754: PREMIERSHIP: Liverpool need tr

by : Stephen Orford

After his Tottenham tomfoolery, Jens Lehmann's time at Arsenal could be up. Arsene Wenger does not have the air of a man who will tolerate random acts of madness from his custodian, particularly after having been so fortunate to have the ever dependable Seaman as the last line of defence for so long. Not known for giving youth a chance, Wenger may again turn to Europe to find a replacement rather than relying on either Stuart Taylor or Graham Stack. Both have done reasonably well when called upon, but still lack the experience that Wenger likes in a goalkeeper. That they have little experience is of course down to the long term presence of Seaman and also to Wenger's reluctance to throw them in. However, since the rest of the team appears not to need much adjustment, it could just be that a large portion of Arsenal's summer transfer budget will be spent on a new shot-stopper.

Just what this team could achieve if they had a goalkeeper is quite frightening.

Stephen Orford
28/04/2004With only three games to go all the talk among fans of Liverpool Football Club concerns whether or not their team will secure fourth place in the league, and the much sought after Champions' League qualification that goes with it. They may just pull it off, and much will depend on their final day showdown with their main rivals for the position, Newcastle United. Frankly though, who cares?

Somebody once said that you cannot show fourth place and a huge wad of cash to your grandchildren. They were spot on with that particular assessment. Liverpool's exits at the last 16 stage of both the FA and UEFA Cups have all but ruined their season in the eyes of those right-thinking observers. Yet again the Anfield trophy cabinet will be bare, a prospect that would have been unthinkable under previous regimes. And therein seems to lie the problem.

In my oh so humble opinion this is the worst Liverpool team since Bill Shankly strolled into Anfield in 1959 and revolutionised the club. Despite this fact staring every Liverpool fan directly in the face, many continue to get hugely excited at the prospect of playing among Europe's elite next season. Expectations at Anfield seem to have changed markedly since the tenure of Shankly, with fourth place now deemed to be something of an achievement. While this 'achievement' will indeed bring in much needed revenue for the club which could be vital to its future, it will also have deeply negative connotations should it happen.

Not least of these is the fact that it will almost certainly mean another year at least at the helm for the hapless, clueless Gerard Houllier. Comments about what a nice bloke Houllier is are becoming increasingly tiresome as he sets about destroying the traditions and aspirations of one of the most famous footballing names on planet Earth. It is an undeniable fact that Liverpool have gone backwards under Houllier's stewardship, and after more than five years in charge it is surely time to let somebody else have a go.

The argument about who should replace Houllier were he to go will run and run. There is a school of thought that suggests that whoever comes in will need another three or four years to take Liverpool anywhere near a return to the summit of English and European football. The flaw in this argument of course is that it fails to take into account the fact that Liverpool will never return to such dizzy heights under Houllier. So, you pays your money and you takes your choice. Either wait another three years for the team to truly develop under a dynamic, forward thinking manager who understands that his job description is to win the title and challenge for the Champions' League, or wait forever for a miracle under Houllier.

If another year of Houllier doesn't have Liverpool fans hiding behind their couches, how about the prospect of utter humiliation that could ensue were they to participate in next year's Champions' League? The team, with its El Hadji Diouffs and its Salif Diaos, are not in the same class as the European powers in modern football such as Real Madrid, AC Milan and company. Even those leading lights couldn't make it into the semi finals of this year's competition, so what chance a club led by a man who thinks that Emile Heskey is a better player than either Robbie Fowler or Nicolas Anelka?

By qualifying for the Champions' League, Liverpool will merely be entering a competition that they have no realistic prospect of winning. The situation is reminiscent of that which Blackburn Rovers found themselves in earlier this season. They spent much of the 2002/03 campaign telling everbody how important UEFA Cup qualification was to the club, only to then view the competition as an unwelcome distraction once the whips started cracking. Fans of Liverpool can expect their team to endure an equally lame exit should they reached the so-called promised land of Champions' League football. Yet still they strive and strive to reach this perceived holy grail, as if somehow it is the answer to all of their recent ills. This kind of perverse logic is becoming more and more prevalent in football as finance takes an ever tighter grip on the game.

So whatever happened to glory? It is ironic that Liverpool might just pip Newcastle to the post for the dubious honour of Champions' League football because of the Geordies' pursuiit of that once cherished commodity. They lie on the brink of a UEFA Cup final place as they go into their second leg with Marseille with the aggregate score still at 0-0. Should they get there, and even lift the famous old trophy, they may just take their eye off the ball long enough for Liverpool to sneak into the premier European competition.

One day, the likes of Shearer, Speed, Given and Robert may be able to tell stories to their grandchildren about the night they won a glittering European prize. For the likes of Owen, Gerrard, Kewell and Hamann the stories they tell may only be of how they earned their club enough money to keep an under-achieving hierarchy in place.

Stephen Orford
29/04/2004

753: PREMIERSHIP: Jens Lehmann is n

by : Stephen Orford

As Arsene Wenger's head clears following the one glass of wine that he might have had to celebrate his team's Premiership triumph, his thoughts will inevitably turn to making sure the team has the best possible opportunity to retain that title next season. In so doing, he might want to first of all consider the position of goalkeeper, particularly following the eccentric behaviour of one Jens Lehmann during Arsenal's all-conquering, unbeaten season.

It was always going to be difficult to replace a legend at Arsenal Football Club. David Seaman had been in sole possession of the number one shirt at Highbury for well over a decade. Capped 75 times by England, Seaman is indisputably one of the greats of all time between the sticks. Jens Lehmann on the evidence of this past campaign, as successful as it has been for Arsenal collectively, clearly is not.

He has been guilty of a number of calamitous and hilarious blunders since his high profile arrival from Borussia Dortmund in the summer. Long before the Gunners were knocked off their perch by Chelsea in the Champions' League, the media-proclaimed best team in Europe almost didn't make it past the first group phase, due in no small part to the shennanigans of Lehmann. After an early hiding at home to Inter Milan and an uninspiring goal-less draw in Moscow against Lokomotiv, Arsenal faced a fight for their Champions' League lives when they visited Kiev to take on Dynamo.

Inexplicably, Lehmann saw fit to race out of his goal to sweep up a through-ball only to take an air-shot at it. The ensuing empty net was a gift too good to turn down and Arsenal left Kiev with most observers proclaiming their exit from the competition after a 2-1 defeat left them with only one point from their first three games. The last-gasp heroics of Ashley Cole in the return game with Kiev at Highbury kept the north Londoners alive and perhaps inspired them to the 5-1 destruction of Inter Milan that followed. A win against Lokomotiv at Highbury saw them through but it was not long before Lehmann once again showed his weakness.

After a comfortable last 16 victory against Celta Vigo of Spain Arsenal went on to face London neighbours Chelsea in the quarter finals. In the first leg at Stamford Bridge Lehmann again went walkabout, letting in Eidur Gudjohnsen in similar to fashion to that which had benefited Dynamo Kiev. Another attempt to play sweeper had gone horribly wrong, but Arsenal's 1-1 draw that night ensured that they were most people's favourites to go through. Most people had again reckoned without Lehmann's propensity for disaster.

In the return leg Arsenal had taken what looked to be a decisive lead through a Reyes goal just on half-time. Under consistent pressure from a revitalised Chelsea in the second half, they needed only to hold on to that slender lead to progress. Enter Herr Lehmann once more. A long range speculator from BAFTA nominee Claude Makalele looked simple enough for the German number two to deal with. Unfortunately, he could only beat it out directly in front of goal to a delighted, grateful and probably somewhat baffled Frank Lampard. The rest is history as Wayne Bridge went on to eliminate all talk of trebles and other such hysteria, but it is not only in the Champions' League were Lehmann has had his problems.

Perhaps the rules of Association football are different in Germany, but every time Lehmann is challenged by an opponent when attempting to claim a cross he views it as an affront. He faced disciplinary action after childishly throwing the ball at the back of Southampton striker Kevin Phillips, claiming that the former England man had stepped on his foot. More recently, his antics earned rivals Tottenham a late late point in Sunday's (April 25) north London derby which ultimately secured Arsenal's title victory. Yet again Lehmann was challenged for a cross, this time by the diminutive Robbie Keane. Keane has scored as many headers as Peter Crouch has scored overhead kicks, but Lehmann felt threatened enough by his presence to employ physical force to remove the threat.

As the ball ricocheted off the Arsenal bar, Lehmann grabbed Keane by the shoulders and pulled him into the back of the net. Keane responded by pushing Lehmann who comically fell to the ground. After much deliberation referee Mark Halsey awarded a penalty and it was Keane who had the last laugh as he confidently stroked the ball home. It didn't quite spoil Arsenal's title party, but it did take some of the gloss off what should have been another derby win for the red half of north London. Also, Spurs point could yet prove crucial in their continuing relegation battle and an opportunity has surely been lost to cast the old enemy further into the mire.

All of this evidence of Lehmann's eccentricity comes without mentioning his part in the handbag swinging at Old Trafford back in September, when he was one of several players charged by the FA. With a goalkeeper prone to this kind of activity, it only increases further the magnitude of the achievement of the Arsenal team in staying unbeaten throughout the season. Many of the plaudits have quite rightly gone to the attacking players such as Henry, Pires and Bergkamp, but the efforts of Toure, Campbell, Lauren and Cole should also be recognised.

750: FA CUP: Cup Final ticket alloc

by : John Monaghan

Sorry to start off with stating the obvious but although this season has not gone as well as us United fans had hoped a very enjoyable aspect of recent weeks has been watching the wheels come spectacularly off the Arsenal treble challenge. Arsenal are undoubtedly still a great team who thoroughly deserved to win the Premiership comfortably this season but they are not quite ‘‘the greatest club side ever’’, as some so-called pundits very naively suggested before any of the main prizes had been handed out.

In the aftermath of a gritty Cup semi-final win against the aforementioned Gooners my attention though has turned to a sunny Cardiff day in May. However unfortunately many fans from both Millwall and United will not be able to follow their respective clubs in Cardiff, despite following them week in and week out. I have been very interested to hear how poor ticket allocations are going to be for the game and dismayed that true football fans, the life and soul of the beautiful game, are being cheated out of a showpiece occasion. And the finger of blame points directly at the FA.

Millwall want an extra 7,000 to add to their currently reasonable 21,000 allocation. Given that their average league gate is 10,000, 28,000 should allow most fans with Millwall at heart to enjoy what is arguably the club’s greatest achievement yet (although I think most Lions followers would agree that promotion this season to the Premiership would surpass that).

Manchester United, on the other hand, are a different kettle of fish. 35-40,000 is the expected figure for a club that is currently looking to expand their stadium capacity from 67 to 75,000. United’s supporters clubs will most likely be badly represented at the game, with my own branch in Carryduff suffering. Speaking recently to a neighbour and fellow branch member who is a season ticket holder, he revealed that he had applied for a ticket but could not be sure of getting one as the branch had only received 2 tickets for the 1999 Cup final. And yet these are the same fans that trek hundreds of miles from Northern Ireland for every home game! A worrying development which will come as a direct result of this is the increase in ticket touts.

If United fans are prepared to support the team in Kiev or other such European outposts then who’s to say they won’t pay extortionate prices for a ticket to the Millennium Stadium?

Although the FA wants to show its appreciation to its corporate sponsors and similar others, it also has a responsibility to ordinary fans of the two competing clubs. The most famous example of this discontent came from Luton Town fan and comedian Eric Morecambe after the Royal Variety show one year. Morecambe, on meeting the Queen, is reported to have quipped:

"Since you don’t like football, can I have your Cup final ticket this year?"

So the request to the FA is very simple – stop handing out tens of thousands of tickets to those who have no interest in the game and give a much bigger cut to the real supporters of both clubs. Would you like to explain to any of these ‘corporate guests’ that the goal just scored was ruled out because of the recent amendment to the offside rule? Somehow I don’t think those plush corporate boxes at Cardiff have a drawing board and chalk.

John Monaghan
20/04/2004

752: PREMIERSHIP: How should Leeds

by : David Hulott

There's been an air of inevitability about it all season I suppose, but the abject 2:1 defeat at home to Portsmouth on Sunday looks to have all but condemned Leeds United to relegation after what has been a desperate campaign, both on and off the pitch. It pains me to say it, but frankly it would be something of a travesty of justice were the club to stay up now – are there really three teams who could realistically be considered to be more deserving of the drop than Eddie Gray's side this season?

Doubts still surround the long-term future of the club, with the new board already seemingly struggling with the finances and indications being that a further takeover may well be on the horizon, with Leeds' fan Steve Parkin still rumoured to be interested in buying the club.

With a £15 million loan apparently to be paid back to property tycoon Jack Petchey in July, it's obvious that the likes of Alan Smith (recent comments seem to suggest that his mind is already made up), Mark Viduka, Danny Mills (it’s sometimes easy to forget that he’s still under contract at Elland Road) and Paul Robinson are almost certain to be sold as a consequence.

The current board (at the time of writing) have already stated their intention of drastically cutting the, admittedly excessive, wage bill over the summer (Viduka's departure alone will result in an annual saving of almost £3.5 million in wages). This will naturally result in all the players presently at the club on loan trundling off at the season's end for starters, whilst those out of contract in the next few months will also be seeking employment elsewhere.

Given events at the club in the recent past, I have an uncomfortable feeling that what should be an ideal opportunity to rebuild a new competitive squad will be wasted. The sensible option would be to bring in ambitious players from the Nationwide league, combined with home grown talent and perhaps a couple of loan deals from the Premiership. They’ll need to spend a bit of money of course, but a few names worthy of consideration could include Southampton defenders Fitz Hall and Darren Kenton (particularly if Gordon Strachan is enticed back as manager – Gray simply isn’t up to the top job), Stoke City’s Kris Commons, Crewe Alexandra’s David Wright, Doncaster Rovers’ playmaker Michael McIndoe and Cambridge United’s Luke Guttridge.

Finding relatively cheap replacements for Viduka and Smith certainly won’t be easy, but Preston North End’s Ricardo Fuller, Nottingham Forest’s David Johnson, Swindon Town’s Sam Parkin and Marconi Stallions’ (Australia) young striker Alex Brosque might be worth a look. In terms of the loan signings, why not go all out and make a bid for some of the top youngsters, like Arsenal’s David Bentley and Ryan Garry or Chelsea’s Robert Huth?

However, that doesn't seem to be the Leeds’ way of doing things and the sad reality is that the club will probably look to bring in veteran journeymen on the premise that they're out of contract and that those holding the purse strings will have a vague recognition of their names. What price Keith Gillespie donning a white shirt next season?

David Hulott
27/04/2004

749: NATIONWIDE: Baggies promotion

by : Stephen Orford

It has been one of those weeks for Sunderland Football Club. Firstly, they lose 3-0 to Crystal Palace thus cementing Norwich City's place in next season's Premiership. Then, they follow this up with an utterly banal 0-0 draw at Wigan, finally evaporating their own slim hopes of automatic promotion.

Chief beneficiaries of this result were West Bromwich Albion, for whom the result meant a return to the Premiership without the need to participate in the end of season playoff lottery. In stark contrast to Norwich City before them, Albion's promotion comes only one year after their last flirtation with the big time. Then, they lacked the firepower and the defensive capability to maintain a realistic bid for survival, so will things be different this time around for Gary Megson's men?

At first glance you would say no. Albion still lack the goalscoring threat that proved their undoing last time around as they prepare for a second tilt at establishing themselves in the top tier of the game. Lee Hughes is the club's top scorer in the league with 11 goals and both Jason Koumas and Rob Hulse have weighed in with 10 each. Koumas' contribution is impressive coming as it does from a wide midfield role, but as a team the Baggies still find themselves as low as sixth in the list of the first division's top scorers. They do have the much travelled Geoff Horsfield in support of Hughes and Hulse, but none of those three can truly lay claim to having proved themselves as goal-getters at Premiership level.

There is also room for improvement in midfield. Alongside the impressive Koumas, Mark Kinsella has pleny of Premiership experience but it is questionable whether he still has the legs to take control of the midfield area at the top level. Sean Gregan has long been highly rated but is yet to prove himself at Premiership level also, while the much troubled Ronnie Wallwork was deemed expendable by no less a judge than Sir Alex Ferguson. If they can secure the services of a genuinely creative midfielder before the start of next season things may change, but for now it is difficult to see where the guile and imagination needed to create opportunities against the top sides is going to come from.

Things look a little better in defence, where the Hawthorns club share the first division's best defensive record with Norwich City, having conceded only 35 goals. In Russell Hoult they have a goalkeeper who has long been talked about as a possible England international, and Darren Moore and Phil Gilchrist are players who should be much wiser for their previous experience in the Premiership. However, beyond that the defensive line looks like it will be vulnerable in a league containing some of the best strikers in the world. Manager Gary Megson may not have much money to spend, but what funds are available might most wisely be spent on bringing in an experienced, pacy defender to close the gaps in the Baggies back-line.

Like his counterpart Nigel Worthington at Norwich, Megson can at least take heart from the achievements of other clubs recently promoted from the first division. Emulating Bolton Wanderers, Charlton Athletic, Middlesbrough and great local rivals Birmingham City will be the aim for Megson long term. To establish the club in the higher echelons of the game will initially mean a long, hard struggle against the drop next season. Another relegation will see West Brom labelled as a classic yo-yo club in the Manchester City mould, but this could be the shape of things to come if newly promoted sides continue to adopt a policy of working to a tight budget. West Brom will be hoping to buck that trend as Portsmouth seem to have done this season, but it remains to be seen whether Megson is in the Harry Redknapp class as a wheeler-dealer and motivator.

There will be plenty of fighting spirit within the camp, and like every promoted side they will have their days in the sunshine. Even the doomed Wolverhampton Wanderers managed to pull off a victory against Manchester United this season, but ultimately a team has to prove itself over the course of a gruelling 38-game season. This might just be beyond Albion once more should they fail to bring in enough new faces in the summer, but in the meantime the fans of the club will ensure another memorable season is enjoyed at the Hawthorns.

Stephen Orford
27/04/2004

751: PREMIERSHIP: The end of the ro

by : Chris Sherrard

Every generation comes to end. Every good thing has a conclusion. So is this the end of Sir Alex Ferguson’s run at Old Trafford or will he bounce back next season in the same way he has so many times before? I can’t help thinking that it’s time he came down from his throne and declared his reign over.

There comes a time for everyone when they have to say enough is enough. Manchester United need to shed another skin if they are to come back at Arsenal next season. Every United fan would like to think that Fergie is the man to lead that comeback, there are fewer and fewer convinced that he is.

This season, relatively speaking, has been a forgettable experience at Manchester United. Not only has the team failed to impress but off-field distractions in the form a feud between the manager and a major shareholder have done little to augment an increasingly divided club. Manchester United had, at one stage, became Manchester Divided.

And, while Ferguson’s dispute with John Magnier over a racehorse has dissolved somewhat of late, there can be no doubt that it played a big part in the club’s inability to be as one. On the pitch they suffered from the manager having his eye somewhere else. Infact, there have been very few occasions this season when Manchester United have looked like a brilliant team at the top of their game. They have been able to find themselves in the top three of the table due in part to other teams cancelling each other out and because of their multitude of experience at the top of the Premiership.

The reason they’ve struggled? Well there are some who will argue it’s Beckham’s absence. Others will point to Rio’s forgetfulness. But a strong case can be made for the manager genuinely reaching the end of the line. He is arguably the greatest manager in English football’s history. No one can take away all the league titles and FA Cups and that glorious, unforgettable May night in Barcelona. His past is not in question but his future is. And so it should be. He is at the top to be hit at. Time and time again he has responded in kind.

But it’s different now. Before, when challenged by his rivals, Fergie could throw out a team containing players he knew would not let him down. Slowly and gradually those players are no longer players he knows can do the job. Gone is the English captain, gone soon will be Nicky Butt. The Nevilles and Ryan Giggs have not lit up the league in the way their counterparts at Highbury have. Rumours of a rift with his right-hand man, Roy Keane, have left him even more vulnerable.

Of the players he has brought in of late, the ones to look worthy of playing for the great club have been few. Tim Howard and Ronaldo from the last batch of signings could be deemed a success. And while Forlan, Kleberson, Bellion and Eric Djemba-Djemba are undoubtedly talented players, they are not good enough for Manchester United. Simple as that.

The Manchester United manager will, if you believe the reports, be handed a significant transfer war chest this summer. If Fergie is coming to the end of the line then why not give a new man with a new set of ideas the money? That way the next Old Trafford generation will get the best chance possible.

The ideas in Ferguson’s United this season have been scant, save for the dynamic and clearly blessed touch of Cristiano Ronaldo. The team can’t progress without an injection of freshness, whether that be from a new manager or a lively number two for Fergie.

The era of Sir Matt Busby came to an end. Likewise that of Georgie Best, Bobby Charlton, Bryan Robson and Eric Cantona. The club is, and always will be, bigger than any one individual. Fergie is not a stupid man. His mistakes since he docked at Old Trafford have been few, but they have become more conspicuous in recent years. The biggest mistake he could ever make would be to outstay his welcome. I’m sure he’ll know when the time is right to go. Hopefully, it won’t be because they have become so far behind Arsenal that United fade to obscurity because that really would be the worst way he could leave the club.

Chris Sherrard
27/04/2004

748: PREMIERSHIP: How Liverpool sho

by : Antony Melvin

Modern titles should be won from midfield. Obviously if you have an incredible forward who makes more goals than most players score, and scores more than he makes it damages the argument. But there are so few players of that ilk available. For Liverpool it seems clear that Gerard Houllier will get another year in charge, and it is clear that he needs to strengthen the midfield if he is to break into the top three – which is an essential ambition for any Liverpool manager.

Liverpool have two good goalkeepers, plus effective full-backs. The centre-half partnership of Henchoz and Hyypia is showing signs of decay but if Liverpool get fourth spot they should be in a position to get Phillippe Mexes which will give them a solid base.

Up front mix up Cisse (the leading scorer in France) with any one of Owen, Baros, Pongolle and Heskey and there will be goals scored – even if one of them is released. But only if the midfield can supply the ammunition.

And there lies the major problem with the way Houllier sets out his sides. All the main teams play with three or four players who are prepared to gamble and put in runs past the forwards. Arsenal have Pires, Ljungberg, Vieira and even Ashley Cole constantly looking to break past the forwards. United have Giggs, Scholes, Ronaldo and Fletcher. Chelsea have half the English speaking world available in their midfield. And Liverpool have Steven Gerrard, and when he can be bothered Harry Kewell.

Without Gerrard Liverpool would probably be closer to the relegation zone than European qualification such is his massive ability and influence on the team. Such is his composure and drive most Liverpool fans would rather every other first team player were sold – including Owen – if it meant that Gerrard would stay. The plaudits have this season been lavished on Thierry Henry who is an entire battalion of attacking options, but Gerrard has been the outstanding midfielder without whom Liverpool would be languishing in the lower half of the table.

The real question is where are the three players who are fit to play alongside Gerrard?

Of the available options Dietmar Hamann is too defensive and his pace and presence is on the wane. El Hadji-Diouf has shown good form in patches, but he isn’t a match winner – he’s aggressive and direct but not especially talented. Vladimir Smicer is a clever player but unsuited to the cut and thrust of the Premiership. Danny Murphy may have been the fans player of the year last term, but he has gone backwards this year and isn’t even a fringe England player. He’s busy and tough but fails to look up too often. Salif Diao is fast becoming the new Bernard Diomede. Anthony Le Tallec has time on his side but is not ready. Harry Kewell is great on the highlights – but often lazy when the camera isn’t pointed at him. And Bruno Cheyrou, Chelsea heroics aside, is simply not good enough. This glut of mediocrity is stopping youngsters like John Welsh from being given a chance. Too often Houllier gives yet another chance to a Biscan or a Cheyrou whereas the kids are rarely given a first chance.

The widely reported £30m available for transfers at Anfield is unlikely to be a nett figure. In reality Mexes and Cisse will cost around £20m so to recruit three international quality midfielders on top probably means that £20m will need to be recouped by sales to reduce the deficit to ‘just’ £15m to £20m.

To recoup £20m Houllier should sell a defender, a forward and any of the midfielders (apart from Gerrard) that can command a fee. If that means selling ten average players to bring in five good ones then the club will benefit. Also by reducing the squad size the youth players will get a chance to step forward and stake their claim.

