701: FUN: Footballer haircuts from

by : Chris Owens

Tranmere may have brought a bit of magic back to the FA cup this season with their memorable run to the quarter-finals, but one aspect that will be remembered for all the wrong reasons was Ian Hume's new 'hairstyle' - a skinhead with a little strip of hair down the middle.... oh dear! It did get me thinking though, who else would earn a call-up to the crimes against fashion XI?

In goal would have to be former Reading and Bulgaria stopper Bobby Mikhailov. A star of USA '94, he used to look strikingly similar to slap head teammate Yordan Letchkov, but one day decided to invest in a toupee to keep his head warm. Must have been cold down at Elm Park!

Another USA '94 legend would have to join Mikhailov at the back. Guitar strumming, fun-loving Alexi Lalas made the comedy ginger beard and wig combination the must-have fashion accessory of the World Cup.

A dash of colour in their hair has been a very popular option for modern footballers - we have Freddie Ljungberg and his red stripe for the Arsenal, or numerous peroxide blondes a la the Romanian World Cup team - what was it with 1994, were players trying to impress Hollywood directors, or what? But Q.P.R.'s Marc Bircham takes the principle to garish new levels with his blue and white hoop homage to his favourite team.

Then there's David Beckham - a football god and a fashion icon. But remember the Travis Bickle mohican of a couple of years ago? 'You looking at me?' Yes David, and you looked stupid!

Take your pick from the following candidates. Liverpool struck fear across Europe during the '70s and '80s - but that was because of their dodgy perms as much as their football. Keegan, Souness, McDermott and Thompson, each one worthy of selection.

One hairstyle summed up the 1980s - the mullet. And one man typified the 'short on top, long at the back' style - the one and only Chris Waddle! Still all these years on, he's an inspiration and an icon for middle-aged fans of cheesy heavy-metal music!

Here's another case of World Cup madness. He may have crowned a comeback from numerous career threatening injuries with two goals in the 2002 final, but what was Ronaldo thinking of with that haircut? A skinhead, but with what seemed to be a trivial pursuit wedge-shaped tuft left unblemished at the front.

If ever a haircut could damage a career, look no further than former Forest striker Jason Lee. The Skinner & Baddiel inspired chants of 'he's got a pineapple on his head' got to the big-man's confidence, and he slowly slipped through the divisions with spells at Peterborough, Southend and Chesterfield to name but a few.

He may have scored 49 goals for England and may well be one of the greatest players this country has ever produced, but the number 9 shirt must go to Sir Bobby Charlton for his shameless use of the comb-over - be bald and be proud about it Sir Bobby!

Another great playmaker with a dodgy barnet is Geordie genius Peter Beardsley. He favoured the 'cut around the edge of a pudding bowl' approach normally favoured by poor families who couldn't afford a trip to the barbers.

Only one man can claim the armband for this side, Colombian schemer Carlos Valderrama. Modelling an Afro to put current pretenders such as Ivan Campo to shame, Carlos played his entire career looking like a cross between a missing member of the Jackson 5 or long-lost brother of Beyonce Knowles' Foxxy Cleopatra character in Austin Powers!

A strict disciplinary regime, including regular trips to the Salon, and a vigorous implementation of the 'lather, rinse and repeat' training methods favoured on the continent should have these stars looking at their best before you can say 'Nicky Clarke'. Combining a new look with their on-field skills, this team should be a 'cut' above the opposition!

Chris Owens
27/03/2004

705: PREMIERSHIP: Spurs, Antic and

by : Antony Melvin

There is little doubt that the forthcoming close-season (which is too far away for some clubs) will see the most interesting squabble over new managerial appointments for years. Several of the most prestigious jobs in English and European football are likely to be up for grabs and the musical chairs that will result will send tabloid editors (and some websites) into an orgasmic frenzy.

This is unfortunate for Spurs who have been waiting longest for a new manager after Glenn Hoddle was sacked just weeks after being given more to spend in a close season that the Liverpool, Arsenal or Manchester United managers were.

Unfortunately for Spurs every target they might have, will be coveted at the other big teams that are likely to change their manager. Namely Chelsea, Real Madrid and Liverpool.

Jose Mourinho is the current flavour of the month, and he may or may not have expressed a preference for Liverpool over Tottenham, but if he does state a real (as opposed to a media derived) desire to move to the Premiership he may well end up at Liverpool. There is a precedent.

Back in the mists of time, well summer 1998 anyway, Gerard Houllier was interviewed for the Celtic job. The powers-that-be at Anfield panicked and quickly offered him a job share at Anfield on the tacit understanding that it would be his soon – soon turned out to be 18 games later.

If Mourinho is installed at Anfield, then perhaps this will open up an opportunity to install Houllier at Tottenham. He is a renowned builder of teams. His work with France and his early work with Liverpool is testimony to that. But Houllier is more likely to be exhausted after six years in the Anfield spotlight. So perhaps Martin O’Neill will see that with the doors closed at England, Man United, Liverpool and Newcastle that Spurs is not a bad option. Unfortunately Chelsea look to have seen this and have been making overtures towards the Irishman.

The Chelsea job was described today as a poison chalice by Ken Bates. But a good coach will realise that the team has had its getting-to-know-you year and is ready to start harvesting trophies. Martin O’Neill is clever enough and ambitious enough to take the Chelsea job on. Some Machiavellian commentators have suggested that Glenn Hoddle may go back to Chelsea. This is amusing but unlikely.

But whoever is installed at Chelsea would release a vengeful Claudio Ranieri who would love to stay in London and wreak his revenge. Given that he hasn't got a long history of winning things this may not be the great idea that some people think.

Ottmar Hitzfeld is another manager in the frame. Widely admired in Europe, perhaps he’s had his time in Munich and needs a new challenge. Certainly a poor title display which sees Munich marooned with a double digit points deficit could end his time in Bavaria. But the final team in the jigsaw is Madrid, who barring a late season surge in form may well look to remove a head coach who is disliked in the dressing-room for his old-fashioned attitudes to running about and not over-eating.

So with Madrid available the German may decide to take the big payday and work with Zidane instead of Doherty. Which leaves Spurs, where? Perhaps with Carlos Queiroz, who is a good experienced coach who may crave normality after the goldfish bowl of the last year. He can bring modern ideas and methods and some little pedigree with him.

In reality though, as the managerial roundabout spins over the next few weeks and months if any of these candidates fall for Spurs, then Spurs will be the winners. Its good that the only names being touted for White Hart Lane these days are proven winners.

But tonight ahead of all this came the news that Raddy Antic had been released by Celta Vigo, he has had some measure of success in the past, but does seem like another Christian Gross waiting to happen. Could Spurs simply take someone who is available instead of who is best?

But nobody knows for sure yet who the replacement will be. Except for David Pleat who has already declared that the replacement is in place. Which suggests that the new man is not one of the top names already mentioned – because that would be unethical (surely?) – and may condemn Spurs to another well meaning, second rater who will arrive with a train ticket and leave three years later with a flea in his ear.

Spurs would be better waiting to see who is left in the roundabout in August than taking whoever said they would be available in January and/or was released today.

Antony Melvin
30/03/2004

703: PREMIERSHIP: Would Europe set

by : Dave Thrilling

This weekends results mean that Birmingham City and Aston Villa remain firmly in the race for European football next season. While both clubs will relish the prospect of pitting their wits against some of Europe’s finest, will European football become just a burden to achieving a regular top six place?

Considering the recent long awaited return to the top flight for Birmingham and the disastrous season for Villa last year, it would be a remarkable achievement for either club to entertain UEFA Cup matches next season let alone the coveted Champions League fixtures. For Blues supporters, games against the likes of Barcelona would be a dream when trips to Grimsby are still fresh in the memory while Villa fans long to experience the thrilling battles against Inter Milan of the early nineties once again.

European football will no doubt bring in much needed revenue and potentially attract quality talent. However, both clubs are clearly overachieving this season and a poor domestic campaign next year together with a brief flirtation in Europe may well just set them two steps back after taking one step forward.

With relatively small squads it is essential for both clubs to strengthen in the summer in an effort to maintain a top ten finish. Blackburn and Everton fans will be quick to point out that raising expectations for one season doesn’t necessarily result in building on success. Indeed, Blackburn find themselves embroiled in a relegation scrap just a few months after crashing out of the UEFA Cup. This could easily happen to Villa or Blues next season depending on their success in the pre-season transfer market. A Champions League place quickly followed by a relatively poor campaign may put massive pressure on the shoulders of Messrs Bruce and O’Leary to retain their jobs.

Villa looked destined for a Premiership survival battle just before Christmas, but a rich vein of form aided by the capture of Nobby Solano and the goals of Juan Pablo Angel has yielded 29 points in 15 games. Villa fans should not get carried away. David O’Leary has performed miracles thus far and the clutch of promising youngsters at his disposal suggests the future is bright. However, the last two games have just highlighted their inconsistencies. A lacklustre home defeat by Blackburn was followed by an exciting display at Charlton. The derision shown by some of the home support at the Blackburn game demonstrates how expectations have suddenly risen which may be just too much to live up to if European football is grasped.

Birmingham are also in a period of transition. Steve Bruce is one of the brightest young managers in the country and has transformed the St Andrews outfit from perennial play off final failures to the brink of a European adventure. Blues success is based on team spirit and professionalism, yet they often lack the creativity to be classed as more than just a strong unit who are difficult to beat. The loss of on loan star Mikael Forssell could be the key to Bruce’s success next season. European football could persuade him to make the move from Stamford Bridge permanent but whether Birmingham can fulfil his ambitions of regular Champions League football at this point in his career is doubtful.

While the two West Midlands clubs are over performing, the garden is not quite so rosy at Newcastle and Liverpool. However, despite a frustrating season for supporters at St James Park and Anfield they still occupy the European places and an expected stronger season next time round could mean clubs like Villa and Blues having to rely on cup success for any chance of European football. Manchester City, Southampton and Blackburn who are arguably not much weaker in terms of squad, all failed miserably in Europe this year and all may wait years to get another chance.

It may appear ridiculous to suggest that European football is a negative thing. I am sure Karren Brady and Doug Ellis would laugh at such a statement. Birmingham and Villa may never get another opportunity for several years. If they do achieve the unbelievable, whether it will have an adverse effect in the long term remains to be seen.

Dave Thrilling
29/03/2004

700: Future superstar: Kaka, AC Mil

by : Tom Levitt

It is a mark of the esteem in which the 21-year-old is held by Milan that the no-one mentions that other Brazilian, Rivaldo, anymore.

Kaka, who signed for AC Milan at the start of the season, was originally joining a club where Rivaldo and Rui Costa operated in his favored position behind the strikers.

However, Rivaldo has since disappeared back to Brazilian Club football while Rui Costa must sit on the bench and watch a new San Siro hero come of age.

The two-goal performance in the Champions League quarter-final match against Deportivo La Coruna has cemented the young Brazilian's place in the team and the vindicates the club's £3.5m investment.

Milan's coaches initially saw him as very much a future prospect, intending a "calm and gradual introduction to the side." Said Milan's sports director Ariedo Briada who added, "we have a squad of 26 so are pretty well covered."

However, for the boy who dreamed of the red and black shirt, it has been a rapid rise to stardom. "I'm delighted to be in Italy, I remember seeing Milan on television as a kid, playing Sao Paulo in Tokyo and I never thought I would reach the dream of putting on this shirt."

Milan's past hero's are now lining up to praise the latest red and black star.

"He has the game in his blood." Said Jose Altafini. "He reminds me of
Platini because he's always at the centre of the action, he combines well with his team-mates, he can make runs from deep and he can shoot too."

Another foreign import, Ray Wilkins, was also impressed by the young
Brazilian's performances. "Being Brazilian, his technique is obviously
wonderful, but his attitude to working for the team is also impressive."

Wilkins thought Kaka's performance against Deportivo bore similarities to another Brazilian, "He reminded me a bit of Rai, who played in that position for Brazil and Paris Saint-Germain - a tall, elegant player, very self-possessed."

Kaka is far from unknown in his native Brazil and had already established himself as one of the brightest young talents in South America with 58 goals in 146 appearances for Sao Paulo. He has been part of the Brazilian national team since 2002 with a brief substitute appearance against Costa Rica in the 2002 World Cup winning campaign.

He has already made more of an impact in the current qualifying campaign for the 2006 world cup, coming off the bench to score the winner against Columbia with his first touch of the ball. He then made his first start for Brazil in the match against Peru in November 2003.

In a Milan side that now boasts no fewer than four Brazilian's, with Kaka lining up alongside club captain Cafu, Serginho and goalkeeper Dida, the young Brazilian is far from being a peripheral figure at the club. In fact he could yet play an important part in the rest of the season for AC Milan as they strive to win the Italian Serie A and become the first side to successfully retain the European Cup since Arrigo Sacchi's Milan side won it in 1989 and 1990.

Club AC Milan (32 games 11 goals)
Country Brazil, Brasilia
Born May 15, 1982
Previous Clubs Sao Paulo

Tom Levitt
26/03/2004

699: PREMIERSHIP: Where now for Ran

by : James Loose

A week ago it all seemed clear, come what may at the end of the season Ranieri would leave his ever expanding squad and in would step Sven Goran Eriksson, but now the future for the countries richest club is far from certain. It was announced on Sunday that both the England manager and his assistant had signed extensions to their contracts that will take them up to the next European championships in 2008.

Despite the removal of his main competition for the job the self confessed tinker man of the Premiership looks to be sticking by his statement that he fully expects to leave Stamford Bridge in the summer. So who will be brought in now, and where can the team go from here? As Tottenham have recently found out, there aren’t many high profile managers freely available, and so Abramovich may have to get his cheque book out again if he is to secure the services of a top coach for his team of stars.

In the coming months we can expect to see almost everyone in world football linked with a big money move to London, with a lot of the speculation likely to be focused on Italy, although Martin O’Neil (who’s contract is up at the end of the season) could be a good outside bet. There is of course one very simple way for Chelsea to go into 04/05 with the best man for the job, and that’s to keep Ranieri and let him work without constantly having to look over his shoulder for the next knife in the back.

This would no doubt delight the majority of fans who have voiced their support for the Italian, and will continue to do so until he is replaced.

One of the main criticisms of the current boss was that he rotated the squad to much, and so no one set of players was allowed to develop an understanding and improve their game from there, while this is a valid point, it is one that will not be removed by a change in personnel. At the moment the club has enough talented players to field at least two world class teams, all of whom will want to play every game that comes up, and so in order to keep them happy any manager will have to switch players around to keep the squad happy.

The second defense is that many of the signings were the new owners idea, he told Ranieri who he wanted and gave him the money, taking all this into account it looks like less and less like he has made any mistakes, and is simply doing the best job he can in the circumstances. With the management situation still well and truly unsolved the next aspect of the team that comes into question is the players. With the tinkering set to continue it is only a matter of time before some of the squad realize they would be better off at other clubs and ask to leave.

With a midfield worth over £100 million this could be the place where the rot begins, as players such as Scott Parker fail to get the game time they require. If Chelsea fail to win anything in the next season or so we could see a mass exidous as angry superstars leave in search of the elusive 90 minutes of first team football.

However, as with all good stories there is another road the team could take. After what has been an impressive season Abramovich could choose to stick with his current set up, and let Ranieri stay on, with the new found stability and what is arguably the best team in the league there could well be a new name on the Premiership trophy next season. Building from this success there is no reason why they couldn’t go on to better things, and challenge for the Champions league crown. Sadly it seems as if the die has been cast, and so the fans can look forward to more “who now for Chelsea” headlines than they can shake a stick at.

James Loose
28/03/2004

695: ENGLAND: Time to put England f

by : Jason Walker

Everyone harps on about how good England are as a major tournament approaches, and this year it’s no different.

England fans pour into the nations pubs clear in their mind that they are about to, at last, witness England winning a major tournament for the first time since 1966.

The singing and chanting is uplifting and encouraging, the alcohol is flowing and then England score – delirium.

‘We’re gonna do it!’ is the cry ringing around the country. Yet come the final whistle England have lost, they are out and the next plane home is being booked as fans stand in disbelief, half full (or maybe even half empty) pint glasses smashing against the floor.

All of a sudden the cry ringing around the country is ‘Rubbish England, same old story’.

For some thoughts turn to Everton’s latest signing and whether or not Tottenham will actually finish in the top six this season.
England’s fallen heroes are already forgotten, a new Premiership season awaits and that’s all we care about, ever thought that’s what the player’s only care about too?

We live in a world where football is dominated by money, hard cold cash. At the end of the day it is the club’s who are paying our star’s thousands and thousands of pounds a week, so why shouldn’t they care about their clubs their employers, more than they do about England?

I know as a fan I care about Arsenal more than I do England. For instance how many Arsenal fans can say they’d rather see England win the European Championship’s this summer than Arsenal win their first ever Champions League trophy?

Not many I would have thought. England winning this summer in Portugal would be a bonus. That’s it, a bonus. That is how, I feel the players look at it too. Sure, when they pull on that England shirt they give their all, but at 2-0 down in the European Championships Quarter-Final how many of the eleven players out on pitch are thinking – ‘Who cares really, next season I’ll be in the Champions League and getting £70,000 a week to do it’.

A few I reckon, maybe not all, but a few. Maybe this is not so much the case in the major tournaments but it certainly is in the pointless mid-season friendlies that have been made farcical since Sven’s arrival.

Take this week for instance, are the likes of Paul Scholes, Ashley Cole, Sol Campbell and Nicky Butt going to want to risk injury in a meaningless game against Sweden when just four days later they face the biggest game of their respective seasons?

Er, let me think. Victory over Sweden or beating our fiercest rivals in the FA Cup Semi-Final?

Let’s face it England ain’t ever going to be the best and that’s just the way it is. Sad? Maybe, but let’s concentrate on what really matters, club football.
Don’t expect too much this summer for England, if we do win the tournament then great but it’s not the most important tie of the footballing calendar.

Jason Walker
25/03/2004

689: Harry Flatcap and I'm a footba

by : Steve Heald

Hello and welcome to the final reckoning! Yes, it was decision time today as the viewers went to the polls to vote the winner of I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER GET ME OUT OF HERE, the reality TV game show involving men who contain the line “take each game as it comes” at least once in every conversation they hold. I’m Harry Flatcap, football manager, currently resting between assignments, and ex-contestant on the game show until some heartless jealous b******s decided to vote me off, leaving the two dullards you have viewed for the last week to battle it out in a battle of witlessness.

First off was doyen of the tabloid press, Graham Taylor. As the number of managers for him to talk to dwindled, Graham took to talking to himself on a regular basis.

“Ooh hello Elton. Like the glasses. I’ll wipe your tears away during ‘abide with me’ sir. Wilf Rostron? An honest stalwart. Never let me down as we rose through the divisions. Ross Jenkins? Cult hero, good target man. Now what was that goalies name, you know, the one I played in goal for the Cup semi-final? You know the one, tubby lad, was a waiter by trade, never played in goal before in his life. Never could understand how we lost that game. Heavily. Lee Sinnott, lanky centre half always seemed to have a plaster on his forehead. Played in the cup final aged, ooh, thirteen? We were never going to win that game, the players tuned into ‘Cup final grandstand’ in the morning and my players were traumatised watching Freddie Starr doing his ‘comedy routine’ with the Everton players. Scarred me for life, that did. Now where’s Lawrie…It’s past his bed time…”

Meanwhile Trevor Francis could be seen talking…to the chimps in the trees.

“…That Karen Brady, y’know, never trusted her, should have been her that got the boot but that would never happen would it? The play-off semi-final at Preston. Should have had the penalty shoot-out at the other end of the pitch. I complained to the ref. I complained and complained and complained until I was blue in the face. I told him: ‘You’ve cost us a place in the final, squire.’ To which he replied ‘but Mr. Francis, we haven’t even started the penalty shoot-out yet’. And I said ‘Yeees, I know, but I like to get my retaliation in early don’t I…..’”

So with these two wandering around the place the TV company sadly concluded that the final week was never going to be a ratings winner. Perhaps an indicator of how bad things were is that the TV adverts for a prime-time TV slot were full of the type of adverts you see on daytime telly: Windsor Davies and Reg Holdsworth out of Corrie selling life assurance, stairlifts and baths with doors on them, car insurance for the over 55’s. TV execs were in a real quandary: All the tasks due to be set for the dullsome twosome to do had to be abandoned when even the most mundane of tasks seemed too much:

Graham: So what do we have here in this packet then Trev?
Trev: It’s our breakfast Graham.
Graham: Hmmm, the label says ‘bread’ on the front of it. What do you think it is Trev?
Trev: I don’t know Graham. I don’t believe what’s inside the packet until I see it’s bread. If Karen bloody Brady’s been involved in it then it could be anything.
Graham: I don’t think she would be involved with our breakfast Trev.
Trev: Do you know that for certain Graham? Do you? Do you?

So the event rather petered out to a disappointing anti-climax. A bit like watching Liverpool at the end of most seasons to be honest.

Depressingly the phone in voting for the winner was also extremely low; The call lines, charging £1 a minute for a 60 second call generated a grand total of £17 during the vote for the winner. It would have been less as somebody dialled us by mistake when looking to get through to the Samaritans.

Even so, a winner is a winner…And it is with great pleasure I can announce the winner of I’m a football manager get me out of here to be: Trevor Francis!

Upon leaving the jungle an excited Trev was heard muttering

“It’s the first time I’ve won anything as a manager, look at me now Karen Brady! Ha!”

