowyer’s brother-in-infamy, Jonathan Woodgate, who proves to be the most significant member of the squad – Alan Shearer is exempt from classification here due to his consistent and continued brilliance. When Woodgate is marshalling the Toon defence they look an infinitely more solid, watertight unit. He has played around the same number of games as his ex-Leeds team-mate though and this goes a long way to explain why Robson’s men are in a scrap for fourth spot rather than battling it out for the league title.

It’s not just that, of course. Only the sainted Shearer is in double figures for league goals. Even he can’t do it all himself. Bellamy’s long-term injuries have presented others with plausible striking opportunities but no-one has yet looked capable of being a convincing second striker and this is clearly an area Robson and his assistant, John Carver, will be looking to sufficiently strengthen when the end of season bell tolls. Kluivert in black and white next season? Surely a more attractive prospect for the Gallowgate faithful than the prospect of the recently departed Carl Cort leading the line.

Naturally, there have been reasonable performances, otherwise the men from the Tyne would be further down the table. The usual suspects have kept them in the hunt – Shearer, Given, Bernard and Dyer have caught the eye. But the early-season lack of form of last season’s best young player in the country, Jermaine Jenas, has been both confusing and worrying.

He appears to be returning to something like the standard he was at last year but he will need to keep improving because Newcastle United have a fight on their hands if they are to exercise the demons of Champions League Past. Liverpool, Charlton, Aston Villa, Birmingham and Fulham are all well poised for assaults on the fourth spot Newcastle finished in last season. Other clubs, like Spurs and Bolton, are building momentum and could be in a position to make a strike soon. Newcastle fans, players and management better have the stomach for an almighty fight.

They may have failed to live up to the promise of previous campaigns, but with a dozen or so games still to be played Sir Bobby and his men have the time and ability to send their legions of loyal and proud supporters into the summer break with hope intact. Hope that next season will be the one they get to parade through Tyneside celebrating a major trophy. Hope that they are genuinely building potential champions at their club. Hope that their manager is still the right manager. Because hope is what every Newcastle fan has learnt to cling to. They will unquestionably get there one day… just don’t ask me when.

Chris Sherrard
19/02/2004

640: Uncle Jonny: Ferguson is hero

by : Jonny Hall

Uncle Jonny: Ex-Everton star almost screwed – Part One

Last time on Uncle Jonny: “£5,000 by midday tomorrow - £2,500 to stop me going to the Press and £2,500 to stop me going to the Police, you got that?” My nephew, Jack dug a big hole for himself so let’s see if he can climb his way out as I open the envelope containing his latest eye-opening letter…

“Uncle Jonny,

Thanks for the reply. A lot has happened in the two weeks since my last letter. I was only kidding about you sending me a cheque to bail me out. It’s been a complicated past couple of weeks so I’ll talk you through what happened or, should I say, what happened to me.

Having found out in no uncertain terms that I had 24 hours to magically pluck five grand out of thin air, I panicked. Like you do. Why is it you ask yourself so many questions when you’re worried? So many questions battered my brain, but they all came back to the first one and that was where on earth am I going to get this money? Get yourself together you paranoid idiot, I thought. When I need an idea I can’t be sat still so I… but then the phone rang again…

… (It’s Saturday 31 January 2004, 9am) ”Hi Gaffer, what’s up?” I say, no doubt sounding a little on edge.

That was my manager, Steve Thompson, checking up on me, making sure I’ll be at Eastway Rovers’ Lea Road ground at 2.00pm ready for my first game in Rovers’ colours against Harchester, live on Sky One.

Christ almighty is it 9am already? Three hours ago I was given my ultimatum: to lose £5,000 or face public humiliation and a court case. Well, I’m not losing £5,000 because I haven’t got that sort of money after I blew it on the bad stuff. Doesn’t time fly when you’re not having fun eh? Well, by my watch I’ve got three hours to be at the Hillbank Industrial Estate with the money and five hours to be at the ground all in one piece. Or else I’m busted. Hard and fast – just the way I like it.

Now it’s my turn to do the calling. I pick up the phone and dial.

“Hi is that Matt Robinson? It’s Jack Ferguson here, yes, the Jack Ferguson, ex-Everton player.

“Hi Jack, I’d recognise that voice any day,” he replied.

“I’m interested in starring in one of your episodes of Footballers Wives on ITV, just as a cameo or even as a walk-on. Anything. Is there anything going?”

There’s a pause (By the way, I would’ve gone through my agent to do this sort of commercial work, well, before he abandoned me, but anyway…) “We’re sorry, Jack, but there’s nothing available at the current time, I’m afraid,” he says, trying to adopt a sympathetic tone but failing miserably…

Jonny, can you remember when I starred as myself in a single episode of Footballers’ Wives as a one-off. Must’ve been about five years ago, when my fame and success was obviously a major attraction for these TV companies. How times have changed. As you’ll have learnt, my first idea of coming up with the money failed with flying colours. It was 11am when I found the cheque you sent me. I can’t thank you enough for that. So I had one hour to go with half of what I needed in my pocket. The hour between realising I hadn’t got enough money and delivering the derisory sum was one of the most wrenching of my life and I won’t mull over it again.

… (It’s Saturday 31 January 2004, midday) Where am I meant to be here? The Hillbank Industrial Estate, located at the heart of East Cheam’s factory metropolis, is a big site, one you could quite easily get lost in. After following Custer’s instructions on where to drop off the cash, I approach a metal door from which a man emerges and glares in my direction. We both know what we’re here to do.

“You got the money, kid?”

“Got some money. Here, take it.” I drop the bag at his feet.

He bends, picks up the bag, unzips the top and peers in. “There’s never five grand here. How much?” Everything is so blunt with these gangster-types. Although he’s an odd-looking gangster.

“Half,” I reply, keeping up the trend of saying nothing out of turn.

“Where’s the other half?”

“Haven’t got it. And I know, I know. I know what the deal is. But I can’t give you what I haven’t got, can I?”

“My main man is not going to be happy,” he replies, referring to Custer, who it’s just dawned on me isn’t here to take the money and has used one of his dopey friends instead. Coward.

There’s no negotiation, as Custer’s dopey mate hops into a black 4x4 with blacked out windows – yes, quite like the movies - and is whisked off down the road, out of the gate and then out of sight. My fate unknown…

642: Harry Flatcap and I'm a footba

by : Steve Heald

Hello viewers! Harry Flatcap here, with the news and behind the scenes gossip on the hottest football related reality TV show on the planet! I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

It was a sad day today as we bid farewell to our first unlucky contestant. Gerard Houllier reluctantly packed his bag and said a mournful goodbye to the rest of the managers staying in the jungle. At least I think he was mournful, his expression and demeanour have barely changed since he joined our happy throng at the commencement of the show. Personally, I was reminded of the cartoon character Droopy whenever I conversed with him.

“Oh well”, he’d wine with that sorrowful French drawl “better get out of my hammock now and see what’s bitten me in the night. Oh, I suppose we’ll be eating rocks and wood lice for breakfast again today. Then I suppose it will be my turn again to be buried up to my neck from mid day to evening…”

Actually I must admit that was a brilliant idea by that cheeky scholar Arsene Wenger who forged documents using eucalyptus leaves and fungus looking just like tasks we had been set that day to perform by the competition organisers. By making it look like poor old Gerard had to be buried every day it got the miserable sod out of our hair for a few hours each day. A cunning plan by Arsene whose popularity has soared, making him a big favourite to emerge as winner come the end of the show.

The voting was tight however. Mad bonkers barmy Graham Taylor ran Gerard close before the French one finally succumbed. I do believe the ex-England supremo has lost his marbles. Well, more than he’s lost when he was the England gaffer anyway. A conversation about the various merits of tactical systems was being discussed round the camp fire the other evening. Sadly, Gerard had been dug up and he was staunchly advocating the 9-0-1 tactical ploy, particularly if your 1 is Michael Owen and one of your 9 is Stephen Gerrard, who can thump the ball very far into Michaels direction.

Arguing the opposite view was Kevin Keegan, with his 1-4-5 cavalier approach. Kevs view was why should he bother with defenders when history has demonstrated that every single one he has ever signed was crap. He is good at signing strikers though, so just make sure they score more goals than you let in – That was the Keegan masterplan. At this stage Graham was asked where he stood on the argument.

“Well, let me see, it would have to be a 7-2-6 formation…no, that wasn’t it…3-4-6 approach…no, no, oh! I always had this problem when in charge of England, nobody ever bothered with tactics before then…Let me see, it was 4 men on the left side and 1 on the right…Geoff Thomas forming a diamond formation with no one, Carlton Palmer in the middle of something but I can’t think what…and I don’t think neither could he, and Gazza for the cuddles. I loved that about Gazza, loved to cuddle. ~You need a cuddler in your side, nobody did it better than him…I miss that lad. It’s so terribly lonely out here in the jungle isn’t it?”

639: The Agitator #6

by : Antony Melvin

MONDAY
The agitator has been retained by several ambitious European clubs to raise their, ah, profile by selling their best players for what could only be described as a small fortune by certain middle-eastern dictators. While Manchester United have money, only Chelsea have MONEY. So this week shows a concerted effort to alert Chelsea to players that they may have missed in their first eight months embracing Viv Nicholson’s mantra.

As a result it is no surprise that Chelsea (along with Manchester United) are bidding for Wayne Rooney in the summer (Star), and that the lads future can be decided by Everton’s relegation struggles (Sun). Unfortunately for Robbie Savage even the agitator cannot help in a move to The Bridge and so a new deal in Birmingham is in the offing (Sun). Reports of tedious takeover bids at OT.

TUESDAY
Wayne Rooney’s advisers claim increasing interest from Chelsea (Times), and short of the lad parading up and down the Kings Road with an A frame, with ‘come and get me’ on one side, and ‘please’ on the other, I’m not sure what more they can do.

Manchester City want Sam Allardyce (Mirror), but will he tear up his 10 year deal with mid-table Bolton to sign the traditional 10 minute deal at relegation threatened City? Arsenal may get to keep the FA Cup (Sun) – presumably to save the FA the cost of running a competition with a dead cert running. Reports of tedious takeover bids at OT.

WEDNESDAY
Everton boss David Moyes insists Wayne Rooney is not for sale as speculation mounts that Manchester United and Chelsea are interested (Star). The Star has the cheek to reprint the same article with one extra quote as they did on Monday, I know that re-use is very ecological – but there are limits. Ronaldo wants to move to Chelsea (Star), so his pay negotiations have clearly reached an impasse and need a laxative. Pavel Nedved has announced that he is retiring in two years (Guardian), a novel way to entice a quick bid from Chelsea.

Management specious: Manuel Pellegrini may join Man United as No. 2 (Express), Giovanni Trapattoni has denied he will move to Spurs as No. 1 (Sun).

THURSDAY
The FA are looking to get some money from Chelsea when he joins the club after Euro 2004, apparently up to £25m (Express) – unless that includes SGE’s pay as well. Penny pinchers. And Chelsea’s second rumour du jour concerns a £20m+ bid for Betis winger Joaquin (Times). Somehow they have moved ahead of another team (Manchester United) who have also not bid for the player. Chelsea are set to sign 17-year-old Uruguayan striker Jorge Garcia from Danubio (Independent) in a rumour that is so dull that it might actually be accurate!

Rupert Lowe is still targeting Hoddle (Guardian) and not in a ‘chucking him in the air and shooting him’ way – no that’s the players.

FRIDAY
Roman Abramovich is angry that for a mere £20m Chelsea could have bought Jose Reyes, instead of Damian Duff (Sun). But at least Chelsea are winning the race to sign 14-year-old Freddie Adu (Express). Mind-bogglingly stupid story! How do we get away with it.

Charlton may lose Curbishley to England, when SGE goes to Chelsea in the summer (Star) but Di Canio is staying (Mirror) – presumably as manager. Porto coach Jose Mourinho turned down Spurs in October (Sun, Telegraph) – but won’t say no in the summer, whilst Rebrov is threatening to return (Telegraph).

NEXT WEEK
Expect a lull in transfer speculation as the agitator takes a well earned break.

Antony Melvin
20/02/2004

637: Chelsea’s top 3 transfer targe

by : James Loose

In the space of seven days, Boston United Football Club has undergone a massive overhaul. This eventful period will prove to be one of the most significant in the club’s history. For the better or for the worse? Only time will tell and, anyhow, Pilgrims supporters are in a better position to answer that. Do you want Evans back in the hotseat? Is Jon Sotnick the right man to take things forward? Just what do the fans of this football club think of the takeover?

For one, there must be some sympathy for the now-jobless Neil Thompson who took charge of the Pilgrims in July 2002 after Steve Evans was banned and fined by the Football Association following his involvement in contract irregularities during their promotion season to the Football League. Despite the club being hit with a four-point deduction at the start of last season, Thompson steered them to a respectable 15th place finish.

Between then and now, Thompson was responsible for the strengthening of the First Team squad with an endless number of new faces being drafted in. As with every club, some new signings have flopped whilst others have become a key part of the squad.

Whilst he was at the helm the club firmly established its Centre of Excellence, from which 15-year-old Lloyd Freeman leapt onto the First Team substitutes’ bench and from which many more promising talents may emerge in the future. Thompson used his contacts at former club Ipswich Town, where he was a player, to further promote the use of young players as Chris Hogg and Lee Beevers came in.

Another Ipswich recruit, striker Richard Logan finished last season as Boston’s top scorer with 10 goals, which was a factor in the Pilgrim’s escape from the dreaded drop back into the Conference (once you go down it’s hell to come back up). Logan later secured a move to Second Division Peterborough United, unfortunately on a free transfer. However, Thompson did redeem the club some cash with the £15,000 sale of Simon Weatherstone to Yeovil Town.

This season has been a mediocre one for Boston as they currently linger just four points above the drop zone in 19th spot. With the off-field matters yet to be resolved are they set for a rough ride in the run-in until the end of the season? Next season can’t come quick enough for the Pilgrims, when they can seriously consolidate their position in the Third Division, having put all the off-field malarkey behind them, with Evans back in charge and a new-found sense of optimism. Or is it that simple?

Ideally, we’d like to hear from Boston United supporters. You deserve your say as this is your club we’re talking about. Tell us what you think. E-mail [email protected] with your comments and if there is a story, a follow-up article expressing your views will be published.

Jonny Hall
17/02/2004
Stamford Bridge may be home to a large squad, featuring some of the world’s most talented players, but it seems that even after this summers spending spree the team is far from finished. The first name brought to the table this week was that of Brazilian number nine Ronaldo.

With Mutu, Forssell, Hasselbaink and Crespo all vying for a place in the starting line up it comes as a surprise that Ranieri considers there to be room for yet another striker at the club. Despite the embarrassment of riches up front the countries wealthiest team have already had a number of offers turned down by Real Madrid, but this has not eliminated all talk amongst fans of a possible move. The Brazilian superstar has been playing down the rumors that he could leave the Bernabeu, saying that he is very happy with his situation, and has no desire to leave despite reports of a wage offer from Chelsea of around £230,000 a week. While all current bids look set to fail there is the chance that his future could lie in England, after acknowledging that there has been some interest from Premiership clubs, Ronaldo announced that he would be foolish to dismiss any interest.