Tinkering at the edges can only get you so far, its time for Liverpool to get radical. Sell half the first team squad, give them away if they can’t be sold and if someone wants Igor Biscan offer to drive him round yourself. And with the money get in some players who both want to play for the Anfield club and are fit to wear the shirt. If Houllier is prepared to make these kind of changes perhaps he is the right man after all to lead Liverpool forward after a couple of rocky seasons. But if he’s not ready for this then he really should step aside. No more mediocrity.

Antony Melvin
26/04/2004

747: EUROPE: The Russians are comin

by : David Hulott

Whilst the vast majority of clubs around the globe have been tightening their belts after years of excessive spending, Russia now seems to be the one country where expenditure on transfers and wages has actually grown in the last couple of years, with money beginning to flow into the domestic game.

After the break-up of the Soviet Union in 1991, many clubs found the going tough financially, with many of the best players leaving for the West. But now, thanks to oil money from oligarchs and corporations, Russian clubs, particularly those in Moscow, are beginning to compete with their European rivals in the transfer market, with well over 100 foreign players now plying their trade in the Russian league, as well as several big name coaches, such as Artur Jorge as CSKA Moscow, Nevio Scala at Spartak Moscow and Roland Courbis at Spartak Alania.

Among the players now playing in Russia are several returning stars, with Dmitry Sytchev now at Lokomotiv Moscow, Viktor Onopko at Saturn Ramenskoye and Andrei Kanchelskis at Dinamo Moscow. The foreign legion includes a number of Brazilian players, with 32-year old striker Catanha, who joined Krylia Sovetov Samara from Deportivo La Coruna, probably the best known.

The performances of Lokomotiv Moscow in the Champions League this season were evidence that Russian clubs are now capable of competing at the highest level, having come through a group that included Arsenal, Inter Milan and Dinamo Kyiv, before bowing out on away goals to Monaco in the last 16.

Even so, the team to watch in next season’s competition may well be CSKA Moscow, historically the army club of Russia. Former Portugal coach Jorge was put in charge of team affairs after the domestic title holders were dumped out of the Champions League by Macedonia’s Vardar Skopje in their opening qualifier, leading to the dismissal of coach Valery Gazzayev.

Having twice broken the domestic transfer record in the signings of Czech international playmaker Jiri Jarosik (£2.6 million from Sparta Prague) and Croatian striker Ivica Olic (£3.5 million from Dinamo Zagreb), Gazzayev’s position became untenable after such an embarrassing defeat. A further indication of the ability of the Russians to compete in the transfer market was that Olic was signed despite interest from Juventus and Dynamo Kyiv on a four-year contract worth £570,000 per year.

In March CSKA announced a $54 million three-year sponsorship deal with oil giant Sibneftbon, making them the third Moscow side to be funded by Russian oil giants (Spartak are backed by LUKOIL, while Dinamo are sponsored by YUKOS). CSKA club President Yevgeny Giner is a close friend of the former Sibneft boss, a certain Roman Abramovich, and there is speculation that the Chelsea owner may have had a hand in the deal, especially as he has been a guest of Giner at recent games in Russia.

Already in 2004, CSKA have added to their already strong squad with the signings of Russian international defenders Sergei Ignashevich from Lokomotiv and Yevgeny Aldonin from Rotor Volgograd, as well as Brazilian under-23 striker Daniel Carvalho, 21-year old midfielder Omar Ferreira from River Plate in Argentina for about £2.7 million and Nigerian defender Chidi Odia from Moldova’s Sheriff Tiraspol.

Given the lack of cash available elsewhere in the game these days, the Russian league could soon be providing serious challengers for the top honours in Europe. CSKA are certainly a team that many will want to avoid in next season’s Champions League.

David Hulott
24/04/2004

746: PREMIERSHIP: Arsenal are worth

by : Antony Melvin

As Manchester United and Chelsea start to drop points like they are going out of fashion Arsenal have crossed the winning line in the style of a marathon runner who is too far ahead of a lacklustre field. Arsenal can only beat what is put in front of them – and they have beaten them well – put the feeling persists that this wasn’t a vintage year, in terms of quality, for English football.

Arsenal have won the league without being beaten, for prides sake they should avoid defeat for the final three weeks of the season, but even if they are subsequently beaten it is of little matter. And that may be part of the problem. In the league Arsenal have rarely had to show their mettle and come back from behind, they have been so rarely troubled that in the two games late in the season where they were pressurised they failed to live up to the hype. Perhaps in a tougher campaign they would have won those games and immortalised themselves.

So the Premiership this season is very average. In title terms only two other teams were remotely competitive, and they will amass a respectable number of points. But Arsenal have not had to raise their game too high in order to see off the other seventeen teams, which does put a small dampener on their achievement. Arsenal have played Manchester United and Chelsea 8 times this season and won only twice with four draws and two defeats. But against all other domestic teams (with the honourable exception of home and away wins for Middlesbrough in the Carling Cup) Arsenal have been dominant. Arsenal have succeeded by beating the also-rans – a technique that used to a Manchester United trademark.

Arsenal have been beguiling and brilliant at times this season. But it is evident that the high velocity football that they put together in most games gives them a 15-20 minute period in the first half when they look like scoring at will. This dominance is too often followed by a second half torpor. To use a boxing analogy this seems very like the dope-a-rope fight where world champion George Foreman seemingly battered Mohammed Ali in the first half of the ‘rumble in the jungle’ only to find he was exhausted and eventually knocked out. Arsenal risk being the dope more often than most people realise.

Whilst the core of Arsenal’s team retain their youth and ability this team strategy can continue to bear fruit. But the core of the team is ageing. Henry (who is 27 in the summer) is the youngest of the four core players, plus Campbell (29), Pires (30) and Vieira (27), who are all at their peak and dominating the performances of the team. To break up this quartet is to damage the short-term of the club, but to let them age together is to weaken the medium term. An ability to solve conundrums like this is the reason why brilliant managers like Arsene Wenger are paid so much. After seeing Wenger eke out the dying embers of their totemic defence, for several years longer than Sir Alex Ferguson would have done at Old Trafford, the chances are that the quartet will play together for the next four years and then Wenger will deal with the problem. So retaining the title is distinctly achievable.

So if Arsenal’s title is not the joyous, rancorous celebration it might have been it is because it comes on a hot spring day and has been expected for weeks. The sense of occasion is not there, there is no last day drama to put the fans on the edge of their seats. This season feels so very processional. But that isn’t Arsenal’s fault. Arsenal are the best team even if they have been denied greatness by the mediocrity of others.

Antony Melvin
25/04/2004

745: PREMIERSHIP: Pleat must go for

by : David Hulott

After yet another season in which Tottenham have failed to make any impact on the top six in the Premiership, it is imperative that the club ensure that the coming summer break is used effectively if they are to have any hope of re-establishing themselves among the elite of English football.

There is certainly plenty of scope for improvement at White Hart Lane, with the need to find someone to fill the long-vacant managerial role, bringing some balance to a squad that is lacking in every department aside from the forward line and offloading a hefty percentage of players who are either too old or simply not capable of performing at the highest level all requiring imminent action.

The managerial situation has become somewhat farcical since the departure of Glenn Hoddle, with the board being linked with some of the highest profile names in the game, seemingly blissfully unaware that the likes of Jose Mourinho, Martin O’Neill, Roberto Mancini, Alan Curbishley and Giovanni Trapattoni are hardly likely to be champing at the bit at the prospect of working with Gary Doherty or Goran Bunjevcevic. It also has to be doubted whether too many British managers will be particularly keen on having to go through Director of Football, David Pleat, rather than dealing directly with the board in terms of transfers, as is the tradition here.

The club have long since stated that they know who the new manager will be, although their refusal to make the name public suggests that this may not be completely true or that it will be someone who won’t meet with the universal approval of the fans - better to wait until the season is over to avoid any embarrassing demonstrations at the ground perhaps?

The signs suggest that the most likely incumbent of the manager’s office next season is Raddy Antic, taking into account his availability and the fact that he has previously played under Pleat at Luton Town, albeit a couple of decades back. It would appear that the board have put themselves in a position where they have to appoint someone on the basis of their willingness to work with Pleat, rather than simply selecting the best man for the job. Surely it would be more sensible to simply dismiss Pleat and start afresh? Antic’s recent stint at Celta Vigo in La Liga doesn’t bode particularly well, given that he spent just two months at the helm before leaving, having steered an already struggling side into the relegation zone.

On the playing front, the squad is in desperate need of a major shake-up if they are to have any hope of challenging for a place in Europe. There seems little future at the club for Sergei Rebrov, who has spent the season on loan at Fenerbahce in Turkey, so he’ll almost certainly to be heading off. Stephen Carr (with just one-year left on his contract), Christian Ziege, Bunjevcevic, Dean Richards, Doherty, Jamie Redknapp, Darren Anderton, Rohan Ricketts (who appears to have a disciplinary problem within the club), Gus Poyet and, possibly, Helder Postiga (in danger of being cast as the “new Rebrov”) could well all join him, while Stephane Dalmat looks highly unlikely to turn his loan deal from Inter Milan into anything more permanent.

There has been plenty of speculation as to who might be moving to North London over the summer, with Paul Robinson, Mark van Bommel, Andy Reid and Bixente Lizarazu all being linked on a regular basis. Whether these are players who will make any significant improvement to the team has to be doubted. Robinson (who was on the verge of joining the club in January) is a fine keeper in terms of reflexes, but fails to command his penalty area, Van Bommel has never really developed as had been expected, Reid might be worth a gamble (although he seems somewhat overpriced) and Lizarazu is not only in his mid-30’s, but will prove very costly in terms of wages.

On the subject of signings, it would be interesting to know who decided upon the signing of Jermain Defoe and the bid for Robinson in the last transfer window? Did the “new man” have a say, or was it Pleat who went to the board with his own personal wish list? The assumption must be the latter, especially given the precedence of last summer when Glenn Hoddle was given substantial funds, only to be fired so soon into the current campaign. Not a decision that suggests much forward planning.

It’s unquestionably going to be an interesting summer at the Lane, but I’ve an uneasy feeling that it may prove to be an ultimately disappointing one for the long suffering fans.

David Hulott
25/04/2004

744: Harry Flatcap - My life #2

by : Steve Heald

Martin: I’m not sure if he’s hungry for the fight or just plain hungry. It looks like he’s trying to get a takeaway!
Sturrock is in the ring flicking through the Yellow Pages frantically searching for a fast food outlet.
Andy: He better channel that hunger to his fists or Fergie will chew him up and spit him out.
The bell rings for action and Sturrock boots Fergie in the crown jewels. Fergie falls to the ground in a heap.
Andy: Talk about the money shot! Not many people will get up from that.
Sturrock soaks up the applause as a strange figure is seen bursting down the ramp.
Martin: Oh no … It’s Aberdeen’s legendary captain Willie Miller here to help his former mentor Ferguson.
Miller jumps into the ring and lunges two-footed on Sturrock from behind.
Andy: Referee!!! … Oh I forgot we haven’t got a referee tonight.
Martin: Poor Luggy just got pummelled from behind by the former Scotland defender.
Suddenly Jim McClean storms the ring and turns his attention on his former adversary Ferguson. McClean picks him up and unloads with a devastating flurry of body blows, winding Fergie.
Martin: This is pure madness. Fergie and Sturrock have only been in the ring for under a minute but already it seems like they’ve spent 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
Willie Miller then dives on McClean and grapples him to the concrete floor.
Andy: What an action packed brawl we’ve had so far and Fergie hasn’t even thrown a teacup in anger!
Suddenly four men are seen sprinting to the ring, former goalkeepers Jim Leighton, Fabien Barthez, Mark Bosnich, and Massimo Tiabi.
Andy: I’ve a feeling Fergie has some more business to deal with.
Bosnich and Barthez lay into their old boss as Leighton gives Sturrock a kick out of the ring. Bosnich then holds Ferguson up while Leighton, Tiabi, and Barthez take turns in attacking the Manchester United supremo.
Martin: This is totally uncalled for. Yeah, sure, have two on one, or three on one, but not four on one!
Out of nowhere The Welsh Wizard Ryan Giggs waltzes to the ring and leads a merry dance around all four goalkeepers.
Martin: Look at that. All four of them are trying to keep their eyes on Giggs but he’s so quick he’s left them all tied up.
Andy: Except Leighton … he’s still moving.
Leighton then unexpectedly crashes into the ring post and cracks his head open.
Martin: Whoops … I think some of that Vaseline dripped into his eyes and blinded him!
Sturrock slowly climbs back into the ring munching on another hamburger as Willie Miller exits the arena dragging Jim McClean up the ramp. Fergie’s still down and looks in really bad shape. Giggs tries to bring him round.
All of a sudden another two figures are seen brawling down to ringside.
Andy: Oh no … It’s only flipping Craig David and Mick Hucknell. What on Earth do they want?
Martin: Hopefully they’re not going to perform a duet!
Craig David grabs hold of the microphone.
Craig: Can I get a reeee-wwwinnnnd?
The stadium falls into a hushed silence.
Craig: OK … sod ya. I’m here to prove old ginger minger here Hucknall that I am the new super stud on the market. So girls if you’d like a Saint in your bed give me a reeeee-wwwwind!
The females in the crowd now swoon for the Southampton fan.
Craig: Or if you would like to go to bed with somebody older and uglier than Charlie Dimmock, scream now.
There’s a huge scream from one person in the crowd.
Craig: Mother, behave! … Well I win.
Suddenly Charlie Dimmock leaps over the security barrier and pulls Craig David down to the ground.
Martin: I think that Craig David has really put his foot in it this time!
Dimmock and Hucknall attack David on the concrete outside as Fergie stumbles to his feet.
Andy: Oh my … what character and strength. Fergie’s back on his feet!
Fergie looks outside and sees Dimmock, Hucknall and Craig David brawling on the floor and jumps out of the ring.
Andy: What is he going to do here?
Fergie grabs Dimmock and throws her to the back of the stadium. Then he picks up Hucknall and boots his backside out of St Mary’s before stomping on Craig David until the pencil-bearded rat is no more.
Martin: Fergie is in one hell of a foul mood. I wouldn’t want to be in Sturrock’s position now.
All of a sudden another two men fly down the ramp.
Andy: Oh I’m not sure about that. Magnier and JP McManus have shown up.
Martin: You what? Fergie’s days on this planet are over. They may have patched up their differences but these two will always want Fergie out.
Andy: Aye and what better way to do so than now in Premiership Managers Brawl?
Fergie looks on broken hearted as he sees the two shareholders run to the ring. Giggs runs up and tries to stop them but Magnier boots Giggs in the face and leaves him tumbling out of the ring.
Andy: Giggs is down … and that leaves Fergie alone against these two brutes.
Fergie stands up to the pair of them but between them they force Fergie into the corner and McManus pulls out a pair of handcuffs and locks Fergie to the top turnbuckle.
Andy: Oh my … talk about a hard luck story. Fergie is all hung up with no where to go.
Martin: Except to meet the Grim Reaper. They are going to destroy him.
Sturrock meanwhile is outside the ring tucking in to his sixth burger of the night as McManus and Magnier unload on a defenceless Ferguson.
Suddenly a group of men burst down to the ring.
Andy: Who else wants to have a go? This is terrible. Talk about booting a man when he’s down.
Martin: It’s worse than that … it’s only his managerial colleagues. This is outrageous. Couldn’t they wait to face him one on one to destroy him instead of all ganging up on him.
Arsene Wenger, Claudio Ranieri, Sam Allardyce, Bobby Robson, and Graeme Souness all dive under the bottom rope and storm the ring to a crescendo of boos from the Southampton fans.
Martin: Even the home fans don’t want to see Fergie go out like this.
McManus and Magnier turn around and smile and pave the way for the gang of five to have a free punch on Fergie.
Andy: Somebody get in there and help him!
Arsene Wenger steps up and moves towards Ferguson.
Martin: Typical. You just knew Wenger would want to go first.
Wenger puts his hands around Fergie’s neck and whispers into his ears.
Andy: Come off it Arsene … this is no time for sly insults.
Suddenly Fergie’s hands come loose from the handcuffs and he slumps to the floor.
Andy: What? What’s going on?
Martin: Judging by the looks on McManus and Magnier faces that wasn’t meant to happen.
McManus pushes Wenger.
McManus: What are you playing at?
Wenger: Do you really think we are going to stoop to that level to rid the Premiership of Sir Alex? You’re wrong. We’d rather defeat him in the true nature of the game and not just so you could finally get somebody else in. Get out of my face!
With that the gang of five jump McManus and Magnier much to the surprise of the Southampton crowd and Alex Ferguson.
Martin: This is unbelievable. Fergie was there for the taking but they decided to do it the fair and honest way … in the ring on one on one competition.
The gang of five rip the two United shareholders to pieces as the camera turns to Sturrock again, tucking into another burger with fries.
Martin: What is it with Luggy? He can’t stop eating!
Andy: Yeah but look at the size of him. He looks like the Michelin man!
Fergie staggers to his feet and spots Sturrock trying to get back into the ring. He rolls outside and sizes up the Saints boss.
Martin: What on earth is Fergie going to do here?
All of a sudden Fergie runs at Sturrock, dives on him, and pierces him up against the ring steps. There’s a huge explosion as Sturrock bursts into a million pieces.
Martin: Urgh, I’ve got Sturrock’s belly button on my chin.
Andy: You got his belly button. I shudder to think what I’ve got dripping from my nose!
Sturrock has literally exploded and his body parts have spread amongst the whole crowd.
Martin: Well Fergie has joined Big Sam Allardyce in the semi finals but will he ever be the same again after this torrid affair? Make sure that you tune in in a fortnights time, as we’ll be back with another awesome fight as Chelsea’s Mr Tinkerman Claudio Ranieri takes on Newcastle’s Sir Bobby Robson.
Andy: Until then fight fans make sure you don’t eat too much!
“I wasn’t particularly interested in school, hence the complete lack of official qualifications when I finally was free of the education system. Needless to say, I can claim to be educated through the school of life. The only subject I excelled in was games, particularly when the opportunity arose for me to shove on my ‘Jackie Milburn Blunderbuss Shothammer’ oxen tan coloured football boots (I was the Alan Ball of my day strutting around with those on, I can tell you) and force two very large paperback books (usually school text books) down the front of my socks. It was football time and I loved every second of my first organised games. The puddle of filth that was the pitch; the ball weighing more than the average planet; the fact that the game was much more vicious in those days. However I was aggrieved when in my final year my sportsmaster Mr. Dratsab condemned my aggressive approach to school football.

‘Young Flatcap seems blissfully unaware that the code of conduct he applies to the football field expired in 1897. Despite constant warnings the technique known as hacking still exists within Flatcaps interpretation of the rules, certain tackles I have witnessed by the young man seem to border on the realms of criminal assault and a custodial sentence rather than a mere booking often seems a more appropriate punishment. I envisage a world 30 years from now where such characteristics will be an advantage in certain walks of life. Therefore rather than the football career Flatcap dreams of I see him working as a doorman at a dance meeting, a minder for a gentleman of underworld repute, or even possibly a career in the police force.’

How wrong can Mr. Dratsab be! It is my great regret that he never lived to see me embark on a successful football career. It is also my great regret he didn’t survive a rather high but characteristically enthusiastic challenge during the staff v. pupils end of term match as I’m sure he would have spoken up for me at the inquest which subsequently would have seen me avoid a year in Borstal. But that year is another story in it’s own right, hopefully to be sold to a tabloid for the highest bid.

Once out of Borstal I quickly obtained my lucky break. A local non-league side, Bramwich Albion, were holding trials for all the 16 year old boys in the neighbourhood. It was your traditional football trial in those days: 50 a side, with about 70 boys offered an apprenticeship in the hope that all the boys with a modicum of talent were swiftly tied down to the club. I was fortunate to be on the winning side, but that was understandable as I’d decided I would make a name for myself by taking out as many of the opposition as possible.

The pitch looked like a battleground by the end of the 90 minutes and my team had won handsomely. It helped that only 5 hardy souls were left playing against my team of 50, the rest had disappeared thanks to some resolute play by yours truly. You may feel cold to know I was playing so dirtily but it was a hard game then and you didn’t survive unless you were able to beat the living s**t out of the competition.

Fortunately Bramwich Albion were hoping to follow the success Major Frank Buckley had as manager of Wolves with his tough direct style of play. A retired SAS commando named Colonel Johnny Stifftache had been appointed and in me he saw a kindred spirit, his lieutenant on the field. At the age of 16 I was straight into the first team and within a year I was captain.

Unfortunately by the time I was 18 we had been compulsorily closed down by the FA, under the instruction of Scotland Yard who were on the verge of arresting us all due to a number of controversial instances happening in our games.

However it did bring me to the attention of Wolves, and my league career had begun.

Steve Heald
21/04/2004

743: Premiership managers brawl: Si

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Welcome to the sold out St Mary’s Stadium in Southampton for the most anticipated Premiership Manager Brawl so far as new Saints boss Paul Sturrock renews old rivalries with Manchester United’s legendary manager Alex Ferguson. With me at the commentary table as ever is Andy Gray.
Andy Gray: What a prospect we have in store tonight. It’s been almost 20 years since these two last crossed paths North of the border but I’m sure they unfinished business to attend to.
Martin: For those of you too young to remember, Alex Ferguson was the manager of Aberdeen and Paul Sturrock was an inspirational member of the Dundee United and, between them, managed to break the stranglehold of power on Scottish football by beating the Old Firm regularly and running away with the silverware.
Andy: And it wasn’t just domestically that they turned on the style. Aberdeen lifted the European Cup Winners Cup in 1983 after beating Real Madrid 2-1 and the Super Cup the following year …
Martin: The only Scottish club to win two European trophies.
Andy: Yeah and Dundee United also managed to reach the Uefa Cup final in 1987 but unfortunately came home empty handed.
Martin: Of course Ferguson left the Dons in 86 to take over at Old Trafford and after a brief barren spell he picked up the FA cup and the rest as they say is history.
Andy: Well as the regulars will know it should have been Gordon Strachan here tonight, after destroying Pompey’s Harry Redknapp, but the former Leeds and Manchester United midfielder decided to quit the game for health reasons.
Martin: So instead we have the new Saints boss and inexperienced fighter Paul Sturrock in to replace him and talk about jumping out of the fire and into the frying pan ... he couldn’t have been drawn against anybody harder than the teacup throwing fiery Scot.
Andy: It’s definitely a tough one for Luggy but he’s going to have to overcome it otherwise he will go down as one of the shortest serving managers in history.
Martin: Down in the tunnel right now we have Chris Kamara talking to the man who unleashed Luggy on the football world, former Dundee United manager Jim McClean. Now Chris please be careful. We all know Big Jim has a short fuse.
Kamara: Jim, it’s a pleasure to have you here but lets get straight to the matter at hand. Who do you think Paul will cope tonight against Fergie?
McClean: Are you stupid? I told you not to ask me that question. What did you ask me that question for?
Kamara: Well that’s the reason we are all here tonight, isn’t it?
McClean: Don’t get cheeky with me you little punk.
McClean then walks out of camera shot and you can hear the sound of McClean knocking Kamara’s lights out.
Andy: Well it’s good to see that he has controlled his temper!
Martin: Sorry Kam!
Andy: I used to play for Dundee United you know.
Martin: Christ, you’ve had more clubs than Tiger Woods!
Andy: There’s another similarity between these two bosses they’ve both been troubled with heart trouble. Anything could go off tonight.
Martin: Well there’s so much we could highlight about these two men but we must move on as the fighters are chomping at the bit so without further to do let’s head straight down to ringside for the all important ring introductions.
Ring announcer: Laaaaddddiiiieeesss and gennnnntttllleemmeeennn. It’s ssssshhhhhhooowwww ttttiiimmmmmeee! … Introducing first, representing the Saints, weighing in at a whopping 17 stones, and standing 5ft 10, and wearing the red and white home strip of Southampton, it’s the one, the ONLY … Ppppaauuuulll ‘The Puuuuunnnnniiissshhheeerrrr’ Stuuuuuurrrrrrrooooccckk.
Sturrock pulls back the curtains and receives a hero’s welcome as ‘The Saints Go Marching In’ beats out of the stadiums PA system as he walks down the ramp tucking into a huge beef burger and fries.
Ring announcer: And introducing his challenger, representing Manchester United, weighing in at 16 stones and standing 6ft tall, wearing the Manchester United white away strip, it’s ‘The Fearless One’ Sir Alllleeeeexxx Ferrrrrrrrrggguuuusssooonn.
The fans turn up the volume a notch as they boo and jeer the Glaswegian as he strolls down to the ring, chewing gum at a furious pace, to the sound of The Sex Pistols ‘Anarchy In The UK’.
Andy: Sturrock looks hungry for this one.