A mori opinion poll questioned the voters who had not voted for Graham
Taylor. Out of 17 votes Graham received 4. The remainder cast their vote as follows:

6 were members of Trevors family
5 thought he was “that nice Jasper Carrott of the telly”
1 was a female MD of a Premiership football club who voted for him because winning this competition would make him look an even bigger tit.

And the last caller who didn’t vote for Graham said he had unending feelings of depression and suicide and felt he couldn’t continue with life whilst Leeds were in the bottom 3 of the Premiership.

So there you have it. Trevor can look forward to the chat shows, the night club appearances, the singing career, and hot snogs with Peter Andre. It’s back to the dole queue for yours truly.

Where’s the justice?

Harry.

Steve Heald
20/03/2004

698: PREMIERSHIP: Ranieri and Houll

by : Antony Melvin

The jump to the top level in all walks of life is the biggest and hardest leap to make. There are many excellent people for every single great one. Unfortunately for Chelsea and Liverpool, their managers fall the wrong side of great.

Sometimes luck is the difference between good and great. But if you are not lucky, like for example Alex Ferguson, then you need time or money (but preferably both) to prove your credentials in football.

In their time in charge Gerard Houllier and Claudio Ranieri have been given the kind of money that title challenging teams need. On top of that they have been given a generous amount of time (6 years and 4 years) to win the title.

Gerard Houllier has been at Liverpool since July 1998, and his six seasons have resulted in league finishes of 7th, 4th, 3rd, 2nd, 5th and Liverpool are currently fourth in the Premiership. In the seasons immediately before his arrival Liverpool finished 4th, 3rd, 4th and 3rd under Roy Evans. Houllier, despite his protestations, has presided over a gentle decline. Houllier has lead Liverpool to wins in 51% of 315 matches, 18 of these matches were with Roy Evans.

In mitigation Houllier has won the UEFA Cup, FA Cup and the league cup (twice) in his six seasons at Anfield, but the last eighteen months have seen the team slump towards mid-table.

Claudio Ranieri took over at Chelsea in September 2000, and his four seasons have resulted in finishing 6th, 6th, 4th and Chelsea currently lie second. Ranieri has lead Chelsea to wins in 55% of their 187 matches. Immediately before Ranieri, Chelsea had the most trophy-laden years of their history. And Vialli and Gullit lead Chelsea to 6th, 4th, 3rd and 5th placed finishes.

Neither Ranieri nor Houllier have moved their respectively clubs significantly forward. Their league positions are similar to when they arrived, but at least Houllier has delivered trophy successes. But these successes are not commensurate with the demands of the fans or even compared to the riches lavished on the teams they can field.

Ranieri is all but sacked, and probably has been since Christmas. Only an unlikely league title or European Cup win can save him now. Even then the memories of Real Madrid sacking their manager a few days after winning the European Cup a few years ago, or releasing Bosque after winning La Liga last season suggests that even this might not be enough.

For Houllier, suspicions remain that he will be given one more season. Rumours persist that a replacement has been lined up for 2005, which suggests the Bayern Munich or Celtic managers. But another season, when Liverpool have been going backwards for the last two, is unlikely to provide a league title. To suggest they will get past this excellent Arsenal side or even the money men in Manchester or Chelsea is dubious. Another season for Houllier will be another battle for fourth place and the hope of a good cup run.

Ranieri and Houllier are nearly good enough and they have had enough time and money to create great sides. That they have not suggests that they never will. They are decent, honourable men – but its time they went.

Antony Melvin
26/03/2004

696: PREMIERSHIP: Mikael Forssell d

by : Oli Bardot

As a parting shot following his acrimonious departure a few weeks ago, ex Stamford Bridge supreme Ken Bates declared Mikael Forssell as Chelsea’s best striker. This despite the fact that the Finn is currently plying his trade in the Midlands, deemed surplus to requirements at the start of the season. Maybe the outspoken Bates has got it right? The statistics seem to say so, Forssell being the highest scoring Chelsea player this season, fifth in the Premiership scoring charts with 14 goals, only behind forwards playing for the top four clubs.

Surely whoever is in charge at Stamford Bridge next season must give him a chance? What more could he have done to earn a place at the club? He has all the attributes of a top class striker- quick, strong, good in the air, good movement, quick feet and lethal finishing. With time on his side he could become a crucial player for Chelsea. Bringing him back would be like signing a new player, except for free and without the need to settle in.

With respect to Birmingham City they are not a top level club, and so Mikael has been denied the service he might have received at Stamford Bridge. This has taught him the need to create his own chances, and when they come around, to take them. Steve Bruce has been good to him, and Forssell has had the opportunity to play at the highest level week in week out. This is a prime example of the changes to the loan system having a positive effect, and developing an obvious talent. All in all this has been a very good deal for both clubs involved, and the player, so long as he gets his chance in West London next season.

When Roman Abramovich took over last summer, Claudio Ranieri agreed a deal with Charlton for Scott Parker at a reported £5m. Apparently Abramovich vetoed the deal as Parker was not high profile enough. The same fate may befall the Finn as Abramovich continues to compile him team of galacticos.

Forssell himself has hinted he may have to leave Stamford Bridge to secure first team football next season. If Claudio Ranieri is replaced then, with the funds available it is highly likely that the new manager will make a new striker a top priority given Chelsea’s struggle for goals this season. This will surely force Forssell out for good, along with Carlton Cole, another bright striking prospect. If this is the case then the new man in charge, whoever he may be, will have made a big mistake before a game has been played.

Oli Bardot
23/03/2004

697: PREMIERSHIP: Are Chelsea guilt

by : Tom Levitt

Even the current Chelsea manager himself believes his job will go to someone else at the end of this season. Claudio Ranieri may be leading his side into a Champions League quarter-final and currently sitting second-placed in the Premiership but he still sees himself as a 'dead man walking'.

The former Napoli, Fiorentina and Atletico Madrid manager said:

"I go day by day, step by step, that is my philosophy. It has been said I am a dead man walking, so I want to see only tomorrow. Since the beginning (of Abramovich's takeover) I put in my mind that, even if I win everything I may go home."

Ranieri is clearly a man who cannot be taken for a fool and only wants to work with the full support of his employers. He had felt obliged to resign as Atletico Madrid coach in March 2000, saying:

"If we weren't winning, the administrator said he would be obligated to fire me. That's football. He said he was under a lot of pressure. The words had a huge impact on me. I'm a man who dies for his ideals.”

"I had the opportunity to leave in December but it seemed best to help the team. I don't have the same motivation anymore. I'd prefer that the players have another coach with more strength."

He joined Chelsea soon after, in September 2000 declaring,

"I was flattered by the call. If there are roses they will bloom."

It seems as if Chelsea owner, Roman Abramovich, now has another manager in mind and it will be left to someone else to oversee a blossoming side.

Ranieri's tactics could be one reason behind the declining support of his employer's. For a man whose motto is seen as, 'the system is sacred', he leaves little room for the type of expansive and exciting game demanded by his chairman.

Fabio Capello, Ottmar Hitzfeld or even Carlo Ancelotti are hardly synomous with exciting football either, and one of the few managers that could bring such a style of football to Stamford Bridge, Marcello Lippi, saw his Juventus side crash out of the Champions League in the first knock-out round to Deportivo.

Perhaps Abramovich could be guilty of being the 'tinkerman' himself if he replaces Ranieri and that in his search for something else he will be letting the best man walk away from the club.

Tom Levitt
24/03/2004

692: Book review: It's Burnley Not

by : Ashley Michael

As a rule of thumb season reviews have a pretty limited target audience. Nobody really wants to read reports of somebody else's team drawing one apiece with their local rivals, the goals coming from two players you've never heard of. Where's the fun in that? So why exactly would anyone want to read 'It's Burnley Not Barcelona', a diary of Burnley's 2002/03 season?

The short answer is this: it's quite good. I get paid by the word, however, so here's the long answer.

Writer Dave Thomas is helped by the fact that Burnley's season is far from normal. They make a disastrous start before somehow improving beyond all recognition and setting off in pursuit of the playoffs. They then lose to Man Utd in the Worthington Cup and Watford in the FA Cup quarter finals before tailing off horribly in the league. Every so often, just as things are threatening to settle into a pattern, a complete freak of a result (such as Grimsby 6 Burnley 5 or Burnley 4 Watford 7) pops up to leave the reader wondering how exactly a team can be so consistently inconsistent.

Thomas clearly models his writing style on Bill Bryson (which is no bad thing) and makes little or no effort to dispute this. The book is full of the small details that make a supporter's life what it is - discussing the game with random strangers while out walking the dog, trying to stop the wife going on about the team pin-up and scaring young Greek striker Papadopolous by completely massacring his native tongue.

Thomas is a long-time supporter and gets to the occasional away game but often finds himself listening to the website commentary or relying on Jeff Stelling to mention the score on Gillette Soccer Saturday. It certainly adds a different dimension to the match reports. Thomas often takes quotes from opposing websites, reminding the reader of how biased eyes see the same thing so differently. It makes a nice change from just listing the teams and the timing of the goals.

The most commonly recurring theme throughout the book is one that affected every single Nationwide League club - the fallout from the collapse of ITV Digital. Burnley repeatedly teeter on the brink of administration (according to the press at least) but nobody seems to know quite what is happening.

There are constant rumours of player sales and even the prospect of selling Turf Moor. There are regular references to other clubs' problems and the ever-present fear that Burnley will be next.

Indeed, the fact that the Nationwide League has yet to lose a team to the crisis is even more remarkable given the stories flying around at the time of the book being written. Just how much money does Huddersfield owe? And York? And Leicester?

This is a genuinely interesting book for anyone with an interest in football, regardless of their views on Burnley Football Club. Its laid-back approach means that reports of dull games are swiftly passed over in favour of something more interesting, be it a dog-walking anecdote, an unusual fact about Brentford or whatever. It certainly helps that few of the games are dull (Burnley concede two goals in second half injury time at least four times) but Thomas has a style that could make a postponement sound interesting.

In case you're wondering there is one, but not until page 112.

To conclude: if you like Bill Bryson you'll enjoy this book. Not because of any encyclopedic depth - it doesn't even start until a month into the season - but because as a record of a season that doesn't really go anywhere it manages to be both interesting and informative without ever being anything less than enjoyable.

Parrswood Press

It's Burnley Not Barcelona

Ashley Michael
22/03/2004

694: PREMIERSHIP: Any United declin

by : Alex Wolstenholme

Manchester United’s recent poor form has had commentators and fans of other clubs alike rubbing their hands in anticipation of their anticipated decline but they may be talking too soon.

The decline of Manchester United has been predicted before, firstly when they sold Kanchelskis and Ince to be replaced by youngsters and then again when Alex Ferguson announced his retirement.

However the changed landscape of football makes it almost inconceivable that they will lose their place at or near the top of the English game.

Right back to the abolition of the maximum wage, through allowing home teams to keep all gate receipts, to the formation of the Premier League and Champions League the power in the game has been moving inexorably towards the bigger teams.

Manchester United remain the best-supported team in the world and the best performing financially. This, together with their global name means they can attract a top-drawer manager when Fergie finally calls it a day. 67,000 sell-outs and the huge commercial operation at Old Trafford will continue to bring in the funds for that manager to bring in world-class players.

Arsenal and Chelsea are now in a position to compete but they remain more reliant on individuals to retain their positions. In Arsenal’s case Arsene Wenger is the key to them retaining their current crop of quality players and attracting more in the future. Chelsea of course need Roman Abramovich to stick around if they are to be a consistent force both at home and abroad.

Whether you like it or not (and I’m not a Manchester United fan), it is the team from Old Trafford who still remain the major draw for players and fans from abroad while the financial security of the club is about as non-reliant as a football club can be on football itself. Missing out on the final stages of the Champions League obviously affects the finances but the sale of replica shirts and the tours to America and the Far East go on as if nothing has happened.

In turn, that means Champions League qualification remains virtually guaranteed every season and the gap between the top three and the rest will continue to grow. Manchester United may have to share the titles around from now on with Arsenal and possibly Chelsea but another 26 year wait for the title as happened in the 1970’s and 1980’s is unthinkable.

Alex Wolstenholme
23/03/2004

693: PREMIERSHIP: Sturrock a gamble

by : Alex Wolstenholme

Despite all the talk of Glenn Hoddle, Alain Perrin and Phillippe Troussier, Southampton have gone into the lower divisions for their new manager and it is a welcome move.

In looking beyond the trends for either a foreign manager or a big name player (or both) the Saints deserve any further success that comes their way. The Nationwide League is full of ambitious young managers with innovative ideas who would jump at the chance of managing a Premiership club.

Unfortunately, too many Chairmen and Chief Executives are still seduced by the idea that someone who has played the game at the top level in England or who comes highly recommended from abroad can automatically give them the trophies they so desire. It’s a lazy way of doing things.

Rupert Lowe almost fell into this trap himself for whatever reason when he seemingly toyed with the notion of bringing back Glenn Hoddle to the South Coast. Despite the repeated stories about his lack of man management skills, Lowe looked to have been seduced by his former manager. Like any number of former England players before him, Hoddle’s reputation far exceeds any tangible proof of his managerial nous despite him being handed some fairly plum jobs.

Shilton, Robson, Butcher, Waddle, Barnes, Platt, the list is almost endless going back to Bobby Charlton and the 1966 World Cup winners. Too many people have traded on their reputations and too many clubs have been taken in by them. The newspapers assume that Alan Shearer is an automatic choice for the Newcastle job once Sir Bobby retires. Why? The days of a manager commanding respect from his players simply because of who he is are long gone if they ever existed at all. Similarly, being able to motivate players with a rollicking at half time can only get you so far, look at Peter Reid.

Things are improving thankfully as the likes of David Moyes, Iain Dowie and Steve McLaren build their reputations on what they can do, their coaching and management skills rather than anything left over from their modest playing days.

Paul Sturrock may be a flop at Southampton but by taking a team that has under achieved for a number of years by the scruff of the neck and turned them, with little money, into a side challenging for division one football he deserves his chance.

Alex Wolstenholme
23/03/2004

690: PREMIERSHIP: London’s Pride is

by : Chris Sherrard

London, as the capital of England, would feel it to be nothing other than appropriate. The rest of the nation may shuffle uncomfortably at the thought. But the fact remains that the capital is starting to show signs of seizing control of the national game. How long will it be before they release it again?

Arsenal are strolling towards the title and taking everyone’s breath with them in the process. Chelsea sit second in the table and look well worthy of it. Charlton, for all the obvious handicap of being short of Scott Parker, are within a sniff of the final Champions League spot. Fulham and Spurs have looked impressive in stages over the course of inconsistent seasons and could yet finish comfortably in the top half of the table.

The ascent of the capital’s finest has significantly been at the expense of northern clubs more used to battling at the top of the table than anywhere else in recent seasons. Far from all of a sudden being poor teams, Manchester United, Liverpool and Newcastle have still not impressed this season and face a fight to keep from slipping further behind the boys of Highbury and Stamford Bridge.

The prospects for Arsenal and Chelsea dominating this generation, in the way that Leeds, Liverpool and Manchester United have done in the recent past, are palpable. Both are blessed with young, determined and, above all, talented playing staff. Both now have reputations across the continent suitable to attract the quality of players required to win trophies. Both now know what it takes to win important matches when it matters and that experience could prove invaluable as they strive to add to their trophy rooms.

Chelsea have the obvious bonus of cash to burn and unrequited backing from their Russian owner. Arsenal are blessed with a manager who has made the club his own and earned the respect and recognition of the rest of the football world.

The promise for the other top-flight capital clubs is varying but hopeful in each’s case. Charlton, it could be said, are punching above their weight but have a strong team ethic instilled by manager Alan Curbishley. Without an out-and-out massive name, they have a handful of strong, dependable Premier League performers in Di Canio, Holland and Carlton Cole and have proved hard to beat. Whether they are the country’s fourth representatives in Europe’s elite competition come September remains to be seen.

Spurs have entertained and frustrated their supporters in equal measure this season. Looking at the squad it is hard to see why they aren’t realistically challenging for Europe. Their potential for greatness could be transferred to actuality if the right man is brought in as manager in the summer. It is in their own hands. While Fulham, somewhat inconsistent in recent months but strong early on, contain a number of key ingredients required for success. In Chris Coleman they have one of the liveliest and most likeable managers in the league. One of his gems may have been pinched but Malbranque, van der Saar and Sean Davis have ensured the Craven Cottagers haven’t missed Louis Saha as much as they would have expected.

Manchester United will be back. There can be no doubt about that. But the intensity and success of their fightback next season will be determined by a number of factors. Mainly the pre-season unification which Sir Alex Ferguson can manage to summon from within his squad or by bringing in the right men. But a large part of how far United come back will be elected by whether Arsenal and Chelsea can keep this distance between them and the fallen champions.

If United don’t break back into the top spot of the table next year, it could be a while before they find themselves in a position to do so again. London’s pride will see to that.

Chris Sherrard
21/03/2004

691: PREMIERSHIP: Tottenham and Eng

by : Chris Sherrard

Could it be that Tottenham and England have a goalscoring replacement for the great Gary Lineker at long last? I refer, of course, to Jermain Defoe.

The youngster has impressed in front of goal since donning the white of spurs in the last transfer window. He was conspicuously prolific in the claret and blue of West Ham and the cherry red of Bournemouth before arriving at White Hart Lane. The credentials of Defoe, unlike his fans in the game, are plentiful.

He was guilty of angering, disgusting and infuriating Hammers’ fans and ‘football men’ with his impatient, ill-advised handing-in of a transfer request just hours after the Upton Park team had been relegated from the Premiership last May. It made him public enemy numero uno for a spell.

But class will win over critics if it is continuous and Defoe’s 15 goals prior to January for West Ham showed that, even in stormy waters, he could hit the net with striking frequency.

Spurs, despite already having two star strikers in Robbie Keane and Freddie Kanoute, took a risk on the 21-year old Londoner. That risk looks to be a clever one and one which will see them, all being well, in a healthy striking state for the next number of seasons. It was at the time, said to be a transfer which was ‘in everyone’s interest’. But, while West Ham may be glad of the seven million extra in their bank account, they were left without their main source of goals. There are three other clear winners from Defoe switching to the white.

Obviously Spurs will feel the benefit of increased attacking options and flair. Robbie Keane is not a goal-sniffer in the genuine sense. His game is more about creating chances for himself and others and linking midfield and attack through dropping deep or wide to receive passes. Kanoute is more of a scorer as he proved in his recent international bow in the African Nations. He gives Tottenham an outlet of height and pace and will prove invaluable if they are to fight for the trophies and awards which they are clearly capable of.

Defoe, himself, is the second obvious beneficiary of the move. He gives the club something different again up front. Although slightly built, he is a ball of pace and power when needed and possesses one of the attributes of what it takes to be a great striker – a nose for goal. He can finally take over the mantle which Lineker left behind as the box-man, the guy who gets the goals. Four goals in his first three games at the club bore witness to that.

Finally, Sven Goran Eriksson and the national team are sure to reap the rewards of a young, hungry striker who knows what it takes to score and is confident in his own ability. Defoe is just what Eriksson has been waiting for. In him, the England manager has a player capable of removing the clear burden from Michael Owen’s shoulders as the country’s main source of goals. He has come around at just the right time as well. Emile Heskey is much-maligned in the domestic game and, as a confidence player, this has done no end of harm to his potential as England’s number two striker. Wayne Rooney has thrust himself onto the international stage in remarkable fashion over the last year or so but is not an out-and-out goalscorer in the way Owen and Defoe are. The other striking options at Eriksson’s disposal highlight again the lack of free-scoring potential required on the international stage. Smith, Vassell and Beattie - the main protagonists for the striker’s berths in Portugal this summer – are not what you would call prolific with the three lions emblazoned on their chests.

There remains a chance of Defoe boarding the plane to the Iberian Peninsula in the June sunshine. If you ask me, his country needs him. Whether he is playing cards with Owen and Beckham and potting pool balls with Gerrard and Scholes in Faro is all in his own hands. Between now and the end of the season, Jermain Defoe can make it impossible for the national manager to leave him behind. Moreover, he can make Spurs fans enjoy their inter-seasonal break, safe in the knowledge that Lineker has been reborn in the shiny white of Tottenham Hotspur.

Chris Sherrard
21/03/2004

687: FUN: Adidas take football to n

by : Colin Illingworth

If you want to watch football in the near future you may be left looking up to the sky, and I don’t mean Rupert Murdoch’s satellite company.

Osaka in Japan was recently the venue for a publicity stunt showcased by sports manufacturer Adidas titled Vertical Football. Two players suspended 12 stories high in the middle of the City’s skyscrapers on cords, similar to those used in bungee jumps, and a ball, also on bungee cord, compete in mid air for twenty minutes.

It sounds quite bizarre but the locals were amazed by the spectacle and Adidas were so pleased with the response that they are already planning on performing the stunt in another one of the games growing countries America in the world famous Times Square.

Could vertical football be the future of the beautiful game or just a new strand that will entice the adrenalin junkies and extreme sports fanatics into football?
Japan has taken football to its heart after the game was given a revamp in the 90’s and the success at the World Cup has carried momentum. But the underlying problem is that the country is one of the most populated in the world and the lack of available playing pitches at grass roots level is a major concern. Vertical football is being touted as a possible solution to this situation but some of the games basic appeals would disappear.

You couldn’t just go round your mates’ houses with a ball and get a kick about on the field with jumpers for goalposts. You’d have to haul these massive bungee cords around, scale a huge skyscraper, and secure the ropes before a ball is kicked in anger. By the time they scale the building they would probably be too shattered to do anything anyway.