With this avenue of expenditure closed for this season yet another attacking player has been linked with the blues, this time the shocked Samuel E’to. After the African cup of nations E’to enjoyed interest from some of Europe’s top clubs, including Barcelona and Liverpool, but didn’t realize that any representatives from Chelsea were watching him play. In the past the Cameroon international has said that he would have no problem leaving La Liga club Mallorca, but removed the possibility of a quick transfer by pledging himself to his current employers until the end of the season.

The final player reported to be on his way to the capital is the highly rated Brazilian defender Alex. If the talk is to be believed, he could come in as a replacement for Marcel Desailly who could be ending his playing career at least with Chelsea at the end of the season. Alex for the moment plays for Santos, who confirmed that they were in talks with an as yet undisclosed team regarding his future. Despite this conformation of a move in the future, and the London side’s obvious interest, a statement by the Brazilian club has ruled any English club out of the race for the 26-year-olds signature.

With the current highly successful defensive partnership of Terry and Gallas it is hard to find an opening in the team. With his international career to consider as the qualifying games for the 2006 World cup coming up, it is unlikely that any amount of money could tempt him to take his place in what is turning into England’s most expensive squad rotation system.

For those of you tired of hearing about the almost endless string of new players supposedly on their way to London, Mr. Abramovich has made a move to bring Gianfranco Zola back in an as yet undecided role. Zola left to play in Italy at the start of the season after he was told that he could not be guaranteed a regular first team place. In a bid to capture his signature a contract worth over £3 million was offered to the forward, who turned it down in order to play for his hometown club. It seems highly unlikely that the former Italian international will continue playing following his time in Cagliari, and so the way would be clear for him to assume a high paid position in the Abramovich empire.

So where does all of this leave Chelsea? After their elimination from the FA cup at the hands of Arsenal at the weekend the focus must be on taking second place in the League away from Manchester United, and then making an assault on the top spot. In the Champions league the games against Stuttgart of Germany should see passage to the next round, and who knows where from there? Even if none of the aforementioned transfer rumors bare fruit it is hard to see anyone left in Europe’s showcase competition that will find it easy to put out the Nouveau riche.

James Loose
18/02/2004

632: O'Leary's bid to shackle keepe

by : Stephen Orford

There has been much debate about the rules of Association Football on these and other pages in the media over the last few weeks. Despite the fact that the game has managed to exist perfectly well for over 100 years, there are still those who wish to tinker with, alter, re-arrange and often ignore these rules.

From the files of 'pointless meddling with the rules' this week come the thoughts of Aston Villa manager and controversial football author David O' Leary. The former Leeds United manager might well often delight in reminding us that he is just 'a young manager' and that he is 'still learning the ropes' but it hasn't stopped him from offering up his thoughts on how the game should be changed.

To be fair to O'Leary he was asked the question by a journalist. That particular hack wanted to know what, if anything, the former Irish international would change about the rules of the game of football. My fellow squarefootball writers will be all too aware of what a devious and dirt-delving bunch we are, and so may have some sympathy with him. However, does merely being asked a question give O'Leary carte blanche to suggest that goalkeepers should not be allowed out of their penalty areas? Staggeringly, that was his one wish.

So, under O'Leary's spellbinding new plan the days of mad-cap goalkeepers hurtling out of their areas to meet on-rushing forwards would be a thing of the past. Many modern goalkeepers fancy themselves as something of a 'libero', but the Villa Park boss wishes to deprive them of this opportunity. His curious logic in explaining his reasons for this is beyond my wit I am afraid. He argues that because goalkeepers can handle the ball in the penalty area, they therefore should not be allowed to kick the ball outside of it. In essence he is suggesting that because goalkeepers can do something that others cannot, then they should be deprived of something also.

I have seen children complain bitterly because a sibling has been given something that they have not, leading to all manner of domestic rows in the household. Eventually, the parents tend to give in and the spoilt child gets what he or she wants. David O'Leary seems somehow to be telling his mum that if the 'keeper can come out of his penalty area then his forwards should be allowed to handle the ball. The fact that many Aston Villa forwards have long believed that they are not allowed to venture INSIDE the penalty area might have something to do with this revolutionary idea. Perhaps he is merely trying to draw their attention to what they can and cannot do on a football field. Either way, the idea does not seem to have much of a future.

Fans of Carslisle United would agree. Had O'Leary's suggestion been in force five years ago then the Cumbrian side, who may not be around for much longer anyway as it happens, would have slipped out of the Nationwide League. Jimmy Glass' last-gasp and genuinely comical goal is a football memory that most right-thinking fans cherish. Moments like this back up the theory that absolutely anything can happen in football, aside maybe from Arsene Wenger seeing a foul by an Arsenal player or Claudio Ranieri fielding an unchanged side.

Luminaries such as Peter Schmeichel, Paul Robinson and the colourful Jose Chilavert have all enjoyed forays into the opponents penalty area for one reason or another. Restricting them to their own penalty areas would not only take away one of football's quirkier and more interesting spectacles, it would also probably have a psychological effect on the troubled custodians. These are frustrated footballers after all, just like most people reading my pearls of wisdom right now. How frustrated would you be if somebody told you that you could run out at Old Trafford alongside the likes of Keane, Giggs and er......Phil Neville, only to then tell you that this offer was on condition that you resited the temptation to rifle one in at the Stretford End?

For the record, if I could change one thing about football, it would be that football managers, pundits, fans, referees and pie salesmen would stop trying to meddle with the rules.

Stephen Orford.
17/02/2004

638: ENGLAND: England versus Portug

by : Stephen Orford

With just 114 days to go to the big Euro 2004 kick-off at the time of writing, England's friendly with hosts Portugal last night (February 18) was an opportunity for Sven Goran Eriksson to begin shaping and moulding his team for their bid to bring home the loot.

Unfortunately, and as ever with modern international friendlies, events conspired against the Swede in this respect with major withdrawals from the squad through injury. He, and indeed we the English public are no nearer to being able to assess our team's chances in the summer tournament than we were after our last friendly debacle, the 3-2 loss to Denmark in November.

Stripped of an entire first-choice back four, England did at least show in last night's 1-1 draw that they possessed great strength in depth at the back. With Gary Neville, Rio Ferdinand, and Sol Campbell all out for reasons ranging from 'I forgot' to 'the dog ate my homework, sir', the usual back-line was completely obliterated when Ashley Cole succumbed to a back strain very early in the game. No matter, for the much derided Phil Neville, along with fellow experienced campaigner Gareth Southgate helped new-boy Ledley King settle into a centre half berth on an impressive debut. Aided by the always dependable Wayne Bridge the back four looked solid enough. There were moments when the Portuguese passing movements threatened to bewilder our men at the back, but for the most part they dealt with anything that the hosts for Euro 2004 could throw at them. However, the Portugal team did look to be slightly devoid of the cutting edge that many of Europe's other heavyweights possess, and it may still be that England will need Campbell, Gary Neville and the ever-improving John Terry when the serious business gets under way.

Midfield has long been an area for discontent among England fans, particularly the seemingly endless left-sided problem. There seems to have been a problem on the left side of England's midfield since the relatively halcyon days of Barnes and Waddle, and it continued to be in evidence last night. With no natural left sided midfielder in the squad, Sven chose to adopt a diamond formation in midfield, with Frank Lampard filling a slightly narrower left-sided role than would be expected of an out-and-out winger. As in last Sunday's FA Cup tie with Arsenal, Lampard seemed to be somewhat missing in action but he was not alone in what has to be seen as a disappointing night for England's admittedly Steven Gerrard-less midfield.

'David Beckham was anonymous' is a sentence I do not expect to be writing again any time soon. Despite a move to his favoured central position the England captain failed to stamp his authority on the game. Indeed, with Nicky Butt employed in his usual role of breaking up attacks and passing the ball simply to a white shirt, a role which he played very well again it must be said, only Paul Scholes showed touches of genuine creativity. Even then they were few and far between, which in turn made life difficult for the front two of Owen and Rooney. Owen was wasteful with one reasonable chance, and Rooney was caught only just offside in one other rare moment of penetration, but in truth it was at set-pieces only were either team looked a genuine goal threat.

And so it came to pass, with both sides scoring from free-kicks but in somewhat differing styles. Debutant Ledley King can rightly claim England's scruffy opener from a Beckham free-kick on the right, while Pauletta's free-kick equaliser was Beckham-esque in its precision and execution. David James did not stand a chance with that one, but there were again one or two moments in which the big Manchester City goalkeeper showed his fallibility. In trying to gather one routine cross in particular, he seemed to stumble backwards at a very inopportune moment, and could only touch the ball back towards his own goal. Fortunately, Gareth Southgate proved to be Johnny on the Spot to clear the danger. With Seaman now gone and with only very young goalkeepers backing him up, James is now the undisputed number one for England, but he must cut out the errors that have plagued his career if England are going to enjoy summer success.

As ever there were wholesale, pointless changes in the second half as only Ledley King and David James managed to complete the 90 minutes. Alan Smith showed some good touches when he arrived on the scene, but other than that and the performance of King, Sven will have learned little about his troops from this particular exercise.

Stephen Orford
19/02/2004

636: NATIONWIDE: Evans back at Bost

by : Jonny Hall

Hands up anyone who thinks ex-Boston United boss Steve Evans is set for a return to the Third Division club after recent events at York Street? I’ve never seen so many arms aloft.

It looks plainly obvious to me. The man who will complete a 20-month ban from football management on Wednesday 3 March (doesn’t time fly in football?) is highly likely to be back in the manager’s chair in the near future.

Whether that be on Thursday 4 March, which wouldn’t surprise me, or by the end of the season in May or by the start of next season in August, one thing looks certain. Steve Evans will be back in football and Boston United looks like his number one destination.

When weighing up the facts of this, another turbulent week in Boston United’s history, everything seems a little too ironic to think anything different.

Tuesday 10 February: It is revealed that Steve Evans is currently the head of a merchandising division of Staffordshire-based Hemmingway Employment in the United States. And on this day, Hemmingway’s boss, Midlands-based businessman Jon Sotnick, strolls in at York Street and announces his position as new owner and chairman of Boston United. ‘Proxy’ owner-chairman, Des Wood, a property developer, steps down with immediate effect as do the club’s existing Board of Directors. The connection between Sotnick and Evans is, well, quite obvious, is it not?

Thursday 12 February: Just two days after taking over the reins, Sotnick meets with Pilgrims manager, Neil Thompson and Chief Executive, Dave Pickett. The outcome of the meeting is that Thompson and Pickett leave their positions ‘by mutual consent’. These days is ‘mutual consent’ just a better word for ‘sacked’? Were they pushed? I don’t think either had any option but to go as they could see that the new man at the helm had other ideas. On the same day, ex-Pilgrims and Rushden & Diamonds defender, Jim Rodwell is appointed as Caretaker manager. Rodwell, a known friend of Evans, appears to have been told he will act only as a stop-gap until a permanent manager arrives. Rodwell told the Lincolnshire Echo: “Whenever I hand the reins over to whoever comes in permanently I hope a role can be found for me within the club.” If it’s Evans, I’m sure a role can be found for you somewhere, Jim.

Monday 16 February: The new ‘Working Board of Directors’ that Sotnick has assembled, including solicitor Philip Hanby, former Mayor of Boston, Ralph Jenkins and Chairman of the Boston United Supporters Association, Dale Allitt, meet “to commence shortlisting and to set aside dates to commence interviewing.” Sotnick refuses to rule out the possibility (inevitability) of Steve Evans taking charge at York Street again. “Steve is abroad at the moment and I am not able to say if he will be putting his hat into the ring. But he can’t be ruled out.” Why aren’t you able to say, Jon? Evans’ name will be in the hat, then.

Tuesday 17 February: A news story reports that Steve Evans has cut short a business trip in America to return home for talks with Jon Sotnick and the new Board at York Street with regards returning as manager of Boston United.

It’s all running quite as we expected isn’t it? I, for one, won’t be at all surprised to read on Thursday 4 March: Steve Evans back at Boston.

634: Rio ban a blessing in disguise

by : Chris Nee

The ruling out of key centre half Rio Ferdinand from England’s European Championship campaign in Portugal this summer has generally been viewed as a disaster. Ferdinand’s mammoth performances in Japan two years ago finally confirmed his arrival on the international scene. Unfortunately Rio cannot be described as the sharpest tooth on the saw, and as we all know his failure to show up for a routine drugs test last year resulted in an eight month ban and robbed England of a world class defender as we enter a tournament which is arguably our best chance of glory since the heady days of 1966. And a world class defender needs a world class replacement.

Step forward Mr Gareth Southgate. Having been tipped for a move to Manchester United during the recent transfer window, Southgate is in phenomenal form. Ultimately he did not replace Ferdinand at Old Trafford, but there is an argument for Gareth slotting into the national side at Euro 2004.

I have little doubt that Southgate will travel to Portugal this summer, he is an experienced international player after all. But I believe that his revival in form in the past season or two warrants a solid starting place alongside Sol Campbell or John Terry. Most pundits will tell you that Campbell and Terry are a cast-iron bet for the two centre-back spots in the England team, followed by Birmingham City’s Matthew Upson, with Southgate perhaps lying fourth in the pecking order until his recent form attracted huge publicity and more than likely elevated him above the St Andrews man.

You are probably expecting the usual argument that in a position as fundamental as centre half, at least one of the two must have experience. This however is where the typical pro-Southgate campaign falls at the first hurdle. Clearly it is not all about experience – given the choice of two young, naturally gifted and very safe centre backs, or one of those two and an experienced but slightly less talented and, importantly, less pacy partner, the best option seems obvious. Besides, wouldn’t the Sol Man be described as experienced these days?

My argument is different. In my opinion, Matthew Upson would not make it through the first match. I think that Upson is not as good a defender as Southgate, that is a simple matter of opinion. The controversial opinion is this: Southgate is equally as good as both Campbell and John Terry.

Gareth Southgate’s form has not gone unnoticed in recent weeks. It was no secret that the Middlesbrough man was on top form before the visit to Old Trafford on February 11th. That night, Southgate dotted the I’s and crossed the T’s of his appeal to be a key part of Sven Goran Eriksson’s squad in the summer. With a helping hand from goalscorers Juninho (2) and Joseph-Desire Job, the former Aston Villa skipper led the boys from Teeside to a famous 3-2 win over Manchester United. Southgate was simply superb, combining general consistency with two moments of defensive magic, coming to Boro’s rescue when it really mattered. In the first half he made a memorable challenge at the last possible moment with Ryan Giggs through on Mark Schwarzer’s goal, and in the second he was able to miraculously throw himself of John O’Shea’s finish with the big Aussie ‘keeper grounded.