741: NATIONWIDE: Norwich may well s

by : Stephen Orford

After nine years of exile Norwich City finally secured a return to top flight football last night (April 21). Sunderland's 3-0 defeat to Crystal Palace ensured automatic promotion for the Canaries who can now look forward to planning their trips to Old Trafford, Highbury, Anfield and the like.

As is always the case when a first division team gains promotion to the elite, questions are immediately asked about their chances of survival the following season. Almost immediately after their runaway success in last year's first division Portsmouth were installed among the favourites for the drop from the Premiership. Though it has proved to be every bit the struggle the bookmakers predicted, Portsmouth may yet escape that fate. So, can the Norfolk outfit follow suit and give themselves a chance to defy the doomsayers?

A quick look at their current squad suggests that Delia is going to have to open her purse. The star of this current squad is 13-goal striker Darren Huckerby. Discarded by both Leeds United and Manchester City at Premiership level, Huckerby looks to be the archetypal first division striker who is destined to not quite make the grade at the top level. Though he is blessed with searing pace, thirteen goals is still a modest return in a league clearly lacking the quality on offer in the Premiership. City are certainly going to have to find a striker who can score more than 13 times in the league to ensure their survival, and it is unlikely that Huckerby is that man.

Despite the lack of that much sought after 20-goals a season man, one of the strengths of this team is that the goals seem to be spread around. Only East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town have scored more goals in the Nationwide League first division this season. There have been useful if not exactly earth shattering goal contributions from the likes of Leon McKenzie and Matthias Svensson, whose Premiership experience might prove invaluable next term. However, it is in defence that Norwich have been a cut above their league rivals this year.

With only 34 goals against Norwich have the meanest defence in the division. Marshalled by a goalkeeper fresh from an England call-up in Robert Green, a defence that includes captain Adam Drury and Scottish international Malkie McKay has been difficult to break down all season. Similar solidity will be vital to their chances of staying at the Premiership party come the start of the 2005/06 season but they will be all too aware of the challenge that awaits them. It is one thing being able to keep the best that the first division has to offer at bay, and quite another to thwart the raids of Henry, Van Nistelrooy, Shearer and Owen.

Norwich can certainly gain some inspiration from the achievements of other, similar sized clubs after promotion from the first division. Not all are doomed to a return from whence they came as the likes of Charlton Athletic, Birmingham City and Bolton Wanderers have shown. Those clubs should realistically be the models used by Canaries boss Nigel Worthington in planning the future of the club. Though it is nice to be nostalgic, it is best to forget about the club's achievements at home and abroad during their last stint in the Premiership, for now at least. Then, they challenged Manchester United and Aston Villa for the first ever Premiership title before eventually finishing a remarkable third, and in the following season conquered mighty Bayern Munich on their own patch in the UEFA Cup.

Such heady days may yet return to Carrow Road, but will only do so with sensible and careful planning. They will also need some shrewd spending and a huge amount of commitment, effort and in all probability good fortune.

Stephen Orford
22/04/2004

742: AMERICAN SOCCER: Much Adu abou

by : Ashley Michael

If the name Freddy Adu means nothing to you then take it on board now. At the tender age of fourteen he is the great hope of American soccer, a wonderkid who was the best paid player in Major League Soccer even before he made his debut. He has already been described as the new Pele, hardly damning him with faint praise, and has had offers from the likes of Manchester United, Real Madrid and Inter. He has, however, turned these down in order to begin his career in the USA.

It is a decision that makes sense, not just for Adu but also for the MLS. Despite the success of the national team, reaching the quarter finals of the last World Cup before unluckily losing to Germany, football (or soccer) has yet to really take off in the USA. It is a story familiar to many of the ‘lesser’ leagues – fans preferring to watch the higher standards of the top European league on satellite television and players aiming to get noticed and get out. Freddy Adu might just help change all that.

For the first time there is a genuine interest in the MLS. The so-called ‘Freddy effect’ has seen a dramatic increase in both crowds and media interest and the American obsession with winners now has a footballer to focus on. All this despite the fact that Adu has, unsurprisingly, yet to achieve anything of note.

By beginning his career in the MLS Adu will get the chance to play regular first team football straight away, something that simply would not happen in Europe. For all his obvious talents, he still has much to learn and playing against more experienced players will help him achieve this. In a year or two, when he has become accustomed to centre halves wrestling him off the ball and giving him a sly kick when the referee is not looking, it will be time to move on and to better himself in a league of a higher standard.

For the sake of football in America it is important for the MLS to make the most of what they have, while they still have it. They need to make sure that children that come one week to watch Freddy Adu play will return the next week to watch the likes of Landon Donovan and DaMarcus Beasley. Both players excelled at the World Cup but have not since moved to bigger clubs and the return of Donovan, after several unproductive seasons in Germany with Leverkusen, was seen as a major coup for the MLS. Being brought up on football of a higher standard, the next generation of American players will need to be that much better, hopefully producing talent good enough to go abroad and make an impact, something only really achieved so far by the goalkeepers Friedel, Keller and Howard.

Whether Freddy Adu will become the new Pele very much remains to be seen. His talents are there for all to see but the football landscape is scattered with the wreckage of so many ‘next big things’. Consider some of English football’s brightest talents of the past few years: Joe Cole has made little impact at Chelsea, Wayne Rooney has struggled for form all season and Francis Jeffers is seemingly unwanted by two different clubs at once. While Adu seems to possess the maturity that the likes of Paul Gascoigne have always lacked (he has already mastered giving the press utterly banal quotes about how he just wants the team to succeed), there will come a time when he will be tempted by all that being a star offers. How he deals with temptation will be the making or breaking of him. One thing, however, is already clear. In football terms he is not yet a star. In the eyes of America, however, he most definitely is.

Ashley Michael
20/04/2004

739: CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Ranieri beco

by : Tim Heming

Under-fire Chelsea boss Claudio Ranieri chose the most important match of their whole season to feed his addiction for change and left Blues fans and neutral observers alike bamboozled by his second half tinkering exploits; a Claude Makelele inspired Monaco putting his star-studded line-up to the sword.

But why?

· Did Claude Makelele embarrass himself, his manager and his whole club by cowardly going to ground in the six-yard box to get Vassilis Zikos sent-off. In those few seconds, the ten men were fired by the injustice, and the depth of warmth from the neutrals hoping for Chelsea success because of the way Ranieri had been treated by his board all but evaporated.

· Did Ranieri replace Jesper Gronjkaer at half-time with Juan Sebastian Veron? The Argentine failed to break from a stroll for the entire second period, had barely played for months, looked clearly unfit and was favoured in front of a lively Joe Cole, who as a late substitute had inspired the success against Arsenal in the last round.

· Did Ranieri then remove Mario Melchiot replace him with Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink? Admirable to seize the initiative and look for the second away goal with the opposition down to ten-men, but the three up front policy resulted with Hasselbaink being forced out to play wide as an auxiliary right-winger with Scott Parker forced into fullback until such time as he was replaced by Huth.

· But why did Ranieri even bring on the giant German Robert Huth to play at fullback? The massive centre-half was asked to provide width on the right, which he was clearly uncomfortable with, and with a right flank of Hasselbaink and Huth and a left flank of the fitful Veron and Wayne Bridge - who must have wondered if he was the only one trying as he bombed past the little witch going one way and then jogged past him getting back. Plus with Monaco’s attacking threat almost entirely reliant on the quick breaks of Ludovic Giuly and more latterly Shabani Nonda, did the situation really call for another towering defender to play alongside John Terry and Marcel Desailly?

From a one-all scoreline, an important away goal, an extra man advantage and the majority of the play, Chelsea’s boss systematically removed the personnel his side needed in order to stretch the game with width and make use of their advantage. Barring a second-leg reprieve at Stamford Bridge this could well be the moment that the tinker man finally tinkered himself out of his job.

Tim Heming
21/04/2004

Rejected headline: I’ve had a S-Tinker Man!

740: CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Chelsea dive

by : Stephen Orford

Forget about the 'whys', the 'hows' and the 'do you mind if I don'ts' of Chelsea's Champions' League aspirations after their semi final first leg defeat in Monaco last night (April 20). The real issue to emerge from proceedings during the West London club's 3-1 reverse was that of diving, or simulation to give it its official title.

Claude Makalele's theatrical plunge to the turf led to the dismissal of Monaco's Greek midfielder Zikos, but it should have also led to Makalele's own exit from the fray. Admittedly, the referee had no option but to despatch Zikos from the field of play. Raising one's hands in the modern game is striclty forbidden, and it is clear that Zikos offered the Chelsea midfielder a little slap around the head after a quite meaningless tussle inside the Monaco six-yard box. However, this does little or nothing to excuse the lamentable behaviour of Makalele thereafter.

Leaving aside the fact that Makalele may or may not have given Zikos a clip round the ear initially, his reaction to the contact from Zikos was nothing short of disgraceful and frankly, embarrassing. The former Real Madrid man took at least two steps forward after the clash, before quickly taking a glance around the field to find the referee. Once he had located the whistle blower, he collapsed to the floor as if he had been shot by a sniper in the crowd. The blow carried as much aggression as a Quinton Hann snooker match, but this did not stop Makalele from writhing around like an extra in a Madonna video. He was booked for his part in the whole facade and that yellow card will now mean that he will miss the all-important second leg, but he should surely have followed his opponent down the tunnel.

That Chelsea seemed to fall apart after the sending off was almost karma. With Claudio Ranieri at his most manic in the tinkering department his side lost all sense of shape and purpose. However, it has not always been the case that those guilty of extreme play-acting have suffered a similar fate. Robert Pires' basketball-style initiation of contact with a Portsmouth defender at Highbury is one of the main reasons why Arsenal remain unbeaten throughout the season so far. Most observers at that game suggested that Pompey deserved to win, but they were denied by what some might call cleverness, and others would call cheating.

Along with Pires, other stars such as Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Michael Owen and even the Sainted Alan Shearer have all been known to take the odd tumble in the vicinity of the penalty area. All of which makes the job of referees all the more difficult. This is particularly evident when, as in the case of Pires against Portsmouth, forwards engineer more and more clever ways in which to con the referee into making a bad decision. So, should we be accepting this as clever attacking play as they do in basketball, or lamenting the passing of fair play in the beautiful game once and for all?

Perhaps the only way to stamp out this kind of behaviour is to stiffen the punishments against the guilty parties. If players were given red cards for their outrageous dying swan performances in and around the penalty area instead of mere yellows, then perhaps they would change their approach. A straight red card carries a three-game ban, and this would surely be a good enough deterrent. A player may then be able to win his side an all-important penalty when in a tight situation, but he would also have to think about the consequences of his actions. His team might not fare so well in the three games they would play without him, and so that player may decide that the gamble is not a worthy one.

Implementing this is going to be difficult. It is rare that referees actually pick up on an elaborate dive by an attacking player, and it is usually the defender who sees red. It may be that we will finally have to embrace the notion of video replays for determining the outcome of clashes in and around the penalty area. If this could be done quickly and effectively it would not harm the flow of the game and would offer a quick and simple restart. If a player is found guilty of diving then he is removed from proceedings and a free-kick given to the defending team. If it is deemed to be a foul on further inspection then the consequences are obvious.

Others may have a different view on how best to deal with the divers and simulators of the modern game, but few could argue that the game could do without the sort of unedifying sight on offer last night. I bet poor old Claude is still rubbing his neck.

Stephen Orford
21/04/2004

738: PREMIERSHIP: Manchester City s

by : Stephen Orford

Every year they say it. Every year the pundits sit on their studio sofas predicting that one big fish will slide down the league table and end up in an undignified and embarrassing relegation scrap. Last season it was Leeds United's fall from grace which saw them unexpectedly in the mire, and this year we have seen both Blackburn Rovers and Manchester City come perilously close to leaving the Premiership via the trap door.

Leeds United's subsequent struggles this year have come as no surprise. With no money and no squad left they were always going to find it tough to survive. Meanwhile, victories for Blackburn over Leicester City and Fulham recently have seen them drag themselves away from the relegation zone. That they should have relegation worries of any kind in April is a surprise in itself after their impressive European qualification season last year, but it is the plight of Manchester City that has perhaps been even more surprising.

With just four games remaining City look in grave danger of re-capturing their unwanted yo-yo tag of recent years. Hopes were high that they had shed that reputation under the stewardship of Kevin Keegan. Pop-singing, German-speaking former England manager Keegan has spent large sums of money in a bid to put City up there with the big boys. While the likes of Birmingham City, Aston Villa and Charlton concern themselves with European qualification rather than relegation having spent very little, big-spending City are looking over the edge of the cliff into the abyss.

In have come star names like former Liverpool quartet and prolific under-achievers Nicolas Anelka, Steve McManaman, Robbie Fowler, and previously relegated English international David James. Add the experience of the likes of Michael Tarnat, Claudio Reyna and that other relegation old-hand Trevor Sinclair and City have an impressive squad on paper. Unfortunately for City, not many teams play their football on paper and a series of dismal displays have seen City slide to within two points of the dreaded relegation zone. Saturday's visit to Leicester City now takes on mammoth proportions for both sides in what some pundit or other will no doubt refer to as a 'six pointer'.

Though Kevin Keegan will be disappointed to learn should they win that victory has only earned his side three points, it is vital to their survival in the top league. It will create a 9-point gap between them and Leicester City, a situation which would all but bring about the certain doom of the Walkers Stadium outfit. However, should City suffer a reverse against their relegation rivals the gap between the two sides will be reduced to only 3 points and the nerves at the City of Manchester Stadium will be not so much jangling as rattling uncontrollably.

Most observers of City this year seem to point to Keegan's stubborn unwillingness to defend as the major contributor to their troubles. He received the same criticism in his managerial spells both at Newcastle United and at international level with England, and it is fair to say that the mark of his teams is that they are somewhat overloaded with attacking potential. The problem this year for City is that their attacking potential has not quite been fulfilled. Week after week the manager, the players and the fans talk of how unlucky they were not to come away with a result in the Premiership, while lamenting their defensive naivities. Since it is far too late to start tinkering with systems and defensive schemes at this stage of the season, Keegan has to hope that the attacking flair in his team finally begins to fire.

All of this is a far cry from the events just over a month ago at the City of Manchester Stadium. Then, they welcomed cross-city rivals and multiple champions United to their new home and sent them packing with a fine display of attacking football. That 4-1 win has to be considered the highlight of a bizarre and depressing season for City. Though the form of youngsters like Shaun Wright-Phillips and Joey Barton has given cause for optimism, the senior players have often failed to take responsibility. This has led to some disharmony recently, with reports suggesting that David James in particular had words to say about their situation during the latest defeat at home to Southampton on Saturday (April 17).

Should City go then there will be a Leeds United/West Ham United style fire sale at the club in the summer. Prince of Sulkiness Nicolas Anelka will have to go, as probably will high earners like McManaman, Fowler, Sinclair and James. Wright-Phillips and Barton may also not wish to try to further their careers in the first division and there will be no shortage of offers for their services.

In the end, City should just manage to avoid this eventuality. Leeds United have a very tough and important match against in-form Portsmouth to negotiate on Saturday and a Pompey win, coupled with a good result for City should see them safe for another year. However, with Keegan coming out with phrases like 'too good to go down' in post match interviews, City fans will be rightly worried about the possibility of another relegation.

Perhaps they should just stop signing former Liverpool players.

Stephen Orford
20/04/2004

737: TV: BBC football coverage is r

by : Alex Wolstenholme

With Premiership highlights back on the Beeb as from next season the time has definitely come for them to shake up their coverage of the game.

For far too long Match of the Day has relied on a cosy cartel of panelists who give the viewer nothing in the way of new or interesting information about that day’s game.

The BBC’s presentation and commentary at the recent Arsenal versus Man Utd game was amateurish.

Having Ian Wright and Peter Schmeichel in the same studio provides a few cheap laughs but added nothing to the viewer’s knowledge of the two teams or the game that was about to unfold. The commentary, by John Motson and Mark Lawrenson was worse than the studio presentation. Players were wrongly identified, key incidents were missed and Motson went overboard on his famous `statistics`.

In contrast the next day, Andy Gray and Martin Tyler, despite probably watching Sunderland and Millwall only once before this season, gave the impression to the viewer that they were regulars at the Stadium of Light and New Den.

Similarly, when the BBC shows live England games they see fit to bring Peter Reid into the studio to tell us that the lads `done brilliant`, `will be gutted` etc etc. When asked what they know about Macedonia, Slovenia or whoever they invariably reply `next to nothing` as if actually telling us something interesting will lead to endless ribbing from the other guests.

It’s the same mentality that earns a player like Graeme Le Saux a reputation as a bit of a maverick because they read the Guardian or shock horror got some A-Levels!

`The Premiership` on ITV was rightly slated when it first started but it has got better by ditching the gimmicks and concentrating on the football. It too suffers from only ever employing ex-pro’s to give their opinion.

Too much TV and radio coverage suffers from thinking that only those who have played the game know what’s really going on. That’s an insult to fans who have probably watched more games than any of the pundits.

When fans are brought into the debate it is always through mindless vox pops to camera or as a separate body of people, dressed up in replica shirts and treated like the audience of Pop Idol are by Simon Cowell.

Why not have some journalists on the show to talk about the issues arising from the day’s games? The likes of Patrick Barclay, David Lacey and Glenn Moore have new and informative things to say as well as having that distance from the players and managers to let themselves be a little more critical.

Barclay was an early season guest on the `Premiership on Monday` and made the program infinitely better with his views.

On the commentary front I introduce some of the excellent FiveLive team to BBC’s television coverage. Steve Wilson has done well on TV when covering the African Nations Cup and Old Firm games and there many more like him.

Alex Wolstenholme
10/04/2004

735: UEFA CUP: Newcastle United or

by : Stephen Orford

Like the Champions' League before it, the UEFA Cup produced its fair share of shock results at the quarter final stage this week. None more so than the exit of Inter Milan at the hands of Marseille which set-up a semi final clash for the French side with Newcastle United. Also, Celtic were expected to make the last four, only to see their hopes dashed by struggling La Liga outfit Villarreal.

All of which leaves more parallels to be drawn with Europe's premier competition as the last four has developed into a truly open race for the prize. The UEFA Cup may be devalued in the eyes of many a fan and manager alike as the Champions' League grows to monstrous proportions, but there is still a rich amount of Kudos to be gained from lifting the trophy aloft come May. Celtic fans, when they get over the disappointment of last night's (April 14) loss to Villarreal, will never forget their adventure at last year's final in Seville. Defeat to Porto in that final was devastating, but Porto's subsequent march to the semi finals of the Champions' League this season shows how the UEFA Cup can help shape the emergence of some major players in European football.

For this writer, and perhaps for many other observers Valencia would appear to be the favourites for the honour in 2004. A comfortable 4-2 aggregate victory over Bordeaux, coupled with Celtic's demise, sets up an all-Spanish semi-final with Villarreal. Currently sitting proudly atop La Liga, Valencia have to go into that clash as strong favourites to at least reach the final. For their part, Villarreal are struggling with their league form this year and are unlikely to repeat this year's European journey next season unless they win the UEFA Cup outright. On form, it should be pretty straightforward for Valencia, but form is not always the only factor to consider in cup football. The UEFA Cup has provided a useful distraction for Villarreal given their dismal league form, and they may have what it takes to rise to the occasion and cause yet another upset. Much may yet depend on Valencia's ongoing battle for La Liga honours with star-studded Real Madrid. Though the UEFA Cup might look nice on the sideboard, you would be hard pressed to find any fan who would not trade the opportunity in exchange for a domestic title.

And so to Newcastle United. It has been 35 years since a trophy of any description found its way into the St.James Park cabinet. With this in mind, and very probably with Middlesbrough's recent Carling Cup victory also in mind, the Newcastle fans will be desperate to make this prestigious award their first for a generation. The money men may well be more intent on securing fouth place in the Premiership and guaranteeing the income from Champions' League football next season, but those in it for the sheer love of the club and the game itself would surely choose UEFA Cup glory. It is not impossible for Newcastle to achieve both, but a semi-final with Marseille presents a wonderful opportunity for the Magpies. In truth, fourth place is nowhere compared to the memories a European trophy win would create.

Not wishing to jump the gun, Newcastle do of course have to deal with the very real threat offered by Marseille before they can start dreaming of ending their 35 years of hurt. Though we would all like to be invited to that particular shin-dig if they win the UEFA Cup, Marseille will have plenty to say about it first. After disposing of Inter Milan in the quarter finals confidence will be sky high. Like Newcastle, Marseille began this year's European campaign with no intention of competing in the UEFA Cup but had their progress in the Champions' League curtailed. We can argue until the proverbial cows return to their place of residence about whether the UEFA Cup should be used as a consolation prize for Champions' League also-rans, the fact remains that the French outfit have the chance to win a major European prize. They have not done this since the mulleted Chris Waddle flew down their wing with such grace and skill. They last appeared in a European final in 1999 and will be aiming to go one better this season by securing the trophy for a set of fans that have endured much in recent years. With financial irregularities, demotions and other such scandals fresh in their memories, Marseille fans will feel it is about time that their team gave something back.

If you are looking for a prediction from me I am going to have to spoil the Toon party and plump for Valencia. Any team that holds a higher league position than Los Galacticos has to be respected if not feared. Their fluent passing at times bewilders, and all things being equal they may be too strong for Villarreal and either Newcastle or Marseille.

However, this is cup football and things are not equal.

Stephen Orford
15/04/2004

734: PREMIERSHIP: It’s Terry or Tou

by : Chris Sherrard

London’s finest young defenders are set to go head-to-head for the Young Player of the Year award. The six named by the PFA on the shortlist have all been impressive this season and are undoubtedly worthy of their places on the list, but John Terry and Kolo Toure have been most deserving of the prize.

For John Terry it has been a dream season. Despite watching his dressing room swell with big-name, multi-million pound new signings bankrolled by Abramovich’s summer spending spree Terry finds himself, aged 23, captaining the side. It has been a swift development for the Londoner, for its not so long ago that he was shipped out on-loan to Nottingham Forest after seeing his route into the Chelsea first-team blocked by World Cup-winning duo Leboeuf and Desailly. The latter remains at the club, of course, so it is testimony to Terry’s progress that he has now displaced the great man as captain and Chelsea regular.

There is an element of symmetry which can be drawn between John Terry and former Arsenal stalwart Tony Adams. The Gunners legend broke into the Highbury first-team as a youngster and became one of the youngest skippers in English football history. He became the rock around which a successful side was built and transferred club form to the international stage, serving the England national team for years. Terry is at the root of his international career, a career which will surely further blossom in Rio Ferdinand’s absence at this summer’s European Championships.

Terry possesses the ability to read the game magnificently and combines it with intuitive positioning and excellent tackling, heading, man-marking and the odd well-timed goal. The sum total of these talents has made John Terry one of the most prized young defenders in world football.

That’s an acknowledgment he shares with cross-town rival Kolo Toure. While Terry’s excellence was hinted at last season, Toure has grew into the role of central defender with wonderful aplomb - and just a trace of surprise. Shifted and placed in just about every position when called upon sparingly last season, this season he has been slotted in alongside Sol Campbell and blossomed completely beyond recognition. While its fair to say he was a bit-part player last season, the Ivory Coast international has played more games for Arsenal than everyone but Thierry Henry in this campaign.

That’s a mark of how important he has been to Arsene Wenger as the Gunners have went about destroying everyone in English football. Not only has Toure’s rise been welcomed by the Arsenal manager it has also helped him out of a massive hole which faced him. A string of defenders from Cygan to Stefanovs have attempted to plug the gap left by Adams’ retirement. Toure’s emergence as his long-term replacement may, or may not, have been an accident but one thing is for certain - no one at Highbury is too worried now.

At under six-feet tall Toure is not the brick-wall normally associated with his position. But with Campbell alongside him height has been an irrelevant issue. For he has excelled on the ground, playing his side’s way out of trouble on countless occasions since the league begun in August. Noticeable too has been the discipline with which Toure has conducted himself this campaign - just six yellow cards to date and one since November - which is impressive considering the number of high-profile, high-octane games he has been a part of in recent weeks.