It’s also not for those scared of heights and what will happen to the stunning scenery if those who do manage to secure themselves 12 stories high? The sky will be awash of people swinging through the air screaming and shouting ‘Goal’! And if they extend it to full eleven a-side, well … I don’t even want to think about it.
One thing is for sure though, this will be worth watching and it could quite easily catch on with the extremist sports contingent but I don’t think I’m taking a huge gamble by saying we won’t be seeing Vertical Football played in Crawley for a number of decades!

Colin Illingworth
17/03/2004

688: PREMIERSHIP: It's time for Fer

by : Chris Nee

Manchester United have dominated English football and its representation in European competition for over a decade. This success has also been mirrored in Utd’s ruling of the roost in terms of the commercial side of football worldwide. All of this progress was made under the leadership of Sir Alex Ferguson and during this time, on the pitch glory was capped with a memorable treble, including the European Cup, in 1999. This should have been the moment that Manchester United used as a springboard to go on to achieve even further: more European wins, bigger name players and a stronger hold over the Premiership. This did not happen. Talk in the pubs of England now is of United’s demise, of their downfall as Arsenal take a stranglehold in the league and FA Cup, and push United aside as England’s top side in Europe.

Demise is a strong word, and I for one would give anything for my side to be in the position the boys at Old Trafford find themselves in. However, I believe that a major reason for Arsenal’s ability to purge United from their perch is poor management. The time has come, I’m afraid, for Sir Alex to clear his desk and pack his stopwatch and leave the Theatre of Dreams for good.

Ferguson has undeniably done a world of good for the English game, but for United his regime appears to be doing more harm than good, and has been unable to turn the peak of 1999 into a plateau, instead tumbling down the other side, passing the Gunners on the way down. Since that pivotal moment a series of management disasters have come to the fore.

Fergie’s relationship with a certain David Beckham allowed one of the world’s most underrated (yes, that’s under-rated!) players to leave Manchester last summer. Ferguson's treatment of his players has been admired by some parties, and United players are certainly given little chance to stray. We all remember hearing the story about one time in particular when Sir Alex got wind of a party at Lee Sharpe’s house and proceeded to throw a spanner in the works and made his feelings known by clipping each partygoer round the ear as they left.

This, I would argue, is all well and good for perhaps 99 out of every 100 players. Thankfully though, the game is home to more maverick types like Beckham, and Ferguson’s relationship with Golden Balls was such that Beckham doubtlessly felt that he was being required to suppress his personality. David Beckham is a great football player, but much of that is linked to the off-the-field extravagance which Ferguson was so eager to mask. Time will tell on his replacement but I would venture to guess that Cristiano Ronaldo is unlikely to achieve the status at Man United which is now enjoyed in Spain by Mr. Beckham.

Perhaps the best thing Sir Alex has done since 1999 was finally get shot of the anonymous Juan Sebastian Veron. Of course one of the worst things Sir Alex did was sign him in the first place. In my opinion Ferguson has made a plethora of weak signings not only since 1999 but also previously. Academy boys Beckham, Scholes, Butt and Giggs have outshone Ferguson’s signings season in season out. Admittedly the signing of Ruud Van Nistelrooy was one of Fergie’s not insignificant moments of genius, but let’s remember for a moment some of the name’s which are nowhere near fit for Old Trafford: Jordi Cruyff, Karel Poborsky, Seba Veron, Jesper Blomqvist, Ed Van Der Gouw. Even now I would question the presence of the likes of Bellion, Kleberson and Forlan at a club of that size.

Manchester United should have moved onwards and upwards after 1999, but instead a combination of poor man-management, poor signings, and most recently Ferguson’s fatal lapse this season, taking his eye well and truly off the ball and allowing for a split second the JP McManus and John Magnier affair to enter the back of his mind. This was all Arsenal needed to slide past and push on for the title. It’s time to move on, Sir Alex. Manchester Utd need a manager with 100% focus, and I believe that Ferguson is no longer the man. I would expect that if Utd suffer another trophyless season their fans might begin to see things my way.

Chris Nee
19/03/2004

686: PREMIERSHIP: Roman Abramovich

by : Jason Walker

As Claudio Ranieri’s job hangs precariously in the balance in Chelsea’s first season under oil tycoon Roman Abramovich is the big spending Russian going to become the Premiership version of Inter Milan owner Massimo Moratti?

In nine years as the Nerazurri owner Moratti has been through 10 coaches, has signed a staggering 103 players and won just one trophy – the 1998 Uefa Cup.

Whilst the likes of Ronaldo and Vieri have passed through the Inter turnstiles so have big flops such as Hakan Sukur, Alvaro Recoba and Vampeta. Following the departure of Hector Cuper earlier this season Alberto Zaccheroni arrived, and soon Inter crashed out of the Champions League after defeats to Arsenal and Lokomotiv Moscow, slipped down to seventh in Serie A and out of the running for the Scudetto – again.

Also they are out of the Coppa Italia after a semi-final defeat to Juventus, so what is going to happen?

Well rumours are rife in Italy that Lazio boss Roberto Mancini is being lined up for a summer switch to the San Siro and that Moratti is already getting ready the funds for the impressive Italian coach to build his own team!
Zaccheroni’s only been in the job a few months! Yet this is the kind of madness that is created when a club has a wealthy owner who is spending so much money that instant success is demanded.

Down at Stamford Bridge Claudio Ranieri is seemingly on borrowed time with the likes of Fabio Capello, Ottmar Hitzfield and Sven Goran Eriksson being linked with the Blues hotseat.

Abramovich has already spent £120 million yet Chelsea look like they will not win a trophy this season as Arsenal threaten to run away with the whole bloody lot.

Yet the fact that this is probably Chelsea’s best season in the Premiership doesn’t matter to people like Abramovich, he’s ploughed his money in and damn it he wants success, so if he doesn’t get it Ranieri will be out.

Yet that won’t be the end of it. For argument’s sake let’s say Eriksson gets the Blues job, he may get another £100million to build his own team and be allowed to dump some expensive flops, yet what if Chelsea don’t look like having the Championship and European Cup sowed up by Christmas? He’ll be out, someone else will come in and around and round we go.

It’s ridiculous it really is, but that’s what happens when big boys like Roman and Massimo buy expensive toys.

Manchester United are the most successful side of the last fifteen years yet they haven’t spent as much as Moratti or paid anything like the wages Moratti has paid out and look at the difference in terms of success.
Stability and a good coach (Ranieri) is what is needed to gain success, look at United and Arsenal. Ferguson didn’t win a trophy for three seasons yet look what he’s achieved since.

Listen up Roman you’re doing it all wrong, and in the end you’ll pay for it.

Jason Walker
19/03/2004

685: Harry Flatcap and I'm a footba

by : Steve Heald

Hello and welcome to the latest exclusive news of the hottest reality game show that involves men whose duties involve ensuring members of their staff are safely tucked up in bed at a reasonable hour when staying in hotels. Yes, welcome to the penultimate week of I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER, GET ME OUT OF HERE. Harry Flatcap here with the latest news, views, and behind the scenes gossip.

Since peoples choice, all round good guy, and most entertaining member of the jungle, er, me, was voted off last week the smart money has been on Bobby Robson triumphing in the Amazonian heat. However another shock ensued when the general public (what do they know though eh?) voted the genial Geordie back off to his retirement apartment deep in the bowels of St. James’ Park.

It would appear old-man Bobby simply failed to do anything interesting during the last week. Though it’s hardly surprising, judging by what he had talking to him all day long. Graham Taylor, certainly suffering in the heat, has taken to calling Newcastle gaffer ‘Lawrie’ and uttering things like

“We were right about Gazza, eh Lawrie? He’s forgotten his mask – Gazza! Where’s yer mask? Hey there having a go at John Barnes again Lawrie. He’s a human being too you know! Carlton! F**kin’ hell Carlton! Can we not knock it?”

On the other side poor Bobby has Trevor Francis whittering down his ear:

“…So if I’d taken the A547 out of Dudley and got on the M6 fifteen minutes earlier I’d have missed all the tailbacks…enabling me to cut across the A400 at the preferred time, enhancing the possibility of
me catching flight Z61S Air Schillachi flight to Milan in reasonable time to catch Ronaldo before he departed to Barcelona airport to sign for them…He’d have been a Birmingham City player Ronaldo you know…the deal had been done, Karen Brady…bloody Karen Brady had been flirting with him for weeks and David Sullivan had promised him, his family and his whole entourage a lifetimes supply of free pornography. Everyone was happy…If only I’d taken the A547 out of Dudley. I suppose I could have swung right and taken the A521 towards Tipton…Still it wasn’t my fault, I blame the FA. Probably put roadblocks down on the M6 to ensure I didn’t get there. Always got in for me the FA…Maybe the A40 directly through Nottingham would have been a good route…”

Certainly these two boring the life out of Bobby had a similar effect on our viewing public. Latest stats just in show a grand total of three people were viewing last Thursday evening…the night the team were tasked with building an anteater mating boudoir out of their own pubic hair and sticks. Two of the three were in the same house too.

So it would appear the general public just want to see who will irritate the other the most – Graham Taylor or Trevor Francis. It could be bloodshed, so don’t forget to tune in next week to say the grand finale of this fascinating and oft-revealing world of the football manager…when he’s been inserted into the jungle.

Yours till next week.

Harry Flatcap, deep in the rain forests of South America.

PS – If my agents reading this, please can you ensure the promised funds have been transferred into my bank account – I’m not hanging around here nodding off with the rest of the camera crew listening to these two pillocks unless my monies safely where the TV company promised it would be. I thank you.

Steve Heald
08/03/2004

684: Mavericks: Ruud Gullit; Milan,

by : Daniel Ruiz

RUUD GULLIT
Milan, Sampdoria and Holland

One of the greatest players ever to grace the game, like so many of his Dutchmen, it was only Gullit’s temperament that was in question.

Trouble followed the dread locked one wherever he went and his days at Milan, where he really made his name, were numbered when coach Arrigo Sacchi left to take the Italy job in the autumn of ’91.

Gullit, such a vital cog in the great Milan side of the late 80s, and Sacchi’s successor, Fabio Capello never saw eye to eye, Capello ironically dishing out the type of treatment to Gullit that Gullit would later famously mete out to Gianluca Vialli during his time as Chelsea manager.

Tired of playing only sparingly, Gullit’s public outbursts against the management grew more common. Following a catalogue of injuries and talk of conflict in the dressing room between Gullit and the leading Italians at the club, notably Franco Baresi and Daniele Massaro, the Dutchman was sold for a nominal fee to Sven Goran Eriksson’s Sampdoria.

Given a free role by the Swede, he was a spectacular success scoring 16 goals for the Genoa club, his best tally in Serie A. The highlight of these was a winner against his former club as Sampdoria came back from 2 goals down to edge a five goal thriller at the Stadio Luigi Ferraris.

Gullit returned from self imposed exile to the Dutch national team just weeks before the 1994 World Cup only to walk out on his team-mates on the eve of the finals following arguments over tactics with coach Dick Advocat, and Advocat’s refusal to restore him to the captaincy. The Dutch never recovered from Gullit’s acrimonious departure and bowed out in the quarter-finals to eventual winners Brazil.

After the World Cup, Gullit rejoined Milan before dressing room tension surfaced again, with rumours of a punch up between him and Daniele Massaro to this day refusing to go away. Gullit returned to Sampdoria before the autumn, speaking of how he would never again allow his heart to over rule his head, and saw out another season with the Genoa club before coming to Chelsea.

After short spells in charge of Chelsea [where he brought the club its first trophy in 26 years] and Newcastle, Gullit is set to end 5 years out of the game by coaching his former side Feyenoord from the beginning of next season.

Daniel Ruiz
18/03/2004

683: PREMIERSHIP: Luciano Figueroa

by : David Hulott

On arriving from Rosario Central for £2.5 million in the summer, Steve Bruce claimed that Birmingham City’s latest recruit, 22-year old Argentinian striker Luciano Figueroa, could be the “new Batistuta”. Indeed, he did finish the opening half of the domestic league season in Argentina as top scorer (although many of his goals were in largely meaningless games) and his move to England was heavily contested, with Spanish side Osasuna claiming the player had already agreed a deal with them.

Four months after joining the Midlands outfit, Figueroa was on his way to Cruz Azul in Mexico for one of those mysterious “undisclosed fees” (I’ll hazard a guess that this was somewhere in the region of £2.5 million less than that which took him to St. Andrews), having failed to make a single starting appearance in the Birmingham first team (although he did manage three minutes as a late substitute against Portsmouth). If he had any similarities with Batistuta, it appeared to be with the player currently ambling around near-empty stadiums in Qatar as part of his pension plan.

While some would consider the move to Mexico a backwards step, it should be stressed that the league is certainly the strongest in the Americas in terms of its ability to attract foreign players, the level of competitiveness and the salaries on offer. In addition, Cruz Azul are no mugs, having even reached the final of the Copa Libertadores in 2001 (losing on penalties to Boca Juniors).

This season, as ever, La Maquina Azul (the Blue Machine) were among the pre-season favourites for the Clausura (Closing Championship – the league being split into separate summer and winter tournaments), with a squad containing Mexican internationals such as World Cup 2002 keeper Oscar Perez, defender Melvin Brown, midfielders Tomas Campos and Cesareo Victorino and young striker Juan Carlos Cacho. In addition, they also had the experienced former national team coach Enrique Meza at the helm and, perhaps most importantly of all, two current Argentina internationals in the excellent Cesar Delgado and the prolific Marcelo Delgado (who, incidentally, scored the Boca Juniors goal in the 2001 Copa Libertadores final first-leg prior to his move north). Meza could also count on another occasional Argentina squad member in defender Daniel Diaz and Colombian midfielder John Restrepo. It was difficult to envisage a squad more capable of winning the title than that at the Estadio Azul.

I should perhaps point out here that the Mexican league system is one of the most convoluted in world football (which was covered in a previous article – Tequila Franchise on 23/09/2002). Basically, the 20 teams (split into four groups of five) all play each other once, with the winners in each group qualifying for the quarter-finals, along with the best three runners-up. The final place is decided via a play-off between the second-placed team with the worst record and the best third placed team – all very straightforward!

Cruz Azul should, theoretically, walk their group, featuring as it does relative lightweights in Morelia, San Luis, Tigres UNL and Jaguares Chiapas. The season began well enough, with a win and a couple of draws, but they then embarked on a run of six straight defeats that left them bottom of the full table and led to the dismissal of Senor Meza. The task of restoring confidence and improving results was handed to Luis Fernando Tena, with his first game at home to minnows Queretaro last Saturday. As often happens, the installation of a new coach had the desired effect, with the team winning 2:0 courtesy of a goal apiece from the two Delgados.

Oh yes, Figueroa also had an impact on the game. With five minutes remaining and the points already in the bag, the Argentinian striker was brought on for Cesar Delgado to enable him to make an impression on his new boss. That he certainly did, being shown a red card after less than two minutes for a tackle from behind. All in all, it’s been quite a season for Figueroa!

David Hulott
17/03/2004

682: PREMIERSHIP: Footballers need

by : Alec Peachey

This season football has very much been in the limelight for the wrong reasons. Accusations of dogging, roasting’s, violence, hit and run’s etc are just some of the negative things that have plagued the game in a season that has very much taken the emphasis away from the actual playing of the game.

Over the last couple of weeks it has been impossible to escape the news surrounding Leicester City Football Club. Three of their players Paul Dickov, Keith Gillespie and Frank Sinclair are all accused of assaulting three African (or German – depending on the tabloid you read) women with an accusation of sexual aggression against one of the women out in La Manga in Spain.

The players deny the charges but still had to spend 6 nights in a Spanish jail before being released on bail at a cost of £200,000. Obviously they are innocent until proven guilty but questions have to be asked as to how they got themselves in the situation in the first place. The fact that they are also more senior members of the Leicester squad does not give out the right signals to the younger players in their team and also to any youngsters trying to gain professional contracts. Professional players should not be drinking in a week where they were meant to be on a training exercise, which would not have come cheap to the club.

Ambassadors for the game of football include ex players like Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen, and current players like David Beckham, Alan Shearer and Michael Owen. These five either treated the game or treat the game and their personal positions within it with the respect that those positions command. This is because they lead relatively normal lives considering the amount of money they have earnt and will continue to earn from their chosen careers.

Obviously the amount of money footballers earn at the top level is huge and it is very easy to be tempted into leading an excessive life. Look at ex players like Paul Gascoigne and George Best who have sadly seriously abused their positions and were once great players. For new up and coming young players the FA should look seriously at the idea of life training. This would equip players with the knowledge needed in ‘normal’ situations throughout their lives so that they don’t just waste their money on the excesses in life and learn how to treat ‘normal’ people with the respect they deserve. Perhaps if this idea took off and started to work we could all once again concentrate on the playing of the game.

Well we can but dream of those days anyway.

Alec Peachey
14/03/2004

681: PREMIERSHIP: Manchester United

by : Jason Walker

Sir Alex Ferguson has been a great manager. He will long live in the memory of football fans and pundits alike for years to come.

But notice my use of ‘has been’. Brian Clough was a legend at Nottingham Forest winning two European cups and one league title during his time in charge.

Under Cloughie Forest were one of the big boys, along with Liverpool they dominated, yet Cloughie suffered a sad, desperate decline which ended with relegation from the Premiership in 1993.

I fear the same fate for Sir Alex Ferguson if he does not get out quickly. Rumours are rife that a secret consortium are ready to take over Glasgow Rangers and make Fergie their boss. If this true, Fergie should take it, a couple of seasons at his home town club would see him end his career on a high. He has won it all at United, and deservedly so. Yet all good things come to an end and I feel United’s era of dominance is over.

I am, however, not writing this as a smug gooner git who was in his element as City thumped United 4-1 at the weekend. I write this as an impartial sports writer who genuinely feels this is the beginning of the end for United under Ferguson.

Let a younger man take over, O’Neill, Bruce, Moyes perhaps?
This season Ferguson has made mistakes. People have to accept this. Selling David Beckham was a big mistake, the fact that in the first leg of United’s fateful Champions League tie against Porto Paul Scholes was the seventh player to be tried in Beckham’s old position surely proves this.

Ferguson would probably tell you Beckham was becoming bigger than Manchester United, maybe so. Yet doesn’t the John Magnier affair seem to show Ferguson as believing he is bigger than the club. Only once he realised he was going to lose that battle did he back down.

Letting Rio Ferdinand start his ban early was a crucial error, as was thinking Wes Brown would be straight back to top form after months out injured.

Kleberson and Djemba-Djemba have failed in the United colours while Ronaldo was possibly bought a year too early.

United have also been overshadowed by Chelsea in the financial stakes and are losing out on top players such as Arjen Robben.

Surely this summer would be the perfect time for Roy Keane to fulfil his dream of playing for Celtic whilst Giggs, Forlan and Butt could all move on this summer.

Whatever happens there will be a major shake up at Old Trafford in the summer but will Fergie be the man to oversee it?

Jason Walker
16/03/2004

677: Book Review: Steak Diana Ross…

by : Chris Sherrard

Footballers write books with alarming frequency these days. They tell ‘their side’ or of ‘their life so far’ in an attempt to bolster their already bulging bank accounts and egos. But football is supposed to be a game of the people. It is supposed to be about more than Adidas endorsements and living secluded lives far from the real world. In my search for honesty, I have studied the words of many star names. But it is often the less well-known men who provide you with answers.

And so it was that someone by the name of David McVay pulled on the black-and-white stripes of Notts County and lined up against opponents ranging from Manchester United to Kettering Town over the course of a non-spectacular 1974-75 Division Two season. That he kept a diary of his and the team’s challenges and tribulations is something for which we should be eternally grateful.

In ‘Steak Diana Ross… Diary of a Football Nobody’, McVay transports us back to a bygone age in football when players, supporters and the local ladies all came together under the roof of one or ten pubs and toasted to derby day draws and victories on the road. An age when professionals would sink ten pints and then drop their mates home in their Cortina. A time when players hopped on the bus to get to training. An era of genitalia swathed in deep-heat, egg-delivery jobs supplementing a footballer’s wages and Norman Hunter buying the drinks in the Elland Road players lounge.

You may not be aware of David McVay’s footballing career. He doesn’t expect you to. Sometimes a defender, sometimes a midfielder, he played where he was needed under the management of wily Scot, Jimmy Sirrel, in a half-decent County side of the mid-70s. He was a teenager then, although he looked older with long-hair and, to the disapproval of his manager, a full grown beard.

His incredibly insightful book recounts the place he held within that squad. From the praise of the local press for a mature performance against Forest in the Trent derby to knocking the mighty Revie-inspired Leeds side out of the Cup in Yorkshire. The journey takes you through cold nights in far-off Halifax and late nights in closer-to-home watering holes. You are laughing all the way. This is not merely an insight into what happens in the world of professional football; it is a tale of growing up. It is a tale of life as a young man, striving for fulfillment and a sense of belonging. It is an honest assessment of the many characters who McVay lived, trained and socialised alongside. It is also a youthful quest for lengthy nights with a pint in your hand and (hopefully) female company at the end.

McVay perfectly captures the spirit of being a player at this time. He draws you into their world, their mind. He takes you with him as he travels the country, from Sunderland to Exeter, in the name of the club. We can feel that we are really there when he is shying away from asking Denis Law for his autograph at the PFA Awards. We are witnesses to the day when Manchester United fans bore down on the home dressing room at the County Ground only for manager Sirrel to fend off the hoards with a hastily snatched bunion scalpel. We are by his side as he sits uncomfortably on an early evening bus after a home match, with his fellow passengers including some who had just witnessed a less than impressive performance on the pitch. It is McVay who brings us this close.