That night at Old Trafford Gareth Southgate played a big part in forcing Man Utd five points behind leaders Arsenal, and were it not for their collapse last season, one would say that the Middlesbrough defender had handed the Gunners the title. I think that with Gareth Southgate, on his current form, in the England team in Portugal, it may be our boys that taste the real glory in the summer.

Chris Nee
17/02/2004

630: International (career) rescue

by : Stephen Orford

It all started with Fredi Kanoute's decision to defect from the lower echelons of the French national team to the forefront of Mali's bid for African Nations Cup glory.

Quite apart from the fact that it got David Pleat slightly hot under the collar, Kanoute's international switch raised several probably unanswerable questions about the future of international football. Since then, other reasonably high profile players such as Celtic's Didier Agathe, Steed Malbranque of Fulham, and latterly Blackburn Rovers defender Lorenzo Amoruso have all been the subject of a certain amount of mystery surrounding their international futures.

In its infinite wisdom, FIFA recently decided to relax the rules on international player qualification, opening the door for Kanoute's African Nations Cup exploits. The Tottenham striker had represented France at under-21 level but had yet to make his mark on the senior side when the call came from Mali. In previous years Kanoute's appearance for France at a youth level would have disqualified him from selection for Mali, and made David Pleat's life a lot easier in the process. Now, it seems that FIFA intend to go even further in their quest to bolster the squads of international minnows.

As I understand it, both Agathe and Amoruso are set to qualify for Scotland having resided in that country for a period of five years, and thus qualifying for a UK passport. In theory, holding a UK passport would then qualify them for all of the UK nations, but it is the land in which they have spent so much time that is turning their heads. It is not pushing the boat out too much to suggest that neither Agathe nor Amoruso would get within the proverbial country mile of their native squads, so is this new trend of nation-hopping not a cynical attempt to resurrect the international careers of footballers who would otherwise remain devoid of caps?

This has been happening for years, of course. Jack Charlton single-handedly revived the fortunes of the Republic of Ireland team by scouring the planet for football players with Irish parents or grandparents. His search allowed him to bring together a team capable of qualifying for major tournaments, reaching the World Cup quarter finals in 1990. However, at least those players had some Irish blood running through their veins. Under the new FIFA guidelines players will now not find it necessary to have any link whatsoever with their chosen national side, other than living in that country for a period of time. In doing this, are we not one step away from former Sports Minister Tony Banks' absurd suggestion that players should be allowed to represent the national teams of the countries in which they play their club football? We all remember him advocating a call-up to the England squad for the likes of Bergkamp and Zola, and we all laughed heartily at the very suggestion.

Fortunately, the England football team never reached a low enough point to have to resort to such tactics, but this is not true of all footballing nations. Northern Ireland remain on their Baggins-like quest to score an international goal, and could be one of the candidates to take full advantage of the new legislation. Am I alone in feeling that this further devalues the achievement of being selected to play for your national team? So, the third division journeyman who occupies a spot in the Northern Ireland squad may not be Zinedine Zidane, but he is in the squad because he is among the best players to hail from his part of the world. Do we really have the heart to deprive him of the pride he takes in representing his country so that a supposedly better player who has failed to be capped elsewhere can take his place? I would hope not.

This could go further. As in club football, some national football associations are somewhat wealthier than others. Currently, there is a lot of money being pumped into domestic football by the oil rich great and good of Qatar. Qatar is a nation that has never qualified for any international football tournament worthy of mention, yet its league football is decorated by such star names as Batistuta, Hierro and Effenberg. Ok, so they have Frank Leboeuf aswell, but it is easy to see a future in which young, uncapped talent is lured to Qatari club football and, with the added incentive of outrageous amounts of cash, could be persuaded to represent the national side.

There is enough financial bullying in club football without it transferring to the international stage. It may seem far fetched at present, but when the star player at your club's youth team turns out for Qatar or some other money-mad nation on a desperate quest for a slice of the world football cake, don't say I didn't warn you. I am risking my neck mentioning this other hobby of mine, but rugby league suffers to gain credibility from the public because of the state of its international set-up. Players flit between the Home Nations in a manner that can only be described as 'willy-nilly', leaving everyone confused and ultimately dissatisfied with the international product. Football is currently enjoying a period in which it is untouchable as the nation's number one sport, despite that other lot winning their little gold pot in Australia.

Let's not let Sepp and his cronies throw a spanner in the works that might prove mightily difficult to remove.

Stephen Orford
17/02/2004

631: NATIONWIDE: Carry on up the Hu

by : David Hulott

In this their centenary year, it says something that Hull City’s main claim to fame is probably the fact that they are the largest city in Europe never to have had top-flight football. Well, that and donning a particularly garish orange and black tiger-print strip in 1992 that even Elton John would have thought twice about flouncing around in.

There has been little need for a trophy room at the club over the past 100 years, with just a couple of Division Three (North) titles in 1932-33 and 1948-49 and a Division Three championship in 1965-66 to warrant the occasional polish.

The success starved Tigers have been stuck on the bottom rung of the Football League since the 1996-97 season. But now, with Peter Taylor at the helm, it’s beginning to look as if Hull City could soon be advertising for someone who knows how to handle a duster for giving another pot a quick once over.

Much of the credit for the club’s upturn in fortunes must go down to chairman Adam Pearson, who got out of Leeds United (where he was Commercial Director) just before Peter Ridsdale embarked on the spending spree that led to the current meltdown at Elland Road.

Pearson came in as the club’s saviour in March 2001, finally ridding them of the hugely unpopular David Lloyd (the former Davis Cup tennis player) who, as former chairman and owner of the former stadium, Boothferry Park, had called in the bailiffs and placed the club into administration.

Since being rescued from the brink, the last three high-profile managers at the club (Brian Little, Jan Molby and now Peter Taylor) have been given substantial funds with which to gain promotion, but have found the delights of Division Three football difficult to leave behind. As the Chelski of Division Three in terms of spending power, the club have under-achieved badly, finishing mid-table in each of the last two campaigns.

There is undoubtedly a huge burden of expectation given the fan-base and the new Kingston Communications Stadium (average attendance to date this season of 16,095 - more than 6,000 in excess of their nearest rivals in Division Three and higher than all but Sheffield Wednesday in Division Two). They are also said to have the highest wage bill in the lower leagues, which points to just how much expectation there is at the club.

It’s not surprising, given those factors, that the squad at Taylor’s disposal looks far stronger than any other club in the division. There are a number of players at the club who have the potential to play at a far higher level (and many of whom already have) - Danny Allsopp; Ben Burgess; Stuart Elliott; Jason Price; Jonathan Walters and Andrew Dawson spring to mind. It’s difficult to think of any other club among the basement dwellers that could tempt Lee Marshall (a Premiership player less than a year ago) on loan from West Bromwich Albion, even allowing for the time he spent with Taylor at Leicester City?

Everything looks set-up for promotion this season, with a further rapid rise to Division One well within their capabilities. It might be tempting fate, but Europe’s most deprived city, in terms of top-flight football, may lose its unwanted tag in the not too distant future.

David Hulott
17/02/2004

624: England friendlies - stop mess

by : Red Kitching

With the advent of another friendly just round the corner, England’s favourite Swede and his bizarrely monickered friend are cooking up the vital ingredients to produce a squad that will move them towards Euro 2004 glory. At this stage of the season it will not be surprising to see a few familiar faces missing from the squad, but Sven should not be too concerned with that. What should concern him, however, is unearthing a few gems to add into the mix that will push the quality up.

Ever since Sven Goran Eriksson took over as England head coach he has always treated friendlies as a game of two halves, with the first half seeing the first team get a run out and the second half ending with the captain’s arm-band moving between the likes of Emile Heskey, Jamie Carragher and Phil Neville. Usually around 20 of 22 players are used and this gives the head coach a great chance to see many players in international football.

This is all well and good. However, I believe that he is missing a golden opportunity here for players that are close to the first team squad. We all know that the first team is pretty much static, with around nine of the eleven positions in the team predetermined before a ball is kicked. The two troublesome positions seemingly being ‘Heskey or Rooney’ and ‘Who the hell do I play at left midfield’. Yet there are wholesale changes to all positions after halftime when the ‘B’ team are left to finish the game.

I would like to see a change of direction from Sven here. I think it would be good to only rotate 3 positions in a game. Perhaps see how the team would perform without Beckham in the second half, or see how the regular defence would cope with a different keeper behind them. I think it is time for the coach to start using friendlies to explore match situations for his greater good, rather than seeing how a selected second half eleven get on when the likely-hood of that team starting an international is zero.

Why not see how Lampard does with Scholes, Beckham and Gerrard one half and then see how Parker does as his replacement in the second half? Surely we will get more from that than seeing how Parker, Lampard, Phil Neville and Butt perform as a unit?

So come on Sven, use the friendly system with more purpose!

Red Kitching
16/02/2004

629: Is mid-table mediocrity the on

by : David Hulott

It’s becoming something of a tradition that once Charlton Athletic reach what is deemed to be Premiership safety each season, their results start to go down faster than Audley Harrison opponents.

Just look at the recent history. Last season, they slumped from 6th in the table to finish 12th, on the back of just one win in their last 10-league games. At the tail end of the 2001-02 season, they failed to win any of their last eight Premiership fixtures. The previous season, only three of the last 11-games ended in victory and even in the season in which promotion was secured as champions of Division One, 1999-2000, Alan Curbishley’s team were winless in their last seven games.

This season’s current mini-slump has been put down to the acrimonious sale of the talismanic Scott Parker, but while he was unquestionably a key factor in their success, the Addicks accomplishments on the pitch in recent seasons has been down to team work, rather than any one individual.

Is there a mental block among the players when it comes to challenging the Premiership elite? Are they simply living in the comfort zone, content with their ability to confound the sceptics who habitually number them among the favourites for relegation each season?

It’s frequently argued by ill-informed pundits that Charlton lack the strength in depth to maintain their form over 38-games. Sure, the forward line could do with a 20-goal per season striker and the midfield does look a little short since Parker jumped ship, but Charlton still have ample depth to their squad for a concerted UEFA Cup bid at the very least. In defence, Curbishley has a multitude of options, with the likes of Luke Young; Richard Rufus (on the rare occasions that he’s fit); Gary Rowett (see Rufus); Chris Perry; Mark Fish; Hermann Hreidarsson; Paul Konchesky; Jon Fortune; Chris Powell and Radostin Kishishev to call upon, with many of them having the versatility to play in a number of defensive roles or move into midfield if required.

Perhaps there is a more conspiratorial reason at hand? Curbishley is frequently linked with moves elsewhere, with his lack of managerial experience on the European stage often deemed as one of the major reasons why he is still at the Valley. Could it be that the club are reluctant to appear on the big stage, in the knowledge that it could make it almost impossible to fend off interest in their already much coveted boss? They may also recall the problems encountered by Ipswich Town, a similar club in many respects, who slumped to relegation when attempting to juggle domestic duties with the UEFA Cup in 2001-02. Their almost laughable lack of success on the domestic cup front in recent years adds further strength to the argument that the club have opted to forego anything other than Premiership survival.

With Curbishley having extended his contract with the club until June 2007, it will be interesting to see how much of the £10 million from the sale of Parker is made available to him to invest in new players. It is difficult to argue with the way the club is run financially, especially given the problems elsewhere and the club’s own money woes in the not too distant past, but with next season being the club’s centenary, it might be time for the board to finally loosen the purse strings a little and push on to the next level. There’s no need to go crazy and break the wage structure or anything, but a couple of quality additions to the squad could see European football coming to SE7. They will surely never have a better opportunity to make their mark.

David Hulott
17/02/2004

628: The league of left footed gent

by : Red Kitching

What do the following have in common?

Steve McManaman, Steven Gerrard, Emile Heskey, Joe Cole, Frank Lampard Jr, Nicky Butt, Trevor Sinclair, Paul Scholes.

They are all players, right footed players at that too, who have been asked to fill the vacant role on the left hand side of England’s four man midfield. None of them have managed to make the position their own and none have performed well enough to merit an extended run in the team with that position in mind. Steven Gerrard has probably been the most successful but he is needed elsewhere in the side. Sven Goran Eriksson has even changed his team to a narrow midfield diamond to accommodate the fact that there is a big, gaping hole where a left-footed player should be.

But there isn’t a gaping hole really. There is one combination that hasn’t been tried yet and to many it is the most glaringly obvious. It has even been tried once before but in the wrong order. Who is it I hear you cry?

Simple. Play Wayne Bridge at left back with Ashley Cole in front of him. This seems to make perfect sense to most observers who see that Ashley Cole is not the greatest defender in the world and is much better going forward than being forced onto the back foot. At Arsenal Cole is often outstanding when in the opposition half and is often seen raiding down the left wing, usually with devastating effect. This would give England the chance to add balance to the side and also utilise Cole’s left back instincts when in defensive situations. Often he has been found wanting when defending and it is often because the player in front is right footed and has tucked into midfield as you would naturally expect of someone who is in an alien position on the field. Simply take away this problem from Ashley by asking him to fill the void.

Wayne Bridge is also better at the back than he is going forward. He can often overlap with great effect when going forward and it certainly would help him to have the likes of Ashley Cole to fill in behind him should he venture forward. He would then have the stability of a natural left-footed player in front of him meaning the likelihood of having to defend 2-on-1 situations, as he has had to do in his short time in an England shirt, would be diminished significantly.

It is somewhat surprising that Sven has failed to try this out. He has tried Bridge in front of Cole before but that did not work as it should be the other way round. Hopefully they will get a chance with the strongest team out to give this a try before the plane leaves for Portugal this summer.

Red Kitching
16/02/2004

625: England versus Portugal; Svens

by : Stephen Orford

After the euphoria of qualifying for Euro 2004 has died down, England now begin their preparations for the big shebang in earnest with a friendly in the tournament's host nation, Portugal.

Recently, England friendlies have endured much criticism, with many feeling that the continued frenzy of substitutions and consistent withdrawal of top players render the games pointless. Though Euro 2004 is approaching fast, and though Portugal are expected to be one of the major forces at the tournament, this fixture again looks set to suffer similarly.

It has already been confirmed at the time of writing (February 16) that the latest England squad will be without many regulars. Rio Ferdinand's exile from the game continues, while Steven Gerrard, Sol Campbell and Jonathan Woodgate will all miss the trip for various reasons. The withdrawals of Campbell and Woodgate left England especially threadbare at the centre half position, with only Chelsea's John Terry and Middlesbrough's Gareth Southgate recognised as specialists in that position. This has led to a call-up for young Tottenham defender cum midfielder Ledley King. King has played many games for Tottenham this season in a midfield role. With Spurs' problems in that area and in their defence the jury must still be out on whether King can make the transition from mid-table mediocrity to international level.

Another defender to earn a surprising recall is Liverpool's Jamie Carragher. The adaptable Carragher has missed much of Liverpool's turbulent season to this point after breaking his leg in a much publicised tangle with Blackburn's Lucas Neill. Though his form has been good since his return to the Anfield ranks, Carragher's inclusion in the squad seems a little premature. Perhaps his versatility is something coveted by Sven Goran Eriksson, but it may have been wiser to wait until the player's fitness was fully proven.