Whether Kolo Toure matches the inevitable Player of the Year award which his team-mate Henry will collect is a close-run thing. It’s hard to pick between him and the superb John Terry. Wayne Rooney, Glen Johnson, Scotty Parker and Shaun Wright-Phillips have really caught the eye in each of their ways this season. But it would be a massive surprise and indignity if any of them beat Terry or Toure to the Young Player of the Year award.

In my opinion, for what it is worth, I think John Terry just shades it after a terrific season in which he has led a club with the eyes of the football world upon them. He has been a brilliant example - as has Toure it must be said - to other young players on how to conduct themselves. Terry’s season is still far from finished, though, and could yet feature a Champions League winners medal and a glorious summer in Portugal. Quite a season!

Chris Sherrard
15/04/2004

736: PREMIERSHIP: Terry must win yo

by : Stephen Orford

PFA Young Player Of The Year

1. John Terry - Chelsea. Though this award looks less cut and dried than its senior version, John Terry would have to be my favourite to win. A commanding presence in the new-look Chelsea, Terry has even managed to make no less a light than Marcel Desailly look expendable at Stamford Bridge. His formidable partnership with the talented William Gallas at the heart of the Chelsea defence is the rock on which much of this year's success has been built, and it can only get better as both players mature. Terry has also established himself as an England regular in the absence of Rio Ferdinand and looks set to be a vital component if England are to achieve anything at Euro 2004 in Portugal.

2. Wayne Rooney - Everton. Early in the season there was much murmuring about how disappointing Wayne Rooney had been having burst onto the Premiership scene last season. His talents were undoubted but many said that he would suffer from that infamous second season syndrome that seems to affect so many new players. However, when taken out of a struggling Everton side and placed in the England side Rooney has continued to impress. He seems to be able to do things with a football that most players can only dream of, and when you add his pace and power to the equation, along with his finishing capabilities, it is easy to see what separates him from the Joe Cole's of this world. Rooney is a marvellous player and will probably go on to great things, but he has probably not done quite enough at club level this year to take the award in 2004.

3. Scott Parker - Chelsea. When Scott Parker was running the show in Charlton Athletic's midfield he looked every bit the complete modern Premiership player. Good on the ball, skillfull, and with stamina and bravery to burn Parker was immense in guiding Charlton to the dizzy heights of the Champions' League qualfication precipice. His form then attracted the attention of money-bags Chelsea and, after an undignified spat with his club which led to him being left out of the squad on occasions, Parker finally made the ten million pound switch to Stamford Bridge. Since then he has found himself only a bit-part player in Claudio Ranieri's impressive squad and it could be argued that this has set his personal development back for now at least. If he can cement a regular place in the Chelsea midfield in the way that Frank Lampard has done then the sky seems to be the limit for Parker. A player of proven class and talent, Parker's move may just have robbed him of the chance to be named Young Player Of The Year 2004.

4. Glen Johnson - Chelsea. Until injury enforced a long lay-off the former West Ham man was showing that even in the Champions' League he was far from out of his depth. Many questioned his defensive capabilities after he was signed as a right-back by Ranieri, but he has shown great improvements in that area as he has gained in experience. He may prove to be the long-term replacement for Gary Neville at England level if he continues to play that position, but it is going forward where fans still see the best of Johnson. Comfortable on the ball, he has even chipped in with the odd goal or two this season. His injury problems may just deprive him of the award, but the future looks very bright indeed for Glen Johnson.

5. Kolo Toure - Arsenal. Does anybody else remember a certain Arsenal defender comically hacking the ball into his own net in a crucial Premiership match last season against Aston Villa? Back then, Kolo Toure was seen merely as a stop-gap in Arsenal's defence until they had an opportunity to strengthen in the up-coming summer. However, Arsene Wenger has kept faith with Toure and that faith has been repaid handsomely with some assured peformances this season for the Gunners. Showing capability at both right-back and centre-back, Toure is no longer anyone's idea of a stop-gap and could find himself at the heart of the Arsenal defence for many years to come. Any player who can keep Martin Keown out of the Arsenal defence must have something about him.

6. Shaun Wright-Phillips - Manchester City. Until recently all the talk about Shaun Wright-Phillips concerned his family connection to goalscoring legend Ian Wright, but no more. Wright-Phillips has truly made a name for himself in a bizarre season for Manchester City. Impressive going forward, City have conceded far too many goals to challenge for honours this year but Wright-Phillips has been one of few genuine shining lights. Despite the lack of height that many thought would halt his progress at the very top level, Wright-Phillips has shown that he has what it takes to take on the best defenders the Premiership has to offer. Blessed with pace and skill, the wide midfield player deservedly earned a call-up to the England squad for the recent friendly in Sweden. Though he failed to make an appearance on that occasion, it can only be a matter of time before he makes his international debut.

Prediction: John Terry has been the most consistent of the nominees both at club and international level and should get the nod.

Stephen Orford
14/04/2004

733: PREMIERSHIP: Arsenal and Henry

by : Chris Sherrard

Andy: Boy does he look psyched for this?
Martin: He certainly does. Oh look who has just showed up in the front row of the audience … Vernon Kay and wife Tess Daly.
Andy: Oh doesn’t she just look delectable?
Simon: Tess Daly … umm what I wouldn’t give for a few minutes alone with her. She’s one cute honey.
Martin: Would you pucker up and snog your protg Michele McManus?
Simon: Hell no! I wouldn’t even touch her with yours!
Andy: Oh well, nevermind, Tess will be mine, all mine!
Martin: I hope your missus isn’t watching.
Andy: Nah she’ll be watching Corrie or something.
Ring announcer: And introducing his opponent, representing Birmingham City, weighing in at 14 stones, and standing 6ft tall, wearing the home strip of Birmingham City, it’s the one … the ONLY … Steeeeeevvvee ‘The Brruuuuiiisssseerrrrr’ Brrrrruucce.
The Reebok Stadium voice their anger at the Geordie born manager as he makes his way down the ramp to the White Stripes Seven Nation Army.
Martin: As always the Reebok support is very vocal and that could be like an extra man for Big Sam.
Andy: I’m not sure. Bruce is used to the sound of people booing him. After all he did play for United!
Martin: Well if you can’t boo United who can you boo?
Andy: True.
Ring announcer: And introducing tonight’s special guest referee …
Andy: We have a special guest referee?
Ring announcer: Misssttterrrrer Maaaarrrkkkrk Willllllleeeeyyy!
Andy: Mark Wiley!!! Big Sam’s not going to be happy about this.
Sam looks at the ring announcer like he’s just seen a ghost before kicking the life out of the bottom rope.
Martin: Sam’s livid and I can’t say I blame him. He and Mark Riley get on like Wenger and Fergie.
Andy: Well in Allardyce’s mind Riley cost Bolton the Carling cup for not awarding a penalty against Boro and Sam is facing an FA rap for that.
Martin: Well if you go back to 2001, Allardyce was furious when the Leeds official sent off two of his stars in a tempestuous clash with Leicester, and a year later sent off Bruno N’Gotty in a game against West Brom.
Simon: So is it fair to say that they don’t get on then!
Martin: Put it this way, the bookies have just installed Bruce as odds on favourite at 1/10. All the cards are stacked in his favour now.
Riley walks into the ring and signals for the bell to be rung giving Big Sam a sly smile as he does so.
Andy: Did you just see the way he smiled at Allardyce? I’d hate to be in his shoes now.
Out of nowhere Big Sam has beaten Bruce down to the canvas and is laying on top of him knocking seven bells out of him.
Andy: What an attack.
Simon: I’ve seen more fight in a packet of crisps.
Mark Riley moves over and drags Sam off of his victim.
Allardyce: What the hell are you playing at?
Riley: You can’t just pounce on Bruce like that … the bell hadn’t rung properly.
Allardyce turns his back on the infuriating whistler but as he does Riley grabs him from behind and pushes him to the ground.
Martin: What’s the meaning of this?
Andy: Talk about two on one, Sam is in a handicapped match and the future is looking bleak.
Bruce is pounding the life out of Allardyce while Riley holds him down before, the man so good they named him twice, Jay Jay Okacha runs down to the ring.
Martin: It’s Jay Jay … the saviour of the Trotters.
Andy: Hey Simon you’ll be amazed by this guy. The things he can do with a ball would make you shake your head in amazement.
Simon: We’ll see.
Jay Jay storms the ring and taps Bruce and Riley on the shoulders and tells them to watch. He’s then chucked a ball from somebody in the crowd and begins performing some of his dazzling array of tricks, leaving Bruce and Riley’s heads in a complete spin. Peter Reid’s monkey starts pulling away at the thread of Riley’s clothes.
Andy: What’s that cheeky monkey doing? Riley’s going to be naked in a minute.
With stars spinning round Bruce’s head Jay Jay traps the ball under his right boot before kicking the ball square into the Birmingham bosses mouth.
Martin: Bruce may have just had his neck snapped. That was a ferocious boot by Okacha.
Andy: Forget that … it looks as though Riley has finally felt a draft.
Riley looks down at his feet and quickly realises that he’s hardly got a stitch on, shrieks, and runs out of the arena quicker than Seth Johnson on the M1 while twice over the drink drive limit.
Allardyce smelling blood picks up Bruce, with his head almost hanging off, and throws him around the ring like a rag doll to the wild cheers from the Bolton faithful.
Martin: Bruce has been drained of all of his strength. Allardyce is beating him around as if he was a 5-year-old child.
Andy: Not that we condone beating up 5 year old children or suggesting that Big Sam does either.
Simon: Glad you got that one in before all of the lawsuits come flying through your letterbox.
Allardyce holds Bruce up by the scruff of his neck and slaps him across the face waiting for a reaction.
Martin: This is the kind of thing my cat would do with a bird or mouse.
Andy: Why doesn’t he just put him out of his misery?
Simon: Why should he? As long as he disposes of him eventually he’s the winner, there’s no time limit.
Andy: True but this is getting beyond a joke.
Andy then pulls off his headphones and dives into the ring.
Martin: Andy what are you doing? Sam won’t hesitate in killing you.
Simon: Neither would a million other people!
Andy pleads with Sam to put the Birmingham man to sleep but, to no avail, when Andy suddenly unleashes a thunderous right hand on to Bruce’s jaw snapping his head from his body and bouncing along the canvas.
Martin: I can’t believe what I have just seen.
Andy lifts his arms aloft to the admiration of the Bolton fans.
Simon: Give him his dews that was a pretty good punch, even if Steve’s head was already loose.
Peter Reid’s former monkey picks up Bruce’s head and begins biting and scratching it.
Andy sits down at the commentary table.
Martin: Why Andy, why did you just do that?
Andy: Why? He destroyed David O’Leary from my beloved Villa. I wasn’t going to let him get away with that. Rot in hell ya blue nosed punk!
The spirit of Bruce is then seen leaving his body and slowly makes it’s way up to heaven.
Alllardyce holds up his monkey above his shoulder and celebrates as his music comes on, the fans go wild, confetti and balloons are unleashed from the top of the stadium down into the ring.
Martin: Well Sam has done it again. He’s defied everybody and the sole survivor from the qualifiers is not in the promised land of the semi finals, just one step away from the final itself.
Andy: Next week we have another potential classic clash as we witness the new boy on the block inside the ring for the first time Paul Sturrock as he attempts to fill the void left by Gordon Strachan as he takes on the fearless Sir Alex Ferguson.
Martin: It’s Southampton V Manchester United live from St Mary’s stadium. Be sure to join us next week where we will do our best to serve up a meaty treat for all you blood thirsty fans.
Andy: Until next time keep your eyes open for a naked referee!

Colin Illingworth
16/04/2004We have seen enough now. Hang the champions’ medals around the necks of Highbury’s heroes, for they are truly the best team in English football. And it’s not even a close-run thing. Chelsea may have bundled them out of the Champions League and Manchester United blocked their progress in the FA Cup but there can be no doubt now about Arsenal’s standing as number one in this country.

When doubts were raised about their greatness they stood as one to be counted. Led by a magician of a player and a superb manager, the Gunners have shot down all challenges to their Premiership invincibility. They have not stumbled over the line to take the title. They are sprinting harder and faster than ever and can rightly claim to be one of the finest sides ever to be assembled in football.

Although defensively resolute and united, it is when the ball enters midfield that danger signs swarm all over opposing managers. Arsenal cut teams open with garish incisions in a way only top surgeons can compare with. They slice through, first, the midfield knocking one touch passes from player to player leaving opponents helpless and hapless. One touch from Vieira to Pires who eases it on to Bergkamp who automatically slides it through to Henry who dispatches it past the keeper and cranks himself and his side higher into the world of fantasy football. Could they make it look any easier? Can Henry get any better?

The Midas man of the modern game has had his fingerprints all over this Premiership campaign once again. Hat-tricks here and four-goal blasts there, everything he touches does, in keeping with his now exalted status in the red-half of North-London, turn to gold.

Whether dropping deep, wide or asleep, Thierry Henry poses ferocious, incessant risks to opposition defenders, as they gasp and choke in his awesome slipstream. He currently sits on top of world football’s pyramid of excellence. Unmovable and seemingly unstoppable, in Henry, Arsenal have one of the greatest footballers of not just today’s football but in the history of this magnificent sport.

No-one, not bitter Spurs fans nor resentful Manchester United followers or infact anyone who has had the privilege to witness the sublime Frenchman in action, can deny the excellence and magical qualities of this man. He is simply a joy to behold. Without wanting to over-flow Henry with praise, we can count ourselves lucky individuals and Arsenal fans themselves the luckiest of all. Lucky that one of the all-time greats has chosen to perform his wizardry within our gazes in English football. Lucky that we can watch a man who could go on to topple Maradona et al from the head of the pantheon of brilliance which hindsight affords football historians.

But, while Thierry Henry can win games on his own, he doesn’t always have to. He is surrounded by Pires and Reyes and Bergkamp and the rest. The Dutchman still has vision unsurpassed in this country. He can still pick the right pass at exactly the right time and, in executing his inch-perfect through-balls, he is killing off a despairing opposition. Past his best? Probably. No longer good enough to play for the best team in the country? Don’t make me laugh.

I don’t have to highlight just how good Robert Pires is at coasting with the ball at his feet, or how dangerous Reyes is with his flicks and sprints. I don’t need to underscore the importance a settled, solid back-four has had on Arsenal’s success or how telling the emergence of Edu has been this season. I don’t need to because they speak for themselves every time they take to the pitch home and away, rain or shine.

I’m not saying anything new by eulogising convulsively about this marvellous football side. But there comes a time when a team and, in Thierry Henry, a player takes your breath away so strongly that all deserving credit should be heaped upon them. Arsenal will get their reward when they clinch the league title in the next week or two. Henry will get his with the Player of the Year award which is almost certain to augment his personal trophy haul. More accolades and plaudits will also, surely come his way over the next month. No-one is more worthy.

Chris Sherrard
16/04/2004

731: Harry Flatcap - My life

by : Steve Heald

Cashing in on his recent appearance on I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER GET ME OUT OF HERE, SquareFootball’s very own inside track on the world of football management Harry Flatcap has decided to compose his memoirs. Unfortunately Harry’s dream of winning in the jungle, and the endless rounds of chat show appearances with the likes of Des and Mel bit the dust prematurely.

The lack of fame and fortune has also diminished interest in the major publishers who all turned down Harry’s autobiography. However as an old friend SquareFootball stepped in and offered HF the opportunity to pen his musings on this very website. Negotiations for rights to the story were tough – Harry was looking for a cool million, SquareFootball offered him the contents of the Editors jeans at that precise moment – ie, A voucher entitling the bearer to a free Macdonalds happy meal. Eventually Harry plumped for the meal as he was peckish…and skint. So SquareFootball proudly presents over the next 2 weeks.

HARRY FLATCAP – MY LIFE

“It has never been easy being Harry Flatcap. I’ve been called many things: enigmatic, an enigma, a tosser, depending on who you listen to. I’ve made many enemies over the years, but also gained a few acquaintances. Hopefully this book will help you understand where I’ve come from (nothing), where I’m going, and where I belong.

I dedicate this book to all the football chairmen I have worked under (137 at the time of writing). I’ll leave you with this thought all you chairmen – You were all wrong, I was right. Every time, you interfering alcoholic egotistical silver spooned mummys boy public school educated half-wits/ alcoholic egotistical self-made self-important little Hitlers (delete where applicable).

Going back to the beginning, I was born into a tough environment, which explains the tough exterior you see in front of you now. It was a real struggle for my mum and dad to keep a roof over our head. Literally, as it was made out of balsa wood and kept blowing away. We were to poor to afford anything else. Life was tough back then. Mother had to work a 12 hour stint down the pit to help make ends meet. Public transport was scarce and expensive back then so she had to walk to the colliery and back every evening. This was particularly impressive when you take into account we lived in Putney, not exactly a mining stronghold.

Father was a rent boy working Picadilly Circus of an evening. He would regale us of tales about the rich and famous, their peculiar ways and their strange vices. Father was always in his element when recounting these tales.

Looking back at the earliest surviving photographs of me I suppose I was destined to become a football manager. I have a picture of me aged 6 months. Mother had beautifully created a sheepskin jacket for me to wear complete with flat cap. I had a sun tan to make Ron Atkinson jealous and dripped in jewellery, obtained by father from his most wealthiest of clients. In the picture I’m snarling and waving my fist at the camera. In years to come this would be my trademark facial expression, oft copied by the likes of Alex Ferguson.

Like all boys I was gripped by football fever and would play the traditional 270-a-side matches in the alleyways in the rough part of Putney where we grew up. Games of this size were always difficult and it wasn’t unusual for some of the boys to become confused about what sport we were actually playing. Many seemed to think it was rugby, they would be piling on top of the nearest opposition, gauging eyes out and generally causing a nuisance. These characters would later form my back 4 and midfield in the first successful team I created. Indeed the young Dave Bassett started in these circumstances and seems to have copied my blueprint to great success.

Of course, being the young scamps we were we didn’t just play football. We formed a gang, called the Putney Posse. We were very much ahead of our time as other contemporary gangs in the area swapped football trading cards and made lemonade to sell on street corners. The Putney Posse instigated the influx of illegal liquor into the area, controlled territories, and physically threatened rival gangs in the area to ensure we were known as the dominant force. Drive by shootings were commonplace, regularly we would cycle past a rival gang and blast them with our catapults. Eventually father called time on my gangland activities when I severed the head of rival gang leader Peter Simpkins’ pet rabbit and sneaked it into his bed. I certainly got the slipper from dad that evening!”

To be continued…

Steve Heald
14/04/2004

732: Premiership managers brawl: Sa

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Hello and welcome to the first quarterfinal of Premiership Managers Brawl coming to you exclusively live from the fabulous Reebok Stadium, in Bolton, as Big Sam Allardyce entertains Birmingham’s Steve Bruce in a battle to the death. With me as always is the excitable Andy Gray.
Andy Gray: Evening fight fans. What a prospect we have in store for you tonight. Allardyce V Bruce … Two brutal gladiators who’d start a fight with their own shadows! Sam’s been in a stinking mood since Middlesbrough walked away with the Carling cup while Steve Bruce just keeps knocking down the critics who claim his team are a bunch of no hopers.
Martin: I’ve never heard anybody call Birmingham a bunch of no hopers.
Andy: Yeah, I know, I just said that to fuel the fire, so to speak, plus, have you never spoken to a Villa fan?
Martin: Not since Bruce buried O’Leary alive last round! Anyway Big Sam has steamrolled his way through the competition in PMB so far and has absolutely no respect for egos, as Peter Reid and Kevin Keegan can justify.
Andy: Yeah ‘The Clubber’ packs a powerful punch but Bruce is no push over. He fought his heart out against O’Leary and showed his inner strength and determination.
Martin: And it’s those attributes that will be on show tonight as the two big men clash in the centre of the ring for a titanic Premiership Managers Brawl, and to put one foot into the final.
Andy: And, as we are down to the last eight, we have brought back one of our favourite guests from last round, Mr Nasty himself, Pop Idol judge Simon Cowell. Simon, welcome back.
Simon: Why thank you Andy and Martin. It’s a pleasure to be back.
Martin: What do you think we’ll see from these two huge men tonight?
Simon: A lot of sweat, panting, and grunting.
Martin: That sounds like a night on the tiles with Andy!
Simon: O…K… I don’t really want to hear anymore.
Andy holds his head in his hands while Simon and Martin look on embarrassed.
Martin: Back to business, all 40,000 tickets were snapped up within 30 minutes of the tickets going on sale.
Andy: And the majority of the fans have been in the stadium since midday getting prepared for this fight.
Martin: Yes this Bolton crowd are well up for this one. So much so that we decided to send our intrepid reporter Chris Kamara outside to gauge the public’s opinion on tonight’s battle. Chris are you there?
Kamara is seen running through the streets with baton wielding coppers sprinting behind him.
Kamara: Yes Martin, I can here you, unfortunately I think there’s trouble outside the ground as the police are chasing me around the town.
Simon: Oh dear.
Kamara: I’ve tried catching a few of the Bolton fans up ahead of me but they just won’t stop.
Suddenly a Bolton fan grabs the microphone from Kamara.
Bolton fan: Sorry lads but there’s no trouble here in Bolton.
Martin: So what’s all the commotion about?
Bolton fan: Nobody wants to speak to this goon Kamara and the police are trying to catch him for possessing a foul and abusive haircut!
Just then the police pounce on Kamara, handcuff him, and repeatedly beat him, while dragging him into the nearest police van.
Andy: If my life ends right now I’m going to die a very happy man!
Bolton fan: Oi… copper… where’s my money? You said if I trapped Kamara I’d get a grand!
Martin: Unfortunately we’ll have to leave it there but Andy, what’s the latest betting news.
Andy: Well now that we are getting down to the last few combatants the bookies are finding it extremely hard to separate them … Big Sam’s at 1/2 and Bruce is Evens. However if you think Vernon Kay and his missus Tess will interfere in this match up you’ll get odds of 8/1. If you think Sam is going to go completely mad after his sides poor run of form you’ll get odds of 13/1 or at 18/1 you’ll get odds of Bruce breaking his own hooter to improve his looks.
Simon: He needs more than his nose broke to achieve that!
Martin: Anyway the fighters are waiting in the wings so lets head down to ringside for the ring introductions.
Ring announcer: Ladies and gentlemen … it’s shhhhooooowww tttiiiiiime! Introducing first, representing Bolton Wanderers, weighing in at 15 stones, and standing 6ft tall, wearing the home strip of Bolton, it’s the one … the ONLY … Sam ‘The Clubbbbbbeeerrrr’ Allaaaaaarrrrrrddddyyycce!
The home fans welcome the arrival of their boss like the return of the messiah as Christina Aguliera’s Fighter engulfs the Reebok stadium. Sam struts down the ramp hitting his clenched fists together accompanied to the ring by Peter Reid’s former monkey.

729: PREMIERSHIP: The men who Liver

by : Chris Sherrard

Whether Liverpool FC manage to win the race for fourth spot in the Premiership table, and consequently Champions League football next season, one fact will remain - changes must be made at Anfield, and soon.

Its becoming increasingly clear that the manager, Gerard Houllier, will still be the man holding the reigns of The Reds come August. This would be the wrong move, in my opinion, but one which is admirable in so far as it maintains the club’s policy and stance of rarely dispensing of management. Liverpool are not a sacking club.

But for the sake of the club, and even if Houllier is still in charge, the club must rid themselves of some of their high-profile, big-money ‘stars’ who have quite vividly failed to shine or match their billing. The French manager should be drawing up a list of players he needs to lose in order for a once great club to return to anything close to challenging for titles.

The task of weeding out the under-performers is not an easy one. For a start they are on large salaries and the mentality of your modern footballer is to be attracted to cash like a fly is to light. They have found themselves a comfort zone - the root of Liverpool’s problem - and the boys are not for moving.

For the good of Liverpool Football Club they should admit to failing to produce the standard of football required of them and accept their time is up.

The players who should be on their way through the exit door at Anfield must be led by El Hadji Diouf. The Senegalese international has been a shadow of the player he was hyped as being when he was brought from French football two years ago. Diouf has looked nothing like the player who scooped the African Player of the Year award a couple of seasons back. Three league goals since he’s been with the Merseysider’s - none this season - is a desperately poor return for the massive fee he commanded when he joined.