It is becoming hard to find genuinely honest and readable accounts of football. Steak Diana Ross is one which fills the void and warms the heart. It is an articulate, amusing and pleasing book. Tuck in!

Parrswood Press

Steak Diana Ross…Diary of a Football Nobody by David McVay

4/5

Chris Sherrard
13/03/2004

680: PREMIERSHIP: Alex Ferguson wil

by : Antony Melvin

The top clich doing the rounds is that Manchester United have been written off so many times before returning under Alex Ferguson that it would be unwise to do so again. The Sky Sports commentator on Sunday took this to ridiculous lengths, as he refused to write-off a title surge from United despite being 3-1 down and 12 points off the pace only 10 matches from home. The title is gone – I don’t think that that really represents tempting fate, just an acceptance of an imperious Arsenal side.

The second clich is that United have only become poor this season after Rio Ferdinand started his eight month ban. This is only partly true. It is clear that Rio Ferdinand’s stock has risen whilst he’s been in the pavilion, to such an extent that he will walk back into the England side if his ban is reduced sufficiently.

United have conceded more goals than every other team in the Premiership since Ferdinand stepped into the stand. But his ban coincided with injuries and suspensions to the entire Manchester United defence. Wes Brown is out-of-sorts and under any other situation would be eased back using a series of substitute appearances, Silvestre has been missing, as has Gary Neville, and Quinton Fortune is out for the season. Only John O’Shea has been regularly available and that in his difficult follow-up-to-breaking-through season. The squad wasn’t strong enough to cope with these issues, perhaps a stronger assistant manager would have forced through a transfer or two that would have stopped these defensive problem in January before they ran out of control in March.

The final clich is that this is a blip on the road to a resurgent United side. This is where there must be doubts. What if last season was the blip? Arsenal have been consistently the best side in English football for 3 seasons, but last seasons injuries and suspensions damaged their confidence in the run-in. Vieira was missing or unfit for the last three months, Sol Campbell celebrated in Cardiff in his suit, Pires and Ljungberg were still not fully recovered from career threatening injuries, not to mention the goalkeeping situation. It seemed that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong for the gunners last season.

This season there have been no major injury or suspension worries at Arsenal, so despite the vast sums of money thrown at the Chelsea side, and the rejigged United line-up Arsenal have simply proven that they have the best first team – if not the biggest or best squad.

So the more difficult to assess question is whether Ferguson has lost his way, three seasons and the only success to date has been a title success achieved when Arsenal impersonated Devon Loch.

However suggesting Ferguson is finished is ridiculous. As only Alex Ferguson will make that decision, and he will do it at a time of his choosing – probably when least expected. But if he feels that he is no longer able to motivate and cajole his players into repeated success he will jump rather than be pushed.

Ferguson is not used to mediocrity and ruthlessly roots it out at United, but he is getting older and he needs an assistant that can help him push the team forward. He can’t do this job on his own and if the right assistant isn’t available in the summer he may decide that he won’t tarnish his reputation by overseeing the decline of the club he rebuilt.

The non-arrival of an assistant may well end the reign of the most successful club manager of his generation.

Antony Melvin
16/03/2004

678: PREMIERSHIP: Kirkland breaks o

by : Chris Laker

The news that part-time Liverpool goalkeeper Chris Kirkland has somehow broken yet another part of his body, proves that he has now officially taken over from Darren Anderton as football’s ‘Sicknote‘.

Kirkland must either be the world’s clumsiest man, or the unluckiest. Just a few weeks ago he returned to the revolving door that is Liverpool’s first choice goalkeeping slot, after a lengthy spell out with a broken finger. However, the former Coventry man is now expected to miss up to six weeks of action while he reacquaints himself with the treatment table, after breaking his wrist in training.

The giant keeper’s Liverpool career has been plagued by injuries. After signing from Coventry for £6 million, he missed an entire season due to a serious knee injury. He returned to oust Jerzy Dudek, but quickly found himself back on the sidelines for two months with his finger break. Kirkland came back again to regain the number one spot, but injury has reared its ugly head once more on the unfortunate player.

For several years now, Kirkland has been earmarked as a future England goalkeeper, and it is arguable that at his best, he would be an automatic choice for at least a squad place for the European Championships in Portugal this coming summer. But just what is Kirkland’s best? Sven Goran Eriksson and Tord Grip cannot have seen much of this during yet another stop-start season following his move to Merseyside.

It’s as if the young shotstopper is working shifts at Gerard Houllier‘s club. He makes around five appearances, misses a couple of months, and then comes back just in time for the last five games of a season. At the moment you could be forgiven for thinking that there’s more chance of Kirkland signing up as a fully-fledged NHS patient, than there ever is of him stringing a run of matches together.

So should Sven take the risk? Well, squads for major championships usually consist of three goalkeepers, so in this respect then yes, if Kirkland is considered fit enough, then he should be in. However, if his current penchant for injury continues, is it worth the Swede gambling on him, bearing in mind he may have to send for a replacement as soon as the keeper steps off the plane?

Barring injuries or a dramatic loss of faith by Eriksson, David James will start as first choice for the opening match with holders France. The candidates after that are interesting to say the least. Paul Robinson has not exactly stood out in a struggling Leeds United side despite the potential he showed a couple of seasons ago, while Leicester City’s Ian Walker has been in and out of squads more times than one of his team-mates has been in a Spanish jail, and his form has been erratic at times during this campaign. It could be said that had David Seaman not finally decided to take leave of the sport, he himself might still be in the frame. One possible outsider currently on the top of his game could be Robert Green of Norwich City. In times where the Premiership features a dearth of English goalkeeping talent, maybe Eriksson will look to the First Division.

Green is another of the young, gifted and up-and-coming breed of goalkeepers who has been tipped for international honours. With the Canaries currently looking a good bet to reach the Premiership, next season should put him firmly in the spotlight and he may well figure in one of Sven’s post-Euro Championship squads.

A bright note for the luckless Kirkland is that goalkeepers have a proven history of playing on well into their 30s and these lengthy lay-offs in his early years could benefit him later. But his career may now hinge on whether he can enjoy a relatively injury-free campaign next term, or how much patience Houllier has. Either way, with a large majority of observers still unconvinced by James’ international credentials, the goalkeeping position is there for the taking.

The worry is that if Kirkland did get fit and indeed stay fit, then the mere shock of seeing his name in the Euro 2004 squad may cause him to jump up off his sofa and break an arm in celebration.

Chris Laker
14/03/2004

679: SCOTTISH FOOTBALL: You're Shir

by : David Hulott

Every team goes through a sticky patch of form at some time, just look at Manchester United of late, but East Stirlingshire are really testing their fans patience with their little dodgy spell.

Last season didn’t go particularly well, with the club mustering a mere 13-points in finishing 15-points adrift at the foot of the Scottish 3rd Division. The stats were less than impressive, with just two wins from 36-games and 105-goals conceded in the process. Still, at least things couldn’t get any worse. Well, that seemed to be a reasonable enough assumption anyway.

However, this season has surpassed even that of last term, with East Stirling very much the punter’s friend if looking for a banker for the fixed odds coupon. To date, they have mustered just five points from 27-games, comprising of one win, a couple of draws and 24 defeats. Already, an alarming 92-goals have been conceded with nine games of the season still remaining. The 6:0 defeat to table-topping Stirling Albion on Saturday was their 16th in succession, dating back to November 1 when Elgin City (comfortably the next worst team in the division) somehow contrived to lose 3:1 at Firs Park (their only home win since April 2002).

Such was the shock at actually winning that game, that manager Steve Morrison was inundated with text messages on his mobile phone congratulating him afterwards. After the win, Morrison said, “Just because we have got one win, we cannot stop at that. We must do what all the other clubs do – go on and win some games, draw some and lose some”. Well, they didn’t let him down on the latter point at least, with Morrison resigning after the 5:1 defeat at Albion Rovers in the week.

The reasons he gave for his resignation does little to suggest that any improvement at the club will be imminent, having said, "I had heard that some things were being said by the chairman and he was questioning my integrity. I admit the results were terrible, but I have always given 100%." Assistant Alex Cleland had already left to join the coaching team at Partick Thistle in January, leaving the team somewhat rudderless.

It’s perhaps slightly worrying that Morrison was previously in charge of Clydebank, a club that no longer exists, and who went on a similar dire run of form during his time there. He took the job at Firs Park when former manager Danny Diver quit the club in March 2003 to focus on his day job, having come under fire from faithful few for missing a game through work commitments – it looks like he got his priorities right.

Naturally enough, money is desperately short at the club (players are offered just £10 per week!) and the fans have long been calling for the departure of owner and chairman Alan Mackin. Unless someone can convince Roman Abramovich that the Shire will make an ideal nursery club for Chelsea, there seems little hope of any real improvement in terms of the financial position for the foreseeable future.

There haven’t even been any cup exploits to take their minds off their league woes this season either, with first round exits in the CIS Insurance Cup (2:1 at home to Ross County), the Scottish League Challenge Cup (5:2 at home to Raith Rovers) and the Tennents Scottish Cup (5:0 at home to Cowdenbeath). No chance of a glamour tie with one of the Old Firm to bolster the club coffers.

Back in January, the team came tantalisingly close to pulling off a major shock against Stirling, when a 2:0 lead (both goals coming from the Derek Ure) was tossed away late on. Things started to go wrong when midfielder Brian Mulholland received a red card with 20-minutes to go. With 13-minutes remaining, Doug Wilson pulled one back for the visitors, but a morale boosting home win was still on the cards with just two minutes remaining. However, two goals in a minute gave Stirling the lead, Craig Reid was red carded for a foul and Graham McLaren swiftly joined him after tempers frayed and, just to top it all off, Scott Livingstone scored an own goal to make it 4:2. Three goals conceded and two red cards over the space of two minutes must equate to some sort of record surely?

The Shire’s one bright note this season has been the form of aforementioned 20-year old striker Ure, who has managed to score eight goals in a desperately poor team. I’m sure he must be able to find a day job to keep him otherwise engaged – he can’t need the ten quid that much.

David Hulott
13/03/2004

676: PREMIERSHIP: Arsenal - the new

by : David Hulott

Although it’s been said many times before over the past decade or so, it really does seem as though Manchester United’s era of dominance in English football could now be coming to an end. For all the Red Devils problems, both on and off the pitch, this season (does anyone see any potential whatsoever in Wes Brown or David Bellion?), the current dip in United’s standing is at least partly as a result of the emergence of Arsenal as a team of the highest order.

After losing their grasp on the title last season, credit has to be lavished upon an Arsenal side that have seized the opportunity to assert themselves as top dogs in the Premiership this season. There is an apparent steely determination at Highbury this season to ensure that there are none of the slip-ups that proved so costly last term, with a noticeable resilience throughout the team.

Back in the summer I was a little fearful for the Gunners’ championship hopes this season. The squad still looked woefully lacking in depth, with the defence looking especially fragile given the advancing years of Martin Keown and the lack of a natural right-back. Coupled with a seeming over-reliance on the formidable Thierry Henry for goals and the leadership qualities of Patrick Vieira, I couldn’t see any improvement on last season’s runners-up spot. How wrong I was to doubt Arsene Wenger!

It’s difficult to envisage how the season could have gone any better, with the team powering to the title and still unbeaten in the Premiership as we edge towards Easter. They also look to have finally discovered how to compete in the Champions League, while even a hybrid reserve/youth team made it as far as the semi-finals of the Carling Cup, with the likes of Gael Clichy, Jeremie Aliadiere and David Bentley doing more than enough to suggest that they are all capable of having a major part to play in the club’s future (attempts to forge a partnership with Willem II in Holland, to add to that already in existence with Beveren in Belgium, can only help in the further development of young talent). The surprise transfer window signing of Jose Antonio Reyes was an added bonus, especially given doubts over the futures of Dennis Bergkamp, Sylvain Wiltord, Francis Jeffers and Kanu. To top it all off, they’ve also secured the readies required to fund the development of their new stadium at Ashburton Grove, which should be ready for the start of the 2006/07 season.

The confirmation of the new stadium was particularly important, since it should enable them to go forward and compete on a relatively level financial footing with the biggest clubs in Europe in the years ahead. It also looks to have ensured that Wenger, Henry, Vieira and co. will all commit their long-term futures to the Gunners.

Wenger, for all his myopia when it comes to his team’s indiscretions on the pitch, deserves huge credit for assembling a squad that possess an abundance of talents. There is no other team in English football within touching distance when it comes to the ability to play with such pace and movement. No other side play with the variation, technique and imagination of the Gunners. No one can match the work-rate and their capacity to retain the ball. We are witnessing something very special.

Although, like all managers, Wenger has made the occasional transfer clanger (the performances of his “Fox in the box”, Jeffers, having probably turned the French maestro pro-hunting), his gift for signing players and then re-inventing them in new positions is without equal (Henry, Kolo Toure, Lauren). Whereas the majority of managers sign a player to fill a specific gap in their team, Wenger’s priority seems to be in signing footballers capable of being moulded into playing wherever he deems fit.

If the Gunners are to go down in history as one of the truly great teams, it’s true that they need to establish themselves as a significant force in European football and to win trophies on a regular basis over the course of the next few seasons. There seems little to doubt that the current set-up is capable of doing just that.

David Hulott
13/03/2004

675: ENGLAND: Will United and Arsen

by : Alec Peachey

Pulling on your own countries shirt to represent them in any field is by many classed as one of the greatest achievements you can ever make. However it seems that over recent years many football club managers have made a mockery of the importance of their players representing their respective countries. This has in turn caused many arguments (usually through the press) between international and club managers.

One of the first high profile cases that spring’s to mind is that of Sven Goran Erikkson, England manager vs Alex Ferguson, Manchester United manager. Over the last couple of years they have had many ding dongs over the timing of friendlies, and the releasing of important players due to concern over injuries, burn out etc. Although there are arguments which favour both sides it seems a shame that playing for your country is not seen as the be all and end all anymore.

When you look back at past players who have pulled on the three lions for England like Stuart Pearce, Paul Ince, Ian Wright etc you could tell it meant so much to them during their playing careers. When Stuart Pearce slotted home that penalty in Euro 96 to avenge for his miss in World Cup Italia 90 all his passion came pouring out and it was clear to anyone how proud he was to play for his county.

Over recent times it could be argued that players have sometimes not given it there all when playing for their country. Although this would never happen in a tournament it happens when again those dreaded friendlies are taking place. This is because players tend to have their mind on the next game they are playing for their respective club and will often look towards that rather than the initial job in hand. There are of course exceptions to this rule when you look at players like David Beckham our inspirational captain who always gives his all no matter what the status of any game is.

Another recent example of club vs country was with Freddie Kanoute the Tottenham striker. His manager David Pleat clearly did not want him to represent Mali in the African Nations Cup out in Tunisia because he had been in such prolific scoring form before the start of it. Also added was the fact that Kanoute had previously represented France at under-21 level. However because he felt he would never get the call up for the full squad he decided to play for Mali. This didn’t prove to be the wisest move in Mr Pleat’s eyes as he initially thought he was deserting the club at a time when they really needed him especially as there was no original indication that he wanted to go off and play for Mali. Kanoute got his way and scored a few goals in the tournament. Unfortunately for him while he was gone Tottenham signed Jermain Defoe and he has since struck up a pretty lethal partnership with Robbie Keane. Perhaps holding his place down in the Spurs first 11 may not seem as easy as Kanoute might have first imagined.

England’s last friendly before the squad for Euro 2004 is finalised is against Sweden on Wednesday March 31st this is bang in between two vital fixtures both concerning Manchester United and Arsenal who play each other on the Saturday before and the weekend after this fixture in the league and FA Cup respectively. Yet again it seems that club football will be seen as more important than a last chance for players to concrete and prove their place in the all important squad for Portugal.

Alec Peachey
14/03/2004

674: Harry Flatcap and I'm a footba

by : Steve Heald

The crowd become more vociferous after this early scare, with the Midlands fans paying homage to one of their finest bands of all time, Duran Duran. To the tune of their hit song 'Rio' they sing;

"Oh Rio, Rio couldn't play cos he was banned"

"Oh Rio, Rio still picked up his fifty grand!"

McCaffrey: What an atmosphere, Kammy.

Kamara: Unbelievable Jeff, I mean Rob.

After half an hour of pushing, shoving and generally being quite girlie, the North West are rocked when they go a goal behind. A long, hopeful ball upfield by Kenny Cunningham causes yet more panic for Stephane Henchoz. He stumbles in front of Tim Howard. The two collide and Mikael Forssell is left with the simple tak of rolling the ball into the empty net. Howard meets his Swiss defender with a barrage of verbal abuse and colourful language. Henchoz hangs his head and begins another bout of involuntary spitting.

Kamara: Well Tim Howard is absolutely mad with rage, Rob. He's tearing a strip off Stephane Henchoz and no wonder. That goal was absolutely farcical. Not something you expect to happen defensively to a Gerard Houllier team, that's for sure.

McCaffrey: Isn't it?

Kamara: Er, no. Anyway the big Swiss defender has just spat in the general direction of the former United goalie and this could get really nasty Rob. Really nasty.

Before they have a chance to come to blows, Roy Keane steps between them. Though he is now in his 50's, Keane has lost none of that legendary will to win, and that equally legendary habit of getting into scrapes that don't really concern him and never end in real violence anyway.

Frankly, it is a dull game. The North West, despite being a goal down are sticking doggedly to their defensive formation, refusing to leak a second goal. With ten minutes to go, Houllier is finally forced to introduce an attacking option. Wayne Rooney is brought on to replace Michael Owen who has spent much of his time receiving the ball from his defenders in the centre circle. Rooney's impact is immediate and devastating. With his first touch he waltzes past three Midland defenders and wallops a rocket-like shot into the top corner. Maik Taylor thinks about moving but then hears the sound of a rippling net and decides against it.

Kamara: OOOOOHHHHHHHH! WAYNE ROONEY! DID YOU SEE THAT ROB? YOU DARE NOT SHOOT FROM THERE! UNBELIEVABLE ROB! UNBELIEVABLE!

McCaffrey: Terrific stuff, Kammy, terrific stuff.

After Rooney's intervention there are two more similar attempts. Unfortunately on both occasions Rooney succeeds only in denting the woodwork with his rasping pile drivers. Maik Taylor is still looking for the first one as the third one smacks against his crossbar, causing a very real risk to his health should the goal actually fall down on top of him. It wobbles dramatically before coming to rest in its original place. As the whistle goes and the game ends 1-1, Rob McCaffrey races down to the touchline to interview the two managers.

McCaffrey: With me are the two managers Gerard Houllier and David O'Leary. Gerard, happy with a draw in the first game.

Houllier: Not really. I think we were very unlucky. We played some fantastic football, I think. Some of the best football since the Brazil side of the 1970 World Cup. I think with a bit more luck and a few refereeing decisions going our way we could have won by about 27 goals, non?

McCaffrey: Er, non. And David, what did you make of your team's performance.

O'Leary: Well, you know, they're a young side. The average age is only 51. You know? They'll get better with a bit more experience. And I'm still learning aswell don't forget. I have only been a manager for 25 years. You can't expect miracles. You have to build great sides, I think, but we're getting there.

McCaffrey: There you have it then, a fascinating 1-1 draw to open this star-studded tournament. The final score then, North West 1 Midlands 1. Back to you, Richard.

Keys: (Lets out a slightly amused snort and a shake of the head as if to say 'this game never ceases to amaze me') Well, what an action packed game that was. Two goals, defensive mistakes, arguments, shots cannoning off the woodwork, it had it all. That's all for this week then but remember, coming up next week we have another mouth-watering clash between the South and the North East. Don't you dare miss it.

Credits roll. Clips of Michael Owen, Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Darius Vassell and Juan Pablo Angel rattling in goals in their Premiership heyday are accompanied by 'The Way We Were' on the soundtrack.

Stephen Orford
11/03/2004
You b*****ds! You miserable bunch of no-good no-hopers! I can’t believe it – Me, Harry Flatcap, evicted from I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

However, as I’m professionally bound (and paid) to report exclusively to SquareFootball on all the events and behind the scenes news I won’t dwell on the matter, preferring merely to report the gossips and goings on at the most eagerly anticipated reality TV show where every contestant furiously chews gum and talks inanely to men with sheepskin jackets carrying microphones.

Microphones…a career in the media…the new Wogan…the new Alan Whicker…travelling around the world and undertaking all manner of interesting assignments…such as talking to whoever Jason Ferguson is stalking somewhere in some far flung corner of the globe…Des and Mel would have been Harry and Mel…I would have been the new Jimmy Greaves with my football background, witty repartee, and gentle banter about Scottish goalies…It’s all ruined now though isn’t it?

Who will remember Harry Flatcap, the man who came 4th in a dim-witted reality TV show. It’s back to football management for yours truly, eking out a living at some miserable debt-entwined club until the chairman tires of me, or leaves me to the administrators, or both. Is this my future? Is this what I have to look forward to?

Anyway, as you are probably aware, Harry Flatcap was this weeks unlucky evictee on the top show all of football is talking about (when it has finished talking about Ferdinand, Leeds United, Magnier/Ferguson, which footballers are facing prison this week, how rubbish are Liverpool, and can you believe Middlesborough have actually won a trophy). The reasons given to me by straw polls conducted amongst the voters was that I had ‘become boring’.

Whaaaat? Trevor Francis survives and I’m supposed to be boring?
Bobby Robson gently snores his way through half the day and he’s livelier than me? And get Graham Taylor, Mr. Charisma, holding down his place in the last three. God help this country if he becomes a TV personality!