If Carragher's recent injury woes make him a risk, then the inclusion of his Anfield team-mate Chris Kirkland is also somewhat perplexing. A series of injuries have denied Kirkland first-team football at Liverpool and he again found himself on the bench for yesterday's 1-1 FA Cup draw with Portsmouth. Kirkland is without doubt one of the best young English goalkeepers around, but with so little football behind him this season it seems unlikely that his services will be called upon in Portugal.

That will leave current number one David James backed up by Leeds United's young star shot-stopper Paul Robinson. It is perhaps a surprise to some that former England goalkeeper Nigel Martyn has not earned a recall, despite his advancing years. His performances for Everton in recent games have been something to behold, but it seems that Eriksson is now firmly looking to the future. The Swede was accused of sticking by David Seaman for too long and is so far showing no signs of opening himself up to similar criticisms with Martyn. The England career of the former Crystal Palace and Leeds goalkeeper looks done and dusted as a result.

Further forward, the midfield is not without its fair share of players who have endured criticism this season. They are led by diminutive playground footballer Joe Cole. The former West Ham man has struggled to play a full 90 minutes of football at star-studded Chelsea this season, yet he has managed to keep his place in the England set-up. It is a cliche often trotted out among football's great and good that players must be playing regular first team football in order to be considered for international duty, but more and more now we are seeing that this is not true. With the amount of foreign talent now gracing the Premiership the England squad will continue to be littered with reserves and squad players from the top clubs. What this says about the health of the English game is another article.

Another such player is Manchester United's Nicky Butt. Unwanted and transfer-listed in January by no less a judge than Sir Alex Ferguson, Butt remains one of Eriksson's main men. Indeed, unlike Cole, Butt is likely to start the game in England's midfield especially in view of the absence of Steven Gerrard. The Liverpool captain has not travelled to Portugal because his girlfriend is expecting their first child this week. That could lead to Butt occupying a space in the England midfield alongside his old friends Beckham and Scholes, though the likes of Frank Lampard, Keiron Dyer and Owen Hargreaves will have a say in that also.

One glaring omission from the midfield corps is Scott Parker. Chelsea's new ten million pound man has started his Stamford Bridge career well, but not well enough it seems to convince Eriksson to include him in his plans. Perhaps the controversy surrounding his big-money move, and the fact that he is in the process of settling into a new club have persuaded the England manager to overlook him for now. Parker must surely be a major contender for the final squad for Euro 2004, so it is still a major surprise that he has lost out to the currently less impressive Jermaine Jenas for the Portugal friendly.

Up front Eriiksson has broken with tradition and selected five strikers. Some England squads under Eriksson's stewardship have contained as few as three strikers, yet this time he will be able to choose from Owen, Rooney, Heskey, a rejuvenated Vassell, and Leeds United's Alan Smith. There is again no place for Southampton's James Beattie, but with the former Blackburn man recently left out of his club side by Gordon Strachan there is more justification than usual for his exclusion.

626: Emile Heskey - a case for the

by : Red Kitching

Owen and Rooney looks the partnership of choice. Merseyside's most feared goal-getters have showed signs of promise as a partnership in the few games that they have had together, while Owen's partnership with Heskey at club level has been less exciting. Vassell has recently returned to form after a barren spell with Aston Villa, while Alan Smith, for this writer at least, has failed to hit the heights of the past in an admittedly abject Leeds side.

Here's how I think the starting eleven might look for the friendly in Portugal, though you can expect almost every squad member to take the field at one time or another as Eriksson persists in a manic form of tinkering that would make Claudio Ranieri blush;

David James
Danny Mills
Ashley Cole
John Terry
Gareth Southgate
David Beckham (captain)
Nicky Butt
Paul Scholes
Frank Lampard
Michael Owen
Wayne Rooney

Stephen Orford
16/02/2004Emile Heskey. Two words. One name. Yet this all seemingly strikes fear into the heart of any England fan, causing much wailing and gnashing of teeth. He is the target of much ridicule and his inclusion in England squads is met with more head scratching and shaking than many other players in recent memory (with the exception of Geoff Thomas… he has no defence though, that was just madness!).

There is one thing that many people forget about England teams (and most successful international football teams) is that they only have one striker who scores the vast majority of their goals. During the mid to late 90’s, England utilised the successful Sheringham and Shearer axis. The majority of the goals, however, were scored by Shearer, with Sheringham asked to provide link up with midfield for the partnership. Look before this to the popular Beardsley and Lineker double act. Lineker provided the goals, Beardsley the link up. Both Sheringham and Beardsley did not exactly pull up any trees in the goal-scoring department, with 11 strikes in 51 and 9 in 59 respectively.

Now let’s look at the current incumbents of the two strikers roles in the team, Owen and Heskey. Owen 53 caps, 24 goals. Heskey 38 caps, 5 goals. Owen gets the goals and Heskey provides the outlet to the rest of the team. It is not really that different to the way England have used their strikers in the past, the main difference being that with Heskey in the team they tend to go long ball more often. He is certainly not a natural goalscorer, but then again, neither were Sheringham and Beardsley.

Heskey offers England something that only one other striker – Mr Beattie - can a physical presence up front. When he is on his game, Emile can unsettle the most talented defenders on the planet with his pace and power. I feel that the reason why Heskey is derided and thought of so poorly is that he is not being utilised correctly. For both club and country.

When he was at Leicester, Heskey was encouraged to run at defenders and unsettle them as much as possible. He regularly chipped in with 10-15 goals per season in this role and he helped Steve Claridge and Tony Cottee in prolonging their careers and assisted heavily in Leicester finishing in the top 10 for 4 seasons running. He got at defenders and put his considerable bulk about to great effect.

In his first full season at Liverpool, after Owen suffered an injury early in the campaign, Heskey shouldered the responisbility of leading the attack and went on to score over 20 goals in all competitions that season. Yet again he was allowed to terrorise defences by turning and running at them and also by spearheading the attack.

Now though, it seems that he is utilised more as a battering ram. Someone to ‘hoof’ the ball up to and have him hold it till other players arrive and he can pass the responsibility on. The fans get frustrated with this ‘narrow-minded’ approach and the catcalls start from the terraces. This must affect the confidence of a player that needs assurance and his performances go downhill and the downward spiral continues.

It would be adviseable for both Gerard Houllier and Sven Goran Eriksson to seek counsel with Martin O’Neill on how best to use this untapped resource and help England onto bigger and better things. Get Heskey running with the ball at pace and I think the rewards will be there for England to reap in Portugal this summer.

Now, if you will excuse me I think I can hear the men in white coats pulling up outside…

Red Kitching
16/02/2004

627: FA Cup quarter finals analysis

by : Stephen Orford

After the weekend's fifth round action only eleven clubs still harbour hopes of an appearance at Cardiff for the FA Cup Final in May. On Monday lunchtime those eleven teams learned something, if not everything about their quarter final fate as the draw for the last eight of the grand old competition was made.

Had Liverpool hung on to beat Portsmouth at Anfield yesterday then they would also have secured the tie of the round. Sooner or later Gerard Houllier's explanation of 'bad luck' will be construed by some perceptive soul as 'poor finishing', and it certainly could prove costly. A tricky replay at Fratton Park for the Merseyside outfit is now in the offing. This is all the more galling since a tie that many papers will no doubt boringly refer to as 'mouth-watering' awaits against Arsenal for the winner. Arsenal don't seem to have lost in the FA Cup since the days of Sir Stanley Matthews 'wing wizardry', but with Liverpool's desperation to win a trophy increasing almost by the hour, something would have to give. However, expect Portsmouth to spoil the party, not to mention the viewing figures of either the BBC or Sky by dumping Liverpool unceremoniously out of the FA Cup next week.

The tournament's other big favourites, the Manchester United Buccaneers, also have the prospect of Premiership opposition in the quarter finals. Indeed, with seven Premiership teams still involved in the competition at the time of writing (February 16) it was always likely that the Old Trafford men would draw a tough opponent. They will meet the winners of the replay between Fulham and West Ham United, and both provide mixed memories for the club. Fulham have already been to Old Trafford and left victorious this season, recording a 3-1 win early in the season, while West Ham fans will remember a famous FA Cup win for their side over the Champions a few short years ago. On that day, United goalkeeper Fabien Barthez tried to convince the advancing Paolo Di Canio that he had been flagged offside, only for the Italian to calmly stroke the ball past him for the slightly embarrassing winning goal. With Barthez now replaced by the impressive Tim Howard in goal there is unlikely to be a repeat of such goalkeeping eccentricity should West Ham make it past Fulham. Besides, I fully expect Fulham to overcome their London rivals in next week's replay. The visit of Louis Saha's former employees to Old Trafford could be an interesting and fiery one.

There could be crockery flying in the Peschosolido household as Paul's team Sheffield United face the prospect of a match-up with wife Karen Brady's Birmingham City. Brum have to get past a rather awkward replay with Sunderland before that happens, and there seemed little to choose between the sides in Saturday's first tie. Before the draw was made Peschosolido insisted that he did not mind who the Blades drew as long as it was not the team of 'er indoors. Unfortunately for him that it exactly what could come to pass. Though it could lead to a spell in the doghouse, I am sure Peschosolido will be determined to reach the semi finals and get the chance to make up for his disappointment at that stage last year. In all probability, he still doesn't know how his header was clawed off the goal-line by the supposedly 'past it' David Seaman in that semi final clash with Arsenal. Sunderland, who last won the cup in 1973 and last appeared in the final in 1992, will be by no means easy to overcome. However, their manager Mick McCarthy has stated that his side's quest for Premiership football must take precedence over their fortunes in the FA Cup, a position which just about persuades me that Birmigham will take the spoils when the two sides replay.

Finally, and perhaps most interestingly, there is the guarantee of a club from outside the Premiership making the semi finals. Millwall assistant manager Ray Wilkins publicly stated that he wanted to draw Tranmere Rovers because he felt that this would give his side the best possible chance of making the semi finals. He got his wish but equally, Tranmere will see a match with Millwall as one of the more winnable that they could have been given. Though they will have to travel to the home of a team one division above them, Rovers are hopeful of pulling off what would only be a minor surprise and in so doing book themselves a place in the last four.

That FA Cup Quarter Final Draw In Full;

Millwall v Tranmere Rovers

Manchester United v Fulham or West Ham United

Sunderland or Birmingham City v Sheffield United

Liverpool or Portsmouth v Arsenal

Ties to be played on the weekend of March 6 and 7.

Stephen Orford
16/02/2004

621: Unsung heroes: Jamie Carragher

by : Chris Owens

Michael Owen, Gerrard, Kewell, Finnan, Baros, Hamman, Kirkland - all cited by Gerard Houllier and many Liverpool fans as the reason for their struggles this season. Not that they've played badly, but because they have spent large chunks of time on the treatment table. Another of the walking wounded at Anfield very rarely got mentioned in amongst all the 'superstars', but it's no coincidence that his return has coincided with an upturn in fortunes in recent games - take a bow Jamie Carragher.

Carragher is the type of player fans easily forget, but also the type of player fans love - a local lad, brought up through the ranks, 100% committed, and will play anywhere for the good of the team. You can have world-class players in your side, but without the 'unsung heroes' no team would function successfully. Manchester United may have had their Cantonas and Van Nistelrooys, but home-grown grafters such as Butt and the Nevilles have been instrumental in their domination. At Highbury, Bergkamp, Henry etc. wouldn't have been able to play such 'fantasy football' without Adams, Dixon and Parlour doing the donkey-work.

Since marking his Premiership debut with a goal versus Aston Villa at Anfield in 1996, Bootle-born Carragher has proved himself to be 'Mr. Versatile', slotting into either full-back role, filling in at centre-half, or even anchoring the midfield. Whilst the more unkind observers would say he plays as if he gets a nosebleed once in the opposition half, there's no doubt defensively he is one of the most difficult customers to come across in the country. Strong in the air, solid in the tackle and positional sense to make up for a slight lack of pace, 'Carra' is a something of a throw-back to an era where full-backs' primary role was to defend, unlike contemporaries like Roberto Carlos, Cafu and Ashley Cole marauding down the wing with gay abandon.

Despite being a long-standing under-21 captain, and holding the record for under-21 caps for England, Carragher has only made fleeting appearances in the national side. His 9 caps have mainly come in the ritual 'substitution-fests' also know as Sven-Goran Eriksson-managed friendlies. A possible trip to the World Cup in Korea and Japan was thwarted by injury. Whilst his versatility may hamper his international hopes, as he doesn't hold down a regular position, on the other hand he could turn this to his advantage. With defensive cover options seeming to include the likes of Mills, Johnson and even Antony Gardner, Carragher's name may yet pop up in the Euro 2004 squad.

Whilst his performances on the pitch cannot be questioned, there are a couple of notorious skeletons in Carragher's closet. With the recent case of Alan Smith throwing bottles back into the crowd, lest we forget that 'Carra' picked up a three match ban for impetuously chucking a coin back into the crowd at Highbury during a 1-0 FA cup defeat back in 2002. More shocking were the tabloid tales of his antics at the Liverpool Christmas party in 1998, where he drunkenly 'performed' on stage with a group of strippers.

However, I'm sure Koppites can forgive these rare indiscretions. The once formidable Liverpool rearguard has looked decidedly shaky this season without Carragher's combative presence. But his recovery from the broken leg sustained as a result of Lucas Neill's viscous early audition for Tarantino blockbuster 'Kill Bill' up at Ewood Park has resulted in the old firm of Henchoz, Hyypia and Carragher coming back together, starting to keep clean sheets once again.

Whilst Houllier has prematurely stated too many times that he has found the 'final piece of his Championship winning jigsaw' - remember Christian Zeige & El-Hadji Diouf - Carragher is one piece of the jigsaw he cannot afford to lose.

Chris Owens
07/02/2004

619: Running the rule over the laws

by : Tim Heming

Rugby is a ruffians’ game played by gentlemen and football a gentlemen’s game played by ruffians, or so the old adage goes. It’s not of course; it is a game played by cheats. Any one of us who has ever played a competitive game of football will have tried to bend the laws to gain an advantage at some stage, maybe not to the extent of punching in a World Cup quarterfinal goal in the Azteca Stadium, but certainly by claiming the odd throw-in here and there. Gamesmanship creeps into the ranks at a young age, many a time it is even coached: not retreating the full 10 yards in order to give your team time to reorganise, blocking off-the-ball runs of an opposing attacker etc. It’s human nature and although it’ll rarely be condoned publicly it’s a competitive streak that as long as you have two teams striving to win will never be removed from the game. Which is why the laws of the game need to be water tight in their meaning and application, so that officials can quickly spot misconduct and make sure it does not reap reward.

In the first of a new series we’re looking at some of the existing Laws Of Association Football and putting across an argument as to how these could be tidied up. Who knows maybe even the FA will be listening.