Houllier also needs to now realise that Emile Heskey is much-maligned for a good reason. The former Leicester striker has been at Anfield long enough to have been given a decent chance to show he is worthy of following in the bootprints of Liverpool strikers of the ilk of Dalgleish, Keegan, Toshack and the rest. Quite simply, Heskey is not good enough for Liverpool. Any offer they get for him should be snapped up this summer. Enough is enough.

They should also cut their losses on the other gambles which have failed. Salif Diao, Vladimir Smicer, Igor Biscan, Bruno Cheyrou… the list is a long and undistinguished one. Let them go Gerard, admit you were wrong and you will have the full backing of the supporters again. Replace them with men who have some idea of what it takes to play for Liverpool. Players with both the skill and mentality to succeed in English football. The fans of your club deserve a team to be proud of and at present they are a good bit short of one.

Has Danny Murphy also found himself a nice, comfortable assured place at Anfield? If so, and the evidence is seeming to support it this season, he must also be moved on for the sake of himself and the club. Stefan Henchoz has failed to match the level he set himself in previous campaigns as well. Similarly, it’s not been a sparkling season by any means from the ‘keeper Jerzy Dudek. He can count himself lucky to have been given more and more chances to prove himself due to Chris Kirkland - clearly the better goalkeeper - suffering from injuries.

In Sami Hyypia, Steven Gerrard, Didi Hamman and Michael Owen, Liverpool and their manager have a spine of good players who play with passion. At times this season, though, Gerrard has been on his own in a team low on confidence and feeling sorry for themselves. Without the England midfielder they would be a long way off where they currently find themselves. He needs his manager to surround him with players of a similar ability. Djibril Cisse appears to be signed, sealed and set to be delivered at the close of play this season. His Auxuerre team-mate, the sublime defender Philip Mexes, has also been rumoured to be a target, depending on qualification for the Champions League. These are the quality of players Liverpool should be targeting.

To be able to bring in the players Houllier wants, he must first lose some of his current playing staff. Regardless of where they eventually finish this season - and fifth spot is not yet probable let alone fourth - the revolving door at Anfield must be a busy one this summer. Over to you, Monsieur.

Chris Sherrard
15/04/2004

730: PREMIERSHIP: Henry a shoo-in f

by : Stephen Orford

It is that time of season again. While the minds of many fans will be on what their team can still achieve or avoid as we enter the final stages of the season, attentions also turn to individual honours. Individual honours within a team game may not be everyone's cup of tea, but the PFA still like them it seems. As such, this afternoon (April 14) they announced the nominations for both the PFA Players' Player Of The Year award and the PFA Young Player Of The Year award. There are six nominees in each category, with some big names amongst them. The winners will be announced at the traditional black tie bash on Sunday April 25. Ladies and gentlemen, the nominations are:

PFA Players' Player Of The Year:

1. Thierry Henry - Arsenal. In all honesty Henry should and probably will walk away with the honour. Though I am not of the persuasion that he is the best player in the world as many others are, it is difficult to find a more effective player plying his trade on these shores. As Arsenal stride imperiously unbeaten through 32 games of their league campaign to date, Henry has been the catalyst for their achievements. His pace, power and no short amount of skill have been devastating both at home and abroad. The top scorer in the Premiership once again, last year's winner of this award looks certain to pick up another Championship medal also.

2. Alan Shearer - Newcastle United. Though in the twilight of his career Shearer continues to bang in the goals for his home town club with a regularity as monotonous as his occasional punditry on Sky Sports. In what has been a difficult season for Newcastle ever since they crashed out of the Champions' League in qualifying back in August, Shearer has led from the front. His leadership, skill and goal-power have helped drag his team back into contention not only to earn another shot at Europe's elite competition, but also for what would be an historic triumph in the UEFA Cup.

3. Steven Gerrard - Liverpool. In America honours like these are judged not on who the best player is, but on who is the most important to their particular team. They call that player the MVP or Most Valuable Player. Far be it from me to suggest that we fall in line with our cousins from across the pond but if this were the criteria in English football then Steven Gerrard would be a certainty. At times Gerrard has acted as Liverpool's defensive lynchpin, midfield battler and attacking playmaker all rolled into one as his team-mates consistently flounder around him. There is little doubt that if Liverpool had ten more players in his mould they would not find themselves in the position of mediocrity they currently occupy. With only the fourth Champions' League qualifying spot to aim for, Gerrard deserves more from a season in which he has given his all to the Liverpool cause.

4. Frank Lampard - Chelsea. When Roman Abramovich walked into Stamford Bridge with one of the largest wallets in Europe, it was thought that the majority of last year's Chelsea team would find it difficult to hang on to their position in the team. And so it came to pass as stars from Argentina, Romania, Cameroon and France were joined by some of England's finest young talent. The team became almost unrecognisable from that which had qualified for the Champions' League last season but in Frank Lampard Chelsea had a player who refused to budge. Even the Tinkerman himself, Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri, dare not tinker with Lampard's position in the centre of midfield. His performances in both the Premiership and in Chelsea's stunning Champions' League run have surprised many as he has developed into an effective and skillful attacking midfielder. Certainly the most improved player among the nominees, Lampard might be a genuine contender were it not for the presence of Henry.

5. Jay Jay Okocha - Bolton Wanderers. It is rare and pleasant to see a player from a supposedly unfashionable club recognised for his individual contribution. Okocha has mesmerised us all with his fearless and skillfull brand of football during a relatively successful season for Wanderers. Instrumental in the club's run to the Carling Cup final, Okocha's form has been less impressive since his return from the African Nations Cup where he represented Nigeria. Uncertainty about his future has also hampered his progress towards the end of the season but if Okocha does leave Bolton, his new employers will be getting one of the most gifted ball-players in the game at the moment.

6. Patrick Vieira - Arsenal. Year upon year Vieira quietly goes about the business of being the dominant central midfield player in the Premiership. Despite the heroics of Gerrard it is generally accepted that Vieira is the man to watch in that position and his form this year has shown once again why he is so highly regarded. This season has shown a more mature Vieira, with less of the disciplinary problems and unwanted media soundbites that plagued his early years at Highbury. He does not seem to get forward and get as many goals as he used to, but any team that can boast Vieira in its midfield can look forward every week to the lion's share of posession and to masterly, clever distribution of the football.

Verdict: Henry seems almost untouchable and his peers will surely illustrate that in their voting.

Stephen Orford
14/04/2004

728: PREMIERSHIP: Wolves will come

by : Antony Melvin

Easter is usually a little later in the calendar, but it also usually signals that one or two of the Premiership strugglers will fail to surface for air. The four teams that have looked likely to fight for one survival place (Leeds, Leicester, Portsmouth and Wolves) have now been joined by Man City and Blackburn. But for Wolves this is academic because they have a relegated look about them.

Last minute goals scored by Man City and Bolton over Easter have cost Wolves three points and the City game was especially galling as it could have brought extra pressure to another relegation candidate. Also beating City would have brought some solace in a miserable run of results that have seen Wolves win only one of the last twelve games.

Their run in is probably the easiest of the bottom six, but Wolves can usually be relied on to lose important late goals. So easy is pretty relative. Given their position it is probably realistic to expect Wolves to lose most if not all their remaining games. The teams with European ambitions (Middlesbrough, Birmingham, Newcastle) will be targeting the Wolves match as a must-win and with an ageing Wolves line-up losing heart it seems difficult for them to resist.

17 April: Middlesbrough (home)
25 April: Birmingham (away)
1 May: Everton (home)
8 May: Newcastle (away)
15 May: Tottenham (home)

The Everton and Tottenham matches are the only ones likely to yield points but by then Wolves will be down. With 25 points gained and only 5 games left the next time Wolves fail to win they will be condemned to 38 points or less which almost always signals relegation.

There are some bright spots for Wolves. Dave Jones may not be everyones idea of a great manager but he has proven that he can create promotable teams. He guided Stockport far higher than their natural station and he stabilised a rocky Southampton team before being removed for personal reasons. That Wolves relegation was all but confirmed in a four goal home drubbing by Southampton is ironic. A manager who can get teams promoted is a precious commodity.

Secondly Wolves have broken no transfer records to get where they are. So, like West Brom last season, Wolves should be in a strong financial position for next season, and given the poverty of ability, money and ambition displayed at most top level Nationwide clubs this can only augur an instant return.

Finally, and perversely, Wolves have no star players – Carl Cort, Alex Rae and Mark Kennedy are probably the best. This means that few, if any, of the Wolves players that the club wants to retain will want to leave. So Wolves can look forward to a summer where they can offload four or five high earners like Ince, Irwin, Luzhny and Iverson and probably pick up a defender and a holding midfielder for very little money.

Its an understatement to say its been a disappointing season. The relative success of all Wolves local rivals (possibly excepting Walsall) makes it all the more galling that Wolves will finish bottom in the first season in the big time for a generation. But this is a strong club that will come back in two seasons time even stronger.

Antony Melvin
14/04/2004

727: Premiership hall of fame: Paul

by : Stephen Orford

As Wolverhampton Wanderers creep ever closer to the Nationwide hole from whence they came, the possibility of retirement for one of their more famous players looms ever larger. Though it is not set in stone just yet, there is every chance that Paul Ince might finally bid farewell to professional football at the end of the season.

Ince has been around the top echelons of professional football for over 15 years after bursting on to the scene as a fresh-faced youngster at West Ham United. His skills first came to the public notice when he almost single handedly removed the then mighty Liverpool from the League Cup with a stirring midfield performance. Every Liverpool fan I spoke to thereafter was extolling the virtues of the young star, and his signature was one of the most highly sought after of the era. However, it was not Liverpool but their infamous and bitter rivals Manchester United who finally sealed a deal for Ince's signature, and whether their fans or their manager like it or not, it was a crucial deal in transforming the Old Trafford club from overpaid, mid-table misfits to all-conquering, perennial title winners. It is safe to say he was better than Ralph Milne.

Ince spent seven glorious years at Old Trafford and was a vital cog in the machine that trod on all before it. In a team that contained such luminaries as Schmeichel, Giggs, Cantona, Hughes and Kanchelskis it was Ince that provided the drive from midfield which often intimidated opponents into submission. For a time, the self-styled 'Guvnor' was the dominant central midfield player in English football in much the same way as Keane and Vieira have been in later years. The great trouble with Ince seemed to be that he was all too aware of his own importance. His manager, then known as plain old Alex Ferguson, seemed to grow tired of Ince's antics and amid murmurs of discontent he set about making the first in a series of controversial decisions in his managerial career that have set him apart from many of his rivals. Ferguson sent Ince to Inter Milan with a flea in his ear, and after also removing Hughes and Kanchelskis from his ranks he went on to build a team that would surpass any other in English football's archives. Even this year's Arsenal team.

Ince had only two years in Italy. Like so many players who try their luck in Serie A he was famous for fifteen minutes before the manic tinkering which plagues Italian football took hold. Even under the guidance of an English manager in Roy Hodgson Ince could not avoid the exit door at the San Siro. However, that his next destination should be Liverpool, the club who had first witnessed his potential in that League Cup encounter, was something of a surprise given his previous success at United.

Inevitably, he could not repeat that success during his time at Anfield. Ince arrived at Liverpool at a time when the club was accused, quite rightly, of having something of a soft under-belly. For all their intricate passing movements and the exciting unearthing of two local diamonds in Robbie Fowler and Steve McManaman, Liverpool were a club in decline. They had been struggling to provide the midfield bite and leadership previously given to them by the likes of Graeme Souness and Steve McMahon during their glory days, and it was naively thought that Ince might be the answer. It soon became clear that his best days were behind him and his achievements at Liverpool are modest. Though he captained the club and always looked as though he was giving his all, one couldn't help but feel that he was there merely to get up Alex Ferguson's nose. Ferguson, of course, had bigger fish to fry and remained indifferent to Ince's presence at Anfield. Finally, Ince was shipped out of Anfield to make room for the latest peddlar of midfield false dawns, and found himself at Middlesbrough.

Once the first black player to captain England, Ince was by now a shadow of his former self and with a Middlesbrough side containing a mixture of fancy Dans and players past their sell-by dates like Paul's Gascoigne and Merson, the Riverside club could not climb above mid-table in the Premiership. And so it came to pass that Ince found himself in the Nationwide League at Wolverhampton Wanderers. Accompanying him was former Manchester United team-mate Dennis Irwin. Together they contributed largely to the club's promotion push and have at times shown this year that they still possess that extra bit of class that perhaps some of their team-mates lack. With that lack of depth in quality, it looks almost certain that Wolves will return to the abyss at the end of the current season, and that we the football viewing public might finally have seen the last of one of the best midfielders of a generation.

Whether Wolves' fans will miss Ince is open to debate. If they do they will be among the first group of fans to do so. Almost without exception, Ince has returned to his old clubs to a chorus of boos or similar treatment. Being photographed in a Manchester United shirt before his transfer to Old Trafford was sealed did not endear him to the West Ham fans, while failure to keep a dignified silence when faced with criticism from Alex Ferguson and the endlessly unqualified Phil Thompson have also compromised his popularity.

Despite all of this, it is hard to argue with the talent, ability and will-to-win of the man. He may not be mentioned in the same breath as the likes of Cantona and Shearer when we come to remember the greats of the Premiership era, but for me he would not look out of place among any of them, particularly during his Old Trafford pomp.

Stephen Orford
14/04/2004

726: IRELAND: Roy Keane of Celtic a

by : Antony Melvin

Roy Keane is the best Irish footballer since the Belfast Boy started overworking his first liver. And the news that he is likely to play for Ireland again will bring a lift to all Irish sports fans ahead of a Euro 2004 that is lessened by their absence. He’s walked out on Ireland a couple of times now but his talent – even in these waning years – is enough to have him welcomed back with open arms. A driven Roy Keane is someone any team would have.

But could Keane do the ultimate Irish double and see out his last two or three seasons with Celtic? Why not. Following his announcement, there was also a strange quote from Sir Alex Ferguson where he said he welcomed the move. Unless there is a purple nosed imposter lurking around south Manchester this is a very odd quote, unless Keane is about to move on.

Ro Keane has often said he would love to turn out for his boyhood dream team, Celtic. Perhaps spending his last two or three seasons there. And this appears to be the only sane reason that Ferguson would welcome a return to international football for Keane – because it would make no difference to Manchester United. Having missed out on Euro 2004, Ireland don’t have another international match of any importance (ignore the friendlies obviously) until September. By which time he could be playing in Glasgow.

Although he is not the barnstorming player of five years ago, one area of improvement of Roy Keanes work, since his 2002 World Cup walk-out, is in his on-field behaviour. More specifically Roy Keane has been noticeably trying to improve his reputation for the past couple of seasons. With the exception of an elbow thrown at Jason McAteer and an ill-judged, ahem, leap over the odd goalkeeper he has kept his temper under control. Often being seen as an almost pacifying influence during the high profile, high tension games against Arsenal. A point Patrick Vieira made after the Old Trafford clash.

In preparation for retirement or even management, many players attempt to mend the bridges burnt haphazardly during their playing days. As the legs weaken the mind tends to sharpen and diplomacy stops being a dirty word. Returning to international football would complete the renaissance of Roy Keane’s reputation that has seen a number of lows in the past few years.

By playing for Celtic and Ireland Roy Keane’s stock would be at its highest in Ireland since 1994. This would be a smart move for an ambitious man who surely has his eye on management of either Celtic or Ireland over the next few years. If a suitable replacement can be found at United expect Roy Keane to play for Celtic and Ireland next season.

Antony Melvin
13/04/2004

725: CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Champions Le

by : Chris Owens

To paraphrase an expression, "who would have thunk it?" At the start of the season, maybe a few pundits would have backed Chelsea and their Russian revolution to reach the last four of the Champions League. Others would have supported the classy Spaniards of Deportivo la Coruna. But if anyone said they actually predicted a semi-final line-up of Chelsea, Deportivo, Porto and Monaco in August, I would say they were either a liar or should be an immediate replacement for Mystic Meg!

For the first time, a Champions League final will not have even one of the 'franchise' teams competing. No Madrid, Milan or Manchester United. Or Juventus, Valencia, Bayern Munich or Ajax. Even though Porto won the old European Champions Cup back in 1987, we are guaranteed a new winner of the new expanded format. Does this mean the cream of Europe have gone slightly sour?

I'd argue that this season has taken the Champions League onto another level. Removing the second group stage and having an extra round of 2-legged knockout matches has added excitement to the greatest club competition in the world. Whereas the group stages favoured the established forces, giving them a chance to regroup from occasional setbacks, the old-fashioned head-to-head gives a greater chance for an upset. Who can forget Porto's late goal at Old Trafford to break Manchester hearts?

Extending the knockout stages also provides real crunch ties between huge teams at an earlier stage. When the likes of Bayern Munich and Real Madrid have been drawn together in group stages previously, the games haven't meant that much as both teams can manage to get enough points from other group games to qualify. But this year, after being drawn together in the last 16, we witnessed two nerve-jangling battles before Madrid eventually went through.

Whilst the quality of the group stages is undoubtedly high, the competition really comes alive when it becomes sudden death. This week we have been treated to some of the most entertaining, edge-of-the-seat matches seen all season. The all-London affair at Highbury was a magnificent advertisement for English football, with the self-confessed 'crazy man' Claudio Ranieri watching a monumental second-half effort as his Chelsea team knocked Arsenal out of their second competition in four days. Monaco staged what many thought to be 'Mission Impossible', as they came from 5-2 down on aggregate to bring the 'Galacticos' of Real Madrid back down to earth. Whilst Wednesday saw the sequel, 'Mission Impossible: 2', as Deportivo's unbelievably demolished Milan, including Nesta and Maldini, 4-0 at the Riazor.

Even though Chelsea and Deportivo have become the bookies favourites, after the last week punters would be foolish to think the final will be a forgone conclusion. Any one of the four remaining teams would be a deserving winner. Chelsea, for the loveable Tinkerman and their sensational away record this season. Monaco for their never-say-die spirit against Madrid. Porto for their impressive coach Jose Mourinho and their progressive, stylish football. Or Deportivo for back-to-back triumphs against Juventus and AC Milan.

What we can be sure of though, is that we will get more of the same quality football, nerve-racking tension and unforgettable drama before the lucky captain raises the trophy aloft in Gelsenkirchen. Sudden-death Champions League football is a real knockout for the fans, and long may it continue.

Chris Owens
10/04/2004

721: Book review: "The South Wales

by : Ashley Michael

Andy: Omigod! I’m sorry Paul, you’ve got Sir Alex Ferguson. The wild Scot has a temper and ripped Gerard Houllier apart in the last round.
Martin: It couldn’t be any worse for Sturrock as he and Fergie have a long running feud going on from their allegiance to Scotland’s new firm in Dundee United and Aberdeen. Next out is …
Alan: Number five.
Martin: That’s Chelsea’s Mr Ruthless Claudio Ranieri, and he’ll be up against …
Roy: Number seven.
Andy: Sir Bobby Robson. Robson V Ranieri is sure to be a clash of cultures a the former England boss tackles everybody’s favourite Italian.
Martin: And there’s only two balls left.
Alan: Number one.
Martin: Arsene Wenger. Current Premiership league leaders, and he’ll be up against …
Roy: Number two.
Andy: Former Liverpool and Scotland hard man Graeme Souness. Blackburn have been one of the few teams that have taken points off the Gunners over the past couple of years. Could Souness spring a huge surprise on us here by defeating the all-conquering Frenchman?
Martin: So that’s the draw for the quarterfinals of Premiership Managers Brawl. Let’s just run down that draw again.
Sam Allardyce V Steve Bruce (17/4)
Paul Sturrock V Sir Alex Ferguson (24/4)
Claudio Ranieri V Sir Bobby Robson (8/5)
Arsene Wenger V Graeme Souness (15/5)
Andy: Another four thrilling fights are on the way so don’t forget to log on to squarefootball.net to watch all the action exclusively live.
Martin: I must say a big thanks to Alan Shearer and Roy Keane for making the draw today and I hope you log on next week to catch the first of these exhilarating brawls when Sam Allardyce and Steve Bruce lock horns to be the first man to book their place in the semi final of Premiership Managers Brawl. Until then though fight fans, keep them up!
Arsene Wenger once claimed that it was harder for Arsenal to win the
Premiership because of the number of local derbies they had to play.
Regardless of whether or not is is true it does point to one of the unwritten laws of football: local derbies are a bit special. Even a disappointing season can be looked back on fondly if your team takes six points off their local rivals, not to mention the unrivaled joy that comes from denying them promotion or helping send them down.

Dean Hayes' book traces the history of matches between Cardiff and Swansea, chronicling every meeting from the first in 1912 through to the 2002 FAW Premier Cup final. It takes in every single league, cup and friendly encounter, a testament to the depth of Hayes' research. It even includes wartime friendly matches where no records of the teams are kept due to the number of guest players, even including members of the crowd.

It is in the early days of the rivalry that Hayes digs up the most interesting stories, such as when Cardiff's Burton scored with an extravagant scissors kick and was congratulated by players from both teams.

It neatly sums up the more genteel era of 'black and white' football.
Otherwise the match reports are fairly dull with only the appearance of a well known player to liven up what is essentially a long list of results and scorers.

While the vast majority of the players will be unheard of to those not familiar with either team there are some major stars of their day, such as John Toshack and John Charles, and following their careers in the profiles section is genuinely interesting. For instance, there cannot be many players who have scored from seventy-five yards on their debut, as Charles did for Cardiff. It is also remarkable to note how many players have played for both Cardiff and Swansea proving that player loyalty was an issue long before the foreign influx of the nineties.

The real problem with this book is its lack of context. In recent years the main story behind this fixture has been one of crowd trouble but this gets barely a sentence in the whole book. Unless the reader has some knowledge of the the history of South Wales they will be left wondering what all the fuss is about.

At the time of writing it seems that this particular derby is, if not quite i yelevant, certainly lessening in significance. Swansea are mired in the third division while Cardiff, under charismatic chairman Sam Hammam, are moving to a brand new stadium and are looking for Premiership football to fill it. it may be a long time before Dean Hayes is required to update his book.

The South Wales Derbies: A History of Cardiff City versus Swansea City

Parrswood Press

Ashley Michael
08/04/2004

724: CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Are Real Mad

by : Chris Owens

Tremors shook the world of football on Tuesday as the self-proclaimed 'Galacticos' from Real Madrid surrendered a 5-2 aggregate lead in, quite appropriately, the playboy’s paradise of Monaco. For the second successive year the holy grail of the European Cup will not be returning to the Santiago Bernabeu, as the all-too idealistic 'Zidanes a Pavones' policy of president Florentino Perez continues to hamper his team's chances of success.

Hang on for a second, you say. Real are top of the table, looking to retain their la Liga title. They've only recently lost a cup final to Zaragoza, in extra time, you may add. Whilst the quality of teams in the Champions League means that any team can beat another - just ask Manchester United and Milan. But this is Real Madrid; they are not Arsenal, for example, who hope to win major trophies. Madrid demands and expects to win every trophy it competes for. And it is becoming increasingly evident that the way the club is being run has put obstacles in the way of this lofty ambition.

The policy of buying a single superstar every summer seems quite attractive on paper. Who wouldn't want Figo one year, then Zidane, followed by Ronaldo and and finally David Beckham? Who is going to be next - Totti? Henry? Nedved? It might be fantasy football, but rather fittingly at this time of year, putting all your eggs in one basket nearly always ends in failure. Perez and his sporting director Jorge Valdano seem to feel that these players are not just superstars but superhuman, and can play every single game during the season - in modern football this is impossible.

Madrid this season has basically been reduced to a first choice XI and a wonderful 12th man in the underrated Santi Solari. Any injuries, suspensions, or lack of form have to be compensated by a bench of talented but unproven youngsters such as Pavon, Mejia, Juanfran, Borja and Nunez. Take a look at the reserves of any other Champions league side and compare it - with tiredness setting in, it's no surprise Madrid are starting to slip up.

Neglecting the squad has been Perez's big mistake. Raul, the club captain, has recently voiced disagreement over the culling of valuable squad members over the last couple of years. He mentioned Fernando Hierro, Claude Makelele, Flavio, Pedro Munitis and whisper it quietly up in Manchester, Steve McManaman, as players they were missing. There is no greater irony than on-loan Fernando Morientes, a man whom Madrid still pay a reported 60 per cent of his salary, scoring two of the goals for Monaco and generally causing havoc over the two legs.