It would appear after I came close to being voted off for being too nasty last week that the viewers didn’t like my overly nice manner in an attempt to stem the tide of hatred swimming around me. Looks like I went too far – People don’t like a creepy nice guy either it would appear. And yet I thought I supplied a fair bit of humour during the week by volunteering single handedly to carry out our latest task, create a new blanket for Bobby as his regular one had gained big holes (I knew about this as it was me in nasty guise that cut the blanket in the first place).

I decided the monkeys in the nearby trees looked fair game so I decided to try get me a few to skin. I must point out that no monkeys were actually harmed during the filming of that scene, as they all decided to gang up on me and give me a good seeing to. Great television though, I thought it would stand me in good stead with this weeks voters. However not only did I get the boring vote, apparently all the animal lovers were incensed that I even had the temerity to attempt to skin a monkey, so that was their vote down the
swanney, despite the fact the little sods nearly skinned me.

So I left the jungle enclosure black and blue, the monkeys waving white handkerchiefs at me as I departed.

But fear not I’m a celebrity…/Flatcap followers, I’m still around reporting progress on the final weeks of the show, where I’ll exclusively reveal in a fortnight who is the football manager king of the jungle.

All the best until next week.

Regards

Harry.

PS – If any TV producers are interested in booking me to appear on any chat shows reliving the whole experience and what it was like to be mauled in the jungle by a pack of animals more fearsome than Arsenal at full time at Old Trafford I am available. Book publishers, I’m also keen to write down the whole experience for publishing. You know where I am….

Steve Heald
01/03/2004

673: Masters 2024, #2

by : Stephen Orford

Ring announcer: Introducing first is the host, fighting out of the specially prepared black and white corner, weighing in at a hefty 16 stone, and standing tall at 5ft 9, it’s the one and the only Sir Bobbbbbbbbyyyyyyy ‘The Legggeeeennd’ Robbbbbbsssoonnn.
The crowd go ecstatic.
Ring announcer: And to as a special treat we have two boys here tonight to lead Sir Bobby to ringside, please give it up for the kings of light entertainment, Ant & Dec!
Cowell: Oh no!
Simon Cowell holds his head in his hands as Ant n Dec burst through the ring curtain singing and dancing to their biggest hit ‘Let’s Get Ready To Rumble’, making their way to the ring.
Andy: This is awesome. I love this song.
Cowell: Really? I find it quite childish. There’s no feeling, emotion, or hint of a tune.
Andy: How can you say that with lyrics like ‘freaking it, sweating it, busting the mic, slamming it, jamming it, do what you like?’ not forgetting the classic line ‘your father, your mother, you’re sister, you’re brother, everyone’s got to be an aka lover’?
Cowell: Well when you put it like that, quite easily really!
Martin: It does mean there is a strong possibility that the Geordie duo will interfere in this matches for those with a bet on.
While Ant n Dec perform in the ring Sir Bobby is slowly making his way down the ramp and into the ring to a heroes welcome from the Newcastle faithful. Ant & Dec finish their performance to a thunderous applause.
Ring announcer: And introducing next is his challenger, fighting out of the red corner, weighing in at a trim 11 stones standing at 5ft 9, and wearing the red home strip of Charlton, it’s the Addicks long serving manager Alllllllllllaaaaaannn ‘Coooollldddddd As Icccceeeeee’ Currrrrrrbbbbissssshhhhhhllllley.
Curbishley strolls out from behind the curtains to the sounds of The Bucketheads ‘The Bomb’ as the St James Park faithful barrack the Londoner, while Ant & Dec make their way to the commentary table.
Martin: More guests?
Andy: I never asked them.
Simon: Well don’t look at me. It turns my stomach working with them on Pop Idol!
Ant & Dec sit down at the table.
Dec: Alright lads, what did you think of that then?
Ant: It was electric performing in front of our home crowd again.
Cowell: To be honest you didn’t really do it for me.
Andy: I thought you were superb. Any chance of a burst of ‘Crazy Cats’ or ‘Stepping Stones’?
Cowell: Oh purlease don’t encourage them!
Martin: I’d love to sit and listen to you squabble like children all day but wor Bobby has hit the ring.
Ant: Oh no, he hasn’t has he? I’ve told him before to splash out some of his money for a pair of specs but will he listen?
Martin: Not literally. I mean he’s in the ring and ready to fight.
Ant: Oh… right. I thought to myself even at his age he could see a big ring like that.
The bell rings and Bobby smacks himself in the coupon.
Andy: What on earth was that?
Martin: Bobby’s just punched himself in the face when the bell rang.
Dec: Why what’s Curbishley doing? … He’s crawling out of the ring … what for?
Alan Curbishley has rolled out of the ring and ran towards the bell keeper. He kicks the bell ringer to the ground and starts ringing the bell furiously.
Martin: Bobby’s killing himself! And look at Curbishley … he’s standing there smiling!
Andy: I know Bobby’s qualified for his free bus pass but when exactly did he lose his marbles?
Cowell: I’d say during that Uefa cup game when he dropped Shearer!
Ant: No, it must have been a few minutes ago … I found these outside the ring.
Ant holds out his hand and reveals a small collection of marbles.
Dec: Well don’t just sit there man … go and give him them back before we have the quickest fight in PMB history.
Ant storms into the ring and places the marbles back into the Toon’s manager pocket and, amazingly, Bobby stops punching his face. Ant pleased with his work races back to his commentary position.
Martin: I didn’t think that was going to work.
Andy: Neither did Curbishley by the looks of things.
Curbishley continues to bang the bell furiously stunned by Bobby’s reaction. He then grabs the bell under his arm, climbs back into the ring, and runs at Robson clattering the steel bell over his head.
Andy: Wow, he nearly took off Bobby’s head with that!
Bobby lies on the floor with blood squirting out of his forehead. Ant & Dec look on stunned as Curbishley beats on their unconscious manager.
Cowell: Well do something then you pair of pounces!
Dec leaps out of his seat and jumps into the ring, pouncing on the back of the Charlton boss. Ant then joins in and starts booting Curbishley in the guts.
Martin: I didn’t think they could punch their way out of a paper bag but this is quite impressive.
Cowell: To be honest, I’ve seen more fight from Audley Harrison!
The Newcastle crowd roar their pleasure as Ant n Dec open up the Addicks boss.
Martin: What an action packed brawl we’ve had so far and if you’re thinking that Bobby is out for the count then you’ll be sadly mistaken as the old timer is moving and using the ropes to get back to his feet.
Andy: Oh but for how much longer? Looks who’s making his way down the ramp?
The Geordie faithful heckle the 80’s comedian as he dashes to ringside.
Martin: Jim Davidson! What is he doing here?
Cowell: Oh come off it Martin, I thought you were stacked up with stats. He’s a Charlton supporter. Obviously he’s had enough of this two on one attack.
Andy: So it’s now turned into a battle of the entertainers too.
Cowell: You’re using that term quite lightly!
Davidson storms into the ring like a tornado and throws Ant & Dec off of Alan Curbishley, knocking them both out cold as they smack there heads against the corner belts. Jim tries to get Curbs up to his feet but the Charlton man is also out of it.
Andy: Experience obviously pays off as the two elderly statesmen in the ring are still standing.
Davidson sees Bobby on his feet and charges him through the ropes and on to the concrete below.
Martin: Wow … what a spear by Davidson … and then there was one!
Suddenly all the lights go dim and one big spotlight shines on Jim Davidson and somebody throws him a microphone.
Davidson: Oh right, well as I have the floor I might as well tell you a few jokes…
The home crowd begin jeering as Davidson rolls into his stand up routine.
Cowell: I’m not having this … this is a family show.
Simon Cowell throws off his headset and jumps into the ring.
Andy: He’s a bit of a weird one isn’t he? He doesn’t mind when there’s a bit of blood and gore but as soon as somebody hints at a bit of profanity he goes ballistic.
Martin: I don’t think it’s that, I think he’s like 99% of the British population who hate Jim Davidson!
Cowell grabs the Cockney by the back of the neck and drags his head along the top rope, burning his forehead.
Andy: That’s going to leave a nice mark.
Cowell keeps up his momentum and throws him into the turnbuckle before running into him like a speed train. Davidson’s tongue is hanging out which is like a red rag to a bull to Simon Cowell as he grabs hold of it with both hands.
Martin: Oh my gawd! Cowell is trying to rip Jim Davidson’s tongue out. This is horrific!
Andy: Horrific? Terrific you mean. No more Jim Davidson… Heaven!
Cowell finally yanks as hard as he can and whips out Davidson’s tongue, blood pours everywhere.
Martin: Eurgh, I think I’m going to spew.
Cowell holds up the blood-covered tongue like a trophy and the Newcastle fans cheer wildly.
Martin: Do you know what, this is all well and good, ridding the world of Jim Davidson and that, but I came here to see Alan Curbishley fight Bobby Robson. Where are they?
Andy: I’m not sure. I haven’t seen them in a while.
The camera turns its attention from Cowell on to searching around the arena looking for Bobby and Alan.
Andy: There’s Bobby! … But way is he talking to Chris Kamara?
Kamara: Alright there lads I’ve just been talking to Bobby and he seems quite sharp considering his age and the beating he’s taken so far in this brawl.
Martin: Really? What’s he been saying then?
Kamara: Well he’s been talking to me about how things have changed in football since he started out. Claiming that when he was a boy he did everything he could to avoid a roasting but now he’s amazed by the amount of players who love a roasting on a weekly basis. He believes that the players today lack discipline and respect and should take a leaf out of Alan Shearer’s book.
Simon Cowell sits back down at the commentary table and shakes his head in disgust at what he’s heard.
Cowell: What, promote a fast food chain turning our youngsters into big bloaters? Great example!
Martin: I don’t know who’s worse, Bobby or Kamara? Bobby I can forgive for his age but you Chris Kamara, you have no excuse. Cut him off!
Suddenly out of nowhere a blood soaked Curbishley tries to jump Robson from behind but an astute Bobby bends down and ties up his shoelace, leaving Kamara wide open for an attack by Curbishley.
Andy: Wahey Kamara’s down!
Martin: It looks like Curbishley has taken the brunt of it though. He may have broken his leg.
A huge bone is seen sticking out of Alan Curbishley’s leg and blood gushing out of the wound.
Cowell: Whoops, I think I’m going … to … faint.
With that Simon Cowell faints in his chair.
Andy: Oh well nevermind, he was starting to get on my nerves anyway.
Bobby gets up and sees Curbishley lying on the floor with the bone sticking out of his leg.
Bobby: Oh you ya thief. Give us that back. That’s my dogs’.
Martin: Oh no, he’s gone completely doolally now. He thinks Alan’s fibula is his dogs’ bone!
Bobby starts tugging at the extruding bone as Alan Curbishley screams in total agony.
Bobby: Just let go and it won’t hurt any more.
Curbishley: Bobby you old fool, that’s my leg! Get off!
Bobby then whistles up the ramp and a huge rottweiler pounds down the ramp. Smelling the blood it races towards Bobby and begins yanking at Curbishley’s leg.
Curbishley: Ah, no, no, no, get off … GET OFF!
Andy: This is absolutely sickening.
Martin: Yeah but where else can people see such horrific sights without having to watch Luke Chadwick?
Andy: Umm good point!
The rottweiler rips out Alan’s fibula forcing him to collapse with the sheer agony. Bobby then takes the bone out of the dogs’ mouth and whacks Curbishley repeatedly over the head as the dog tucks into the open wounds of the Charlton boss.
Martin: Ring the bell. This one’s over.
Bobby then strolls back into the ring where he is joined by Ant & Dec who have just managed to come round following their attack by Jim Davidson and end off the show with another rendition of their hit single ‘Let’s Get Ready To Rumble’.
Andy: So experience and age has prevailed in this Premiership Managers Brawl and Bobby Robson has thrown his name into the quarterfinal draw alongside the likes of Wenger, Ferguson and Bruce.
Martin: Next week sees the final brawl of this the first round and we finally see the long awaited debut of Chelsea’s Claudio Raneri who battles the youngest manager in the Premiership today Chris Coleman of Fulham. Both of them have had to fight against adversity. Claudio with the constant speculation surrounding his position at Stamford Bridge and Coleman with the consequences of that devastating car crash and scepticism over his managerial credentials.
Andy: It has all the makings of an awesome contest.
Martin: Make sure you’re with us in two weeks time to find out who will grab that final place in the quarterfinal. You never know, old Pop Idol Simon Cowell may be with us again.
Andy: Yeah if we can get him to come round!
Martin: Until then fight fans … keep it real.

Colin Illingworth
12/03/2004The year is 2024. As ratings slump to an all-time low Sky Sports decide to revive the Masters Football tournament which enjoyed brief success at the turn of the century. Four regional teams representing the North West, the North East, the Midlands and the South are set to do battle in a round-robin tournament, with the top two contesting a grand final. In this, the first game of the tournament, the North West take on the Midlands.

An incredibly hairy man who used to present breakfast television and the odd football game on a Sunday sits in a television studio. The light goes on. He's live. Ever the professional, Richard Keys begins another faultless link to yet more live top level sport on Sky.

Keys: And so now it is over to our match commentators for this fascinating encounter, remember we're live and interactive here on Sky Sports, it's Rob McCaffrey and Chris Kamara.

McCaffrey: Thanks very much indeed Richard and all that kind of stuff (bangs microphone three times). Yes, here we are at Old Trafford for the first of what should be a pulsating series of matches here at the Masters 2024. Alongside me as always I've got Kammy, Kammy what are your first impressions of the atmosphere inside Old Trafford today.

Kamara: Absolutely unbelievable Rob. You would not believe the atmosphere in here, fantastic.

McCaffrey: Yes, well, you said that even before any of the fans turned up didn't you? Anyway, today it's the North West, hot favourites for the tournament, squaring up to David O'Leary's Midlands outfit. Take us through the teams.

Kamara: Well, North West manager Gerard Houllier obviously doesn't want to give anything away Rob. He's picked quite a defensive formation for this opening game. There's something of a surprise in goal, with Tim Howard getting the nod ahead of Brad Friedel. Apparently Houllier doesn't rate Friedel too much. Anyway, in front of the big American is a back five featuring Gary Neville, Stephane Henchoz, Mickael Silvestre, Rio Ferdinand and Sami Hyypia. Ahead of him you have a defensive midfield player in Dietmar Hammann who you can expect to just sit in front of that back four and add a bit of protection. Alongside him you've got Roy Keane of course, Steven Gerrard, and Ryan Giggs offering a bit of width.

McCaffrey: Honestly, it amazes me. How long has Hammann been getting away with walking around sideways offering 'protection' to the back four? You would have to question the wisdom of having a 'holding' player when you have got five at the back wouldn't you?

Kamara: This is Gerard Houllier we are talking about, Rob. Up front he's paired Michael Owen with Ruud Van Nistelrooy. Owen is not as quick as he used to be, but those two should still provide a real threat to the Midlands defence.

McCaffrey: And how do they line-up?

Kamara: Well, I tell you, it is absolutely unbelievable Rob (McCaffrey yawns). They have been hit with a late withdrawal. Christophe Dugarry was due to appear but has decided against it at the eleventh hour. That'll be a huge blow to the Midlands side who bring in Clinton Morrison as his replacement. Elsewhere they have Maik Taylor in goal, a fat, sorry flat back four of Delaney, Barry, Cunningham and Upson, the three across midfield are Izzet, Dunn and Koumas, while a three pronged attack is made up of Angel, Vassell and Forsell.

McCaffrey: That's a lot of 'el's' mate.

Both McCaffrey and Kamara burst into fits of laughter at this point, and there is yet more audible tapping going on. An irate producer reminds McCaffrey of how expensive the equipment is and how they do not have the budget that they had in the halcyon days of Premiership football. The laughter stops.

McCaffrey: Let's have a quick look at who is on the bench for these teams today then.

A caption flashes across the screen listing the substitutes for both teams. The North West have Friedel, Rooney, Okocha, Anelka and Saha, while the Midlands have named Sorensen, Irwin, Savage, Crouch and Morrison.

McCaffrey: That North West looks awfully top heavy. Houllier seems to have left himself almost without any defensive options.

Kamara: Well that's right Rob. Absolutely unbelievable. All of his defenders are in the starting line-up and so Gerard will probably be hoping he won't have to make any changes. Wouldn't want to ruin that nice clean scoresheet would he?

McCaffrey: Quite. Well, we're all set for what should be an absolute cracker of a game.

The game kicks off. Almost immediately there is controversy as Roy Keane flies in late on Darius Vassell. The referee has a quiet word, but takes no further action. As Dunn curls the free-kick in toward the North West penalty area there is comic chaos in their defence. Stephane Henchoz falls over, touching the ball with his hand accidentally at least twice. Eventually, Rio Ferdinand calmly mops up the danger. Gary Neville stands around with his arms in the air blaming everyone else for the mishap.

672: Premiership managers brawl: Bo

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Welcome to squarefootball.net for the competition that’s got the entire football world talking, Premiership Managers Brawl. Tonight we have a fight to the death between two of the most respected managers in the Premiership and will youth or experience prevail as Charlton’s Alan Curbishley takes on the living legend that is Sir Bobby Robson. With me in commentary for this potential powder keg brawl as always is the irreplaceable Andy Gray.
Andy Gray: Evening fight fans. This is definitely one for the purists. Both Alan and Bobby strive to play free flowing and attacking football but will their beliefs extend inside the ring or will we be treated to a brutal bloody slugfest? We’ll find out through the course of tonight live here at St James Park.
Martin: Long suffering fans of the programme will be aware of Curbishley’s pedigree in this competition after crucifying Middlesbrough’s Steve McClaren in the qualifying round.
Andy: That was a masterstroke by the Charlton boss making everybody believe that he was stoned. Everybody fell for it … even us.
Martin: Yeah but lets face it you fell for that transsexual Miriam!
Andy: She’s a good-looking woman.
Martin: It’s a man you imbecile!!!
Andy: Whatever … you would, I know you would.
Martin: Anyway, as Curbishley proved in his last scrap, anything goes in PMB, and I wonder what we can expect to see tonight.
Andy: I can tell you something that we are going to see… a special guest commentator!
Martin: You what? Tell me more.
Andy: Well he’s the man responsible for giving us stars, and I use that term lightly, Gareth Gates, Will Young, Darius and Michelle McManus, it’s the man we hate more than Andy D’Urso ….
Martin: Don’t get too carried away.
Andy: It’s Pop Idol’s Simon Cowell!
The sell out Geordie crowd boo in unison as the man who wears his trousers just under his armpits makes his way down to ringside.
Martin: Why it sounds as if this Geordie crowd have seen a Mackem!
Andy: To be honest I think Mick McCarthy would probably get a warmer reception than this.
Martin: I told you just a minute ago not to get too carried away!
Simon Cowell sits down at the commentary table, pulls up his trousers a bit more, puts his headphones on, and sits down beside Andy Gray.
Cowell: Evening lads.
Andy and Martin: Evening Simon.
Andy: It’s great to have you here.
Cowell: Well I’ve been a big fan of this competition since the show began but I think it would benefit from an experienced professional in commentating.
Martin: We already have that in Andy.
Simon and Martin look at Andy gargling some water grinning like a big goon.
Martin: OK I see my mistake. Welcome aboard. So what did you think of your reception by this sell out crowd?
Cowell: Two out of ten! I’ve heard a lot worse. When I went to Sunderland their fans gave me stacks!
The home crowd turn up the volume as Simon praises the Toon’s biggest rivals.
Andy: Well time is pressing on so before we get proceedings underway we’re going to take a look at the latest betting odds. Surprisingly the bookies have Charlton’s Alan Curbishley as red-hot favourite at 1/5 and Robson at a cool 4/1. However as always the best bets are the special selections on offer from your friendly bookie and these are the pick of the bunch. At 10/1 you’ll get odds on Scott Parker coming back to reek revenge on his former boss. At 25/1 you’ll get odds on Ant & Dec coming to the aid of Sir Bobby but if you think Jimmy Nail will come to the ring singing ‘Crocodile Shoes’ leading to both Curbishley and Robson killing themselves to escape the unbearable torture you’ll get 50/1!
Cowell: Why they wouldn’t be the only ones if that vagabond Jimmy showed up crooning!
Martin: Well I’ve just got it on good authority that the boys backstage are ready to get it on so let’s head straight into the ring for the all important ring introductions.
Ring announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen. Let’s get ready to rrrrruuuuuummmmbbbbbbbllllllllleeeeeeeeee!!!
The jammed packed St James roar wildly.

671: TRANSFERS: Transfer speculatio

by : James Loose

The transfer window may be well and truly closed, but that hasn’t put pay to the continued squad building at Chelsea. There had been some speculation in Holland through out the season over the future of PSV and Holland starlet Arjen Robben, it was widely accepted that he would leave for England next season, with Manchester United emerging as the favorite to capture the 20-year-old midfielder’s signature. Extensive talks were held between the two clubs earlier in the season, and the move seemed almost inevitable, as Robben had even been given a tour of Old Trafford.

The move surprisingly fell through over the transfer fee, with United reportedly offering as little as £5 million. Despite the already packed midfield at Stamford Bridge Chelsea put forward an offer of around £12 million, and will bring their latest acquisition to England on a five year deal come the end of the season. Although Robben is currently getting over a hamstring injury, he had already looked likely to push his way into Dick Advocaat’s Holland squad for the up coming Euro 2004 Championships.