What should be perhaps the simplest of all the laws is one that stirs up much controversy: the part of Law 12 that is concerned with handball resulting in the award of a direct free kick. The law states that a handball is awarded only when a player ‘deliberately’ handles the ball when it is in play. So, for a direct free kick to be given a player has to try and catch, punch or slap the dam thing away? Not quite, but I’ve seen them given - which is where the confusion lies. “I’ve seen them given” is one of those irritating clichs used by rent-a-quote ex-pros turned pundits who want to sit on the fence when passing verdict on a game involving one of their old club sides. Although they decline to be swayed either way, often the simple answer is that they are unsure themselves. It is incredulous that there should be so much confusion over the ball making contact with a player’s arm? This needs sorting out.

If we were to take it to the letter of the law then ‘deliberate’ would mean that the player is intentionally using his hand or arm, and as such it is an act of ungentlemanly conduct for which they must be cautioned (or dismissed if they are preventing a clear goalscoring opportunity). Every single handball offence would have to be followed by a card of one colour or the other. Obviously this is silly and common sense must prevail, so it is the interpretation of the law that becomes all-important, but it is in this interpretation where we have the inconsistency.

Handball is different from every other law in the book because it is the only one in which a referee is asked to rule as to what he perceives the player to be thinking: a near impossible task, so different directives are issued to referees by FIFA, UEFA and the national FA’s depending on the competitions involved. Watching the English Premier League officials in action it can at times be difficult to judge exactly how they appear to have been instructed to rule on intent, thus we experience events like the William Gallas alleged handball in the recent Scarborough versus Chelsea F.A. Cup tie. The stock response was that the home side had legitimate claims for a penalty, yet it could never be said that Gallas deliberately handled the ball as it fell from the sky for he was looking the other way as it brushed against his arm - which was away from his body in the act of jumping. Gallas isn’t a pogo stick, and doesn’t jump like one, yet it clearly hit his arm. The referee is adamant he’s correct and the controversy rumbles on for days. In contrast, in Italy’s Serie A the referees have far less discretion. Italian officials have been instructed that if a player moves in an uncoordinated manner or unorthodox fashion and the ball strikes that player’s hand, it’s handball. The players and spectators know where they stand and although decisions will still be contested few can argue that it is a clearer instruction.

Certainly this lack of harmonisation across associations is not helpful and may be brought under closer inspection should UEFA press ahead with plans of ref swapping with the individual federations most highly ranked officials. Those who rarely see but highly rate Pierluigi Collina might have a change of view as they become contemptibly familiar with the scary eyed official after he has ruled a few soft handball decisions against them. Fortunately for the bald Italian his imminent retirement will probably save him this embarrassment.

Is a change necessary? Yes is the answer, but what to do? A draconian suggestion is that the laws of hockey should be adopted where if the ball strikes the foot (hand in this case) there is the immediate award to the other side. On the plus side it removes the onus on the official to attempt to read the player’s mind, but the problem being that as well as increasing disruption to the flow of the game, potentially the punishment is far harsher in football with the prospect of soft awards for penalty kicks as opposed to short-corners.

I believe the solution is only slight, but removes the difficult to judge issue of intent. It lies in replacing the word ‘deliberate’ with terminology that states that a player shall be penalised should he or she make contact with the ball when their arm is moving in ‘an uncoordinated and unorthodox manner’, thus placing their team in an advantageous position. A mouthful admittedly, but simply put this would mean that should a player wander the pitch with his arms outstretched or leap to block a cross by thrusting his arms up as if jumping for a line-out ball then any contact and the ruling would be HANDBALL! Any arguments?

Tim Heming
12/02/2004

620: NATIONWIDE: All eyes on Ashton

by : Chris Nee

I’ll be blunt. Bristol City will be in the Premiership in the next five years. Don’t laugh, it could happen. I say this not as a supporter of the club, but rather as a columnist making an educated guess at who will make the next big push through the leagues. Sitting in the East Stand at Bournemouth on September 6th 2003, I was incredibly impressed by Bristol City’s away support. An hour before kick off their allocated section was full and it looked from my vantage point like every City fan was singing. One, according to the matchday programme, had cycled to the game, along with every other game this season. Quite simply, City’s support put Cherries fans to shame – and this was only 2pm. I remember thinking to myself that considering the lack of glamour of that particular fixture, these supporters were some of the loudest, most persistent, and yet most sporting fans I’d seen. Supporters worthy of Premiership football. And that got me thinking…

Just what are the chances of Bristol City reaching the top flight? In my opinion, there is no reason why not. We have seen Manchester City charge up from Division Two into the Premiership. Granted, the situation may be different with Man City having suffered an horrific downfall in the previous years, but Bristol City, if anything, are sitting prettier in Division Two as I write than the boys at Maine Road were in their promotion season. Man City made a push for the top flight via the Division Two playoffs. Why should Bristol City not push on from the position in which they stand today?

Currently sitting in third spot in the Second Division, it is by no means out of the question that City should grab an automatic promotion place. At the time of writing, they lay 2 points short of QPR in second, with a game in hand. Encouragingly they also have a game in hand on neighbours Swindon Town who appear to be dropping off the pace of the top three, occupying fourth place, seven points behind the West Country side, who are in fact only five points adrift of leaders Plymouth. So at this point in the season, it could be said that City are perhaps more likely to gain promotion than Man City were as they entered the playoffs a few years back. I repeat: why not?

As well as world-class support and a good chance of progressing into Division One at the end of this season, I believe that Ashton Gate boasts a few of the players it needs to host a team able to reach the top six of that division in the next couple of years. After all, it only takes a few stars and a bit of team building, and a good slice of luck, and a team can greatly improve. First Division status would surely help this re-building, and I firmly believe there are a few stars already at the Gate who will form a good basis.

Manager Danny Wilson is at present lucky enough to have the services of a man who, I believe, is potentially one of the best strikers outside the Premiership, namely Lee Peacock. Peacock is a big, strong forward with skills to boot, and with the right service and support could be the man to lead City through the divisions. Midfielder Clayton Fortune would certainly be plenty good enough to aid a push up through Division One, and with 19 year old striker Leroy Lita knocking in a few alongside Peacock and engaging in some crazy acrobatics in celebration, City should be able to attract a few names to Ashton Gate. All of which could see them aiming for the playoffs in the next few years.

And if they were to make the playoffs, it’d all be a bit of a lottery. And in that situation could Bristol City make the Premiership? Why not?

Chris Nee
12/02/2004

618: Harry Flatcap hosts I'm a foot

by : Steve Heald

Hello to you SquareFootball readers, the official website covering the media event everyone’s talking about: I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER GET ME OUT OF HERE!

As a well-known face in SquareFootball-land I’ve been signed up by the editor to bring you the inside low-down of the news, events, and gossip taking place inside the celebrity enclosure, buried deep inside the Amazonian rain forest.

Many outsiders have already criticised this event as a needless cash in on the success of the recent ‘I’m a celebrity…’ but nothing could be further from the truth. Admittedly, taking a bunch of blokes into the jungle and then asking them to submit to various unsavoury tasks may seem a little similar. However I feel using the unique and insightful members of this countries football management personalities will produce a ground-breaking show, as well as plenty of swearing probably, so best to keep the under 16’s away from the telly when we are on.

So who are the magical seven men who have agreed to perform in the show for the next seven weeks? I’m sure you will agree it is a tribute to the programme creators that they have recruited the cream of managers available, though the oodles of cash and the opportunity to branch into a career in the media may have massaged the ego’s of some of my competitors here. Not me, of course. I was glad to get out of Europe after it was revealed that one of my last duties when working at the cult that is known as EUFA was to award Istanbul the opportunity to stage the Champions League final next year. A bizarre choice, the most mild-mannered of protagonists have stated, my excuse was the heavy sedation I was under, the Turkish belly dancers, and the cheque with so many noughts on it I thought I was staring at a diagram of how battery farm eggs are produced.

So avoiding the whiff of scandal enveloping me back home, let me introduce you to the rest of my competitors.

KEVIN KEEGAN: Arriving on the back of a miserable run of defeats back at Manchester City, Kevin put down the stick with the handkerchief tied on the end of it holding his meagre possessions, wiped away a tear, and wandered straight back out of the compound to see if there were any games of football being played in the nearby villages. Kevins hope was to unearth a young African who could plug the gaps in his defence or score some goals.

ARSENE WENGER: Upon hearing about Kevins ambition he chuckled heartily; Being the studious type he knew the locals were all South American, not African. Besides, Arsene had got here early, spotted all the young boys with 2 legs, organised EU passports and shipped them all out to Hihghbury where they were assigned squad numbers 57-102.

GERARD HOULLIER: Like Kevin, keen to take a bit of respite from a difficult season, and may find it hard to loosen up and relax. I said to him “What time did you arrive here Gerard?” and his reply was “Why? Why do you need to know that? Were you watching me from round the corner?” He’s so defensive that Gerard!

GRAHAM TAYLOR: Every reality TV show needs one nutter to rub everyone up the wrong way, and we’ve got one of the biggest of the lot. On arriving in the jungle he organised to be taken from the airport to the jungle enclosure by asking the on board camera man to drive and got the driver to film the event. This would have proved handy when inevitably the jeep crashed but when the footage was replayed it would appear the event was filmed with the lens cap on. That Graham, always asking people to perform in roles they are not comfortable with!

BOBBY ROBSON: Everybody loves ol’ Bobby. He made a point of coming up to us, shaking us warmly by the hand, and slipping us a Werthers…twice, as he forgot he’d already spoken to us a couple of minutes previously. Bless him! He’s kept himself amused all morning attempting to pick up the world service on my mobile phone.

TREVOR FRANCIS: And if Bobby is the loveable character then I guess bloody Trevor Francis is going to be the one who always bores everyone to death.
He is so dull! I went for a quick dip in the nearby lake to freshen up and I was saddened to discover he was already there. I then had to listen to him blather on about being a teenage superstar, “bloody Karen Brady”, Cloughie and winning the European Cup, “bloody Karen Brady”, “bloody Simon Jordan”, and “bloody Karen Brady”. Let’s hope he’s on the first plane back to the East Midlands Airport sharpish!

So there you have it SquareFootball readers – You now have the chance to vote off the first manager – Pick one of the unlucky 7 and the loser will be revealed exclusively next week.

Remember Harry Flatcap is writing exclusively for SquareFootball – Number 1 for I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