Until the powers that be implement a more sensible transfer policy, Madrid will continue to be found out at top European level. Failure to offer an acceptable bid for Valencia stopper Roberto Ayala ensured another season without a recognised organiser at the back. Whilst a mystery injury discovered during a painstaking medical put paid to signing another Argentine defender, Gabriel Milito, joining last summer – even though he has been fit enough to play a full part in Real Zaragoza’s season.

Look at this summer’s targets - Totti, Henry, Owen, Shevchenko – and ask yourself ‘how are these players going to strengthen a weak defence?’ Real fans are tough to please, and undoubtedly demand skilful, attractive football. But they also crave winners. Is Nesta or Vieira less of a ‘Galactico’ because they do a different job? No, it’s called playing a balanced team. Unless the hierarchy at Madrid embrace this pragmatism, build a strong squad, and stop trying to buy a team of attackers, they will continue to be found out by the cream of Europe.

Chris Owens
13/04/2004

723: NATIONWIDE: Sunderland bouncin

by : Chris Sherrard

The second half is equally shocking. Houllier chooses the 75th to make his move, introducing the goal machine that is Dietmarr Hammann into the fray.

McCaffrey: "Oh, hang on. Just what the North West need, another defensive holding midfield player (yawns and begins looking for bits of paper to scribble on to relieve his boredom).

Kamara: "This could be just the substitution to change the game, Rob."

McCaffrey: "Da-da-da-da-da (starts whistling and tapping the microphone inanely). I doubt it, Chris, I really doubt it mate. In fact, no. That's it. I have had enough. I'm going home. I'm leaving you to it. Enjoy."

Kamara: "What?"

McCaffrey leaves the studio. There are still 90 seconds on the game clock. Ryan Giggs picks up the ball on the half way line. He darts away from Stephen Wright, turns inside Gareth Southgate before luckily shin-rolling the ball under the advancing Given and into the net.

Kamara: "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RYAN GIGGS! THAT'S ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE, ROB! ROB? OH, HE'S GONE HASN'T HE? RYAN GIGGS HAS WON IT IN THE DYING SECONDS FOR THE NORTH WEST! RYAN GIGGS, YOU DARE NOT PICK THE BALL UP AND RUN ALL THE WAY TO GOAL AND SCORE FROM THERE!

Just before Kamara's head explodes the whistle sounds to end an otherwise deathly encounter. With McCaffrey long gone there is anarchy and disarray in the studio. Ever the professional Kamara explains, a little too loudly as he is still quite excited, that there the touchline reporter is not in place to do the interviews because he's given McCaffrey a lift home. Instead of handing on to the reporter, Kamara hands back to Keys in the studio. Off camera he puffs out his cheeks and exhales wildly as if to say 'what a game!'.

Keys: "So there you have it, a 1-0 win for the North West setting them on the way perhaps to a final appearance after the disappointment of their points deduction. For the North East, well (chuckles incredulously), it looks all up for them. Join us next week when we'll see how the South fare in their second game, this time against the Midlands. From all of us here, and those of us who left the car park an hour ago, it's goodbye."

The credits roll to the sound of the Pet Shop Boys 'Being Boring'.

Stephen Orford
08/04/2004Even allowing for the agonising single-goal defeat to Millwall in the semi-final of the FA Cup, this could turn out to be a tremendous season for Sunderland.

This time last season the Black Cats were down on their luck big-style. Tumbling out of the Premiership as officially the worst side ever to play there, Sunderland were a club on its back-side. They ended last season with just 19 points - the worst total anyone has collected since the league’s inception. They also came within one game of Darwin’s losing streak of 16 straight matches. It’s fair to say things could only get better for the long suffering Sunderland fans.

Three different managers didn’t help last season. But one of them, the current one, has worked wonders in not only stopping the ship from sinking but also turning it around and making it into a competitive force again. Mick McCarthy inherited a club in steep decline - a result of Peter Reid over-staying his welcome and out-of-touch Howard Wilkinson’s failure to get the side in tune with his archaic methods.

The former Ireland manager has seen his playing staff go from Internationals and star names to reserve players and cast-offs. It hasn’t mattered that Phillips, Reyna, Sorenson and the others have left. For in their places have come younger, hungrier more interested players. The likes of Mart Poom, George McCartney, Julio Arca and Tommy Smith would not be on all clubs’ wish lists but their contribution this season has been immeasurable in Sunderland’s rise to the edge of an instant return to the top-flight.

A season which started with two defeats and looked like becoming a period of re-building has turned into one of success and unification as they marched through the table and into the play-off places in confident style. One defeat at home all season is impressive in any league. No-one wants to go the Stadium of Light at present, where Sunderland are backed by some of the most passionate, vociferous supporters in the whole country. If a club’s position was based on their support then Sunderland would be playing European football every season. The fact that they are not is a matter best consigned to the files.

All that matters this season, all they are working towards and striving for is a return to the Premier League - the division where a club of it’s stature should be. The players at Sunderland have forged a team ethic, reminiscent of McCarthy’s Irish teams, where they are willing to run themselves into the ground for their team-mates. There may not be skill and flair to burn on Wearside but the fans have a team modelled on themselves - battlers.

Norwich and West Brom have somewhat ran away at the head of the division but they are rapidly being reeled in by Mick McCarthy and his side. With both sides still to come to the North-East, few would back against Sunderland going straight up at the first attempt. Those match-ups with the Baggies and Canaries could yet decide the destination of the Division One title this season. Two home victories then the FA Cup defeat will be a distant memory.

Whether Sunderland are ready to return to the top flight immediately is a matter open to debate. Few other clubs who have experienced such financial problems have coped quite as well. What is apparent is they have exactly the right man in charge of their club. A man who will lead them back to the Premier League, even if it’s not this season.

It’s impossible to describe a season which has featured a semi-final appearance in front of a packed house at Old Trafford, and currently sees the club sit third in the table with at least a play-off place to show for it, as anything other than a triumph. Wearside’s football fans, who once created the legendary Roker Roar and have transferred it in all it’s intimidatory glory to their new stadium, can again beat their chest in pride at their team. It has taken until now for Mick McCarthy to stamp his mark on the club which was on it’s knees when he took the hot-seat, it will be another season or so before he will be happy with the squad of players and league position Sunderland control. But Sunderland will always remain a big club. Their manager has the team playing like one and that bodes well for a return to the country’s top table.

Chris Sherrard
06/04/2004

722: Masters 2024, #4

by : Stephen Orford

The year is 2024. In an attempt to boost flagging ratings in the post-Premiership era, Sky Sports have revived the Masters Football series once popular at the turn of the century. Teams from the North West, North East, South and Midlands will compete for the title of Masters Champions.

One thing that hasn't changed in the 20 years since the players on show were in their pomp, is the fact that Richard Keys is Sky's top man when it comes to sports coverage. In an absurd tie that would embarrass those other two infamous Richard's, Whiteley and Madeley, Keys smoothly links to the commentary team of Rob McCaffrey and Chris Kamara. The pair are as enthusiastic and over the top as ever, if not more so.

McCaffrey: "Hello and welcome to the next gripping installment in this mesmerising Masters Series 2024. The South put their cards on the table with a fine 3-0 win against the North East last week. Can the North East bounce back from that today against the North West, or will Gerard Houllier's men consign Steve McLaren's side to almost certain elimination. Kammy, the teams (taps the microphone three times)."

Kamara: "Well Rob, Gerard Houllier told me before the game that he wanted to name an unchanged side from the game against the Midlands. He was quite upset when I told him that he'd have to drop somebody after naming an unbelievable 12 players for that game. He got quite cross actually. He mumbled something about how us press types are always trying to make him look stupid. Anyway, he's stuck with Tim Howard in goal and for this one he's reverted to a flat back four of Gary Neville, Mikael Silvestre, Rio Ferdinand and Sami Hyypia. In midfield he's got Roy Keane and Steven Gerrard in the middle, with Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes offering a little width."

McCaffrey: Gerard Hollier doesn't do width though, does he?

Kamara: "Perhaps not. Anyway up front it's Ruud Van Nistelrooy and Wayne Rooney after his magnificent performance as a substitute last time out."

McCaffrey: "So, no Michael Owen then?"

Kamara: "I've just spoke to Michael and he's suffering a little from a bad back he tells me."

McCaffrey: "Some things don't change do they? Anyway, the North East side Kammy, if you will."

Kamara: "Rob, the North East have got Given in goal again, with a back four of Stephen Wright, Gareth Southgate, Ugo Ehiogu is in for the suspended Jonathan Woodgate and at left back it is Olivier Bernard. Across midfield it's Dyer, Zenden's in for the inneffective Robert, then it's Mendietta and Juninho."

McCaffrey: "Talking of being inneffective. You can't get much more inneffective than those two can you?"

Kamara: "Er...no comment, Rob."

The game gets under way and it is the North East who have much of the early possession. However, faced with a ten-man North West wall they struggle to make any headway. The first fifteen minutes of the game pass almost without incident.

Kamara: "Well, Rob. This is an absolutely unbelievable game. The pace of it is just something esle and the skills on show, well, I just can't believe it!"

McCaffrey: "Have you ever seen a bad game, Chris?"

Kamara: "Absolutely not, Rob. Never."

McCaffrey: "Well I reckon you are seeing one today. The North East haven't got a clue while the North West look like they're on holiday."

Finally, after half an hour of miserable North East attack against miserly North West defence, something interesting happens. Wayne Rooney strolls through the tackles of Southgate and Ehiogu only to scuff his shot badly with the goal gaping. The ball almost goes out for a throw-in, a fact which McCaffrey seems to find hilarious.

McCaffrey: (laughing loudly) "Oh, that was great!"

Kamara: "I thought he was unlucky, Rob."

McCaffrey: "Unlucky? He's had a bit of a Geoff Thomas hasn't he there, and all that kind of stuff?"

720: Premiership managers brawl: #1

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Hello and welcome to Premiership Managers Brawl coming to you exclusively live from the headquarters of squarefootball.net as we eagerly await the draw for the quarterfinal of this bruising competition.
Andy: You could say that it’s the competition that every Premiership boss is literally dying to win.
Martin: It certainly is that Andy. We’re down to the last eight and ready for action once more are Arsene Wenger, Alex Ferguson, Graeme Souness, Steve Bruce, Bobby Robson, Claudio Ranieri, and Sam Allardyce.
Andy: Hold on a minute ... That’s only seven! Surely to make a fair draw we need eight fighters.
Martin: I was just coming to that. Gordon Strachan should be taking his place in the draw after seeing off Harry Redknapp but the wee Scotsman quit the Saints on health reasons and quit the show.
Andy: Chicken!
Martin: However we are pleased to announce that his replacement is a fellow Scot and the new Southampton manager Paul Sturrock.
Andy: Old Luggy is in the draw! This could be a major advantage for the former Plymouth boss, thrown right in at the deep end. He’ll thrive on that.
Martin: It could be provided he misses one of the big hitters in this round.
Andy: Well that’s going to be harder said than done because all of these quarterfinalists got here on merit after awesome victories in the last round.
Martin: What do the bookies have to say on the matter?
Andy: Well unsurprisingly they have announced a very close shop due to the very nature of this game where anything can and more often than not does actually happen. Sir Alex Ferguson, Wenger, Ranieri and Souness are all priced at 1/2 Steve Bruce and Sam Allardyce are at 3/1, Sir Bobby Robson at 4/1 but the novice Paul Sturrock is rank outsider at 10/1.
Martin: That’s surely worth a shot in anyone’s book.
Andy: It’s certainly worth a look.
Martin: Anyway lets not drag this out any longer. With us to make the draw are two guys who would easily be the first two names on the Premiership’s greatest players list Manchester United’s captain Roy Keane and Newcastle United’s captain Alan Shearer.
Roy Keane and Alan Shearer nod their heads and give a smile.
Martin: Thank you for being here tonight to help pull the balls out of the bag.
Roy: Don’t worry about it.
Alan: It’s a pleasure.
Martin: Well the numbers to look out for in today’s draw are as follows. Number one is Arsene Wenger.
Andy: Number two is Blackburn’s Graeme Souness
Martin: Three is the Birmingham boss Steve Bruce.
Andy: Four is none other than ‘The Clubber’ Big Sam Allardyce.
Martin: Five is the Premiership’s self-confessed tinker man Chelsea’ s Claudio Ranieri.
Andy: Number six is Britain’s most successful manager Sir Alex Ferguson.
Martin: Number seven is the pensioner of the Premiership Sir Bobby Robson.
Andy: And finally number eight is the new man on the block Paul Sturrock.
Martin: Well Roy and Alan if you could empty the balls into the tub, make sure that they are all out … Alan you’ll be drawing the home fighter and Roy you’ll be doing the away fighter.
Andy: Ok if you could just give them a little mix and let the draw commence.
Alan Shearer pops his hand into the tub and pulls out the first ball.
Alan: Number four.
Martin: Number four … that’s ‘The Clubber’ Big Sam Allardyce! The Bolton boss is the only manager to have progressed from the qualifying rounds and he’s been in devastating form beating the lights out of Peter Reid and Kevin Keegan to make it here, and he’ll be up against …
Roy: Number three.
Andy: Birmingham’s Steve Bruce! The former Manchester United defender is set to travel to the Reebok Stadium in what is sure to be a fight not to be missed.
Shearer pulls out the next ball.
Alan: Number eight.
Martin: It’s the novice Paul Sturrock against …
Keano pulls out a ball.
Roy: Oh this one’s for you boss. Number six.

719: CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Champions Le

by : Stephen Orford

In a week that has seen Real Madrid, Arsenal and now AC Milan dumped unceremoniously out of the Champions' League, we have been left with possibly the most open competition at the last four stage for many years.

Milan's unbelievable exit at the hands of Deportivo La Coruna last night (April 7) means that none of last season's four semi-finalists have managed to repeat the trick in 2004. In a year full of surprises it is now left to Chelsea, AS Monaco, FC Porto and Deportivo to scuffle among themselves for the prize.

At the start of the season you would not have found many people willing to bet that Chelsea would be England's sole representatives at the semi final stage. Tuesday night's exhilerating 2-1 second leg victory over the previously more heralded Arsenal has converted many people from sceptics to believers in Claudio Ranieri's cause. Notwithstanding the millions of pounds that has been thrown at the task of turning Chelsea into a major European player, Ranieri has done a miraculous job. Under pressure for most of the season due to incessant press speculation about his future, Ranieri has managed somehow to focus on the job in hand.

Though he often and sometimes rightly receives criticism for his team and formation selections, the self-proclaimed 'Tinkerman' has guided Chelsea not only to this lofty European perch, but also to cementing themselves as the nearest challenger to Arsenal for the Premiership. He may have had more money to spend than almost any manager in world football, but moulding the star names he has assembled into a coherent team unit has taken patience and no small amount of talent. Regardless of what happens to Chelsea in their semi final with Monaco and in the run-in to the league campaign, the removal of Ranieri from his post at Stamford Bridge would be nothing short of scandalous.

It is ironic that the team standing in their path to a Champions' League Final appearance is managed by a former Chelsea man. World Cup winning captain in 1998, and the man once famously referred to by French team-mate Eric Cantona as 'the water carrier', Didier Deschamps has also achieved miracles in guiding Monaco to this stage. The team from the principality have had moments of European glory before, even winning at Old Trafford on one memorable occasion, but their disposal of Real Madrid's Galacticos after being 4-2 down in the first leg will live long in the memory. Real's exit to the admittedly unpredictable French league outfit may seem at face value to have made Chelsea's route to the final a little smoother, but any team who can remove a team containing Zidane, Figo, Ronaldo and Raul cannot be dismissed. In star striker Giuly, whose two goals helped account for Real in that epic quarter final second leg comeback, Monaco have one of the players of the tournament so far and will provide a stern test for Chelsea over the two legs.

If Monaco's victory over Real was unlikely, then Deportivo's stunning destruction of defending champions AC Milan defies belief. It is perhaps beyond the wit of this writer to find the words to describe the sensation that was last night's (April 7) 4-0 win, but the result should serve as a reminder to all that Deportivo have a real chance also of bringing home the bacon for the first time in their history. It should also be remembered that the Spanish club, now their nation's only remaining hope in the competition, were also responsible for the departure of last season's other finalists Juventus in the last 16 this year. With players of the calibre of Pandiani, Luque and Valeron added to the considerable talents of the mercurial Fran and the always dangerous Diego Tristan, Deportivo La Coruna could be celebrating come May 19.

All of which leaves FC Porto. The Portuguese club, who relieved us all of Sir Alex Ferguson's Champions' League post-match interviews for another season in early March, are the only side left in the competition to have previously got their hands on the trophy. That was in 1987 when it was known as the plain old European Cup, and the marketing men had not yet worked out a way of making it possible for Fulham and Birmingham City to qualify. The current side may not contain the footballing enigma that was Paolo Futre, who so skilfully masterminded that win over Bayern Munich 17 years ago, but it is a force to be reckoned with nonetheless. It is not only Manchester United who can testify to FC Porto's current European pedigree. Celtic too know all about it after losing out to the Oporto side in last year's UEFA Cup final in Seville. Porto, under much sought after coach Jose Mourinho, will now look to make it two European trophies in two seasons after coming through their quarter final with Lyon 4-2 on aggregate.

So, whose your money on? Mine's in my pocket, and after this week's quarter final second leg results it might just stay there.

Stephen Orford
08/04/2004

718: PREMIERSHIP: Arsenal fail thei

by : Stephen Orford

With two defeats in the space of four days 'unbeatable Arsenal' have twice been beaten and now find themselves with only the Premiership title left to play for. All talk of trebles and claiming the title of the best team ever will now stop, and the football world can come back to some semblance of normality.

I say they 'only' have the Premiership title to play for. Of course, any fan would love his or her club to be in the position that Arsene Wenger's men find themselves in at the top of the league. Unbeaten in an unprecedented first 30 fixtures of the league campaign, Arsenal should still carry off the prize at something of a canter. However, their place in history now looks shaky to say the least after they were dumped out of the FA Cup by Manchester United on Saturday, and after last night's (April 6) knockout blow by Chelsea in the Champions' League.

Arsenal's attempts to emulate the treble-winning Manchester United team of 1999 now lie in tatters. An 'interesting' team selection against United in the FA Cup semi final showed just how cocky the Gunners had become in their doomed quest for world domination. To leave Thierry Henry, the alleged best player in the world, out of the side for such a huge occasion was a gross miscalculation by Wenger. Only a week previously he had seen with his own eyes how the Old Trafford club could get at his side and worry them. Whether he failed to learn the lessons from that game, or whether he was simply disrespecting the FA Cup in his selections is unclear. What is clear is that despite having a fantastic side full of players of mesmerising skill and athleticism, Arsenal's class of 2004 has lost the opportunity to be among the all-time greats.

The schedule has not been kind to the Highbury club in their search for footballing greatness. The league and cup games with United and the two Champions' League encounters with Chelsea came thick and fast. However, Wenger would have been wise to ask a player of Henry's calibre to endure the busy period while offering him the opportunity of a rest at a later, less important date. As it turns out, Henry will now earn a rest anyway as a hamstring injury looks set to rule him out of Arsenal's Easter Premiership programme. Games against the two sides battling for fourth place, Liverpool and Newcastle United, could now test the North London side to the limit. Chelsea are poised to take advantage of any slips, and the Stamford Bridge club have an outside chance, albeit a very slim one, of completely ruining Arsenal's season.

So where did it all go wrong for Arsenal's Champions' League hopes? In truth they came up against a more determined, hungrier and quite desperate Chelsea oufit. Arsenal were not just beaten on the night, they were outplayed for long periods especially in the second half. While they will point to missed chances in both the cup tie with Manchester United and in the early going of last night's Champions' League clash, they have to face up to the fact that a truly great team would have fought back and won both matches. Who can forget United's own FA Cup semi final traumas against Arsenal back in 1999? At 1-1 with only a few minutes to go they conceded a penalty. Peter Schmeichel's subsequent save of Dennis Bergkamp's spot-kick paved the way for that now memorable Ricky Villa-esque winning goal by hairy-chested, shirt-swinging Ryan Giggs. Or their perhaps even more remarkable comeback against Juventus in the Champions' League semi finals that year? Two goals down they fought their way back to win 3-2 with imperious performances from part-time film-making strike duo Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole. My, how Blackburn must be crying out for a performance of such magnitude as they battle the very real possibility of a return to the doldrums.

On such moments are legends made, and in the past few days Arsenal have found themselves sadly lacking in that area. When they needed someone to stand up and be counted, someone who would refuse to let them lose, there were no takers for the job. For the first time in five encounters between the two sides this season, Patrick Vieira found himself being trampled on by Frank Lampard as the former West Ham man drove his side on to glory. With Real Madrid's shock exit from the competition at the hands of Monaco and AC Milan's amazing submission, the chances of real glory for the Blues have increased somewhat.

So where now for Arsenal? They have seven games left in which to cement their third title in six years and though Liverpool and Newcastle could be tricky, only the North London derby with Tottenham looks challenging beyond that. Along with 99% of football fans I shall probably watch on enviously as Vieira hoists the famous trophy aloft at one of Arsenal's May fixtures. By then, my own team will be trophyless, probably looking forward to another UEFA Cup campaign next season and in all likelihood they will have a managerial vacancy to fill. Gunners' fans on the other hand will be able to finally celebrate what has been a remarkable season of achievement at Highbury.

Yet, it could have been so much better.

Stephen Orford
07/04/2004

712: Game review: Urban freestyle f

by : Chris Sherrard

The market for Playstation football games has a new challenger. If you’re tired or bored with FIFA 2004 and Pro-Evolution (heaven forbid) then get your hands on a copy of Urban Freestyle Soccer.

For a long time the FIFA series dominated the playing habits of football-loving gamers. Then came Pro-Evolution offering a similar format but something slightly different. Now we have Urban Freestyle Soccer which is nothing like its competitors but an enjoyable, head-swelling experience. You take on rival ‘gangs’ from London to Harlem in street footy battles where the skills available to you are more than Zidane, Beckham and Henry can ever dream about.

No straight short passes for you anymore. Now its back-heeled spinning flicks and fancy, intricate moves which will impress even yourself as you carry them out. It’s a five-aside experience with a difference – you’re actually good. As I challenged the street kids of inner-city London to a grudge match in reply to their narrow 6-5 victory just before, I found myself flicking the ball over my head to my team-mate before racing through to collect the return and hooking the ball into the air for another team-mate to bicycle kick between the makeshift oil-drum goalposts. Fantasy football indeed.

There is a career mode where you construct and build a reputation in the ‘hoods’ as a proper show-off king inviting others to ‘come and have a go if they think they’re hard enough’.

The lack of real ‘keepers nets can be a challenge and a frustration at the same time. They differ from setting to setting so you could blast a screamer into the top corner but, while you’re off celebrating, the ball has rebounded straight out into play because the target you’ve just hit is nothing more than a wall or a garage door opened up. On the plus side though, this keeps you on your toes and makes for frenetic matches.

The game does, at times, attempt to be all things to all men. But it is a concept which I can see taking off and a great game to play with two or three others as you try desperately to out-trick each other. Like a Nike football advert all the skills are on show. The fact that no real players are used shouldn’t be an issue but it would be interesting to play with Figo, Ronaldo and the rest on the streets of New York. As it is, though, Urban Freestyle Soccer is a game worth giving a go. If only for the arrogance and self-belief it will armour you with.

Urban Freestyle Soccer (PS2)

Chris Sherrard
01/04/2004

716: UEFA CUP: Newcastle pin hopes

by : Chris Sherrard

Bobby Robson’s Toon Army can salvage what has, for them, been a disappointing season with victory over PSV Eindhoven in the quarter-finals of the UEFA Cup. European victory would surely provide the impetus for the Geordies to finish their season on a decidedly better note than they started it.

This season has seen Newcastle United again challenge for a Champions League spot. The difference between this campaign and ones in the recent past, is the difficulty which they have encountered on the way. Fourth spot in the Premiership is by no means guaranteed in the way it has been of late. Liverpool, Charlton, Aston Villa and a host of other clubs still harbour serious ambitions of taking the final spot on offer as English representatives in next season’s lucrative Champions League.

On all fronts, including, it has to be said, Europe, it has been a poor campaign for the Tynesiders. Elimination from the Champions League at the hands of under-fancied Partizan Belgrade showed that Robson’s young side still has a lot to learn if they are to consider themselves among the continent’s elite. Since that point, it has been up-and-down on the domestic front for the boys in black and white. With things going well in the league around the turn of the year, they crashed out of the FA Cup at the hands of rivals Liverpool - a potentially fatal psychological blow.