For the neutral observer it is difficult to see what a player in his position has to gain (aside from money) from this move. He has stated that one of the motives behind his move was his desire to win trophies, and Chelsea being a great club is the best way to do that, but he may have made a mistake by moving to quickly. With the current Ranieri’s current preference for drastic squad rotation the chances are that he will not get the playing time that a player of his age and undoubted skill needs to both be happy, and maintain his place in the national team.

Despite all this he will aid the push for the title next year, and can only benefit from the influence of the more experienced players surrounding him. It remains to be seen whether it will be United or Robben who regrets his move to London most. Away from the leagues richest club (but maybe not for long), Owen Hargreaves has once again restated his desire to play in the Premiership, saying that he has no doubt that he will make the move, it is just a matter of time.

Currently playing in Germany with Bayern Munich it looks likely that the big three of Arsenal, Manchester United and Chelsea will compete for his signature when he leaves potentially at the end of this season. His father played at Bolton Wanderers, and Hargreaves was quoted as saying "I'm sure my family would like to see me at Bolton Wanderers, but whoever it is, the prospect really appeals to me." While this is a prospect that their fans would relish, as he looks to cement his place in the England squad, as well as moving his career forward, only a team playing in regular European competition will have a serious chance of luring him to England.

The final word on transfers has to go to the now all but relegated Leeds. For the moment they have managed to hold on to both Mark Viduka and Alan Smith, with the latter saying that he will only move from his home club if he is forced out, leaving the question mark hanging over the Australian striker. It is hard to see where he will go come the inevitable relegation and subsequent asset stripping of Leeds, with the exceptional attack at the leagues big three, a move to either Liverpool (who are looking for a reliable partner for Owen) or Newcastle (who could be after a replacement for Shearer) could be on the cards, providing that he decides to stay in England.

James Loose
11/03/2004

670: Book review: Prophet Or Traito

by : Tim Heming

The moment that the Hungarian side knocked a deluded England off its footballing pedestal with a crushing 6-3 Wembley victory back on November 25, 1953 is still regarded as one of the defining moments of international football history. The Magic Magyars, including Hidegkuti and Kocsis, and with their the pot-bellied general Ferenc Puskas seemingly choosing the game’s biggest stage to instantaneously invent the drag-back, destroyed Billy Wright’s England with such movement and skill that it finally provided an overdue wake-up call for British football. Of course this was all attributed to continental sophistication, not a 71-year-old coach and long time prophet from Burnley. Norman Fox’s book sets out to put the record straight, telling the story of the man who taught the rest of Europe how to play football, prophesised the events of that murky day in November and so wanted to help teach his beloved country to play… if only they’d have let him.

Prophet Or Traitor? The Jimmy Hogan Story is career journalist Fox’s attempt to give credence to both Hogan’s purist contribution to the way the game developed in the first half of the last century and to bear out that his subject was right to take this approach all along. A staunch religious man, preoccupied with money and fanatical about football until his death at the ripe old age of 91, Hogan’s life story is that of a respected though often rejected football coach. Although a talented inside-half in his own footballing career he was often seen as merely a show-pony, a fancy-dan of an inside right more interested in circus tricks than winning matches. Although he’d have passionately refuted this, Hogan would have no doubt agreed that his philosophy to place the emphasis on skill above strength was alien to the stubborn British culture of the time; after all, his ‘keeping the ball on the carpet’ approach did lead him into providing party-piece technical demonstrations all through his life as he ferried his family circus all across the continent.

Seen on these shores as a tip-tapping eccentric at best, Hogan was much loved on the continent. One of the earliest of many coaches forced to seek a living abroad, Fox’s book alludes that it would be grossly unfair to give the man a traitor tag. If this were true then it was probably only by his own admission, Hogan being fiercely protective of the British footballer, (‘it’s the system that is wrong’) forever claiming that the country produces the best natural talent.

Fox adds substance to his book by introducing the experiences of other influential coaches and players of the time, most far more acclaimed than Hogan, and his research, as illustrated by the bibliography, is thorough and, for a time so far removed from the dazzling lights of today’s Premiership, highly enlightening. That said it is not an easy read; Fox was probably not helped by the fact that Hogan was such an insular dour character and that his tactics and coaching techniques, although revolutionary at the time, are adopted as customary and common place today. The genuine delights arise from light hearted absurdity of England’s own bloody–mindedness, such as Malcolm Allison’s reference to Puskas as he watched the Hungarians warm up prior to the 1953 clash: “I saw the ‘fat guy’ volleying shots into the arms of goalkeeper Grocics from forty yards. They’ve got some skill, you know it could be interesting!”, or the FA’s widely held belief that to ‘starve’ a player of a ball in the week would make him hungrier for it come Saturday.

As far as football philosophy is concerned, Norman Fox is batting very much on Hogan’s side and backs up his purist views by evidence of how the South Americans and continentals have since provided the most technically gifted players, right up to the 2002 World Cup in Japan. He earmarks England’s quarterfinal ineptitude as symptomatic of the early 20th century beliefs. Tenuous perhaps, but it would hard to argue with history.

Parrswood Press

Prophet or Traitor?: The Jimmy Hogan Story by Norman Fox at amazon.co.uk

Rated: 3 / 5
Tim Heming
09/03/2004

669: PREMIERSHIP: Manchester United

by : Stephen Orford

For the first time in eight years Manchester United have suffered the indignity of being removed from the Champions' League before the quarter final stage.

Tuesday night's (March 9) last-gasp loss to Porto has started all manner of pontificating about the state of the Old Trafford club. Many, mostly smug fans of Arsenal if truth be told, are wondering if we are not currently seeing the end of an era for United under Sir Alex Ferguson.

With the Highbury club seemingly over the hills and far away in the race for the Premiership it is hard to argue with those who say that this has been a disappointing season for the Champions. The FA Cup Semi Final against the Gunners now takes on immense significance for Ferguson's men as they desperately scrap to take some silverware home. Failure to progress to the Cardiff final will probably see United fail to pick up a trophy for the first season since........well, since 2002 actually.

And therein lies the point. The obituary of Manchester United under Sir Alex Ferguson has been written more times than I care to remember. It seems that every time his team is knocked out of a major competition alarm bells start ringing. Those keen to see United's demise start rubbing their hands with glee and announcing a desperately premature 'shifting of the balance of power'. Time and time again those alarm bells prove false, and doomsayers are left with egg all over their faces as the global brand that is Manchester United rises from the ashes to slay all before it once more.

Stud-right owning, phlegm-producing football legend Sir Alex has seen it all before. As he awoke this morning (March 10) in the aftermath of Porto's smash and grab raid on Old Trafford he will have spent some time taking stock. I am sure he will be the first to admit that he made some mistakes in his preparation for the current season. The most controversial move of all was the sale of the golden-mulleted David Beckham to Real Madrid. Following him out of the door was Juan Sebatstian Veron, whose experience in European football could have proved valuable this season. However, it is not so much the sales made by Sir Alex Ferguson that have dented their dreams for this year, but the choices he made in replacing these star names.

Players like Eric Djemba-Djemba, Kleberson, Christiano Ronaldo and David Bellion just have not had the impact that their esteemed manager would have hoped for this season. The January addition of Louis Saha was a more successful one, but largely the squad is not packed with the experience and quality of those of its predecessors. It is therefore reasonable to expect Manchester United to figure prominently in the transfer market over the summer. Allowing for the absences of key men like Roy Keane and Rio Ferdinand in the Porto defeat, United have struggled for midfield creativity and defensive stability in recent weeks. Despite this, and despite the growing financial power of Chelsea recently robbing them of the additon of Arjen Robben to their squad, United have the financial muscle to recover from this season's disappointments. Indeed, the funds available in their transfer kitty dwarf those afforded to Arsenal, much of whose money is tied up in the new stadium project.

Ferguson has proved time and time again that he is capable of re-building a supposedly ailing team. When leading lights such as Ince, Kanchelskis, Hughes, Stam, Cantona and Schmeichel left Old Trafford there were scores of people queuing up to predict nothing but misery for the club. Then, he unearthed fresh diamonds like Beckham, Scholes and Solskjaer to ensure another period of rich pickings. He now faces that task again, but it is certainly the sort of task which he relishes even as he enters his 19th year as United boss.

With Rio Ferdinand set to return early next season from his prolongued exile, a couple of more astute signings here and there will see Manchester United in the mix for honours in 2004/05. This is a club that has won eight out of eleven Championships since the Premiership was formed, and it is staggering to hear it being written off in the wake of Arsenal's admittedly awesome form this year.

In all probability Arsenal will walk off with this year's Premiership title by the middle of April. They may even remain undefeated in the league until then, sparking yet more hysteria about their place in history. Arsene Wenger's men are indeed a magnificent footballing machine, but by my reckoning they have around six Premiership titles, one treble, and a couple of FA Cup triumphs to go before they have a dynasty to match that of their great rivals.

Sir Alex, a man already assured of his place in history whether you like him or not, may yet prevent an era of Arsenal dominance.

Stephen Orford
10/03/2004

668: PREMIERSHIP: Could Gerard Houl

by : Antony Melvin

One of the most gifted players of this or any other generation, the Argentine midfielder has long courted controversy. He declined to appear in Carlos Bilardo’s Italia ’90 squad as Argentina prepared to defend their title because he wanted to finish his studies.

Four years later, Redondo did make it to the World Cup, where Argentina, their fallen idol Diego Maradona back to lead them, were expected to mount a serious challenge.

Redondo shone in US ’94, but after Maradona was expelled for failing a drugs test, even the sublimely-gifted playmaker was unable to prevent the two-time world champions from falling at the last sixteen, their 3-2 defeat at the hands of Hagi’s Romania lauded by many as one of the great World Cup games of any era.

On returning from the World Cup, 4 impressive seasons with Tenerife earned him a move to Real Madrid. At the Bernebeau, Redondo was at the heart of the Real revival, as the fallen giants set about first, returning to the top of the domestic tree, not an easy task given that Johan Cruyff’s “Dream Team” had won four back-to-back titles, and then conquering Europe.

In 1998, Real defeated favourites Juventus to take the Champions League, Redondo outplaying and outfighting his Juve counterpart (and future successor at the heart of the Real midfield), Zidane. But by then, though many experts had acknowledged him as perhaps the world’s finest midfielder, Redondo’s international career was in tatters after the new national coach, the disciplinarian Daniel Pasarella ordered him to cut his hair. Redondo told his new coach in no uncertain terms what he could do with the request, and by the time he did get his trim, it was too late. Pasarella was in no mood to forgive.

Two years later, after inspiring and captaining Real to their eighth European Cup win (a UEFA panel voted him the best player of the tournament), Redondo was unceremoniously bundled out of the club by new President Florentino Perez, who deemed the Argentine too influential a figure in the dressing room. On moving to new club Milan, Redondo ruptured his cruciate ligament in his right knee. Complications with the injury kept him out for two full seasons. During this absence, the new signing waived his €4.9m annual salary as a gesture of goodwill to Milan.

The player’s principals have perhaps cost him the acclaim his talents truly deserve, for this was a man who would have out-galacticoed the galacticos amassed by Perez after his departure.

Daniel Ruiz
04/03/2004When the rumours first started circulating about the possibility of Gerard Houllier taking over at Spurs they were not lightly dismissed. In fact Houllier was quoted, in November, in ‘The People’ as saying ‘I am flattered but I have a contract at Liverpool and intend to see it through’. But Liverpool were going through a bad patch including a rash of home defeats at the time. Now they have stabilised – but Houllier’s days still seem numbered.

Once again text messages, purporting to come from Liverpool, are suggesting that Houllier could be on his way to Spurs, to be replaced by Martin O’Neill. Now there may be an element of wishful thinking here, and so much rubbish passes through the ether that it is easily dismissed. But if Houllier were to leave Anfield for London, could he improve Spurs?

Perhaps Houllier, to use a political analogy, is the Neil Kinnock of Liverpool FC, and what Liverpool really need is a Tony Blair. But then again so could Spurs!

What has Gerard Houllier brought to Liverpool that he could successfully transplant into north London?

Firstly there is his network of connections in France and Europe. This has meant he has been able to find young players like Le Tallec and Pongolle, and attract class acts like Cisse. A manager with good contacts could bring in the kind of affordable players that Spurs need. Right now Spurs have a certain amount of money spare – but need to spend it slowly.

Secondly Houllier is an excellent coach. He’s worked with the French national side as well as Liverpool and its not as though he’s taken Liverpool backwards. Quite the contrary he has introduced new ways of looking at injuries, new training regimes, diets, speed training and a whole series of improvements. On the pitch Liverpool have won the UEFA Cup, FA Cup and the League Cup twice – making him the most successful Liverpool manager since Dalglish. He’s done well at Liverpool in less than 6 seasons – but he’s not taken them far enough to placate the Liverpool fans. Would Spurs fans quibble with his success rate?

Thirdly he is a good man manager. How many players have asked for a transfer from Liverpool under Houllier? Not many, and despite the lack of titles he has retained Steven Gerrard and Michael Owen as well as bringing in quality players like Kewell and Hamman. He is clearly able to mollify a multi-national team, and some team bonding is needed after the Hoddle years.

Finally he would bring stability. Houllier is a passionate football man – but given the transfer funds that always come to Spurs managers he would quickly establish the club as a top 6 side. He may not be the man to bring back the glory, glory days but he could be a stepping-stone that would put the club back in the shop window as a major European power.

Gerard Houllier would improve Spurs and rumours that may well have started as a joke could end up putting a big smile across the faces of many Tottenham fans.

Antony Melvin
10/03/2004

667: Mavericks: Fernando Redondo, A

by : Daniel Ruiz

One of the most gifted players of this or any other generation, the Argentine midfielder has long courted controversy. He declined to appear in Carlos Bilardo’s Italia ’90 squad as Argentina prepared to defend their title because he wanted to finish his studies.

Four years later, Redondo did make it to the World Cup, where Argentina, their fallen idol Diego Maradona back to lead them, were expected to mount a serious challenge.

Redondo shone in US ’94, but after Maradona was expelled for failing a drugs test, even the sublimely-gifted playmaker was unable to prevent the two-time world champions from falling at the last sixteen, their 3-2 defeat at the hands of Hagi’s Romania lauded by many as one of the great World Cup games of any era.

On returning from the World Cup, 4 impressive seasons with Tenerife earned him a move to Real Madrid. At the Bernebeau, Redondo was at the heart of the Real revival, as the fallen giants set about first, returning to the top of the domestic tree, not an easy task given that Johan Cruyff’s “Dream Team” had won four back-to-back titles, and then conquering Europe.

In 1998, Real defeated favourites Juventus to take the Champions League, Redondo outplaying and outfighting his Juve counterpart (and future successor at the heart of the Real midfield), Zidane. But by then, though many experts had acknowledged him as perhaps the world’s finest midfielder, Redondo’s international career was in tatters after the new national coach, the disciplinarian Daniel Pasarella ordered him to cut his hair. Redondo told his new coach in no uncertain terms what he could do with the request, and by the time he did get his trim, it was too late. Pasarella was in no mood to forgive.

Two years later, after inspiring and captaining Real to their eighth European Cup win (a UEFA panel voted him the best player of the tournament), Redondo was unceremoniously bundled out of the club by new President Florentino Perez, who deemed the Argentine too influential a figure in the dressing room. On moving to new club Milan, Redondo ruptured his cruciate ligament in his right knee. Complications with the injury kept him out for two full seasons. During this absence, the new signing waived his €4.9m annual salary as a gesture of goodwill to Milan.

The player’s principals have perhaps cost him the acclaim his talents truly deserve, for this was a man who would have out-galacticoed the galacticos amassed by Perez after his departure.

Daniel Ruiz
04/03/2004

666: Book review: Brum's the word b

by : Dave Thrilling

Season 2002-3 brought passion, colour and excitement back to West Midlands football with new arrivals West Bromwich Albion and Birmingham City joining archenemies Aston Villa in top-flight football for the first time in 16 years. This journey is encapsulated in Brum’s The Word, a diary of events, interviews, nostalgia and humour viewed through the eyes of the locals.

Author Malcolm Boyden may be best known to some as the man who starred in pantomime alongside Julian Clary and Frank Bruno. Yet, Boyden should be more recognised as a legend in West Midlands broadcasting. A former sports sub editor on The Daily Star and Sony award winning presenter, Boyden was a stalwart radio broadcaster on BBC West Midlands radio.

Originally published as a weekly series for The Times, Brum’s The Word provides the collection of short stories in one book and also includes responses from readers and some entertaining additions with the value of hindsight.

All three teams get a fair share of the pages as Boyden catches up with current and ex stars in some unfamiliar surroundings such as former European Cup winning captain Dennis Mortimer pictured in a bingo hall. There are also snippets for other Midland supporters with an interview with Walsall fan Pete Waterman and a visit to the family of Wolves legend Steve Bull. Indeed, Waterman offers some hilarious material when questioned on the bid by Ron Atkinson to reach the top of the Christmas Pop charts, suggesting his record label was “tone deaf records”.

Boyden focuses on several aspects of football from the serious to the ridiculous. There is an emotional interview with Jeff Astle’s wife, a piece on the racial taunts experienced by the “Three Degrees” of the great West Brom team of the 70s and a moving insight into the rise of Aliou Cisse to World Cup star despite personal tragedy and tough childhood. On a more light hearted note, the reader will learn about Dion Dublin’s offer of a part in the ballet performance The Nutcracker Sweet, the origination of West Brom’s “Boing-Boing” chant, the match-day superstitions of violinist and Villa fan Nigel Kennedy, the bizarre funeral service on offer to Birmingham City fans who wanted to “show their loyalty and passion in the ultimate way”, and the efforts of some Birmingham fans to get the word Enckleman added to the Oxford English dictionary after that remarkable own goal in the Birmingham derby at St. Andrews.

Some of the responses from The Times readers clearly illustrate that many supporters could relate to the pictures Boyden aims to paint. The fervour and excitement of a unique season is brought to life, not least in the events of the opening day of the season as West Brom and Birmingham quickly realised they were playing amongst the big boys with visits to Old Trafford and Highbury respectively.

Boyden’s writing style is entertaining and easy to read, while the format enables the reader to pick up the book for just a few minutes at a time if needed. It is debatable whether supporters of clubs outside the West Midlands will find as much to enjoy, although Manchester United followers may be interested to hear the views of a Walsall Taxi driver called Phil Neville. Yet, there can be few publications that chronicle the influence of Jeff Astle and Larry Grayson in the same paragraph and also provides the opportunity to read poetry about Robbie Savage by another cabbie.

Boyden wrote Brum’s The Word columns in a cupboard underneath his stairs. As Birmingham and Villa battle for European football, Wolves fight to retain their Premiership status and West Brom look a strong bet to regain it, season 2004-5 may be even more exciting for West Midlands football. Those stairs may soon provide some more inspiration.

Parrswood Press

Brum's the Word at amazon.co.uk

Dave Thrilling
08/03/2004

664: Football turns the knife with

by : Chris Nee

Without being controversial for the sake of being controversial, Tony Blair’s administration has reduced our wonderful, flexible, ever-evolving constitution to a dictionary full of buzzwords. Politics has been dumbed down. These days we are simply fed with buzzword after buzzword while the real issues are overlooked. Education. Focus group. War on terror. All political buzzwords which essentially mean nothing but are sexed up to look important. Ah yes, another political buzzword: sexed up. Unfortunately, football is fast becoming a world of snappy and catchy buzzwords just as politics in Britain deteriorates into a straight competition between a wildly inappropriate Prime Minister and Michael Howard. Difficult choice.

My point here is that much like the reduction of politics, it is possible to put forward a handful of phrases which paint a picture of modern English football, as rules and the game itself evolve. Interpretation, takeover, transfer window, mind games. These words are just a few of the many which could be suggested, and love or hate the way football in this country is changing, they are essentially harmless in terms of English football as a collective.

The damage is being done from a different direction. The dangerous buzzwords in modern football are not showing themselves on the pitch or in our stadia. They are slowly eating away at the underbelly of the game, as it were destroying football from the outside in. Young teenagers and pre-teens are perhaps the most susceptible group to role-model culture and have grown up in Blair’s Magical World of Buzzwords. In talking about football with their friends, they are therefore bound to use these snappy catchphrases in abundance. But it is not the strictly football words which are used. It is the football buzzwords of the underground. The darker side of football is contaminating our youth.

On a recent visit to my local record store, I was amazed by the content of a conversation between two boys, neither could have been older than 14, one wearing a Chelsea shirt and the other wearing the shirt of those local Guildford boys, Manchester Utd. It becomes clear that football is not helping itself when two fans so young manage to include the following words in a conversation which was, believe it or not, centred around the beautiful game: Roasting. Dogging. Gang bang. These children look up to footballers, and this is the new terminology of the game. Many kids see these stars as role models, and above all they are at an impressionable age. I am not concerned that these boys will be heading to their nearest layby to peer through (allegedly) Mr Collymore’s window, because I do not think even a teenager who looks up to footballers is necessarily going to act on what he or she hears. But I am concerned that due to the nature of the public profile of professional footballers, the teenagers of Britain are being exposed to a dark underworld which they should be protected from at their time of life.

When I was fourteen years old, I was not aware of dogging, and to be honest I’m glad that was the case. I do not care what Stanley Victor and the players of Leicester City are or are not doing in their own time, other than a concern for the innocence of those younger than me. Hopefully these teenagers do not hold footballers as role models outside the game. As a growing teenager my biggest heroes were two Aston Villa stars named Dwight Yorke and Mark Bosnich. Looking back, I’m glad they were role models only in terms of the game of football. Thankfully their conduct was never a guideline for me. I just hope other young fans are so lucky, because football could easily become a social problem. It could self-destruct, and it is doing little at the moment to help itself.