617: The Agitator #5

by : Antony Melvin

Martin: Well we’ve wasted enough time already. This sell out Southampton crowd is chomping at the bit so without further to do, let’s head down to ringside for the all important ring introductions.
Ring announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen… It’s Showtime… Let’s get ready to rrrrrruuuuummmble!
Andy: This ring announcer is becoming far too confident. I remember the days when he’d just tell us who was fighting. Now it’s turning into a flipping carnival!
Ring announcer: Introducing first is the challenger hailing from Bournemouth and fighting out of the blue corner, weighing in at 14 stones and standing tall at 5ft 11, wearing the blue home strip of Pompey, it’s the one and only ‘Head banging’ Haaaaaaarry Reeeeddddddddkkkkknnnaaaaapp.
The partisan Southampton crowd boos wildly as the former West Ham boss walks down to the ring to the tune of ‘Jus A Rascal’ by Dizee Rascal, barely audible due to the crowds jeers.
Martin: Wow this is unbelievable. I’ve never heard and witnessed such a hostile crowd in my life.
Andy: I take it you’ve never been to an Aberdeen – Rangers game then?
Ring announcer: And introducing his challenger for tonight…
The crowd cheer passionately as they pray for their former manager Gordon Strachan to arrive.
Ring announcer: And introducing the fighter set to represent the Saints and fighting out of the specially prepared red and white corner. He’s weighing in at a light 10 stones, standing just 5ft 7, and wearing the home strip of Southampton, it’s the one you’ve all been waiting for ... It’s Misssstttteeeeerrrrrr Gllllleeeeeeennnn Hoodddddddleeeee!
The crowd cheers instantly turn to jeers as the Saints crowd vent their disgust. The ring announcer then taps on the microphone twice.
Ring announcer: Sorry I was just winding you up of course here to fight for Southampton is the one … the only … Goooooorrrrrdddon ‘Psyyyychooooo’ Sttrrrrraaaacccchhhhan!
Andy: Psycho? I hope Stuart Pearce isn’t watching this.
The crowd goes wild as the wee fiery Scotsman walks through the curtains and struts down to the ring as the sound of ‘Killing in the Name Of’ by Rage Against The Machine blasts around the stadium.
Martin: Oh yes Strachan’s here and boy does he look up for a fight.
Andy: Well he’s going to be out to restore some personal pride not only for himself though but also for the loyal Saints fans who have remained loyal to him to the end. I tell you what though, I’m not happy with this ring announcer. He’s starting to think this is his show!
Ring announcer: And for tonight’s special guest referee…
Martin: You what?
Andy: I told you this guy was thinking he was the star of the show ... Get off!
Andy throws a plastic cup into the ring but misses the middle-aged ring announcer.
Ring announcer: Please give it up for the man who is set to call this brawl right down the middle…
Martin: Who could possibly do that?
Ring announcer: The one… the only… 1966 World cup winner… Aaaaallllllaaannn Baaaaallllll.
Andy and Martin look on stunned as the St Mary’s faithful look on bemused as Ball wanders down to ringside.
Martin: Well I didn’t see that one coming. Andy… Andy… what are you doing?
Andy starts rummaging underneath the commentary table.
Andy: That high pitched goon’s bound to give me earache with his high pitched whinny voice so it’s just as well I’ve got some earplugs under here. I knew they’d come in handy at some stage.
Martin: Why did you have earplugs down there anyway?
Andy: Just in case you bored me with facts and figures!
Alan Ball calls both Strachan and Redknapp to the middle of the ring.
Alan: All right lads. Everybody knows that I’ve had the honour to manage both of these two great sides so I’m going to call this straight down the middle. I love you both.
Strachan and Redknapp look at each other bemused.
Strachan: You love us?
Alan: Yes of course I do. I love you with all my heart.
Strachan and Redknapp shake their heads before booting Ball square between the legs.
Martin: Oh my. That’s got to hurt!
Ball drops to the fall like a dead fly with tears streaming down his cheeks.
Andy: Get up! If you can still count two you’re all right. See you Southerners!
Redknapp holds his arms aloft, seemingly taking all the credit for it, much to the dismay of Strachan who pounces on the Pompey boss from behind.
Andy: Here’s the temperamental Scotsman that we all know and love.
Strachan has Redknapp’s throat on the bottom rope and is sitting on his back.
Martin: Well it’s proved one thing. Redknapp is blue through and through. Look at his face!
Strachan starts rubbing Redders hair with his knuckles much to the former West Ham manager’s annoyance.
Andy: Oh the old playground moves never cease to amaze.
Strachan eventually gets off of Redknapp’s back, rolls out of the ring, and begins looking under the ring.
Martin: What is he looking for?
Andy: Weapons of mass destruction!
Suddenly a figure is seen sprinting down to ringside. The crowd gasp as his face comes into focus.
Andy: Oh no. Strachan’s in big trouble now. It’s ‘Psycho’ Stuart Pearce!
Pearce runs up behind Strachan, grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and throws him into the ring steps at the corner of the ring, making almighty crashing noise as he collides with bare steel.
Martin: Psycho by name, psycho by nature!
Andy: This could get very nasty.
Pearce picks up Strachan, whose head has been cut wide open by that attack, and lifts him above his head before throwing him into the ring.
Alan Ball begins to get to his feet and slowly stumbles over to Pearce.
Alan: What are you doing?
The whole stadium looks on amazed.
Andy: Oh my word? I can’t believe it. Ball is talking … like a proper man!
Martin: I always thought if you got caught in the spuds you’d be talking like Screech from Saved by The Bell! This is unbelievable. Ball is cured!
Pearce puts his arm around Ball.
Pearce: Are you all right Alan?
Alan: All right? All right? I’ve just spoken properly for the first time since puberty. I’m ecstatic!
Alan Ball turns to leave the ring.
Pearce: Where are you going?
Alan: I’m going clubbing to put my newly found masculinity to the test. Hold up ladies, I’m coming to get ya!
Andy: Somebody should tell him that although he might be talking properly now he’s still one ugly pup!
Martin: Forget that. We’ve got anarchy in the ring.
Andy: Don’t tell me Johnny Rotten has shown up too!
Martin: No we have no referee and Stuart Pearce is going mad in the middle of the ring.
The camera pans on the former Nottingham Forest defender and he is sitting in the middle of the ring staring at his hands and twitching his head furiously.
Andy: You’re right. He is going mad!
Strachan, blood pouring from his head wound, slowly gets to his feet and spots his attacker in the middle of the ring. Strachan wipes away the blood from his eyes before running towards Pearce grabbing hold of his neck and jumping over his head.
The crowd cheer wildly before going into complete stunned silence.
Andy: I can’t believe that just happened.
Martin: I think I’m going to be sick.
Stuart Pearce has been snapped in two following Strachan’s vicious assault and Pearce’s blood is gushing all over the ring. A dozen rats race into the ring and quickly eats the remains of the former England defenders body.
Martin: I don’t know what to say? We’ve just witnessed something very disturbing and no Lisa Riley hasn’t entered the arena and taken her clothes off!
Andy: Now I am going to be sick after than thought just entered my head … Uh oh … Redknapp’s on his feet and looking for revenge!
Redknapp moves towards the undisputed Psycho and quickly puts him into a full nelson, shaking him about like a rag doll.
Up the ramp another two figures come rushing down the ramp entrance.
Martin: Who on earth can this be?
Andy: I hope it’s the cleaners … This ring’s covered in rats and blood! Oh no, it’s more trouble for Strachan. Pompey pairing Teddy Sheringham and, the ‘bald eagle’ himself, Jim Smith are running down to ringside.
The partisan crowd howl their disapproval while a ripple of cheers is heard in the middle of the crowd.
Martin: Don’t tell me we’ve got more intruders?
Andy: Oh we sure do. It’s Matt Le Tissier and Lawrie McMenemy! This has just hotted up again.
Le Tissier and Lawrie make it through the crowd and jump over the barriers in time to block off Jim Smith and Sheringham. Without any warning Le Tissier and Lawrie attack the Pompey two and fight them all the way back up to the back.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Redknapp has dropped Strachan to the canvas and is waving up the ramp to somebody in the back.
Andy: Oh, come on ‘Arry. Show us what you can do yourself!
Suddenly five huge figures dressed in suits appear from behind the curtain and make their way to ringside.
Martin: Look at the size of these brutes. 7ft tall, at least 18 stones, and they look meaner than my wife when I’ve taken the credit card off her! I wouldn’t want to be in Strachan’s shoes.
Andy: These look like the East End’s finest. Oh well Harry, I guess who wants to get their hands dirty when you’ve got men like this to do your work for ya?
The five men step over the top rope and shake Harry’s hand like a father figure before grabbing hold over the bloodied Strachan and laying into him with a series of shots to the face and body.
Andy: They might as well call it off now. Strachan’s gone. Not only has he left his job it looks like he’s about to leave this life.
The sell out crowd falls into silence only broken by the tortured screams from Strachan.
Redknapp walks up to Strachan. Grabs hold of his lowered jaw and grins in his face.
Martin: This is uncalled for. Just put him out of his misery.
Redknapp looks down at Strachan’s shirt and rips it off before spitting and stamping on it.
Strachan’s eyes suddenly light up and his face is etched with sheer anger. Out of nowhere Strachan pulls out the power within to throw off the East End’s finest before spinning around the ring like the Tazmanian Devil, knocking down everything in his path at break neck speed.
Andy: I can’t believe this guy. He’s amazing!
Strachan the Tazmanian Devil stops at Harry after disposing of all of Redknapp’s heavies and begins an inaudible rant at the Pompey boss. Harry tries to back down and apologise but Strachan is having none of it and shockingly picks him up and throws him down his throat like a huge steak, eating him whole.
Martin: Strachan’s a psycho all right. He should be bloody sectioned after this performance! He’s snapped Stuart Pearce in half and now he’s just eaten Harry Redkanpp whole!
Andy: No wonder he wants to quit football management!
Martin: This has been very disturbing but I’ve just heard great news that a further 40 million new viewers have just tuned in so, well done Strachan, you’re fantastic!
Andy: You can say that again. This brawl had everything. The only thing that was actually missing was Craig David! I was looking forward to seeing him.
Martin: Maybe he’ll make an appearance next time.
Strachan then lets out a huge burp before mutating back to his usual self and grabbing the microphone.
Andy: What is he going to say?
Martin: Sssshhhh and listen.
Strachan: What can I say? You guys have been fabulous! You’ve supported me all the way and together we have achieved a huge success in reaching the FA Cup final and being a regular fixture in the top half. However it’s time to move on and I hope you respect and understand my decision to do so. That’s why I thought I’d come here tonight to prove my commitment to you boys. Unfortunately this was a one off brawl and whoever takes over the reigns here at St Mary’s has the opportunity to prove themselves on and off the pitch. I just needed to dispose of that Pompey scum once and for all.
The crowd howl with laughter and appreciation.
Strachan: I love you guys!
And with that Strachan drops the microphone and leaves the ring as the 35,000 strong crowd give him a hero’s send off.
Andy: So there you have it. Southampton will have somebody in the quarter finals of this competition, whoever that may be and it looks like that will be the last we see of Gordon Strachan for a long while.
Martin: Next week we have another huge brawl as former England manager and attack minded Kevin Keegan takes on the clubber Sam Allardyce of Bolton who has just booked his team a place in the Carling cup final. It should prove to be another classic. I just hope that you will be there with us in two weeks time to enjoy the show. Until next time fight fans…
MONDAY
Peter Kenyon has gagged Ken Bates (various) – now we at AA have fond memories of dealing with KB (surely soon to be KCBE), whenever there was an ageing Italian that needed a home Ken was always there. So his fall from grace will mean too many agents may have to work a little harder to justift their £1m introduction fee.

David Beckham makes the first move in an inevitable link up with Chelsea, by making eyes at Peter Kenyon (Sun). Possibly he’s jealous about the size of Kenyon’s pay packet. Given the over the odds transfers that Kenyon brokered at Man Utd Chelsea may need the fat end of £100m to land him though. As the Madrid mischief machine cranks itself up for another summer, there was also noise about a swap between Arsenal’s Ljungberg and Figo (Sun)

TUESDAY
The big news that Gordon Strachan may not see out the week (Guardian) is filtering out and it seems that Southampton Chairman Rupert Lowe has a former manager in mind as replacement. Remarkably at the start of the season 3 Premiership clubs were being managed by 3 of the 4 predecessors to Strachan at Southampton (Souness, Jones and Hoddle). So surely its time the other incumbent gets another chance. So step forward Stuart Gray! Or failing that give Hoddle another go (Guardian, Mail).

According to Spanish star Joaquin Man United and Chelsea are set to battle it out for him (Mail), no signs of self-deprecation at all. Whereas Roy Keane is unhappy with Man United’s defence (Star). And apparently the Pope’s a catholic.

WEDNESDAY
In a name calling special, Southampton legend Terry Paine has told Glenn Hoddle he is a Judas and unwanted at Southampton (Sun), presumably from the comfort of his local snug. And Pini Zahavi has called Ken Bates repulsive (Mirror). Kuddly surely! Gordon Taylor thinks that Eddie Gray is a disgrace for dropping David Batty (Sun). And they were winning so many games when he was picked as well.

The winger du jour for Manchester United is Arjen Robben (various), despite PSV's claims the deal has collapsed. Oh and Roman Abramovitch has a few quid spare and might spend £300m buying Roma (Sun). New money, eh.

THURSDAY
Southampton chairman Rupert Lowe is having second thoughts about naming Glenn Hoddle as his new manager because of the fury of fans. (Mirror), but he needs to get a move on as Gordon Strachan is facing another FA misconduct charge for branding Highbury officials ‘cheats’ (Sun).

Bid frenzy over Manchester United as former Starsky and Hutch star Malcolm Glazer is on the verge of mounting a takeover bid for Manchester United which would make him the first American owner of a Premiership club (Express). The research that goes into some of this would boggle your eyes.

FRIDAY
More dissembly as Sir Alex Ferguson will be offered a job for life at Manchester United - if Malcolm Glazer wins the battle for control of the club (Star). With the subtitles on this one says ‘sell to me because I’m better than those nasty Irishmen’. Arsenal are also ready to offer Arsene Wenger a job for life to keep him at the club (Mirror) – more nasty Russian antics being foiled here.

Chelsea target du jour is Ronaldo, on weekly wages of £230,000 (Sun). A fair days work for a fair days pay, and besides have you seen the price of pastries and pies in west London? An after two games in the top flight Defoe (Mail) and Stead (Mirror) are on the verge of England call-ups. Please.

Antony Melvin
14/02/2004

616: Premiership managers brawl: Go

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Hello and welcome to Premiership Managers Brawl coming to you exclusively live from St Mary’s here in Southampton. As you will know tonight’s brawl was set to pit two warring south coast rivals in Gordon Strachan and Harry Redknapp together but the fiery Scot has abruptly left his post earlier than usual and has thrown this bout into a spot of disarray. We haven’t heard anything from Strachan to say if he will be here tonight or not but this sell out capacity crowd are hoping that the former Manchester United, Leeds and Aberdeen star will be here to give them a proper send off.
Andy: Hello fight fans. You never know. Mr Lowe may have asked Glen Hoddle to step into his boots for the night.
Martin: Well if the rumours are to be believed then it just wont be for the night. Typical Strachan, I was looking forward to seeing him in action as well.
Andy: Don’t be so pessimistic. He could still turn up. He hasn’t said no has he?
Martin: No I suppose not. Anyway as you can see Andy Gray and I are back at the helm tonight and this has the potential to be a right slobber knocker.
Andy: Slobber knocker? You’ve been watching far too much of that American wrestling.
Martin: Well I have been sidelined for over a month, following that unwarranted attack by Steve Bruce during that huge Birmingham brawl with David O’Leary. I needed to do something to pass the time.
Andy shakes his head in disgust.
Andy: How are you feeling now anyway?
Martin: I’m on top of the world and I must tell the folks back home how grateful I am for your constant, round the clock, care and attention.
Andy: Oh don’t mention it.
Martin: No I must, I really appreciated it, but I’ve just one question? Why did you dress as a female nurse?
Andy: I only wore it as a joke (as he laughs nervously) I thought you’d like it.
Martin: Andy, I told you on the first day to take it off.
Andy: Yeah I know ... that’s exactly why I kept it on all the time!
Martin: Oh you’re so funny Andy. It’s just as well I’ve still got the pictures of you in that skimpy nurses uniform isn’t it.
Andy: You what?
Martin: Just put it this way. Any wisecracks about me during the rest of this competition then the whole world will see you trying to be the new Lilly Savage!
Andy: OK I hear what you’re saying. What is it with this programme and cross dressers? We’ll have Beckham on here soon.
Martin: What? Is that confirmed?
Andy: No I’m just making a joke. Are you sure your head’s all right?
Martin: Yes I’m fine. Well when this brawl was announced back in December nobody would have imagined that Strachan would have announced his intention to quit at the end of this season let alone quit on Friday the 13th and only Saints fans would have thought Pompey would be hovering perilously close to the relegation zone following their impressive start to the season.
Andy: Nobody would have pictured it but life is a bit like Premiership Managers Brawl… Anything can happen and it’s full of surprises.
Martin: Yeah but not everybody steps inside a ring and dies do they.
Andy: No but I thought it was quite a good comparison.
Martin: I’d think again then! Of course, Redders is a veteran of this competition compared to Strachan after his demolition of Wolves Dave Jones in our very first qualifying round so maybe we could be bidding a premature farewell to Strachan tonight.
Andy: Well Harry knows what’s in store but I wouldn’t count Strachan out of this for love nor money, if he does indeed turn up. He’s got one hell of a temper on him.
Martin: Whoever reigns supreme tonight throws their name into the quarterfinals with some of the games biggest names like Arsene Wenger, Sir Alex Ferguson, Steve Bruce and Graeme Souness.
Andy: Will Harry Redknapp get a bye into the next round if Strachan doesn’t turn up?
Martin: I’m not sure, we’ll just have to wait and see. Besides with those illustrious names in the hat already it’s no wonder Lennox Lewis is hanging up his gloves. Some of these lads could give him a right going over.
Andy: Leave it out Martin! There’s more chance of Kevin Keegan sorting out the City defence than there is of Lewis being sparked out by any of these guys. Anyway the latest betting news is this. Strachan to show up and fight tonight is at odds of 4/1, he’s never one to back down from a fight. For Glen Hoddle or Mr Lowe to take Strachan’s place in the ring you’ll get odds of 7/1 and if you think Southampton’s biggest celebrity star Craig David will fight for the pride of Southampton then you’ll get goods odds of 14/1.

615: Don't forget about the lower l

by : Alec Peachey

In today's footballing world the emphasis is very much on the Premiership in the UK and all the top leagues across the world like the La Liga in Spain. In many ways this is fair enough because in all honesty it is where the most attractive football is played on a consistent basis, where the crowds flock to and of course where the money is for the worlds most skilful players.

However there is still a lot of support for Nationwide League football and even teams in a non league basis who are battling to maybe one day make it. This is because of people’s passion for the game. It’s all about where they have been brought up, or who their dad took them to see as their first football match as to where their personal allegiance may lay.

A lot of money is spent going to watch football clubs all across this country and fans often ask themselves ‘Why do I bother’ knowing that they will be back the next week to show their support home and away. They simply just get the bug for it.

No disrespect to Grimsby and Wimbledon but a game between these two sides may not be seen as the most attractive in the world, it should never be dismissed though as sometimes these sort of games turn out to be absolute classics.

The unexpected happens a lot in football (just look at the state of Leeds United at the moment) but there are always great games every season which have not been billed as being big. More often than not the games which are billed to be a great fixture more often than not turn out to be very drab affairs often ending in a draw.