It’s to Europe that Robson and his men have turned in search of hope and a long overdue trophy. One of the clear bonuses of qualifying for the Champions League is, if it should go sour at the first hurdle, there is the consolation of UEFA Cup football to try and make amends. Newcastle have seized on the opportunity that defeat in Belgrade has afforded them. With the exception of the tie with Norwegian outfit Valarenga, the Toon have looked as good as any side in the competition on their day.

PSV Eindhoven should provide the biggest challenge of the season for Newcastle, though. Another beneficiary of the ‘back-door’ route into the UEFA Cup, PSV have some notable scalps to their name in European football this season. They narrowly failed to advance from the group stages of the Champions League despite seeing off Deportivo and drawing with Monaco - the two sides to go through. Since coming into the UEFA Cup they have beaten struggling Italian side Perugia followed by a comfortable defeat of Auxerre in the last sixteen.

If Newcastle were to see off the Dutch challenge they could be confident of claiming a morale-boosting final spot. Their opponents in the semi-final would most likely be an out-of-sorts Inter Milan side. A team they have fond memories of playing from last season’s epic 2-2 Champions League clash at the San Siro.

The Toon Army, like their regional rivals, are crying out for some silverware to work themselves into a frenzy about. If Newcastle, managed by Geordie legend Bobby Robson and led on the pitch by Geordie legend Alan Shearer, were to claim the UEFA Cup in the final in Gothenburg on the 19th May, Tyneside would go nuts. The people of the town would spill into the city in their hundreds of thousands to salute their heroes. They would celebrate like a cup has never been celebrated before and maybe even forgive failure to claim fourth pot in the table. A cup is what they want more than anything. Now all the team has to do is win it!

Chris Sherrard
06/04/2004

717: PREMIERSHIP: Can Arsenal conce

by : Antony Melvin

Chelsea have beaten Arsenal. You may already be aware of that. But it is the second defeat in four days, against domestic opposition, for the previously imperious league leaders. It is clear that their confidence is waning, and in a photocopy of last season there is a team coming up on their shoulder, winning every match and seemingly eager enough to play a match every day.

As the obvious tiredness swept through the Arsenal team tonight, Chelsea responded and got stronger and stronger. Unlike Saturday’s game where Manchester United were reduced to just 2 or 3 chances, here Chelsea had more chances to score in the second half than Arsenal mustered in the match.

Arsenal are suddenly mentally and physically tired. They are still the best team in the league – you cannot avoid defeat for 30 consecutive league matches easily – but they are hurting. How they respond to the pain will shape the title race.

The big three negatives to come out of tonights game are the loss of Thierry Henry to a back injury, the form and temperament of their goalkeeper and the seeming inability of Arsenal to raise their game when they are not dictating the tempo. These are three clear dangers to the Highbury club.

For the second time in a week a team has got at them physically, swamped the space in midfield and thus cut off the midfield supply lines. Henry has barely had a couple of snatched shots in the last couple of matches. Every team they have got left to play will feel that if they rough Arsenal up then they can beat them. Unforunately for the majority of English football Manchester United and Chelsea are the only teams with the personnel to both rough Arsenal up and then hurt them with goals.

Its still Arsenal’s title, however you look at it. The next two fixtures are tough ones: home to Liverpool and away to Newcastle. But even if Arsenal were to lose them both they would still be top of the table, with only a derby game against Tottenham left to threaten them. But Arsene Wenger will improve the resolve in his team and it still seems unlikely that either of these two title race also-rans will get wins against Arsenal.

Always look for the positives in any situation. Arsenal cannot now win a cup this season, but the consolation of a league title is a huge one. The games coming up against Liverpool and Newcastle are very important – but Arsenal have earned the right to not have to win them by their early and mid-season form. Two draws may not set the pulses racing but it would be enough to maintain enough clear daylight between Arsenal and Chelsea to see Arsenal home.

If Arsenal legs are getting weary they can console themselves that the seasons finish line is quite a bit closer than it looked like being five days ago. Just seven games left and if Arsenal can concentrate on the league then it is theirs for the taking. Once the hurt fades away this must be the lesson that Arsenal take into the seasons finale.

Antony Melvin
06/04/2004

711: Mavericks: Diego Maradona, Boc

by : Chris Sherrard

There's no more scoring in the first half as the ten man North East team turn to ultra defensive mode. The South continue to pass the ball impeccably but they resemble the 1994 Colombian World Cup squad in terms of their style of play. A 24-man passing movement late in the game ends with the South earning a throw-in deep inside their own half. There is time for one last moment of genius, as substitute Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, brought on earlier for the inneffective Ljungberg, rattles a 30-yard screamer in off Shay Given's left hand post. The whistle blows to bring the curtain down on a 3-0 victory for the South.

McCaffrey: Well, a blinding performance and all that kind of stuff from the South there, Kammy. Let's go down to our touchline reporter to find out what the managers made of it all.

Reporter: "With me is South manager Arsene Wenger. Arsene, happy with that performance?"

Wenger: "Er....yes, I fink we dominated most of ze match. We scored free great goals and passed the ball very well and er, all in all, it was very good. I fink we dropped physically in ze second half but it is the first game and so you expect to be not quite at your best."

Reporter: "And what about the sending off of Jonathan Woodgate?"

Wenger: "Well er, Robert says he was fouled very strongly by Woodgate and zat is why he went down for so long and so I suppose you can say he deserved to be sent off."

Reporter: "But do you agree with Robert's assessment?"

Wenger: "I did not see vee incident."

Reporter: "Arsene, thankyou. If I can just bring in Steve McLaren now. Steve, a disappointing opening performance."

McLaren: "Yes. They're a great side. We were outclassed."

McLaren smiles broadly as if the result hasn't really had any effect on his mood.

Reporter: "I must say you don't look overly upset about it?"

McLaren: "Well, that's football isn't it? You can't win them all. I won the Carling Cup once, you know?"

Reporter: "Er, yes. Thanks a lot, Steve."

McCaffrey: "A very philosophical Steve McLaren there. So there you have it, a comfortable victory for the South. If we can just quickly show you the table before we go you'll see that the South jump to the top as the only side to gain a win in round 1, the Midlands are second with their controversial point against the North West, while the North East are rooted to the bottom having taken a bit of a battering here. Join us next time when the North East are in action again, this time against the North West. For now it's back to the studio and Richard."

Keys again confidently and expertly winds up the show, complete with random chuckling and that constantly amazed facial expression. The credits roll as images of Shay Given picking the ball out of his net are accompanied by the sound of the top ballad of the day.

Stephen Orford.
01/04/2004The gift and the curse of Diego Maradona

Looking at Diego Armando Maradona as he is today, it’s hard to imagine the short, overweight drug-abused body belongs to what many believe to be the finest footballer ever seen. His story is of a life which went from top to bottom and back again over the course of a roller-coaster career spanning twenty-one years with six different clubs.

It’s a shame that the legend of Maradona has been displaced somewhat by an image of cheating and over-indulgence. Because when you consider players on a pure playing level, there was none finer than the Argentine. There never has been.

Cases can be made for many of the heroes of football as being the Greatest of All Time but no one single-handedly won matches, trophies and plaudits in quite the same way as Diego. Pele was an unbelievable striker but it could be argued that he was surrounded by brilliance in both his national side and at club level and that must have gone a long way in contributing to his legend. Maradona, on the other hand, won two Scudetto titles for a modest Napoli side on his own. For his country in 1986, he was the ignited spark which helped Argentina lift the World Cup in Mexico. On the way to that triumph, as all English fans know, he cheated by punching the ball past Shilton but his goal five minutes later was the real Maradona at his most awesome, creative, mesmerizing best when he dribbled effortlessly around five English tacklers before depositing the ball past a helpless Shilton for the second time. You could say that quarter-final match against Robson’s England summed Diego Maradona up – sublime and conniving in equal measure but the end product astounding.

He played just 58 games for Barcelona but contrary to popular belief, it was not the arrival of Terry Venables which heightened the Argentine’s departure from Catalonia. Brought in alongside the German midfield schemer, Bernd Schuster, in an attempt to finally end Barca’s barren spell in the European Cup, Maradona’s impact at the Nou Camp was held back significantly by off-field distractions and near financial ruin. This could be seen as a starting point of the decline and insecurity so evident with hindsight. When Venables was appointed manager in 1984 it became clear to him that Maradona and his agent were desperate for a big-money transfer as a way of easing the financial strain which came with the footballer’s incessant spending in Spain.

Although there were rumours of links with the Naples Mafia during his lengthy spell in the Italian south, the seven years he spent there were easily the most productive of his career. They coincided with his playing peak and the Italians where privileged to witness explosive, unstoppable brilliance from the game’s finest exponent.

His addictive personality has always been clear but the one vice we should relish in Maradona’s character was his obsession with playing football. We should give thanks that he loved nothing more than showing the world his ability with a ball at his feet. That addiction to the beautiful game saw Diego extend his career right up until 97 where he finished where he almost started – at his beloved Boca Juniors, the club where his soul always lay even when his heart was with others. The fans of Boca, like the supporters of Napoli, Barcelona, Argentinos Juniors, Sevilla and Newell’s Old Boys, were the privileged ones who had Maradona on their side. For to be against him was, at times, to be against football itself.

Everyone regrets the fact that when we think of Diego Maradona now we think of drugs. The love-affair he has had with cocaine is regrettable not only for his fans, of whom there are millions worldwide, but also, I would imagine, to the man himself. But it shouldn’t mask the fact that when he was on a football pitch he was the supremo, the quick-footed star of the game who had tricks and skills to burn and opponents trailing in his slipstream. He was the best footballer ever.

Chris Sherrard
01/04/2004

714: PREMIERSHIP: Boro boys lead th

by : Chris Sherrard

Boro boys lead the way for North-East rivals

Middlesbrough fans will argue that they are the North-East’s number one this season. They will make this claim, not because of their final league position or superior record against their regional rivals, but because they have bagged a trophy. That counts for so much in their area of the country. Silverware has been in rare supply here where fans of the three big clubs - Boro, Newcastle and Sunderland - would probably cut off any limb in exchange for a cup triumph to get excited about.

Sunday 29th February marked the end of a drought for Boro which had lasted for 138 frustrating years. It marked the finish point of the agonising chase for a cup, any cup. Not since Sunderland’s FA Cup upset of Leeds in 1973 has a major trophy found it’s way to what is regularly referred to as ‘a hot-bed of football in this country’. When Gareth Southgate hoisted the Carling Cup into the Cardiff air earlier this season it lifted the burden of failure from Middlesbrough’s shoulders.

It was a triumph for their young manager, Steve McClaren, the players, supporters and most of all the chairman, Steve Gibson. It was Gibson who bankrolled the Bryan Robson era, witnessing a handful of cup final defeats and a relegation from the top-flight in the process. Gibson should be awarded player of the season in recognition of his role in shaking the proverbial monkey from Boro’s back.

On the league front, it has been a strange season for the Teessiders. They have suffered from the same condition which has blighted the campaigns of many premiership teams - inconsistency. It was a 2-1 home win over Everton in late September before they got the first win on the board. There has been a baffling scenario whereby Middlesbrough have beaten Manchester United at Old Trafford either side of defeats to Blackburn and rivals Newcastle. They can also boast of having twice beaten Arsenal this season and holding Liverpool, but also failing to beat Leicester home and away and crashing to a home defeat by Leeds.

Despite having one of the meanest defences in the country - they went eight clean sheets in the league in a row at one stage - they have also conceded 12 to Arsenal alone and let in 3 or more goals in at least four other league games. With a little more consistency Middlesbrough would be knocking on the door for a top 5 finish this year instead of mid-table again.

Goals is clearly an area Steve McClaren will be looking to address in the summer break. Juninho and Nemeth - two players who haven’t always played this season - remain joint top-scorers in the league for the club. Elsewhere, however, the situation looks increasingly bright for Boro fans. At the back they have some excellent players, led by Southgate and backed up by Ugo Ehiogu, Chris Riggott, Frank Quedrue, Danny Mills and the dependable Mark Schwarzer between the posts. Midfield is, currently, Middlesbrough’s strongest area. This season has saw the combined talents of Mendieta, Zenden, Juninho, Boateng, Doriva and Greening produce some magical football. If they can hang onto those players and keep them all motivated and interested in the club then next season could see Boro move on another step. But that isn’t a conclusive matter as Mendieta and Zenden are due to go back to their clubs, Lazio and Chelsea respectively, at the end of their season-long loan deals. Taking those two out of the equation leaves McClaren with problems and he’ll be desperately trying to persuade them to hang about and finish what they have started at the Riverside.

Whether Middlesbrough finish inside or just outside the top half of the Premiership this season, they will still look back on this campaign as a successful one. They will goad their local rivals and valiantly claim to be the area’s top dogs this year. Pride in their teams is not something the North-East’s fans have been able to revel in of late. The ones down by the Riverside can do just that now. They have a cup and that’s more than most teams will be able to claim this season.

Chris Sherrard
05/04/2004

715: CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Lucky Chelse

by : Antony Melvin

In Britain we love an underdog. And in football terms every time there is a game between domestic teams where one of those teams is Arsenal, the other team is the underdog. The events of Saturday when a tired looking Arsenal side were beaten by a highly motivated Manchester United side does not change this.

To paraphrase a clich, Arsenal will not have to be at their best to beat Chelsea, but Chelsea will have to be at their best to beat Arsenal.

Arsenal are still a delight to watch. And recent results which have seen them draw with Chelsea and Manchester United and even losing to United in the Cup do not change this. If the ball had run for them, as it has done so many time this season, they would have won all three games, the papers would be in raptures and all would be set up for a processional romp tonight. But doubts have crept in and suddenly this is not the way the papers are writing this one up and the papers are now widely predicting an unlikely Chelsea success.

Irrespective of the papers if Arsenal play near to their ability they will win and play Real Madrid in the semi-final. Arsenal will be missing no-one who is irreplaceable and even if the weekend doubts over Reyes and Ljungberg do clear up, Arsene Wenger is still likely to prefer the more combative Bergkamp and Edu. Chelsea are missing Cudicini as well as Desailly – but team news is unlikely to be a major consideration.

But Arsenal are starting to look a little tired, as they did at this time last season. Of course a victory will reinvigorate and drive them on to further success, and results in these one-off games will not stop them from winning the title. But right now Arsenal are vulnerable in one-off matches – so perhaps Chelsea have struck lucky in facing them tonight.

Chelsea have endured a miserable sequence of results against Arsenal, failing to beat them in 17 games. And as all sequences have to end, its high time that this one was buried. Six years of draws and defeats were almost ended in the first leg of this tie, and surely Chelsea have now got the confidence to believe that they can end this run.

Tonight seems set up to be a classic, and so will probably be awful. The most likely result if both teams continue their current form is a draw – possibly a 1-1 draw that will result in extra-time. If Arsenal’s luck really is on the turn – and to maintain such a long unbeaten run requires a big slice of luck – then they could be upset by another highly motivated team.

Chelsea are in better form, are highly motivated by an emotional manager and are in the middle of a less hectic schedule. If, and it remains a big if, they have a fair share of luck tonight then Chelsea will win. Tonight Arsenal are at their most vulnerable since their home defeat against Leeds United 11 months ago.

A lucky Chelsea team will come good and beat Arsenal tonight.

Antony Melvin
06/04/2004

713: PREMIERSHIP: How many false da

by : Antony Melvin

By common consent this season has been a let-down for Liverpool. The close season purchases on Harry Kewell and Steve Finnan, along with the early arrivals of teenage prodigies Sinema Pongolle and Anthony Le Tallec were supposed to bring the missing elements. The missing pieces of a title jigsaw. They proved to be another false dawn.

And yesterdays 4-0 thrashing of a desperately poor Blackburn team is another false dawn. It means little more than the fact that Liverpool have the measure of 90% of the teams that go to Anfield. Which is only to be expected.

The recent good run of form has brought Liverpool into pole position to get fourth place, but this season’s league performance is eerily reminiscent of last season. With seven games to go last term Liverpool had won 13, drawn 10 and lost 8 games – exactly the same record as this season to date. There has been no improvement on last season and Liverpool need 15 more points to match last seasons tally of 64 points.

But last season was supposed to be an aberration. Liverpool had finished the previous four seasons under Gerard Houllier in 7th, then 4th, then 3rd and then 2nd. History and the fans suggested that this arithmetic progression be rounded of with a series of 1st places. Unfortunately next came a 5th and this season can at best become a fourth.

If 2002/3 was an aberration, then so is this season – so perhaps Houllier will get one more year. Unfortunately for the Liverpool support the smoke signals rising above the Anfield stadium suggest that Houllier will be given that one more season. Unless he resigns – which is highly unlikely.

This season is another example of what happens to a club when a manager has taken it as far as he can.

Two seasons of stagnation have resigned many of the fans to a barren season. But what the Liverpool fans aren’t accepting is an ugly style of play that puts so little emphasis on accurate passing and ball retention. Slow and accurate build-up and passing teams to death are ideas that have passed on for Liverpool. Roy Evans produced the last Liverpool team capable of passing a team to death – but he wasn’t considered good enough.

And despite the protestations that Liverpool aren’t a sacking club, Roy Evans departure was effectively constructive dismissal. As was Souness’s departure before him.

2001/2 was the high-water mark of Gerard Houllier’s time at Anfield. He has had all the money he wants. He has been gifted with two of the best English players of their generation in Gerrard and Owen. He has been given six long years – an eternity for a modern manager - and he hasn’t delivered anything more than a few good cup runs.

Gerard Houllier is the Ron Atkinson of our times. An astute tactician who is the match for anyone on their day, but its not their day about half a dozen times a season too often. Gerard Houllier should give the Liverpool support the close season signing that they actually want – a new manager.

Antony Melvin
04/04/2004

704: Premiership hall of fame: Pete

by : Chris Sherrard

There have been some excellent goalkeepers in English football over the years. From national team ‘keepers like Shilton, Banks and Seaman to today’s stars of Cudicini, Given and Brad Friedel, this country has been treated to some of the very best stoppers the game has produced. But one man stands taller than most between the posts - not just in Premiership history but in the history of the beautiful game.

Peter Schmeichel, scourge of forwards from Arsenal to Italy, is comfortably the finest goalkeeper in the Premier League’s existence. I don’t think there has ever been a better number one in football.

Schmeichel, over the course of four hundred games and eight years at Manchester United, carved out a reputation fitting of his stature and all-conquering frame. As United went about building themselves as the finest team in the country, their Danish stopper proved crucial, invaluable and key to many a victory en-route.

You only have to look at the series of his successors and their difficulty in adequately following him as a sign of the importance he had to Manchester United. Bosnich, Taibi, Barthez and a number of others have tried valiantly to fill the gap left when Schmeichel left for pastures more relaxing in Portugal in 1999. The fact that they, all good ‘keepers in their own right, have largely failed is not a reflection on them and their abilities but on their predecessor who was quite simply a phenomenon. Take any major brick out of a wall and it will struggle to maintain its balance.

The Dane’s finest hour in United’s colours was arguably his crucial penalty stop from Dennis Bergkamp in 1999’s infamous FA Cup semi-final replay. Had the Dutchman scored his spot-kick, United would not have won the treble, Schmeichel would have left in less glory and his manager would still be plain, old Alex. The club owe it all to that last-minute save.

Schmeichel’s success has not been restricted to domestic honours, of which there have been plenty. In the summer of 1992 a modest, yet prodigious Denmark arrived at the European Championships through the back door after the controversial removal of Yugoslavia. They left in triumphant glory after upsetting all the odds in claiming the title. Their keeper had recently joined Manchester United and his buoyancy and skills led the basis of a solid defensive Danish unit which beat Germany in the final in Stockholm.

It could be argued that Peter Schmeichel tainted his considerable legend in the eyes of United fans when he enrolled in the cross-town blue army’s troops for the 2002-03 season. But when they take a step back, now that the great man’s only exertions are fielding questions from Gary Lineker on occasional Match of the Days, they will realise the contribution and value of Schmeichel was immeasurable. It’s incredible to think that his combined transfer fees, after a career with six clubs, was a mere £550,000 – the fee Ferguson paid to bring him to Old Trafford from Brondby in 1991.

Between the posts, coming off his line, catching crosses, blocking goal-bound shots, one-on-ones, last minute equalisers, cups, trophies and awards – the man had it all. A save, sprawling and stretching to snapping point across his goal-line, against Rapid Vienna in a 1996 European tie was hailed as one of the finest stops of all time. A series of point-blank stops denying a disbelieving Norwich City attack in 94 summed up his persona in English football – unstoppable.

Looking round the Premier League clubs today its clear to see some hugely talented goalkeepers. But all of them still live and save in the formidable shadow of Peter Schmeichel, the greatest ‘keeper of all time.