Chris Nee
05/03/2004

665: PREMIERSHIP: Blackburn Rovers

by : David Hulott

Along with virtually every other punter in the country, my pre-season Premiership predictions for the current campaign were hugely predictable when it came to forecasting the top six. After all, it doesn’t take any great foresight in tipping the “Big Five” of Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Newcastle United to finish ahead of the mediocrity that make up the bulk of the top-flight. Even so, I had high hopes that one club had the ability to get in among the favourites and might even be able to pinch a 4th place finish and the resultant place in the 2004/05 Champions League.

Blackburn Rovers may have parted company with Damien Duff and David Dunn over the summer, but they looked to have bought sensibly in bringing in the likes of Barry Ferguson, Brett Emerton and Steven Reid to replenish the midfield. Even so, there were a couple of nagging doubts that restricted my faith in Graeme Souness’ squad to quiet confidence, rather than opting to put any hard cash on them. My biggest concern was that, despite the signings of Lorenzo Amoruso, Vratislav Gresko and Markus Babbel, the Rovers defence still looked very suspect and the attack looked over-reliant on the self-motivation of veteran strikers Andy Cole and Dwight Yorke.

The defensive frailties have certainly been much in evidence, with the 44-goals conceded at the time of writing surpassed only by the sides in the bottom three. Quite why Souness hasn’t signed a quality defender or two, especially in the light of Amoruso’s lengthy injury absence, is difficult to comprehend?

Goals have been easier to come by, although Yorke has often looked disinterested (probably secretly seething at Peter Andre’s dalliance with Jordan) and Matt Jansen has never really looked like getting back to the player he was threatening to become prior to the motorcycle accident that left him in a coma for four days 18-months or so ago.

There was a substantial surplus from the summer transfer dealings, but not only did Souness fail to bolster a patently inept defence during the January transfer window (with the exception of recruiting Sunderland cast-off Michael Gray), but Martin Taylor was also allowed to move on to Birmingham City, restricting the options at the back further still.

In fairness, long-term injuries have certainly taken their toll on Blackburn more than any other Premiership side this season, with Amoruso, Ferguson, Reid, David Thompson and James McEveley all sidelined for the much of the time. That only makes the transfer window signings of Gray, Peter Enckelman, Jonathan Stead and Martin Andresen all the more difficult to comprehend. Stead has certainly made an impressive start, scoring in both his opening games in a Blackburn shirt, and looks to have a bright future, but these are hardly the signings of an ambitious club looking to win things.

Attempts were made to sign additional strike power before Stead joined from Huddersfield Town, but moves for Brian McBride, South Korea’s Ahn Jung-Hwan and Tomasz Radzinski all came to nothing. There was interest in Leicester City playmaker Muzzy Izzet that also failed to come to anything, suggesting that attracting players to Ewood Park may be proving increasingly difficult.

It hasn’t helped matters that their home form has been abject this term, with just three wins and a worrying seven defeats from 13-games going a long way to explaining their present predicament. It’s all a far cry from last season, when only three teams came away with maximum points. Cup form has been equally dire, with exits at the first stage of the FA Cup (Birmingham City), Carling Cup (Liverpool) and UEFA Cup (Genclerbirligi).

There is still plenty of reason for optimism, given that any team that can call on players of the calibre of (when fit) Ferguson, Emerton, Tugay, Thompson, Reid, Andresen and Garry Flitcroft in midfield, obviously has the potential to challenge for honours. Young striker Paul Gallagher has also broken through this term while, in recent weeks, Jonathan Douglas has also started to figure in the midfield on a regular basis. The future also looks bright, with an FA Youth Cup semi-final with Aston Villa on the horizon, following the elimination of Manchester United at the quarter-final stage.

On the assumption that relegation is seen off this season, Souness will surely need to invest in at least a couple of defenders (the likes of Phil Jagielka or Daniel van Buyten perhaps?) over the summer, while a reliable 15-goal plus per season striker (Mark Viduka would be an option) would also be a shrewd acquisition given the advancing years of Cole and Yorke. Failure to do so would leave the club looking like prime candidates for the drop next season, even allowing for such a quality midfield at their disposal.

David Hulott
07/03/2004

662: Harry Flatcap and I'm a footba

by : Steve Heald

Hello and welcome to week 4 of I’m a football manager get me out of here with chief contestant and the man with the behind the scenes gossip Harry Flatcap. Remember SquareFootball is your exclusive website for all the news and views relating to the hottest reality TV show featuring the only men in the country who wear garish anoraks with a shirt and tie on underneath.

As you’ll no doubt understand, I’m keeping a low profile this week and attempting not to antagonise you lovely people, the general public, after I nearly came a cropper on the last round of voting off a manager. Sure enough, mentally unstable Kevin Keegan was the man who disappeared from our camp this week, though I think viewers have determined that I was the man who single handed had pushed Kev to the edge of insanity.

It didn’t go un-noticed on the camera positioned inside our tent that I was up to a few cruel stunts with the emotional one. Yes, I admit, that I was the man who kept unbuttoning the tent flap nearest to Kevs head and smearing jam on his pillow, and watched as a herd of ants marched over his face towards their intended grub. Kev would curse, and being the nave guy he was would mutter about someone inexplicably dropping their food on his sleeping quarters, and the irresponsibility of someone leaving the tent flap open.

After cleaning the whole mess up and shooing the ants out Kev would climb back into bed and fall soundly asleep. At this point I’d repeat the process, and Kev would become more and more irritable the longer this went on until he gave up looking angry and would just sit back on his bed hands tucked deep into his managers jacket, collar turned up looking exceptionally perturbed. You only needed Terry McDermott stony faced alongside him and you could almost be back to 1995 watching Newcastle throw their long lead away as Man United went on to win the league.

Lack of sleep certainly made Kev even more unpredictable. He approached a large rhino wallowing in the river and asked Richard Dunne what he was doing here when he should be in Manchester. Kev decided on one occasion that he needed to justify to us his infamous miss in the 1982 world cup that eliminated England from the competition. Why he felt the need right then to redeem himself is uncertain, as was his demonstration, whereby Kev attempted to head a coconut with drastic consequences. The final straw was when he approached a couple of monkeys balancing on his tree shouting to them that he admired their footwork and balance and would they like a trial at City?

Unfortunately for Kev a big ape suddenly appeared beating his fists loudly on his chest and roaring for Kev to desist with this chatter. It would appear that even monkeys in the jungle have agents, and like their human equivalents they strike a hard bargain with a great deal of posturing thrown in.

So Kev had to go, but my sources have advised me how the media have picked up on my manipulation of the situation.

“Hard-faced Harry”

“Vote Flatcap out”

“Harry Who?”

Were some of the cruel tabloid headlines during the week leading up to voting. However the public decided for his own sanity Kev should be allowed to return to a sane and stable working environment, so next weekend you will see him back in hihinatural environment, looking on morbidly as Manchester City stumble from one crisis to the next. See, they never should have sacked me!

To ensure I’m not in the frame for the voting this week I’ve kept a low profile, and made a point of being especially nice to the remaining managers. Which isn’t easy, when you have to share your life with Graham Taylor, Bobby Robson, and Trevor bloody Francis. I have to spend most of my time with Taylor, as Bob and Trev keep disappearing off together, humming ‘mysterious girl’ to one another. Most strange.

So from a very quiet and polite Harry Flatcap, a man attempting to turn around the media tide, I bid you farewell, but hopefully only for one week as I hope to be the top manager in the jungle!

All the best

Harry

--

Steve Heald
25/02/2004

663: The Agitator #8

by : Antony Melvin

MONDAY
As Peter Kenyon gets his feet properly under Ken Bates desk at Chelsea we can expect a plethora of deals, many of them at inflated prices. When you’re the richest team the easiest way to secure deals is to pay the most – and Kenyon can be like a kid in a sweet store. So spend, spend, spend as Viv Nicholson once said.

Meanwhile Porto boss Jose Mourinho has given up on waiting for an apology from Sir Alex Ferguson (Sun) – him and countless hapless hacks. Liverpool boss Gerard Houllier says he is unfazed by Michael Owen’s run of misses (Star) – well as he wants to sell him in the summer he needs to keep the price in the £15m bracket somehow.

TUESDAY
The first signs of discontent at the Bridge. Fully 8 months after signing and despite playing over 20 games Joe Cole is ready to quit because he hasn’t played any full games (Mirror, Sun, Star, Express). This is not unconnected with the £7m (Sun) or £14.3m (Mail) capture of Arjen Robben from PSV. Chelsea doubled Man Uniteds bid – and money talks. PK is back!

Meanwhile in an alternative universe Joe Kinnear insists that Wimbledon could have been as big as Man United simply by moving to Dublin (Express). OK all they would have been short of would be a worldwide fan base, a high quality management team and a century or so of tradition. So no problem. Bolton boss Sam Allardyce thinks that Mike Riley is "a disgrace to English refereeing" (Express) – theres nothing like a graceful loser – and is offering Jay-Jay Okocha £2m a year to stay (Sun).

WEDNESDAY
Roman Abramovich wants to spend £500m to make Chelsea the top team in the land (Express). Well if he wants to spend that kind of money then PK is the right man at the helm. Another Manchester United target is next but is 17-year-old Belgian defender Vincent Kompany really worth £15m (Star)? PK thinks so!
PK is also buying Ajax defender Hatem Trabelsi (Express) another Man United etc. Like the Robben deal he wants to buy a Brazilian (Alcides) and then give him to Ajax, oh and give them Kompany too, pay for Trabelsi and then get Alcides and Kompany back later (Express). Is it me or does this smack of a James Bond plot? PK is making the first move to get rid of Veron by forcing him to turn up at training following back surgery (Sun, Mirror). PK thinks he’s stalking him – no sooner had he got rid of him at Man United then he was there at Chelsea. Steve Bruce thinks that Robben to Chelsea means Forssell to Birmingham. Has he not been paying attention?
THURSDAY
Chelsea's Marcel Desailly also believes Arsenal will falter. "We feel that their first defeat will destabilise them and bring about a series of losses," he said. "That would enable us to gain ground. Anything is possible." (Sun) . He probably also thinks he is the best defender at Chelsea and he will be playing in the run-in.

Joe Cole to Man United (Express). Daniel van Buyten from that renowned defenders school under KK to Chelsea (Star). Mario Melchiot is not off to Valencia (Times). Whilst more discontent at the Bridge with Damien Duff unhappy at being replaced after 8 months describing it as a ‘bit of a kick in the teeth’ (Sun). Well was it a kick or not?

FRIDAY
The day the Leicester scandal broke. The AA team is now on full alert waiting to be called in to defend the teams honour. Although a team that concedes as many goals as Leicester is going to be difficult to help. This is a big own-goal. Just one hapless quote from the press "does he have the respect of his players, or are Leicester spinning out of control?" (Express) - excuse me for being picky but aren’t either/or questions supposed to have two related parts?
Elsewhere, Liverpool striker Michael Owen admits that he has also received a series of death threats similar to those sent to Anfield boss Gerard Houllier (Star, Sun, Telegraph).

Antony Melvin
06/03/2004

661: Masters 2024

by : Stephen Orford

There have been plenty of other examples of negative publicity –

• the on-off saga over the players’ deferral of wages.
• the rape charge (eventually dropped) against Jody Morris.
• the drink-drive ban for Pennant.
• Gray going public over his decision to omit David Batty from future selection (does anyone know what purpose this serves?).
• Viduka’s ban for missing an Australia friendly international in Venezuela.
• the League Managers’ Association expressing their displeasure at Gray not holding the requisite coaching qualification.
• the Smith bottle-throwing incident and subsequent ban.
• the failure in attempting to offload the pre-season loan signings mid-term, etc, etc.

It's also becoming increasingly difficult to comprehend how the debt levels at the club stubbornly refuse to fall? Yes, the club embarked on a transfer spending frenzy under the Peter Ridsdale/David O’Leary double act (culminating in the completely unwarranted signings of Robbie Fowler and Seth Johnson), but the fire-sales in the 18-months since O’Leary’s departure have more or less balanced the books on that score.

Even taking into account the way in which many deals were structured through the leasing company REFF and the exorbitant salaries on offer (neither of which are exactly unique), it’s still difficult to fathom how the club finds itself in quite such a mess financially. True, Leeds seem to operate a loyalty bonus like no other, continuing to pay hefty percentages of the wages of those that have long since left the club, be they players, managers, coaches or directors. Even in the past week, Nicky Barmby has joined Nottingham Forest on loan, with Leeds still paying £24,000 (80%) of his salary.

Looking on the bright side, the team is finally beginning to play with a bit of spirit. Seth Johnson is beginning to show why O’Leary paid £7 million for him and is becoming increasingly influential in the middle of the park. After an indifferent start, Didier Domi now looks infinitely preferable to Ian Harte at left-back and Smith and Viduka are looking hungry and capable of scoring the requisite goals to fire the club to Premiership safety and possibly save the club from administration into the bargain.

The current predicament has also necessitated that James Milner has become a key player at barely 18-years of age. There are other young players waiting in the wings, with Frazer Richardson, Scott Carson, Simon Johnson, Aaron Lennon and Matthew Kilgallon already having tasted first-team football. Paul Keegan, Martin Woods, Henry McStay and Simon Walton are all likely to be pushing for the first-team squad next season, especially in the event of Division One football being on the agenda.

Once the club’s future is finally settled one way or another, there really has to be a Public Inquiry (although it’s imperative that Lord Hutton must be kept well away from it) as to where the money went. It can't all have been spent on little luxuries for Ridsdale's goldfish.

David Hulott
05/03/2004The year is 2024. The Premiership bubble has well and truly burst. Where once the youth of the day could be found kicking a football around the streets in Manchester United or Arsenal shirts sponsored by Vodafone or 02, they now run around those same streets wearing virtuality reality head-sets pretending to shoot aliens while simultaneously 'video-phoning' each other.

Sky Sports, struggling against the plethora of interactive gaming channels and on-line interactive messaging services of an adult nature, decide that the only way to boost ratings is to add a bit of nostalgia to their scheduling. Live coverage of the Boat Race and the new single-code of rugby just isn't pulling in the viewers like the Premiership used to. So, the executives get their heads together and the concept of a Masters Football tournament is reborn. They had experimented with this briefly at the turn of the century, but viewers were eventually turned off by the site of Ally McCoist sweating profusely. Now though, with new sportswear technology keeping perspiration stains to a minimum, the chance to re-assemble the major stars of the early twenty first century in an all-star regional tournament seems to good to miss.

It is decreed that the old format was a winner, and so the four regional teams representing the North West, the North East, the Midlands and the South will play out a round-robin league system over six weeks, with the top two eventually meeting in a winner takes all final. Unlike the old Masters, the new festival of football will remain 11-a-side, with each manager able to name a squad of 16. The four lucky men charged with this responsibility are as follows;

North West: Gerard Houllier is given the job after his recent sacking by Liverpool. The preferred choice of the North West Board Of Selectors was obviously Sir Alex Ferguson, but he is still employed by third division part time outfit Manchester United and is unavailable.

North East: Steve McLaren takes the job after 91 year-old Sir Bobby Robson is physically restrained by the staff at his nursing home as he attempts to offer his services.

Midlands: David O'Leary has finally run out of clubs to take to the point of world domination and finally accepts a quieter role.

South: Arsene Wenger is still best remembered for his tenure in charge of Arsenal, despite subsequently leading France to World Cup victories in 2014 and 2018. Now in his 70's, he is enticed by the opportunity to show off his managerial genius once again.

The Squads: To qualify for any given region a player merely has to have represented a club within that region in a professional game of some description in 2004. So, no Nicky Butt then.

North West: Brad Freidel, Gary Neville, Mickael Silvestre, Rio Ferdinand (now available after a very long ban indeed), Stephane Henchoz, Wayne Rooney (still only 38), Steven Gerrard, Roy Keane, Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Michael Owen, Ryan Giggs, Jay Jay Okocha, Sami Hyypia, Nicolas Anelka, Tim Howard, Louis Saha.

North East: Shay Given, Steven Wright, Olivier Bernard, Gareth Southgate, Jonathan Woodgate, Gaizka Mendietta, Keiron Dyer, Craig Bellamy, Alan Shearer, Juninho, Laurent Robert, Mark Schwarzer, Ugo Ehiogu, Boudewijn Zenden, Massimo Maccarone, Marcus Stewart.

Midlands: Maik Taylor, Mark Delaney, Gareth Barry, Kenny Cunningham, Matthew Upson, Muzzy Izzet, David Dunn, Juan Pablo Angel, Mikael Forssell, Christophe Dugarry, Jason Koumas, Thomas Sorensen, Dennis Irwin, Robbie Savage, Darius Vassell, Peter Crouch.

South: Carlo Cudicini, Stephen Carr, Wayne Bridge, Sol Campbell, John Terry, Patrick Vieira, Robert Pires, Robbie Keane, Thierry Henry, Adrian Mutu, Freddie Ljungberg, Edwin Van Der Sar, Marcel Desailly, Damien Duff, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Paolo Di Canio.

Log on to Squarefootball.net next week for the lowdown on the tournament's opening games, a fascinating encounter between the North West and the Midlands, plus the North East taking on the South.

Stephen Orford.
04/03/2004

659: Mavericks: Bernd Schuster, Bar

by : Daniel Ruiz

Regarded by many as a rival to Maradona and Platini as the world’s greatest footballer in the first half of the eighties, the blond haired midfield maestro first came to prominence in West Germany’s 1980 European Championship triumph. Then only 20 years old, Schuster emerged as the star of the tournament, then promptly shocked his countrymen by retiring from international football following a bust up with national manager Jupp Derwall.

Unlike that other enfant terrible of German football, Stefan Effenberg, Schuster would never reconsider his decision and never played for his country again.

In 1984, Terry Venables became “El Tel” and arrived at the Nou Camp. Within days, Diego Maradona had left for Napoli, and Venables couldn’t afford to lose the club’s other foreign star.

The relationship between Venables and Schuster went well in the first season. Venables was impressed with the German’s application in training, and built his side around him as Barca picked up their first title in 11 seasons. But problems were just around the corner.

Schuster began to believe his press, and his wife, a leggy German model would often give Venables an earful if she thought he wasn’t treating Schuster well. Schuster also complained that Venables’ signing, the Scot Steve Archibald, wasn’t giving him the support he needed up front, but Venables backed Archibald.

The tension between the Englishman and the German maverick finally exploded during the 1986 European Cup Final between Barcelona and the Romanians, Steau Bucharest. The final was being played in Seville, and the ground was packed with Catalans.

Schuster struggled to break down the dogged East Europeans and as the game headed for extra time, Venables hauled off the German. Schuster couldn’t believe his eyes as he saw his number being held up. Livid, he walked off the pitch and made a quick exit out of the stadium.

The German never played for the club again and within a year, both he and Venables had left the club.

Daniel Ruiz
28/02/2004

658: UEFA CUP: Draw analysis

by : Stephen Orford

STUART PEARCE – England v West Germany, World Cup Semi-Final 1990
Pearce came to prominence in Italia 90, his marauding runs down the left and crunching tackles very much a feature of England’s world cup campaign. The then Forest skipper was the equal of Italy’s young left back Paulo Maldini and the German Andreas Brehme in that tournament.

But as the game went to penalties, Pearce’s shot came off Illgner’s legs. The acknowledged hard man’s composure left him as Waddle then followed and famously blazed his kick over the bar.

“Stuart Pearce is bawling his eyes out and I thought he was a really hard man,” said the late Brian Moore in his commentary that night.

Blubberometer: 0. Hey! Do you want to call him a “cry baby”?

DIEGO MARADONA – Argentina, World Cup Final 1990
Argentina had surprised everyone as they somehow stumbled onto the final. Ordinary four years earlier when they became the poorest champions in living memory, the Argentineans went down disgracefully to the West Germans in the final, ending the match with 9 men.

At the final whistle, the chubby little number ten sobbed his heart out.

Blubberometer: 0. Even the tears looked false.

IAN WRIGHT – Arsenal, Cup Winners Cup Semi-Final
Already on a yellow from earlier on in the competition, Wright picked up another card against PSG at Highbury, and was ruled out of the final. Unlike Gazza, Wright didn’t wait until the game was over before crying.

BLUBBEROMETER: 9. Over the years, Wright’s melodramatics grew tiresome, but these were genuine tears.

FRANCO BARESI – Italy, World Cup Final 1994
The outstanding sweeper of his time, the 34 year old Baresi returned from injury and produced one of the greatest defensive performances ever seen, snuffing out the threat of Romario Bravely leading from the front, Baresi then stepped up to take the first penalty in the shoot out, firing over the bar. If Baggio skied his penalty, then Baresi’s is still traveling eight years on! The Italian captain slumped to his knees, and covered his face with his hands. At the end of the game, the tearful and crestfallen Baresi was embraced by Sacchi.

BLUBBEROMETER: 4. Even now, it’s tough to remember such a great player so distraught.

ROBERTO BAGGIO – Italy, World Cup Final 1994
The Divine Ponytail had dragged an inconsistent azzuri to the final virtually on his own. After skying the decisive penalty in the Pasadena Rose Bowl, the Brazilians ran towards Tafarell in the Brazilian goal. Baggio meanwhile seemed to take an eternity to register he had just cost his country the World Cup. Hands on hips, he stayed rooted to the spot for a few moments, looking lost, before his head dropped and the first tears came.