A lot of the time lower league football easily matches the quality shown in the Premiership and this is often proved in Cup competitions. The supporters of Premiership teams cannot easily dismiss the lower leagues as poor mans football. The supporters care just as much about their clubs as the fans of the Arsenal, Manchester United or Chelsea – and the best players don’t always produce the most exciting football. Incompetence can be more entertaining than excellence.

A pet hate of mine is when supporters of the richer clubs moan about the state of affairs at their club. If you are one of these people then next time just spare a thought for a fan of a lower league team whose club might well be languishing at the bottom of their respective league. And think to yourself – well, I know where I’d rather be.

Alec Peachey
04/02/2004

613: Its time to scrap offsides alt

by : Chris Owens

It's a tired old clich that the female of the species cannot fathom the offside rule, but with the recent change of interpretation it seems many men could be accused of the same 'crime'. With managers such as Strachan and Dave Jones both criticising 'offside' goals scored against them recently, and with the bizarre sight of attackers being placed 10 yards beyond the final defender at set pieces to confuse matters further, it's time to run the rule over the offside laws.

Apart from 1925, when the law changed from requiring three defenders to be between the attacker and the goal, to the present two, offside laws remained fairly constant from the mid 1800s to the early 1990s. Then in 1990 came the 'if you're level with the defender you're onside' directive, followed later in the decade by the infamous 'there must be daylight between defender and attacker before it's offside' interpretation. And just when we're getting used to what is 'interfering with play' we get this new nonsense!

In September 2003, FIFA announced their updated interpretation - not an actual law change. Players can only be given offside if they (a) interfere with play, i.e. touch the ball, (b) interfere with opponent, i.e. block the keepers' eye line, or (c) gaining an advantage, basically playing a rebound from a previously offside position. Therefore we get all this talk of '1st phase', '2nd phase' etc.

FIFA's aim is admirable: '...to protect attacking play that is intended to lead to a goal'. Thus, Gary Lineker, a paid up member of the 'goal scorers union' is enthusiastic about these changes as he hopes to see the end of 'negative offside traps'. But we have seen in practise the complete and utter confusion brought about by how these interpretations are actually 'interpreted'! The laws of the game should be simple to understand, a test this latest incarnation sadly fails.

The immediate response is a traditional approach. As Alan Hansen succinctly put it: 'Either you are offside or not. End of story'. A simple solution. To paraphrase the late, great Bill Shankly - if a player on the pitch isn't interfering with play, there's something wrong with him.

Being provocative for a moment though, what do we actually gain from an offside law? In a practical sense, it CANNOT be enforced correctly. I don't know any human being who can look in three different places at once i.e. where the ball is played, the position of the attacker, and the position of the defenders. Look at the TV replays, offside decisions are generally wrong, and even when they are correct it is more through luck than judgement. Why is there a need for a rule you cannot enforce fairly?

The fear is that abandoning offside will encourage 'goal-hanging' and 'route-one tactics'. But the offside rule often encourages 20 outfield players to be squeezed into a congested 30-metre section of the pitch, resulting in the midfield often becoming by-passed anyway. Take away the offsides and the likes of Zidane, Beckham and Pires have more room to work their magic.

Take away the offside laws and lumbering dunderheads, masquerading as centre-halves, will have to think of a better way of defending than rushing up the field with their hands in the air like a snivelling school child - the result? More space, more skilful play, and more goals! 'It won’t work', you cry? But what about the abolishing of the back pass and the tackle from behind? Get rid of these arcane, cynical, defensive laws and then watch the goals fly in!

Okay, so I may have got carried away, but there is a point. Either you have a simple offside law as advocated by Alan Hansen, or you have none at all. It's black, or it's white. But we can't go on with the murky grey fudge we have now, with all the 'passive', 'active' argument that is going on at the moment.

Chris Owens
12/02/2004

614: PREMIERSHIP: Tottenham can be

by : Antony Melvin

What constitutes a big club? It’s a question that has vexed football fans and commentators for many years. The only common consensus that exists regarding big clubs is that they are the only clubs that can win the league. Gone are the days that a genius like Brian Clough can turn teams like Derby County or Nottingham Forest into champions. To be the best you have to be big, so now more than ever big is beautiful – and desirable.

So what constitutes big?

Firstly spending power. This is usually a function of sound financial planning, but at the moment Chelsea are in a league of their own. Having a billionaire as owner helped them avoid the kind of financial melt-down that may well have matched the travails at Elland Road, and has touched a raw nerve in many football fans who object to the idea of a club being able to buy success. But success has to be bought, Charlton may be the best run club in the world but they have much less chance of winning the league than say Liverpool, whose unused match-day reserves could probably fill a stand. There are no titles for financial integrity – there are for spenders.

Secondly support, without a ground that can hold close on 50,000 you will be hamstrung every single season. Unless you can get your fans to pay proportionally more for their tickets, the lost revenues of shop sales, food and drink, programmes etc will hurt more and more each season. Only Manchester United are in a comfort zone in terms of support, and even massively supported one club cities like Newcastle and Sunderland struggle to generate enough match day income.

Finally history. It’s much easier to recruit the best players if you have a famous and successful team. Look at Liverpool, a decade or so since a league title and players are still starry eyed about the ‘boot-room’, ‘Shanks’ et al. History means that you attract the best without having to pay through the nose in terms of wages.

So which teams are big enough to be champions?

Clearly Manchester United are the only team that matches all these criteria, but any club that can offer two out of three with a potential to fulfil the final criteria can bridge the gap, because no-one wins the title every season (no matter how much it feels like it).

Liverpool and Arsenal need bigger grounds, and they are both dealing with that situation. But are easily big enough in terms of history and spending power. New grounds will merely entrench this position.

Chelsea and Newcastle are a bit short on history, they are notable cup teams with little title pedigree, although Chelsea’s current cash flow and European success in the 90’s mean that they are well placed. Newcastle appear to be making the cut backs that Leeds United failed to make, and their spending power may be suddenly curtailed if they do not finish in the top four this season.

But beyond the most obvious five clubs there are another five clubs that can make the transition into championship challenging sides. For various reasons Everton, Manchester City, Aston Villa and Sunderland have some – but not all of the vital ingredients.

Finally we have Tottenham Hotspur. A team with tradition and history, the first British side to win a European trophy, former double winners and traditional cup specialists. Spurs are the fifth biggest net spenders since the Premiership began, and have spent only a little less than Manchester United and Arsenal in real terms. Finally support, White Hart Lane with its high density of executive boxes can compete with any of the big 3 or 5 in terms of match-day income, with the exception of Man United.

Tottenham Hotspur are well placed to become a title challenging team if they can just employ the right manager. No more half-measures or guesses. Raddy Antic is not good enough, and does not stick around for the long-haul which is essential in England. Trapattoni has a great track record except for the time he left Italy to go to Munich, and he is not a fluent English speaker, whereas Mancini may not be experienced enough.

Spurs in short need Martin O’Neill.

He has improved every club he has been to. He has managed in England, winning the League Cup twice. He has won domestic titles and cups and taken Celtic to the UEFA Cup final. O’Neill could become the next Ferguson and the first big club that gets him will become a dominant force. But whether that club is Spurs, Liverpool or Newcastle depends on quick actions and brave decisions.

If Spurs get the right manager in the summer then they can become Premiership champions within five years. If another wrong choice is made they can continue to hover around mid-table until an inevitable dreadful season happens along.

612: Sam Allardyce and his wanderin

by : Stephen Orford

As most of you know I have spent many a laborious hour lambasting Sam Allardyce for his various crimes against English football. His disregard for the FA Cup, his suggestion that Jay Jay Okocha should retire from international football to play for his mid-table side, and his insistence on bringing in foreign players on loan have all been subjects that have raised my blood pressure. Today though, and for possibly the only time in history, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to defend Mr Allardyce's actions during last night's Premiership match with Leicester City (February 10).

The match was just about as dull as it gets in the Premiership. Leicester huffed and puffed but were clearly fearful for their Premiership lives, which in turn inhibited their ability to express themselves. For their part, Bolton had the cigar on, safe in the knowledge that they would not have to suffer the indignity of yet another relegation battle. With all this in mind, Sam decided to liven things up with a new slant on the offside interpretation. Whenever his Wanderers team were awarded a free-kick in Leicester territory he placed two players in what can only be described as wildly offside positions inside the penalty area. As the kick was about to be taken the two designated players then ran back into onside positions to await any 'bits and pieces' that might develop. A flick on here, a deflection there and the Reebok Stadium outfit might have created a chance for these players, so the theory went. That theory duly came to fruition for Bolton's equaliser in the 1-1 draw. With offside players milliing about in his eye-line, the confusion got too much for Ian Walker who inexplicably let a seemingly harmless cross-cum shot slip through his grasp and into the net.

Allardyce has faced some criticism for what many see as exploitation of the rules. Accusations are rife that he is trying to take advantage of what has become a loophole in the laws of the game, but is it not possible that he has other motives for employing this tactic? In a post-match interview pretend hard-man Sam admitted that he did not like the new interpretation. Is it not possible then that he instructed his players to abuse the rule for exactly this reason? Most fans who watched the game, and other similar displays by the likes of Southampton at the weekend, will agree that set-pieces around the penalty area have become something of a farce. That said, could the actions of Allardyce, and Gordon Strachan before him, be an attempt to highlight this in order to get the interpretation changed?

Wolves manager Dave Jones has already described the new interpretation as 'rubbish' after his side fell foul to its complexities for Thierry Henry's goal at the weekend. It seems that almost every manager in football agrees that the new interpretation is making a mockery of the game of football. How much longer will we have to put up with these undignified displays of 'deliberate offside' before the luminaries at FIFA do something about it?

It is quite understandable that FIFA would want to do something to assist attacking play. After all, goals and shots on goal are what put bums on seats, but they have taken a step too far in this instance. Perhaps, if FIFA insist on sticking to their stance regarding whether or not a player is 'interfering with play', some sort of legislation should be introduced concerning the now very real possibility of 'deliberate offside'. It is only the embrio of an idea from an admittedly manic peddlar of 'ill-conceived rantings' but if, in the opinion of the referee and/or his assistants a player is placing himself deliberately in an offside position, perhaps he should be given offside regardless of whether he is 'interfering with play'.

Hopefully, normal service will be resumed with either the widespread punishment of 'deliberate offside' or the abolishment of the new interpretation. Then maybe I can get back to doing what I do best, which is moan at Sam Allardyce rather than complimenting him on his level of footballing intelligence.

It was hard work.

Stephen Orford
11/02/204

611: Will football hooliganism rise

by : Alec Peachey

In June England will start their European Championship campaign with a game against defending champions France.

During England’s qualifying campaign for the tournament the whole operation was not without its problems.

Hooliganism is a problem in the international game that also occurs at club level to where it is nowhere near as highly publicised. In a BBC documentary shown in the 2001/02 season two journalists went undercover and showed that although the numbers of football related arrests are declining football violence certainly isn’t. They brought to light the fact that clubs ‘firms’ organise the violence to take place in secret locations and this is why the figures relating to football violence are not accurate.

I spoke with a hooligan from a firm known as ‘Wrexham Youth’ who for obvious reasons wanted to remain anonymous.

When asked why he personally chooses to be a football hooligan and why many others do he said: “To be honest I don't know, being in a gang is part of it and especially being part of a well known firm is fun. Walking down the street within a group of 150-200 men singing songs showing that we are here, and in the process making the away fans scared is the fun in it.”

Hooliganism is still a problem in this country however much the FA may like to cover it up the simple fact is that it still exists. Hooligans behave like thugs smashing up anyone and everything in their paths. However Wrexham Youth’s representative disagrees with part of this statement he said: “Hooligans act in ' the hooligan way' because that’s what hooligans do however we only fight other hooligans and NOT normal fans or any families, only other men who want to fight.”

Police do there best to keep hooliganism under control but often struggle. This is because as I stated earlier fights are often arranged to take place in secret locations making it near on impossible to completely eradicate the problem.

Views on policing at games from the football hooligan were obviously mixed but in some ways unexpected he said: “Some of the things they do are correct but much is bad, if the Old Bill (Police) do not want any trouble after the game then they should not release the away fans ten minutes after the match has ended.”

This is perhaps a little surprising as it shows a bit of a different side to football hooligans who you might expect to completely hate everything that the police do and all that they stand for. However the way in which hooligans act should never be condoned.

When finally asked whether or not there is a high chance of hooligans rising again at an international level in this years European Championships the Wrexham Youth hooligan said: “Perhaps, if the new aged breed of hooligans travel then yes there will be, but to be honest the police will be one step ahead of the situation so I doubt anything major will happen.”

What seems strange is why hooliganism only seems to occur in the game of football. For example you didn’t see supposed ‘fans’ travelling to Australia for the Rugby World Cup Finals solely to go there and cause trouble. Although there was obvious rivalry especially between England and Australia it was all very light hearted and fans were even seen to share some parts of the ground together. This can generally be the case in football but sadly for everyone there are some mindless idiots who are bound to spoil it for everyone once again.

Alec Peachey
05/02/2004

610: The second coming of Hod

by : Stephen Orford

The transfer window might be under lock and key until the summer but rumours of managerial manouvring seem more than enough to keep the tabloids buzzing. The identity of the new Spurs manager remains a mystery, aided by the MI5-like secrecy of David 'is this a quiz?' Pleat, while Nottingham Forest have opened up the possibility of an unlikely marriage with Joe Kinnear following the dismissal of Paul Hart at the weekend.

All of this would be enough to occupy the back pages were it not for today's revelation concerning the second coming of 'Hod'. That's right, several tabloid newspapers have reported that former Southampton manager Glenn Hoddle could be set to make a sensational return to the club following the decision by Gordon Strachan to take his well publicised 'sabbatical' at the end of this season. That sabbatical may well be moved forward to as early as this week if the rumours are to be believed, and it seems that Southampton fans are queuing up to vent their fury at the possibility.

They've been here before. Once bitten, twice shy and all of that. God-bothering, disability-offending Glenn walked out on Southampton three years ago after only 14 months in charge. Then, he chose to answer the call of his beloved Tottenham, who had recently parted company with defence-mad, former Gooner George Graham. Just six games into this, Hoddle's third campaign at White Hart Lane, that same beloved Tottenham removed him from the hot-seat after a mixed start to the season. Whether one likes Hoddle or not, and one does not, it is surely a little premature to sack a manager after only six games of a new season for which he has been given over 10 million pounds to spend. Tottenham's disloyalty to Hoddle matched only that of the man himself when he left Southampton in the lurch in the first place.

Southampton fans seem incandescent with rage at the prospect of The Return Of The King. They have yet to forgive him for joining Tottenham, a process which Southampton Chairman Rupert Lowe has since claimed took only five hours from the initial enquiry into his availability to the signing of the deal. Quite rightly, Southampton fans would like some answers. Firstly, exactly what has taken place since then to temper Lowe's initial fury at Hoddle's actions and secondly, what makes him think that the former England manager would not leave the club high and dry again when the next big opportunity comes along?