Chris Sherrard
29/03/2004

710: Masters 2024, #3

by : Stephen Orford

Suddenly a strange receding grey haired man is seen walking down the ring ramp.
Andy: He had to show up didn’t he … It’s Sven!
Martin: Sven? I never thought he’d show his face tonight after the secret Chelsea talk fiasco last weekend.
Out of nowhere John Terry runs down the ramp and grabs Eriksson around the neck and drags him back up the ramp.
Terry: Oh no you don’t ya Swede.
Sven: Terry? You think I’m going to pick you for Euro 2004 after this! You’re ‘avin a laugh.
Terry and Sven disappear behind the curtains when Chris Coleman suddenly drops to the canvas in a heap.
Martin: What happened there?
Andy: I’m not sure but I think from the huge grin on Ranieri’s face that he has had something to do with it.
Ranieri lifts his right hand up into the air and indicates that he’s giving Coleman a nipple twist from hell!
Martin: That has to be killing Coleman.
Andy: Ranieri has definitely been learning a lot about the English culture. The old nipple twists. I never thought I’d commentate on them!
As Coleman writhes around on the canvas in agony Ranieri continues his assault with a series of boots to the Welshman’s mid section. The Fulham fans vent their displeasure at their London rivals manager.
Martin: And it was going so friendly as well.
Andy: Well Claudio’s fighting for his life. Would you just lie down and die?
Suddenly out of nowhere Coleman grabs his right crutch and slams it into Ranieri face, knocking out a handful of teeth.
Andy: Oh my life! Forget Ranieri the Ruthless one … he should be renamed the Toothless one! He must have about four or six teeth missing.
Martin: That’s going to cost him a bomb. Pity he doesn’t get on better with Abramovich or he could have got the Russian Tycoon to pay for the treatment!
Just as Martin says that Abramovich makes his way down to the ring.
Martin: What does he want? Can’t he leave poor Claudio alone?
Abramovich storms into the ring and puts his right hand into his suit pocket.
Andy: What the …? He’s not going to kill him is he?
Martin: He might be giving him his P45.
Abramovich whips out his wallet and pulls out a fistful of notes and throws them at Ranieri and points to his mouth.
Andy: Oh what a guy Roman is … He’s paying for Claudio to get his teeth fixed!
Suddenly Roman turns to Coleman and pounds him in the face, using his head like a punch bag, much to the fans disproval.
Martin: Oh come on Roman. This just isn’t fair.
Out of nowhere Mohammed Al Fayed appears in the ring and pulls Roman off of his manager.
Andy: This could be sensational.
Al Fayed grabs a microphone from outside of the ring and pulls out a fat wallet.
Martin: What is going on here?
Andy: Maybe Al Fayed wants to see if Roman can finally get him a British passport!
Al Fayed: Now look here you filthy Russian beast. You come over here with your wadful of cash thinking you can buy anything and anybody you see fit.
Roman shakes his head with a sly grin.
Al Fayed: Well there’s no way you can buy me.
Roman: Really?
Al Fayed: Yes really.
Roman then dips into his wallet and whips out his chequebook.
Roman: Ok. Here’s £10million.
Abramovich hands over the cheque to Al Fayed who promptly rips it up in his face.
Roman: Ok. £100million.
Al Fayed grabs the cheque, rolls it into a ball, and swallows it.
Roman: Fine. £250million!
Andy: £250million!!! Hey Roman … do you know what? You can never buy me!!!
Martin: What are you playing at?
Andy: It’s reverse psychology. If I say I won’t be bought he’s going to write me a cheque for a Kings ransom.
Martin: You’re pathetic.
Al Fayed looks at the cheque when all of a sudden …
Martin: Oh you’re joking me … The lights have gone out again.
Andy: And not only is Al Fayed here in public again but I have actually overcome my fears of the dark.
Martin: Yeah well done Andy, that’s really impressive. I might do the leprechaun impression soon then!
Andy: Now let’s not get too carried away with my success!
Suddenly the lights flash back on and Al Fayed is found handcuffed to the top turnbuckle with blood pouring from his nose and mouth and Jean Tigana standing in front of him laughing with Roman Abramovich.
Andy: Tigana and Abramovich, oh my word. What a devastating combination.
Martin: Al Fayed couldn’t be bought by Roman’s millions but obviously Tigana could.
Andy: And it’s obvious who’s behind the old light-flicking scenario but why?
Martin: It looks like he might be about to explain all.
Roman throws the microphone to Tigana while the Fulham faithful roundly boo their former manager.
Tigana: Why are you surprised? The way he treated me was disgraceful. I guided this club to where it is today and what thanks did I get … Exactly … The sack! Well when Roman offered me some money for revenge, well, I’d have been a fool to turn him down. I’ve got a family to support not to mention my habit of chewing toothpicks to continue.
Andy: What a complete and utter …
Martin: Aerosol! You wanted an aerosol deodorant didn’t you, not a roll on.
Andy: Yeah cheers for that. You just saved my bacon.
Martin: Tell me about it you daft aerosol!
Tigana: And as for you Coleman … after all the support I gave you after your crash and you repay me by stepping into your boots. You make me sick. I wish I booted you out of this club when I had the chance.
Coleman looks at his former boss in amazement and digs him in the face with his crutch. The crowd roar with excitement as Tigana falls to the canvas. However Roman is not too impressed and jumps on Coleman again and turns into a crazed monster ripping at the Welsh warriors skin and eating it.
Andy: Roman is worse than what we first thought. Not only is he mad for wanting to push Ranieri out of Stamford Bridge but he’s also a flipping cannibal!
The screams from Chris Coleman stops as the camera pans round to reveal that Roman has totally devoured Chris Coleman’s body.
Martin: Why the Crusher has been well and truly crushed.
Andy: This is the sickest thing I’ve seen in this ring since Luke Chadwick joined us one week!
Abramovich turns round with blood dripping down his chin and turns his attention to Ranieri.
Martin: Oh no, not here, not now.
Andy: He can’t do this … we’d only have seven fighter for the quarterfinals and somebody would have to get a bye into the semis. This can’t happen.
Martin: You’ve got so much heart and compassion for the man.
Andy: It’s hard but I try my best you know.
Suddenly John Terry, Frank Lampard, Jimmy Floyd Hasslebaink, Wayne Bridge, and Glen Johnson run to the ring.
Martin: Yes, yes … Ranieri’s loyal men have shown up to save their boss.
Andy: And the quarterfinals of this very competition!
John Terry tackles Abramovich from behind taking away his knee, Lampard jumps over his head yanking his head towards the canvas before Jimmy Floyd unleashes one of his trade mark ferocious free kicks and boots Abramovich out of the stadium.
The camera follows his plight out of the building and is stunned to see a white bearded man flying through the sky.
Andy: It’s way too early to be Santa. Who is it?
Martin: It’s Ken Bates! Talk about somebody with a grudge to bear.
Outside the stadium Bates and Abramovich are going at it hammer and tongue when the attention heads back to ringside.
Martin: What about Tigana? He’s still there.
Wayne Bridge and Glen Johnson look over to the commentary table and smile before grabbing Tigana and throwing him into the baying crowd of Fulham fans. The Fulham fans go wild and you can see Tigana’s clothes and limbs being thrown into the air by the wild pack.
Andy: What did you expect? You get what you deserve in this life.
The Chelsea players gather round Ranieri and help the Italian to his feet to a huge ovation form the Loftus Road crowd.
Ranieri is hoisted on top of his players’ shoulders like a hero and holds his arm aloft as Loftus Road empties quicker than Old Trafford when United get beat.
Martin: This has been quite simply enthralling television. Ranieri may have only dished out a nipple twist and a few digs to the midsection but this bout has had everything.
Andy: Blood, betrayal, deception, loyalty, compassion, and cannibalism!
Martin: And not only that but we have also got the final piece of the quarterfinal jigsaw. Claudio Ranieri is in the next round. To find out who will be squaring up to who in the last eight make sure that you tune in next week for the quarterfinal draw live and exclusive only on squarfootball.net television.
Andy: Until then fight fans, don’t have nightmares of mad flesh eating Russians.
The year is 2024. To boost flagging ratings Sky Sports have revived the Masters Football series once popular at the turn of the century. Teams from the North West, North East, Midlands and South will battle it out for the title of Masters Champions 2024. In a hard-fought opening game, the North West and Midlands played out an eventful if less than skillfull 1-1 draw. Today, the strongly fancied South team begin their campaign against the North East.

Once again the Sky coverage is fronted by football broadcasting legend Richard Keys. Calmly, suavely, irritatingly and hairily (if that's a word) he hands on to the regular commentary team of Rob McCaffrey and Chris Kamara.

McCaffrey: "Hello and welcome to this the second game in the Masters series 2024. After last week's 1-1 draw between the North West and the Midlands, it is the turn of the South and the North East to put down their markers for the title and all that kind of stuff. Alongside me as always is Chris Kamara. Kammy, run us through today's teams if you will."

Kamara: "I will Rob, but before I do there's been a bit of breaking news from the tournament officials regarding last week's game. You won't believe this Rob, it is absolutely unbelievable in fact. It turns out that North West manager Gerard Houllier has come up with a right ricket, and that is that he fielded 12 players for the game against the Midlands. How the referee and the other officials failed to see this (not to mention the stupid writer) is beyond me. Anyway, the powers that be have decided to deduct the point that the North West gained from that game, but not to award all three to the Midlands!"

McCaffrey: "That's a strange one. You would have thought that the three points would have been awarded to the Midlands in that situation wouldn't you?"

Kamara: "You would Rob, but to be honest I can't think of a precedent for this kind of thing so I think we're just going to have to go with what they have decided for now."

McCaffrey: "Fair enough, then. The teams, then Kammy (bangs the desk three times)".

Kamara: "Well Rob, starting with the South they've got Carlo Cudicini in goal, a back four of Stephen Carr, Wayne Bridge, Sol Campbell and John Terry. Then in midfield they have Patrick Veiira, Robert Pires and Freddie Ljungberg. Arsene Wenger has decided on a front three which is interesting........"

McCaffrey: "Is it?"

Kamara: "Er...yeah. Anyway, they have a front three of Thierry Henry, Adrian Mutu and Robbie Keane.

McCaffrey: "And the North East."

Kamara: "For the North East there's Given in goal and a back four of Stephen Wright, Olivier Bernard, Gareth Southgate, and Jonathan Woodgate. In midfield it's Mendietta, Dyer, Juninho and Robert with Shearer and Bellamy up front.

McCaffrey: "Thanks Kammy. A quick look at the two benches then as we get set for kick off.

The two substitute lists appear on screen. The South have Van Der Sar, Desailly, Duff, Hasselbaink and Di Canio while the North East can choose from Schwarzer, Ehiogu, Zenden, Maccarone and Marcus Stewart.

The game kicks off and almost immediately it is obvious that the North East are somewhat out of their depth. The South, led superbly by Vieira in midfield are running the show, with bewildering passing movements aplenty. The game is only four minutes old when the deadlock is broken. Every member of the South team touches the ball in a sweeping move before Thierry Henry thunders an unstoppable shot into the top corner of the net.

Within five minutes it is two nil, as Robert Pires crosses for Mutu to head home from close range. Gareth Southgate stands hopelessly out of position while Jonathan Woodgate struggles manfully to control his temper. Now 44, his career was dogged with off the field controversies and plagued by on-field injuries. It would be fair to say that he liked a scrap now and again. It is not long before he finds a willing adversary. After one of his more tame tackles Woodgate rises to his feet to find Pires writhing around on the floor as if he'd been shot with Scarface's little friend. The former Newcastle man proceeds to kick lumps out of the Frenchman and is given his marching orders by the referee.

McCaffrey: "Well, things certainly are getting a bit tasty out there, Chris."

Kamara: "They certainly are, Rob."

709: Premiership managers brawl: Cl

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Hello and welcome to the hottest competition this side of Fleckney’s annual flame throwing championships, Premiership Managers Brawl, coming to you exclusively live from Fulham’s adopted home Loftus Road. What an absolute cracker we have in store for you tonight. It’s the final fight in this first round and we are about to see the only competitor yet to throw a punch in this tournament.
Andy Gray: We’ve seen everybody in the ring this season so far apart from this man.
Martin: He’s had vultures circling above his head all season and he’s resigned to the fact that he’ll be out of a job come the end of June, it’s Chelsea’s Claudio Ranieri.
Andy: Not only is the poor Italian fighting for his job at Chelsea but now he’s fighting for his life against the Welsh warrior Chris Coleman in what looks like being another pulsating derby clash.
Martin: Well we’ve witnessed some mouth-watering action over the past couple of weeks with many of the Premiership’s big names like Gerard Houllier, David O’Leary and Kevin Keegan greeting the Grim Reaper but this looks like being one of the most intense and action packed fights ever. Will Ranieri manage to postpone his date with the Reaper or will it be Coleman who finally meets his maker tonight?
Andy: Whatever happens it’s sure to be full of talking points as both men will be desperate to join the likes of Ferguson, Wenger, and Robson in the last eight.
Martin: For those of you who don’t know, back in November Chris Coleman annihilated Leicester’s Micky Adams in a frantic qualifying brawl to make it here tonight.
Andy: And my word he looked impressive. He was still using his crutches but he showed his fighting skills to great effect and destroyed the Leicester boss.
Martin: And remember there’s still a huge mystery surrounding that brawl when the lights went off and Adams was left sparko on the floor.
Andy: Oh yeah …
Martin: We all assumed that it was Al Fayed but he was adamant that he wasn’t responsible.
Andy: Mohammed Al Fayed was Adam Ant! Oh my word I’m never going to be able to sing Stand and Deliver again!
Martin: You really are a grade A moron aren’t you.
Andy: Well I try to excel in everything I do!
Martin: Anyway do you think we’ll find out who it was who turned off the lights? Will they show up tonight? Will Sven Goran Eriksson interfere? Will Al Fayed and Abramovich get embroiled in a war of money? Will David Mellor still be scoring in his Chelsea shirt?!
Andy: Oh I do hope not! However as we all know anything can happen and the bookies have installed under pressure Ranieri as favourite at 1/3 with Coleman at 4/1.
Martin: But where’s the wise money going?
Andy: Well if you think that Big Brother’s Chelsea daft Bubble will come down and interfere you’ll get odds of 20/1. They’ve odds of 33/1 for anyone who thinks that Soccer AM’s Tim Lovejoy will get involved and a huge outside price for former Fulham boss Jean Tigana exacting revenge on Coleman and Al Fayed at 100/1.
Martin: That’s not a bad price because everyone knows how shabbily Fulham treated him. Needless to say, the boys backstage are ready so lets head down to ringside for the all important ring introductions.
Ring announcer: Introducing first fighting out of the specially prepared black and white corner, weighing in at 13 stones of sheer muscle, and standing 6ft tall, wearing the home Fulham shirt, it’s the Welsh Warrior Chrrrriiissss ‘The Crrrruusssshheerrrrrrrr’ Cooolllllllllleemmmaaaannnnn.
The sell out Fulham crowd go ballistic as the youngest Premiership boss makes his way to the ring on his crutches to the pulsating sound of the Stone Roses and ‘I Wanna Be Adored’.
Martin: He’s obviously still suffering from that car crash a few years back.
Andy: Yeah not forgetting that infection that has left him bedridden for the past couple of weeks. He’s showing tremendous character turning up to fight at all.
Ring announcer: And introducing his challenger fighting out of the blue corner, weighing in at a lean 10 and a half stones, standing 5ft 10, and wearing the home strip of Chelsea it’s Rrrrruuttthhhllllleeeesssss Claaaauddddiiiiiooooo Raaaaannnniierrrrrrriiiiii.
The Chelsea boss steps from behind the entrance curtain and is stunned as the Fulham faithful stand up and applaud the Italian as his music ‘On Your Own’ by Blur booms around Loftus Road.
Martin: This is amazing! Normally opposing sides boo and jeer like mad when their managers’ opponent makes their way to the ring. This is an awesome mark of respect by the Fulham fans for the under fire Stamford Bridge boss.
Andy: I’ve never seen anything like this before in my whole commentating career. It won’t last though. I’m sure as soon as Claudio sticks one on Coleman they’ll be treating him like Abramovich does.
Claudio makes his way to the ring shaking the hands of the Fulham fans on the way down to the ring as Chris Coleman is all set to hobble up the ring ramp.
Ranieri spots Coleman struggling and jogs down to help his Fulham counterpart into the ring.
Andy: Ranieri is an absolute gentleman. He could quite possibly lose his life tonight at the hands of Chris Coleman but he still helps him get into the ring. What a guy!
Martin: He certainly is and we will sadly miss whoever unfortunately passes away tonight.
The bell rings.
Andy: And they’re underway and look at this Claudio’s now reaching out a hand to Coleman and he’s accepted it gracefully.
Coleman pulls Ranieri into him giving him a big hug and pat on the back.
Andy: This is absolute class from both guys showing each other the utmost respect for each other, oh no, what’s that?

707: FA CUP: FA Cup semi-final anal

by : Stephen Orford

Following on from last week's Premiership clash, Arsenal and Manchester United get set to do battle all over again in Saturday's FA Cup semi final at Villa Park.

A place in the FA Cup Final was always going to be a huge incentive to both clubs, but with Nationwide League opponents in the shape of either Sunderland or Millwall awaiting the winners in that final, the stakes are especially high for this one.

In the build-up it seems that Arsenal are doing their best to play the occasion down. Speculation is mounting that the Champions elect are set to rest key players such as the talismanic Thierry Henry and Freddie Ljungberg for the tie. With the second leg of their Champions' League quarter final with Chelsea coming up just four days later Arsenal may just have minds elsewhere, and so be vulnerable on the day regardless of their line-up.

There's little doubt that United hold many of the cards when it comes to motivation. An early Champions' League exit at the hands of FC Porto coupled with their faded Championship challenge will have the Old Trafford club well and truly fired up as they desperately scrap for the last piece of silverware available to them this season. For the first time in over a decade United found themselves all but out of the title race by March, and the FA Cup could be just what they need to prove that they can and will still challenge for honours in the future.

Added to this, the 1-1 draw at Highbury last Sunday will have given Sir Alex Ferguson's men heart in the midst of all the 'unbeatable Arsenal' hysteria doing the rounds at the moment. Fergie's team dominated their hosts for large parts of the second half of that encounter. Though Louis Saha's equalising strike came late in the day, it would not be unreasonable to argue that Arsenal were somewhat fortunate to hold on to a point, and their precious unbeaten record in the process.

Given all this you would be forgiven for thinking that a place in the Cardiff showpiece is already in the Red Devil's bag. Despite the factors of possible team-tinkering and the motivation issues that Arsenal face, they are not to be discounted. Even if they do decide to go in without Henry they still have class players all over the pitch. The likes of Pires, Bergkamp, Reyes, Vieira and the in-form Edu will cause more than enough problems for an often hapless United defence. Missing the rock that is Rio Ferdinand, United have looked shaky for some time and could still be exploited.

The prospect of setting a couple of new records might just be enough to motivate Arsenal. Should they reach the final it will be their fourth consecutive appearance. Victory at Cardiff would be their third in a row. This team may not win the treble in season 2003/04 but they may yet be remembered as the team that dominated the FA Cup in the early 21st century.

No preview of a clash between these two heavyweights would be complete without a mention for the two managers. The regular war of words between Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger has become an event in itself. Both have been strangely quiet so far at the time of writing but expect both to come up with something to try and put all of the pressure on their opposite number come Saturday. It has been one of the more turbulent seasons in the career of Sir Alex Ferguson, with problems both on and off the field. Incredibly, there are still those who doubt that he is the right man to take United forward. He will be out to prove those people wrong and prove that his team is not yet a spent force. For his part, Wenger has a proud record in the FA Cup and even if he perceives that his team have bigger fish to fry in the shape of the title and the Champions' League, he will be less than keen to lose out to Sir Alex.

And so finally we come to prediction time. Much depends on Arsene Wenger's team selection and the hunger of whatever troops he decides to send on to the Villa Park field. If they are as desperate as United then you would not bet against them, but it is difficult to see how they could be as desperate as their bitter rivals at this moment. Even without the cup-tied Saha I would still lean towards a Manchester United victory if pressed. In Van Nistelrooy, Scholes, Ronaldo and Giggs they still have the forward power to pull through. They also have a mix of youth and experience to match or even better that of their opponents.

Now, what price the winners of this one to lose in the final to either Sunderland or Millwall in a shock of Wimbledon-esque proportions? Nah, thought not.

Prediction: Arsenal 1 Manchester United 2

Stephen Orford
31/03/2004

708: ENGLAND: England versus Sweden

by : Stephen Orford

There's a music video by Craig David called 'Seven Days' in which the pencil-bearded, hat-wearing crooner wakes up over and over again to find that it is still Monday morning at 11.00. He then proceeds to live out the events of that same Monday over and over again, correcting all the mistakes he made previously until eventually he gets the girl. Watching England's 1-0 friendly defeat in Sweden last night I had a similar feeling to that which Mr David must have had on each of those mornings, except that I still haven't got the girl.

Time and time again we are subjected to these friendly matches which, we are led to believe, are all in the name of preparation for the Euro 2004 finals in Portugal this summer. Yet time and time again we learn little or nothing about our team's prospects for those finals, and instead are treated to a stroll around the park, often lacking in urgency and passion.

In Sven Goran Eriksson's defence he was without several star names even before the squad flew out to Gothenburg. With FA Cup semi finals and Champions' League quarter finals imminent deals were made with the top clubs, leading to the exclusion of the likes of Scholes, Ashley Cole, Lampard, Bridge, and Sol Campbell. Add this to the injuries suffered by David Beckham and Michael Owen recently, and the continuing exile of Rio Ferdinand and last night's squad was almost unrecognisable from the one that will hopefully take the field for England's first Euro 2004 match against France.

All of which was meant to offer Mr Eriksson an opportunity to blood new talent at international level. When his weekend squad announcement included no fewer than five uncapped players hopes were raised that we would see something a little bit different this time. It was not to be, however, as only two of the five new men took to the field. Of those, perhaps the most eagerly awaited entrance was that of Celtic wide-man Alan Thompson. It has become almost a cliche to suggest that England have a left-sided problem in midfield and it was hoped that the former Bolton and Villa man could provide the solution. Sadly, playing in front of the hopelessly right-footed left back that is Jamie Carragher, Thompson was deprived of any meaningful possession and was pointlessly withdrawn after only an hour. Whether we will see him again in an England shirt must now be open to question. If we do it would be nice to see him playing ahead of a left-footed left-back who can offer service down the line instead of having to turn inside and play a square ball to a centre-back of midfield player.

To be fair to Carragher he is only as one-footed as the next England player and therein seems to lie the problem. As a defensive player he was more than capable, and almost managed to scramble across to stop Sweden's Ibrahimovic scoring the winning goal when others such as Southgate and the out of depth Anthony Gardner had failed to fulfill their own duties. There's little doubt that England looked a lot less solid when those two entered the fray to replace the more impressive pairing of John Terry and Jonathan Woodgate at half-time.

When England did go a goal down they seemed to lack the creativity and urgency required to get back into the game. A late and horribly skewed volley by Joe Cole was as close as England came to scoring an equaliser in the second half, and that after some brighter moments in the first. Both Wayne Rooney and Owen Hargreaves hit the woodwork early on for England and Rooney was again denied by a smart save soon after. However, it was the introduction of Tottenham's Jermain Defoe after an early injury to Darius Vassell that will have caused the biggest and possibly only stir among the fans and media in attendance.

Defoe walked away from the game with man of the match honours after a bright performance, but it is difficult to imagine a more selfish player pulling on an England shirt. Strikers have to have a single mindedness in front of goal, but they must also be aware of when team-mates are better placed to provide goal-scoring opportunities. On a number of occasions Defoe had opportunities to lay the ball off to the possession-starved Thompson only to continue in his relentless march towards a debut goal.

With only the triangular tournament with Iceland and Japan in Manchester to come before the Euro 2004 finals kick off, Eriksson and England will need to show more urgency and commitment than was on display in Gothenburg to make an impact. Also, the Swede, newly signed to a two-year contract extension, will have to make some difficult decisions regarding his final squad and his preferred line-up.

So Sven, what's your flava?

Stephen Orford
01/04/2004

706: FA CUP: FA Cup semi-final anal

by : Stephen Orford

For the first time in 12 years a team from outside the top flight of English football will make it to the FA Cup Final as Sunderland take on Millwall in this Sunday's semi final at Old Trafford.

History would seem to be on the Black Cats side as they were indeed the last team to achieve that feat when they faced Liverpool in the 1992 final. Defeat that day by two goals to nil still lingers in the memory of many Sunderland fans who will be desperate to see their team return to the end of season showpiece.

Standing in their way will be a rejuvenated Millwall team who, under relatively young player manager Dennis Wise, have recently joined Sunderland in the race for promotion to the big time. It is entirely possible that one or both of these teams will be in the Premiership next season with Sunderland sitting third and Millwall currently fifth in the first division table. Both can lay claim to the tag of form horses of the division, with Sunderland on a three-game winning streak and having taken 13 points from their last 15, while Millwall remain unbeaten in four matches with 10 points from their last 15.

Ancient history, as 1992 now seems to be in the Premiership era, may be with Sunderland but head to head clashes between the two this season point to a Millwall victory. The teams have already clashed twice in the league with the London club coming out on top on both occasions, the most recent of which was a 2-1 win in January. Though Sunderland will be all out to avoid completing a most unwanted hat-trick, their opponents may just have the Indian Sign over them.

At the time of writing (March 31) Sunderland have injury doubts over Kevin Kyle and John Oster. Kyle is the Wearsiders top scorer this season with 12 goals while Oster has been an integral part of the supply line to the big centre forward. Millwall's front pairing of Danny Dichio and Neil Harris have shared just 16 goals between them this season, but it could be in midfield where the battle is truly won and lost.

If Lions' boss Wise decides to pick himself, something which he declined to do for the quarter final replay tie with Tranmere in mid-March, he could offer the experience and ball winning capabilities needed to spur his side on to glory. Three times a winner of the famous old competition, Wise knows all about what is required to make it through an FA Cup Semi Final. What is questionable is whether his ageing legs will carry him through a game of this intensity and magnitude. Alongside him Wise has the newly capped Australian international Tim Cahill and the pair's battle with Sunderland's Darren Williams and Jason McAteer could be pivotal. McAteer is not without FA Cup pedigree also, having played and scored in a semi final for Liverpool against Aston Villa in 1996. Defender Phil Babb was also part of that cream-suited Liverpool squad and their collective big game experience will be invaluable to some of their more inexperienced colleagues on the day.

I find myself at something of a loss at prediction time. Dennis Wise has been there and done it all before in the FA Cup but his opposite number Mick McCarthy has more big game managerial experience having guided the Republic of Ireland through their 2002 World Cup campaign. This may be the biggest game of his club management career but you can be sure he will have faced similar if not bigger challenges at international level. With Sunderland having the slight edge on form at the moment, and with the experience of McCarthy, and the likes of Babb and McAteer I may just be able to stick my neck out and predict a narrow Sunderland win.

Cynics might suggest that either Sunderland or Millwall can only look forward to a good old fashioned thrashing in the final against one of the country's powerhouses in Arsenal or Manchester United, but they would do well to remember that the FA Cup often throws up shocks of this kind. Aside from Wise and Wimbledon's exploits in 1988, Sunderland are no strangers to rocking the football world. Their 1973 victory over Leeds United is an event that will probably never be forgotten and they would love the opportunity to repeat that triumph.

Just in case you thought that the prize for the winners wasn't big enough, there is the added incentive that the team that makes it through to Cardiff is guaranteed a place in Europe. With Champions' League regulars Arsenal and Manchester United contesting the other semi final, the winners of this all-Nationwide League encounter will be offered a place in next season's UEFA Cup competition.

What is for certain is that whoever wins will make a better fist of European football than the likes of Blackburn Rovers, Southampton and Manchester City did this season.

Prediction: Sunderland 1 Millwall 0 (possibly after extra time).

Stephen Orford
31/03/2004