BLUBBEROMETER: 5. A moment of haunting beauty. Nothing to laugh at, even if the “early period Tears For Fears” hair was worse than Venison’s.

JASON MCATEER – Liverpool, 1996 FA Cup Final
Another Liverpool player! One of the most disappointing Finals of all time ended with a late Cantona strike separating United and Liverpool. A native scouser in his first season with the club he grew up supporting, it was all too much for McAteer as he slumped into coach Ronnie Moran’s arms after the game. Still, the ice cream suit was nice…

BLUBBEROMETER: 8. One of only a handful of Liverpool players to perform that day, McAteer didn’t deserve to taste defeat.

JOSE SANTIAGO CAŇIZARES – Valencia, Champions League Final 2001
The Valencia keeper was overwhelmed at the end of the penalty shoot out which his side had lost to Bayern, and fell to the ground crying. For Valencia this was a second successive defeat.

His opposite number, Oliver Kahn, whose Bayern side had tasted defeat in the cruelest of manners against United two years earlier, took time out from celebrating with his teammates to go over and console the Spanish keeper, a gesture that was rewarded with a special award from UEFA later that year.

BLUBBEROMETER: 9. No man should bleach their hair. Like Venison, should have kept a low profile. and what’s with the socks pulled over the knees. Is he auditioning for The Rocky Horror Show?

Daniel Ruiz
28/02/2004Just in case you thought that World and European footballing governing bodies hadn't confused you enough with their draw procedures, UEFA today (Thursday March 4) made the draw for no fewer than three rounds of the UEFA Cup competition.

Despite the acceptance of many that the UEFA Cup is now a poor relation to the all-singing, all-dancing Champions' League there are still some famous footballing names competing for the trophy as we reach the last sixteen. Among the favourites are Roma, Barcelona, Inter Milan and Valencia, but throw in other former European Champions like Celtic, Liverpool, PSV Eindhoven and Marseille and the competition looks fairly open.

As is their wont these days, UEFA decided to bewilder everyone with their draw structure. Eight of the remaining sixteen teams were seeded, leaving eight possible non-seeds as prospective opponents. Simple enough so far. However, they then decided to split those eight seeds and the eight non seeds into two separate pots of four. This meant that each of the sixteen teams had only four possible opponents for the fourth round. Confused? Of course you are.

The upshot of all of this was that Celtic drew what must be considered the most glamorous tie of the round when their name came out alongside that of Barcelona. The Catalan giants have been not so much sleeping as comatose in recent years but with glove-wearing, Seaman-lobbing Brazillian superstar Ronaldinho very much back in form they will provide a stern test for Martin O'Neill's men. The Bhoys will be keen to repeat their run to last year's final and there is sure to be a white-hot atmosphere when the teams meet in Glasgow in the first leg next week.

The two remaining English clubs, Liverpool and Newcastle United, were handed less difficult assignements. Like Celtic, Newcastle face Spanish opposition in Real Mallorca while Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier returns to his native France as the Reds line-up against Marseille. The French side dropped out of a Champions' League group that included Real Madrid and FC Porto, and are not to be taken lightly by a team that conceded two goals away to Levski Sofia last night (Wednesday March 3).

Other titanic clashes in the last sixteen include Inter Milan's tie with Benfica and Auxerre's match-up with PSV Eindhoven. However, it is when these matches are completed that things start to get interesting. The draw also laid out the path that awaits each team should they progress into the quarter finals and beyond, with a possible all English semi-final between Liverpool and Newcastle in the offing. Unfortunately, Liverpool might find it difficult to keep up their end of the bargain as they face a possible quarter final against Inter Milan. Unlike last year there is no possibility of an Anglo-Scottish encounter until the final itself.

Can Liverpool gain revenge for last year's exit by beating Celtic in the final? Will Newcastle win their first trophy seemingly since Sir Bobby was a lad? Unlikely. Look for Barcelona or Roma to emerge as one finalist with perhaps the unpredictable Inter Milan providing the opposition.

That UEFA Cup Fourth Round Draw In Full;

Match 1: Celtic v Barcelona
Match 2: Genclerbirligi v Valencia
Match 3: Bordeaux v Bruges
Match 4: Newcastle United v Real Mallorca
Match 5: Auxerre v PSV Eindhoven
Match 6: Inter Milan v Benfica
Match 7: Liverpool v Marseille
Match 8: Villarreal v Roma

That UEFA Cup Quarter Final Draw Almost In Full;

Match A: Winner Match 3 v Winner Match 2
Match B: Winner Match 7 v Winner Match 6
Match C: Winner Match 1 v Winner Match 8
Match D: Winner Match 5 v Winner Match 4

That UEFA Cup Semi Final Draw Not In Full But At The Point At Which Fans Of Liverpool, Newcastle And Celtic Can Start Speculating Wildly;

Winner Match D v Winner Match B
Winner Match C v Winner Match A

I have a headache.

Stephen Orford
04/03/2004

660: PREMIERSHIP: Leeds United - st

by : David Hulott

Such have been events at Leeds United Football Club in recent years, that I can’t pretend that my expectations going into this season were particularly high.

Aside from the cataclysmic financial problems, my lack of optimism was due in no small part to the decision to appoint Peter Reid on a permanent basis after the win at Highbury at the tail end of last season. This just smacked of the typical short-sightedness that’s become synonymous with the Leeds board. In addition, the departure of Harry Kewell did little to bolster the bank balance of the club, although it certainly provided a very lucrative pay-day for the player and his parasitic agent.

Other than the loss of Kewell, Olivier Dacourt and Nigel Martyn were also sold over the summer, while Danny Mills was loaned out to Middlesbrough for the season. In truth, it could have been far worse, with the likes of Alan Smith, Mark Viduka and Paul Robinson all being linked with moves elsewhere.

In a bid to augment what had become a pale shadow of the squad left by David O’Leary a year earlier, Reid brought in no fewer than seven players on loan deals. Whilst acknowledging that he had little alternative other than to adopt such a policy, the decision to opt for six foreign players on such a basis always looked doomed to failure. I may be doing Mr Reid a disservice, but I would doubt that he had ever heard of Cyril Chapuis, let alone seen the Marseille reserve striker actually play prior to his arrival at Elland Road. To make matters worse, it appears that £1.5 million was squirreled away into the pockets of those dastardly agents in setting up these deals – more excellent business by the board!

From the start of the current campaign, results have been every bit as poor as could have been envisaged, while each event off the field has seemingly managed to surpass the previous one in terms of the club blundering ever deeper into the abyss.

With relegation and the threat of administration looming, barely a week goes by without some increasingly implausible saviour coming to the fore. Bahrainis (Sheikh Abdulrahman bin Mubarak Al-Khalifa), Chinese (Xu Ming), Ugandans (Michael Ezra), Libyans (Colonel Gaddafi, no less), even the man from the Post Office (Allan Leighton) has been linked with a takeover. In the meantime, former chairman Professor John McKenzie has slipped quietly out the back door with a hefty pay cheque for his services (?), while Leighton has also disappeared from the scene with undue haste.

As things stand, it’s difficult to envisage why the one remaining interested party would even contemplate buying the club at this stage? That said, given that the consortium of Yorkshire businessmen in question includes former Bradford City chairman Geoffrey Richmond (even if, as he claims, only in an advisory role), I suppose anything is possible?

Having come through the January transfer window with what remains of their once illustrious squad largely intact, Trevor Birch’s promise that no players would be sold in the sales was more or less adhered to. With the exception of the injury-prone Michael Bridges (unfortunately a pale shadow of his former self) leaving for Newcastle United, there were no further exits in January. Indeed, with the signing of defender Stephen Caldwell on loan from the Geordies for the rest of the season, it could be argued that the club has actually strengthened its hand on the playing front.

However, even this relatively good news was more by luck than design, with the club’s ability to shoot itself in the foot again much in evidence. Who, other than Leeds, would negotiate a complex deal that would allow their keeper, Paul Robinson, to join Tottenham Hotspur for £2 million, with the player staying at Elland Road on loan until the summer, without first checking the ruling that states that no more than two Premiership players are permitted to be on loan at a top-flight club at any given time? Now let’s see, Jermaine Pennant, Caldwell, Rob…Doh!! The level of ineptitude at the club is breathtaking! Had it not been for compassionate leave to visit his seriously ill father in Australia, there can be little doubt that Viduka would probably have left for Middlesbrough during the window too.

657: FUN: When grown men cry: top 1

by : Daniel Ruiz

EMLYN HUGHES – LIVERPOOL, 1977 FA Cup Final
Liverpool had just lost the 2nd leg of the treble. In between securing their 9th League Championship and their impending European Cup Final against Moenchengladbach, they suffered a surprise 2-1 defeat to Manchester United.

It was all too much for the squeaky voiced Liverpool skipper who broke down as he made his way into the royal box. It would be a different story four days later when Hughes and Liverpool got their hands on their first European Cup.

Blubberometer rating: An embarrassing 9.

PAUL ALLEN – West Ham, 1980 FA Cup Final
17 year-old Allen became the youngest player ever to appear in an FA Cup Final as second division West Ham stunned top flight Arsenal and became the last 2nd division side to win the FA Cup. Allen gave a good account of himself, and almost even scored near the end before Arsenal’s Willie Young cynically scythed him down. At the end of the game, as Hammers skipper Billy Bonds lifted the cup, Allen’s emotions got the better of him and the tears rolled down.

Blubberometer rating: 6. Come on, he was only a kid.

BARRY VENISON – Sunderland, 1985 League Cup Final
The 22 year old blonde mullet-haired Venison became the youngest ever captain to lead his side out at Wembley. But a Gordon Chisolm own goal presented the League Cup to Norwich and Venison was distraught at the end of the game. More tears followed at the end of the season as the Wearsiders were relegated.

Blubberometer: 10. Anyone with that blonde mullet should keep a low profile.

BARRY VENISON – Liverpool, 1987 League Cup Final
Oh dear. A second entry for the blubmeister. This time it came during his first season with Liverpool. The reds started the game as favourites against a young Arsenal side, but after going a goal up through Ian Rush, two goals from Charlie Nicholas gave George Graham his first trophy as Gunners’ manager. Once again, at the end of the game, Venison was inconsolable.

Blubberometer: 10. Twice is too much.

PAUL GASCOIGNE – England v West Germany, World Cup Semi Final, 1990
No one will ever forget this one. Gascoigne, up until then outstanding, made a late lunge at Thomas Berthold who went down as if he’d been shot. The referee bought his yellow card out and Gascoigne was out of the final were England to make it through. Gazza was barely able to contain his emotions during the game. and in the immediate aftermath of the Germans’ penalties victory, the Geordie seared his way into the public consciousness with the most public of tears.

Blubberometer: 8. Let’s not laugh. We were probably crying with him.

656: PREMIERSHIP: Gerard Houllier’s

by : Antony Melvin

5) The Main Man: Take a bow, Jeff Stelling. This one man holds the front of the show together with expert ease. As the goals, bookings, sending-offs and incidents fly in, Stelling keeps his cool and relates the events to the viewer with the help of the onscreen vidi-printer. His ability to jump back and forth between matches is crucial to the flow of the show. His knowledge of football in general is second to none and his never-ending research in days prior to matchdays clearly shines through. Message to Sky Sports Executives: Jeff Stelling is vital to your continued success.

6) Behind the scenes: The amount of production that must go into the making of Soccer Saturday is enormous. It’s not just what’s happening on our screens, but what’s happening off it that makes the show run so smoothly. Sky Sports have a reporter sat in every ground at every game around the country keeping tabs on the score and scorers, ready to call home with an update in a flash.

7) Online service: And it just gets better as this season Sky Sports have expanded their Gillette Soccer Saturday service by making it available online at www.skysports.com. The ‘Score Centre’ launches and up pops every goal from every game, both on a Saturday and when there are enough midweek games to warrant the service (likewise with the TV service). Talk about being ‘interactive’, as you can simply click on any team and up pops their starting line-up, subs, bookings, and goal information. All the information you could want at the squeak of a mouse.

So there we have it. Gillette Soccer Saturday is good. It’s very good. It could even be better than sex. At least in this case there’s a guaranteed orgasm or two.

Jonny Hall
28/02/2004As the football world reels from a detailed death threat sent to the Liverpool boss, Shankly’s famous old quote has rarely rung so hollow. That the Liverpool support will now rally behind the manager is expected and predictable. A by-product of such a threat is that the Liverpool manager is now likely to be retained for at least another year and the idiotic actions of this person will have exactly the opposite effect as that intended.

So the prospect that Gerard Houllier will be taking Liverpool into 2005 is now very real. But all sentiment aside, is Houllier the man to return the true glory days to Anfield, rather than consistent league finishes and a good cup run?

One of the character traits of great managers for decades has been to show little sentimentality with regards to transfers, to take risks and not listen to what the fans are clamouring for. And this is Houllier’s basic weakness, he listens to the fans on the talk shows, he reads the papers, he wants to be loved. But is that a desirable trait in a manager?

In the summer Alex Ferguson sold David Beckham to Real Madrid, Bobby Robson attempted to sell the talismanic Alan Shearer to Liverpool and Arsene Wenger more-or-less retired David Seaman. All ruthless acts from experienced and better managers.

And Wenger and Ferguson have a history of shaking up the team with unpopular and sudden sales. At Arsenal Merson, Overmars, Petit and Anelka were all moved on. And Ferguson’s list is necessarily longer; Whiteside, McGrath, Ince, Stam, Kanchelskis and Beckham. These weren’t players in their dotage, all of them were in their prime and established internationals.

How did Houllier attempt to shake up his squad after a disappointing fifth place finish? He released Patrick Berger and in a bid to appease the fans and the press he bought the winger they were clamouring for. Whether he knew what to do with him is a moot point.

Management (as opposed to coaching) is as much about selling as buying. Manchester United may not win the league because Arsenal have been exceptional. But their sale of Beckham would never have happened at Anfield because it was a bold decision. Houllier would have rather let his midfield get too old than let a world class player go – but that is the easy way. And increasingly Houllier has taken the easier way. Afraid of the fans reaction, he has pandered to their demands and now has a team that is falling back into a regular top-six side – with all the relative mediocrity that this implies.

Advocating that Liverpool sell Owen or Gerrard this season may well be counter-productive. But great Liverpool managers have sold their best players and improved the team as a result. Bob Paisley broke up the Toshack/Keegan partnership by selling the England man after winning the European Cup when he was 26. At Hamburg he was promptly crowned European Footballer of the Year, twice. Liverpool improved because they bought Kenny Dalglish, Graeme Souness and Alan Hansen (Hansen a few weeks before Keegan left).

Joe Fagan sold Graeme Souness to Sampdoria at the height of his brilliance after Liverpool won a treble of European Cup, league and league cup. Liverpool continued to win title after title. Goal machines Ian Rush and his replacement John Aldridge were also sold off in their prime as successive managers put the club first, the player second and sentiment a distant third.

Houllier doesn’t have the instincts to make bold and unpopular transfer decisions. He is a good coach but not a great manager, and given the resources at his disposal it is possible that he can still lead Liverpool to the title – but there are a dozen managers in Europe who are more likely to do so.

Most Liverpool fans have already decided that Houllier is not the man to take them back to the top but after a death threat all this will be forgotten. Expect Liverpool fans to give Houllier their full backing, but the same old doubts will again be voiced after a respectful gap.

Antony Melvin
03/03/2004

655: TV: Gillette Soccer Saturday:

by : Jonny Hall

With Rodney Marsh having an orgasm in the studio and Chris Kamara having multiple orgasms at the match, it’s no wonder Gillette Soccer Saturday has football fans getting all excited each and every Saturday.

The production team at Sky Sports deserve a knighthood for their Gillette Soccer Saturday show, which runs from midday until six o’clock on Sky Sports One and Sky Sports News every Saturday and sometimes in midweek. Every goal from every game up and down the country, Soccer Saturday is a god-send for football fans who cannot get to or afford to see their favourite team in the flesh. As well as all the updates, ‘Jeff Stelling and guests’ look back at the week’s events, including interviews with all the big names who are involved in the big stories.

Why have 90 minutes of football when you can have six hours of it at the press of a button? If you have Sky, press ‘ON’, key in 401 or 408 at midday and wham, bam, thank you ‘Mam, sit back and enjoy. When fans are having to pay anywhere between £20-£40 to watch their team, it’s no wonder many are content to sit on the sofa. Soccer Saturday certainly does wonders for the ‘coach potato’ argument.

So why is Gillette Soccer Saturday just so satisfying?

1) Scheduling: The men in black at Sky Sports Towers are doing a grand job with some very clever scheduling. The show begins dead on 12, straight after the hugely popular fun-and-frolics of Soccer AM sadly finishes. By pencilling in the Soccer Saturday programme to follow on, there’s no reason not to stay tuned to Sky Sports for a very long time. Say, about 6pm? Because once Soccer Saturday comes on, there’s no getting it off because every minute of a 90 minute match is precious, as we’re only too aware. You wouldn’t want to miss an 89th minute winner for your team, would you?

2) Man-time: This leads us on to our man-time, or if you want for a better word, ‘escapism’. A time when men can be left alone to make football the most important thing in their lives for six hours of one Saturday afternoon. A time when the missus and the kids (unless they’ve grown up and are watching as well) give us some space to become one with the TV. We verbally abuse the TV, when there’s a goal scored for us we cheer and when there’s a goal scored for them we curse. They understand our needs – or I hope I think they do. I mean, come on. We give them their Ground Force, their Changing Rooms and their Location, Location, Location (Christ, how many more do they want?)

3) Humour: Despite the fact the guest panellists in the studio and the reporters at the match have to be on the ball every minute, they always manage a giggle. In fact, there’s times when there are a whole lot of laughs. This brings us back to Rodney Marsh’s cries of ‘OWW!’ ‘ARRGH!’… (10 minutes later)… ‘OWW!’ as he, like any football fan, cannot contain his excitement at the match he’s watching and reporting back to us. Next is the turn of Chris Kamara, another lively and likeable character, as he too gets himself all flustered after someone’s just scored a 30-yard screamer (I spotted Chris in Tenerife last summer soothing his throat with a couple of well-earned beverages). And last but not least is the banter between panellists, Marsh and Frank McLintock, who both seek to make a more intelligent comment than the other time and again in a battle of wits.

4) Star line-up: Alongside Marsh and McLintock sits the never-out-of-the-press, George Best. The former Manchester United idol has been employed as a guest pundit for a couple of years now, which some argue is morally wrong but you can’t escape the fact that Best pulls in viewers.
Tony Cottee, Matt Le Tissier, Charlie Nicholas, Alan Mullery, John Gregory and Gordon McQueen have all also become familiar and popular faces in the studio. Meanwhile, the usual suspects, Alan McInally, Nigel Spackman and Dickie Davies are all out and about as roving reporters giving viewers in-depth reports from around the grounds.

654: PREMIERSHIP: Everton looking s

by : Antony Melvin

Everton’s season has been a let-down. Although the high standards of last season were unlikely to be exceeded, many commentators saw 2003/4 as a chance for Everton to build a team around Rooney and provide a platform for the future. Unfortunately in a moribund transfer market the team David Moyes inherited is largely unsellable, and the only players that have a decent sale value are not for sale.

Much was made of the motley bunch of players that were inherited being too old and simply not up to the job. But they proved many of the doubters wrong last season and were in the top five for most of the season before falling away in the last couple of months. Unfortunately the team took their late season form into the new season and were serious relegation candidates in the Autumn. A decent recovery up to Christmas was followed by another mini-crisis in the new year. Brave talk of a European spot has now vanished.

It seems as though the Smith veterans could raise themselves for only so long. In the Premiership you have to run just to stand still, unfortunately the sprinting that the veterans did last season has left them short of breath for this campaign.

Everton won’t now be relegated. With 29 points Everton may appear to be well short of safety, but this is an odd year for points distribution. Last season West Brom and Sunderland were badly tailed off and the top three were nowhere near as dominant, leaving many more points to be spread amongst the rest. This season the relegation cut-off will probably be around 36 points, and Everton will garner at least 15 points from the run-in and be safe with a month of the season left.

This season has, however, shown Moyes prowess in fishing for bargains. The best two players this season have probably been Kevin Kilbane and Nigel Martyn, discarded by Sunderland and Leeds United. Indeed these two looked very like Walter Smith signings – too old or one-dimensional. But they have both thrived at Goodison Park in a very mediocre season – its debateable how impressive they would have looked last season. But quibbling aside add the talented James McFadden’s progress, plus Hibbert, Yobo, Wright and Rooney to the established Gravesen, Radzinski and Ferguson and the core of a new team is taking shape.

Despite the league position, David Moyes has improved the squad as far as he has been able to. The remaining dead-wood from the Walter Smith team is gradually being replaced by younger and more appropriate players. But given the lack of funds at his disposal there can be no quick fix.

This summer should see a number of disposals that will free up wages – even if they don’t generate much cash: Simonsen, Gerrard and Alexandersson are out of contract and others like Gemmill, Carsley, Nyarko, Stubbs, Unsworth and Campbell may well be moved on – possibly at a cost to Everton. This will allow youth players through and allow Moyes to work his magic in the transfer market. Expect the average age of the squad to fall from 27 years to the more optimum 25 year old level.

The Moyes revolution is still happening, but much more quietly than a year ago. The manager of the year is lucky enough to be secure at a club that believes in the long-term and this season should see Everton finish in 13th or 14th place in the league, but in far better shape than when he guided Everton away from relegation two years ago. The squad will be much improved in the summer as new faces will replace those identified as not being good enough. Write off this season. Next season a top 6 finish is very achievable.

Antony Melvin
02/03/2004