Despite his less than glorious stewardship of Spurs, and despite this writer's reservations about Hoddle's philosophy on the after-life, it cannot be denied that he did a good job at Southampton before taking the thirty pieces of silver on offer from Tottenham. It could reasonably be argued that he started the revolution that has been continued under the guidance of everyone's favourite tv interviewee Gordon Strachan. Though only six players remain at the club from Hoddle's reign, it is not beyond the realms of possibility that he could achieve similar objectives with the squad that Strach built. The question is, will Rupert dare give him that chance in the face of the fans burning anger?

Football is a results-based industry and if Rupert Lowe thinks that Hoddle is the man to continue the club's progress then he will take that risk. If results go their way the Southampton fans might just be inclined to forget about his previous indiscretions. They will also be safe in the knowledge that Tottenham are unlikely to come calling again, especially since they have already made it clear that they have appointed The Scarlet Pimpernel. Or is it Lord Lucan? Shergar perhaps? Aren't these quizzes fun?

Now, what next on the managerial merry-go-round? Graeme Souness back at Liverpool? Another crack at bringing back the Goodison glory days for Howard Kendall? Perhaps Big Ron could be the eventual successor to Sir Alex? They say you should never go back. If Hoddle is appointed at Southampton and fails to repeat the progress he made in his first spell, Rupert Lowe might do well not to go back to Southampton for a while.

By Stephen Orford
10/02/2004

608: Bryan Hamilton and the African

by : Ashley Michael

The African Cup of Nations has previously failed to make any great impression on the British public. With only a handful of well known players taking part it always had little more than curiosity value. This year however, things are different - nearly every Premiership club is represented to some extent and several of them by their top players, such as Jay Jay Okocha and Yakubu Ayegbini. Indeed, it may well be the tug of war over the services of players like Okocha that really brought the competition to the attention of the British public.

African football is often stereotyped as being chaotic, with disorganised teams full of skillful players. The vagaries of the African way of life are also often mentioned - how often does a manager in this country blame a defeat on withcraft? - but in truth African football is becoming more and more organised and professional as more and more players ply their trade in the top European leagues and more European managers manage African countries. So how do we explain what we have seen at the African Cup of Nations over the past few weeks?

So far we have seen players sent home for drinking coffee fifteen minutes past a curfew only to be recalled one game later, a team spending the whole night before their first game arguing about win bonuses which, inevitably, they didn't need to worry about and a baseball style emptying of the benches to contest a disputed goal. Add in some Sunday league goalkeeping, a dispute over wearing a banned kit, crowd trouble and yellow cards galore for diving and it makes it all the more incredible that Garth Crooks is asleep while presenting each night's highlights.

Squarefootball caught up with former Northern Ireland manager Bryan Hamilton, currently working to cover the tournament for British Eurosport. Asked what he thought made the tournament so unique he described it as "football with a smile - terrific skill, terrific ability and always exciting." "For Africa," he added, "this tournament is very, very important - the equivalent of the European Championship finals. Many African players need this tournament to project their image as they hope to play at a higher level."

Bryan identified three players who he thought could make it in English football - long time Chelsea target Samuel Eto'o, the Tunisian Santos and, most surprisingly, Amadou Coulibaly of Burkina Faso. When asked about a potential top scorer though, he plumped for a player already well establised in the Premiership - Freddie Kanoute of Spurs.

Harry Redknapp is on record as saying that his African players would be better off staying with Portsmouth but Bryan Hamilton disagrees. "From a skill factor we are seeing football of a very high quality," he said, "And without doubt, many associations and clubs are giving time, energy and resources to the African Nations. This can only help the young players in Africa."

Before signing off Bryan confessed that he would like to manage an African team in the future and admitted he would like to work with his particular favourite, Jay Jay Okocha. "To work with top quality players is always a pleasure," he said.

With Euro 2004 only a few weeks away the gauntlet has definitely been thrown down. If Portugal is witness to half as many remarkable sights as Tunisia has seen over the past few weeks then 2004 will be a special year for international football indeed.

With special thanks to Bryan Hamilton and British Eurosport.

Ashley Michael
10/02/2004

609: NATIONWIDE: Pardew's eye for a

by : David Hulott

The days when the three clubs relegated from the Premiership would almost inevitably be installed among the favourites for promotion the following season look to be consigned to the annals of history given the current economic environment of the game.

A statement that has churned out relentlessly as an unchallenged fact in recent times, is that relegation in the modern era comes with an immediate loss of earnings of somewhere in the region of £20 million. This loss of revenue, in addition to the drop in status, invariably leads to an exodus of high-earning star names. It goes without saying that Premiership wages are beyond the means of most of those condemned to life away from the media glare and associated riches of top-flight football. A further factor that tends to impact on those relegated into the Nationwide wilderness, is that the lure of Gresty Road and the Bescot Stadium has a tendency to somehow fail to meet the ambitions of players used to plying their trade at Old Trafford and Anfield.

Even if administration can be avoided in the immediate aftermath of relegation, failure to win promotion back to the Premiership at the first attempt can lead to major hardship thereafter – look at Coventry City, Derby County, Ipswich Town and Wimbledon among others.

One club that seemed destined to suffer more than most from all of the above factors was West Ham United, especially given that their levels of debt were already prohibitive even before tumbling through the Premiership trap-door. According to the much-maligned chairman, Terence Brown, relegation cost the club £28 million. Not particularly healthy for a club already £44 million in debt!

Sure enough, star names such as Joe Cole, Frederic Kanoute, Glen Johnson and Trevor Sinclair were immediately cherry-picked by their former peers in the Premiership. Meanwhile, high-earners like Paolo Di Canio, Lee Bowyer, Les Ferdinand and Gary Breen were allowed to leave for free as a means of dealing with the sudden drop in income. More recently, David James and Jermain Defoe have both departed in the latest transfer window, leaving precious few of those that took the side down under Glenn Roeder still at Upton Park. On the plus side, almost £30 million has come into the club coffers through player sales, while a further £10 million has been saved in wages.

Prior to his dismissal at the end of August last year, Roeder did augment his depleted squad with the signings of David Connolly from Wimbledon (who have since proven to be a major supplier of new talent), the veteran Rob Lee, Matthew Etherington and Kevin Horlock.

However, the renewal of the squad has really started to take shape since Alan Pardew's appointment as Roeder's long-term successor, following on from Trevor Brooking's two-month stint in the job on a caretaker basis.

Pardew built a reputation as one of the most tactically adept young managers in the game during his four years at Reading. Since joining the Hammers, the club's made steady progress in terms of results after a slow start and are now within six points of an automatic promotion place. There is also a FA Cup 5th round tie at Fulham to look forward to and a palpable sense that the club have turned the corner after finally arresting the downward slide.

Having cashed-in on the want-away, ill-disciplined and potentially disruptive Defoe, Pardew's signings look well-suited to the task of regaining the club's position back among the elite of English football. The deal that took Defoe to Tottenham Hotspur for £7 million, also included boyhood Hammers' fan Bobby Zamora making the reverse switch for an undisclosed fee. Zamora may have struggled to make an impact at Spurs, but he looks more than capable of scoring on a regular basis in the Nationwide.

The squad has been further bolstered by the signings of the versatile Hayden Mullins from Crystal Palace and a trio of up and coming players from beleaguered Wimbledon, in Nigel Reo-Coker, Jobi McAnuff and Adam Nowland, all for a relative pittance. Striker Marlon Harewood was also signed on the cheap from Nottingham Forest and has immediately started to repay his £500,000 fee with an average of a goal every other game. With veteran striker Brian Deane and 35-year old Andy Melville coming in to shore up the defence, plus the loan signings of John Harley, Rami Shaaban and Sebastien Carole, Pardew has quickly set about reshaping his squad as he sees fit.

There has been criticism from some quarters that the newly assembled squad lacks the requisite quality for the Premiership. Whilst there may be an element of truth in that, it has to be remembered that the club is now run on a greatly reduced budget, so it simply isn't feasible to replace like for like when selling the likes of Defoe, James and Cole. Even so, most of Pardew's new signings have great potential and also appear to have a greater commitment to the club than some of those that made their name at Upton Park, only to jump ship at the first opportunity.

With support at the ground still averaging in excess of 30,000 per game and with the club having done much to address their debts, they could actually return to the Premiership in a far healthier position than that in which they left it. With Pardew at the helm, they look well placed to prosper once they get there.

David Hulott
09/02/2004

607: PREMIERSHIP: Spurs just a stop

by : Dave Thrilling

As another relatively quiet transfer window passes, the biggest surprise on deadline day was Tottenham’s £7million swoop for Jermain Defoe. If the many football phone-ins are to act as an accurate representation of the Spurs faithful, it appears opinion is mixed on the signing of the young West Ham forward.

Forget all the obvious jokes that have circulated last week about Defoe buying a three up four down property in Tottenham after their disastrous FA Cup exit, the ex West Ham player has qualities that are no laughing matter– pace, skill and an eye for goal that all successful strikers need. Defoe’s former manager Harry Redknapp witnessed these at close hand once again at the weekend. His excellent home debut capped by a clinical finish in the victory over Portsmouth made Defoe an instant hit with supporters and helped push Redknapp’s team further into relegation trouble.

Since West Ham’s exit from the Premiership last season several clubs including Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal have reportedly targeted Defoe. So why did he have to wait until the last day of the January transfer window to secure a move to a club without a permanent manager and still not safe from a relegation dog-fight themselves? Perhaps it is no coincidence that Defoe took the only Premiership door open to him just days after the transfers of Saha, Reyes and Parker. Both Manchester United and Arsenal were in the market for another striker but both were happy in spending significantly more than £7million to strengthen their forward line, while Claudio Ranieri appears settled with his rich pool of firepower for the time being at least. Defoe’s dubious temperament surely didn’t do him any favours, although cynics may suggest his disciplinary record is too good to interest Arsene Wenger.

West Ham quickly saw a mass exodus of their best players in the summer but were reluctant to let another one of their best young talents leave in an effort to assure a prompt return to the top flight. Yet, many Hammers fans are glad to see the back of a player who requested a transfer just hours after Premiership relegation at Upton Park was confirmed. Defoe may have been badly advised and has been quick to apologise but some supporters have never forgiven him. The away fans that travelled to Bradford even had a new song ready for new signing Bobby Zamora “He came from White Hart Lane, he’s better than Jermain”. Whether they truly believe it or not, the loyalty Defoe has shown to both West Ham and Charlton suggests that Spurs may be just a stepping stone for Defoe to prove himself in the Premiership once again and wait until there comes a time when the big three have a vacant position for a striker once again.

If Defoe builds on his superb Spurs debut, a call-up to the Euro 2004 squad may yet materialise. With Darius Vassell struggling for goal this season, Sven may see Defoe as the ideal replacement should Michael Owen get injured. Defoe will need to stay in form at Spurs not only to claim a plane ticket to Portugal in the summer but simply to stay in the first team at White Hart Lane. The signing of Defoe will result in even fewer opportunities for Postiga. However, David Pleat will no doubt find it difficult to keep Defoe, Kanoute and Keane content. Unless Pleat suddenly becomes a master tactician overnight and formulates a successful formation to accommodate three strikers, one of them may get used to warming the bench. With Kanoute seemingly choosing country before club in his decision to represent Mali in the African Nations Cup and with Defoe and Keane forming such a potent partnership against Pompey, perhaps it is the African who will taste reserve football on his return from Tunisia. Yet, some pundits have suggested that Defoe’s style is too similar to Keane and that the most balanced strike force is for one of them to play alongside Kanoute. Many managers would be delighted to have such a selection headache. But, with Spurs announcing a new share scheme to raise transfer funds, it may have been more sensible to strengthen in other areas. The recent drama that unfolded against Manchester City and Portsmouth have been a dream for the neutral but have also reinforced the notion that Spurs are desperate for a quality central midfielder and central defender.

Whether Tottenham will ultimately fulfil the ambition of Defoe may be dependent on their next manager. According to Pleat the signing of the new boss is “done and dusted”. The fans should hope that Raddy Antic was consulted before the pursuit of Defoe. The Spurs board were lambasted only recently for giving Glenn Hoddle millions to spend on strikers only to sack him just weeks later before Postiga, Kanoute and Zamora had even time to get to know their new team-mates.

Will Jermain Defoe enjoy the rollercoaster ride that it Tottenham Hotspur? Whatever happens in the coming months, the most fickle and nave set of football supporters in the country will continue to keep the phone-ins entertaining.

Dave Thrilling
09/02/2004

606: Is it time for Liverpool to ca

by : David Hulott

There’s been plenty of speculation in recent months that unless Liverpool secure a top four Premiership finish and the resultant place in the Champions League next season, Michael Owen will be looking to continue his career away from Anfield. Top-notch striker though he unquestionably is, it has to be questioned whether his departure would be such a cataclysmic blow to the club?

Even as things currently stand, it’s difficult to think of another Premiership squad that possess as many attack-minded players as that under Gerard Houllier’s stewardship? In addition to Owen, Emile Heskey, El-Hadji Diouf, Milan Baros, Harry Kewell, Florent Sinama-Pongolle, Vladimir Smicer, Anthony Le Tallec and Neil Mellor are all on the Anfield pay-roll, with Djibril Cisse seemingly set to join the ranks in the summer.

Some of the above will almost certainly move on in the close season, but Houllier (or his successor) will still have a wealth of attacking options at his disposal. A three-pronged attack of Cisse (who has pace, strength and scores plenty of goals), supported by Kewell and Baros could be a formidable proposition.

Owen’s main strength has always been pace, but at 24-years of age and with his own personal stretcher seemingly on constant call for the first sign of a hamstring twang, does anyone truly believe that this precious commodity isn’t already on the wane? It would be churlish to suggest that he were finished as a top-level striker, but I do wonder whether we have already witnessed the best years of the Chester-born striker?

The habit of picking up niggling injuries shows no signs of abating and it does appear, naturally enough, to take a while for Owen to regain his sharpness after each spell on the sidelines. As a consequence, his goals seem to have a tendency to come in clusters until another spell on the treatment table brings the run to an abrupt end.

With just a year remaining on his contract come the end of the current season, it might also be in Owen’s own best interest to move on. It’s difficult to envisage him moving to another Premiership club (although Mr Abramovich certainly has the financial means to tempt both club and player), while there are few clubs in Europe that could stump up a transfer fee in the region of £20 million given the current money worries throughout the game.

Owen’s game doesn’t appear ideally suited to the rigours of Serie A, which really leaves La Liga as the only realistic destination. Having missed out on the signature of David Beckham last season and with Patrick Kluivert’s seemingly inevitable departure leaving a vacancy for an out and out striker, Barcelona president Joan Laporta would certainly regard the capture of Owen as a major coup.

Then again, the rumour mill has suggested that a certain Luiz Nazario de Lima Ronaldo is less than content at the Santiago Bernabeu, with a move to Inter Milan/Chelsea/Manchester United (delete as applicable) on the horizon. Could the success of the England captain with Los Galacticos lead to another raid on Blighty? Stranger things have happened.

David Hulott
08/02/2004